Little Earthquakes (Chapter 12)
Title: Little Earthquakes (12/?)
Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Rating: NC-17
Summary: When Arizona is attacked in the parking lot of Seattle Grace, everything changes...and her relationship with Callie is put to the test.
Content Warning
This story deals with the topic of rape and recovery. I am rating it a hard M for graphic depictions of rape, violence, and, eventually, consensual sex.
I would never write about rape frivolously, nor to titillate. There's a lot of fan fiction out there that deals with sexual assault in all manner of ways, many of them distasteful. The last thing I want to do is add to the litany of "rapefic" that traumatizes beloved characters for the sake of creating a juicy story.
At the same time, rape and sexual assault is a reality. As such, I believe it is a legitimate subject for fiction, especially when the focus is not so much on the physical act but on the psychological repercussions, the aftershocks such an event can unleash in a survivor's life.
If the frank depiction of rape and the pain of recovery (physical, emotional, and sexual) is likely to trigger or otherwise upset you, I would honestly give this story a pass. I don't plan on pulling any punches. I do plan on handling this the most respectful way I know how.
After taking so long to post Chapter 11, I managed to get Chapter 12 ready in record time. :)
CHAPTER TWELVE
Arizona's cell phone rang as she unlocked her apartment door. She dug the phone out of her purse and stepped inside, leaving Callie to close the door behind them. All day she had been looking forward to spending this evening alone with Callie-hopefully talking about all that had happened between them over the past two days-and the last thing she wanted was to deal with the outside world. Checking her phone's display, Arizona groaned. Especially that part of the outside world.
"Who is it?" Callie touched Arizona's arm but made no attempt to peer over her shoulder. "Everything okay?"
"It's my father." Frozen with indecision, Arizona stared at the tiny picture of her Dad that flashed on-screen. She hadn't spoken to her parents since the rape. Her only effort at communication had been a quick email a week ago to reassure them that she was still alive after her father left an inquiring message on her voice mail. Usually they spoke at least every couple weeks, depending on Arizona's work schedule. But she hadn't mustered the courage for a phone call yet, uncertain how to sound normal when her entire life was in upheaval.
"Are you going to answer?" Callie said just as the phone stopped ringing.
The concern in Callie's voice made Arizona feel even guiltier about letting the call go to voice mail. Still, the idea of talking to her father made her stomach twist with unease. "I don't know what to say to him."
"You could start with 'hello'." Callie gave her a sympathetic smile. "He's your dad, honey. I'm sure he misses you."
"But tonight is our night," Arizona said plaintively. "We really need to talk about us. I can just call my dad back tomorrow."
"How about I make dinner while you call him now? I don't know about you, but I definitely need to eat before we do any serious talking."
Arizona frowned. She hated to admit it to Callie, but she simply wanted to avoid the inevitable. At some point she would have to talk to her folks again, but why did it have to be tonight? "I don't want to tell them what happened."
"Then don't." Callie cradled Arizona's face in her hands and kissed her tenderly. "It's your business who you tell. But your parents love you, darling, and if you keep avoiding them, they'll worry."
Callie was right, of course. And if her parents got worried enough, they might figure out that there was more to Arizona's sudden isolation than a busy work schedule. Sighing, Arizona said, "Okay. I'll call him back."
"I'm not trying to force you into anything." Callie rubbed her thumbs over Arizona's cheeks then retreated. "I just think you'll feel better once you talk to him."
Doubtful, Arizona thought, but she didn't say it out loud. "You haven't spoken to your father lately, either."
"That's because he and my mother are vacationing on a remote island with limited access to the outside world," Callie said. "Once he comes back to the land of cell phones, you better believe he'll be calling. And I'll be answering."
"Only because he'll show up at the hospital if you don't."
"True." Callie smiled. "But also because he's mi padre."
Nodding, Arizona gazed at the phone in her hand with a mixture of trepidation and longing. She missed talking to her father-her mother too, for that matter. But as close as she was with her parents, Arizona had never been the type to share the intimate details of her life with them. Conversation usually stayed at a relatively surface level. Not that she was dishonest with them-she just kept the really personal stuff to herself.
Being raped was as personal as it got.
"Hey, it'll be okay." Callie spoke so softly, so perceptively, that Arizona's eyes immediately filled with tears. "Your father loves you no matter what."
Arizona nodded because she knew it was true. But she also knew that her father had raised her to be a certain kind of person-someone stronger than she felt right now. Would he sense her weakness? What would he think if he knew? "I just don't want to disappoint him."
"This is something that happened to you. It isn't your fault." Callie ducked her head to capture Arizona's gaze. "And I have a feeling he would be proud of how you've handled yourself." At Arizona's self-derisive snort, Callie said, "I know the last couple days have been bumpy, but I'm still prouder of you than I can say. He would be, too."
Wiping away the tears that spilled over at Callie's words, Arizona gestured at her bedroom door. "I need some privacy if I'm going to do this."
"Go ahead." Callie kissed Arizona on the forehead as she passed on her way to the kitchen. "Dinner should be ready in about a half hour."
"Okay." Arizona waited until Callie had nearly reached the kitchen door before calling after her, "Thanks, Calliope."
Callie flashed a smile that turned Arizona's knees to jelly. "I love you."
"I know you do." Arizona waited until Callie disappeared into the kitchen before dialing her father's number. She went in the bedroom and shut the door, keeping her breathing even until she heard him answer. In the moment before he spoke, her chest tightened in anticipation.
"Hey, kiddo." Her father sounded thrilled that she'd called back, making her instantly glad she had. "Long time, no chat."
"Hi, Dad." Aware that she sounded just as nervous as she felt, Arizona willed herself to calm down. "Yeah, I'm sorry. Life, you know. Gets in the way."
"Things busy at work?"
"Always." Arizona sat on the edge of her bed and closed her eyes. Not telling him what happened wasn't the same thing as lying. Not really. But it made her throat hurt anyway. "How are you and Mom?"
"Oh, we're good. Went golfing last weekend and your mother managed to beat me again. She makes sure to mention it at least once a day." The love he felt for Arizona's mother rang through despite his gruff tone. "She's actually not here right now. She ran to the store but should be back soon."
"That's okay," Arizona said quietly. It was easier to only talk to one of them. She wasn't sure she could handle the cheerful, bantering chorus of their voices on the other end of the line. The sound of her father alone evoked a sense of normalcy and safety that threatened to undo Arizona's loose hold on her control. No doubt hearing both of them would shatter her completely. "I promise to call again soon."
Her father hesitated a beat and Arizona closed her eyes, knowing she wasn't doing a good job of acting like herself. It was no surprise at all when he said, "Arizona, is everything okay?"
Arizona's lower lip quivered. Trying to force just a little of her normal perkiness into her voice, she said, "Yeah. Everything's fine."
"Really? Because you don't sound fine." Her father gentled his words in a tone Arizona knew was reserved for her alone. "How are things with Calliope?"
Even the sound of her name falling from her father's lips made Arizona smile. "Things are good. We're good."
"I'm glad to hear that." A pause, then, "You know you can talk to me about anything, right?"
She must really sound terrible for him to push so hard-it just wasn't their way. But Colonel Daniel Robbins wasn't a man who retreated, so Arizona knew she would have to tell him something. "I know, Dad. I'm just…dealing with something right now. And it's been pretty stressful. But it's getting better."
"Is there anything I can do to help?" He sounded so loving, so concerned, that it unleashed a flood of emotion that burned her throat and stung her eyes. "Or your mom?"
"I don't think so." All of a sudden Arizona craved one of his bear hugs, the safety of being captured within his protective embrace, but she would never admit that out loud. She was a grown woman and it was a ridiculous desire. "But thank you."
"May I just ask you one thing?"
Swallowing, Arizona said, "Sure."
"You're not having health problems, are you? I mean…you would tell your mother and me about something like that. Right?" Now he sounded worried, which wasn't at all what Arizona wanted. He loved and cared about her, so leaving him to wonder if she was okay simply wasn't fair. After Danny's death she knew her parents clung to her just a little more tightly.
"No health problems," Arizona said, even as her impending HIV test lingered in her mind. The overwhelming probability was that it would turn out negative, so she felt confident telling him she was physically sound. No, her issues were almost entirely mental and sexual at this point. Deciding to let him know just enough to reassure him she was okay, she said, "Dad…I was assaulted last month. One night after I left work. But I'm fine. I promise. Just…still dealing with the aftermath."
Her father started to speak but his voice cracked. He cleared his throat then said, shakily, "Were you hurt?"
Arizona bit her lip and tried to decide how to answer. She didn't think she could use the word. Not with him. "Yes."
"Did they catch the guy?" Now she could hear the anger beneath his shock and grief. "Is he in jail?"
"No," Arizona murmured. "They couldn't find him. There wasn't much evidence they could work with and I…" Ashamed, she fiddled with her hair and shifted uncomfortably. "I didn't get a good look at him."
"Sweet pea, I don't know what to say." For the first time since Danny's funeral, her father sounded like he might cry. "How are you doing? Really?"
"Better."
"Are you having nightmares?" Something about the way her father asked the question-like he already knew the answer-caught her attention. "Flashbacks? Anxiety? Mood swings?"
"Yes," Arizona said softly. "All of the above."
"Are you talking to a counselor?"
If she weren't so mortified to be having this discussion with her father, Arizona would have chuckled at hearing that question come out of his mouth. Colonel Daniel Robbins, paragon of strength and honor-asking her if she was seeing a shrink. "Not a professional, no. Calliope has been helping me through it. She's been amazing, actually. And my friend Teddy at work, she's really been there when I've needed to talk."
"You aren't too proud to see a counselor, are you?" A hint of gruffness had returned to his voice, relaxing her slightly. Somehow that was easier than hearing him so emotional.
"Not too proud, no." Arizona didn't know how to explain her reluctance to seek professional help. "I'm strong, Dad. I can get through this without that."
"PTSD is serious business, young lady." Stunned that he was diagnosing her over the phone, Arizona sat up straighter and listened. "If you need help, I want you to get it. No arguments."
"Who says I have post-traumatic stress disorder?"
When her father spoke again, his voice was tight. "Maybe you don't. But it sounds to me like you do. And there's no reason to be ashamed about that. It's a natural reaction to having your life and safety threatened. To trauma."
"I know." Arizona gripped the comforter next to her thigh to stop her hand from trembling.
"After I came home from Vietnam I saw a counselor for a while." Sounding as though he could sense her surprise, he said, "I've never told you that before. Back then they called it post Vietnam syndrome. Now it's PTSD. And it happens to the best of us. Okay?"
"Okay," Arizona whispered. The admission shed a whole new light on her stoic father, and instinctively she knew that this conversation was no easier for him than it was for her. He rarely talked about that time in his life, so she knew what it meant that he would share this with her now.
"You have no idea how many young men and women I've seen come home from war totally changed by the experience. Numb. Frightened. Unable to function because of what they'd seen or what they'd done. Soldiers who nearly died, who saw things that continued to haunt them every night when they went to sleep." He paused a moment, then said in a strained voice, "Female soldiers who had been raped."
Arizona bent at the waist but said nothing. He knew.
He hesitated, as though waiting to see if she would confirm his suspicion. When she didn't speak, he said, "What happened to you is just as traumatic as what happened to those soldiers. There's no shame in struggling to overcome it."
Arizona fought to keep her voice steady. "I just thought I'd be stronger than this."
"You are strong, Arizona. You're the person I raised you to be." The pride in his voice allowed Arizona to slowly relax. He knew and he still loved her. More than that, he believed in her. "Never confuse strength with stubbornness. If you need help, get help. Please."
"I will, daddy." Arizona sniffled and wiped her eyes. "I promise."
"That's my girl."
Arizona stared at the bedroom door, yearning for the warmth of Callie's arms. It was the one thing she knew would make her feel better. "I love you, Dad."
"I love you, too, kiddo. I'm so sorry that happened to you."
"Me too."
"It wasn't your fault. You know that."
Arizona finally lost her battle with tears. "I know. Calliope keeps telling me the same thing."
"I knew I liked Calliope for a reason."
Laughing, Arizona grabbed a tissue off her nightstand and dabbed at her eyes. "You'll like her for a lot of reasons. She's really special."
"Well, I can't wait to finally meet her."
Sooner rather than later, Arizona hoped. "Me, too."
"Is she the one?"
Warmed once again by her father's steadfast acceptance of her sexuality, Arizona said, "Definitely."
"Good. That makes your old man feel a lot better about not being there to hug you right now. You tell Calliope that I want her to hold you for me after we hang up. Okay?"
"I will." That was nearly as good as one of those bear hugs. "Thanks, Dad."
"Of course." He paused then said, "I'm going to tell your mother about this when she gets home. Is that all right?"
"That's fine." Honestly, Arizona was thrilled by the idea of not having to replay this conversation once again. "But make sure she knows I'm doing better, please. I don't want her to worry."
"She's your mother. Of course she'll worry. But I'll remind her how tough you are." She could hear the smile in his voice. "You get that from me."
"Naturally." Arizona glanced again at the bedroom door. "Dad, I hate to just dump this on you and run, but Callie's making us dinner and I suspect it'll be ready any minute now."
"Not a problem. Thank you for calling me back, kiddo. Next time let's not go so long between calls, okay?"
"Okay." Arizona flopped back onto the mattress, suddenly boneless with relief. It felt like a crushing weight had been lifted from her shoulders. "I'm glad we talked."
"Me too."
Nostrils flaring, Arizona tamped down on a surge of emotion. "Kiss Mom for me. And tell her congratulations on the golf victory."
He snorted. "You have a good night, honey. I'll talk to you soon."
"Bye." Arizona clicked off her phone and tossed it to the side. Then she pressed the heels of her hands to her eyes, absorbing all that had just happened. For weeks she had been dreading having to talk with either of her parents, and now that it was over, she really did feel better.
Score one for Callie.
There was a light knock on the door. Arizona sat up and called, "Come in."
Callie peeked inside cautiously. "Are you off the phone?"
"Just hung up."
Callie stepped into the room carrying a bottle of water and a plate of her Mexican stuffed tomatoes, a dish that had cemented Arizona's love for all things-and women-Latina. Arizona smiled at the sight, wishing she was hungrier. Though the conversation with her father had made her feel better, her stomach still churned with residual anxiety.
Perhaps it knew that the time had arrived for another serious talk.
"How did it go?" Callie sat on the bed to her right, putting the plate and water on her nightstand before turning her full attention to Arizona. "Better than you thought?"
Nodding, Arizona said, "Dad says to tell you to hold me."
"I can do that." Callie opened her arms and Arizona fell into them, clinging to Callie tightly. "Does that mean you told him what happened?"
"I just said I had been assaulted." Arizona buried her face in Callie's neck and inhaled. "But I think he figured out the rest."
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah. Glad that's over, honestly." Pressing her lips to Callie's throat, Arizona gave her a gentle kiss. "He wants to make sure I'm getting help. He actually suggested I see a therapist. Said that post-traumatic stress disorder is 'serious business'."
Callie stilled the hand that had been combing through Arizona's hair. "Indeed it is." She drew back, looking Arizona in the eyes. "I don't think seeing a therapist is a bad idea. For both of us."
"You want to go to therapy?"
"I've been thinking about it." Clearly wary of upsetting her, Callie searched Arizona's face before choosing her words. "Instead of just winging this whole recovery thing, maybe it would be good to have professional guidance."
Arizona digested that for a moment. A couple weeks ago she had been confident she could tackle the healing process on her own, but a lot had happened since then. And her father's advice did mean a lot to her-especially if he had suffered similar symptoms after surviving combat. In a way it felt ridiculous to compare her five-minute attack to his months-long tour of duty, but she supposed that fearing for one's life and sustaining violent injury was enough to traumatize someone whether it lasted five minutes or five years. At least her brain and body seemed to think so.
Still, the idea of telling her story to yet another person-a stranger-was singularly unnerving. Casting her gaze down at the carpet, Arizona said, "I don't like showing my cracks. Especially to someone I don't know."
"I know you don't." Callie lifted Arizona's face by the chin, forcing her to make eye contact. "But maybe it will help."
If her father could do it, Arizona knew she could too. Without feeling lesser for it. And if that's what it would take to get through this thing with their relationship intact, she was happy to go to therapy. "Okay. I'll make an appointment."
"So will I." Callie smiled in relief. "It'll be good." She picked up the plate of stuffed tomatoes, offering Arizona a fork. "Now eat something."
Arizona put a hand on her stomach. "I'm not-"
"Very hungry." Rolling her eyes, Callie speared a healthy bite and raised it to Arizona's mouth, close enough that the fresh aroma hit her square in the nose. "Eat."
Arizona opened her mouth and allowed Callie to feed her. Callie grinned at her small noise of satisfaction. "Good?"
Good was an understatement. Arizona swallowed. "Delicious." She took the fork from Callie and had another bite. "You take good care of me."
"I try." Callie's grin faded. "I wish I'd taken better care of you last night."
"You're not the only one with regrets about last night," Arizona said quietly. She continued eating mostly to placate Callie, even as the memory of her insane bout with jealousy sapped what little appetite she had. "I was a complete bitch."
"Stop," Callie murmured. "We both made mistakes. Said things we regret." She took another bite but chewing clearly required real effort. "I understand why what happened the other night would make you feel insecure. It was insensitive for me to go out and leave you alone after that. Especially to be with Mark."
"I appreciate that." Arizona put down her fork, hopeful that Callie would be satisfied with what she'd managed to eat. "But it shouldn't matter if you're with Mark. If I trust you-and I do-there's no excuse for making those kinds of accusations."
"Thank you." Callie's expression turned guilty. "But the point is, I never should have gone out at all. Not last night."
"Apology accepted," Arizona said. "I'm sorry for taking out my insecurities on you. Through this whole thing you've been nothing short of amazing. Honestly. You've put up with so much and you're so committed to helping me through this, to being with me. I couldn't ask for anything more."
"I am committed to you." Callie blinked rapidly and looked down at the plate, which she set aside. Her breathing hitched as though she was struggling not to burst into tears. "Even if I get scared sometimes."
Arizona's breath caught at the naked vulnerability in Callie's voice. All at once she felt like the protector, not the protected. She wanted to do whatever it took to heal the hurt and fear that emanated from Callie, who was suddenly so painfully unguarded after weeks of nearly unwavering strength. The desire to care for Callie empowered Arizona-shifting attention away from her own pain gave her new purpose, and the thought that she could be the strong one for once was almost intoxicating.
Taking Callie's hand, Arizona said, "It's okay to be scared. This is scary stuff."
"Yeah, it is." Callie bit her lip and her nostrils flared.
Arizona knew tears were coming soon and tried not to move, afraid she would startle Callie into holding them back once again. Throughout this entire ordeal Callie's stoicism had only ever cracked a handful of times, usually when Arizona's own emotions were running high. She wanted so badly for Callie to feel safe enough to let all these feelings out. If Callie didn't release some of that tension she would surely explode.
"I'm sorry about what happened in bed," Arizona said quietly. The apology unleashed Callie's tears, which dripped onto her T-shirt with a blink of her eyes. "I can only imagine how you must have felt. How frightened you must have been."
"I shouldn't have made it about me." Callie sounded so lost it was all Arizona could do not to grab her face and cover it with kisses. Anything to take away the sorrow that held her in its grip. "This isn't about me."
"Sure it is." Arizona wasn't going to let Callie back away from what she'd said that night. That Callie was every bit as anxious about how to move forward was the most important lesson Arizona had taken from the whole mess. "You're part of this, too. You were right when you said I should have thought about you. I should have. From now on, I will."
"I know you didn't think that would happen." Callie made eye contact briefly before shifting her attention to their joined hands. "And I wanted to have sex, too. Even if I wasn't sure we were ready, I didn't exactly say no."
"It wasn't all bad, right?" Arizona gave Callie a tentative smile. "The licking you part was good."
Callie grinned shyly, meeting Arizona's gaze. "I liked that part. And feeling connected to you. Being intimate." She sobered. "Pretty much all of it except making you relive what he did to you."
"I liked being intimate, too." Scooting closer, Arizona grabbed Callie's other hand and squeezed. "I need that. I don't want to stop trying to find that part of who we are. Even if it means you don't touch me for a while. I can still touch you. And I…" She cursed the heat that traveled up her face. "I could touch myself. With you."
"You think you would be okay with that?" Callie's low, throaty voice sent a whisper of pleasure through Arizona's body. "Touching yourself?"
"I think it's worth a try." Hoping to lighten the mood, Arizona smirked and said, "I'll be honest, Calliope, I could really use an orgasm."
Callie shivered and traced a line down Arizona's jaw. "And I'd love to watch you come." As soon as the words left her mouth she tensed. "Is that okay to say?"
Arizona kissed the corner of Callie's mouth. "Yes."
Relaxing slightly, Callie went to speak but stopped. An internal struggle played out over her face, as though she wanted to say something but wasn't sure she should. Arizona waited for her to work it out, until it seemed like Callie might have decided to say nothing at all.
"Tell me what you're thinking." Calm and measured, Arizona felt ready to tackle any subject. As long as she it meant she could take away Callie's uncertainty. "Whatever it is."
Callie licked her lips nervously. "Is there anything else I should know about what happened?" She curled her fingers around the back of Arizona's neck and touched their foreheads together. "I know you don't like talking about it but if there's even a chance that there's something I could trigger…something I don't know about…I want to avoid it."
In that on-call room yesterday with Teddy, Arizona had decided not to hold anything back. To let Callie inside completely. Callie already knew most of what happened but Arizona wanted to play it safe, so she stared into Callie's face and forced her mind back to that night while staying firmly anchored in the safety of Callie's beautiful brown eyes.
"He tackled me from behind when I went to open the car door." Callie flinched and Arizona inhaled, prepared to tell the whole story, beginning to end, for the first time. "Everything happened in slow motion. He dragged me into the grass and hit me until I stopped trying to get up."
"You don't have to do this right now," Callie whispered. "We don't have to do this."
"I know." Swallowing, Arizona said, "But I think we should."
"Then I'm listening."
Arizona gathered her strength before continuing. "He wanted me to know what he was going to do. I could tell he got off on making me afraid. On hurting me. When I tried to close my eyes he slapped me. When I begged him to let me go he slapped me again. He called me a slut and told me he was going to fuck me. And I panicked. I panicked and tried to get away, because I knew…I just knew…that if I could get away from him, if I could run back to the parking lot, he would let me go. But he punched me and turned me over onto my stomach so I couldn't fight back. I tried to scream and he grabbed my hair and pushed my face into the dirt."
Arizona took a deep, shuddering breath and Callie grabbed onto her hands again, hanging on tightly. She said nothing, but her silent support enabled Arizona to keep talking.
"He told me to stay quiet or he'd really make it hurt. And I believed him. So I just surrendered. I lay there and tried to think about you. Tried not to feel him ripping off my panties, or spreading my legs, or reaching under me to grab my breasts. For a moment I thought…I was afraid he was going to penetrate me anally, and when I realized he wasn't, I was relieved. And that's when he touched me and felt that I was wet. Called me a filthy whore, and…started raping me."
"Dios mio," Callie whispered, hands shaking. "Arizona-"
Now that she had started talking, Arizona just wanted to get through this. To tell Callie once and for all. To leave nothing unspoken. Maybe if Callie knew, it would take away some of the power these memories had over her. It was worth a try, at least.
"He covered my mouth with his hand. He smelled like cigarettes. It hurt so badly, Calliope. Like he was tearing me apart. And it felt like it went on forever. I was so glad when he finally ejaculated. It didn't even matter that he might be transmitting a disease to me, all I could think was that maybe he would get up and leave me alone now that he was done. But he didn't. He kissed my neck and touched my breast and just kept moving against me, told me he hoped he'd gotten me pregnant, and if Meredith and Cristina hadn't shown up then…" Arizona's voice broke. "I think maybe he would have done it again."
That's when Arizona realized that Callie was sobbing. Her shoulders quaked and her thumbs rubbed frantic circles over Arizona's hands, as though she desperately wanted to offer comfort but didn't know how. Arizona pulled her hands away and threw her arms around Callie, squeezing as hard as she dared.
"And that's it." Strangely, Arizona's chest felt lighter for having unburdened herself of the whole story. Start to finish. Now Callie knew everything. Whatever else happened, there were no more secrets between them. "That's what happened. The entire thing."
"I would give anything to take those memories away." Callie's hands came to rest on Arizona's back, holding her close. "I will do everything I can never to bring them up again."
"If it happens, it happens." A sense of peace had settled around Arizona and she kissed Callie's cheek, hoping to soothe her lingering emotion. "It'll be okay. I promise."
Callie sniffled. "I wish I could be so chill about it."
"I know it means something different to you than to me. I appreciate that." Arizona drew back with a tentative smile. "All I can say is thank you for being brave enough to stick with me through this."
Cracking an answering smile, Callie said, "No choice. I'm never letting you go."
"That's a relief." Arizona eased into a full-on grin. "Especially since I just told my father that you're the one."
Callie beamed shyly, drying her eyes with a corner of the comforter. "Sorry for losing it just now."
"Don't be." Arizona captured Callie's sock-covered toes in her hand and squeezed gently. "You were due for a good cry."
"Tell me about it." Callie shook her head and snorted laughter. "God, I'm tired of all the crying."
"So am I." Arizona crawled to the other side of the bed and lay down, opening her arms in silent invitation. Callie immediately nestled against her side and rested her cheek on Arizona's breast. Smiling contentedly, Arizona kissed the crown of her head. "No more crying for the rest of the night, okay? Or arguing. Or anything else stupid like that."
"Just loving each other?"
The hopeful lilt of Callie's voice tugged at Arizona's belly. She placed her fingers on Callie's chin and lifted her face, leaning down to brush her lips over Callie's. After a moment she pulled back. "Just loving each other."
Callie hesitated briefly before bringing their mouths together again. This kiss went deeper, though there was nothing demanding about it. Arizona rolled them slightly so she could move over Callie, letting their chests touch while their lower bodies remained safely side-by-side. Callie cradled Arizona's face as they alternated between quick, light pecks and long, lingering explorations that quickly had them moaning into one another's mouths.
Knowing it would be a mistake to let things escalate much further, Arizona eased onto her back at Callie's side. Callie exhaled loudly and brought a hand to rest over her heart.
"Are you okay?" The quaver in Callie's voice made Arizona smile.
Arizona turned her head to catch Callie's gaze. "Very okay." Amazingly, even despite having just revisited the entirety of her attack, Arizona felt safe. And hopeful. And desperate for that intimacy she and Callie had just talked about. After the past forty-eight hours, Arizona needed that connection more than ever.
From the desire in Callie's eyes, Arizona knew she wasn't the only one.
"We need to be careful," Callie whispered.
"I know." Arizona leaned in, barely making contact with Callie's lips. "I'm tired of these bad memories. That's why I pushed so hard. Because I want so badly to make new ones."
"I get that."
"But we'll take baby steps to get there. For real this time." She captured Callie's lower lip between her teeth, tugging gently.
"Kissing is good." Callie groaned when Arizona nipped at her upper lip next. "Very good."
It was. But Arizona realized she wanted more. Hesitant, she murmured, "What if I told you I wanted to touch myself?"
"You do?" Callie tensed and her breathing picked up. "Right now?"
"Yes."
"Is that a good idea?" Callie backed off, searching her face. "This evening has been pretty…intense."
Arizona forced herself to focus on Callie's obvious fear. "You don't have to stay with me if you're not comfortable." She smiled, hoping Callie would see that despite the turmoil of the evening, Arizona really was okay. "But I really want to try. For me."
"All right." Callie's expression softened. "Do you want me to stay?"
"Yeah." Suddenly shy, Arizona ran the back of her hand over Callie's cheek. "Maybe you could kiss me a little?"
"I can do that."
But when she went to do so, Arizona stopped her with a gentle hand on her chest. "If you get uncomfortable, tell me. We'll stop."
Callie chuckled. "Shouldn't that be my line?"
"Same goes for me. If it turns out to be too much, I'll tell you. The moment it becomes too much." Arizona willed Callie to understand just how seriously she was taking this situation-and how important it was to her not to hurt Callie again. "This won't be like last time. All you have to do is watch."
"And kiss you," Callie said quietly. "Don't forget that part."
Arizona removed her hand from Callie's chest. "I could never forget that part."
Callie's first kiss was almost chaste, just the gentle press of her lips to one corner of Arizona's mouth. Then the other corner. "I love you so much, sweetheart."
"I love you, too." Arizona found the button on her jeans as she returned Callie's gentle kisses. She thumbed it open easily then tugged down her zipper, slipping her hand into her panties with deliberate caution. Every ounce of her concentration was on her body's reaction to the sensation of being touched, and on keeping her mind firmly in the present. "I've missed this."
"So have I." Callie broke away from Arizona's mouth to gaze down the length of their bodies. Her throat worked as she watched Arizona part her legs and find her labia with her fingers.
Arizona whimpered. She was wet.
Callie's eyes found hers in an instant. "Was that a happy noise?"
"Very happy." Shaken by how relieved she was to feel the arousal that had been so elusive last night, Arizona laughed out loud. "This is going to work."
"Yeah?" Callie traced the tip of her tongue along Arizona's lower lip. "Make yourself feel good, baby. Let me hear you feel good."
Arizona stroked lightly along her slick labia, then circled her swollen clit with the pads of her fingers. It was easier to touch herself than it had been to let Callie do so. There was no uncertainty about what might happen next. She could move at her own pace. Completely in control.
She focused on Callie's scent, her lips, and the warmth of her body resting at Arizona's side. She was safe with Callie. They were making a new memory-the old ones had no place here in bed with them. Excited by the pleasure from the rhythmic stroking of her hand, Arizona moaned into Callie's mouth. "You turn me on, Calliope Torres. You know that?"
Callie smiled. "Good."
"Are you turned on?" Arizona breathed.
Callie groaned in a burst of sound, as though she had tried and failed to suppress it. "You have no idea."
"Maybe you should touch yourself, too." Taking the initiative, Arizona swept her tongue into Callie's mouth. "If you want."
"I…" Callie swallowed. Shivered. "Yeah. I want."
Arizona placed her hand on Callie's, guiding it down to her waistband. She lingered there as Callie quickly unbuttoned herself, then retreated when Callie plunged into her panties with a strangled moan.
"You are so fucking hot," Arizona murmured. The movement of Callie's arm and the sound of her hitched breathing ratcheted Arizona's excitement to dizzying heights. Pressure swelled in the pit of her stomach, and every stroke of her fingers over her clit sent shockwaves of pleasure echoing throughout her entire body. "Tell me what you're doing."
Callie's cheeks turned pink. "Rubbing my clit."
"And how does it feel?"
"Incredible," Callie choked out. She crushed her mouth to Arizona's just in time to muffle a cry of pleasure.
Arizona returned Callie's kiss and increased the speed of her fingers over her own clit. For the first time since the rape she felt an orgasm building and knew without a doubt that she would be able to climax. Part of her wanted to make it last, but the bigger part of her yearned to experience that moment of release, that ultimate reminder that her body was still capable of bringing her great joy.
Callie broke their kiss first. "I'm going to come."
Gasping, Arizona said, "Do it. Let me hear it."
Callie threw back her head and lifted her hips off the mattress as she came with a throaty moan. The sight of Callie's face as she rode the waves of pleasure was all it took to send Arizona over the edge right after. Arizona whimpered as her orgasm tore through her, marveling at the violent contractions of her pussy and the copious wetness that poured from her as she came down from her self-induced high.
So much wetness and not an ounce of shame.
As soon as she caught her breath Arizona burst into tears, rolling onto her side and reaching for Callie even as she was being tugged into strong arms. "Hey," Callie murmured quietly, both hands rubbing soothing patterns over Arizona's back. "No more crying tonight, remember? Just loving each other."
Laughing through her tears, Arizona said, "They're happy tears. That's okay, right?"
Callie tightened her embrace. "Yeah. That's okay."
"I came," Arizona whispered. "And there was nothing scary about it."
"It was beautiful. Like you." Trailing kisses over Arizona's forehead, Callie whispered, "I feel so close to you right now. Thank you. This was exactly what I needed."
Humming in agreement, Arizona sank her fingers into Callie's hair and closed her eyes to bask in the warm afterglow of their mutual satisfaction. It was only a baby step, for sure, and they still had plenty of ground to cover, but Arizona felt content in a way she hadn't in weeks.
She was finally home.
To be continued…