One more day in Paradise - part two
It was raining.
A sad laugh echoed through the rain; it was quickly turned into a muffled sob of pain. Koki let himself fall down at the corner of Kazuya’s complex, feeling like weeping along with the rain.
Pathetic.
That would be the perfect word to describe him right now. He never thought he could live something like this or that he’d feel such pain to the extent of wanting to …die. What a stupid reason for wanting to end his life! Just because the one he loves… betrayed him. Just because he wanted to believe in Kazuya more than anyone and got his heart ripped apart instead.
Another laugh.
In fact, he wanted to cry. He wanted to shout, to hit; to destroy something or someone, he wanted this pain to disappear. But sometimes it wasn’t enough just to want, to wish. Because if he could, then he’d have Kazuya and they’d be happy. What a utopia! He can’t be happy with Kazuya, not when things like this were happening. A dark laugh escaped from his throat. No, he really wanted to cry. Because what he felt was killing him on the inside.
No more pain.
Really? The song was damn ironic to what he was feeling. Everything was burning in pain and nothing seemed to have a meaning anymore. He wanted to trust Kazuya, he wanted to believe in him no matter what; he wanted to simply… love him. But he should have realized that with Kazuya such things were never bound to happen. Because of what happened in the past, because of his love for Jin, because of… everything!
He and Kazuya were never meant to be.
And like a drunken man, Koki walked through the pouring rain, trying to find the strength of facing tomorrow. Because he’ll never act up like this again, he’ll never run and hide… ever.
*
Meanwhile, inside Kazuya’s apartment, Jin was seated on the couch and was waiting for the boy to return from the kitchen where he went to bring them something to drink. Although Jin had offered to do that instead, Kazuya just brushed him aside and shoved him down on the couch. He understood the need of doing something, so he left Kazuya alone. This time, Jin didn’t want to fight, just this once.
A few minutes later, the younger returned with two glasses and some cookies, put them on the table and then he sat down on the floor. He looked lifeless and vulnerable making Jin want to chase away his worries or whatsoever burdened him. But seeing him like this, can he really do this? Jin took a deep breath and grabbed his glass.
“Kazu…” he said, waiting for a reaction like before, but the boy remained silent. “It’s been a week since you haven’t come to the jimusho. Everybody says not to worry about this, because it’s happened before, but…” he continued, still not getting any reaction, Jin sighed to himself. “And I know about Koki missing…” he added and as soon as he mentioned the rapper’s name, Kazuya’s body jerked and his head lift up immediately, looking desperately at Jin.
The man felt his heart clench at this reaction and averted his look from Kazuya. He couldn’t believe that the eyes that once looked at him this way became like this for another man. It felt suffocating the feeling he had now and wanted to change something, he really wanted. Jin went down to Kazuya, kneeling in front of him so now both of them were looking at each other from the same level. Kazuya leaned back a little, surprised at his movement, but Jin grabbed his hand and his pleading eyes rooted Kazuya on the spot.
“Have you really forgotten me, Kazu?” he asked; his voice low and a little desperate. “I know I shouldn’t have left you like I did, I know I shouldn’t have done many things, but… I just don’t know how to act around you.” He continued, looking straight in the two brown orbs of Kazuya. “I wanted to love you, I wanted to hold you everyday, but in the same time I wanted to be away from you, to not know you…” Jin let his head fell, his long bangs hiding the upper part of his face. “You drove me crazy everyday of my life and you still do it now. I had moments when I couldn’t control myself because of you. The way you flirted with others so openly, the way you touched others while being on scene and not only… The way others looked at you!” his voice raised a little and his grip tightened. “I wanted to keep you only for me, but I began believing that you’re going to turn me into a bad person. No, I really thought you were the reason for my bitterness and my rotten self.”
Jin said no more and silence fell over them. Kazuya looked at the one holding his hand and upon hearing what he just said; lots of things became clear in his mind. The man in front of him never talked things with him and hid lots of them, incapable of solving them. But…if and only if he had talked about them, maybe things would have been different. Maybe Kazuya would have given a second chance; maybe Kazuya would have waited for him no matter how much. But Jin chose this path and he’ll follow his.
“That’s why…” Kazuya began and Jin’s body stiffened. “…you hit me that night.” He continued and Jin lifted his eyes immediately, apologize already in them on his lips, but Kazuya interrupted. “I don’t blame you! Not anymore. And I remember I didn’t blame you even back then. I thought it just simply happened, you were drunk and I was in your way…”
“You should have hit me back.” Jin’s hoarse voice said, Kazuya laughed softly, he felt his jaws stiff.
“Maybe I should’ve done so, but I controlled myself. I knew you’d be sorry the next day and beside, I have revenged myself in my own way.” He joked, reminiscing their times together.
“I’m sorry.” Jin said and he looked in his eyes. “I really am.”
Kazuya’s smile slowly faded and he tilted his head to the right. He tried to ease the atmosphere, but it seemed that Jin wanted to continue and his serious expression never changed. He should be happy because this showed that their love hadn’t been a lie and there had been something real and true between the two of them.
“It’s okay now, Jin. Everything’s passed.” The boy said and tried to pull his hand.
“No, it’s not.” Jin didn’t let go. “I still love you, Kazu…”
Kazuya’s heart skipped a beat. Ah! What wouldn’t he have given to hear this when he felt alone and desperate, when everything around him seemed lost and without hope. When Koki tried to make him forget. He closed his eyes in hoping of closing his bleeding heart to these long wished words.
“But I don’t.” he finally answered, his mouth dry.
Jin already knew this, but he still couldn’t bear to hear them. He pulled Kazuya in his arms, holding him tightly, trying to convince him through his body that this can’t be real, that he won’t accept it.
“Let me go!” the younger shouted and tried to detach himself from Jin, but again, the latter was stronger and he hadn’t eaten or slept for days.
“I won’t! Kazu, I’m really sorry for how of a jerk I was, but I can’t stop these overflowing feelings! I want you back in my life… I promise to be better, to make it better!” he said, a cry on the edge of his voice.
Kazuya sighed and let himself be held by Jin. It was no use struggling and right now he had to convince the older man that once they were through, they would remain this way.
“No.” he simply said and the hands on his hips tightened their grip. “I’m sorry, Jin, but we can’t go back to how we were. I really love Koki and I don’t want to hurt him. He was there for me when you have left me like it didn’t matter and he made my world alive again. He has supported me all this time and you can’t simply come back and replace him like he doesn’t matter. I won’t do this to him nor do I want to.” He continued, never offering the chance to Jin to say something. “Because I love him.” He added and tried once more to get away from Jin.
He managed to do so, but what a bad idea! Because that’s when Jin took his chance and grabbed him a second time, kissing him. He forced himself upon Kazuya, shoving his tongue inside his mouth and biting his lips desperately. His hands slipped under his shirt, caressing the skin he long yearned; then scratching it, leaving marks. The punch he received made him curl and stop. Kazuya shoved him off and rose up, wiping his lips and looked down at Jin, disgust in his eyes.
“You said you wanted to be better! This isn’t the way to do so!” he said, his body trembling.
Jin looked up to him. His beautiful Kazuya didn’t belong to him anymore, he could see it now. Though, he really felt in the kiss. The kiss that wasn’t for him anymore. The wrong kiss.
He rose up as well and saw Kazuya take a step back. Really, what has he become now? A monster of which his precious one was scared of? Maybe he did.
“This is why I wanted to be apart from you.” Jin said to him, smiling a little; but his smile was a hurt one. “Because you make me lose my mind. You make me go insane.” He added, his eyes sharpening a little, somehow blaming Kazuya for this.
“You better go.” The boy said, shuddering at the reproachful look. “Just forget about me, just like I forgot about you.”
“Liar.” Jin simply said and passed by him and exited the apartment.
Kazuya crumbled down and grabbed his body. Jin was right, he never forgot him. But this didn’t mean that he loved him. In this case, he was sure.
*
Two days later, Kazuya went back to the jimusho, apologizing to everyone for his long absence, saying that he’ll work double to repay for this. They assured him that there was no problem and that it happened to everyone to be down with flu. Hypocrisy was the queen in JE jimusho, Kazuya mused and headed for KAT-TUN’s room. There he stopped in front of the door, gathering the courage to face Koki - for he heard about his return too - and to talk with him properly. He was just about to press the knob when he heard the voice that made his heart beat faster.
“Are you going to enter or stare at it?” Koki asked; his face expressionless as Kazuya would see when he’d turn to see the rapper.
Neither of them thought that after a week of not seeing each other would make their inside burn, bleed and squeal in happiness. There were such mixed emotions that which was stronger couldn’t be defined. Though they could simply tell that their love for each other hadn’t decreased at all even if Koki swore to rip apart his heart beating for Kazuya and replace it with a metal one. The younger one took a step closer to him and bit his lower lip, worry written all over his face.
“Now you’re going to stare at me?” the rapper replied, his voice cold as ice.
“We need to talk.” Kazuya said and made an attempt to grab Koki’s hand but he foresaw that and pulled his hand out of Kazuya’s reach.
“Thought you might say that.” Koki said and turned his back and went ahead. The younger understood that he was to follow.
Both of them walked in silence and entered an empty room. By the time, the door closed behind them, silence has settled between the two of them. Koki leaned on the table and Kazuya still faced the closed door. None of them said anything, only their breaths could be heard in the silent room. But still, there were so many things spoken in the silence.
Sorry.
Love you.
Don’t.
Come back.
Forgive and forget.
Don’t leave me behind.
They could hear and feel each other beating hearts, both beating for the other. They could forgive and forget; they could go back… if they really wanted to.
“You said you want to talk.” Koki broke the silence and pierced Kazuya with his eyes. The younger turned and took a breath before speaking.
“I want to tell you what really happened that night.” He began and saw Koki arching an eyebrow questionably. “Jin came up suddenly and caught me off guard, that’s how he entered the apartment.” He began, but Koki interrupted him.
“Which of the nights are you talking about?” he asked Kazuya who stared back confused.
“E-excuse me?”
“I asked, which of the nights you are talking about?” the rapper repeated the question with an incredible calm.
“I don’t understand you.” Kazuya replied, even more confused.
“Night one: when I caught the two of you. Night two: when you let Jin in your apartment two days ago.” Koki explained; all smiles.
Kazuya paled. How did Koki know about Jin’s visit from two days ago?! Has Jin told him anything?! No, it couldn’t have. There would have been bruises on Koki’s face, because the two of them definitely wouldn’t have chitchatted happily about this.
“I saw you.” Koki said out of the blue, startling the boy.
“W-what?”
“Two days ago, I came to your apartment to talk with you but Jin got before me and… and you played the perfect host, I guess.” Koki told and shrugged, looking like he didn’t care. It hurt Kazuya seeing this.
“He came as well to talk!” Kazuya said, getting closer to the rapper. “And that’s all we did! We talked!” he added, ignoring the popping images of Jin attacking him with kisses and touches.
“Do you really expect me to trust you?” Koki retorted, looking angry and in the same time, sad and hurt. “After seeing you crying so much over him, after seeing you missing him so much, after all you two had together… do you expect me to trust you?!!” Koki shouted this time, his fists clenched.
“YES!” Kazuya shouted back, tears in his eyes. “Because I thought you loved me, because I thought that this what love means! Because I trust you too…” his voice broke and left his head down.
“Well, I can’t.” Koki answered. “Maybe I would’ve gotten over the first time seeing you with Jin, I would’ve believed anything you would have said to me. But seeing it a second time and who knows, maybe it wasn’t even the second… I simply can’t.” he added, sounding sad and feeling pathetic.
“I’m sorry, I’m really sorry!” Kazuya said and looked to Koki, his regret written all over his face. “If I had known that he…”
The tears in his eyes made Koki’s heart clench. As much he hated the weak and pathetic self, the same amount and even more he hated himself for being the reason of Kazuya’s tears. But he had to ignore this feelings otherwise he would go back on his words. Koki shook his head in denial and didn’t let the boy finish his sentence.
“I’m sorry too, Kazu…” the boy flinched. “…ya.” he sighed and moved away from Kazuya. Gulping and looking anywhere else than him, he added: “No matter how much I might love you or no matter how much you might want to love me, it won’t work.”
Kazuya looked at the rapper with a distrustful look and tried to get closer to him, but once again Koki avoided him. He needed the distance to be kept between the two of them otherwise he might surrender to his love.
“W-why?” Kazuya asked on a whimpering voice. “You’ll leave me. The same as him.” He then accused, feeling hurt and betrayed.
And Koki felt the same hearing Kazuya’s reproach. Never mind the comparison between him and Jin. He almost laughed to himself, seeing himself seated on the same level as the America-lover boy.
“If I could never leave you, then I would do it.”
“Then why do you want to leave?!” Kazuya asked, his voice shaking a little.
“You should know the answer.” Koki replied and feeling he’s at his limits, exited the room leaving a puzzled and sad turtle.
*
Later in the day, everyone from KAT-TUN noticed the cold atmosphere between Kazuya and Koki, but better said the cold shoulder Koki offered to the turtle. They could only guess that the rumors were indeed true and the two of them formed a couple and Jin stirred things up. And since they knew it was better not to ask, they kept to themselves and hoped that it won’t turn into a second KAT-TUN when A was still in it or worse, have another letter or two leave. This would really mean the end of them.
“I’m going to the bathroom.” Kazuya said and left the room while all the eyes glued to the rapper who immediately glared back.
“Nee, doesn’t Kame look a little sick today?” Ueda asked, worry in his tone. Nakamaru approved him and the two of them talked between of them, glancing from time to time to Koki.
The rapper had noticed too that when he talked with Kazuya, he boy wasn’t looking very good, but he thought that maybe it was because he told him about Jin. But it seemed that his assumption had been wrong and Kazuya seemed to be ill.
“He did stay a week in his apartment, right?” Maru said in a loud voice.
“Yes, maybe he really wasn’t feeling very good. And since no one visited him being busy searching for another one…” said Ueda with an accusing and loud voice, making Koki feel bad.
Kazuya had been down to bed? The rapper asked himself, worry starting to get a hold of him. What if the boy collapsed in the bathroom? It has been a long time since he has gone, right? Maybe I should go after him!
But before his thought was even given full birth, his legs have already taken him outside of the room, not noticing two smiling members who were left behind. Koki hurried down the corridor in search of Kazuya and he came to halt when he saw Jin talking to someone. He wasn’t really in the mood to see the man, but the way to the bathroom was to pass right by him. And he couldn’t act impolite in front of others no matter how much he disliked the person; it was Kazuya’s influence on this. So he decided to go further, Kazuya’s well state being more important than a twerp like Jin.
So, he took two steps further when he stopped again, stunned.
“Kazuya?” he said before even agreeing to say so.
The younger looked at Koki and an alarmed expression appeared on his face. He looked at Jin and then back to Koki and seemed to not know what to do. Well, this was a first for the almighty Kamenashi Kazuya. Koki smiled and it wasn’t the sweetest smile.
“Oh, umm, hello and bye.” He said and turned to leave when Kazuya’s voice stopped him.
“Tell him, Jin, please, tell him!”
He would have left if the plea in Kazuya’s voice hadn’t pierced like a knife through his heart. He didn’t and did want to know what made Kazuya to beg like this.
“Why, Kazu? Don’t you see he doesn’t care about you anymore?!” said Jin on a tired and unwilling voice which make Koki’s hair stand up. Also, the way he mentioned Kazuya’s name… Koki clenched his fist fighting the urge to hit someone who was named Akanishi Jin.
“Even so, please, tell him the truth…” Kazuya whined and the rapper could sense the tears in his voice.
He turned and headed for them directly, taking Kazuya by hand and pulling him away from Jin. He was right, he did have tears in his eyes and his face has lost all of its color. The boy must be sick.
“I don’t need any truth from anyone.” Koki addressed to both of them but mostly looking at Kazuya. “Especially from him.”
“But…” the younger began but was silenced with a harsh look from Koki.
“You don’t need to beg from others truths they can’t offer.”
“But, Koki, I need him to tell you that we didn’t do anything! And I need you to believe me… I need to offer the truth.” Kazuya said and looked so broken that the rapper could bear anymore. He turned to Jin.
“Is it true that you and Kazuya have only talked the nights I saw the two of you together?” he asked and couldn’t refrain the little hope that budded in his heart.
Jin looked at both of them. The teary and sick Kazuya and the proud and hopeful Koki. Both of them were in love with each other, but couldn’t trust one another. What kind of love was this if not destined to perish? And Jin would gladly help to its end.
“It isn’t.” he answered and he could practically hear both of their hearts crumble. Regret was circling his darkened reason. “We kissed.”
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Fresh baked xDD written of course lol
Thank you for reading the 1st part and continuing with the 2nd XD As you can see, there's definitely a 3rd part ^^" At the beginning I didn't want to stop this 2nd part this way, but ....something devilish put me to do so XP *gomene*
Well, I hope you enjoyed this as angsty and drama as it is and I hope you'll wait for the 3rd part too *huggles*