Little Earthquakes (Chapter 11)
Title: Little Earthquakes (11/?)
Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Rating: NC-17
Summary: When Arizona is attacked in the parking lot of Seattle Grace, everything changes...and her relationship with Callie is put to the test.
Content Warning
This story deals with the topic of rape and recovery. I am rating it a hard M for graphic depictions of rape, violence, and, eventually, consensual sex.
I would never write about rape frivolously, nor to titillate. There's a lot of fan fiction out there that deals with sexual assault in all manner of ways, many of them distasteful. The last thing I want to do is add to the litany of "rapefic" that traumatizes beloved characters for the sake of creating a juicy story.
At the same time, rape and sexual assault is a reality. As such, I believe it is a legitimate subject for fiction, especially when the focus is not so much on the physical act but on the psychological repercussions, the aftershocks such an event can unleash in a survivor's life.
If the frank depiction of rape and the pain of recovery (physical, emotional, and sexual) is likely to trigger or otherwise upset you, I would honestly give this story a pass. I don't plan on pulling any punches. I do plan on handling this the most respectful way I know how.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
The next morning, Arizona startled out of deep thought at a knock on the door of the on-call room she had locked herself inside. She grabbed the knob, then hesitated. "Yeah?"
"It's me."
Arizona unlocked the door then pulled it open, moving aside to let Teddy through. "Hey, you."
Teddy put her hand on Arizona's arm, squeezing as she stepped inside. "Is it pathetic if I admit this is the first time I've ever been paged to an on-call room?"
Arizona managed a small smile. Glancing into the hallway, she was relieved to find nobody paying any attention to Teddy's arrival. She could only imagine how the rumor mill might spin this meeting. Closing the door, she said, "Unfortunately, I can't promise much of a good time."
"What's wrong?" Teddy frowned, fidgeting with her ever-present stethoscope. "Did something happen?"
All morning Arizona told herself she would stay strong for this conversation. Damn Teddy for being so freaking sweet. Arizona's chin quivered as she whispered, "I screwed up."
Compassion softened Teddy's features. "Oh, sweetie." She sat on a bunk and patted the spot next to her. "Tell me what's going on."
Arizona locked the door and sat beside Teddy, grateful for her warm presence. Though she and Callie had fallen asleep holding hands the night before-and she had woken up this morning nestled in Callie's arms-things had been noticeably strained since their failed attempt at lovemaking. Callie was scared and frustrated and clearly saddened to have triggered Arizona, while Arizona burned with guilt, shame and sorrow. Though she trusted that they would eventually repair what last night had damaged, Arizona had spent the day thus far feeling devastatingly alone.
That is, until Teddy walked through the door.
"I tried making love with Calliope last night." Arizona searched Teddy for a reaction. Did she also think Arizona had been foolish to push so hard, so quickly? "It…didn't go as well as I'd hoped."
"I doubt it's ever easy the first time." Teddy slipped her arm around Arizona's back. "That doesn't mean you screwed anything up. It's not your fault."
Not her fault. Callie had said the same thing, but Arizona knew that wasn't true. "Yeah, it was. It was definitely my fault."
"How?"
Arizona covered her eyes with her hand as her humiliation flooded back full force. "There was something about the rape I didn't tell Calliope-something I hadn't told anyone-and she triggered that memory for me. Right after she started touching me. And I freaked."
"I'm so sorry, Arizona. I know that must have been scary."
"Yeah," Arizona whispered. "It wasn't good."
"Is Callie okay?" Teddy's voice was gentle. Non-judgmental. But full of genuine concern.
Cringing, Arizona looked at the floor. "She said I made her feel like a rapist."
Teddy went very still. "Are you okay?"
"I don't know." Arizona's jaw chattered as her emotion rose. "I've never felt so horrible in my life. The hurt in her eyes, the pain…she's done nothing but try and be everything I need. Whenever I need it. And I all but doomed her to failure by keeping secrets."
"I'm sure you had your reasons for not telling her."
Arizona shook her head. "I was ashamed. Embarrassed. But I should have realized that it could come back to haunt me. It wasn't fair to ask Calliope to try having sex without telling her how not to frighten me."
"You didn't know." Teddy rubbed her hand over Arizona's back briskly, giving her an affectionate pat. "Now you do. Is Callie still upset with you?"
Shrugging, Arizona murmured, "I don't think she's angry anymore. But she's upset, of course. She was hesitant to have sex in the first place. Thought I was pushing too hard." She bit her lip, glad for the pain. "I guess she was right."
"Hey, pushing yourself isn't always a bad thing. It's gotten you this far."
Where was that? Before last night, Arizona had been confident about the progress she'd made. Now the wind had been taken out of her sails. "She said I should have thought of her. Of how she'd feel if it didn't work. And she's right. I wasn't really thinking about her. I mean, I was thinking about the fact that I knew she was horny and I wanted to give her what she needed. But mostly I was thinking about how badly I wanted things to get back to normal."
"I know it may not feel like it right now, but you haven't lost any ground you can't make up." Teddy projected quiet strength, which was exactly what Arizona needed today. She leaned against Teddy's side and soaked up her positive energy. Slowly but surely, Arizona's despair melted away. "You just need to go back to the basics. Start small, work up to the big stuff."
It was exactly the advice Teddy had given her weeks ago-advice that Arizona had managed to forget in her impatience to heal. "Baby steps."
"Exactly."
Arizona wanted to smack herself. For a while she had been totally focused on moving slowly, and things had improved steadily. Then she'd gotten in the shower with Callie and promptly lost control of her desire to reconnect. Baby steps had gone by the wayside. "You're so right." Arizona exhaled. "Damn it. Why did I push us so hard?"
"Because that's who you are. You push yourself in everything you do. That's why you're a great surgeon."
"Yeah. And a horrible partner." Arizona took a deep breath as a fresh wave of guilt crashed over her. "You should have seen her, Teddy. She was terrified. I did that to her."
"Cut yourself some slack," Teddy said. "This whole situation new for you. You're still learning how to navigate it. And so is Callie. Last night was a reality check, sure, but it doesn't make you horrible."
"It did make me realize that I need to protect Calliope just as much as she's been protecting me." As embarrassing as it was to admit, Arizona hadn't really understood that until Callie's show of anger after her flashback. "That I'm not the only one struggling with what happened."
"So maybe it was good, then. Even if it was a painful way to learn that lesson." Teddy gave her one last squeeze. "Callie loves you so much. I know she forgives you."
"How is it you always know exactly what to say to make me feel better?"
"Because I'm awesome." Teddy gave her a shit-eating grin. "Obviously."
Arizona returned her smile without thinking. "Obviously."
Teddy's grin softened. "Can I ask you a personal question?"
"Of course." Arizona prepared herself for the worst, but hoped Teddy wouldn't ask what secret she had kept from Callie. She really didn't want to rehash it. Not even with her best friend.
"Have you touched yourself sexually?" Teddy looked only slightly embarrassed to ask. "Since the attack?"
The question was straightforward and direct, taking Arizona totally by surprise. "Uh. No. I haven't."
"But before…" Teddy asked gently. "Is that something you did?"
"Yes." Nervous laughter bubbled up from Arizona's throat. "Wow, I've never been shy about that before."
"No need to be shy." Teddy gave her a sheepish grin. "I'm something of an expert in the subject."
Teddy's confession dispelled Arizona's discomfort. "Me too. But not since it happened, no. I, uh…I explored a little in the shower the other day. Not with a goal in mind, though. Just…touching.""
"Think about starting there." Teddy nudged her with her shoulder. "Get comfortable making yourself feel good first. Then you can go to Callie with more confidence. Hell, you could even let Callie watch you touch yourself. That would be fun."
Arizona raised an approving eyebrow. "Look at you."
"Yeah, well…" Teddy rolled her eyes. "Like I said, I have plenty of solo experience. That leaves a girl with a lot of time to think."
Laughing felt good. So good, in fact, that Arizona's spirits lifted considerably. She and Callie still had plenty to work out, but Teddy had just shown her a path to get there. "You are awesome."
"Stop." Teddy laughed. "We're having a regular mutual admiration society meeting in here, huh?"
Arizona dried the last of her tears, straightening her shoulders. "You know it."
"Ready to adjourn?"
"Yeah, I've got an appy in an hour." Arizona glanced at her watch. "Make that fifty minutes."
"Keep your head up, Dr. Robbins. Setbacks happen. But you and Callie will work through anything that comes up. That's one thing I know for sure."
Arizona sprung to her feet, energized to address the issue head on. There wasn't any time to talk to Callie now, but it was clear they had a lot to discuss. Not only did Arizona want to apologize again-to reiterate that she understood Callie was working through her own set of challenges, and would be more sensitive to that in the future-but she also wanted to let Callie know what she and Teddy had just talked about. As contrary to her nature as it was, Arizona was determined to let Callie inside on absolutely everything from now on, even at the risk of oversharing. She needed to make this relationship with Callie work. If that meant communicating in a way she never had with previous girlfriends, Arizona was happy to do it.
She never wanted to make that same mistake of omission again.
"We will get through this," Arizona said. In past relationships she never would have trusted something like that. But Callie was different. She was the possibility of forever. "You're right."
"I've never been so sure of two people in my life," Teddy said. "Seriously. This will only make you stronger."
Arizona liked the thought. "I hope so."
"Hey." Teddy gripped her arm as they approached the door, before Arizona could open it. "You're already stronger."
Despite everything, Arizona believed her.
#
Callie flipped through a patient's chart without really looking. She had just finished a shoulder arthoscopy and had a knee replacement in two hours, but between surgeries there was nothing to do but dwell on what had happened with Arizona the night before. All day so far she had been walking around numb, feeling disconnected from her body and wholly unlike herself. Like a stranger in a Callie suit.
She'd never experienced anything like what happened in bed with Arizona, and it haunted her. Nearly all her past lovers had been male, every last one of them fully participatory in bed. Never had Callie felt like she was touching someone when it wasn't wanted. When Arizona had frozen on top of her, when she had gasped for Callie to stop, the fear and disgust in Arizona's eyes triggered a wave of intense shame unlike anything Callie had ever known.
She felt like dirt. Lower than dirt. Though she shouldn't have said it to Arizona, especially in anger, Callie had meant what she'd said in the immediate aftermath-it made her feel like a rapist.
Knowing that her hand and her words had taken Arizona to such a dark place was almost too much to bear. Callie loved Arizona with everything inside her and never wanted to be a source of pain. Every moment of every day since Arizona's rape had been about not scaring her-about helping her heal-and last night had unraveled all her efforts so far. If only Arizona hadn't insisted she was ready for something she didn't even trust Callie enough to talk about.
Sighing, Callie flipped her chart closed just as Arizona emerged from the on-call room down the hall. Arizona had a smile on her face and Callie nearly smiled back, until she noticed Teddy trailing behind. Callie's smile faded.
It wasn't that Callie had a specific problem with Teddy. Honestly, she was glad Arizona had such a close friend, especially one with some idea what she was going through. Someone she could trust. But the thing was, Callie wanted to be that person. She wanted to be the one who made Arizona smile, who got summoned to an on-call room for whatever reason. Instead she was the one who triggered memories of the worst night of Arizona's life. The one Arizona was too embarrassed to talk to. Things with Teddy were all sunshine and rainbows, it seemed-Teddy had none of the hard work in Arizona's recovery, so she got to be the superhero. And Callie was the villain.
Callie hated being jealous. But that didn't mean she wasn't.
"You're not seriously worried about Teddy Altman, are you?" Callie jumped at the sound of Mark's voice next to her ear, then straightened, feigning indifference. "Trust me, she loves penis. A lot."
Callie wrinkled her nose. "I'm really not in the mood, Mark."
"For penis? No, you haven't been in that mood for a while, have you?" Despite his words, Mark wore a sober expression. "What's wrong, Callie? Everything okay?"
Callie shrugged and pushed off the counter, walking down the hall in the direction Arizona had disappeared. "Everything's fine."
Mark grabbed her elbow and pulled her to a stop in front of the on-call room. "Don't make me drag you in there and force you to tell me what's got you so upset."
There was no way she was talking to Mark about this in the hallway. Or anywhere else they might be overheard. Knowing that she was rolling the dice as far as sparking rumors that would undoubtedly hurt Arizona deeply, Callie opened the on-call room door and stomped inside. Mark followed, closing the door behind them.
"I, uh, kinda didn't expect you to do that." Mark folded his arms over his chest and leaned against the door, looking like he wasn't sure what to do next. "Is Robbins going to kick my ass for sneaking off to an on-call room with you?"
Callie paced back and forth, desperate to calm down. She didn't particularly want to share what had happened with Arizona, but she felt like she might burst if she didn't get it out. Calling Addison was probably a better idea. But Mark was here in front of her, and no matter what Addison and Arizona thought, he was actually a damn good friend. He always made her feel better.
Decision made, Callie said, "We tried having sex last night."
Mark's eyes widened, as though he was slightly alarmed she was actually opening up. "Tried?"
"And failed."
"Ah." Mark gave her a sympathetic grimace. "What happened?"
"I triggered her." Horrified, Callie could feel her eyes well with tears. "I did something that made her think of that night, and she asked me to stop, so I did. But it scared me to death. I could see in her eyes that for a moment, at least, it wasn't me in bed with her. It was that man."
"Damn," Mark muttered softly. "I'm sorry, Callie. I really am."
Callie shook her head and kept up her pacing. "The frustrating part is that she could have warned me not to do what I did. I had no idea I was saying something that would upset her, because she didn't tell me that part. If I'd known…" She muttered in Spanish then quickly translated for Mark. "I wouldn't have done that."
"Are you okay?" Uncharacteristically tender, Mark took a step closer but didn't touch her. "That must have sucked. I'm sorry."
"It did suck. So much that I yelled at her about making me feel like a rapist." Stopping abruptly with her back to Mark, Callie cringed at the memory of throwing her favorite T-shirt at Arizona, spiteful and enraged. "She was naked and frightened and I knew she didn't do it on purpose, but I got so mad." Callie lowered her voice to a whisper. "I knew we weren't ready to have sex. That I wasn't ready. Partially because I suspected she wasn't either. But she insisted and all I wanted was for her to have the control. So I went along. But I should have told her it was too soon. Then maybe it wouldn't have happened."
"Geez, Torres. Give yourself a break, okay?" When Callie turned, her throat tightened at the kind crinkle of Mark's eyes. "You let her set the pace. You trusted her to know what she could handle, and she didn't give you fair warning about what was off-limits. There's nothing more you could have done." Mark tugged Callie into a loose embrace. "You've been a trooper during this whole thing. Now it's time to ease up on yourself. I don't blame you for getting angry. You felt like a monster, and you're only human."
A powerful rush of relief nearly took Callie's legs out from beneath her. For whatever reason, his understanding meant everything. Mark's arms tightened around her middle, keeping her on her feet. "I'm just so tired, Mark. I want a break. I need a break. But then I feel like an asshole for even thinking that way, because it's not like Arizona gets to take a break from this. She has to live with what happened every day."
"So do you." Mark squeezed her gently. "And you deserve a break. Why don't you let me take you out for drinks after work? Give you a chance to unwind?"
It was so tempting, but Callie wasn't sure how Arizona would feel about her running off for drinks with Mark Sloan. Especially when things between them were still shaky. "I don't know. Last night was pretty intense and we've barely had time to talk about it-"
"Take a rest from the talking for just a few hours. I'm sure Arizona will understand." Drawing back, Mark met her eyes. "She's been hanging out with Teddy, right? Running and all that?"
"Yeah."
"Well, then…this is no different. You're entitled to your own chance to let off some steam."
There was something amusing about hearing Mark so perfectly echo Addison's advice of a few weeks back-advice that Callie so far hadn't followed. "Maybe you're right."
"I usually am." Mark flashed his trademark mega-watt grin. "Tell blondie I'll escort you home safely by midnight at the latest. We'll do some shots, I'll kick your ass at darts, and we'll get your mind off everything else. I'm willing to bet everything will seem less overwhelming in the morning."
That was an offer Callie couldn't refuse. "Okay. I'll ask Arizona if she minds."
"No. Tell her you need a break. She'll understand."
Callie desperately hoped so-but she had a feeling it wouldn't be that easy.
#
"Tonight? Really?"
Callie kept a smile plastered on her face even as Arizona's mouth turned down at the corners. Clearly Mark's prediction about Arizona's level of understanding had been optimistic. "I haven't hung out with Mark in weeks," Callie said. "And today has been crazy with surgeries. I could really use some bar time-just to relax a little. You know. And get away."
A flicker of hurt passed over Arizona's face but disappeared quickly. "I understand, Calliope. It's just…tonight. After…last night." Glancing around the cafeteria at the doctors and nurses seated at the tables surrounding them, Arizona lowered her voice. "I thought maybe we could talk. About what happened. About where we go from here."
The idea of another emotionally intense evening left Callie completely drained. And suddenly desperate for a drink. Or two. "Can't we do it tomorrow? We're both off early. I can make a nice dinner and we'll talk about anything you want."
Searching Callie's eyes, Arizona said, "Okay. If you need some time away, I understand. I just…" Her gaze flicked over to a pair of nurses who huddled together and pretended not to watch them. "I want to make sure you're not avoiding me because of what happened."
"Of course not." Callie placed her hand on Arizona's, threading their fingers gently. She kept her face neutral, not wanting Arizona to see that there was some truth to her worry. "I love you, darling. I love spending time with you. But I've been totally neglecting my friends. My social life." Trying to keep the jealousy out of her voice, she said, "You've got Teddy, which is great. Really great. Let me have Mark. Just for tonight."
Arizona wrinkled her nose. "With pleasure."
"And tomorrow I'm all yours."
Nodding, Arizona stared at the tabletop. "Of course. That's fine."
Caught between regret and defiance at Arizona's obvious disappointment, Callie said, "If you really don't want me to go, I won't. But I feel like I've earned a night off." Arizona's eyelids fluttered rapidly and Callie realized too late how her words would surely sting. Wincing, she murmured, "I didn't mean it like that."
"No, I get it." Arizona shook her head and looked away, toward the door. "You have earned it. And I'm sorry to be so needy. That's unattractive. I know that."
"You are never unattractive." Callie covered their joined fingers with her other hand, rubbing circles until Arizona returned her attention to Callie's face. "We're just both under a lot of stress. That's all."
"You're right." Arizona took a deep breath and appeared to relax marginally. But it seemed more like she was putting on a brave face than truly at peace with Callie's plans. "We are. And you're also right that you're due to have some fun."
Genuine or not, Callie would take it. "I'll be home by midnight."
"Be careful, okay?"
"Mark has promised to escort me to my door."
Arizona gave her a tight smile. "Like I said, be careful."
Unsure exactly how to take the comment-as an innocent joke or thinly veiled jealousy-Callie just smiled back. "I love you."
"I love you, too." Giving Callie's hands one last squeeze, Arizona pushed back her chair and stood. "I've got some charts to catch up on. Are you still giving me a ride home?"
"Of course." Callie widened her smile, hoping to tease out Arizona's dimples before they parted ways. The tension that lingered between them was killing Callie. "Go be awesome, Dr. Robbins."
Arizona gave her a half-hearted smile. No dimples. "You know it."
Callie exhaled as Arizona walked away. Yeah, a break was definitely in order.
#
Nine-thirty at night and Arizona had nothing better to do than get ready for bed. Normally she would have plenty of ways to entertain herself even when Callie wasn't home, but tonight she couldn't turn her brain off long enough to do anything but stew. And stewing was exhausting. So bed it was.
Except she quickly discovered she couldn't go to sleep in her bed alone. Not with the memory of their aborted lovemaking the night before still haunting the rumpled sheets. So Arizona grabbed a pillow and blanket and headed for the couch. She would surely hear Callie come in when she got home and could follow her into the bedroom then.
This naked, unchecked need for Callie's presence embarrassed Arizona. It made her uncomfortable. No one had ever made her feel incomplete simply by not being near. Callie was the first person to leave Arizona weaker with her absence, and that scared Arizona to death. Not knowing exactly where they stood, and aware that Callie wanted to put some distance between them even just for the night, devastated Arizona. And that was humiliating.
Arizona tossed her pillow onto the couch and stretched out along the cushions, wrapping herself in her blanket. The living room was dark but the light from the foyer spilled in through the entryway, painting a broad stripe across her carpet. Arizona fought the urge to get up and illuminate the place with lamps and overhead lighting. Since the rape she'd been afraid of the dark. Something else that was rather mortifying.
Enough with feeling weak. She was a big girl-she didn't need a night light, and she didn't need Callie either. At least not every minute of every day.
Pulling her blanket to her chin, Arizona closed her eyes and tried to imagine what Callie was doing. Shots, no doubt. Probably throwing darts-she and Mark took competition to ludicrous heights. Dancing? Arizona shifted flat on her back, forcing back the twinge of jealousy the thought provoked. Callie was sex on wheels when she danced. She hated the thought of Mark Sloan grinding against her swaying hips.
Stop it. Arizona squeezed her eyes tightly closed, hating the sharp bite of resentment brought on by the thought of Mark's easy physicality with her partner. Deep in her core Arizona trusted Callie, but she certainly didn't trust Mark. Not with the choices he'd made in the past, and not with the way he still gazed at Callie sometimes. Like she was a delicious meal he couldn't stop craving.
Callie would never cheat on her, she knew that, but they were under a lot of stress right now. And Callie was wound tight with pent up sexual energy. Surely Mark would pick up on that. They would be drinking. What if he decided to make a move? Would Callie even tell her about it later, after she'd hopefully pushed him away?
"Stop," Arizona said aloud. She was being completely ridiculous. And petty. And downright immature.
Mark Sloan could do whatever he wanted. If she trusted Callie-which she did-she had to go all-in on trusting that she would handle the situation appropriately if it arose. Whether or not Arizona was currently fulfilling her needs.
"Shit," Arizona whispered. Biting her lip, she fought against the wave of sadness that threatened to sweep her away. They had been so close last night. So close. And now reestablishing their connection seemed farther away than ever.
She had to focus on Teddy's advice. Once she had a chance to talk with Callie, they would work things out. Arizona would stop holding things back. And maybe they could agree that even if they were backing off for a while, that didn't mean they couldn't start to tackle baby steps.
Like touching herself. Arizona exhaled slowly. Though she suspected she was too wound up to reach orgasm tonight, she slipped her hand into her pajama bottoms and between her parted thighs. She jerked at the rough touch of her fingers on her dry labia, wincing at the sensation. Carefully, she rubbed gentle circles over her folds, trying to generate some wetness that would turn discomfort into pleasure. She thought about Callie, about her naked curves, about the way she had tasted last night, and the memory sent a ripple of pleasure skittering down her legs.
A flash of Callie with Mark, laughing at one of his stupid jokes, grinning in that purely sexual way she had, jolted Arizona back into frustration. She had no reason to question Callie's loyalty or Mark's intentions. It was a product of her own insecurities and it was getting her nowhere fast.
She was pathetic. Damaged and overbearing and goddamn pathetic.
Arizona stopped the motion of her fingers with a disgusted sigh. But she didn't remove her hand, forcing herself to linger in the place that had been the source of so much shame the night before. It didn't escape her notice that after the trauma of having her arousal commented upon, now Arizona couldn't seem to elicit it when she wanted to. No doubt her negative feelings played a large role in keeping her dry, but part of her despaired that maybe she'd managed to screw herself up in a whole new way.
Just one more layer of dysfunction with which to burden Callie. Fantastic.
Arizona wished Teddy wasn't trapped in a marathon emergency surgery right now. She could really use another pep talk. For as positive as she'd felt earlier that day after their chat in the on-call room, Arizona was startlingly low now. And there was little chance of pulling herself out of it before Callie got home.
Sleep, Arizona told herself silently. So she concentrated on breathing-in through her nose, out through her mouth-and before she knew it, began to drift away.
That was when she became aware of a presence in the room with her. Dark and looming, full of menace, it lurked close by, drawing ever nearer. Arizona could feel its approach but for some reason she couldn't open her eyes. Not even when she felt the ghost of a hand touch her arm. She was paralyzed. Her mind fought to move her limbs, to strike out at the shadow man, but her body wouldn't obey. Fear chilled her from the inside out, it froze her marrow and turned her blood to ice. Somewhere in the back of her mind she knew what was about to happen. He was going to hurt her again. Right here in her own apartment. He would strip away all the defenses she'd rebuilt, leaving her with nothing except agony and terror and the awful certainty that she would never be whole again.
Arizona surged upward suddenly, sitting up on the couch with a scream caught in her throat. Her heart hammered in her chest as her eyes swept over her dim surroundings. She was alone. She was safe. It was just a nightmare. Sleep paralysis, maybe. A physiological reaction to stress and exhaustion, a manifestation of all her worst fears.
But it wasn't real.
"It wasn't real," Arizona whispered to herself. "Not real." Trembling, she swung her feet off the couch intending to stand and turn on the overhead light when the sound of muffled talking outside the front door stopped her in her tracks.
Callie was home.
#
Callie was drunk. As in, not sober in the most pleasant way. She had honestly planned to stop one shot before she actually did, but Mark had talked her into another just before they left Joe's and caught a cab to Arizona's place. Up until the moment they walked up the stairs and she realized how badly she was weaving down the hallway to Arizona's door, Callie hadn't realized just how intoxicated she was.
If Mark hadn't grabbed her elbow to steady her as she fumbled in her pocket for her keys, Callie would've stumbled right into the door instead of coming to a teetering halt just in front of it. "Easy there, Torres. Take your time."
"Steady as a rock," Callie said. It took every bit of her concentration to aim the key at the lock and slip it inside. "Look at that. These are the hands of a world-class surgeon right here. It'll take more than a little tequila to mess with that mojo."
"Yeah." Mark tightened his grip on her wrist as she swayed slightly. "It'll take a lot of tequila. Which is what you had."
"I want to say something to you about a pot and a kettle, but I need to concentrate on what I'm doing." Callie snickered as she clumsily disengaged the lock. "The point is, I'm not the only drunk one here."
"Guilty as charged."
Callie gave Mark a sidelong glance and grinned like an idiot. Tonight had been fun. A blast, actually. She won all three rounds of darts they played, had humiliated Mark appropriately with her gloating, and managed to keep her mind off everything having to do with Arizona's rape for at least a half hour at one point. That was a major victory. And an undeniable relief.
Even now that they were back at Arizona's apartment and she was faced with the prospect of crawling into bed beside Arizona silly drunk, Callie's spirit was as high as it had been in a while. Having the opportunity to decompress had been vital to restoring her strength and motivation to move forward tomorrow. To forge ahead beyond last night, stronger and wiser for the roadblock they'd encountered. Though she and Mark hadn't spent much time at all talking about the situation, Mark managed to make enough offhand remarks here and there to remind Callie of how her relationship with Arizona was the most important thing in her life and that she needed to do whatever it took to protect it. Being with him, the perpetual bachelor, only convinced Callie how badly she needed her relationship with Arizona to stay strong.
Who said Mark wasn't good for something?
Callie managed to turn the knob with a whoop of triumph. "I did it."
"You unlocked the door. Rock star, indeed."
Pushing open the door, Callie took an unsteady step inside as she turned to toss what she hoped would be a snappy retort over her shoulder. The abrupt movement was too much for her impaired brain to handle, and Callie's feet tangled beneath her and she fell forward in what seemed like slow motion. Mark's hands shot out to catch her. He managed to keep them on their feet even as he drunkenly lost his balance and sent them crashing against the open door.
"Shh," Callie said in an exaggerated whisper. She bit her lip to hold back her laughter, not wanting to wake Arizona. Especially not when she and Mark were in such a precarious position. Her back was to the door and his body pressed flush against hers. In his effort to break their fall, he had braced one hand on the door next to her head, while the other had managed to come to rest just over her breast.
Mark cleared his throat even as he pushed his hips into hers. Callie knew him well enough to suspect that the motion was likely unconscious. "You did that on purpose."
Planting both hands against Mark's chest, Callie shoved him away with a snort of laughter. "Did not." Aware that his groping had been unintentional, Callie was amused rather than annoyed. Honestly, she couldn't help but feel a slight thrill at the contact. Being with Mark was so simple, so easy. There was no fear of frightening him or setting him off. It was what it was. Effortless. "I think you did it on purpose."
"No way." Mark ran a hand through his hair and leered. "But I liked it."
Drunk or not, Callie had enough sense to know it was time to call it a night. "Thanks for hanging out with me, Mark. I had fun."
"So did I." Mark punched her lightly on the arm, once again every inch her platonic buddy. She appreciated his ability to read her signals and respect her limits. "Let's do it again before another month goes by."
"Count on it." Callie stepped backward into the apartment, sending him off with a small wave. "Be safe getting home."
"I'll be fine as long as you're not there to push me down."
"Whatever. Good night." Callie grinned and eased the door shut. Then she startled as the room flooded with light. Whirling around, she smiled instinctively at the sight of Arizona standing behind her. "Hey, querida. You're still up." It took a few silent beats for Callie to notice Arizona trembling. At first she thought it was fear. Then as she studied Arizona's face, she realized it was anger. "Everything okay?"
"I can't believe you, Calliope." Arizona folded her arms tightly over her chest. "Should I be worried?"
Confusion wiped the last remnants of Callie's smile from her face. The disdain in Arizona's eyes signaled that Callie should probably know what she was talking about, but for the life of her, she had no idea. All of a sudden Callie wished her head wasn't so fuzzy. "Worried about what?"
"Drunken evenings with Mark Sloan." Dressed in her rainbows-and-unicorns pajamas, Arizona was both adorable and intimidating as she stared Callie down. "My partner getting felt up by her ex-boy toy at my front door."
The heated accusation in Arizona's tone sobered Callie considerably. "Excuse me?"
"Oh, please. He was ready to fuck you up against the door." Arizona glowered, every inch the jealous girlfriend. "And for a minute there I thought you were going to let him."
Alcohol dimmed the pain of Arizona's cutting remark, but only slightly. "Now wait just a goddamn second . We're drunk. I tripped over my feet and took Mark with me. Yeah, his hand touched my breast. So what?"
"So what?" Arizona turned her face away as though she couldn't stand to look at Callie. "Really? That's all you've got to say? Mark Sloan dry humped me against your door and so what, Arizona?" Swallowing, Arizona croaked, "You make me sick."
Callie's mouth dropped open as she tried to catch up with the conversation she suddenly found herself having. Mark's flirtation may have exceeded Arizona's comfort zone, but Callie couldn't decide why she deserved the vitriol Arizona spat her way. She hadn't done anything wrong. And she was too intoxicated to deal with such juvenile bullshit.
Not sure what else to do, Callie decided to take the bait. "Well, you tell me, Arizona. Should I be worried?"
"I've never given you a reason to worry."
"Oh, really?" Callie stalked closer, ignoring the way Arizona shrunk back as she narrowed the distance between them. "Holing up in on-call rooms with Teddy Altman? Telling her all those things you can't tell me?"
Arizona's stony gaze sent a chill down Callie's spine. "That's not fair."
"You're right," Callie said. "It's not. Neither is accusing me of fucking Mark Sloan."
"I didn't say you fucked him." Arizona's face darkened. "But you sure as hell didn't push him away very fast."
This. This was exactly the kind of drama Callie hadn't wanted tonight. This was what she had been trying to escape. But instead of getting away, she had only managed to make it worse. Sighing, Callie pressed a hand to her forehead. "Arizona, I'm drunk. Too drunk to deal with your hysterical bullshit right now. So I'll give you two choices. Either we go to bed and talk about this when I'm sober and you've calmed down, or else I can call a cab and go home. It's your choice. All I know is that I don't have the energy to argue with you tonight. Not again."
Something indefinable passed over Arizona's face. "Go home, huh? Is that what you want? Maybe you can call Mark and have him turn his cab around. You guys can share a ride."
Callie blinked. "Fuck you, Arizona. Okay? Just tell me-should I go back to my apartment or should I stay here?"
Arizona turned her back on Callie and walked to her bedroom door, cutting the light off as she passed. "You might as well stay here. There's a pillow and a blanket on the couch. Knock yourself out."
Too exhausted to keep the argument going, Callie also didn't have the energy to make good on her threat to leave. "Fine. Great. Thanks." She stomped to the couch and sat, kicking off her shoes then tugging off her jeans. Flinching when Arizona slammed the bedroom door shut, Callie maneuvered beneath her shirt and unhooked her bra.
Annoyed that she was stuck sleeping on the couch for no reason other than Arizona's irrational jealousy, Callie flopped back onto the cushions and covered herself with the blanket. Her heart thumped erratically in her chest, reacting to the adrenaline unleashed both by her close encounter with Mark and the anger she felt at Arizona.
Sure, Mark was a flirt. And sometimes Callie flirted back. But she had never given Arizona a reason to doubt her loyalty. Ever. In fact, she was pretty damn sure she deserved some kind of girlfriend of the year award. The last twenty-four hours notwithstanding.
"Whatever," Callie muttered to herself. "It doesn't matter."
But it did. Arizona's suspicion and rage cut Callie deeply, chasing away the last traces of peace she had found tonight. She wasn't sure anyone had ever hurt her as deeply as Arizona just had. Not George when he had cheated with Izzie. Not even Erica when she'd just walked away without saying goodbye. Having Arizona accuse her of being unfaithful even in spirit probably wasn't even in the same league as those things, but her feelings for Arizona went so much deeper than what she had felt for George or Erica. So it didn't take nearly as much for Callie to feel as though her heart had been ripped out and stomped upon.
What made it really unbearable was the knowledge that there had been that moment at the door-alcohol-fuelled though it was-when Callie had yearned for the ease of being with a man like Mark again. When she'd craved the simplicity of being able to touch someone without second-guessing herself or worrying that she might frighten her lover. It didn't mean she didn't love Arizona, or that she wasn't dedicated to working through all their issues together-it was just a moment of weakness when she'd wished that things could be easy again.
Maybe that was a betrayal. Maybe she deserved Arizona's anger.
Callie opened her eyes then gasped quietly when she saw Arizona kneeling beside the couch, already reaching for her. She hadn't even heard the bedroom door open again.
Arizona jerked in surprise. Then she put her hand on Callie's arm. "Please come to bed with me."
Almost afraid to move, Callie blinked as she tried to decide what to say. "I would never cheat on you, Arizona. I don't care what you saw just now."
"I know." Arizona curled her fingers around Callie's bicep, then rested her face on Callie's breast. Closing her eyes, she whispered, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have accused you."
Tentatively, Callie combed her fingers through Arizona's hair. Encouraged when Arizona didn't stiffen beneath her touch, Callie scratched lightly at her scalp. "Why did you?"
Arizona shrugged. "I had a bad night. Woke up from a nightmare literally moments before you two came through the door…" She shrugged again. "There's no excuse. You're right. You've never given me a reason to doubt you."
"But you still do."
Sitting up, Arizona's eyes glistened in the dimness of the room. "No, I'm doubting myself. My ability to make you happy. To give you what you need."
"Don't." Maybe going out tonight-of all nights-hadn't been such a great idea after all. They had just weathered one of their most trying moments together in bed twenty-four hours ago, and they really hadn't even talked it through yet. Leaving Arizona alone to worry and wonder about where her flashback had left them while she slammed tequila with her ex-lover suddenly seemed just a bit insensitive. "I'm sorry I wasn't here for you tonight, darling. I should have been."
Arizona shook her head quickly then stood. She offered Callie a hand, hauling her to her feet. Grabbing the pillow in one fist and the blanket in the other, Arizona walked toward the bedroom. She glanced over her shoulder as though making sure Callie would follow. "I'm a big girl, Calliope. It wasn't a huge deal."
Callie caught Arizona's hand as they walked into the bedroom. "Tonight it was. I'm sorry."
"Stop being so perfect." Arizona smiled, softening her words. "All it does is make me feel even more screwed up in comparison."
Taking the pillow and blanket from Arizona, Callie tossed them on the bed. Then she caught Arizona by the wrist and pulled her into a tight embrace. "You're not screwed up."
Arizona snorted sadly. "That's awfully nice of you to say."
"You're not." Callie kissed the crown of her head, inhaling deeply so she could savor the light scent of Arizona's shampoo. Her hands roamed easily over Arizona's curves, freed from Callie's normal inhibitions by the buzz she still had going on. After last night her natural inclination would be to suppress her attraction to Arizona, but instinctively she knew that was the wrong thing to do. The way Arizona leaned into her touch with a murmured exhalation was all the confirmation Callie needed. "We're going to get through this, Arizona. You'll see."
Nodding, Arizona threw her arms around Callie's neck and held on tight. "I hope so."
There was no doubt in Callie's mind. They had to. "We will."
To be continued…
Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Rating: NC-17
Summary: When Arizona is attacked in the parking lot of Seattle Grace, everything changes...and her relationship with Callie is put to the test.
Content Warning
This story deals with the topic of rape and recovery. I am rating it a hard M for graphic depictions of rape, violence, and, eventually, consensual sex.
I would never write about rape frivolously, nor to titillate. There's a lot of fan fiction out there that deals with sexual assault in all manner of ways, many of them distasteful. The last thing I want to do is add to the litany of "rapefic" that traumatizes beloved characters for the sake of creating a juicy story.
At the same time, rape and sexual assault is a reality. As such, I believe it is a legitimate subject for fiction, especially when the focus is not so much on the physical act but on the psychological repercussions, the aftershocks such an event can unleash in a survivor's life.
If the frank depiction of rape and the pain of recovery (physical, emotional, and sexual) is likely to trigger or otherwise upset you, I would honestly give this story a pass. I don't plan on pulling any punches. I do plan on handling this the most respectful way I know how.
CHAPTER ELEVEN
The next morning, Arizona startled out of deep thought at a knock on the door of the on-call room she had locked herself inside. She grabbed the knob, then hesitated. "Yeah?"
"It's me."
Arizona unlocked the door then pulled it open, moving aside to let Teddy through. "Hey, you."
Teddy put her hand on Arizona's arm, squeezing as she stepped inside. "Is it pathetic if I admit this is the first time I've ever been paged to an on-call room?"
Arizona managed a small smile. Glancing into the hallway, she was relieved to find nobody paying any attention to Teddy's arrival. She could only imagine how the rumor mill might spin this meeting. Closing the door, she said, "Unfortunately, I can't promise much of a good time."
"What's wrong?" Teddy frowned, fidgeting with her ever-present stethoscope. "Did something happen?"
All morning Arizona told herself she would stay strong for this conversation. Damn Teddy for being so freaking sweet. Arizona's chin quivered as she whispered, "I screwed up."
Compassion softened Teddy's features. "Oh, sweetie." She sat on a bunk and patted the spot next to her. "Tell me what's going on."
Arizona locked the door and sat beside Teddy, grateful for her warm presence. Though she and Callie had fallen asleep holding hands the night before-and she had woken up this morning nestled in Callie's arms-things had been noticeably strained since their failed attempt at lovemaking. Callie was scared and frustrated and clearly saddened to have triggered Arizona, while Arizona burned with guilt, shame and sorrow. Though she trusted that they would eventually repair what last night had damaged, Arizona had spent the day thus far feeling devastatingly alone.
That is, until Teddy walked through the door.
"I tried making love with Calliope last night." Arizona searched Teddy for a reaction. Did she also think Arizona had been foolish to push so hard, so quickly? "It…didn't go as well as I'd hoped."
"I doubt it's ever easy the first time." Teddy slipped her arm around Arizona's back. "That doesn't mean you screwed anything up. It's not your fault."
Not her fault. Callie had said the same thing, but Arizona knew that wasn't true. "Yeah, it was. It was definitely my fault."
"How?"
Arizona covered her eyes with her hand as her humiliation flooded back full force. "There was something about the rape I didn't tell Calliope-something I hadn't told anyone-and she triggered that memory for me. Right after she started touching me. And I freaked."
"I'm so sorry, Arizona. I know that must have been scary."
"Yeah," Arizona whispered. "It wasn't good."
"Is Callie okay?" Teddy's voice was gentle. Non-judgmental. But full of genuine concern.
Cringing, Arizona looked at the floor. "She said I made her feel like a rapist."
Teddy went very still. "Are you okay?"
"I don't know." Arizona's jaw chattered as her emotion rose. "I've never felt so horrible in my life. The hurt in her eyes, the pain…she's done nothing but try and be everything I need. Whenever I need it. And I all but doomed her to failure by keeping secrets."
"I'm sure you had your reasons for not telling her."
Arizona shook her head. "I was ashamed. Embarrassed. But I should have realized that it could come back to haunt me. It wasn't fair to ask Calliope to try having sex without telling her how not to frighten me."
"You didn't know." Teddy rubbed her hand over Arizona's back briskly, giving her an affectionate pat. "Now you do. Is Callie still upset with you?"
Shrugging, Arizona murmured, "I don't think she's angry anymore. But she's upset, of course. She was hesitant to have sex in the first place. Thought I was pushing too hard." She bit her lip, glad for the pain. "I guess she was right."
"Hey, pushing yourself isn't always a bad thing. It's gotten you this far."
Where was that? Before last night, Arizona had been confident about the progress she'd made. Now the wind had been taken out of her sails. "She said I should have thought of her. Of how she'd feel if it didn't work. And she's right. I wasn't really thinking about her. I mean, I was thinking about the fact that I knew she was horny and I wanted to give her what she needed. But mostly I was thinking about how badly I wanted things to get back to normal."
"I know it may not feel like it right now, but you haven't lost any ground you can't make up." Teddy projected quiet strength, which was exactly what Arizona needed today. She leaned against Teddy's side and soaked up her positive energy. Slowly but surely, Arizona's despair melted away. "You just need to go back to the basics. Start small, work up to the big stuff."
It was exactly the advice Teddy had given her weeks ago-advice that Arizona had managed to forget in her impatience to heal. "Baby steps."
"Exactly."
Arizona wanted to smack herself. For a while she had been totally focused on moving slowly, and things had improved steadily. Then she'd gotten in the shower with Callie and promptly lost control of her desire to reconnect. Baby steps had gone by the wayside. "You're so right." Arizona exhaled. "Damn it. Why did I push us so hard?"
"Because that's who you are. You push yourself in everything you do. That's why you're a great surgeon."
"Yeah. And a horrible partner." Arizona took a deep breath as a fresh wave of guilt crashed over her. "You should have seen her, Teddy. She was terrified. I did that to her."
"Cut yourself some slack," Teddy said. "This whole situation new for you. You're still learning how to navigate it. And so is Callie. Last night was a reality check, sure, but it doesn't make you horrible."
"It did make me realize that I need to protect Calliope just as much as she's been protecting me." As embarrassing as it was to admit, Arizona hadn't really understood that until Callie's show of anger after her flashback. "That I'm not the only one struggling with what happened."
"So maybe it was good, then. Even if it was a painful way to learn that lesson." Teddy gave her one last squeeze. "Callie loves you so much. I know she forgives you."
"How is it you always know exactly what to say to make me feel better?"
"Because I'm awesome." Teddy gave her a shit-eating grin. "Obviously."
Arizona returned her smile without thinking. "Obviously."
Teddy's grin softened. "Can I ask you a personal question?"
"Of course." Arizona prepared herself for the worst, but hoped Teddy wouldn't ask what secret she had kept from Callie. She really didn't want to rehash it. Not even with her best friend.
"Have you touched yourself sexually?" Teddy looked only slightly embarrassed to ask. "Since the attack?"
The question was straightforward and direct, taking Arizona totally by surprise. "Uh. No. I haven't."
"But before…" Teddy asked gently. "Is that something you did?"
"Yes." Nervous laughter bubbled up from Arizona's throat. "Wow, I've never been shy about that before."
"No need to be shy." Teddy gave her a sheepish grin. "I'm something of an expert in the subject."
Teddy's confession dispelled Arizona's discomfort. "Me too. But not since it happened, no. I, uh…I explored a little in the shower the other day. Not with a goal in mind, though. Just…touching.""
"Think about starting there." Teddy nudged her with her shoulder. "Get comfortable making yourself feel good first. Then you can go to Callie with more confidence. Hell, you could even let Callie watch you touch yourself. That would be fun."
Arizona raised an approving eyebrow. "Look at you."
"Yeah, well…" Teddy rolled her eyes. "Like I said, I have plenty of solo experience. That leaves a girl with a lot of time to think."
Laughing felt good. So good, in fact, that Arizona's spirits lifted considerably. She and Callie still had plenty to work out, but Teddy had just shown her a path to get there. "You are awesome."
"Stop." Teddy laughed. "We're having a regular mutual admiration society meeting in here, huh?"
Arizona dried the last of her tears, straightening her shoulders. "You know it."
"Ready to adjourn?"
"Yeah, I've got an appy in an hour." Arizona glanced at her watch. "Make that fifty minutes."
"Keep your head up, Dr. Robbins. Setbacks happen. But you and Callie will work through anything that comes up. That's one thing I know for sure."
Arizona sprung to her feet, energized to address the issue head on. There wasn't any time to talk to Callie now, but it was clear they had a lot to discuss. Not only did Arizona want to apologize again-to reiterate that she understood Callie was working through her own set of challenges, and would be more sensitive to that in the future-but she also wanted to let Callie know what she and Teddy had just talked about. As contrary to her nature as it was, Arizona was determined to let Callie inside on absolutely everything from now on, even at the risk of oversharing. She needed to make this relationship with Callie work. If that meant communicating in a way she never had with previous girlfriends, Arizona was happy to do it.
She never wanted to make that same mistake of omission again.
"We will get through this," Arizona said. In past relationships she never would have trusted something like that. But Callie was different. She was the possibility of forever. "You're right."
"I've never been so sure of two people in my life," Teddy said. "Seriously. This will only make you stronger."
Arizona liked the thought. "I hope so."
"Hey." Teddy gripped her arm as they approached the door, before Arizona could open it. "You're already stronger."
Despite everything, Arizona believed her.
#
Callie flipped through a patient's chart without really looking. She had just finished a shoulder arthoscopy and had a knee replacement in two hours, but between surgeries there was nothing to do but dwell on what had happened with Arizona the night before. All day so far she had been walking around numb, feeling disconnected from her body and wholly unlike herself. Like a stranger in a Callie suit.
She'd never experienced anything like what happened in bed with Arizona, and it haunted her. Nearly all her past lovers had been male, every last one of them fully participatory in bed. Never had Callie felt like she was touching someone when it wasn't wanted. When Arizona had frozen on top of her, when she had gasped for Callie to stop, the fear and disgust in Arizona's eyes triggered a wave of intense shame unlike anything Callie had ever known.
She felt like dirt. Lower than dirt. Though she shouldn't have said it to Arizona, especially in anger, Callie had meant what she'd said in the immediate aftermath-it made her feel like a rapist.
Knowing that her hand and her words had taken Arizona to such a dark place was almost too much to bear. Callie loved Arizona with everything inside her and never wanted to be a source of pain. Every moment of every day since Arizona's rape had been about not scaring her-about helping her heal-and last night had unraveled all her efforts so far. If only Arizona hadn't insisted she was ready for something she didn't even trust Callie enough to talk about.
Sighing, Callie flipped her chart closed just as Arizona emerged from the on-call room down the hall. Arizona had a smile on her face and Callie nearly smiled back, until she noticed Teddy trailing behind. Callie's smile faded.
It wasn't that Callie had a specific problem with Teddy. Honestly, she was glad Arizona had such a close friend, especially one with some idea what she was going through. Someone she could trust. But the thing was, Callie wanted to be that person. She wanted to be the one who made Arizona smile, who got summoned to an on-call room for whatever reason. Instead she was the one who triggered memories of the worst night of Arizona's life. The one Arizona was too embarrassed to talk to. Things with Teddy were all sunshine and rainbows, it seemed-Teddy had none of the hard work in Arizona's recovery, so she got to be the superhero. And Callie was the villain.
Callie hated being jealous. But that didn't mean she wasn't.
"You're not seriously worried about Teddy Altman, are you?" Callie jumped at the sound of Mark's voice next to her ear, then straightened, feigning indifference. "Trust me, she loves penis. A lot."
Callie wrinkled her nose. "I'm really not in the mood, Mark."
"For penis? No, you haven't been in that mood for a while, have you?" Despite his words, Mark wore a sober expression. "What's wrong, Callie? Everything okay?"
Callie shrugged and pushed off the counter, walking down the hall in the direction Arizona had disappeared. "Everything's fine."
Mark grabbed her elbow and pulled her to a stop in front of the on-call room. "Don't make me drag you in there and force you to tell me what's got you so upset."
There was no way she was talking to Mark about this in the hallway. Or anywhere else they might be overheard. Knowing that she was rolling the dice as far as sparking rumors that would undoubtedly hurt Arizona deeply, Callie opened the on-call room door and stomped inside. Mark followed, closing the door behind them.
"I, uh, kinda didn't expect you to do that." Mark folded his arms over his chest and leaned against the door, looking like he wasn't sure what to do next. "Is Robbins going to kick my ass for sneaking off to an on-call room with you?"
Callie paced back and forth, desperate to calm down. She didn't particularly want to share what had happened with Arizona, but she felt like she might burst if she didn't get it out. Calling Addison was probably a better idea. But Mark was here in front of her, and no matter what Addison and Arizona thought, he was actually a damn good friend. He always made her feel better.
Decision made, Callie said, "We tried having sex last night."
Mark's eyes widened, as though he was slightly alarmed she was actually opening up. "Tried?"
"And failed."
"Ah." Mark gave her a sympathetic grimace. "What happened?"
"I triggered her." Horrified, Callie could feel her eyes well with tears. "I did something that made her think of that night, and she asked me to stop, so I did. But it scared me to death. I could see in her eyes that for a moment, at least, it wasn't me in bed with her. It was that man."
"Damn," Mark muttered softly. "I'm sorry, Callie. I really am."
Callie shook her head and kept up her pacing. "The frustrating part is that she could have warned me not to do what I did. I had no idea I was saying something that would upset her, because she didn't tell me that part. If I'd known…" She muttered in Spanish then quickly translated for Mark. "I wouldn't have done that."
"Are you okay?" Uncharacteristically tender, Mark took a step closer but didn't touch her. "That must have sucked. I'm sorry."
"It did suck. So much that I yelled at her about making me feel like a rapist." Stopping abruptly with her back to Mark, Callie cringed at the memory of throwing her favorite T-shirt at Arizona, spiteful and enraged. "She was naked and frightened and I knew she didn't do it on purpose, but I got so mad." Callie lowered her voice to a whisper. "I knew we weren't ready to have sex. That I wasn't ready. Partially because I suspected she wasn't either. But she insisted and all I wanted was for her to have the control. So I went along. But I should have told her it was too soon. Then maybe it wouldn't have happened."
"Geez, Torres. Give yourself a break, okay?" When Callie turned, her throat tightened at the kind crinkle of Mark's eyes. "You let her set the pace. You trusted her to know what she could handle, and she didn't give you fair warning about what was off-limits. There's nothing more you could have done." Mark tugged Callie into a loose embrace. "You've been a trooper during this whole thing. Now it's time to ease up on yourself. I don't blame you for getting angry. You felt like a monster, and you're only human."
A powerful rush of relief nearly took Callie's legs out from beneath her. For whatever reason, his understanding meant everything. Mark's arms tightened around her middle, keeping her on her feet. "I'm just so tired, Mark. I want a break. I need a break. But then I feel like an asshole for even thinking that way, because it's not like Arizona gets to take a break from this. She has to live with what happened every day."
"So do you." Mark squeezed her gently. "And you deserve a break. Why don't you let me take you out for drinks after work? Give you a chance to unwind?"
It was so tempting, but Callie wasn't sure how Arizona would feel about her running off for drinks with Mark Sloan. Especially when things between them were still shaky. "I don't know. Last night was pretty intense and we've barely had time to talk about it-"
"Take a rest from the talking for just a few hours. I'm sure Arizona will understand." Drawing back, Mark met her eyes. "She's been hanging out with Teddy, right? Running and all that?"
"Yeah."
"Well, then…this is no different. You're entitled to your own chance to let off some steam."
There was something amusing about hearing Mark so perfectly echo Addison's advice of a few weeks back-advice that Callie so far hadn't followed. "Maybe you're right."
"I usually am." Mark flashed his trademark mega-watt grin. "Tell blondie I'll escort you home safely by midnight at the latest. We'll do some shots, I'll kick your ass at darts, and we'll get your mind off everything else. I'm willing to bet everything will seem less overwhelming in the morning."
That was an offer Callie couldn't refuse. "Okay. I'll ask Arizona if she minds."
"No. Tell her you need a break. She'll understand."
Callie desperately hoped so-but she had a feeling it wouldn't be that easy.
#
"Tonight? Really?"
Callie kept a smile plastered on her face even as Arizona's mouth turned down at the corners. Clearly Mark's prediction about Arizona's level of understanding had been optimistic. "I haven't hung out with Mark in weeks," Callie said. "And today has been crazy with surgeries. I could really use some bar time-just to relax a little. You know. And get away."
A flicker of hurt passed over Arizona's face but disappeared quickly. "I understand, Calliope. It's just…tonight. After…last night." Glancing around the cafeteria at the doctors and nurses seated at the tables surrounding them, Arizona lowered her voice. "I thought maybe we could talk. About what happened. About where we go from here."
The idea of another emotionally intense evening left Callie completely drained. And suddenly desperate for a drink. Or two. "Can't we do it tomorrow? We're both off early. I can make a nice dinner and we'll talk about anything you want."
Searching Callie's eyes, Arizona said, "Okay. If you need some time away, I understand. I just…" Her gaze flicked over to a pair of nurses who huddled together and pretended not to watch them. "I want to make sure you're not avoiding me because of what happened."
"Of course not." Callie placed her hand on Arizona's, threading their fingers gently. She kept her face neutral, not wanting Arizona to see that there was some truth to her worry. "I love you, darling. I love spending time with you. But I've been totally neglecting my friends. My social life." Trying to keep the jealousy out of her voice, she said, "You've got Teddy, which is great. Really great. Let me have Mark. Just for tonight."
Arizona wrinkled her nose. "With pleasure."
"And tomorrow I'm all yours."
Nodding, Arizona stared at the tabletop. "Of course. That's fine."
Caught between regret and defiance at Arizona's obvious disappointment, Callie said, "If you really don't want me to go, I won't. But I feel like I've earned a night off." Arizona's eyelids fluttered rapidly and Callie realized too late how her words would surely sting. Wincing, she murmured, "I didn't mean it like that."
"No, I get it." Arizona shook her head and looked away, toward the door. "You have earned it. And I'm sorry to be so needy. That's unattractive. I know that."
"You are never unattractive." Callie covered their joined fingers with her other hand, rubbing circles until Arizona returned her attention to Callie's face. "We're just both under a lot of stress. That's all."
"You're right." Arizona took a deep breath and appeared to relax marginally. But it seemed more like she was putting on a brave face than truly at peace with Callie's plans. "We are. And you're also right that you're due to have some fun."
Genuine or not, Callie would take it. "I'll be home by midnight."
"Be careful, okay?"
"Mark has promised to escort me to my door."
Arizona gave her a tight smile. "Like I said, be careful."
Unsure exactly how to take the comment-as an innocent joke or thinly veiled jealousy-Callie just smiled back. "I love you."
"I love you, too." Giving Callie's hands one last squeeze, Arizona pushed back her chair and stood. "I've got some charts to catch up on. Are you still giving me a ride home?"
"Of course." Callie widened her smile, hoping to tease out Arizona's dimples before they parted ways. The tension that lingered between them was killing Callie. "Go be awesome, Dr. Robbins."
Arizona gave her a half-hearted smile. No dimples. "You know it."
Callie exhaled as Arizona walked away. Yeah, a break was definitely in order.
#
Nine-thirty at night and Arizona had nothing better to do than get ready for bed. Normally she would have plenty of ways to entertain herself even when Callie wasn't home, but tonight she couldn't turn her brain off long enough to do anything but stew. And stewing was exhausting. So bed it was.
Except she quickly discovered she couldn't go to sleep in her bed alone. Not with the memory of their aborted lovemaking the night before still haunting the rumpled sheets. So Arizona grabbed a pillow and blanket and headed for the couch. She would surely hear Callie come in when she got home and could follow her into the bedroom then.
This naked, unchecked need for Callie's presence embarrassed Arizona. It made her uncomfortable. No one had ever made her feel incomplete simply by not being near. Callie was the first person to leave Arizona weaker with her absence, and that scared Arizona to death. Not knowing exactly where they stood, and aware that Callie wanted to put some distance between them even just for the night, devastated Arizona. And that was humiliating.
Arizona tossed her pillow onto the couch and stretched out along the cushions, wrapping herself in her blanket. The living room was dark but the light from the foyer spilled in through the entryway, painting a broad stripe across her carpet. Arizona fought the urge to get up and illuminate the place with lamps and overhead lighting. Since the rape she'd been afraid of the dark. Something else that was rather mortifying.
Enough with feeling weak. She was a big girl-she didn't need a night light, and she didn't need Callie either. At least not every minute of every day.
Pulling her blanket to her chin, Arizona closed her eyes and tried to imagine what Callie was doing. Shots, no doubt. Probably throwing darts-she and Mark took competition to ludicrous heights. Dancing? Arizona shifted flat on her back, forcing back the twinge of jealousy the thought provoked. Callie was sex on wheels when she danced. She hated the thought of Mark Sloan grinding against her swaying hips.
Stop it. Arizona squeezed her eyes tightly closed, hating the sharp bite of resentment brought on by the thought of Mark's easy physicality with her partner. Deep in her core Arizona trusted Callie, but she certainly didn't trust Mark. Not with the choices he'd made in the past, and not with the way he still gazed at Callie sometimes. Like she was a delicious meal he couldn't stop craving.
Callie would never cheat on her, she knew that, but they were under a lot of stress right now. And Callie was wound tight with pent up sexual energy. Surely Mark would pick up on that. They would be drinking. What if he decided to make a move? Would Callie even tell her about it later, after she'd hopefully pushed him away?
"Stop," Arizona said aloud. She was being completely ridiculous. And petty. And downright immature.
Mark Sloan could do whatever he wanted. If she trusted Callie-which she did-she had to go all-in on trusting that she would handle the situation appropriately if it arose. Whether or not Arizona was currently fulfilling her needs.
"Shit," Arizona whispered. Biting her lip, she fought against the wave of sadness that threatened to sweep her away. They had been so close last night. So close. And now reestablishing their connection seemed farther away than ever.
She had to focus on Teddy's advice. Once she had a chance to talk with Callie, they would work things out. Arizona would stop holding things back. And maybe they could agree that even if they were backing off for a while, that didn't mean they couldn't start to tackle baby steps.
Like touching herself. Arizona exhaled slowly. Though she suspected she was too wound up to reach orgasm tonight, she slipped her hand into her pajama bottoms and between her parted thighs. She jerked at the rough touch of her fingers on her dry labia, wincing at the sensation. Carefully, she rubbed gentle circles over her folds, trying to generate some wetness that would turn discomfort into pleasure. She thought about Callie, about her naked curves, about the way she had tasted last night, and the memory sent a ripple of pleasure skittering down her legs.
A flash of Callie with Mark, laughing at one of his stupid jokes, grinning in that purely sexual way she had, jolted Arizona back into frustration. She had no reason to question Callie's loyalty or Mark's intentions. It was a product of her own insecurities and it was getting her nowhere fast.
She was pathetic. Damaged and overbearing and goddamn pathetic.
Arizona stopped the motion of her fingers with a disgusted sigh. But she didn't remove her hand, forcing herself to linger in the place that had been the source of so much shame the night before. It didn't escape her notice that after the trauma of having her arousal commented upon, now Arizona couldn't seem to elicit it when she wanted to. No doubt her negative feelings played a large role in keeping her dry, but part of her despaired that maybe she'd managed to screw herself up in a whole new way.
Just one more layer of dysfunction with which to burden Callie. Fantastic.
Arizona wished Teddy wasn't trapped in a marathon emergency surgery right now. She could really use another pep talk. For as positive as she'd felt earlier that day after their chat in the on-call room, Arizona was startlingly low now. And there was little chance of pulling herself out of it before Callie got home.
Sleep, Arizona told herself silently. So she concentrated on breathing-in through her nose, out through her mouth-and before she knew it, began to drift away.
That was when she became aware of a presence in the room with her. Dark and looming, full of menace, it lurked close by, drawing ever nearer. Arizona could feel its approach but for some reason she couldn't open her eyes. Not even when she felt the ghost of a hand touch her arm. She was paralyzed. Her mind fought to move her limbs, to strike out at the shadow man, but her body wouldn't obey. Fear chilled her from the inside out, it froze her marrow and turned her blood to ice. Somewhere in the back of her mind she knew what was about to happen. He was going to hurt her again. Right here in her own apartment. He would strip away all the defenses she'd rebuilt, leaving her with nothing except agony and terror and the awful certainty that she would never be whole again.
Arizona surged upward suddenly, sitting up on the couch with a scream caught in her throat. Her heart hammered in her chest as her eyes swept over her dim surroundings. She was alone. She was safe. It was just a nightmare. Sleep paralysis, maybe. A physiological reaction to stress and exhaustion, a manifestation of all her worst fears.
But it wasn't real.
"It wasn't real," Arizona whispered to herself. "Not real." Trembling, she swung her feet off the couch intending to stand and turn on the overhead light when the sound of muffled talking outside the front door stopped her in her tracks.
Callie was home.
#
Callie was drunk. As in, not sober in the most pleasant way. She had honestly planned to stop one shot before she actually did, but Mark had talked her into another just before they left Joe's and caught a cab to Arizona's place. Up until the moment they walked up the stairs and she realized how badly she was weaving down the hallway to Arizona's door, Callie hadn't realized just how intoxicated she was.
If Mark hadn't grabbed her elbow to steady her as she fumbled in her pocket for her keys, Callie would've stumbled right into the door instead of coming to a teetering halt just in front of it. "Easy there, Torres. Take your time."
"Steady as a rock," Callie said. It took every bit of her concentration to aim the key at the lock and slip it inside. "Look at that. These are the hands of a world-class surgeon right here. It'll take more than a little tequila to mess with that mojo."
"Yeah." Mark tightened his grip on her wrist as she swayed slightly. "It'll take a lot of tequila. Which is what you had."
"I want to say something to you about a pot and a kettle, but I need to concentrate on what I'm doing." Callie snickered as she clumsily disengaged the lock. "The point is, I'm not the only drunk one here."
"Guilty as charged."
Callie gave Mark a sidelong glance and grinned like an idiot. Tonight had been fun. A blast, actually. She won all three rounds of darts they played, had humiliated Mark appropriately with her gloating, and managed to keep her mind off everything having to do with Arizona's rape for at least a half hour at one point. That was a major victory. And an undeniable relief.
Even now that they were back at Arizona's apartment and she was faced with the prospect of crawling into bed beside Arizona silly drunk, Callie's spirit was as high as it had been in a while. Having the opportunity to decompress had been vital to restoring her strength and motivation to move forward tomorrow. To forge ahead beyond last night, stronger and wiser for the roadblock they'd encountered. Though she and Mark hadn't spent much time at all talking about the situation, Mark managed to make enough offhand remarks here and there to remind Callie of how her relationship with Arizona was the most important thing in her life and that she needed to do whatever it took to protect it. Being with him, the perpetual bachelor, only convinced Callie how badly she needed her relationship with Arizona to stay strong.
Who said Mark wasn't good for something?
Callie managed to turn the knob with a whoop of triumph. "I did it."
"You unlocked the door. Rock star, indeed."
Pushing open the door, Callie took an unsteady step inside as she turned to toss what she hoped would be a snappy retort over her shoulder. The abrupt movement was too much for her impaired brain to handle, and Callie's feet tangled beneath her and she fell forward in what seemed like slow motion. Mark's hands shot out to catch her. He managed to keep them on their feet even as he drunkenly lost his balance and sent them crashing against the open door.
"Shh," Callie said in an exaggerated whisper. She bit her lip to hold back her laughter, not wanting to wake Arizona. Especially not when she and Mark were in such a precarious position. Her back was to the door and his body pressed flush against hers. In his effort to break their fall, he had braced one hand on the door next to her head, while the other had managed to come to rest just over her breast.
Mark cleared his throat even as he pushed his hips into hers. Callie knew him well enough to suspect that the motion was likely unconscious. "You did that on purpose."
Planting both hands against Mark's chest, Callie shoved him away with a snort of laughter. "Did not." Aware that his groping had been unintentional, Callie was amused rather than annoyed. Honestly, she couldn't help but feel a slight thrill at the contact. Being with Mark was so simple, so easy. There was no fear of frightening him or setting him off. It was what it was. Effortless. "I think you did it on purpose."
"No way." Mark ran a hand through his hair and leered. "But I liked it."
Drunk or not, Callie had enough sense to know it was time to call it a night. "Thanks for hanging out with me, Mark. I had fun."
"So did I." Mark punched her lightly on the arm, once again every inch her platonic buddy. She appreciated his ability to read her signals and respect her limits. "Let's do it again before another month goes by."
"Count on it." Callie stepped backward into the apartment, sending him off with a small wave. "Be safe getting home."
"I'll be fine as long as you're not there to push me down."
"Whatever. Good night." Callie grinned and eased the door shut. Then she startled as the room flooded with light. Whirling around, she smiled instinctively at the sight of Arizona standing behind her. "Hey, querida. You're still up." It took a few silent beats for Callie to notice Arizona trembling. At first she thought it was fear. Then as she studied Arizona's face, she realized it was anger. "Everything okay?"
"I can't believe you, Calliope." Arizona folded her arms tightly over her chest. "Should I be worried?"
Confusion wiped the last remnants of Callie's smile from her face. The disdain in Arizona's eyes signaled that Callie should probably know what she was talking about, but for the life of her, she had no idea. All of a sudden Callie wished her head wasn't so fuzzy. "Worried about what?"
"Drunken evenings with Mark Sloan." Dressed in her rainbows-and-unicorns pajamas, Arizona was both adorable and intimidating as she stared Callie down. "My partner getting felt up by her ex-boy toy at my front door."
The heated accusation in Arizona's tone sobered Callie considerably. "Excuse me?"
"Oh, please. He was ready to fuck you up against the door." Arizona glowered, every inch the jealous girlfriend. "And for a minute there I thought you were going to let him."
Alcohol dimmed the pain of Arizona's cutting remark, but only slightly. "Now wait just a goddamn second . We're drunk. I tripped over my feet and took Mark with me. Yeah, his hand touched my breast. So what?"
"So what?" Arizona turned her face away as though she couldn't stand to look at Callie. "Really? That's all you've got to say? Mark Sloan dry humped me against your door and so what, Arizona?" Swallowing, Arizona croaked, "You make me sick."
Callie's mouth dropped open as she tried to catch up with the conversation she suddenly found herself having. Mark's flirtation may have exceeded Arizona's comfort zone, but Callie couldn't decide why she deserved the vitriol Arizona spat her way. She hadn't done anything wrong. And she was too intoxicated to deal with such juvenile bullshit.
Not sure what else to do, Callie decided to take the bait. "Well, you tell me, Arizona. Should I be worried?"
"I've never given you a reason to worry."
"Oh, really?" Callie stalked closer, ignoring the way Arizona shrunk back as she narrowed the distance between them. "Holing up in on-call rooms with Teddy Altman? Telling her all those things you can't tell me?"
Arizona's stony gaze sent a chill down Callie's spine. "That's not fair."
"You're right," Callie said. "It's not. Neither is accusing me of fucking Mark Sloan."
"I didn't say you fucked him." Arizona's face darkened. "But you sure as hell didn't push him away very fast."
This. This was exactly the kind of drama Callie hadn't wanted tonight. This was what she had been trying to escape. But instead of getting away, she had only managed to make it worse. Sighing, Callie pressed a hand to her forehead. "Arizona, I'm drunk. Too drunk to deal with your hysterical bullshit right now. So I'll give you two choices. Either we go to bed and talk about this when I'm sober and you've calmed down, or else I can call a cab and go home. It's your choice. All I know is that I don't have the energy to argue with you tonight. Not again."
Something indefinable passed over Arizona's face. "Go home, huh? Is that what you want? Maybe you can call Mark and have him turn his cab around. You guys can share a ride."
Callie blinked. "Fuck you, Arizona. Okay? Just tell me-should I go back to my apartment or should I stay here?"
Arizona turned her back on Callie and walked to her bedroom door, cutting the light off as she passed. "You might as well stay here. There's a pillow and a blanket on the couch. Knock yourself out."
Too exhausted to keep the argument going, Callie also didn't have the energy to make good on her threat to leave. "Fine. Great. Thanks." She stomped to the couch and sat, kicking off her shoes then tugging off her jeans. Flinching when Arizona slammed the bedroom door shut, Callie maneuvered beneath her shirt and unhooked her bra.
Annoyed that she was stuck sleeping on the couch for no reason other than Arizona's irrational jealousy, Callie flopped back onto the cushions and covered herself with the blanket. Her heart thumped erratically in her chest, reacting to the adrenaline unleashed both by her close encounter with Mark and the anger she felt at Arizona.
Sure, Mark was a flirt. And sometimes Callie flirted back. But she had never given Arizona a reason to doubt her loyalty. Ever. In fact, she was pretty damn sure she deserved some kind of girlfriend of the year award. The last twenty-four hours notwithstanding.
"Whatever," Callie muttered to herself. "It doesn't matter."
But it did. Arizona's suspicion and rage cut Callie deeply, chasing away the last traces of peace she had found tonight. She wasn't sure anyone had ever hurt her as deeply as Arizona just had. Not George when he had cheated with Izzie. Not even Erica when she'd just walked away without saying goodbye. Having Arizona accuse her of being unfaithful even in spirit probably wasn't even in the same league as those things, but her feelings for Arizona went so much deeper than what she had felt for George or Erica. So it didn't take nearly as much for Callie to feel as though her heart had been ripped out and stomped upon.
What made it really unbearable was the knowledge that there had been that moment at the door-alcohol-fuelled though it was-when Callie had yearned for the ease of being with a man like Mark again. When she'd craved the simplicity of being able to touch someone without second-guessing herself or worrying that she might frighten her lover. It didn't mean she didn't love Arizona, or that she wasn't dedicated to working through all their issues together-it was just a moment of weakness when she'd wished that things could be easy again.
Maybe that was a betrayal. Maybe she deserved Arizona's anger.
Callie opened her eyes then gasped quietly when she saw Arizona kneeling beside the couch, already reaching for her. She hadn't even heard the bedroom door open again.
Arizona jerked in surprise. Then she put her hand on Callie's arm. "Please come to bed with me."
Almost afraid to move, Callie blinked as she tried to decide what to say. "I would never cheat on you, Arizona. I don't care what you saw just now."
"I know." Arizona curled her fingers around Callie's bicep, then rested her face on Callie's breast. Closing her eyes, she whispered, "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have accused you."
Tentatively, Callie combed her fingers through Arizona's hair. Encouraged when Arizona didn't stiffen beneath her touch, Callie scratched lightly at her scalp. "Why did you?"
Arizona shrugged. "I had a bad night. Woke up from a nightmare literally moments before you two came through the door…" She shrugged again. "There's no excuse. You're right. You've never given me a reason to doubt you."
"But you still do."
Sitting up, Arizona's eyes glistened in the dimness of the room. "No, I'm doubting myself. My ability to make you happy. To give you what you need."
"Don't." Maybe going out tonight-of all nights-hadn't been such a great idea after all. They had just weathered one of their most trying moments together in bed twenty-four hours ago, and they really hadn't even talked it through yet. Leaving Arizona alone to worry and wonder about where her flashback had left them while she slammed tequila with her ex-lover suddenly seemed just a bit insensitive. "I'm sorry I wasn't here for you tonight, darling. I should have been."
Arizona shook her head quickly then stood. She offered Callie a hand, hauling her to her feet. Grabbing the pillow in one fist and the blanket in the other, Arizona walked toward the bedroom. She glanced over her shoulder as though making sure Callie would follow. "I'm a big girl, Calliope. It wasn't a huge deal."
Callie caught Arizona's hand as they walked into the bedroom. "Tonight it was. I'm sorry."
"Stop being so perfect." Arizona smiled, softening her words. "All it does is make me feel even more screwed up in comparison."
Taking the pillow and blanket from Arizona, Callie tossed them on the bed. Then she caught Arizona by the wrist and pulled her into a tight embrace. "You're not screwed up."
Arizona snorted sadly. "That's awfully nice of you to say."
"You're not." Callie kissed the crown of her head, inhaling deeply so she could savor the light scent of Arizona's shampoo. Her hands roamed easily over Arizona's curves, freed from Callie's normal inhibitions by the buzz she still had going on. After last night her natural inclination would be to suppress her attraction to Arizona, but instinctively she knew that was the wrong thing to do. The way Arizona leaned into her touch with a murmured exhalation was all the confirmation Callie needed. "We're going to get through this, Arizona. You'll see."
Nodding, Arizona threw her arms around Callie's neck and held on tight. "I hope so."
There was no doubt in Callie's mind. They had to. "We will."
To be continued…