Cullen The Herd 1.3
CAUTION: TOO LATE FOR CAUTIONS! YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN EXPOSED TO THE MASSIVELY INNAPROPRIATE TEASER! EXPOSED UNDERPANTS + CUCUMBERS!
I mean lawds, its just like family christmas at my relatives reunions.. O_O;;
So its a game, where you tie a cucumber to a long piece of twine and then tie it around your waist, run up and try and drop it into a jar using only your legs/pelvis skills, - LOOK MA NO HANDS! - then run back, undo the twine and tie it around the next person in your team... Yes. My maternal relatives play this game at christmas time. All of them. Even the 8 year olds, while my three year old second and first cousins watch. I am not making this up.
The most disturbing/impressive thing?
The girls seem WAY more adept at it than the guys...
SO we picked up RIGHT where we left off... With the goofy realisation in Bilbo hitting home that yes! HE JUST GOT LAID! :D And in the snow, which is totes picturesque, and apparently not at all a hinderance to the perfomance of the MasterChief.
OKAY! SO now its like a week later after I wrote that last sentence, and my boy's been trying to get me to write this update for the past hour and somehow I manage to procrastnate it it by doing GOD KNOWS WHAT, or sneaking back for huggles. CLEARLY THIS PAIR OF EYES ARE NOT ON THE PRIZE.
Or they are. Or something. Depending on your definition of prize. Bathory, for example, having the ability to instantly know when she's knocked up by convenient musical jingles (wouldn't we all want THAT in real life?! :D :D WARNING SYSTEM AHOY!) decides to harness her inner praying mantis and post-coitally devour the other head of Bilbo. Or at least beat it off with a large, lead-filled sack.
AND WOOTS! Suddenly its the second trimester and Bathory is so shocked that that time has spun around so soon that her eyes have involuntarily popped out of her head.
AMAZING! Also good work auto colour-coordinating your outfit with your decor, babe.
And with the second trimester, and time passing so quickly we reach the end of winter, The Great Thaw if you will. And in that thaw many things are revealed. Like this baby bottle that apparently was hidden beneath a snow drift for the ENTIRE season.
Three month old bottle of sim juice that mysteriously tastes of rockmelon?
DO NOT WANT!
WHAT THE HECK, BIRTH ALREADY?! Guess this pregnancy was pretty boring. Bathory just getting on with the job of going to work, making depressingly non-grilled cheese sandwiches and harvesting the crops... TIME TO MEET THE FRUITS OF YOUR OTHER FLAVOUR OF LABOURS, BB!
AND..!
IT'S...!
A...!
...
...
BOY! >_<;;; DAMMIT! Someone put some tidy-whities on the entire male population of this hood, make them all take up swimming in speedos and prescribe the use of unshielded laptops on their laps. K?
World?! Meet already-awesomely-expressioned, shapely eye-browed Deacon, named after Deacon Frost of Blade fame. :D
So since Deacon is a boy and we clearly can't have that, HAI DALE!
Dale: MmMmMmmph...
Bathory: Oh Dale, I love you so much, pay no attention to that muffled wailing you hear from behind this brick wall...
Origin-of-wailing-behind-the-brick-wall: WAAAAAAH!!! WHY ARE YOU SUBJECTING ME TO THIS PINK OUTFIT!??! I OBJECT! I FART IN YOUR GENERAL DIRECTION! DON'T THINK THAT LULLING LULLABY I CAN HEAR LILTING IN FROM OUTSIDE MY BRICKED EXCUSE FOR A NURSERY WILL ZZzzZZzZzzzZzzzzzzZzz
Oh yeah you heard that right, Bathory, pregnant again, first try. This is ONE fertile little founder, three sexy sexy times, three pregnancies. Lets be hoping it a girl this time.
*crosses fingers crosses fingers crosses toeses*
Woots!! We have oven! Sexy sexy teal oven of sexyness. OH THE DELICIOUS TEALS.. Wait is this a sexy sexy kinemortephobia oven? ADDED + SEXINESS!! Um, anyway where were we?
Oh yes!
And with that, the first grilled cheese of the legacy, to warm the cockles of your heart :D
Awwwww if I knew what my cockles were, I would feel that they were heated as if they were just lovingly dunked into a fondue pot, and accidentally on purpose dropped so that the holder of my cockles would have to kiss the person to their right. Wouldn't you?
Bathory: *cricks neck in disgusted protest* WHAT THE HELL, COCKLES!?
javabean_dreams : What ARE the "cockles" of your heart? that is an odd phrase
bondchick_nett : You know that's a good point, what ARE cockles in this case, and what the hell are they doing in your heart? Surely that would cause some kind of obstruction or myocardial infarction?
javabean_dreams : INDEED! *looks up the word 'cockles' in her handy dandy red dictionary*
javabean_dreams : cockle: a bivalve mollusk with a heart-shaped shell /// -warm the cockles of the heart - to cheer or gladden
javabean_dreams : IT'S A FREAKING MOLLUSK
Seriously, we used to collect cockles when I was a kid, and eat them or use them as bait for fishing. I think they're heaps au fait atm in restaurants and stuff - rustic fare and all that, but I thought there would be another definition in this case...
In the words of Steffi: APPARENTLY NOT!
WHY HELLO THERE CHILLEN POPS!!! Well actually I'm not 100% this is a pop of OH MY GOD ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWN SECOND TRIMESTER DEN NEH NEEEHNEH DENEH NEH NEH NEEEEH, it could be an OH MY GOD THIS BENCH IS SO FREAKEN GROSS I SHOULD CLEAN THAT BEFORE I PUT MY SPAGHETTI ON I-- Oh, too late...
Okay, so, when I resize etc my shots, I rename them with the number in the order they go in the post, and write some reminder text as the name which I can either disregard later or plunder for previous eureka moments.
This particular imaged is entitled "13bedraggledspaghetticountersraincars.jpg"
WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?! Bedraggled spaghetti counters rain cars!? What cars? What are they doing in the rain? What's a spaghetti car and how would one drive it if you were in one, would it not lose structural integrity before you'd even finished constructing it? Cooked spaghetti, not known for its rigidity... Especially not when it's al dente.... *confusion*
And then apparently the storm caused a fire. You can clearly see it here, right? RIGHT!!??!?! *eyebulge*
PHANTOM FIRE!! INVISIBLES! ARMAGADS!!!!!! STOP THE PRESSES! WEEKLY WORLD NEWS WILL SURELY WANT TO KNOW ABOUT THE SILENT, INVISIBLE POTENTIAL KILLER!! That puddle in the middle of the bamboo didn't even evaporate which you surely think it would in such close proximity to the kind of blaze that would attract the immeadiate attention of the local fire department.
Bathory's stats definitely went down in reaction to this supposed brushfire... Nothing else did, however. ~~ITS A MYSTERY!~~
Now THIS is more like it! You thought that was a fire, Bathory? Now THIS is a fire!
Bathory: *nonchalantly goes to pick up the hundred years baby bottle*
Bathory: *bins bottle*
Bathory: *goes to have a bit of a kip*
HuagBlazeofPandaFodderBurnination: *blazes on for the cause that that rebel kid didn't have and then he died*
EVERYONE!!! EVERYONEEEEEE!! DEACON MADE IT TO TODDLER!! OH MY GOD!
Check it out, secret to infant raising success? Keep em in a crib in a tiny bricked cell with no windows and only one, solid, wooden door. You will breed the cutest, cuddliest, most pleasantly disposed child you've ever set eyes on. TRUFAX!!
Oh maaaan SO MUCH LOVE! *melts aforementioned questionable cockles*
WOOOT!! YES SO NOT A LOT HAS BEEN HAPPENING OKAY?!?! FINAL TRIMESTER!!! PLEASE BE A GIRL PLEASE BE A GIRL PLEASE BE A GIRL... At this point as well there's SO not enough monies to make the little crib shack/prison thinger bigger so the kids are going to have to go into a rotation to stay warm... EEEEP!
Oh maaan Deacon, why are you so cute?! IT IS UNFAIRNESS! YOUR MASCULINITY MAKES ME WEEP FOR I CANNOT KEEPS YOU INSPIRE OF YOUR CLEAR AND PRESENT WIN! *poutpout*
Also, LOL At Ball-Of-Stink™'s progeny escaping from the toilet and attempting to peep into the photo from around the corner of the saving-baby-cell.
Baby Deacon, displaying his clear youth talents as the Pied Piper of Poverties..! He gathers up the wolfies, the natural enemy of the Cullen (APPARENTLY xD) AND THEN LEADS THEM OUT OF TOWN AND DROWNS THEM IN THE OCEAN! SERENADES THEM TILL THEY GET SLEEPY AND GO HOME...
Not QUITE the bloodlust one would think would be engendered by his namesake, but he does manage to confuse the hell out of that wolf:
Wolf-which-is-not-the-leader-of-the-pack: WHY CAN I SEE THE MUSIC?!? WHAT HAVE I BEEN SMOKING?! HOW CAN I SMOKE, I HAVE NOT THE OPPOSABLE THUMBS!?! AM I BEETHOVEN?!?!
This is seriously an UUUUGH and AWWW simultaneous moment. Poor Deacon, I have no the ability to purchase you a dog bed to crawl onto/into for I am barred from hasing the Apartment Life without going over to the dark side... Also your mum couldn't afford it if she wanted to anyway xD
WOOO CULLEN POP QUIZ: Is Bathory,
a) Starving to death and demanding to be fed
b) Experiencing the extreme, deathly, organ-ripping pain beauty of childbirth
or c) Simulating both to garner sympathy and charitable donations?
GO MIYU!! ITS YOUR BIRTHDAY!!!!
YES, YOU GUESSED CORRECTLY!! FINALLY, ITS A GIRL!
THE HEIR HAS LANDED!!!!!!!!
And she's named after the hardcore, kick arse Vampire Princess Miyu, the demon killer with the changeable heart of gold, a silly demon boyfriend named after insect babies, and a strange pink plushie sidekick who could either be mistaken for a dog toy OR marital aid.
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And yes, I did just call heir on an infant who's existed perhaps four seconds. THAT'S HOW THE CULLENS ROLL! ITS A TWO SIDED DIE..! I DON'T CARE IF YOU CLAIM THAT DIE DON'T EXIST, YOU GONNA MAKE ME CHANGE THAT METAPHOR TO A COIN TOSS OR SOME SHIT?!
Well, that would be reasonable... ^_^
Uh... Hi burly fireman. Why are you here exactly? There's been no fire, the rain's been stopped for quite some time. Are you attempting to imprint on the new baby? WELL YOU CAN'T, CAUSE YOU'RE NOT A PIXELTRADIE, SO GTFO THE LOT, K?!
Oh maaaan, whenever I get them to serve this I get hungry. OM NOM NOM AAAH DELICIOUS FRESH FRUITS AND STRAWBERRY YOGHURT AAAUUUUUUGH!!! <33333 Man now I'm hungry again and I just had a HUAG delicious kangaroo roast with fries and a mega awesome fresh salad. WHAT DO YOU DO TO MA BRAINS, SIMS?!
Potty training in the Cullen household is a multi-skilling kind of affair. You learn to poop while simultaneously learning about the biology of a womans reproductive organs. CLEARLY Deacon is mesmerised and is a commendably attentive learner.
LOOKING AT YOUR MOTHER'S LADY PARTS IS NOT GROSS YOU GUYS OKAY!? NOTHING OEDIPUSSY AT ALL IS GOING ON HERE! HE'S JUST GAINING LIFE SKILLS. THAT'S RIGHT, SKILLS FOR LIFE! And pooping. :D Cause he must also learn that every body poops. :D
OH LORD! THE POTTY TRAINING FACE OF GOLD. SOMEONE GET THIS PHOTO AND MOUNT IT IN THE POOL ROOM! ♥ ♥
Yes, I did go there: More potty face spam..! :D Because Bathory makes the most CRUCIALLY AWESOME faces, and my eyeset pleases me daily *dance*
*considers getting some sim to paint this as Bathory's heir portrait*
CAUSE NOW I KNOW WHAT THAT PAINT CUSTOM PAINTING OPTION MEANS xD NO I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT IT DID BEFORE, YES I AM SLOW SOMETIMES!
The elation of the poop. It is grand. And almighty.
Your soccer team winning a league-turning match 1-0 in the 89th minute, or your second-born,-non-heir-only-except-for-that-other-one-that-was-taken son doing a poop into a plastic chair. THE LATTER IS CLEARLY MORE AWESOME, Y/Y?!
Bathory: *JUBILIANT Y!!* OH BABY YOU POOPED LIKE A PRO!!
Deacon: I totes did :D
INTERMISSION!
LAURIETHEMUPPET 'S EDWARD CULLEN! HE BUUURNNNNNS..!!!!
With memories of Lugosi's in their eyes, Bathory and Miyu indulge in some raspberry blowing, nose rubbing, orangutan-or-perhaps-duck-face-i'm-undecided-on-exactly-which-making baby love.
Either that or Miyu thinks her mother is a Shinma and is attempting to deafen her but clapping her tiny ears over her eardrums in order to momentarily disorient her before dispatchng her to the demon realms.
Which ever's cuter. ^_^
We're sleeeeeping in the rain, just sleeeeeeping in the rain..! What a gloooorrrrrrious feeeeeeeeeeeling we're saaaaaaaaaaaaaaaturated again..! We're snoooring at clouds, so daaaaark up above. The heeeeeeeeeeeeeiiiiir's in the huuuutt and we're reaaaaaady for pneumonia..!
Told you guys we'd have to go for a bed inside-outside rotation. Hopefully it doesn't snow again cause if one of these guys gets too cold they BOTH GO! >_<;;; AAAUGH!
*fingers crossed*
I CANNOT GO ON, I JUST HAD A HEART ATTACK FROM THE CUTENESS.
Ball-Of-Stink™ approves, and provides visual ambience and differentiation of tone. THANKS BOS™ WE CAN ALWAYS COUNT ON YOU! :D
BOS™: =D
Deacon: *bes a little wall-eyed*
Simultaneous birthday!
WE'VE MADE IT THIS FAR, NO EVIL SOCIAL WORKER: THE RETURN!
Also, nice choice of the thematically green and blue, kiddlets. I APPROVE!
Deacon! Such a sweet looking little child, you can tell he's just got the sunnies--- wait hang on, do those teddy bears on those pajamas have HUAG distended bellys and outie-belly buttons that kind of look like tranq darts sticking out of their stomachs? O_O;;;
I guess belly-distention is poverty fitting, - THE POOR BEARS, THEY CANNOT EAT THE BALOONS, THEY ARE STARVING! ;_; - but the tranq dart? Right in the stomach? YOU CAN'T TRANQUILISE A CULLEN, THEY KNOW YOUR EVERY MOVE! THEY CAN SEE YOU WHEN YOU'RE SLEEPING, THEY HEAR YOUR THOUGHTS WHEN YOU'RE AWAKE!
Hello there little epically chinned heir! :D No elf ears *pouts* Guess I'll have to attempt to breed those back in at a later stage - if Miyu manages to make it to adulthood ^_^;;;; - and I can't really tell where the rest of her features are from. I guess this means she's a good mix of her parentals?
Although, I'm SURE Dale's chin is no where NEAR that epic O_O;;; ARE YOU PRACTICING FOR A FUTURE CAREER AS ROGER RAMJET, MIYU?
OH MY GOD! Children = FREE CHILD LABOUR!
*plunders*
*takes advantage*
*cracks whip*
Deacon, what on earth are you doing making friends with the werewolf while you're still a child? Is this to prep into becoming one of their flock? O_O Um... Pack? ^_^;; Are you SURE you're a Cullen? *shifty eyes* His name is Spot, not Jacob, just fyi...
I feel you are forgiven ALL of your sins though, my little one, since you're a boy anyway and so will get kicked out when you come of age anyway, and YOU AUTONOMOUSLY CLEAN!!! Awwwww! So handy around the house, child labour, it not underrated you guys!
This is an example of exceptional parenting, AMIRITE?!
Oh! You may note, the cell is now MUCH LONGER!! I couldn't make it quite big enough to fit the double bed in, but its getting there :D I figured as long as Deacon spends time inside there doing his homework and/or teasing Miyu, he couldn't overheat and his bed could stay outside with Bathory's until such time as there was enough monies to widen the place that little bit more. :D
AWWWWWW!! EPIC WORLD DOMINATING CHIN or no, Miyu makes for an undenyably adorable baby sim. Is this the start of the inevitable wiggling slide action that shall make her a whizz at the man-catching-smustle?!
HEY DALE!! HOW'RE YA DOING?! Wanna try for a third child, you know, if you don't get asphyxiated by Bathory's welcome kiss. ^_^;;
That's a delighted face of tiring out your partner (there was fireworks, so unless they were one sided, she's not asleep cause she was bored to death xD xD) and managing to avoid fathering another child. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOUR PROBLEM WITH BEING A FATHER FOR THE FOURTH TIME IS DALE, that smug expression could be wiped off your face, its not like you even pay child support.
You know, ABOUT THAT.. >_>;;
Deacon: And then when you reach my age, you get to board this magical yellow bus which takes you to this HUGE place that feeds you and is completely inside. Can you imagine that? CHAIRS, INSIDE A BUILDING!
Deacon gives Miyu incentive to age up and not get taken away by the dreaded SocialWorkerBeast before she can indulge in the magical mystery tour of hot chips, lasagne and salad rolls.
Autonomously getting hung upside down by your father and loving it?
I THINK WE'RE ONTO A WINNER!!
Dale Forest in his underpants, fresh sustenence being fed to an excited child, a bamboo forest and butterflies on green plush grass...? Its a hippy paradise!
DALE! ITS YOU THAT'S BEEN LEAVING THOSE DARN CANS OF DEAD BUTTERFLIES ALL OF THE LOT! YOU'VE BEEN RUMBLED!!!! Here I was thinking it was some kind of creepy phantom, or that mysterious fireman. BUT NO!
Are you leaving them as mementos for your kids to remember you by? *creeped out*
OH GREAT, THIS IS JUST WHAT I NEEDED >_>;;;
Yeah, you guessed it, Cockroaches. Cause everyone on the lot contracting bug-borne diseases is just what you want when you sleep outdoors in the elements and have no floor in your bricked hut...
NOW WE SEE IF OUTDOOR PLUMBING CAN KEEP PEOPLE ALIVE!
Oh look, the beach towel bug... I've never had this before! So now not only are my sims suffering from beetle illnesses, SO IS THEIR LOT! O_O;;
Aaaaah, the hazards of outdoor sleeping... I'm unsure if this firetruck visit was inspired by something in the forest catching ablaze again, or if the fireman has begun attempting to watch Bathory while she sleeps.
STEALTH CHECK, FAIL!
Deacon creates lemonade to sell, to try and get a little more money into the house and perhaps manage to afford an extra wall... He appears to be getting high off of the sugar and the lemons in that jug are MAGICAL! How are they not falling out without any kind of jug? And why do they look like a photograph of REAL life lemons and not game lemons?
WHAT'S GOING ON, TEXTURES MAKERS?!
OH MY GOD! It IS the magical mystery bus....
Effeminate school bus driver is A PORN STAR!!!! I don't know why, maybe its the villianous wild-west curl to that mustache but I feel it gives him an heir of being a french gay porn star..
BusDriverPierre: SACREBLEU, MON AMI! I SHALL FROST VOUS, HOW YOU SAY, LIKE LE PROVERBIAL GÂTEAU..!
Um, Bathory? Deacon wont be able to look after Miyu if you hack up a lung and die, and they'll both be taken by the social worker... Legacy over. Please try and swallow either one of them down if they attempt to turn themselves inside out and come up through your oesophagus? Yes?
Good girl. ^_^
Miyu: There there, good potty, nice potty... No sucking out my internal organs, I'll be gentle with you if you're gentle with me, k?
When I was a kid I used to think that there was a toilet monster that would shoot his hand up into you, grab your internal organs from the inside and then yank them out so you'd be found dead, disembowled, if you weren't careful. Now that I'm an adult I'm like LOL SILLY BABY NETT, but one of my friend's fiance had a similar phobia as a child. And you know what he does now? He sings whenever he goes to the toilet, so that people will know if he stops singing, something has got him and to come running to save him.
Im sorry, but thats ADORABLE!!! xD
Oh, sweetness.. Did you think you didn't need that other lung either? You do in fact need both in order to execute proper child care... I'm not sure sims have perfected iron lung technology at this point in their history. Alien abduction yes, potions to cure you of all sorts of supernatural disorders, but cure for bugdiseases?
Sims 2 says no.
Deacon made a friend and brought him home as a shield from BusDriverPierre! HOW AWESOME IS THIS KID!??! TOTAL 80s rocker asian kid 3000! I wish I could age him up and breed him in, features of WINSAUCE!!
PS: CHECK OUT MIYU, using the potty all on her own :D :D YAY SOMEONE LEARNED PROPER LIFE SKILLS IN THE FIRST BORN GENERATION OF MA POVERTY :D
While suffering with extreme illnesses, this kind of full back-al shower is COMPLETELY what she needs... DON'T WE ALL AGREE! THIS WILL HEAL HER UP, NO PROBLEMS!
So will standing there for about two sim hours without moving. Um.. Bathory? O_O;;
There's nothing to see here, please to be focusing on the mesmerising bubble action, blown by a small child in a rubber ducky swimming inner tube by A BED THAT IS INSIDE A HOUSE! INSIDE!!
YOU GUYS YOU HEAR ME?!?! WE HAVE MADE A HOUSE BIG ENOUGH TO HOUSE A BED!!
And we leave you with ... BATHORY, HACKING UP THE VOID WHERE HER LUNGS ONCE WERE..!
Oh yeah, there now really IS nothing to see there.. ^_^;;
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