Little Earthquakes (Chapter 16)
Title: Little Earthquakes (16/?)
Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Rating: NC-17
Summary: When Arizona is attacked in the parking lot of Seattle Grace, everything changes...and her relationship with Callie is put to the test.
Content Warning
This story deals with the topic of rape and recovery. I am rating it a hard M for graphic depictions of rape, violence, and, eventually, consensual sex.
I would never write about rape frivolously, nor to titillate. There's a lot of fan fiction out there that deals with sexual assault in all manner of ways, many of them distasteful. The last thing I want to do is add to the litany of "rapefic" that traumatizes beloved characters for the sake of creating a juicy story.
At the same time, rape and sexual assault is a reality. As such, I believe it is a legitimate subject for fiction, especially when the focus is not so much on the physical act but on the psychological repercussions, the aftershocks such an event can unleash in a survivor's life.
If the frank depiction of rape and the pain of recovery (physical, emotional, and sexual) is likely to trigger or otherwise upset you, I would honestly give this story a pass. I don't plan on pulling any punches. I do plan on handling this the most respectful way I know how.
So here I am, very sheepishly presenting you all with Chapter 16 long after I'd hoped to get it done. I have excuses-some of them pretty decent. My partner and our five-year-old son understandably craved my presence after so much time spent focusing on finishing the novel. Getting back into this story was more difficult than anticipated. This chapter in particular vexed me. I've literally had it nearly ready for the past week, and couldn't find the time or inspiration to wrap it up.
Until tonight. I've decided I need to just push this one out. I apologize for the delay, and hope you enjoy.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
When Arizona's cell phone rang a mile into her daily run with Teddy, her already racing heart thundered into overdrive. She skidded to a stop in the center of the park and fished the phone out of her pocket, losing what little breath she had at the sight of Detective Mendoza's number on the display. She had been waiting for this call for days-both dreading the DNA test results and desperately wanting an end to the suspense.
After this phone call, she would know if Colin Thomas was the man who raped her. If he was, that meant her life was about to change-again. There would be a trial, no doubt covered by the local media. Her slow but steady return to normalcy would be put on hold while she dealt with the stress and anxiety of reliving her rape in front of a room full of complete strangers-including the man who hurt her. But a trial also meant he would likely be punished for his crimes, and maybe it would even offer Arizona the possibility of some type of closure.
If the DNA didn't belong to Colin Thomas, that would be difficult in a whole other way. No matter how scary the idea of dealing with the legal system might be, Arizona wanted justice-not only for the girl who Colin Thomas raped five days ago, but also for herself.
Staring at the ringing phone, Arizona braced herself for whatever news Detective Mendoza would deliver. Either way, she had to keep moving forward.
Teddy jogged in place beside her. "Answer it."
Kick-started by Teddy's command, Arizona picked up. "This is Arizona Robbins." Her voice came out breathless and shaky-not how she wanted to carry herself at this moment. Straightening her shoulders, Arizona tried to project more confidence than she felt. "Hello, Detective."
Mendoza hesitated. "Did I catch you at a bad time?"
"No." Arizona met Teddy's eyes, nodding when Teddy encouraged her to keep walking along the path. "Just struggling through my morning run."
"Ah." Mendoza chuckled. "I tried running once. That was all it took."
Arizona managed a smile, but her heart wasn't in it. In the days since Colin Thomas's appearance in the ER, she had tried to imagine how she might react to either of the possible outcomes of the DNA test. Now that the moment of truth was here, she felt poised on the edge of a dark abyss, frightened that no matter what Mendoza told her, she would fall inside.
"So do we know yet?" Arizona didn't see any reason to beat around the bush. They both knew why Mendoza was calling. "Was it him?"
"The DNA test conclusively determined that Colin Thomas is the man who raped you. Yes." Mendoza paused, as though giving her time to digest the news. "We were also able to connect him to an unsolved case from eight months ago. He's going to be charged with three rapes."
"Oh." Arizona's knees wobbled and Teddy immediately grabbed her arm, leading her to a park bench just off the path. She gave Teddy a grateful smile as they sat down then turned her attention back to what Mendoza had just revealed. That Colin Thomas had put two other women through the same trauma he had inflicted on her made Arizona want to burst into tears. She knew exactly how those women felt, and wouldn't wish what happened to them on her worst enemy. "Oh," Arizona murmured again.
"I also want to let you know that we also tested Mr. Thomas for HIV. The results were negative."
Stunned by the wave of relief that swept over her at the revelation, Arizona put a hand on her forehead. The flood of thoughts and emotions triggered by Detective Mendoza's words overwhelmed Arizona, leaving her almost numb. "Thanks for letting me know."
"Are you willing to testify against Mr. Thomas?" Mendoza gentled her voice, obviously aware that this was a delicate subject. "The DNA evidence is critical to our case, but victim testimony is really important to bring a human element into the proceedings. DNA needs context in any situation, and it's better if the prosecution doesn't rely solely on science. Besides, a lab report doesn't carry the same impact as hearing exactly what Colin Thomas did to you, and how your life has been affected because of it."
As much as Arizona dreaded the idea, deep down she knew she had no choice. In her heart she knew that if Colin Thomas weren't locked up, he would continue raping women. She hadn't been able to do anything after her attack to prevent him from hurting his most recent victim, but she could damn well do something now. "Of course I'll testify."
"Thank you." Mendoza sounded relieved. "I know it's difficult. That's a very courageous decision."
"Doesn't feel like much of a choice." Arizona hesitated, unsure how much she should ask about the other victims. But she had to know. "The other two women…they're testifying, right?"
"I'm hoping to convince the girl he attacked last week that she needs to come forward and speak at the trial. Her brother is an eyewitness-he's made it clear he's willing to do whatever it takes to put this guy away. But she's hesitant. This is still so fresh for her. She hasn't even healed yet and already she has to think about telling a jury what happened to her."
Arizona tried to imagine dealing with the idea of trials and courtrooms less than a week after her own attack. She wouldn't have had the strength. Her heart ached for the girl, and she wanted so badly to assure her that things would get better. Not quickly, not easily, but gradually and with no small amount of struggle-life went on.
As easy as it was to sympathize with the girl, Arizona hated the idea that she might be the only one willing to speak out in court. Trying to hide the quaver in her voice, Arizona said, "How about the first victim?"
"Yes, she's agreed to testify. Which is a great thing." Mendoza cleared her throat, lowering her voice. "But quite frankly, I'm very glad that you're willing to tell your story. The jury will be more sympathetic to you. You've got a very strong character that the defense won't be able to throw into question."
A niggle of worry stirred Arizona's gut. She wasn't completely ignorant about how sexual assault victims are often the ones put on trial, but hearing Mendoza verbalize it was jarring. "Why is that? Because I'm a professional or because the defense can't suggest that I have a history of promiscuity with men?"
"Honestly? Both." The quiet disgust in Mendoza's voice made it clear she found the topic just as distasteful as Arizona. "At any rate, you'll be hearing from the prosecutor's office soon. You'll work with them to prepare your testimony for the trial-the date of which should be set in a few weeks. If you have any questions in the meantime, feel free to call me."
She did have one question. "Would it be all right if I asked you to offer my contact information to the other two women involved? Especially the girl who was attacked last week. I don't know if I can really say or do anything to make it better, or possibly convince her to testify, but…I don't know. I feel like I should try to do something."
"I'll offer it."
"Thank you." She had no idea what she hoped to accomplish by talking to the other members of Colin Thomas's sad little club. But they had a bond-a terrible one-and Arizona couldn't help wondering about them. Who were they? Had their attacks been as brutal? Even worse? She was especially curious about his first victim. Eight months later, how was she doing? Arizona leaned against Teddy, grateful for her warm presence at her side. "I appreciate your call."
"No, thank you, Dr. Robbins. Truly."
Despite not feeling that she'd done anything worthy of Mendoza's gratitude, Arizona accepted the words in the spirit they were intended. "Of course. I'll talk to you later?"
"Definitely. Bye for now."
Arizona hung up the phone and slipped it into the pocket of her sweats. Her hand was shaking.
Lacing their fingers, Teddy pulled Arizona's hand onto her lap. "You okay?"
"Not sure." Smiling weakly, Arizona said, "Seems like that's been the case a lot lately."
"They caught the man who hurt you." Teddy gave her a light squeeze, ducking her head to catch Arizona's gaze. "That's very good news."
Arizona nodded. She couldn't deny that. The downside was the whole laundry list of new challenges to overcome. "Sounds like I'm going to be the star victim of unimpeachable character. Detective Mendoza seemed very relieved to hear that I'll testify."
"I'm proud of you, Arizona. I can only imagine how this must feel. I never reported Jay and Steve-I didn't want to deal with what that would mean. At the time it felt like the right decision for me, but I have to admit, as an adult I look back and think about what not seeking justice meant." Teddy looked down, half-smiling but radiating regret. "One or both of them may have gone on to rape another woman. I wouldn't be surprised. Sometimes I wish I could have another chance like you have now. You can help put him away."
"But what if he isn't found guilty?" The idea of reliving her experience in front of everyone-including the man who hurt her-intimidated the hell out of Arizona, but she would do it if it meant he would be punished. There was always a chance he wouldn't. Arizona didn't know how she would live with that. "What if I go through a trial and for some reason they let him go?"
"They won't. There's DNA evidence. He was caught in the last girl's apartment, for God's sake." Teddy shook her head. "No, it'll be about what kind of sentence he's given, not whether he'll be sentenced at all."
"I hope so." Arizona leaned back against the bench and exhaled. "Detective Mendoza isn't sure the girl he attacked last week will testify."
"I heard. This must be a difficult time for her to think about something like that."
"I know," Arizona said. "It's not easy for me to think about it even months later."
"You're going to be fine." Teddy stroked her thumb over the side of Arizona's hand, offering comfort while keeping a respectful distance. It was almost like she knew Arizona needed space. "Callie will be with you. And once it's over, you can move on. Seeing him punished will hopefully give you a sense of closure."
"Hopefully." Even if Colin Thomas went to prison, his actions could never be undone. True closure was probably impossible-he had stolen something Arizona would never get back. He had changed her forever. Which made seeking whatever justice she could even more important. Even if it did scare her to death. Exhaling, Arizona said, "You're right. I can do this-and I'll be fine. I know that. I just…don't like it."
"I don't blame you. I wouldn't like it, either." Teddy patted her carefully on the knee. "Is there anything I can do to help?"
"You already have." Dropping Teddy's hand, Arizona gave her a quick hug. "Thank you."
"Do you want to call Callie?"
Arizona waved off the suggestion. She needed time to gather her emotions before sharing the news with Callie. "I'll talk to her when I get to the hospital. There's no need to interrupt her when she's working."
"Somehow I don't think she'd mind." Teddy searched Arizona's face, doing a poor job of not looking concerned. "Don't pull away from her now. Not after everything you've been through together."
Pulling away was the last thing Arizona wanted to do. But not calling wasn't the same as pulling away. She didn't want to let the arrest and the anticipation of a trial drag her back to an emotional state that she had fought so hard to get past. Though she would continue being open with Callie about how she was feeling, Arizona refused to make special phone calls to do so. It wasn't that big a deal.
"Trust me, we'll talk about this. And talk. Then probably talk some more. We do all kinds of talking these days." Arizona managed a smile. "This isn't an 'I-need-to-talk-to-you-right-this-second' kind of a thing. It'll keep until I see her at work. I promise."
"Okay." Teddy didn't sound convinced, but she was kind enough not to say anything else about it. "You want to skip the rest of our run and go straight to the doughnut shop?"
Arizona's chin trembled but she quickly pushed back her emotion. No way was she going to get all weak and weepy over doughnuts. But they did sound good, and she loved Teddy for offering. "Desperately, yes."
Teddy stood and pulled Arizona to her feet. "I'm buying."
#
Two hours later, Arizona found Callie in the lounge poring over the file of a shared patient, a 12-year-old boy Arizona had recently diagnosed with bone cancer. As much as she hated recommending amputation for a patient so young-especially one who had gone to the Little League World Series only two months ago-unfortunately, that seemed to be the obvious course of treatment for Paul Ott. She had asked Callie to look over his chart as a last-ditch effort to save his leg, and also to get her opinion about state-of-the-art prosthetics.
From the look on Callie's face, Arizona knew the prognosis wasn't good. That made an already difficult day even worse. Paul was a sweet kid who deserved better than the disease-and the angry father-life had given him.
"I don't want bad news." Arizona walked to the round table in the corner of the room and sat across from Callie, plastering on a smile that she fervently wished would actually make her feel better. "Don't give me bad news about Paul Ott's leg, because I absolutely can't do bad news right now. 'I need more time to make a proper assessment', I can handle. 'There's no way to save his leg', I can't."
Callie reached across the table, placing her hand over Arizona's. "I don't need more time. Do you want to know now or do you want to wait?"
Arizona sighed. "We can't save the leg."
"No, we can't. He is an excellent candidate for a highly-functional prosthetic, though. You said he's an athlete-I don't think he'll need to give up baseball." Frowning, Callie searched Arizona's eyes. Instantly the mood shifted from professional to personal. "What's going on?"
It was obvious Callie could see right past Arizona's smile. Sometimes Callie's increasingly perceptive nature delighted Arizona-the thought that someone in the world cared enough to really see her was undeniably intoxicating-but right now, Arizona wished Callie would just let her façade stand. Especially when they were at work.
"Detective Mendoza called during my run." Lying never crossed Arizona's mind. Callie would know she was hiding something, and she didn't let those things pass anymore. Besides, Arizona didn't want to keep Callie in the dark-she just hoped Callie wouldn't make Mendoza's phone call into more than it had to be. "The DNA was a match. Colin Thomas is being charged with three rapes, including my own."
Callie's fingers tightened almost imperceptibly on Arizona's hand. A shadow passed over her face. "Three?"
"The first happened about eight months ago. Unsolved until they matched Colin Thomas's DNA to the evidence collected in that case."
Callie held her gaze. "How are you doing?"
"I'm fine." Shrugging, Arizona looked away. Eye contact was too much to handle, especially with Callie. Those deep brown eyes seemed to peer directly into her soul. "We knew this already, right? That he was the guy."
"Not for sure."
"Well, now we know for sure." Arizona hesitated, gauging Callie's mood. She wasn't trying to hide her stormy emotion, and Arizona wasn't certain she should say any more while they were at the hospital. Only the knowledge that holding back rarely led anywhere good compelled Arizona to keep talking. "Detective Mendoza asked if I would be willing to testify and I said yes. Apparently the first victim has also agreed to appear in court, but Mendoza thinks the jury will be more sympathetic to me. I have no idea what that means. And the girl whose window he jumped out-she's having a hard time. At the moment she won't consider testifying."
"This is a lot, darling." Callie lowered her voice even though they were alone in the lounge. Her eyes scanned Arizona's face, as though waiting for her to dissolve. "It's okay to be frightened. Going through a trial is a scary thing."
Arizona didn't want to feel the instinctive rush of anger Callie's words provoked, but it swept over her before she could steel herself against it. She had just started feeling like less of a basket case, and having Callie expect her to fall apart wasn't exactly the vote of confidence Arizona wanted. Allowing the prospect of a trial to send her back to her darkest days of fear and shame wasn't an option. It didn't matter what Callie thought.
Besides, Callie was the one who seemed scared. Terrified, really.
Desperate to reassure both of them, Arizona said, "I'm not frightened, Calliope. I'm anxious. I just want to get it over with, so we can put it behind us. I want to see Colin Thomas in prison." She flashed Callie a quick grin then put on her all-business face. "And I want to not talk about it anymore right now. When we're at work I want to focus on work things, like Paul's leg."
"Okay." Clearly unconvinced, Callie continued to search Arizona's face. The bald scrutiny only sharpened Arizona's irritation. "I wasn't trying to upset you."
"You didn't." This time Arizona's forced smile felt more like a grimace. "I told you, I'm fine."
"Good." Callie closed Paul's file, tapping the edge on the table as she stood. "We should go talk to the father. The sooner that leg comes off, the better."
Arizona nodded. Given how angrily Paul's father had reacted to his son's diagnosis and treatment thus far, she sensed this would be a difficult conversation. In fact, talking to Steve Ott was the last thing in the world she wanted to do when she was already on edge. But the only way to prove she was okay was to be okay. Arizona had always been good at handling difficult parents. Today was just like any other day-she could do this.
"Just some advance warning," Arizona said lightly as they emerged from the lounge, "Paul's dad is an emotional guy. He's struggling with his son's diagnosis, and has been very concerned about Paul's ability to continue playing baseball. He won't be happy."
"The surgery will save his son's life." Callie raised a dark eyebrow. "Surely that's the most important thing."
"We'll see."
Callie gave her a sidelong glance, which Arizona ignored. The lingering disquiet she could feel emanating from Callie made her skin crawl. It didn't matter that all Callie's concern came from a place of pure love and devotion. Arizona desperately wanted to make it through the rest of her shift without feeling like she was under a microscope, and Callie pointed a giant lens at her with that subtle look.
Determined to stay strong, Arizona marched determinedly to Paul Ott's room and waved to Steve, who sat watching an iPod as his son slept. Steve hurried out of the room to join them in the hallway, darting his gaze from Arizona to Callie and back again. "You don't look like you're about to tell me what I want to hear."
Arizona gave him a sympathetic shake of the head. "Mr. Ott, Dr. Torres has reviewed your son's chart and, unfortunately, we've agreed that the only course of action at this point is to amputate Paul's leg just below the hip. The cancer has spread from the bone to the surrounding blood vessels, so there's just no way to save the limb." She paused, allowing her words to sink in. Paul's face remained uncharacteristically calm, almost as though he wasn't registering what she said. "I'm so sorry. I wish we had more options, but the cancer is just too aggressive."
"No." Steve shook his head, folding his arms over his chest. "I want another opinion."
"I assure you, Dr. Torres is one of the top orthopedic surgeons in the country. Not only that, she is your second opinion. If there was a way to save Paul's leg, she would be the one to do it. I'm sorry, but the prognosis won't change no matter how many surgeons you consult."
"You think I'm going to let you just cut off my kid's leg? When he's made the All-Star Little League team? With the future he has in baseball?" Red-faced, Steve practically yelled the last part at Arizona. "If you think I'm just going to agree to this, you're fucking crazy."
Callie cleared her throat. "Sir, if we don't amputate, your son won't have a future-in anything. The cancer is pervasive and it's progressing fast. You're free to get a second, third, fourth opinion, but meanwhile, your son is in tremendous pain. His life is in danger. Believe me, if there was any way to save the leg, I'd do it in a heartbeat. At this point, we want to save your son's life."
Steve blinked and glanced away, back into the room where his son still slept. Rather than relax at the sight of his dozing boy, he tensed up, obviously close to losing it altogether.
Not wanting to cause a scene where Paul could overhear, Arizona kept her voice low and calm. "This doesn't have to be the end of baseball for Paul. The prosthetics they make today, the technology used, will blow you away. With enough physical therapy, Paul will be running and jumping and fielding grounders just like any other kid."
Steve's face reddened. "But he won't be like the other kids. He'll be a goddamn cripple."
Arizona pushed back her frustration, gentling her tone. "Amputation surgery isn't particularly risky, but it is very difficult psychologically. Paul will need your support-and your optimism-to get him through this. He needs to be reassured that his future will still be bright."
Steve came at Arizona suddenly, clamping a hand around her wrist and pushing her into the wall with such violence that it forced a surprised whimper from her throat. The moment he touched her Arizona slipped into brutal, chaotic memory-the shocking pain of being punched in the face, her utter helplessness in the face of a man's superior strength, the humiliation of being stripped and penetrated against her will. Dimly Arizona heard Steve Ott's growled rage-telling her that she didn't know what his son needed, that if she were a better doctor she wouldn't need to turn kids into cripples-but the words barely registered. Her entire consciousness focused on the terror of what he might do next.
Then Callie wrenched Steve away, demonstrating more brute strength than Arizona would have imagined possible. "What the hell is wrong with you?" Clearly not content with having simply stopped the assault, Callie shoved hard against Steve's shoulders, causing him to lose his balance and fall backward onto his ass. "You never, ever touch a woman like that. Do you understand me? Never."
Sucking in a lungful of air, Arizona straightened and peered over Callie's shoulder into Paul's room. The tow-headed boy sat up in bed, tears streaming from his wide, scared eyes. Arizona had no idea what he had seen-let alone what he'd heard-but the panic on the boy's face snapped her fully into the present. She stepped away from the wall just as a security guard rushed over to help Steve Ott to his feet.
"Sir, let's go take a walk." The guard stared guiltily at Arizona. "You all right, Dr. Robbins?"
Arizona avoided the guard's gaze, mortified by the thought that he had witnessed her flashback. "I'm fine."
"I'm not taking a fucking walk!" Steve yanked his arm out of the guard's grasp, only to have a second guard grab him from behind. "That's my son in there. I'm not leaving you alone with him! You want to cut off his fucking leg."
Arizona winced and looked back into the room. For a moment Paul looked shocked, then he burst into tears. Turning to the guards, Arizona said, "Get him out of here. Now. He can come back when he's calmed down."
Callie touched her shoulder as the guards escorted a still-shouting Steve Ott down the hallway. "Arizona-"
"Not now." Shrugging away from Callie's hand, Arizona said, "I've got a very upset child to comfort."
"But are you-"
"I said I'm fine," Arizona snapped. "Now let me do my damn job."
Callie flinched. Then she took a step backward, putting physical distance between them. "I apologize, Dr. Robbins. I was just doing my job."
"And then some." The sound of Paul Ott's choking sobs forced Arizona's concern away from Callie, away from the hurt in her eyes and the alarm that flashed across her beautiful face. Arizona couldn't care about anything right now beyond the little boy who had just heard some horrific news in the worst way possible. Right after watching his father get dumped onto his ass. "Go. You've done enough."
Callie's jaw tightened. "Bye."
Arizona turned around and didn't look back.
#
Glass of wine in hand, Callie sat on Arizona's couch and prepared for her return home. Earlier, Arizona had texted that she would catch a ride with Teddy. Her shift had ended twenty minutes ago, so Callie expected her at any moment. They hadn't spoken since the altercation in the hallway with Steve Ott almost seven hours ago, and Callie had no idea how things would be when Arizona walked through the front door.
Arizona had been angry with her, that much Callie knew. Why, she wasn't entirely sure. As horrible as it was for a kid to find out his leg needed to be amputated during a screaming match between his father and his doctors, Steve Ott was responsible for causing that scene. All Callie had done was respond to the sight of someone putting his hands on Arizona. Even if she hadn't recognized the flash of terror in Arizona's eyes for what it was, Callie would have reacted the same way. The knowledge that Steve Ott's actions forced Arizona to relive emotions and sensations from her rape merely sharpened Callie's protective instincts-it didn't create them.
Callie sighed. What a terrible coincidence that something so triggering had happened today, when Arizona was already struggling to proceed as normal after the bombshell of an arrest and the prospect of a trial had been dropped in her lap. No matter how much she tried to hide it, Callie could see Arizona's fear.
The sound of Arizona's keys in the front door prompted Callie to sit up straighter and affect a casual air. She wouldn't spoil for a fight, but they did need to talk. It had been a rough day-for both of them-and Callie yearned to know where Arizona was at mentally. More than that, she wanted Arizona's reassurance that they were okay.
Arizona opened the door, saw her on the couch, and gave a tired nod as she strode across the room. "I'm exhausted, Cal. If you don't mind, I think I'll take a quick bath then just go to bed."
Callie picked up the second glass of wine and stood. "I poured you a glass."
"Oh." Arizona stopped walking and regarded Callie cautiously. "Thanks."
Callie closed the distance between them, holding Arizona's gaze. She made sure to graze Arizona's fingers with her own as she passed over the glass. "Are we going to talk about what happened earlier?"
Arizona broke eye contact and took a sip of the wine. "I was hoping to avoid it, actually." The tight smile she wore made it clear she was only half kidding. "Listen, it was a bad situation. You overreacted and responded out of proportion with the situation, but I know your heart was in the right place. Let's just agree that in the future, I can take care of myself."
"I overreacted?" Callie kept her voice calm, not wanting Arizona to know just how swiftly the mild rebuke raised her defensive hackles. "That man put his hands on you, Arizona. I was trying to protect you."
"You've been doing that a lot lately, Calliope, and I do appreciate it. But you can't always protect me."
"You think I don't realize that?" Tears stung her eyes and she took a quick drink, hoping Arizona wouldn't see how badly the words made her heart ache. "No, I can't always protect you. But I could today, so I did."
"I didn't need protecting."
Callie's throat tightened. "I don't care what you say now, Arizona. He scared you. You…went away for a moment."
"Maybe, but I can cope with moments like that. That's what therapy has done for me. That's why I've been going, right? To learn how to handle life again?" Arizona's body tensed as she clearly struggled not to get upset. "He wasn't the first angry parent I've ever faced. The way you jumped in there-you embarrassed me. Acting like I couldn't handle the situation. Like I'm some weak little thing who needs defending."
Stung, Callie said, "A patient's father physically attacked a doctor right in front of me. It wouldn't have mattered if that doctor had been Cristina, or Bailey, or even Alex Karev. I would have done exactly the same thing for any of them."
"Including yelling at the father about never touching a woman like that?" Arizona pinched the bridge of her nose. It was obvious that she hadn't exaggerated her exhaustion. "Face it, sweetheart. That had everything to do with what happened to me, and it needs to stop. Especially when we're at work."
Callie set her jaw. "I don't think I can make any promises as far as that goes. Someone attacks you, someone even scares you, and I'll put him down. You can be mad about it all you want. That's who I am. I love you. I will defend you."
Blinking, Arizona pressed her knuckles to one eye then the other. "We can continue this conversation while I'm in the tub, if you'd like, but I'm ready for that bath now. I need it."
The vulnerability in Arizona's voice softened Callie immediately. She couldn't lose sight of the fact that Arizona had just endured one hell of a day. As much as she resented being taken to task for standing up for the woman she loved, hanging on to her frustration wasn't good for either of them. The best thing to do was take care of Arizona, in whatever way Arizona would allow.
"Okay," Callie said. "I'll run the water for you. Bubbles?"
Arizona gave her a wan smile. "Please."
Callie led them into the bathroom, setting her wine glass on the edge of the tub as she turned on the water. Adjusting the temperature to somewhere near scalding, just how Arizona liked it best, Callie considered Arizona's words. So maybe Callie was a little overprotective. Was that really so terrible?
Quietly, Callie said, "You know, I didn't pull Steve Ott away from you-or shove him onto the floor-because I thought you couldn't handle yourself. It really had nothing to do with thinking you were helpless." She rose to her feet and turned, immediately averting her eyes from the sight of a gloriously nude Arizona kicking her panties across the floor. "You're just…my girl. And I'm pretty sure you'd do the same for me."
Callie moved away as Arizona crossed to the tub and dipped her hand into the water to check the temperature. Even now, Callie couldn't keep her gaze from roaming the creamy expanse of Arizona's bare skin. As Arizona lowered her body into the steaming water with a contented sighed, Callie picked up her wine and took a large swallow to finish it off.
"You're right." Arizona sipped her own wine, not meeting Callie's eyes. "You're right, I would do the same for you."
Exhaling, Callie perched on the edge of the tub. She sensed a softening in Arizona's tone and decided to take advantage. "I just want to know how you're feeling. Really. Whether you want to admit it or not, a trial is a big deal, and I know you're anxious. So will you please talk to me?"
Arizona's throat convulsed. "You keep asking, and I keep telling you I'm fine." Her eyes brimmed with tears but didn't spill over. "If you're waiting for me to crumble into a million pieces, I'm sorry to disappoint you. I've been there and done that, and an arrest and a trial won't send me back to that place no matter how much everyone expects it to."
"I don't expect this to wipe away all the healing you've done," Callie said carefully. "But I know you well enough to see when you're hurting. You're nervous about testifying-there's no shame in that. I just want to keep being honest with one another. I'm not asking for tears and hysterics. Only communication."
"Well, how do you feel?" Arizona searched Callie's face. "You're the one who treated the guy. Who talked to him. How does all this make you feel?"
Throughout the aftermath of Arizona's rape, Callie had always hesitated to be completely honest about her own emotions. She'd told herself she didn't want to burden Arizona. Didn't want to shift the focus from Arizona onto herself, because it never felt right. But that was no longer an option-not if she insisted that Arizona open up about thoughts and feelings she'd rather keep hidden. The least Arizona deserved was a little quid pro quo.
Clearing her throat, Callie said, "I feel helpless. Like I'm watching the person I love more than anything cope with unimaginable trauma, all on her own, and there's nothing I can do to make things better. I can't undo what happened. I can't take away any of the pain he's caused you. And now I can't even save you from having to tell that story again to a jury, or from having to answer a defense attorney's bullshit questions." She swirled her fingertips across the surface of the hot water, trying not to stare at the shapely curve of Arizona's hip far beneath her hand. "If there was any way I could spare you from having to testify, I would. I'd do anything for you to be able to just put this behind you and never have to think about it again."
"But you can't," Arizona said softly. "Nobody could."
The words, spoken without resentment, stiffened Callie's spine. "I hate that."
"That doesn't mean you haven't made things better." Arizona captured Callie's hand, pulling it beneath the surface of the water and holding it tightly. "And you're wrong-I haven't had to do anything on my own. You've been with me the whole time."
"You know what I mean." Callie lifted her free hand to Arizona's hair, tucking a stray lock behind her ear. "I can't fix this. I like to fix things."
Arizona nodded. "Yeah, I get it." She released Callie's hand and scooted to the front of the bathtub. "Do you want to join me?"
Callie couldn't think of anything she wanted more. "As long as you don't mind."
"Not at all." Arizona drained the rest of the wine from her glass as Callie stood to pull off her clothes. "Sounds like you need this, too."
"I do." Naked, Callie slid into the tub behind Arizona. She spread her legs so Arizona could sit between them, then leaned back against the cool porcelain and exhaled. Arizona relaxed against Callie's chest, and after a brief hesitation, Callie wrapped her in a loose hug.
Humming, Arizona murmured, "This feels nice."
"Wonderful." Callie buried her nose in Arizona's hair and inhaled. The combination of the hot water and Arizona's light floral scent loosened her muscles, instantly draining her body of the tension she had been carrying around for the past few days. All her stress melted away at the joy of holding Arizona in such an intimate embrace. "You're a lot stronger now than you were a few months ago. I know that, and more importantly, you know that. I'm concerned about how you're doing because I love you-not because I think you can't handle whatever comes next. You can handle anything, Arizona. You've proven that already."
Arizona turned her head and pressed her cheek against the slope of Callie's breast. "Maybe I'm afraid I can't handle this. I don't want to go back to being scared every day, barely able to function. I worry that if I focus too much about Colin Thomas being arrested, if I talk about how the idea of a trial makes me feel…well, that all I've accomplished will go out the window. Because I'm scared out of my mind, Calliope. I really am."
Callie tightened her embrace. "I know."
"I don't want to testify."
"I know."
"But I have to. If there's any chance that doing so will keep him from hurting another woman, I need to do my part."
Kissing the side of Arizona's throat, Callie whispered, "I know."
"I'm afraid to see him. Even in a courtroom, with guards and people and everything else. He hurt me so badly. He humiliated me. I don't want to look at his face-I don't want him to see mine."
Callie didn't know what to say. She imagined she might feel the same way, if the roles were reversed. Having seen the man's face already, Callie hated the idea of sharing the same air with him again. "I don't blame you. I wouldn't want to, either."
"And…" Arizona's voice wavered and she paused, sniffling. "And I'm afraid you're going to pull away from me. We've come so far, physically, but we're not there yet. I can't stand the idea that this could set us back."
"I don't want to lose what we have, either." Taking a chance, Callie drew her finger up the length of Arizona's bare arm. She kept the touch light but sensual, and Arizona shivered in response. "I'll fight to protect this, too. I promise."
Arizona turned onto her side, melting into Callie's embrace. She buried her face in Callie's neck and inhaled deeply. "Thank you."
"My motives are not purely unselfish, I assure you."
Callie could feel Arizona's smile against her throat. "Good," Arizona murmured. She traced her fingers over the curve of Callie's hip. "Can I ask you a favor?"
Now it was Callie's turn to shiver. "Anything."
"If I promise not to hide how I'm feeling-you know, when it gets bad-could you just help me keep my mind off the whole thing? A trial won't happen overnight. I won't pretend like this is no big deal, but I can't obsess over it either. I can't talk about it constantly. Not if I want to keep healing." Arizona raised her head and gave Callie a cautious, pleading expression that guaranteed Callie's unthinking agreement. "Okay?"
"Deal." Callie leaned down and kissed the tip of Arizona's nose. "I can't resist that face."
"Excellent." Grinning tiredly, Arizona said, "Let's keep it that way."
"I don't think that'll be a problem. The dimples, those blue, blue eyes…" Callie returned her smile. "They get me every time."
Arizona lifted her head and kissed Callie on the mouth-sweet, simple, with so much love that Callie's whole body trembled. "Can we go to bed now? I'm seriously ready to pass out."
"Sure." Callie released Arizona and helped her stand. She made sure not to look away from Arizona's nakedness this time. Things were different now than they were even a month ago-despite this latest aftershock, Callie still felt comfortable expressing desire, and she wanted Arizona to see it. "Wanna sleep naked?"
The satisfaction in Arizona's eyes at the question made Callie grateful to have asked. "Best idea I've heard all day."
To be continued…
Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Rating: NC-17
Summary: When Arizona is attacked in the parking lot of Seattle Grace, everything changes...and her relationship with Callie is put to the test.
Content Warning
This story deals with the topic of rape and recovery. I am rating it a hard M for graphic depictions of rape, violence, and, eventually, consensual sex.
I would never write about rape frivolously, nor to titillate. There's a lot of fan fiction out there that deals with sexual assault in all manner of ways, many of them distasteful. The last thing I want to do is add to the litany of "rapefic" that traumatizes beloved characters for the sake of creating a juicy story.
At the same time, rape and sexual assault is a reality. As such, I believe it is a legitimate subject for fiction, especially when the focus is not so much on the physical act but on the psychological repercussions, the aftershocks such an event can unleash in a survivor's life.
If the frank depiction of rape and the pain of recovery (physical, emotional, and sexual) is likely to trigger or otherwise upset you, I would honestly give this story a pass. I don't plan on pulling any punches. I do plan on handling this the most respectful way I know how.
So here I am, very sheepishly presenting you all with Chapter 16 long after I'd hoped to get it done. I have excuses-some of them pretty decent. My partner and our five-year-old son understandably craved my presence after so much time spent focusing on finishing the novel. Getting back into this story was more difficult than anticipated. This chapter in particular vexed me. I've literally had it nearly ready for the past week, and couldn't find the time or inspiration to wrap it up.
Until tonight. I've decided I need to just push this one out. I apologize for the delay, and hope you enjoy.
CHAPTER SIXTEEN
When Arizona's cell phone rang a mile into her daily run with Teddy, her already racing heart thundered into overdrive. She skidded to a stop in the center of the park and fished the phone out of her pocket, losing what little breath she had at the sight of Detective Mendoza's number on the display. She had been waiting for this call for days-both dreading the DNA test results and desperately wanting an end to the suspense.
After this phone call, she would know if Colin Thomas was the man who raped her. If he was, that meant her life was about to change-again. There would be a trial, no doubt covered by the local media. Her slow but steady return to normalcy would be put on hold while she dealt with the stress and anxiety of reliving her rape in front of a room full of complete strangers-including the man who hurt her. But a trial also meant he would likely be punished for his crimes, and maybe it would even offer Arizona the possibility of some type of closure.
If the DNA didn't belong to Colin Thomas, that would be difficult in a whole other way. No matter how scary the idea of dealing with the legal system might be, Arizona wanted justice-not only for the girl who Colin Thomas raped five days ago, but also for herself.
Staring at the ringing phone, Arizona braced herself for whatever news Detective Mendoza would deliver. Either way, she had to keep moving forward.
Teddy jogged in place beside her. "Answer it."
Kick-started by Teddy's command, Arizona picked up. "This is Arizona Robbins." Her voice came out breathless and shaky-not how she wanted to carry herself at this moment. Straightening her shoulders, Arizona tried to project more confidence than she felt. "Hello, Detective."
Mendoza hesitated. "Did I catch you at a bad time?"
"No." Arizona met Teddy's eyes, nodding when Teddy encouraged her to keep walking along the path. "Just struggling through my morning run."
"Ah." Mendoza chuckled. "I tried running once. That was all it took."
Arizona managed a smile, but her heart wasn't in it. In the days since Colin Thomas's appearance in the ER, she had tried to imagine how she might react to either of the possible outcomes of the DNA test. Now that the moment of truth was here, she felt poised on the edge of a dark abyss, frightened that no matter what Mendoza told her, she would fall inside.
"So do we know yet?" Arizona didn't see any reason to beat around the bush. They both knew why Mendoza was calling. "Was it him?"
"The DNA test conclusively determined that Colin Thomas is the man who raped you. Yes." Mendoza paused, as though giving her time to digest the news. "We were also able to connect him to an unsolved case from eight months ago. He's going to be charged with three rapes."
"Oh." Arizona's knees wobbled and Teddy immediately grabbed her arm, leading her to a park bench just off the path. She gave Teddy a grateful smile as they sat down then turned her attention back to what Mendoza had just revealed. That Colin Thomas had put two other women through the same trauma he had inflicted on her made Arizona want to burst into tears. She knew exactly how those women felt, and wouldn't wish what happened to them on her worst enemy. "Oh," Arizona murmured again.
"I also want to let you know that we also tested Mr. Thomas for HIV. The results were negative."
Stunned by the wave of relief that swept over her at the revelation, Arizona put a hand on her forehead. The flood of thoughts and emotions triggered by Detective Mendoza's words overwhelmed Arizona, leaving her almost numb. "Thanks for letting me know."
"Are you willing to testify against Mr. Thomas?" Mendoza gentled her voice, obviously aware that this was a delicate subject. "The DNA evidence is critical to our case, but victim testimony is really important to bring a human element into the proceedings. DNA needs context in any situation, and it's better if the prosecution doesn't rely solely on science. Besides, a lab report doesn't carry the same impact as hearing exactly what Colin Thomas did to you, and how your life has been affected because of it."
As much as Arizona dreaded the idea, deep down she knew she had no choice. In her heart she knew that if Colin Thomas weren't locked up, he would continue raping women. She hadn't been able to do anything after her attack to prevent him from hurting his most recent victim, but she could damn well do something now. "Of course I'll testify."
"Thank you." Mendoza sounded relieved. "I know it's difficult. That's a very courageous decision."
"Doesn't feel like much of a choice." Arizona hesitated, unsure how much she should ask about the other victims. But she had to know. "The other two women…they're testifying, right?"
"I'm hoping to convince the girl he attacked last week that she needs to come forward and speak at the trial. Her brother is an eyewitness-he's made it clear he's willing to do whatever it takes to put this guy away. But she's hesitant. This is still so fresh for her. She hasn't even healed yet and already she has to think about telling a jury what happened to her."
Arizona tried to imagine dealing with the idea of trials and courtrooms less than a week after her own attack. She wouldn't have had the strength. Her heart ached for the girl, and she wanted so badly to assure her that things would get better. Not quickly, not easily, but gradually and with no small amount of struggle-life went on.
As easy as it was to sympathize with the girl, Arizona hated the idea that she might be the only one willing to speak out in court. Trying to hide the quaver in her voice, Arizona said, "How about the first victim?"
"Yes, she's agreed to testify. Which is a great thing." Mendoza cleared her throat, lowering her voice. "But quite frankly, I'm very glad that you're willing to tell your story. The jury will be more sympathetic to you. You've got a very strong character that the defense won't be able to throw into question."
A niggle of worry stirred Arizona's gut. She wasn't completely ignorant about how sexual assault victims are often the ones put on trial, but hearing Mendoza verbalize it was jarring. "Why is that? Because I'm a professional or because the defense can't suggest that I have a history of promiscuity with men?"
"Honestly? Both." The quiet disgust in Mendoza's voice made it clear she found the topic just as distasteful as Arizona. "At any rate, you'll be hearing from the prosecutor's office soon. You'll work with them to prepare your testimony for the trial-the date of which should be set in a few weeks. If you have any questions in the meantime, feel free to call me."
She did have one question. "Would it be all right if I asked you to offer my contact information to the other two women involved? Especially the girl who was attacked last week. I don't know if I can really say or do anything to make it better, or possibly convince her to testify, but…I don't know. I feel like I should try to do something."
"I'll offer it."
"Thank you." She had no idea what she hoped to accomplish by talking to the other members of Colin Thomas's sad little club. But they had a bond-a terrible one-and Arizona couldn't help wondering about them. Who were they? Had their attacks been as brutal? Even worse? She was especially curious about his first victim. Eight months later, how was she doing? Arizona leaned against Teddy, grateful for her warm presence at her side. "I appreciate your call."
"No, thank you, Dr. Robbins. Truly."
Despite not feeling that she'd done anything worthy of Mendoza's gratitude, Arizona accepted the words in the spirit they were intended. "Of course. I'll talk to you later?"
"Definitely. Bye for now."
Arizona hung up the phone and slipped it into the pocket of her sweats. Her hand was shaking.
Lacing their fingers, Teddy pulled Arizona's hand onto her lap. "You okay?"
"Not sure." Smiling weakly, Arizona said, "Seems like that's been the case a lot lately."
"They caught the man who hurt you." Teddy gave her a light squeeze, ducking her head to catch Arizona's gaze. "That's very good news."
Arizona nodded. She couldn't deny that. The downside was the whole laundry list of new challenges to overcome. "Sounds like I'm going to be the star victim of unimpeachable character. Detective Mendoza seemed very relieved to hear that I'll testify."
"I'm proud of you, Arizona. I can only imagine how this must feel. I never reported Jay and Steve-I didn't want to deal with what that would mean. At the time it felt like the right decision for me, but I have to admit, as an adult I look back and think about what not seeking justice meant." Teddy looked down, half-smiling but radiating regret. "One or both of them may have gone on to rape another woman. I wouldn't be surprised. Sometimes I wish I could have another chance like you have now. You can help put him away."
"But what if he isn't found guilty?" The idea of reliving her experience in front of everyone-including the man who hurt her-intimidated the hell out of Arizona, but she would do it if it meant he would be punished. There was always a chance he wouldn't. Arizona didn't know how she would live with that. "What if I go through a trial and for some reason they let him go?"
"They won't. There's DNA evidence. He was caught in the last girl's apartment, for God's sake." Teddy shook her head. "No, it'll be about what kind of sentence he's given, not whether he'll be sentenced at all."
"I hope so." Arizona leaned back against the bench and exhaled. "Detective Mendoza isn't sure the girl he attacked last week will testify."
"I heard. This must be a difficult time for her to think about something like that."
"I know," Arizona said. "It's not easy for me to think about it even months later."
"You're going to be fine." Teddy stroked her thumb over the side of Arizona's hand, offering comfort while keeping a respectful distance. It was almost like she knew Arizona needed space. "Callie will be with you. And once it's over, you can move on. Seeing him punished will hopefully give you a sense of closure."
"Hopefully." Even if Colin Thomas went to prison, his actions could never be undone. True closure was probably impossible-he had stolen something Arizona would never get back. He had changed her forever. Which made seeking whatever justice she could even more important. Even if it did scare her to death. Exhaling, Arizona said, "You're right. I can do this-and I'll be fine. I know that. I just…don't like it."
"I don't blame you. I wouldn't like it, either." Teddy patted her carefully on the knee. "Is there anything I can do to help?"
"You already have." Dropping Teddy's hand, Arizona gave her a quick hug. "Thank you."
"Do you want to call Callie?"
Arizona waved off the suggestion. She needed time to gather her emotions before sharing the news with Callie. "I'll talk to her when I get to the hospital. There's no need to interrupt her when she's working."
"Somehow I don't think she'd mind." Teddy searched Arizona's face, doing a poor job of not looking concerned. "Don't pull away from her now. Not after everything you've been through together."
Pulling away was the last thing Arizona wanted to do. But not calling wasn't the same as pulling away. She didn't want to let the arrest and the anticipation of a trial drag her back to an emotional state that she had fought so hard to get past. Though she would continue being open with Callie about how she was feeling, Arizona refused to make special phone calls to do so. It wasn't that big a deal.
"Trust me, we'll talk about this. And talk. Then probably talk some more. We do all kinds of talking these days." Arizona managed a smile. "This isn't an 'I-need-to-talk-to-you-right-this-second' kind of a thing. It'll keep until I see her at work. I promise."
"Okay." Teddy didn't sound convinced, but she was kind enough not to say anything else about it. "You want to skip the rest of our run and go straight to the doughnut shop?"
Arizona's chin trembled but she quickly pushed back her emotion. No way was she going to get all weak and weepy over doughnuts. But they did sound good, and she loved Teddy for offering. "Desperately, yes."
Teddy stood and pulled Arizona to her feet. "I'm buying."
#
Two hours later, Arizona found Callie in the lounge poring over the file of a shared patient, a 12-year-old boy Arizona had recently diagnosed with bone cancer. As much as she hated recommending amputation for a patient so young-especially one who had gone to the Little League World Series only two months ago-unfortunately, that seemed to be the obvious course of treatment for Paul Ott. She had asked Callie to look over his chart as a last-ditch effort to save his leg, and also to get her opinion about state-of-the-art prosthetics.
From the look on Callie's face, Arizona knew the prognosis wasn't good. That made an already difficult day even worse. Paul was a sweet kid who deserved better than the disease-and the angry father-life had given him.
"I don't want bad news." Arizona walked to the round table in the corner of the room and sat across from Callie, plastering on a smile that she fervently wished would actually make her feel better. "Don't give me bad news about Paul Ott's leg, because I absolutely can't do bad news right now. 'I need more time to make a proper assessment', I can handle. 'There's no way to save his leg', I can't."
Callie reached across the table, placing her hand over Arizona's. "I don't need more time. Do you want to know now or do you want to wait?"
Arizona sighed. "We can't save the leg."
"No, we can't. He is an excellent candidate for a highly-functional prosthetic, though. You said he's an athlete-I don't think he'll need to give up baseball." Frowning, Callie searched Arizona's eyes. Instantly the mood shifted from professional to personal. "What's going on?"
It was obvious Callie could see right past Arizona's smile. Sometimes Callie's increasingly perceptive nature delighted Arizona-the thought that someone in the world cared enough to really see her was undeniably intoxicating-but right now, Arizona wished Callie would just let her façade stand. Especially when they were at work.
"Detective Mendoza called during my run." Lying never crossed Arizona's mind. Callie would know she was hiding something, and she didn't let those things pass anymore. Besides, Arizona didn't want to keep Callie in the dark-she just hoped Callie wouldn't make Mendoza's phone call into more than it had to be. "The DNA was a match. Colin Thomas is being charged with three rapes, including my own."
Callie's fingers tightened almost imperceptibly on Arizona's hand. A shadow passed over her face. "Three?"
"The first happened about eight months ago. Unsolved until they matched Colin Thomas's DNA to the evidence collected in that case."
Callie held her gaze. "How are you doing?"
"I'm fine." Shrugging, Arizona looked away. Eye contact was too much to handle, especially with Callie. Those deep brown eyes seemed to peer directly into her soul. "We knew this already, right? That he was the guy."
"Not for sure."
"Well, now we know for sure." Arizona hesitated, gauging Callie's mood. She wasn't trying to hide her stormy emotion, and Arizona wasn't certain she should say any more while they were at the hospital. Only the knowledge that holding back rarely led anywhere good compelled Arizona to keep talking. "Detective Mendoza asked if I would be willing to testify and I said yes. Apparently the first victim has also agreed to appear in court, but Mendoza thinks the jury will be more sympathetic to me. I have no idea what that means. And the girl whose window he jumped out-she's having a hard time. At the moment she won't consider testifying."
"This is a lot, darling." Callie lowered her voice even though they were alone in the lounge. Her eyes scanned Arizona's face, as though waiting for her to dissolve. "It's okay to be frightened. Going through a trial is a scary thing."
Arizona didn't want to feel the instinctive rush of anger Callie's words provoked, but it swept over her before she could steel herself against it. She had just started feeling like less of a basket case, and having Callie expect her to fall apart wasn't exactly the vote of confidence Arizona wanted. Allowing the prospect of a trial to send her back to her darkest days of fear and shame wasn't an option. It didn't matter what Callie thought.
Besides, Callie was the one who seemed scared. Terrified, really.
Desperate to reassure both of them, Arizona said, "I'm not frightened, Calliope. I'm anxious. I just want to get it over with, so we can put it behind us. I want to see Colin Thomas in prison." She flashed Callie a quick grin then put on her all-business face. "And I want to not talk about it anymore right now. When we're at work I want to focus on work things, like Paul's leg."
"Okay." Clearly unconvinced, Callie continued to search Arizona's face. The bald scrutiny only sharpened Arizona's irritation. "I wasn't trying to upset you."
"You didn't." This time Arizona's forced smile felt more like a grimace. "I told you, I'm fine."
"Good." Callie closed Paul's file, tapping the edge on the table as she stood. "We should go talk to the father. The sooner that leg comes off, the better."
Arizona nodded. Given how angrily Paul's father had reacted to his son's diagnosis and treatment thus far, she sensed this would be a difficult conversation. In fact, talking to Steve Ott was the last thing in the world she wanted to do when she was already on edge. But the only way to prove she was okay was to be okay. Arizona had always been good at handling difficult parents. Today was just like any other day-she could do this.
"Just some advance warning," Arizona said lightly as they emerged from the lounge, "Paul's dad is an emotional guy. He's struggling with his son's diagnosis, and has been very concerned about Paul's ability to continue playing baseball. He won't be happy."
"The surgery will save his son's life." Callie raised a dark eyebrow. "Surely that's the most important thing."
"We'll see."
Callie gave her a sidelong glance, which Arizona ignored. The lingering disquiet she could feel emanating from Callie made her skin crawl. It didn't matter that all Callie's concern came from a place of pure love and devotion. Arizona desperately wanted to make it through the rest of her shift without feeling like she was under a microscope, and Callie pointed a giant lens at her with that subtle look.
Determined to stay strong, Arizona marched determinedly to Paul Ott's room and waved to Steve, who sat watching an iPod as his son slept. Steve hurried out of the room to join them in the hallway, darting his gaze from Arizona to Callie and back again. "You don't look like you're about to tell me what I want to hear."
Arizona gave him a sympathetic shake of the head. "Mr. Ott, Dr. Torres has reviewed your son's chart and, unfortunately, we've agreed that the only course of action at this point is to amputate Paul's leg just below the hip. The cancer has spread from the bone to the surrounding blood vessels, so there's just no way to save the limb." She paused, allowing her words to sink in. Paul's face remained uncharacteristically calm, almost as though he wasn't registering what she said. "I'm so sorry. I wish we had more options, but the cancer is just too aggressive."
"No." Steve shook his head, folding his arms over his chest. "I want another opinion."
"I assure you, Dr. Torres is one of the top orthopedic surgeons in the country. Not only that, she is your second opinion. If there was a way to save Paul's leg, she would be the one to do it. I'm sorry, but the prognosis won't change no matter how many surgeons you consult."
"You think I'm going to let you just cut off my kid's leg? When he's made the All-Star Little League team? With the future he has in baseball?" Red-faced, Steve practically yelled the last part at Arizona. "If you think I'm just going to agree to this, you're fucking crazy."
Callie cleared her throat. "Sir, if we don't amputate, your son won't have a future-in anything. The cancer is pervasive and it's progressing fast. You're free to get a second, third, fourth opinion, but meanwhile, your son is in tremendous pain. His life is in danger. Believe me, if there was any way to save the leg, I'd do it in a heartbeat. At this point, we want to save your son's life."
Steve blinked and glanced away, back into the room where his son still slept. Rather than relax at the sight of his dozing boy, he tensed up, obviously close to losing it altogether.
Not wanting to cause a scene where Paul could overhear, Arizona kept her voice low and calm. "This doesn't have to be the end of baseball for Paul. The prosthetics they make today, the technology used, will blow you away. With enough physical therapy, Paul will be running and jumping and fielding grounders just like any other kid."
Steve's face reddened. "But he won't be like the other kids. He'll be a goddamn cripple."
Arizona pushed back her frustration, gentling her tone. "Amputation surgery isn't particularly risky, but it is very difficult psychologically. Paul will need your support-and your optimism-to get him through this. He needs to be reassured that his future will still be bright."
Steve came at Arizona suddenly, clamping a hand around her wrist and pushing her into the wall with such violence that it forced a surprised whimper from her throat. The moment he touched her Arizona slipped into brutal, chaotic memory-the shocking pain of being punched in the face, her utter helplessness in the face of a man's superior strength, the humiliation of being stripped and penetrated against her will. Dimly Arizona heard Steve Ott's growled rage-telling her that she didn't know what his son needed, that if she were a better doctor she wouldn't need to turn kids into cripples-but the words barely registered. Her entire consciousness focused on the terror of what he might do next.
Then Callie wrenched Steve away, demonstrating more brute strength than Arizona would have imagined possible. "What the hell is wrong with you?" Clearly not content with having simply stopped the assault, Callie shoved hard against Steve's shoulders, causing him to lose his balance and fall backward onto his ass. "You never, ever touch a woman like that. Do you understand me? Never."
Sucking in a lungful of air, Arizona straightened and peered over Callie's shoulder into Paul's room. The tow-headed boy sat up in bed, tears streaming from his wide, scared eyes. Arizona had no idea what he had seen-let alone what he'd heard-but the panic on the boy's face snapped her fully into the present. She stepped away from the wall just as a security guard rushed over to help Steve Ott to his feet.
"Sir, let's go take a walk." The guard stared guiltily at Arizona. "You all right, Dr. Robbins?"
Arizona avoided the guard's gaze, mortified by the thought that he had witnessed her flashback. "I'm fine."
"I'm not taking a fucking walk!" Steve yanked his arm out of the guard's grasp, only to have a second guard grab him from behind. "That's my son in there. I'm not leaving you alone with him! You want to cut off his fucking leg."
Arizona winced and looked back into the room. For a moment Paul looked shocked, then he burst into tears. Turning to the guards, Arizona said, "Get him out of here. Now. He can come back when he's calmed down."
Callie touched her shoulder as the guards escorted a still-shouting Steve Ott down the hallway. "Arizona-"
"Not now." Shrugging away from Callie's hand, Arizona said, "I've got a very upset child to comfort."
"But are you-"
"I said I'm fine," Arizona snapped. "Now let me do my damn job."
Callie flinched. Then she took a step backward, putting physical distance between them. "I apologize, Dr. Robbins. I was just doing my job."
"And then some." The sound of Paul Ott's choking sobs forced Arizona's concern away from Callie, away from the hurt in her eyes and the alarm that flashed across her beautiful face. Arizona couldn't care about anything right now beyond the little boy who had just heard some horrific news in the worst way possible. Right after watching his father get dumped onto his ass. "Go. You've done enough."
Callie's jaw tightened. "Bye."
Arizona turned around and didn't look back.
#
Glass of wine in hand, Callie sat on Arizona's couch and prepared for her return home. Earlier, Arizona had texted that she would catch a ride with Teddy. Her shift had ended twenty minutes ago, so Callie expected her at any moment. They hadn't spoken since the altercation in the hallway with Steve Ott almost seven hours ago, and Callie had no idea how things would be when Arizona walked through the front door.
Arizona had been angry with her, that much Callie knew. Why, she wasn't entirely sure. As horrible as it was for a kid to find out his leg needed to be amputated during a screaming match between his father and his doctors, Steve Ott was responsible for causing that scene. All Callie had done was respond to the sight of someone putting his hands on Arizona. Even if she hadn't recognized the flash of terror in Arizona's eyes for what it was, Callie would have reacted the same way. The knowledge that Steve Ott's actions forced Arizona to relive emotions and sensations from her rape merely sharpened Callie's protective instincts-it didn't create them.
Callie sighed. What a terrible coincidence that something so triggering had happened today, when Arizona was already struggling to proceed as normal after the bombshell of an arrest and the prospect of a trial had been dropped in her lap. No matter how much she tried to hide it, Callie could see Arizona's fear.
The sound of Arizona's keys in the front door prompted Callie to sit up straighter and affect a casual air. She wouldn't spoil for a fight, but they did need to talk. It had been a rough day-for both of them-and Callie yearned to know where Arizona was at mentally. More than that, she wanted Arizona's reassurance that they were okay.
Arizona opened the door, saw her on the couch, and gave a tired nod as she strode across the room. "I'm exhausted, Cal. If you don't mind, I think I'll take a quick bath then just go to bed."
Callie picked up the second glass of wine and stood. "I poured you a glass."
"Oh." Arizona stopped walking and regarded Callie cautiously. "Thanks."
Callie closed the distance between them, holding Arizona's gaze. She made sure to graze Arizona's fingers with her own as she passed over the glass. "Are we going to talk about what happened earlier?"
Arizona broke eye contact and took a sip of the wine. "I was hoping to avoid it, actually." The tight smile she wore made it clear she was only half kidding. "Listen, it was a bad situation. You overreacted and responded out of proportion with the situation, but I know your heart was in the right place. Let's just agree that in the future, I can take care of myself."
"I overreacted?" Callie kept her voice calm, not wanting Arizona to know just how swiftly the mild rebuke raised her defensive hackles. "That man put his hands on you, Arizona. I was trying to protect you."
"You've been doing that a lot lately, Calliope, and I do appreciate it. But you can't always protect me."
"You think I don't realize that?" Tears stung her eyes and she took a quick drink, hoping Arizona wouldn't see how badly the words made her heart ache. "No, I can't always protect you. But I could today, so I did."
"I didn't need protecting."
Callie's throat tightened. "I don't care what you say now, Arizona. He scared you. You…went away for a moment."
"Maybe, but I can cope with moments like that. That's what therapy has done for me. That's why I've been going, right? To learn how to handle life again?" Arizona's body tensed as she clearly struggled not to get upset. "He wasn't the first angry parent I've ever faced. The way you jumped in there-you embarrassed me. Acting like I couldn't handle the situation. Like I'm some weak little thing who needs defending."
Stung, Callie said, "A patient's father physically attacked a doctor right in front of me. It wouldn't have mattered if that doctor had been Cristina, or Bailey, or even Alex Karev. I would have done exactly the same thing for any of them."
"Including yelling at the father about never touching a woman like that?" Arizona pinched the bridge of her nose. It was obvious that she hadn't exaggerated her exhaustion. "Face it, sweetheart. That had everything to do with what happened to me, and it needs to stop. Especially when we're at work."
Callie set her jaw. "I don't think I can make any promises as far as that goes. Someone attacks you, someone even scares you, and I'll put him down. You can be mad about it all you want. That's who I am. I love you. I will defend you."
Blinking, Arizona pressed her knuckles to one eye then the other. "We can continue this conversation while I'm in the tub, if you'd like, but I'm ready for that bath now. I need it."
The vulnerability in Arizona's voice softened Callie immediately. She couldn't lose sight of the fact that Arizona had just endured one hell of a day. As much as she resented being taken to task for standing up for the woman she loved, hanging on to her frustration wasn't good for either of them. The best thing to do was take care of Arizona, in whatever way Arizona would allow.
"Okay," Callie said. "I'll run the water for you. Bubbles?"
Arizona gave her a wan smile. "Please."
Callie led them into the bathroom, setting her wine glass on the edge of the tub as she turned on the water. Adjusting the temperature to somewhere near scalding, just how Arizona liked it best, Callie considered Arizona's words. So maybe Callie was a little overprotective. Was that really so terrible?
Quietly, Callie said, "You know, I didn't pull Steve Ott away from you-or shove him onto the floor-because I thought you couldn't handle yourself. It really had nothing to do with thinking you were helpless." She rose to her feet and turned, immediately averting her eyes from the sight of a gloriously nude Arizona kicking her panties across the floor. "You're just…my girl. And I'm pretty sure you'd do the same for me."
Callie moved away as Arizona crossed to the tub and dipped her hand into the water to check the temperature. Even now, Callie couldn't keep her gaze from roaming the creamy expanse of Arizona's bare skin. As Arizona lowered her body into the steaming water with a contented sighed, Callie picked up her wine and took a large swallow to finish it off.
"You're right." Arizona sipped her own wine, not meeting Callie's eyes. "You're right, I would do the same for you."
Exhaling, Callie perched on the edge of the tub. She sensed a softening in Arizona's tone and decided to take advantage. "I just want to know how you're feeling. Really. Whether you want to admit it or not, a trial is a big deal, and I know you're anxious. So will you please talk to me?"
Arizona's throat convulsed. "You keep asking, and I keep telling you I'm fine." Her eyes brimmed with tears but didn't spill over. "If you're waiting for me to crumble into a million pieces, I'm sorry to disappoint you. I've been there and done that, and an arrest and a trial won't send me back to that place no matter how much everyone expects it to."
"I don't expect this to wipe away all the healing you've done," Callie said carefully. "But I know you well enough to see when you're hurting. You're nervous about testifying-there's no shame in that. I just want to keep being honest with one another. I'm not asking for tears and hysterics. Only communication."
"Well, how do you feel?" Arizona searched Callie's face. "You're the one who treated the guy. Who talked to him. How does all this make you feel?"
Throughout the aftermath of Arizona's rape, Callie had always hesitated to be completely honest about her own emotions. She'd told herself she didn't want to burden Arizona. Didn't want to shift the focus from Arizona onto herself, because it never felt right. But that was no longer an option-not if she insisted that Arizona open up about thoughts and feelings she'd rather keep hidden. The least Arizona deserved was a little quid pro quo.
Clearing her throat, Callie said, "I feel helpless. Like I'm watching the person I love more than anything cope with unimaginable trauma, all on her own, and there's nothing I can do to make things better. I can't undo what happened. I can't take away any of the pain he's caused you. And now I can't even save you from having to tell that story again to a jury, or from having to answer a defense attorney's bullshit questions." She swirled her fingertips across the surface of the hot water, trying not to stare at the shapely curve of Arizona's hip far beneath her hand. "If there was any way I could spare you from having to testify, I would. I'd do anything for you to be able to just put this behind you and never have to think about it again."
"But you can't," Arizona said softly. "Nobody could."
The words, spoken without resentment, stiffened Callie's spine. "I hate that."
"That doesn't mean you haven't made things better." Arizona captured Callie's hand, pulling it beneath the surface of the water and holding it tightly. "And you're wrong-I haven't had to do anything on my own. You've been with me the whole time."
"You know what I mean." Callie lifted her free hand to Arizona's hair, tucking a stray lock behind her ear. "I can't fix this. I like to fix things."
Arizona nodded. "Yeah, I get it." She released Callie's hand and scooted to the front of the bathtub. "Do you want to join me?"
Callie couldn't think of anything she wanted more. "As long as you don't mind."
"Not at all." Arizona drained the rest of the wine from her glass as Callie stood to pull off her clothes. "Sounds like you need this, too."
"I do." Naked, Callie slid into the tub behind Arizona. She spread her legs so Arizona could sit between them, then leaned back against the cool porcelain and exhaled. Arizona relaxed against Callie's chest, and after a brief hesitation, Callie wrapped her in a loose hug.
Humming, Arizona murmured, "This feels nice."
"Wonderful." Callie buried her nose in Arizona's hair and inhaled. The combination of the hot water and Arizona's light floral scent loosened her muscles, instantly draining her body of the tension she had been carrying around for the past few days. All her stress melted away at the joy of holding Arizona in such an intimate embrace. "You're a lot stronger now than you were a few months ago. I know that, and more importantly, you know that. I'm concerned about how you're doing because I love you-not because I think you can't handle whatever comes next. You can handle anything, Arizona. You've proven that already."
Arizona turned her head and pressed her cheek against the slope of Callie's breast. "Maybe I'm afraid I can't handle this. I don't want to go back to being scared every day, barely able to function. I worry that if I focus too much about Colin Thomas being arrested, if I talk about how the idea of a trial makes me feel…well, that all I've accomplished will go out the window. Because I'm scared out of my mind, Calliope. I really am."
Callie tightened her embrace. "I know."
"I don't want to testify."
"I know."
"But I have to. If there's any chance that doing so will keep him from hurting another woman, I need to do my part."
Kissing the side of Arizona's throat, Callie whispered, "I know."
"I'm afraid to see him. Even in a courtroom, with guards and people and everything else. He hurt me so badly. He humiliated me. I don't want to look at his face-I don't want him to see mine."
Callie didn't know what to say. She imagined she might feel the same way, if the roles were reversed. Having seen the man's face already, Callie hated the idea of sharing the same air with him again. "I don't blame you. I wouldn't want to, either."
"And…" Arizona's voice wavered and she paused, sniffling. "And I'm afraid you're going to pull away from me. We've come so far, physically, but we're not there yet. I can't stand the idea that this could set us back."
"I don't want to lose what we have, either." Taking a chance, Callie drew her finger up the length of Arizona's bare arm. She kept the touch light but sensual, and Arizona shivered in response. "I'll fight to protect this, too. I promise."
Arizona turned onto her side, melting into Callie's embrace. She buried her face in Callie's neck and inhaled deeply. "Thank you."
"My motives are not purely unselfish, I assure you."
Callie could feel Arizona's smile against her throat. "Good," Arizona murmured. She traced her fingers over the curve of Callie's hip. "Can I ask you a favor?"
Now it was Callie's turn to shiver. "Anything."
"If I promise not to hide how I'm feeling-you know, when it gets bad-could you just help me keep my mind off the whole thing? A trial won't happen overnight. I won't pretend like this is no big deal, but I can't obsess over it either. I can't talk about it constantly. Not if I want to keep healing." Arizona raised her head and gave Callie a cautious, pleading expression that guaranteed Callie's unthinking agreement. "Okay?"
"Deal." Callie leaned down and kissed the tip of Arizona's nose. "I can't resist that face."
"Excellent." Grinning tiredly, Arizona said, "Let's keep it that way."
"I don't think that'll be a problem. The dimples, those blue, blue eyes…" Callie returned her smile. "They get me every time."
Arizona lifted her head and kissed Callie on the mouth-sweet, simple, with so much love that Callie's whole body trembled. "Can we go to bed now? I'm seriously ready to pass out."
"Sure." Callie released Arizona and helped her stand. She made sure not to look away from Arizona's nakedness this time. Things were different now than they were even a month ago-despite this latest aftershock, Callie still felt comfortable expressing desire, and she wanted Arizona to see it. "Wanna sleep naked?"
The satisfaction in Arizona's eyes at the question made Callie grateful to have asked. "Best idea I've heard all day."
To be continued…