Waiting All My Life to Find You
Date: Friday, 09 February, 2007
Time: Mid-afternoon
Location: Spinner's End
Characters Involved: Remus Lupin
Rating: PG
Remus' first thought upon waking was that something was missing. Before he opened his eyes, he knew something was different, something felt...wrong, somehow. There was something about the air that seemed lacking, as though a part of the very breaths he took had been removed.
A scent.
Turning carefully onto his side, he slowly opened his eyes to face an empty chaise. And, that was when he realized what felt different.
Severus was gone.
Remus had only awoken to his presence once, last month, and already he missed having the other man there when he returned to full consciousness. The sun was on it's way toward the western horizon, if the diffused light peeking around the curtains on the window was any indication. Severus would have returned to teach lessons hours ago.
Surprisingly, he was much more graceful getting out of bed this month than he had been last when he tripped and nearly startled Severus to death in the process. Sleep and lingering fatigue slowed his movements, but there were no accidents as he made his way to the drawer for a pair of loose denims. He didn't want to lay abed any longer. After setting a Beethoven album on to play and rekindling the heat to fill the room with the scent of sandalwood, which he had preferred for himself over all of Severus' choices, Remus took his quilt and a pillow to the chaise, where the scent of Severus was stronger.
It was strange, the way he reacted to Severus' presence on so many levels. There had never been another person who seemed to become such a deep part of Remus' being in the way he felt steeped in Severus.
So, this was what being in love truly felt like.
Love.
Gods, that was such a heavy word, despite the lightness the thought filled him with.
Breathing deeply, just to catch that scent again, he closed his eyes and let his mind drift along with the minor chords of Moonlight Sonata. Unsurprisingly, those thoughts remained focused on the enigmatic man who had taken up residence in his heart and the evening they'd spent together the night before.
Strange as it seemed to even think the words, the evening had been nice. Even his 'inner wolf' felt more relaxed and content this morning than he could ever remember feeling after a transformation before.
He had still joined Zak and June in the cellar room for the initial transformation. That was as much their own personal ritual and comfort of each other as it was precaution now. They were the more social members of the pack and seemed to appreciate not being alone for that first transformation, being with others of their kind in a sort of grim solace.
But after, Severus had joined him upstairs in his room for much of the night, once a cursory check had been made to ensure no sign of trouble could be detected from Perry and Pansy's room. Remus had been a bit bolder in asking for/allowing Severus to touch him, finding the passage of long, sure fingers through his fur to be supremely soothing. More than any other act, that proved to his subconscious that he was no longer alone. How could he be, when there was another person right there at his greatest time of isolation?
Severus had fallen asleep with one hand still resting in his fur, the inherent trust and comfort in that gesture alone causing his heart to swell. It seemed amazing that Severus should be so close to him now during the Full Moon after Remus had almost killed him on a Full Moon so long ago.
But Severus Malcom Kane Snape was a man of more layers than even Remus, who had always thought better of him than many, had realized. The good man Remus had always believed to be hiding beneath the layers of snark and bitterness turned out to be even more warm and caring than might have been suspected. The biting wit, when once allowed to be an expression of true humor instead of a mechanism of self-defense, was dry and intelligent. And, despite the man's constant insistence that he did everything out of a sense of selfishness, Remus had been witness to more truly selfless acts of compassion at Severus' hand than even Severus seemed aware of.
He'd finally gotten past the shell, beyond the traps set for the unwary to keep the world at a safe arm's distance, as he'd always wanted to when they were students.
And, he'd discovered an even better man than he'd hoped to find there.
As usual, he remembered little of the transformation back, or the hour or so just after. But, there were faint impressions left behind -- the sense of a comforting presence that reached him even through his pain, the memory of gentle hands massaging the strain from his back, the tender brush of thin lips across his brow as he drifted off to sleep.
Surely that was some indication these feelings, which seemed to want to explode out of him whenever he was in the same room with the other man, were shared?
The question brought Remus' eyes back open and he stared unseeing at the window for a long moment pondering the deeper question that arose in response -- did he want those feelings to be returned?
Three months. It had been three months and four days since the outing to the car show, since that first kiss. Was it weird that he thought fondly of being called 'obtuse'?
In three months, he felt closer to Severus, had let more of his true nature come out, than in three years of pretending he would wake up one day and just 'be in love' with 'Dora. With 'Dora, he had always known that one day, it was going to end. She would grow tired of waiting for something he likely would never feel, or he would finally give in to the guilt pressing upon him everytime he allowed things to continue as they were, and they would go their separate ways. As long as the war was raging, they were both so busy, it was easy to pretend things would change when the war was over -- that he would just wake up and find himself desperately in love with this vibrant young woman.
But, when he actually had that revelation, when he blinked and realized the eyes he was staring into belonged to the only person he could ever imagine caring for so deeply, those eyes had been glittering black, not a warm brown. And the strength of his own emotions was so far beyond anything he'd ever thought himself capable of it had stolen his breath away. In that moment, lying on the floor, wrapped in exaustion and Severus' arms, he'd been awestruck by the thought that here was a man he would literally do anything for. Anything.
Rermus would have been terrified if he hadn't felt so strangely exhilirated by it all.
And that exhiliration had lasted him until a full month later.
Now, the question he had put off thinking about demanded answers -- where did they go from here?
Moonlight faded into Fur Elise in an odd sort of parallel to his thoughts. The music was soothing, but not as soothing as the time spent with the man. Remus wondered briefly how much longer Severus would be tied to the school. It was unlikely he would not return home this weekend while the pack was recovering from the Full. They had become too much of a family for him to stay away, Remus was sure.
Family.
That word encompassed so much of Remus' heart's desires. Any sense of family he'd once had died with his parents and his friends twenty years earlier. Since then, he had felt disconnected, the true lone wolf. After all, his parents had loved him, but they had also taught him that he would not be as loved by the rest of the world, that the chances of his ever having what they had were almost nothing.
And he'd believed them. He was a monster and utterly unlovable.
Then, his pack had grown and with it, a small sense of belonging. No one else may want them, but they had each other.
That Severus could have wanted him continued to astound Remus.
Still, what they had built together so far was so much more than he'd ever hoped for -- they were each other's support in times of crisis, they were each other's prefered company in times of contentment, and they were certainly each other's passion in times of want and desire. Severus Snape had become the partner and companion Remus had never thought to have.
A mate.
But, would Severus want to be a werewolf's mate? Once the novelty and lust wore off, would he want to bind himself to Remus for life?
Oh Gods, was Remus even ready to think about such a commitment?
Not really.
And yet, the thought of living his life without Severus in it caused such a stab of pain through his heart, it was utterly unbearable. Ready or not, he was going to have to realize that he needed Severus by his side, needed the other man as he needed air to breathe.
So, now, the question must become what did Severus need? What hole could Remus possibly fill in his life? How did Remus go about this business of 'loving'? It wasn't enough for him to feel it. If Severus didn't know what Remus felt, what good was it?
What he felt right at that moment, however, was a surge of fierce protectiveness as he remembered Severus had plans to meet with Draco for dinner after lessons. It was likely he would not be home until late and he'd intimated to Remus that he was unsure of the boy's loyalties. The album switched to the Fifth Symphony and Remus switched positions, turning over onto his back, eyes glued to the door as though to will Severus to walk through it safe and sound.
It was almost shocking to him how strongly he hated having to wait, to not be able to don a disguise as he had for the Masquerade at the Malfoys and follow Severus to watch his back.
Clearly, Remus' heart had put him in this for the long haul and there was no getting around it. He had run from it, pushed the possibility away from him for years. But, now he had to admit the truth.
He wanted a mate, a life partner.
He wanted Severus to be that partner, Severus and no other.
It was time to make Severus aware of his intentions...slowly. He didn't want to overwhelm the other man or push him away by trying too hard. Valentine's day was coming soon. It was trite and cliched, but that might just be the perfect day to begin wooing Severus Snape in earnest.
Time: Mid-afternoon
Location: Spinner's End
Characters Involved: Remus Lupin
Rating: PG
Remus' first thought upon waking was that something was missing. Before he opened his eyes, he knew something was different, something felt...wrong, somehow. There was something about the air that seemed lacking, as though a part of the very breaths he took had been removed.
A scent.
Turning carefully onto his side, he slowly opened his eyes to face an empty chaise. And, that was when he realized what felt different.
Severus was gone.
Remus had only awoken to his presence once, last month, and already he missed having the other man there when he returned to full consciousness. The sun was on it's way toward the western horizon, if the diffused light peeking around the curtains on the window was any indication. Severus would have returned to teach lessons hours ago.
Surprisingly, he was much more graceful getting out of bed this month than he had been last when he tripped and nearly startled Severus to death in the process. Sleep and lingering fatigue slowed his movements, but there were no accidents as he made his way to the drawer for a pair of loose denims. He didn't want to lay abed any longer. After setting a Beethoven album on to play and rekindling the heat to fill the room with the scent of sandalwood, which he had preferred for himself over all of Severus' choices, Remus took his quilt and a pillow to the chaise, where the scent of Severus was stronger.
It was strange, the way he reacted to Severus' presence on so many levels. There had never been another person who seemed to become such a deep part of Remus' being in the way he felt steeped in Severus.
So, this was what being in love truly felt like.
Love.
Gods, that was such a heavy word, despite the lightness the thought filled him with.
Breathing deeply, just to catch that scent again, he closed his eyes and let his mind drift along with the minor chords of Moonlight Sonata. Unsurprisingly, those thoughts remained focused on the enigmatic man who had taken up residence in his heart and the evening they'd spent together the night before.
Strange as it seemed to even think the words, the evening had been nice. Even his 'inner wolf' felt more relaxed and content this morning than he could ever remember feeling after a transformation before.
He had still joined Zak and June in the cellar room for the initial transformation. That was as much their own personal ritual and comfort of each other as it was precaution now. They were the more social members of the pack and seemed to appreciate not being alone for that first transformation, being with others of their kind in a sort of grim solace.
But after, Severus had joined him upstairs in his room for much of the night, once a cursory check had been made to ensure no sign of trouble could be detected from Perry and Pansy's room. Remus had been a bit bolder in asking for/allowing Severus to touch him, finding the passage of long, sure fingers through his fur to be supremely soothing. More than any other act, that proved to his subconscious that he was no longer alone. How could he be, when there was another person right there at his greatest time of isolation?
Severus had fallen asleep with one hand still resting in his fur, the inherent trust and comfort in that gesture alone causing his heart to swell. It seemed amazing that Severus should be so close to him now during the Full Moon after Remus had almost killed him on a Full Moon so long ago.
But Severus Malcom Kane Snape was a man of more layers than even Remus, who had always thought better of him than many, had realized. The good man Remus had always believed to be hiding beneath the layers of snark and bitterness turned out to be even more warm and caring than might have been suspected. The biting wit, when once allowed to be an expression of true humor instead of a mechanism of self-defense, was dry and intelligent. And, despite the man's constant insistence that he did everything out of a sense of selfishness, Remus had been witness to more truly selfless acts of compassion at Severus' hand than even Severus seemed aware of.
He'd finally gotten past the shell, beyond the traps set for the unwary to keep the world at a safe arm's distance, as he'd always wanted to when they were students.
And, he'd discovered an even better man than he'd hoped to find there.
As usual, he remembered little of the transformation back, or the hour or so just after. But, there were faint impressions left behind -- the sense of a comforting presence that reached him even through his pain, the memory of gentle hands massaging the strain from his back, the tender brush of thin lips across his brow as he drifted off to sleep.
Surely that was some indication these feelings, which seemed to want to explode out of him whenever he was in the same room with the other man, were shared?
The question brought Remus' eyes back open and he stared unseeing at the window for a long moment pondering the deeper question that arose in response -- did he want those feelings to be returned?
Three months. It had been three months and four days since the outing to the car show, since that first kiss. Was it weird that he thought fondly of being called 'obtuse'?
In three months, he felt closer to Severus, had let more of his true nature come out, than in three years of pretending he would wake up one day and just 'be in love' with 'Dora. With 'Dora, he had always known that one day, it was going to end. She would grow tired of waiting for something he likely would never feel, or he would finally give in to the guilt pressing upon him everytime he allowed things to continue as they were, and they would go their separate ways. As long as the war was raging, they were both so busy, it was easy to pretend things would change when the war was over -- that he would just wake up and find himself desperately in love with this vibrant young woman.
But, when he actually had that revelation, when he blinked and realized the eyes he was staring into belonged to the only person he could ever imagine caring for so deeply, those eyes had been glittering black, not a warm brown. And the strength of his own emotions was so far beyond anything he'd ever thought himself capable of it had stolen his breath away. In that moment, lying on the floor, wrapped in exaustion and Severus' arms, he'd been awestruck by the thought that here was a man he would literally do anything for. Anything.
Rermus would have been terrified if he hadn't felt so strangely exhilirated by it all.
And that exhiliration had lasted him until a full month later.
Now, the question he had put off thinking about demanded answers -- where did they go from here?
Moonlight faded into Fur Elise in an odd sort of parallel to his thoughts. The music was soothing, but not as soothing as the time spent with the man. Remus wondered briefly how much longer Severus would be tied to the school. It was unlikely he would not return home this weekend while the pack was recovering from the Full. They had become too much of a family for him to stay away, Remus was sure.
Family.
That word encompassed so much of Remus' heart's desires. Any sense of family he'd once had died with his parents and his friends twenty years earlier. Since then, he had felt disconnected, the true lone wolf. After all, his parents had loved him, but they had also taught him that he would not be as loved by the rest of the world, that the chances of his ever having what they had were almost nothing.
And he'd believed them. He was a monster and utterly unlovable.
Then, his pack had grown and with it, a small sense of belonging. No one else may want them, but they had each other.
That Severus could have wanted him continued to astound Remus.
Still, what they had built together so far was so much more than he'd ever hoped for -- they were each other's support in times of crisis, they were each other's prefered company in times of contentment, and they were certainly each other's passion in times of want and desire. Severus Snape had become the partner and companion Remus had never thought to have.
A mate.
But, would Severus want to be a werewolf's mate? Once the novelty and lust wore off, would he want to bind himself to Remus for life?
Oh Gods, was Remus even ready to think about such a commitment?
Not really.
And yet, the thought of living his life without Severus in it caused such a stab of pain through his heart, it was utterly unbearable. Ready or not, he was going to have to realize that he needed Severus by his side, needed the other man as he needed air to breathe.
So, now, the question must become what did Severus need? What hole could Remus possibly fill in his life? How did Remus go about this business of 'loving'? It wasn't enough for him to feel it. If Severus didn't know what Remus felt, what good was it?
What he felt right at that moment, however, was a surge of fierce protectiveness as he remembered Severus had plans to meet with Draco for dinner after lessons. It was likely he would not be home until late and he'd intimated to Remus that he was unsure of the boy's loyalties. The album switched to the Fifth Symphony and Remus switched positions, turning over onto his back, eyes glued to the door as though to will Severus to walk through it safe and sound.
It was almost shocking to him how strongly he hated having to wait, to not be able to don a disguise as he had for the Masquerade at the Malfoys and follow Severus to watch his back.
Clearly, Remus' heart had put him in this for the long haul and there was no getting around it. He had run from it, pushed the possibility away from him for years. But, now he had to admit the truth.
He wanted a mate, a life partner.
He wanted Severus to be that partner, Severus and no other.
It was time to make Severus aware of his intentions...slowly. He didn't want to overwhelm the other man or push him away by trying too hard. Valentine's day was coming soon. It was trite and cliched, but that might just be the perfect day to begin wooing Severus Snape in earnest.