The Kohler-Wielle Legacy 2.8
CAUTION: The usual 60image/3mb download... Swearing, sexy times, what Valencia REALLY does when no one else is home, and a 28% of update preoccupation with Cube. DEDICATED TO YOU, MA simkittensims LOVE!!
Need to catch up? Kohler-Wielle Archive
Hands up who thinks Valencia is going to devour the entirity of Cube's mandible?!
HELLO PEOPLE! ITS BEEN A LONG TIME, AND YOU THOUGHT I'D ABANDONED THE KOHLER-WIELLES TO THE CULLENS, DIDN'T YOU!?!? DIDN'T YOOOU!??!?!
Well, joke's on you, cause I got me six updates of the KWs all ready to go, just gotta caption them, SO THERE!!
Cinnabar: In MY humble opinion, those that jump to such obviously ridiculous and premature assumptions should go to bed without any donut. *nods*
So what HAVE those that bear the Kohler-Wielle name been up to?
Cube has been composing yet another genius concierto in his underpants. You think better when you're 90% naked, it's a scientific fact, so you can have science to blame for this overt nudity. Okay, maybe it might be hippies or bohemians you have to blame, but SCIENCE HAS MORE WEIGHT SO WE'RE GOING WITH THAT...More of your skin area and pores are open to the environment around you and so you can thusly become ONE with that which you are attempting to create.
Arguably, since this one is written in Valencia Minor, Cube would find it easier to become one with his muse with his pants OFF entirely. But then we'd be questioning his motives, and does anyone REALLY want to question his method?!
I mean, look at this face!! Composing is clearly SERIOUS business!
bondchick_nett: Hello Poppy, my darling!!! How ya doin'? :D
Poppy: I am serenely gorgeous, thank you for your enquiry. *serenes off to school*
Speaking of serene, what could possibly be more so than harvesting your own street-grime-coated and fertilised, natural produce and feeding it to your kids? MmmMmm delicious orange juice, fortifed with asphalt and automobile carbons!
Have no fear, sports fans! Cube is not a nevernude, and to illustrate here is his delicious majesty, playing in the buff! Although no, not the piano, for we have already covered the innapropriate there. Rather:
CHESS!! :D GAME OF KINGS! EXCEPT FOR POLO! But who cares about polo? Bunch of dudes riding around on fat beasties with spindly little legs trying to whack balls with their long sticks. Chess is much more couth, would you not say?
simkittensims: NAKED CHESS?!?! FEATURING CUBE?!?!?! *strips down and gets her bishops and knights ALLLLL ready*
YAY for Kat getting us back on task!! Although, as a woman, does Kat even HAVE bishops and knights? *mulls* Wow, Chess, why so sexist in your list of set piece euphamisms? xD
Poor Cube, he puts so much effort and emotional attachment into playing Chess against himself, and yet he seems to find it difficult to maintain concentration on the game... Maybe having his own rook flapping in the breeze is what confuses him?
Cube: Tis less enjoyable to play against onesself, it is INFINITELY more satisfying to play with a friend. Solitary chess tactics perplex me...
Cube: ...AND IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT, HEROIN CHIC MAID!! *hates*
Its alright, Cube, Valencia's fingers ninja karate chop will make it better... ^_^
See? OH SO MUCH BETTER! :D :D
Cube: OH I LOVE THE SMELL OF NINJA SKILLS IN THE MORNING!
Valencia: EEE, I TOUCHED HIM! *delight*
Cube's LifeTime Want, here we come!
And now that the correct career track has been attained, let us observe Cube as he relaxes to ponder his future...
... And its looking OH SO DELECTIBLY BRIGHT, WOULD YOU NOT AGREE?? Some might say, DELIGHTFUL!! Yes/Yes, simkittensims ? ~_^
For a while there I was getting kind of paranoid that Cube was face template one, cause all these people are constantly hating on it. But, I've since decided that in the OBVIOUS face of Cube's uber hotness, constant displays of awesome, and his virile abilities and godlike sway over his childrend that I CARE NOT!
TIME TO OBSERVE THE KOHLER-WIELLE KIDS, IN "SCHOOL AFTERMATH:"
Why the apprehension when reading your grades, Poppy? Everyone in this house, even your mother with her ONE nice point, will encourage your face off anyway. THERE IS NO RETRIBUTION IN THE KOHLER-WIELLE HOUSE, NOT SINCE CRAVEN WENT OFF AND BROKE THE CURSE BY MARRYING AN IMMORTAL INCARNATION OF ME!
You could come home with a D-, and everyone would be all ITS OKAY HONEY, HAVE SOME CAKE! *sparklemotion*
See Poppy? This is how one exits a bus. Learn the way of Syrah, Miss Congeniality!
Cinnabar: But I worked all weekend?!
Me: Yeah I have no idea either... Sims grades are screwy? The REAL issue here is why is your blazer all tweedily velveteen textured, and the girls' one is smoooth, silk-like and very definitely of the Gryffindor persuasion? When did you kids start attending wizards school, and how is it that you're ALL in the same house when you've all got completely different personalities and future paths? Surely you'd all be sorted into different houses - I mean sure there'd be SOME overlap but...
Cinnabar: You're asking me for answers? I'm nine.
Modena: STUFF IS AWESOME!!!
Just in case you had forgotten: CUBE REIGNS SUPREME!!!
Cube: Oh yeah, my kid, I'm just naturally that awesome. I'm sorry, its genetic, which means you've got it too you've just not harnessed its potentials yet. What you gonna do about it?!
Syrah: When I claim heir, you're going to be sorry, you hear me?! SORRY!!!
Stray Grey Hairs on Syrah's child-aged head: *formed from taking rock, paper, scissors games too seriously*
Except she loves her dad hard core so the sorriest he'd possibly get would to be leave the house that he built in order to move into the house that Red built - literally.
Sup Kermes, still cute but boring?
Kermes: YES I AM!!!! *bounce* HELLO WOMRAT, MY ONLY FRIEND!
Me: Well, I guess one out of seven ain't bad odds... *rolls*
Poppy shall now show us her best Pizza the Hut impression...
*backs off slowly*
*bashes into breakfast bar*
*swears a bit*
*alters personal trajectory*
*backs into Cube & V's bedroom*
*closes door, maintaining eye contact*
*exits onto balcony, backwards*
*attacked by pet Dalek*
DAMMIT! If it ain't one fandom its another. *sighs*
Syrah: I AM BORED OF DOING HOMEWORK, ERGO, THE ROOSTER MUST DIE!
Rooster: *has fallen and cannot get up*
Syrah: YOU WANNA MAKE SOMETHING OF IT?!?!
Under-Utilised Plant Watering Robot: *hides inconspicuously in the corner*
I... Feel Syrah needs to attend anger management or something, this kind of rampant Rooster-crotch-kicking can't go on unchallenged..! Sure if I ate him he'd kill me, but I'm not about to consume the flesh of anything that anthropomorphically embodies one half of American Gothic now am I?
Awww! This is more like it! In the face of unmitigated rage, Syrah is still able to take time out to calmly give kisses to Apricot. SHE IS NOT BROKEN!! SHE IS STILL CAPABLE OF LOVE! *relief*
Poppy the Merciful, arises from her beauteous slumber to right the wrongs done to Gothic Americana Rooster. Or just right him. Either.
Okay so why IS maths so hard?! Cinnabar's tiny adorable seal face wants to know! The rip-off Lichtenstein in the background is also CLEARLY troubled! ;_;
POP PUZZLE BASED LEARNING QUIZ:
A square formation of cadets standing fifty by fifty metres is marching on a quad. The platoon's mascot, a cute little dog, is at the back of the formation. The dog runs to the front of the formation, and then turns on his heels and runs straight back again. In this time, the cadets have walked forward fifty metres.
HOW FAR DID THE LITTLE DOG RUN?!?!
*thinking music*
ANSWER:
NO ONE CARES CAUSE IT INVOLVES DOING SQUARE ROOTS, AND WE WERE ALL TOO BUSY TAKING PHOTOS OF THE CUTE DOGGIE ANYWAY! O_O;;;;;**
Cinnabar clearly doesn't care about square roots, and decides its all somehow Gothic Americana Rooster's fault. Apparently the inanimate kitsch sculpture orchestrated the ENTIRE torturous affair, with his tiny concrete filled mind.
Gothic-Americana-Rooster-Who-Is-Apparently-Named-And-Shall-Now-Be-Known-As-Kamahl: Why are people so unkind?
AND NOW ITS TIME FOR GINGER'S SMUSTLE SPAM!! INITIATE!!!
Ginger's either attempting a terror of the deep impersonation, or practicing for a Maybelline commercial... I CAN'T TELL WHICH -- YOU DECIDE?!
Such dedication!! Ginger shall even dislocate her jaw in the name of her arts!!
Sangiovese: OOoOh a robot! Just like my shirt! *affinity*
Toy Roboto: GET OUT OF THE WAY, TINY MEAT POPSICLE! I MUST LEARN MORE OF THESE RIVERS OF MOLTEN MAGMA!
Sangiovese: YAY LOOK ROBOT! YOU CAN FLY!!
Toy Roboto: *attempts to claw child's eyes out with his cold unfeeling robot arm*
Toy Roboto: YOU! HUMAN WORM BABY, IF YOU MUST LIFT ME, LIFT ME HIGHER SUCH THAT I CAN COMPUTE MORE OF THESE INFORMATIONAL WALL PAMPHLETS! You will be the FIRST to go in the new regime. Mark my binaries. *would narrow his eyes if he were able*
Sangiovese: OH NOES MR ROBOTO!! YOU BETTER PULL UP! Maybe flight just isn't for you!! *dive bombs robot into floor*
Toy Roboto: *~D=
Cube: *dreams about how much he adores Valencia*
All the ladies in the house: *squeal forever for the OTP*
Desperate Housewives, an expose! Aka, How Valencia Spends her time when no one else is home.
What no one knows is that Valencia is secretly the Goddess of Fertility, Citrus, Lollipops and Electric Knives. What you don't think when new things are invented the muse that inspired them doesn't get to therefore be the deity of it? WELL, CLEARLY THE JOKE IS ON YOU! Also you know when previous supreme beings go on holiday someone still has to be there to be prayed to so she's got Fertility on loan right now. How do you think there's so many goddesses of Fertility around the world? Huh?
Here she is with one of her acolytes, Antigone. Antigone is trying to learn fast, but enrages Valencia every single day. You just can't get good help minions devotees these days. Today said enragement is caused by Antigone's choice of head wear. HONESTLY, veils on nuns? That's SO fifty years ago.
Valencia: Look Antigone, you're clearly being offensive on purpose now. You could remove that headwear if you wanted to, but no. You continue to wear it just to spite me. We already get such a mysoginist Stepford Wife rap for the Electric Knife gig even though its DESIGNED TO MAKE LIFE EASIER so you can do other shit like extreme sports and rock polishing. And now a VEIL?! Equal opportunities is going to be banging on my door and then its gonna be nothing but red tape and bureaucracy for weeks..!
Antigone: But... I baked you muffins..?
Valencia: YOU BROUGHT ME MUFFINS?!?!?!?!? *sparkles*
Me: *doesn't mention anything about not helping the 50s housewife rap...*
Antigone: *arms outstretched in reverence* It was simply a meagre offering to your greatness. I offer my humble skills before your great highness...
Valencia: Are they blueberry chocolate chip? Cause if they're not I'm gonna turn this life giving rain into death inducing hail. Veil wearing noob.
Antigone: Blueberry double chocolate fudge chocolate chip, most forgiving excelency.
Valencia: *is pleased*
And now time for community service and the doing of good works. Today's good work?
Fattening up heroin chic maid, whilst instructing him in the ways of eating right for your blood type. May his colour never be pallid again.
And now, this screenshot. Pureply because asiosjiojoiajdaiajoiwedawAIODjiD! SHE SO COMPLETELY DOES ADORABLY COY! ♥
THERE YA GO! THATTA GIRL! *is delighted at Poppy's delight*
Poppy: Lookit Mummy, I got an A+! :D
Valencia: That's LOVELY dear, I am so pleased. *quiet maternal pride*
Antigone: HOLY SHIT THAT IS SO MIND BLOWING *brain meltage*
Carrots: I don't get it. Has she got a mouse in her pocket?
So to illustrate Kermes's strangely individual brand of fail in all things... This is what he brought home from school...
Whereas Cinnabar? He brought home THIS!! In all senses of the word: FIERCE!!!
Modena is always happy to recieve the word of her father, the prophet. And I just realised there's a ragged edge on both sides of the text within these book pages. What the hell, this means that the entire book's text alignment is centred. WHO IN THE HECK TYPE SET THIS THING, AND HOW DID THEY NOT GET FIRED?! O_O
RUMBLED!! One of the girls the boys brought home (Sangiovese's little friend iirc) is SECRETLY A SNAKE-NECKED PIRATE MUTANT, A REBEL HERE TO LIBERATE KAMAHL FROM THE FASCIST REGIME OF THE RED KOHLER-WIELLE CHILDREN!
Though her purpose is true, and I support her infiltrating ways; her snake neck? It fills me with unsettled terror. *hides*
Valencia: Excuse me, Sandcastle. But you are too pretty to live. *demolishes*
Awww darling Syrah, I love you quite hard but you appear to have some aiming issues. The butterflies, they are ABOVE you, not below...
Meanwhile, Cube and V have decided to take time out. The kids can take care of themselves while they take care of Cube's majestic Pink Dolphin, that's unless simkittensims 's self sim comes FLYING IN FROM THE A CORNER OF THE CEILING TO STEAL CUBE FOR HER OWN LIKE SOME KIND OF HELLO KITTY CLAD NINJA! Cause let's face it, she's SERIOUSLY obsessed with his sleekly aerodynamic dolphin and would want it all for her own to do flips and shit upon. I mean come ON look at this shit:
Wouldn't you be?!?! LOOK AT IT! LOOK DIRECTLY AT IT!! I mean he can't touch it, he'll go blind or get consumption and die or something IDEK. She'd be all OH CUBE! Come on let's splash with your pink dolphin, get everyone all wet..! Like seaworld only so much more real - AS REAL AS IT GETS!
simkittensims: Cube's Pink Dolphin.. MmmMmM yummy..!
bondchick_nett: mr-bluebird.deviantart.../The-Colossal-Squid-108282671 <-- AWESOME
simkittensims: THAT IS EPICS!! Haha ....120 feet of unstoppable horror
simkittensims : Definitely arent talking about Cube's tentacles then
simkittensims: that would be 120 feet of undeniable delight
Cinnabar and Sangiovese indulge in a little pillow fighting and... HOLY SHIT, CINNABAR! O_O YOUR EYES. SUNK INTO THE BACK OF YOUR HEAD O_O;;;;; YOU ARE CLEARLY ALLERGIC TO GOOSE DOWN, DROP THE PILLOW AND STEP AWAY, CHILD!! O_O;;;
*calls allergenist hotline*
Ginger decides that its HIGH TIME to take back what's theirs and 'rescue' Kahmal of Gothic American Poultry Fame back from those dirty rebels...
...Five times. O_O;;
Modena: Wouldn't it be AWESOME if we had another sibling?! :D :D
Me: NO! NOT NOW, NOT EVER. What you want to kill me or something?!? People are already gonna be raging that there hasn't been another challenge for ages, and you'd want to elongate the process?! *flails*
Oh look, its A fire of no one cares.
V is in the bathroom fixing the fixitures by bashing out her frustrations at the lack of her acolytes' fashion savvy out with gusto, Cube is out covering an underwater basket weaving event, and the kids are at school.
And as such the fire just blazes on its merry way, happily licking at and tasting everything near by.
Calcifer: I wonder what this recipe book tastes like..? If I can just eat that food processor I'd get to the potatoes!
Firefighter lady person: *just lets herself in and feeds Calcifer foam*
Calcifer: NUUUU YOU'RE SMOTHERING MEEEEEEEEEE!! HAVEN'T YOU SEEN SE7EN?! TOO MUCH OF A GOOD THING AND... *pitifully puffs his last* Murdererrr.
I'd weep but it'd seem kind of disrespectful since he WAS made of fire...
After letting herself in, the Firelady person decides its then acceptable to bitch about the condition of the litter tray, since no one is around to smell her later. I feel you're in the wrong line of work, Firelady Person. If the smell of a freshly used litter tray offends your delicate sensibilities, how would you go putting out a fire in a wig makers?! O_o;;
Career path: FAIL!
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**If you were in fact interested, the answer is 120.7m. We think. Don't ask me, its moonlapse's homework... xD