Little Earthquakes (Chapter 13)
Title: Little Earthquakes (13/?)
Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Rating: NC-17
Summary: When Arizona is attacked in the parking lot of Seattle Grace, everything changes...and her relationship with Callie is put to the test.
Content Warning
This story deals with the topic of rape and recovery. I am rating it a hard M for graphic depictions of rape, violence, and, eventually, consensual sex.
I would never write about rape frivolously, nor to titillate. There's a lot of fan fiction out there that deals with sexual assault in all manner of ways, many of them distasteful. The last thing I want to do is add to the litany of "rapefic" that traumatizes beloved characters for the sake of creating a juicy story.
At the same time, rape and sexual assault is a reality. As such, I believe it is a legitimate subject for fiction, especially when the focus is not so much on the physical act but on the psychological repercussions, the aftershocks such an event can unleash in a survivor's life.
If the frank depiction of rape and the pain of recovery (physical, emotional, and sexual) is likely to trigger or otherwise upset you, I would honestly give this story a pass. I don't plan on pulling any punches. I do plan on handling this the most respectful way I know how.
Author's Note: I can't make any promises about the speed and frequency of updates over the next month or so. I have a professional deadline bearing down fast and the lion's share of my writing time will be devoted to meeting that. But! I just want everyone to be reassured that I remain very committed to seeing this story through. My goal is to continue providing regular updates, but paying gigs unfortunately come first. :) So now that I've given fair warning...enjoy Chapter Thirteen.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Callie stared uncomfortably across the narrow space between her chair and that of Arizona's new therapist Dr. Watson, who met her gaze with a comforting smile. Arizona was late for their first joint therapy session and Callie was trying not to worry. This morning Arizona had taken her six-week HIV test. If it was negative she planned to retest at three and six months, but it would mean that chances were she hadn't contracted the virus as a result of her rape. Callie really wasn't allowing herself to consider an alternative outcome.
But late Arizona was still cause for concern. Not that there weren't a hundred different reasons she might be running behind. Callie hoped she had just gotten hung up in surgery.
Dr. Watson opened her mouth to speak, but Callie's phone beeped, cutting her off.
"Maybe that's her." Callie dug the phone out of her pocket and checked her text messages. Be there in 10. Start without me. Love you. "Yup. She'll be here in ten minutes."
"That's fine," Dr. Watson said. "We can chat until she arrives."
"Okay." Callie put her phone away. She waited for Dr. Watson to start, unsure what to say.
"Arizona has her HIV test today. Doesn't she?"
Callie sat forward, almost relieved that Dr. Watson had decided to bring it up. All of a sudden her stomach was knotted with anxiety. Arizona's text had been short on meaningful information. It was possible she already knew the results, good or bad. Equally as likely that she was still going through the torture of waiting. "Yes."
"How are you doing with that?"
Callie wasn't sure how to answer-she had far too many emotions to parse into a simple response. The HIV test hadn't weighed on her too heavily over the past few weeks, as she knew transmission wasn't likely and Arizona's emotional wounds had been a more immediate concern. But it had been haunting Arizona. The threat of infection was a dark specter that lurked at the edges of her daily life. She didn't often bring it up but that didn't mean Callie wasn't aware of how it had been wearing Arizona down.
"I'm looking forward to getting past the uncertainty," Callie said. "For Arizona to have some peace of mind."
Dr. Watson held her gaze. "How about you?"
"I'm here no matter what the results are. It wouldn't be a death sentence, necessarily, but it would change her life. Complicate her career." Callie's throat tightened at the thought of Arizona having to endure any more pain. "I guess I want some peace of mind, too."
"That's only natural. I think it's good to focus on the fact that a positive result isn't likely. And to recognize that it also wouldn't be the end of the world."
"Easy for us to say, I suspect." Callie had no idea how Arizona would cope with such a diagnosis. What it would mean for her future as a surgeon. For their future as a couple. "I'm just praying that she doesn't have to deal with what it would mean for her life. He's already caused her enough pain."
"Amen to that." Dr. Watson gave her a gentle smile. "Let's lighten the mood a little. Tell me how you two met."
Like magic, that elicited a genuine grin. This story never failed to put a stupid smile on her face. "Ah, well, I was moping over an ex at the bar after work one night. Arizona followed me into the bathroom and introduced herself. Then she proceeded to tell me that she'd heard our co-workers talking, that she knew things about me, and the talk was good, and when I was over being upset, there would be people lining up for me. I asked her for names and she kissed me. Just like that."
Dr. Watson chuckled. "She's confident."
"Oh, yeah." Callie sobered a little. That easy confidence was something she missed most about Arizona. Though she was slowly regaining it, Callie wondered if she would ever truly be the same again. "She was all confidence. Definitely."
"So did you start dating then?"
"Well, it took a little convincing on my part. I asked her out but when she realized that I'd only been with one woman-briefly-she called me a newborn and said she only dated women with more experience." Callie snickered at the memory. "I managed to convince her I had plenty of life experience, even if I was short on lesbian experience, and luckily she bought it."
"It sounds like you two are very happy."
"We are." Despite everything that happened, all the challenges that had brought them to this place-therapy, together-Callie could say that with total confidence. She and Arizona were happy. "I hope we can stay that way."
There was a knock on the office door. Dr. Watson looked over Callie's shoulder. "Yes?"
The door opened and Arizona poked her head inside. She wore a sheepish grin. "Sorry I'm late."
Callie instinctively scooted over a bit on the couch, making room. She tracked Arizona as she walked into the office, searching her face for some hint of whether she had gotten her results.
"Not a problem," Dr. Watson said. "Callie and I were just talking about how you kissed her in a bar bathroom."
Arizona sat down beside Callie, raising an eyebrow. "You didn't tell her about the newborn thing, did you?"
"I did." Callie snaked an arm around Arizona's middle and pulled her close. "But you were so wrong about me. Weren't you?"
Shooting a self-deprecating grin at Dr. Watson, Arizona said, "I was." Then she met Callie's eyes as though they were the only two people in the room. "So my test was negative."
Callie wrapped her other arm around Arizona, gathering her into a tight hug. "Good." As she drew back, Arizona captured Callie's mouth in a quick kiss. Aware of their audience but too relieved by the news not to crave more than just a split-second brushing of lips, Callie deepened the kiss slightly, cradling Arizona closer again. Then she released her, grinning shyly. "Very good."
"Congratulations," Dr. Watson said. "That must be a relief."
"Statistically there's a chance I could get a different result at three months, but it's not likely." Arizona turned toward Dr. Watson but placed her hand on Callie's thigh, maintaining their connection. "So even knowing I've got two more tests ahead, I feel like a weight's been lifted."
"Now you can shift your focus to other matters." Dr. Watson leaned back in her chair and smiled. "On that note, what did you want to talk about with Callie today, Arizona?"
Arizona nodded, clearly prepared for whatever she was about to say. Callie gave her what she hoped was an encouraging smile. Inside she was nervous-she sensed they were about to start getting into their most intimate issues. This was her first time in couple's therapy and she had no idea how she would feel about working through relationship stuff in front of a stranger.
"Nothing we haven't talked about before." Arizona squeezed Callie's thigh, showing off her dimples. "Just how to continue moving forward with intimacy in a way that doesn't scare either of us."
Callie darted her gaze over to Dr. Watson. No doubt Arizona had already filled her in on their rocky reintroduction to lovemaking. And their subsequent mutually satisfying self-pleasure sessions. "I think slowing down has been a good thing."
"Me too." The calm strength of Arizona's voice drew Callie's attention back to her face. "But I really want to keep moving, even if it's at a slow pace."
"I know you do," Callie said quietly.
"How about you, Callie?" Dr. Watson's tone was friendly and held not a trace of judgment. "What do you want?"
Callie took Arizona's free hand, unable to maintain eye contact. "I want the same thing."
"But?" Dr. Watson said.
Lifting Arizona's fingers, Callie kissed her knuckles. "But I'm worried we'll get carried away. And go too fast."
Arizona gave her a cautious smile. "You don't trust me to control myself?"
Shrugging, Callie said, "It's not that."
"I feel like we've made some progress since that first time," Arizona said. "Like we're a little wiser now. Don't you?"
"Absolutely, yes." That they had been making progress since that disastrous evening almost two weeks ago was undeniable. But Callie had been reluctant to let things escalate beyond masturbating together, making out, and various other activities that didn't involve touching Arizona with her hands. Or getting near Arizona's pussy at all. "There has been definite progress."
"What are you afraid will happen if you two get carried away?" Dr. Watson asked kindly.
"I don't want to trigger a flashback." Callie tightened her hand on Arizona's. "It killed me the last time. It's easy to get swept away in all that desire, and I'm scared I will and it'll happen again."
Arizona looked down, blinking rapidly. "I can't promise I won't have moments of fear. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to promise that."
"I know." Callie wasn't sure what would have to happen before she decided that moving forward was safe. All she knew was that it still felt too soon. "I'm not asking for promises."
"But it feels like you are," Arizona said. "When you say you don't want to be intimate because you don't want to trigger me, it puts this huge weight on my shoulders. Like the future of our sex life is resting on my ability not to let my rape affect me in bed. And that's an impossible task." As though realizing just how much she'd said, Arizona swallowed and offered Callie a tremulous smile. "At least it seems impossible right now."
Callie looked to Dr. Watson for help. "I'm not trying to hold our sex life hostage. I just don't want to feel like the bad guy."
Placing her hand on Callie's cheek, Arizona turned her face until their eyes met. "You're not the bad guy. Ever."
"Callie, you're dealing with very valid concerns. You love Arizona. You want to protect her. You want the things you do with her to bring her pleasure, not pain." Dr. Watson shifted her focus to Arizona. "But Arizona is right. She can't make any guarantees."
"I understand that," Callie said. "I didn't realize that my fear was making her feel that way."
"Part of the trick here is to not allow yourself to anticipate every bad thing that could happen," Dr. Watson said. "Yes, Arizona might get frightened. But if you go into an intimate moment waiting for that to happen, then you're not fully available to her. Try to stay in the present-focus on what's happening between you, not what might happen."
"I just don't want to do anything to set us back." Callie allowed Arizona to tug her closer, smiling sadly when Arizona kissed the crown of her head. She should be the one comforting Arizona, not the other way around. "It's been such a hard road to get to this point. And I can wait for sex. I really can. It's not worth risking everything Arizona has achieved already."
"Recovery means nothing if it doesn't bring me back to who I was," Arizona murmured. "And what I love most. Being with you-experiencing that trust and intimacy with you-is everything to me. It's so important, in so many ways. For you too, I think."
"Do you two have a safe word?" Dr. Watson asked.
"Kind of." Arizona giggled, and when Callie remembered the word they'd chosen during a brief foray into bondage/submission play, she joined in the laughter.
"Unicorn." Callie gestured at Arizona with her thumb. "I'll give you one guess who picked that out."
"So that's one tool at your disposal, if either of you feels like maybe things have gone a little too far." Dr. Watson smiled at Callie. "Maybe there are things you could do that wouldn't feel so threatening, at least at first. Work your way up to making love."
Callie exhaled. "I like baby steps."
"Right. So what feels like too much for you right now? What aren't you ready to do?" Dr. Watson said.
Giving Arizona a sidelong glance, Callie hesitated. She didn't want to hurt Arizona's feelings but wasn't sure how to avoid it.
Arizona nodded in encouragement. "It's okay. Tell me."
"I'm afraid to…use my hand. To touch you." Knowing that Arizona's rapist had fondled her made it difficult for Callie to use her fingers, whether to rub or penetrate. It was something she needed to get over-something they both needed to overcome-but for now Callie just desperately wanted to avoid doing anything that might make Arizona think of him. "It's not that I don't want to. I just…know it wasn't easy for you last time."
"It was strange at first," Arizona said quietly. "But that's not what triggered me. And honestly, when we tried before I hadn't even touched myself yet. Now I have. I'm more comfortable with that kind of contact."
"Well, let's just agree that touching Arizona with your hand is off-limits for now." Dr. Watson tilted her head, studying Callie's face. "Why don't we come up with some ideas for things you two could try that would feel less threatening? But would still represent a step forward?"
"That sounds good to me." Arizona touched Callie's face, forcing her to make eye contact. "I know this isn't about not wanting to touch me, Calliope. I know that. And I really do understand where you're coming from."
A lump rose in Callie's throat. She could see and hear Arizona's need so plainly, but yet she believed that Arizona truly did understand her limits. And wouldn't push them. "I don't want to punish you for reactions you can't control. You've been nothing but honest with me-told me everything-and the least I can do is be as brave as you're being."
Arizona gave her a look that told Callie she had managed to say exactly the right thing. "Okay, then."
"Okay." Callie waggled her eyebrows, hoping to inject a little levity into the moment. "What should we try?"
"Well." Arizona glanced at Dr. Watson, and Callie got the feeling that they had rehearsed this beforehand. Having only met with Dr. Watson twice, Arizona had clearly established some trust with her new therapist. "I really enjoyed going down on you last time. Maybe we could do that again."
Blushing, Callie flicked her gaze to Dr. Watson, whose expression was professionally neutral. She looked back to Arizona. "You want to try oral sex?"
"I definitely want to go down on you again. Soon." Arizona flashed a sympathetic grin when the words made Callie flush harder. "And maybe that's a good place for you to start with touching me again. You don't have to use your hands. Because nothing like that happened…with him…I don't anticipate having a particularly hard time letting you use your mouth on me."
Callie missed Arizona's taste fiercely. The idea of licking her made Callie weak in the knees, and she nodded despite her instinctive hesitation. "I'd like that. Soon."
Dr. Watson cleared her throat, pulling their attention back to her. "In the meantime, I have some homework for you two."
Callie wrinkled her nose. Homework. Great.
Arizona clapped excitedly. "I love homework."
"Teacher's pet," Callie mumbled under her breath, fondly.
Dr. Watson laughed. "This assignment is about getting comfortable touching one another again. Sharing your bodies. It will involve using your hands. But it isn't meant to end in sex."
Nervous about what Dr. Watson had in mind, Callie tightened her fingers on Arizona's. Arizona wrapped an arm around Callie, holding her close.
"Okay," Arizona said.
Callie swallowed. "All right."
"The next time you have an evening together, set aside an hour or so to trade massages. Take off your clothes, put on some music if that makes you feel more comfortable, and just spend some time touching each other in a way that isn't overtly sexual." Dr. Watson checked Callie's reaction. "No genital contact. Just creating a safe space where you can be intimate again."
"I'd like that." Arizona searched Callie's face. "I'm happy to start there. How about you?"
It sounded less intimidating than oral sex. Callie nodded eagerly. "Starting there is good."
"Now just because it's not sexual doesn't mean it won't be intense," Dr. Watson said. "Use your safe word, if necessary. Talk to each other. Communicate. And try not to be afraid of those inevitable moments of uncertainty." She directed this at both of them, but Callie knew it was mostly said for her benefit. "It's perfectly natural to struggle to settle back into things that used to be easy, after something like this. If it happens, just be there for each other. The important part is that you're a loving, committed couple who are both determined to work through this together. Right?"
"Right," Callie said. That part was never in doubt.
"You would never hurt one another on purpose. You trust Callie's intentions, don't you, Arizona?"
"Absolutely."
Callie could hear the undercurrent of meaning behind Arizona's softly spoken words. Arizona trusted her-in and out of the bedroom. "And I trust yours," Callie told Arizona. "This will be good. Our homework."
"I think so, too." Arizona wiggled with enthusiasm. "Yay!"
Even despite her lingering case of nerves, Callie had to smile. There was nothing quite like seeing Arizona happy. "Yay."
"Excellent," Dr. Watson said. "You can tell me how it went next time we meet."
"We'll do that." The way Arizona gazed at Callie made her feel positively adored. And suddenly just a little excited about their homework as well.
#
Three nights later they managed to get home at nine o'clock at night, and from the look Arizona gave her as they walked through the door, Callie guessed that homework was on her mind. Last night Arizona had been completely exhausted after a ten-hour emergency surgery, but even then Callie had sensed her wistful desire in the way she struggled to keep her eyes open long enough to talk about their day for ten minutes before finally crashing.
Tonight Arizona looked awake. And carefree in a way she hadn't in a long time. There was an achingly joyful bounce in her step, no doubt helped along by the life-saving surgery she had just performed on a ten-month-old infant. And the lifting of the possible life sentence she had been fearing for the past month and a half.
This glimpse of Arizona's natural perkiness stirred a gnawing hunger in Callie's belly. Homework was probably a good idea. She wanted to be close to Arizona tonight, to prove she was ready to move forward. One step at a time.
Callie pointed toward the kitchen. "How about I pour us some wine?"
"That sounds lovely." Arizona's eyes sparkled in that way that always made Callie's stomach flutter. "Meet you on the couch?"
"I'll be there."
Pulling a bottle of white wine from the fridge, Callie uncorked it and poured them each just enough to feel loose, but not to impair their judgment. She took a sip of hers then topped it off again. Since their therapy session Callie had been reminding herself that the most important thing was to help Arizona heal. That meant Callie needed to be her partner in every way, emotionally and sexually. If Arizona was brave enough to start rebuilding their intimacy, there was no excuse for Callie not to exercise a little of her own courage. They were wiser now, and even if Arizona did get uncomfortable, at least there were no secrets between them anymore.
When Callie came back into the living room, Arizona greeted her with a happy wave. "I've been waiting for this part all day. The relaxing with Calliope part."
"Me too." Callie sat and passed Arizona her glass of wine. "Congratulations on your surgery. Teddy said you were amazing."
Arizona rolled her eyes, but Callie could see the pride behind her modesty. "It was a good surgery. We had a few moments there in the middle that almost made me sweat, but I was really on point today. Today has been super." She took a sip of her wine, smiling. "Yeah."
"For me, too. Got to start building some cartilage today. For a patient. It's going to be an incredible surgery." Callie couldn't wait. Being challenged professionally was just as satisfying as good sex. Her two favorite things.
Bouncing excitedly, Arizona said, "When will you do it? Can I watch?"
Callie grinned. There was nothing like being with someone who understood what this work could make you feel. "Monday. And I'd love to see your smiling face in the gallery."
"It's a date," Arizona said. "Barring any emergencies, of course."
"Of course." Callie sipped her wine then set down her glass and grabbed Arizona's bare feet, pulling them into her lap. She stroked the top of one foot, thrilled when Arizona tipped back her head and groaned.
"I really do love you." Arizona lifted her head just enough to catch Callie's gaze, giving her a lazy smile. "That feels so amazing."
"That's because I'm not only a kick-ass orthopedic surgeon, but unusually skilled with my hands."
"Very true." Arizona's hips lifted slightly, signaling her arousal. "I have to agree with that assessment one hundred percent."
It was painful to know that this easy flirting could only lead them into complicated territory. Not for the first time, Callie missed the spontaneity and ease of their old sex life. But on the other hand, she knew Arizona on a much deeper level than she did before the rape. There were no barriers between them except the fears they continued to conquer. If there was any silver lining to all this it was that-their communication had never been better, and the love Callie felt now was more intense than she could have ever imagined possible.
"Should we move this to the bedroom?" Callie asked quietly. Before her invitation could be misinterpreted, she clarified, "Take a study break?"
Arizona lit up. "And here I thought I was going to have to talk you into that."
Callie let the full force of her attraction show on her face. "Not a chance."
Swallowing, Arizona said, "Well, I'd love to tackle our homework. I'm so glad you want to do it, too."
"Being close to you is never a bad thing, darling."
Arizona rose from the couch, reaching to Callie with her free hand. "Let's go, then."
Callie let Arizona lead her into the bedroom. They each set their wine glass on their respective nightstands, then turned to gaze at one another across the space of the bed.
"So. Trading massages," Arizona said softly, failing to suppress a shy smile. "Naked massages."
Callie nodded bravely. "But it's not meant to end in sex."
Arizona's gaze softened into a look of warm sympathy. "No sex. Just touching."
"Okay." Tugging her shirt over her head, Callie grinned at how Arizona's eyes tracked her every movement. "I love the way you stare at me."
"I'm not staring," Arizona protested weakly. She tore her attention away from Callie's breasts to ease her own shirt over her head, tossing it onto the ground. "And it's not like I can help it. You're pure sex."
Callie couldn't help flaunting her movements as she lowered her panties over her hips. Solid when so many other girls were slender, Callie had always had a complicated relationship with her body. But Arizona made her feel perfect. The way she drank in the sight of Callie's bare skin, silent and reverential, every time Callie undressed warmed her from the inside out.
The sight of Arizona's body always left Callie wondering how she could have been clueless about her attraction to women for so long. Arizona's smooth pale skin, her supple curves, the pink of her nipples and the luscious sway of her hips, took Callie's breath away every time. And, frankly, made the thought of no sex next to impossible.
"You're gorgeous," Callie murmured. "Every time I see you is like the first time. There's this moment of shock that I'm with someone who looks like that."
Arizona blushed, but Callie could see that her words were very welcome. "What a coincidence. I was just thinking something very similar."
Callie gestured at the bed. "Who wants the first massage?" She wanted Arizona to set the rules of engagement and hoped she understood.
"How about you go first?" Naked, Arizona knelt on the foot of the mattress. "Lie down."
Crawling to the middle of the bed, Callie rested on her stomach. She folded her arms under her head, turning her face to the side so she could glance back at Arizona. Callie watched stormy emotion pass over Arizona's face as she gazed over the length of Callie's prone body.
"Everything all right?" From the way Arizona startled at the sound of her voice, Callie knew her mind had gone somewhere else.
"It just occurred to me that it might be difficult for me to get into that position again."
For a moment Callie wasn't sure what she meant. Then it hit her. "You mean on your stomach?"
Arizona nodded, biting her lip.
"Well, you don't have to," Callie said, rolling onto her side so she could reach down and grab Arizona's foot. She was glad Arizona had shared this realization. By bringing it up at least Callie was aware that it was a potential trigger. "There are plenty of ways to massage you."
"Do you mind being on your stomach?"
Shaking her head, Callie rolled back into position. She rested her face on her arms again with a relaxed sigh. She didn't want to make a big deal of this issue. The best thing she could do was stay calm and follow Arizona's lead. "I'm fine. There's lotion in my nightstand."
Arizona leaned over her, bare breasts brushing against Callie's back, and dug around in the drawer briefly before retreating. Callie exhaled shakily as her warmth disappeared, missing her, only to suck in a startled breath when Arizona's hands began rubbing lotion into the tense muscles of her shoulders.
"Damn, baby." Digging in, Arizona stroked her firmly and Callie melted into her touch. "I think you needed this."
"Definitely needed this," Callie mumbled into her pillow. Her eyelids drooped in pleasure at the soothing rhythm of Arizona's hands. Then Arizona straddled her hips, pressing her warm center against Callie's ass, and Callie's eyes shot open in surprise.
"Is this okay?" Arizona said, rocking her hips gently against Callie's bottom. "It's easier to get at these knots you have from this position."
Callie was suddenly so turned on it took all her willpower not to dry hump the mattress. "That's perfect."
Arizona worked in silence for some time, methodically stroking from the top of Callie's back down her spine, then lower until her thumbs kneaded the top of her buttocks. Scooting down so she sat on Callie's calves, Arizona lingered at the base of Callie's spine for a long time.
Realizing that Arizona might be awaiting permission, Callie said, "Touch me wherever you want. It all feels good."
With that Arizona eased lower, kneading and caressing a cheek with each hand. Callie concentrated on her breathing, and on holding back the wanton groan that threatened to tear loose from her throat. She could hear Arizona struggling just as hard to keep her reactions in check.
Making her way down Callie's legs, Arizona finished with a foot massage that left Callie unable to suppress a moan of pure delight. When her hands left Callie's body, Callie frowned, unbearably cold in their absence.
"Turn over." Arizona's throaty voice sent a shiver through Callie's body. "Now your front."
Callie obeyed. Immediately Arizona dragged her gaze up the length of Callie's body, making her nipples tighten painfully in response.
Arizona's tongue poked out and wetted her lips. "I like your front."
"Part of the whole wanting a girl with big boobs thing, right?"
"Exactly." Moving her freshly-lotioned hands to rest on Callie's shoulders, Arizona touched her lightly, slowly making her way down to trace the slope of Callie's breasts with her fingertips. "May I touch them?"
"Yes." Callie arched her back as Arizona's hands slid lower, filling her palms with the tender mounds of flesh. It felt so good to be touched that way. Her skin was so highly sensitized, nipples aching beneath Arizona's palms.
"No sex," Arizona whispered, as though reminding herself.
Callie nodded in agreement, at a loss for words. Arizona's touch was so incredible she yearned to close her eyes and block out everything except the sensation of her gentle worship, but that would mean not staring into Arizona's face. The love and trust in Arizona's eyes were the best part of the whole experience and Callie didn't want to miss that for anything.
Finally Arizona moved lower, brushing her hands across the curve of Callie's belly. Her mouth quirked into a smile as she traced the shape of Callie's navel with her fingertip. "I should probably stop here. Or else I might get into trouble."
Exhaling, Callie knew that was probably a wise decision. "Your turn, then?"
"My turn." Arizona moved to Callie's side, allowing her to sit up.
Callie could see Arizona's indecision as she tried to decide what to do next. "Do you want to start on your front?"
Arizona blushed. "No, that's okay."
"You can just sit up and I'll sit behind you." Callie put a hand on Arizona's shoulder, nudging gently. "Go ahead and turn around."
"No." Taking a deep breath, Arizona set her face in a familiar expression of stubborn determination. "No, I want you to rub my back. And I want to lie down for it." She took another breath, shakier this time. "Can you just lie next to me for a minute? Let me see how I feel before we start?"
"Of course." Callie lay on her side, planting an elbow to prop up her head. "Take your time."
Cautiously, Arizona lowered herself onto the mattress. She rolled onto her stomach, folding her arms beneath her pillow and resting her cheek against it. Facing Callie, she swallowed convulsively, panic flashing in her eyes.
"Don't let yourself go back there," Callie said softly. She didn't touch Arizona, just moved in until their faces were inches apart. "You're safe now. You're with me. And nobody is going to do anything you don't want. I promise."
Blinking, Arizona whispered, "I know."
"Tell me when you're ready for me to touch you. If you want to try something else, tell me that too. This is supposed to make you feel good. That's all I want to do-make you feel so good."
Arizona closed her eyes briefly then opened them. "Use your hand to touch my back. Just a little at first."
Without shifting position, Callie squirted a dab of lotion into her palm then carefully placed it on the center of Arizona's back. She rubbed slow circles, watching Arizona's face for any sign of discomfort. All she saw was contented pleasure. "Do you like that?" Callie murmured, for the sake of communication.
"Oh yeah." Arizona squirmed a little under her touch. "Try both hands now."
Callie sat cross-legged beside Arizona, twisting her upper body so she could cover the expanse of Arizona's slender back with both her hands. Splaying out her fingers, she kept the contact feather-soft and scanned Arizona's face and body for a reaction. Arizona exhaled, gaze locked on Callie's face.
"This feels wonderful." Arizona's shoulders relaxed visibly. "I can't remember the last time you touched me like this."
Neither could Callie. She increased the pressure of her hands, digging her thumbs gently into Arizona's back and eliciting a sound of pleasure that made Callie shiver. "I've missed it."
"So have I." Arizona's hips wiggled ever so slightly as she settled into the bed. "You can go lower. I'm okay."
Callie allowed her hands to drift lower without changing position. She didn't think it was a good idea to straddle Arizona and make her feel pinned down in any way. She hoped Arizona agreed and wouldn't ask to push that particular limit. "The female form really puts the male one to shame," Callie said as she traced the curve of Arizona's hips with her fingertips. "Not sure I ever realized just how badly until the first time I saw you naked."
"You make me happy, Calliope." And indeed, Callie could hear the smile in her voice.
"Good. I like doing that." Reluctant to head farther south yet, Callie smoothed her hands up Arizona's sides, barely caressing the swell of her breasts. Arizona went still and Callie immediately pulled away. "I'm sorry," Callie said hastily. "I wasn't thinking."
When Arizona had shared her story the other night, Callie had listened both as her partner and as a woman who couldn't imagine suffering through that kind of violation. The thought of being trapped face-down while having her breasts pawed had particularly horrified Callie, the image so degrading that she couldn't believe she hadn't remembered her visceral reaction to it before touching Arizona that way. Knowing she had just done the wrong thing at the wrong time, Callie waited for the fallout.
Arizona's nostrils flared as she exhaled slowly. "I'm fine now. Promise."
"You want me to keep going?" Callie took a deep breath. Freaking out about that small lapse would only make things worse. If Arizona didn't want her to stop, she wouldn't. "Tell me what to do."
Nodding, Arizona murmured, "Just move somewhere different. Lower."
Callie squirted more lotion into her hands, rubbing them together to warm her skin before placing her palms just above Arizona's firm ass. Hesitant, she very cautiously slid down until she had a buttock cupped in each hand. This was definitely one of the boldest caresses she had given Arizona since the rape. The feeling of Arizona's soft flesh both inflamed her lust and stirred nervous anxiety deep in Callie's stomach.
Arizona groaned. "That's good."
So Callie kept going, rubbing and squeezing the tense muscles, tracing Arizona's feminine shape with her fingertips. As Arizona relaxed her thighs eased apart. Callie struggled to ignore the occasional glimpse of slick pink labia, then the heady scent of Arizona's obvious arousal. But inside she was thrilled by the knowledge that Arizona was turned on. Though it meant Callie had to work harder not to connect this massage with sex, it was also a clear indication that Arizona was no longer uncomfortable with her prostrate position.
After spending a few minutes pulling contented whimpers from Arizona's throat, Callie moved down to her calves. She made sure to hit every muscle group, wrapping up with a more thorough foot massage than she'd been able to deliver on the couch. Once finished, she sat back and glanced at Arizona's face for some sign that she wanted to keep going.
"Do you mind doing my front now?"
Callie's heart pounded with nervous exhilaration. "That would be great."
As Arizona turned over, revealing rock-hard nipples and her trimmed thatch of pubic hair, Callie gave herself a silent pep talk. So far, even with a couple potential triggering moments, this had been going well. Arizona seemed just as cautious as Callie about not pushing too hard. But the purpose of this exercise was to regain comfort with each other's bodies. Callie wondered if Arizona would want her to touch her breasts. She hadn't since the rape.
"Where should I start?" Callie rubbed another dollop of lotion between her palms.
Arizona grabbed her wrists and positioned Callie's hands on her shoulders. Callie stroked her thumbs over Arizona's muscles, smiling down into the blue eyes she loved so much. Matching her smile, Arizona suddenly dragged Callie's hands down until they covered her breasts. Callie froze, searching Arizona's face for even a hint of anxiety.
"Touch them," Arizona said. She removed her hands, leaving Callie on her own. Turgid nipples poked into the center of Callie's palms, no doubt achingly sensitive, and Callie very carefully ran her fingertips up then down the slopes of Arizona's breasts.
"Like this?" Callie slid both thumbs around the bottom curve of Arizona's breasts, letting them touch in the center of her chest. "You'll remember to say unicorn if you want me to stop, right?"
Arizona laughed, easing Callie's concern. "I'll remember. I've missed having your hands on me, Calliope. You have no idea how much."
Callie smoothed her hands over Arizona's breasts, keeping her touch as non-sexual as possible. But at the same time not shying away from the desire she felt for her partner. "We'll have to do this more often, then."
Grinning brightly, Arizona said, "Yes, please."
Not wanting to linger too long on an obviously erogenous zone, Callie soon brought her hands lower to trace the slight curve of Arizona's stomach. Her eyes strayed between Arizona's legs, admiring an unrestricted view of her pussy.
"Maybe next time you can kiss me there," Arizona murmured throatily. She ran a hand between her legs, giggling when Callie's jaw tensed in response.
Callie flicked her gaze up to meet Arizona's. "Maybe." She sat back on her heels, agreeing with Arizona's earlier assessment of a safe stopping point. "That's probably good for now."
Arizona flashed her a dimpled grin. "Smart woman."
"So I've been told." Callie eased onto her side next to Arizona, wholly comfortable with the idea of staying naked for a while. Maybe even all night, if Arizona was up for it. "What do you want to bet we're going to get an A on that homework?"
"A-plus," Arizona said. "This was a good way to spend an evening."
"Agreed." Callie sighed contentedly.
"It's better that sex was off the table, I think." Arizona traced her thumb over Callie's bottom lip. "Made it easier to relax and just let things happen."
"I think so, too."
"And it was good…getting myself in that position again, and feeling so in control of what was going on. To know nothing bad was going to happen if I gave myself over to you." Eyes shining, Arizona narrowed the distance between them and kissed the spot where her thumb had just been. "It was empowering to make myself vulnerable, to enjoy your hands, and not be afraid of what was coming next."
"You'll always be safe with me, darling. It's my job to protect you." Callie kissed Arizona again, sweeping her tongue into Arizona's mouth-enough to make her desire known, but not to initiate anything more. "And I'm happy to massage you anytime. Just ask."
"I'll remember that." Biting her lip, Arizona hesitated a moment then rolled onto her side so she was facing away from Callie. Scooting backward, Arizona pressed her bottom into Callie's crotch. Then she reached back and captured Callie's wrist, tugging her arm around Arizona's middle and encouraging Callie to spoon her tightly.
This was the first time they had tried this position since the night of Arizona's rape. It was hard to believe it had been that long, but Callie knew it was true if only because holding Arizona this way felt so foreign now. After that first bad reaction Arizona hadn't seemed to want to try again, perhaps simply not wanting to do something she knew might cause discomfort as they worked to rebuild trust. Whatever the reason, Callie held her breath and waited to see how Arizona would react to the familiar embrace now.
Arizona sniffled, and then her shoulders began to quake. Before Callie could draw away, Arizona gripped her arm tightly as though preventing her from doing anything rash. "These are happy tears," Arizona whispered. "Don't you dare move."
Trusting the muted joy she heard in Arizona's voice, Callie splayed her fingers over Arizona's bare tummy and cradled her close. "I'm not going anywhere."
To be continued…
Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Rating: NC-17
Summary: When Arizona is attacked in the parking lot of Seattle Grace, everything changes...and her relationship with Callie is put to the test.
Content Warning
This story deals with the topic of rape and recovery. I am rating it a hard M for graphic depictions of rape, violence, and, eventually, consensual sex.
I would never write about rape frivolously, nor to titillate. There's a lot of fan fiction out there that deals with sexual assault in all manner of ways, many of them distasteful. The last thing I want to do is add to the litany of "rapefic" that traumatizes beloved characters for the sake of creating a juicy story.
At the same time, rape and sexual assault is a reality. As such, I believe it is a legitimate subject for fiction, especially when the focus is not so much on the physical act but on the psychological repercussions, the aftershocks such an event can unleash in a survivor's life.
If the frank depiction of rape and the pain of recovery (physical, emotional, and sexual) is likely to trigger or otherwise upset you, I would honestly give this story a pass. I don't plan on pulling any punches. I do plan on handling this the most respectful way I know how.
Author's Note: I can't make any promises about the speed and frequency of updates over the next month or so. I have a professional deadline bearing down fast and the lion's share of my writing time will be devoted to meeting that. But! I just want everyone to be reassured that I remain very committed to seeing this story through. My goal is to continue providing regular updates, but paying gigs unfortunately come first. :) So now that I've given fair warning...enjoy Chapter Thirteen.
CHAPTER THIRTEEN
Callie stared uncomfortably across the narrow space between her chair and that of Arizona's new therapist Dr. Watson, who met her gaze with a comforting smile. Arizona was late for their first joint therapy session and Callie was trying not to worry. This morning Arizona had taken her six-week HIV test. If it was negative she planned to retest at three and six months, but it would mean that chances were she hadn't contracted the virus as a result of her rape. Callie really wasn't allowing herself to consider an alternative outcome.
But late Arizona was still cause for concern. Not that there weren't a hundred different reasons she might be running behind. Callie hoped she had just gotten hung up in surgery.
Dr. Watson opened her mouth to speak, but Callie's phone beeped, cutting her off.
"Maybe that's her." Callie dug the phone out of her pocket and checked her text messages. Be there in 10. Start without me. Love you. "Yup. She'll be here in ten minutes."
"That's fine," Dr. Watson said. "We can chat until she arrives."
"Okay." Callie put her phone away. She waited for Dr. Watson to start, unsure what to say.
"Arizona has her HIV test today. Doesn't she?"
Callie sat forward, almost relieved that Dr. Watson had decided to bring it up. All of a sudden her stomach was knotted with anxiety. Arizona's text had been short on meaningful information. It was possible she already knew the results, good or bad. Equally as likely that she was still going through the torture of waiting. "Yes."
"How are you doing with that?"
Callie wasn't sure how to answer-she had far too many emotions to parse into a simple response. The HIV test hadn't weighed on her too heavily over the past few weeks, as she knew transmission wasn't likely and Arizona's emotional wounds had been a more immediate concern. But it had been haunting Arizona. The threat of infection was a dark specter that lurked at the edges of her daily life. She didn't often bring it up but that didn't mean Callie wasn't aware of how it had been wearing Arizona down.
"I'm looking forward to getting past the uncertainty," Callie said. "For Arizona to have some peace of mind."
Dr. Watson held her gaze. "How about you?"
"I'm here no matter what the results are. It wouldn't be a death sentence, necessarily, but it would change her life. Complicate her career." Callie's throat tightened at the thought of Arizona having to endure any more pain. "I guess I want some peace of mind, too."
"That's only natural. I think it's good to focus on the fact that a positive result isn't likely. And to recognize that it also wouldn't be the end of the world."
"Easy for us to say, I suspect." Callie had no idea how Arizona would cope with such a diagnosis. What it would mean for her future as a surgeon. For their future as a couple. "I'm just praying that she doesn't have to deal with what it would mean for her life. He's already caused her enough pain."
"Amen to that." Dr. Watson gave her a gentle smile. "Let's lighten the mood a little. Tell me how you two met."
Like magic, that elicited a genuine grin. This story never failed to put a stupid smile on her face. "Ah, well, I was moping over an ex at the bar after work one night. Arizona followed me into the bathroom and introduced herself. Then she proceeded to tell me that she'd heard our co-workers talking, that she knew things about me, and the talk was good, and when I was over being upset, there would be people lining up for me. I asked her for names and she kissed me. Just like that."
Dr. Watson chuckled. "She's confident."
"Oh, yeah." Callie sobered a little. That easy confidence was something she missed most about Arizona. Though she was slowly regaining it, Callie wondered if she would ever truly be the same again. "She was all confidence. Definitely."
"So did you start dating then?"
"Well, it took a little convincing on my part. I asked her out but when she realized that I'd only been with one woman-briefly-she called me a newborn and said she only dated women with more experience." Callie snickered at the memory. "I managed to convince her I had plenty of life experience, even if I was short on lesbian experience, and luckily she bought it."
"It sounds like you two are very happy."
"We are." Despite everything that happened, all the challenges that had brought them to this place-therapy, together-Callie could say that with total confidence. She and Arizona were happy. "I hope we can stay that way."
There was a knock on the office door. Dr. Watson looked over Callie's shoulder. "Yes?"
The door opened and Arizona poked her head inside. She wore a sheepish grin. "Sorry I'm late."
Callie instinctively scooted over a bit on the couch, making room. She tracked Arizona as she walked into the office, searching her face for some hint of whether she had gotten her results.
"Not a problem," Dr. Watson said. "Callie and I were just talking about how you kissed her in a bar bathroom."
Arizona sat down beside Callie, raising an eyebrow. "You didn't tell her about the newborn thing, did you?"
"I did." Callie snaked an arm around Arizona's middle and pulled her close. "But you were so wrong about me. Weren't you?"
Shooting a self-deprecating grin at Dr. Watson, Arizona said, "I was." Then she met Callie's eyes as though they were the only two people in the room. "So my test was negative."
Callie wrapped her other arm around Arizona, gathering her into a tight hug. "Good." As she drew back, Arizona captured Callie's mouth in a quick kiss. Aware of their audience but too relieved by the news not to crave more than just a split-second brushing of lips, Callie deepened the kiss slightly, cradling Arizona closer again. Then she released her, grinning shyly. "Very good."
"Congratulations," Dr. Watson said. "That must be a relief."
"Statistically there's a chance I could get a different result at three months, but it's not likely." Arizona turned toward Dr. Watson but placed her hand on Callie's thigh, maintaining their connection. "So even knowing I've got two more tests ahead, I feel like a weight's been lifted."
"Now you can shift your focus to other matters." Dr. Watson leaned back in her chair and smiled. "On that note, what did you want to talk about with Callie today, Arizona?"
Arizona nodded, clearly prepared for whatever she was about to say. Callie gave her what she hoped was an encouraging smile. Inside she was nervous-she sensed they were about to start getting into their most intimate issues. This was her first time in couple's therapy and she had no idea how she would feel about working through relationship stuff in front of a stranger.
"Nothing we haven't talked about before." Arizona squeezed Callie's thigh, showing off her dimples. "Just how to continue moving forward with intimacy in a way that doesn't scare either of us."
Callie darted her gaze over to Dr. Watson. No doubt Arizona had already filled her in on their rocky reintroduction to lovemaking. And their subsequent mutually satisfying self-pleasure sessions. "I think slowing down has been a good thing."
"Me too." The calm strength of Arizona's voice drew Callie's attention back to her face. "But I really want to keep moving, even if it's at a slow pace."
"I know you do," Callie said quietly.
"How about you, Callie?" Dr. Watson's tone was friendly and held not a trace of judgment. "What do you want?"
Callie took Arizona's free hand, unable to maintain eye contact. "I want the same thing."
"But?" Dr. Watson said.
Lifting Arizona's fingers, Callie kissed her knuckles. "But I'm worried we'll get carried away. And go too fast."
Arizona gave her a cautious smile. "You don't trust me to control myself?"
Shrugging, Callie said, "It's not that."
"I feel like we've made some progress since that first time," Arizona said. "Like we're a little wiser now. Don't you?"
"Absolutely, yes." That they had been making progress since that disastrous evening almost two weeks ago was undeniable. But Callie had been reluctant to let things escalate beyond masturbating together, making out, and various other activities that didn't involve touching Arizona with her hands. Or getting near Arizona's pussy at all. "There has been definite progress."
"What are you afraid will happen if you two get carried away?" Dr. Watson asked kindly.
"I don't want to trigger a flashback." Callie tightened her hand on Arizona's. "It killed me the last time. It's easy to get swept away in all that desire, and I'm scared I will and it'll happen again."
Arizona looked down, blinking rapidly. "I can't promise I won't have moments of fear. I'm not sure I'll ever be able to promise that."
"I know." Callie wasn't sure what would have to happen before she decided that moving forward was safe. All she knew was that it still felt too soon. "I'm not asking for promises."
"But it feels like you are," Arizona said. "When you say you don't want to be intimate because you don't want to trigger me, it puts this huge weight on my shoulders. Like the future of our sex life is resting on my ability not to let my rape affect me in bed. And that's an impossible task." As though realizing just how much she'd said, Arizona swallowed and offered Callie a tremulous smile. "At least it seems impossible right now."
Callie looked to Dr. Watson for help. "I'm not trying to hold our sex life hostage. I just don't want to feel like the bad guy."
Placing her hand on Callie's cheek, Arizona turned her face until their eyes met. "You're not the bad guy. Ever."
"Callie, you're dealing with very valid concerns. You love Arizona. You want to protect her. You want the things you do with her to bring her pleasure, not pain." Dr. Watson shifted her focus to Arizona. "But Arizona is right. She can't make any guarantees."
"I understand that," Callie said. "I didn't realize that my fear was making her feel that way."
"Part of the trick here is to not allow yourself to anticipate every bad thing that could happen," Dr. Watson said. "Yes, Arizona might get frightened. But if you go into an intimate moment waiting for that to happen, then you're not fully available to her. Try to stay in the present-focus on what's happening between you, not what might happen."
"I just don't want to do anything to set us back." Callie allowed Arizona to tug her closer, smiling sadly when Arizona kissed the crown of her head. She should be the one comforting Arizona, not the other way around. "It's been such a hard road to get to this point. And I can wait for sex. I really can. It's not worth risking everything Arizona has achieved already."
"Recovery means nothing if it doesn't bring me back to who I was," Arizona murmured. "And what I love most. Being with you-experiencing that trust and intimacy with you-is everything to me. It's so important, in so many ways. For you too, I think."
"Do you two have a safe word?" Dr. Watson asked.
"Kind of." Arizona giggled, and when Callie remembered the word they'd chosen during a brief foray into bondage/submission play, she joined in the laughter.
"Unicorn." Callie gestured at Arizona with her thumb. "I'll give you one guess who picked that out."
"So that's one tool at your disposal, if either of you feels like maybe things have gone a little too far." Dr. Watson smiled at Callie. "Maybe there are things you could do that wouldn't feel so threatening, at least at first. Work your way up to making love."
Callie exhaled. "I like baby steps."
"Right. So what feels like too much for you right now? What aren't you ready to do?" Dr. Watson said.
Giving Arizona a sidelong glance, Callie hesitated. She didn't want to hurt Arizona's feelings but wasn't sure how to avoid it.
Arizona nodded in encouragement. "It's okay. Tell me."
"I'm afraid to…use my hand. To touch you." Knowing that Arizona's rapist had fondled her made it difficult for Callie to use her fingers, whether to rub or penetrate. It was something she needed to get over-something they both needed to overcome-but for now Callie just desperately wanted to avoid doing anything that might make Arizona think of him. "It's not that I don't want to. I just…know it wasn't easy for you last time."
"It was strange at first," Arizona said quietly. "But that's not what triggered me. And honestly, when we tried before I hadn't even touched myself yet. Now I have. I'm more comfortable with that kind of contact."
"Well, let's just agree that touching Arizona with your hand is off-limits for now." Dr. Watson tilted her head, studying Callie's face. "Why don't we come up with some ideas for things you two could try that would feel less threatening? But would still represent a step forward?"
"That sounds good to me." Arizona touched Callie's face, forcing her to make eye contact. "I know this isn't about not wanting to touch me, Calliope. I know that. And I really do understand where you're coming from."
A lump rose in Callie's throat. She could see and hear Arizona's need so plainly, but yet she believed that Arizona truly did understand her limits. And wouldn't push them. "I don't want to punish you for reactions you can't control. You've been nothing but honest with me-told me everything-and the least I can do is be as brave as you're being."
Arizona gave her a look that told Callie she had managed to say exactly the right thing. "Okay, then."
"Okay." Callie waggled her eyebrows, hoping to inject a little levity into the moment. "What should we try?"
"Well." Arizona glanced at Dr. Watson, and Callie got the feeling that they had rehearsed this beforehand. Having only met with Dr. Watson twice, Arizona had clearly established some trust with her new therapist. "I really enjoyed going down on you last time. Maybe we could do that again."
Blushing, Callie flicked her gaze to Dr. Watson, whose expression was professionally neutral. She looked back to Arizona. "You want to try oral sex?"
"I definitely want to go down on you again. Soon." Arizona flashed a sympathetic grin when the words made Callie flush harder. "And maybe that's a good place for you to start with touching me again. You don't have to use your hands. Because nothing like that happened…with him…I don't anticipate having a particularly hard time letting you use your mouth on me."
Callie missed Arizona's taste fiercely. The idea of licking her made Callie weak in the knees, and she nodded despite her instinctive hesitation. "I'd like that. Soon."
Dr. Watson cleared her throat, pulling their attention back to her. "In the meantime, I have some homework for you two."
Callie wrinkled her nose. Homework. Great.
Arizona clapped excitedly. "I love homework."
"Teacher's pet," Callie mumbled under her breath, fondly.
Dr. Watson laughed. "This assignment is about getting comfortable touching one another again. Sharing your bodies. It will involve using your hands. But it isn't meant to end in sex."
Nervous about what Dr. Watson had in mind, Callie tightened her fingers on Arizona's. Arizona wrapped an arm around Callie, holding her close.
"Okay," Arizona said.
Callie swallowed. "All right."
"The next time you have an evening together, set aside an hour or so to trade massages. Take off your clothes, put on some music if that makes you feel more comfortable, and just spend some time touching each other in a way that isn't overtly sexual." Dr. Watson checked Callie's reaction. "No genital contact. Just creating a safe space where you can be intimate again."
"I'd like that." Arizona searched Callie's face. "I'm happy to start there. How about you?"
It sounded less intimidating than oral sex. Callie nodded eagerly. "Starting there is good."
"Now just because it's not sexual doesn't mean it won't be intense," Dr. Watson said. "Use your safe word, if necessary. Talk to each other. Communicate. And try not to be afraid of those inevitable moments of uncertainty." She directed this at both of them, but Callie knew it was mostly said for her benefit. "It's perfectly natural to struggle to settle back into things that used to be easy, after something like this. If it happens, just be there for each other. The important part is that you're a loving, committed couple who are both determined to work through this together. Right?"
"Right," Callie said. That part was never in doubt.
"You would never hurt one another on purpose. You trust Callie's intentions, don't you, Arizona?"
"Absolutely."
Callie could hear the undercurrent of meaning behind Arizona's softly spoken words. Arizona trusted her-in and out of the bedroom. "And I trust yours," Callie told Arizona. "This will be good. Our homework."
"I think so, too." Arizona wiggled with enthusiasm. "Yay!"
Even despite her lingering case of nerves, Callie had to smile. There was nothing quite like seeing Arizona happy. "Yay."
"Excellent," Dr. Watson said. "You can tell me how it went next time we meet."
"We'll do that." The way Arizona gazed at Callie made her feel positively adored. And suddenly just a little excited about their homework as well.
#
Three nights later they managed to get home at nine o'clock at night, and from the look Arizona gave her as they walked through the door, Callie guessed that homework was on her mind. Last night Arizona had been completely exhausted after a ten-hour emergency surgery, but even then Callie had sensed her wistful desire in the way she struggled to keep her eyes open long enough to talk about their day for ten minutes before finally crashing.
Tonight Arizona looked awake. And carefree in a way she hadn't in a long time. There was an achingly joyful bounce in her step, no doubt helped along by the life-saving surgery she had just performed on a ten-month-old infant. And the lifting of the possible life sentence she had been fearing for the past month and a half.
This glimpse of Arizona's natural perkiness stirred a gnawing hunger in Callie's belly. Homework was probably a good idea. She wanted to be close to Arizona tonight, to prove she was ready to move forward. One step at a time.
Callie pointed toward the kitchen. "How about I pour us some wine?"
"That sounds lovely." Arizona's eyes sparkled in that way that always made Callie's stomach flutter. "Meet you on the couch?"
"I'll be there."
Pulling a bottle of white wine from the fridge, Callie uncorked it and poured them each just enough to feel loose, but not to impair their judgment. She took a sip of hers then topped it off again. Since their therapy session Callie had been reminding herself that the most important thing was to help Arizona heal. That meant Callie needed to be her partner in every way, emotionally and sexually. If Arizona was brave enough to start rebuilding their intimacy, there was no excuse for Callie not to exercise a little of her own courage. They were wiser now, and even if Arizona did get uncomfortable, at least there were no secrets between them anymore.
When Callie came back into the living room, Arizona greeted her with a happy wave. "I've been waiting for this part all day. The relaxing with Calliope part."
"Me too." Callie sat and passed Arizona her glass of wine. "Congratulations on your surgery. Teddy said you were amazing."
Arizona rolled her eyes, but Callie could see the pride behind her modesty. "It was a good surgery. We had a few moments there in the middle that almost made me sweat, but I was really on point today. Today has been super." She took a sip of her wine, smiling. "Yeah."
"For me, too. Got to start building some cartilage today. For a patient. It's going to be an incredible surgery." Callie couldn't wait. Being challenged professionally was just as satisfying as good sex. Her two favorite things.
Bouncing excitedly, Arizona said, "When will you do it? Can I watch?"
Callie grinned. There was nothing like being with someone who understood what this work could make you feel. "Monday. And I'd love to see your smiling face in the gallery."
"It's a date," Arizona said. "Barring any emergencies, of course."
"Of course." Callie sipped her wine then set down her glass and grabbed Arizona's bare feet, pulling them into her lap. She stroked the top of one foot, thrilled when Arizona tipped back her head and groaned.
"I really do love you." Arizona lifted her head just enough to catch Callie's gaze, giving her a lazy smile. "That feels so amazing."
"That's because I'm not only a kick-ass orthopedic surgeon, but unusually skilled with my hands."
"Very true." Arizona's hips lifted slightly, signaling her arousal. "I have to agree with that assessment one hundred percent."
It was painful to know that this easy flirting could only lead them into complicated territory. Not for the first time, Callie missed the spontaneity and ease of their old sex life. But on the other hand, she knew Arizona on a much deeper level than she did before the rape. There were no barriers between them except the fears they continued to conquer. If there was any silver lining to all this it was that-their communication had never been better, and the love Callie felt now was more intense than she could have ever imagined possible.
"Should we move this to the bedroom?" Callie asked quietly. Before her invitation could be misinterpreted, she clarified, "Take a study break?"
Arizona lit up. "And here I thought I was going to have to talk you into that."
Callie let the full force of her attraction show on her face. "Not a chance."
Swallowing, Arizona said, "Well, I'd love to tackle our homework. I'm so glad you want to do it, too."
"Being close to you is never a bad thing, darling."
Arizona rose from the couch, reaching to Callie with her free hand. "Let's go, then."
Callie let Arizona lead her into the bedroom. They each set their wine glass on their respective nightstands, then turned to gaze at one another across the space of the bed.
"So. Trading massages," Arizona said softly, failing to suppress a shy smile. "Naked massages."
Callie nodded bravely. "But it's not meant to end in sex."
Arizona's gaze softened into a look of warm sympathy. "No sex. Just touching."
"Okay." Tugging her shirt over her head, Callie grinned at how Arizona's eyes tracked her every movement. "I love the way you stare at me."
"I'm not staring," Arizona protested weakly. She tore her attention away from Callie's breasts to ease her own shirt over her head, tossing it onto the ground. "And it's not like I can help it. You're pure sex."
Callie couldn't help flaunting her movements as she lowered her panties over her hips. Solid when so many other girls were slender, Callie had always had a complicated relationship with her body. But Arizona made her feel perfect. The way she drank in the sight of Callie's bare skin, silent and reverential, every time Callie undressed warmed her from the inside out.
The sight of Arizona's body always left Callie wondering how she could have been clueless about her attraction to women for so long. Arizona's smooth pale skin, her supple curves, the pink of her nipples and the luscious sway of her hips, took Callie's breath away every time. And, frankly, made the thought of no sex next to impossible.
"You're gorgeous," Callie murmured. "Every time I see you is like the first time. There's this moment of shock that I'm with someone who looks like that."
Arizona blushed, but Callie could see that her words were very welcome. "What a coincidence. I was just thinking something very similar."
Callie gestured at the bed. "Who wants the first massage?" She wanted Arizona to set the rules of engagement and hoped she understood.
"How about you go first?" Naked, Arizona knelt on the foot of the mattress. "Lie down."
Crawling to the middle of the bed, Callie rested on her stomach. She folded her arms under her head, turning her face to the side so she could glance back at Arizona. Callie watched stormy emotion pass over Arizona's face as she gazed over the length of Callie's prone body.
"Everything all right?" From the way Arizona startled at the sound of her voice, Callie knew her mind had gone somewhere else.
"It just occurred to me that it might be difficult for me to get into that position again."
For a moment Callie wasn't sure what she meant. Then it hit her. "You mean on your stomach?"
Arizona nodded, biting her lip.
"Well, you don't have to," Callie said, rolling onto her side so she could reach down and grab Arizona's foot. She was glad Arizona had shared this realization. By bringing it up at least Callie was aware that it was a potential trigger. "There are plenty of ways to massage you."
"Do you mind being on your stomach?"
Shaking her head, Callie rolled back into position. She rested her face on her arms again with a relaxed sigh. She didn't want to make a big deal of this issue. The best thing she could do was stay calm and follow Arizona's lead. "I'm fine. There's lotion in my nightstand."
Arizona leaned over her, bare breasts brushing against Callie's back, and dug around in the drawer briefly before retreating. Callie exhaled shakily as her warmth disappeared, missing her, only to suck in a startled breath when Arizona's hands began rubbing lotion into the tense muscles of her shoulders.
"Damn, baby." Digging in, Arizona stroked her firmly and Callie melted into her touch. "I think you needed this."
"Definitely needed this," Callie mumbled into her pillow. Her eyelids drooped in pleasure at the soothing rhythm of Arizona's hands. Then Arizona straddled her hips, pressing her warm center against Callie's ass, and Callie's eyes shot open in surprise.
"Is this okay?" Arizona said, rocking her hips gently against Callie's bottom. "It's easier to get at these knots you have from this position."
Callie was suddenly so turned on it took all her willpower not to dry hump the mattress. "That's perfect."
Arizona worked in silence for some time, methodically stroking from the top of Callie's back down her spine, then lower until her thumbs kneaded the top of her buttocks. Scooting down so she sat on Callie's calves, Arizona lingered at the base of Callie's spine for a long time.
Realizing that Arizona might be awaiting permission, Callie said, "Touch me wherever you want. It all feels good."
With that Arizona eased lower, kneading and caressing a cheek with each hand. Callie concentrated on her breathing, and on holding back the wanton groan that threatened to tear loose from her throat. She could hear Arizona struggling just as hard to keep her reactions in check.
Making her way down Callie's legs, Arizona finished with a foot massage that left Callie unable to suppress a moan of pure delight. When her hands left Callie's body, Callie frowned, unbearably cold in their absence.
"Turn over." Arizona's throaty voice sent a shiver through Callie's body. "Now your front."
Callie obeyed. Immediately Arizona dragged her gaze up the length of Callie's body, making her nipples tighten painfully in response.
Arizona's tongue poked out and wetted her lips. "I like your front."
"Part of the whole wanting a girl with big boobs thing, right?"
"Exactly." Moving her freshly-lotioned hands to rest on Callie's shoulders, Arizona touched her lightly, slowly making her way down to trace the slope of Callie's breasts with her fingertips. "May I touch them?"
"Yes." Callie arched her back as Arizona's hands slid lower, filling her palms with the tender mounds of flesh. It felt so good to be touched that way. Her skin was so highly sensitized, nipples aching beneath Arizona's palms.
"No sex," Arizona whispered, as though reminding herself.
Callie nodded in agreement, at a loss for words. Arizona's touch was so incredible she yearned to close her eyes and block out everything except the sensation of her gentle worship, but that would mean not staring into Arizona's face. The love and trust in Arizona's eyes were the best part of the whole experience and Callie didn't want to miss that for anything.
Finally Arizona moved lower, brushing her hands across the curve of Callie's belly. Her mouth quirked into a smile as she traced the shape of Callie's navel with her fingertip. "I should probably stop here. Or else I might get into trouble."
Exhaling, Callie knew that was probably a wise decision. "Your turn, then?"
"My turn." Arizona moved to Callie's side, allowing her to sit up.
Callie could see Arizona's indecision as she tried to decide what to do next. "Do you want to start on your front?"
Arizona blushed. "No, that's okay."
"You can just sit up and I'll sit behind you." Callie put a hand on Arizona's shoulder, nudging gently. "Go ahead and turn around."
"No." Taking a deep breath, Arizona set her face in a familiar expression of stubborn determination. "No, I want you to rub my back. And I want to lie down for it." She took another breath, shakier this time. "Can you just lie next to me for a minute? Let me see how I feel before we start?"
"Of course." Callie lay on her side, planting an elbow to prop up her head. "Take your time."
Cautiously, Arizona lowered herself onto the mattress. She rolled onto her stomach, folding her arms beneath her pillow and resting her cheek against it. Facing Callie, she swallowed convulsively, panic flashing in her eyes.
"Don't let yourself go back there," Callie said softly. She didn't touch Arizona, just moved in until their faces were inches apart. "You're safe now. You're with me. And nobody is going to do anything you don't want. I promise."
Blinking, Arizona whispered, "I know."
"Tell me when you're ready for me to touch you. If you want to try something else, tell me that too. This is supposed to make you feel good. That's all I want to do-make you feel so good."
Arizona closed her eyes briefly then opened them. "Use your hand to touch my back. Just a little at first."
Without shifting position, Callie squirted a dab of lotion into her palm then carefully placed it on the center of Arizona's back. She rubbed slow circles, watching Arizona's face for any sign of discomfort. All she saw was contented pleasure. "Do you like that?" Callie murmured, for the sake of communication.
"Oh yeah." Arizona squirmed a little under her touch. "Try both hands now."
Callie sat cross-legged beside Arizona, twisting her upper body so she could cover the expanse of Arizona's slender back with both her hands. Splaying out her fingers, she kept the contact feather-soft and scanned Arizona's face and body for a reaction. Arizona exhaled, gaze locked on Callie's face.
"This feels wonderful." Arizona's shoulders relaxed visibly. "I can't remember the last time you touched me like this."
Neither could Callie. She increased the pressure of her hands, digging her thumbs gently into Arizona's back and eliciting a sound of pleasure that made Callie shiver. "I've missed it."
"So have I." Arizona's hips wiggled ever so slightly as she settled into the bed. "You can go lower. I'm okay."
Callie allowed her hands to drift lower without changing position. She didn't think it was a good idea to straddle Arizona and make her feel pinned down in any way. She hoped Arizona agreed and wouldn't ask to push that particular limit. "The female form really puts the male one to shame," Callie said as she traced the curve of Arizona's hips with her fingertips. "Not sure I ever realized just how badly until the first time I saw you naked."
"You make me happy, Calliope." And indeed, Callie could hear the smile in her voice.
"Good. I like doing that." Reluctant to head farther south yet, Callie smoothed her hands up Arizona's sides, barely caressing the swell of her breasts. Arizona went still and Callie immediately pulled away. "I'm sorry," Callie said hastily. "I wasn't thinking."
When Arizona had shared her story the other night, Callie had listened both as her partner and as a woman who couldn't imagine suffering through that kind of violation. The thought of being trapped face-down while having her breasts pawed had particularly horrified Callie, the image so degrading that she couldn't believe she hadn't remembered her visceral reaction to it before touching Arizona that way. Knowing she had just done the wrong thing at the wrong time, Callie waited for the fallout.
Arizona's nostrils flared as she exhaled slowly. "I'm fine now. Promise."
"You want me to keep going?" Callie took a deep breath. Freaking out about that small lapse would only make things worse. If Arizona didn't want her to stop, she wouldn't. "Tell me what to do."
Nodding, Arizona murmured, "Just move somewhere different. Lower."
Callie squirted more lotion into her hands, rubbing them together to warm her skin before placing her palms just above Arizona's firm ass. Hesitant, she very cautiously slid down until she had a buttock cupped in each hand. This was definitely one of the boldest caresses she had given Arizona since the rape. The feeling of Arizona's soft flesh both inflamed her lust and stirred nervous anxiety deep in Callie's stomach.
Arizona groaned. "That's good."
So Callie kept going, rubbing and squeezing the tense muscles, tracing Arizona's feminine shape with her fingertips. As Arizona relaxed her thighs eased apart. Callie struggled to ignore the occasional glimpse of slick pink labia, then the heady scent of Arizona's obvious arousal. But inside she was thrilled by the knowledge that Arizona was turned on. Though it meant Callie had to work harder not to connect this massage with sex, it was also a clear indication that Arizona was no longer uncomfortable with her prostrate position.
After spending a few minutes pulling contented whimpers from Arizona's throat, Callie moved down to her calves. She made sure to hit every muscle group, wrapping up with a more thorough foot massage than she'd been able to deliver on the couch. Once finished, she sat back and glanced at Arizona's face for some sign that she wanted to keep going.
"Do you mind doing my front now?"
Callie's heart pounded with nervous exhilaration. "That would be great."
As Arizona turned over, revealing rock-hard nipples and her trimmed thatch of pubic hair, Callie gave herself a silent pep talk. So far, even with a couple potential triggering moments, this had been going well. Arizona seemed just as cautious as Callie about not pushing too hard. But the purpose of this exercise was to regain comfort with each other's bodies. Callie wondered if Arizona would want her to touch her breasts. She hadn't since the rape.
"Where should I start?" Callie rubbed another dollop of lotion between her palms.
Arizona grabbed her wrists and positioned Callie's hands on her shoulders. Callie stroked her thumbs over Arizona's muscles, smiling down into the blue eyes she loved so much. Matching her smile, Arizona suddenly dragged Callie's hands down until they covered her breasts. Callie froze, searching Arizona's face for even a hint of anxiety.
"Touch them," Arizona said. She removed her hands, leaving Callie on her own. Turgid nipples poked into the center of Callie's palms, no doubt achingly sensitive, and Callie very carefully ran her fingertips up then down the slopes of Arizona's breasts.
"Like this?" Callie slid both thumbs around the bottom curve of Arizona's breasts, letting them touch in the center of her chest. "You'll remember to say unicorn if you want me to stop, right?"
Arizona laughed, easing Callie's concern. "I'll remember. I've missed having your hands on me, Calliope. You have no idea how much."
Callie smoothed her hands over Arizona's breasts, keeping her touch as non-sexual as possible. But at the same time not shying away from the desire she felt for her partner. "We'll have to do this more often, then."
Grinning brightly, Arizona said, "Yes, please."
Not wanting to linger too long on an obviously erogenous zone, Callie soon brought her hands lower to trace the slight curve of Arizona's stomach. Her eyes strayed between Arizona's legs, admiring an unrestricted view of her pussy.
"Maybe next time you can kiss me there," Arizona murmured throatily. She ran a hand between her legs, giggling when Callie's jaw tensed in response.
Callie flicked her gaze up to meet Arizona's. "Maybe." She sat back on her heels, agreeing with Arizona's earlier assessment of a safe stopping point. "That's probably good for now."
Arizona flashed her a dimpled grin. "Smart woman."
"So I've been told." Callie eased onto her side next to Arizona, wholly comfortable with the idea of staying naked for a while. Maybe even all night, if Arizona was up for it. "What do you want to bet we're going to get an A on that homework?"
"A-plus," Arizona said. "This was a good way to spend an evening."
"Agreed." Callie sighed contentedly.
"It's better that sex was off the table, I think." Arizona traced her thumb over Callie's bottom lip. "Made it easier to relax and just let things happen."
"I think so, too."
"And it was good…getting myself in that position again, and feeling so in control of what was going on. To know nothing bad was going to happen if I gave myself over to you." Eyes shining, Arizona narrowed the distance between them and kissed the spot where her thumb had just been. "It was empowering to make myself vulnerable, to enjoy your hands, and not be afraid of what was coming next."
"You'll always be safe with me, darling. It's my job to protect you." Callie kissed Arizona again, sweeping her tongue into Arizona's mouth-enough to make her desire known, but not to initiate anything more. "And I'm happy to massage you anytime. Just ask."
"I'll remember that." Biting her lip, Arizona hesitated a moment then rolled onto her side so she was facing away from Callie. Scooting backward, Arizona pressed her bottom into Callie's crotch. Then she reached back and captured Callie's wrist, tugging her arm around Arizona's middle and encouraging Callie to spoon her tightly.
This was the first time they had tried this position since the night of Arizona's rape. It was hard to believe it had been that long, but Callie knew it was true if only because holding Arizona this way felt so foreign now. After that first bad reaction Arizona hadn't seemed to want to try again, perhaps simply not wanting to do something she knew might cause discomfort as they worked to rebuild trust. Whatever the reason, Callie held her breath and waited to see how Arizona would react to the familiar embrace now.
Arizona sniffled, and then her shoulders began to quake. Before Callie could draw away, Arizona gripped her arm tightly as though preventing her from doing anything rash. "These are happy tears," Arizona whispered. "Don't you dare move."
Trusting the muted joy she heard in Arizona's voice, Callie splayed her fingers over Arizona's bare tummy and cradled her close. "I'm not going anywhere."
To be continued…