Little Earthquakes (Chapter 7)
Title: Little Earthquakes (7/?)
Pairing: Callie/Arizona
Rating: NC-17
Summary: When Arizona is attacked in the parking lot of Seattle Grace, everything changes...and her relationship with Callie is put to the test.
Content Warning
This story deals with the topic of rape and recovery. I am rating it a hard M for graphic depictions of rape, violence, and, eventually, consensual sex.
I would never write about rape frivolously, nor to titillate. There's a lot of fan fiction out there that deals with sexual assault in all manner of ways, many of them distasteful. The last thing I want to do is add to the litany of "rapefic" that traumatizes beloved characters for the sake of creating a juicy story.
At the same time, rape and sexual assault is a reality. As such, I believe it is a legitimate subject for fiction, especially when the focus is not so much on the physical act but on the psychological repercussions, the aftershocks such an event can unleash in a survivor's life.
If the frank depiction of rape and the pain of recovery (physical, emotional, and sexual) is likely to trigger or otherwise upset you, I would honestly give this story a pass. I don't plan on pulling any punches. I do plan on handling this the most respectful way I know how.
CHAPTER SEVEN
Callie collapsed onto Arizona's couch, exhausted after a long shift that had ended about an hour after she hit her physical limit. Unfortunately, the day wasn't over yet. At some point this evening she would have to return to the hospital to pick up Arizona. After a week of managing to schedule their shifts to coincide, Arizona had stayed late tonight to consult on one of Mark Sloan's patients, a little girl who had been severely burned in the fire that destroyed her family's home. Not wanting to crash in an on-call room, Callie had decided to go back to Arizona's place to rest, even if it meant she would just have to leave again shortly.
Being alone in Arizona's apartment stirred mixed feelings. Surrounded by Arizona's scent, Callie missed her partner so intensely she ached. They had been nearly inseparable for the past two weeks, and even when they weren't together, Arizona consumed Callie's thoughts-where she was, how she was doing. Logically Callie knew that Arizona needed space occasionally, a chance to be alone, but until this moment, Callie hadn't realized how healing time apart might be for her as well.
As difficult as it was to be away from Arizona, Callie felt her body relax now that she could let down her guard. Alone, she didn't have to stay on high alert. There was no need to analyze her every word and action, no worry that she might do something that would set Arizona off on a path of fear or anger. Getting Arizona to drop her defenses and be honest about her struggles had been the best thing possible for her recovery, but now that Arizona was no longer protecting Callie from the full brunt of her emotions, Callie was just plain worn out.
Just as Callie's eyes began to droop closed, her cell phone rang. Sighing, Callie said, "Seriously?" Tempted to let the call go to voice mail for only an instant, Callie picked up the phone and looked at the display. Addison Montgomery. Debating internally, Callie decided that her nap could wait. "Hey, Addie."
"Men suck."
Callie smiled at Addison's typically direct greeting. After the past week and a half, she had more sympathy for the sentiment than normal. "Agreed."
"I'm starting to think you had the right idea, relocating to the Isle of Lesbos."
Callie closed her eyes. "I wish I could tell you it was all sunshine and rainbows here, but that would be a lie."
Addison was silent for a beat, then, "What's wrong, Callie?"
"Am I that obvious?"
"You sound exhausted." Addison's voice softened. "Hard day?"
"Hard couple weeks." Swallowing, Callie said, "Hardest of my life."
"Girl troubles?"
"No." Callie winced, questioning whether she had the energy to talk about this tonight. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to hijack the conversation."
"Don't be ridiculous," Addison said. "It sounds like you need to talk. And I'm your friend. So talk. What happened?"
Callie exhaled. There really was no good way to say it except plainly. "Arizona was attacked in the parking lot at work. Friday before last."
Addison gasped audibly. "Oh my God. Attacked?"
"She was raped."
"Jesus, Callie. Oh, no." Addison sounded near tears. "I…don't know what to say. I'm so sorry."
"Yeah." Callie pinched the bridge of her nose without opening her eyes, hoping to stave off the tears she was too tired to hold back. "It's pretty devastating."
"Poor Arizona. How badly was she hurt?"
"It was pretty bad. He really beat her up. Black eyes, cut lip, bruises all over her body. He…tore her. In the parking lot. While I was inside the hospital, watching the clock."
Addison made a small, pained noise. "I hope you're not blaming yourself. How could you have known?"
"I couldn't have." Callie's chin trembled. "But I wish I had."
"I know it's a silly question, but how is she doing?"
"She's struggling. She has trouble sleeping. Nightmares. Not much of an appetite. She's had a few fairly intense flashbacks, one in the OR-"
"Damn." Addison's voice radiated sympathy. As a surgeon, she obviously understood how unsettling it would be to lose control in that situation. "Is she seeing someone? A therapist?"
"No." Though Arizona had promised to talk to somebody-anybody-so far she hadn't followed through. But it had only been five days since her panic attack during surgery, so Callie was willing to give her the benefit of the doubt. "She said she'll find someone, but I think she's trying to work up the courage. She doesn't like talking about it."
"That's understandable. But it'll help."
"I know." Callie sighed deeply. "Arizona's just a generally happy person and I think this is really throwing her. Hurting like this. For the first week, she tried to bury it as best as she could. Act okay, be okay."
"Well, that doesn't work."
Something about Addison's tone told Callie that she had knowledge on the subject. Callie's heart sank. "Please tell me you don't know that from personal experience."
"I counseled sexual assault victims as a volunteer when I was in medical school. And at different times since then." Addison cleared her throat. "It's a difficult process, healing. But she will heal."
"I keep telling her that. It's just so hard right now."
"That's totally normal. Her world has just been rocked." Addison wasn't saying anything Callie didn't instinctively know, but it helped to hear confirmation. "So has yours."
Callie didn't like talking about herself in this situation. Arizona was the one who had really been broken. "I just want her to be okay."
"She will be. You're both going to be okay."
When the first tear finally slipped out, Callie decided to just let them come. It felt better than straining so hard to suppress the sadness that constantly lingered on the surface. "I've never seen someone I love in so much pain. I couldn't have ever imagined feeling like this." Laughing bitterly, Callie said, "I don't even know how I feel anymore. Sometimes I'm just numb."
"This is a process for you, too," Addison said quietly. "Are you talking to anyone?"
"Not really." Callie curled up on her side, pressing her knees into the couch cushions. The position comforted her, made her feel sheltered somehow. "Mark, a little. Arizona told me she knew I would have to talk about it, but somehow it doesn't seem right. Like it's not my thing to talk about."
"It's your thing, too. A different thing than Arizona is going through. But still a thing." Addison chuckled lightly. "But Mark? Really?"
Callie smiled. "He's been great, actually."
"Well, if you ever want to talk to someone who isn't Mark Sloan, I'm here."
The offer was soft-spoken and sincere, and Callie warmed at the concern in Addison's voice. Now that Addison had given her permission to unload, the words started to tumble out. "I never expected to experience something like this with a partner. And not just because I've pretty much always dated men. This is the first time I've ever gone through something of this magnitude within a relationship. I have no idea what I'm supposed to do."
"Support her. Listen to her. Talk to her." She could hear Addison smile. "I know how you feel about that girl, Callie. I have a feeling you're doing just fine."
"I'm really trying. At first I was giving her space, not pushing her…but after what happened in the OR, she had a little bit of a meltdown. I've never seen her so angry. Honestly, it was scary." Callie took a breath, remembering how it had felt to withstand the full brunt of Arizona's rage. Standing up to Arizona, not allowing her to run away and hide, had been terrifying. "But things have been a little better since then. When I touch her and she stiffens, she tells me why instead of insisting that she's fine. And now she wakes me up when she has nightmares, because she says I help her feel safe enough to get back to sleep. And when she's scared or upset, she admits it. I think it's all helping, bit by bit. She's starting to have good days now. Not just good hours. You know?"
"That's excellent."
"But it's like I'm constantly on edge. Not wanting to do or say anything to upset her. Not knowing what's coming next. We should be hearing about the DNA results any day now. HIV test next month. And then there's all the other potential fallout. What if they catch the guy? What if there's a trial? Will that help, or set her back?"
"You can't worry about the future." Addison's confident tone told Callie that she had slipped into counselor mode. "Take it a day at a time, okay? If you focus on things that might happen, you'll drive yourself crazy."
"And then there's sex. I mean, we haven't even talked about that yet. She's not ready for sex right now. But what happens when she says she is? What do I do? What if I end up frightening her? Triggering her?" A tear dripped onto Callie's neck, alerting her to the fact that she hadn't yet stopped crying. This subject had been twisting her guts into painful knots for the past couple days, despite the fact that it really hadn't come up. But she missed Arizona in that way, and from some of Arizona's recent comments, she knew Arizona also felt the loss of their physical connection. The discussion-and the reconnection-would happen at some point, and Callie was terrified of that day.
"Whoa," Addison said quietly. "Like I said, one day at a time. When Arizona decides that she wants to explore being sexual again, it'll just be one more step in the healing process. The key is to talk to her, to communicate. Help keep her in the moment. When a survivor is triggered by something, the trick is for them to learn to stay in the present. To recognize that they're safe. There are many different ways Arizona can do that. And you can help."
Callie wiped at her face with shaky hands. "I don't know why I'm even thinking about it right now. We're so far from that point."
"Well, you never know. There is no timeline for that. She may want to wait a while until she feels more comfortable, or she may be eager to reconnect sexually in a safe space. To reclaim her body and her sexuality." Addison paused, then said, "And you're thinking about it because you miss her. She's still the woman you love. This doesn't change any of that."
"No, it doesn't." Callie slipped a hand beneath the hem of her T-shirt, touching her bare stomach. The connection soothed her, though she wished it were Arizona's skin beneath her fingertips. "I love her so much, Addison. And you're right. I do miss her. She's the one, you know? If I didn't fully appreciate that before, I do now."
"She's lucky to have you, Callie. Try not to worry so much, okay? Arizona will tell you when she's ready for sex. And she may or may not be right about that. You may have to stop if she gets overwhelmed. But you'll work it out eventually."
"I hope so." Callie exhaled again, then laughed shakily. "Seriously, I'm sorry. You didn't call to hear all this. Maybe you should tell me why men suck. Beyond the obvious reasons, I mean."
Addison hesitated, then said, "Honestly? You just put my problems into major perspective. I'm fine."
"Well, that's good to hear."
"No wonder you're so tired," Addison said softly. "Do me a favor, sweetie. Make sure to take time for yourself every once in a while. For both your sakes. If you get burnt out, you're no good to her."
"Well, I plan on sleeping like the dead just as soon as I pick her up from work." Callie yawned at the thought. "We've been sharing shifts but she had to stay late tonight. She doesn't come or go alone anymore."
"I can understand that. But I wasn't just talking about sleeping. I'm talking time relaxing, hanging out with friends. Time away from the little bubble I suspect the two of you are living inside."
"I'm not really in the mood, to be honest. To leave the bubble."
"I know. But that doesn't mean it's not important." Addison chuckled. "That's something Mark would be good for. He's a fun guy. So go have fun the next time you have the opportunity. Please."
"I'll try." The phone beeped in Callie's ear, and she held it away from her face to check the display. "Hold on a second, Addison. Arizona's calling."
"No problem."
Callie clicked over. "Hey, baby. Ready to come home?"
"Hey." To Callie's delight, she could hear Arizona's smile in her voice. And it sounded genuine. "I like that. Hearing you call my place home."
"My home is with you. Wherever that may be at any given moment."
Callie swore she could hear Arizona's grin grow wider. "You're batting a thousand tonight, Calliope. I don't think it's possible to love you any more."
Arizona's happiness washed away the turmoil and exhaustion Callie had been mired in only moments earlier. This was why she never doubted that Arizona was worth every bit of effort. "I'll leave now and be there in ten minutes."
"No, I was actually calling to tell you that Teddy is going to drive me home. I think we're going to hang out for a bit first, though. Is that okay?"
"Of course." As much as Callie missed Arizona, the thought of being able to crawl straight into bed was seductive. "I'll probably just crash, if you don't mind."
"I don't mind." Arizona lowered her voice. "You've earned it."
Callie smiled. "Tell Teddy I said hi, okay?"
"I will." Arizona paused. "I think we're going to…talk. About things."
Callie sat up on the couch, suddenly awake. "Oh. That's good. Right?"
"I guess we'll see." Arizona laughed nervously. "I hope so."
"It'll be good." Callie put her hand over her heart, overcome by a wave of deep emotion. She knew Arizona wasn't entirely pleased with the way she had been coping in the aftermath, but Callie couldn't be more impressed. "I'm proud of you, darling. I really am."
"Thanks," Arizona murmured. "I'll see you in bed, okay?"
"You bet. I'll leave a light on."
Callie clicked back over to Addison. "You still there?"
"I am."
"Sounds like Arizona's going to hang out with Teddy for a bit. So I guess I get to enjoy that deep sleep I was talking about a little sooner than anticipated."
"Good for Arizona," Addison said warmly. "Take note, Torres. Hanging out with friends."
Callie rolled her eyes. "Message received. But tonight, bed is my friend. And we've got a lot of catching up to do."
Laughing, Addison said, "Message received. I'll let you go. Take care of yourself, okay? Take care of Arizona. And call me if you need me."
"I will." Callie grinned. "I miss you, Addie. Remind me again why you moved away?"
"Sometimes I ask myself the same thing."
"I'll talk to you later. And good luck with your man problems. We'll get to them next time, I promise."
"Night, Callie."
"Good night."
Callie closed her phone, relieved that she didn't have anywhere else to be. She trusted Teddy to take care of Arizona, so for the next few hours at least, she only had to worry about herself. She hated to admit how good that felt. Knowing she would miss the warmth of Arizona's body beside hers, but excited by the prospect of stripping down and crawling beneath the warm comforter, Callie dragged herself to the bedroom for a good, long sleep.
#
Arizona sat in the passenger seat of Teddy's car and stared out the window at the darkened city streets. She hadn't been out this late at night without Callie since the rape. Amazing how something she used to do without thinking had become such a foreign, unsettling experience. Being with Teddy meant that she was probably reasonably safe-after all, she got the impression that Teddy could kick some major ass if push came to shove-but these days Callie's presence comforted her like nothing else. As much as she was looking forward to spending time with her other best friend, Arizona couldn't help but miss Callie intensely.
"You mind if we grab some dinner?" Teddy glanced away from the road, catching Arizona's gaze. "I'm starving."
"Of course." Technically Arizona wasn't very hungry, but she knew she had to eat. She needed to give her body fuel if she wanted to stay strong, even if food no longer tasted as good as it used to. "Whatever you want."
"Pizza?"
Arizona smiled. Pizza always made her think about Callie. About the first time they made love. "I love pizza."
"We can call and order from the car. Maybe have it delivered to my place, unless you wanted to go sit down somewhere."
Arizona shook her head. Though she was dreading it, part of her mission tonight was to try and talk to Teddy about what had happened. What she was going through now. She was no closer to wanting to go over it again, but she had promised Callie. And Arizona kept her promises. The obvious joy in Callie's voice when they had spoken on the phone had reminded her why facing her fears was more than worth it.
"I'd prefer to go to your apartment," Arizona said. "More privacy."
"I understand." Teddy raised a hopeful eyebrow. "You like green peppers and onions?"
"Perfect."
Arizona sat in silence as Teddy ordered their pizza. When Teddy hung up, Arizona turned in her seat and studied her friend's profile. Before the rape, talking to Teddy had always been effortless. Now Arizona barely knew what to say.
"We don't have to talk about it tonight, you know." Teddy gave her a sidelong glance. "If you're not ready. I'm totally fine with just hanging out."
"No, I'm ready. To talk a little, at least." Shrugging, Arizona picked at the knee of her worn jeans. "I guess I just don't know how."
Teddy steered her car into the parking lot of a gated apartment building. She nodded at a security guard who sat in a booth at the entrance, then pulled into an empty spot. Turning off the car, Teddy unbuckled her seatbelt and shifted to face Arizona. "Why don't we go inside and pour a glass of wine?"
Arizona smiled. "I can live with that."
Teddy got out of the car then walked around to the passenger side, where Arizona climbed out with a nervous look around. The parking lot was well-lit and quiet, and Teddy was there with her, but that didn't stop a flutter of panic from stirring Arizona's gut.
"Security does an excellent job here." Teddy stepped close to Arizona, giving her a supportive smile. "I promise."
"Of course," Arizona murmured. Before the attack, she never thought twice about walking through parking lots. Now she couldn't imagine anything more sinister. "I'm sorry, it's silly."
"No, it's not." Teddy met her eyes, then slowly reached out to take Arizona's hand. "It's perfectly natural. But you're safe now, I promise. Let's get inside."
Arizona let Teddy lead her to her apartment by their joined hands. She could have felt embarrassed by Teddy's gentle handling of her fears, but she didn't. It was clear that Teddy truly understood where she was coming from in a way that nobody else had so far. Teddy released her hand only to unlock the door, then ushered Arizona inside.
Arizona looked around. This was only her second time inside Teddy's apartment. Usually they hung out at Callie or Arizona's place, or more frequently at Joe's. Appreciating the meticulous yet homey atmosphere of Teddy's space, Arizona made a quiet circuit around the room, glancing at the photos lining the wall. She stopped at one of Owen and Teddy in army fatigues with their arms around each other's shoulders.
"I'm a glutton for punishment, I suppose." Teddy gave her a sheepish smile as she stepped into the attached kitchen. "But no matter how things are now, with Cristina, he's always going to be the best friend I had over there."
Walking to Teddy's couch, Arizona kicked off her shoes and sat at one end. "I'm sorry you guys missed your chance. I think you would have made a beautiful couple."
Teddy held up a bottle of wine. "You like Cabernet Sauvignon? Great with pizza."
"Sounds wonderful."
"As far as Owen, you never know. Maybe we'll have another chance." Teddy opened the bottle, pouring two glasses. "And if not, I'll have a chance with someone else." Carrying a glass in each hand, Teddy smiled as she approached the couch. "Who knows, maybe I'll even get lucky enough to find my Callie someday."
Arizona blushed, taking the wine with a grateful nod. She remembered Callie's heartfelt words on the phone earlier and had to forcibly stop herself from swooning. If anything convinced her that their relationship was the relationship of Arizona's life, it was that she could still feel so strongly about Callie even when everything else in her life was in turmoil. "I am pretty lucky."
"Cheers," Teddy said, raising her glass. When Arizona clinked hers against it lightly, Teddy took a sip, watching Arizona's face. "How are you guys doing?"
"We're good." Arizona could say that with confidence. She and Callie were the most stable thing in her life right now. "She's wonderful. Patient, supportive, able to withstand everything I throw at her." Shaking her head, Arizona tasted the wine. "Lucky doesn't really begin to cover what I am, having her in my life. Especially right now."
"That's awesome, Arizona." Teddy's eyes shone. "That has to really help."
Unsure how much she should ask Teddy about her own experience, Arizona nonetheless sensed an opportunity to transition into what she had come to talk about. "Were you…with someone? When it happened?"
Looking calmer than Arizona could imagine being while thinking about her own attack, Teddy shook her head. "No. I'd only had one boyfriend before then, in high school. It happened during undergrad, when I was terminally single."
Arizona blinked and looked down at her socked feet. "You know, I don't want to make you talk about anything you don't feel like revisiting."
"Hey," Teddy said quietly, ducking her head to catch Arizona's eye. "It really was a long time ago. I can talk about whatever you want to talk about."
Arizona pressed the knuckles of her index fingers to her eyes, steeling herself against tears. She was so tired of crying but couldn't seem to stop. "I feel like I'm going crazy. Like I'm not in control of my own body anymore. My reactions." Exhaling shakily, she whispered, "I fix people. That's what I do. But I don't know how to fix myself."
"You're not crazy," Teddy said. "And unfortunately, there's no quick fix. It'll take time. It'll also take practice. You just need to work on regaining control of your body's reactions to things. That means taking charge of your thoughts. Focusing on your breathing." Teddy poked Arizona lightly with her foot, which was clad in a brightly colored sock. "I can give you some really good tips. Because I went through the exact same thing. For months after it happened, anything could set me off. Certain smells, tastes, sounds. Being touched. Feeling unsafe, feeling trapped."
Arizona nodded in recognition. "The smell of cigarettes. The sensation of someone behind me. Having my hair touched or pulled."
"Triggers?"
"Yeah." Arizona had starting keeping a mental list, which she shared with Callie. Things to avoid, if possible. Or at the very least, to be aware of. "There's probably more, but that's what I've found so far."
"It's important to know what might set you off. That way you can start focusing on where you are and what's really happening the instant you start to react. So you can remember that you're safe."
Arizona exhaled harshly. "I'm so tired of feeling like this. When does it go away?"
"It's different for everyone, I'm sure. I struggled for a long time after it happened. There are things that make me uncomfortable to this day, like being drunk when I'm alone with a man."
"How about just the part where you felt crazy. When did that go away?"
Teddy gave her a look of sad understanding. "Honestly, it took me a while. But I was away at school where I didn't have much of a support system." For the first time, Teddy dropped her gaze, looking almost ashamed. "It was a toxic environment for me, after it happened. Everyone knew. Or thought they knew something, at least. What they believed and what really happened…well, they didn't know the truth."
Arizona bit her lip. "May I ask?"
Teddy met her eyes. She seemed to gather herself before starting to speak. "There were these two guys who lived in my dorm. Same hall as me. Jay and Steve. Jay was in a lot of the same pre-med classes as me, and his roommate Steve just seemed like a nice guy, so we all kind of hit it off. I hung out with them all the time. Studying in their dorm room, grabbing lunch with one or both of them between classes." Teddy gave her a sheepish smile. "My best friends have always been guys. Until you, actually."
Now Arizona poked Teddy with her foot. "Glad you decided to make an exception."
"Me too." Teddy smiled warmly then quickly sobered. "So one night I was in Jay and Steve's dorm room. Jay and I were supposed to be studying for a biology test, but Steve came back to the room with a bottle of vodka. They talked me into doing shots." Teddy shook her head, laughing without humor. "I look back on it now, and it's like…what the hell was I thinking? But they were my friends, you know? I never would have expected…" She sniffed, looking away. "Anyway."
Arizona swallowed as a lump rose in her throat. She knew where the story was heading and felt sick over it. "I think I can guess."
Teddy stayed calm and unemotional as she continued. "One minute we were laughing after a round of shots, then the next, Steve was kissing me. Like, really kissing me. And I had only ever kissed one boy before, in high school, so I was just sort of taken by surprise. I think I even kissed back for a minute, but then I realized that Jay was just sitting there watching, and it…" She shook her head. "It was too weird. So I pulled away and told Steve to stop." Teddy bit her lip. "It still bothers me, the way I trusted them. The way they betrayed that trust. They were supposed to be my friends. My best friends."
Arizona nodded. It was one thing to have been hurt by a stranger. She could hate a stranger, tell herself he was a sick, evil man who clearly saw her as an object instead of a person. But to have been violated in that way by someone you thought you could trust…Arizona wiped away the tears that surfaced. "I'm sorry, Teddy. I can't even imagine."
"Jay ended up holding me down while Steve raped me. Then they switched places." As though a switch had been flipped, Teddy's voice had gone flat. No more sadness, no more shame. Just a cold recitation of facts. "I was way too drunk to fight back. I just kept begging them to stop, but they didn't. By the end of the week, the whole dorm had heard that they had double-teamed me. That I was a slut who had begged them for it."
Arizona's cheeks flooded with heat at Teddy's words. Immediately she felt the shame of her own attacker's name-calling. "The man who raped me…he called me a slut. Among other things. Like I wanted it. Like I deserved it somehow."
"But you know it wasn't your fault. Right?"
Blinking back tears, Arizona whispered, "Yes. But I wish I would have waited for a security guard once I realized the light next to my car was out."
"It took me a long time to accept that what happened to me wasn't my fault," Teddy said. "After all, I was in their room. Alone. Drunk. Probably even flirting. I totally had a crush on Jay." She shook her head. "No matter what, I asked them to stop. They didn't. I didn't deserve what happened. It was their fault, not mine."
Arizona nodded. There was no question in her mind where the blame rested, for both she and Teddy. "True."
"I don't even want to imagine how scary it must have been for you." Teddy scooted closer, tentatively touching Arizona's shoulder. "What happened to me wasn't nearly as brutal. They didn't leave a mark on me."
"It was terrifying." Arizona swallowed, fighting the urge to close her eyes. If she did, she knew what images her mind would dredge up. "I've never been so frightened in my entire life. It was degrading and painful and just…" Arizona exhaled. "I don't know how to forget it. How to move on."
"Well, you'll never forget it. It's a part of you now."
Nodding in defeat, Arizona whispered, "That sucks."
"It does. The trick is learning to live with that new part of yourself, to make it one small piece of who you are instead of letting it control your thoughts and reactions to everything."
"How do I do that?"
"Learn how to stay in the present. My therapist recommended counting to five, which worked for me. Slow down and concentrate on your breathing. Look at your surroundings, ground yourself in the fact that you're not in that situation anymore." Teddy gave Arizona's shoulder a careful squeeze. "Eventually it won't be so fresh. You won't get triggered as easily. And staying calm and centered will start to become second nature."
"I miss being happy." Feeling a little ridiculous, Arizona broke eye contact. "I know that sounds silly, but I do. I miss being the perky one everyone rolls their eyes at. I miss feeling good."
"It'll come back. You're a happy person, Arizona. That's who you are at the core. You'll never be exactly the same woman you were before this happened, but those fundamental things that make you Dr. Arizona Robbins? You haven't lost that stuff. It's not gone forever. I promise."
Arizona's lower lip trembled. She hadn't wanted to cry tonight, but she didn't know how to keep it together when Teddy's warm reassurance was everything she wanted to believe. "I hope so."
Teddy opened her arms. "Come here."
Arizona fell into Teddy's embrace, greedy for the connection. It grounded her, making it easier to keep her emotions in check. "I swear I'm not usually such a wreck."
"No excuses necessary," Teddy said, stroking her back. "Besides, I needed a hug too."
Smiling gratefully, Arizona squeezed Teddy around the middle. She felt so different than Callie, more angular, less curvy. "You're an awesome friend."
"I try." Teddy drew back and smiled shyly. She opened her mouth to speak, but a knock at the door cut her off. "Pizza's here."
Arizona waited on the couch while Teddy went to the door to pay the delivery guy. When Teddy returned with a fragrant cardboard box, Arizona's stomach growled. Maybe she was hungry after all.
"How much do I owe you?" Arizona said as Teddy sat down and flipped open the lid. She leaned forward and inhaled deeply. "I didn't think I wanted dinner, but that smells great."
"You buy the next one," Teddy said. "Deal?"
"Deal."
They ate in silence for a few minutes. Arizona was surprised by how delicious the pizza tasted, and couldn't help but moan quietly as she chewed. Life had been seriously lacking in pleasure lately, so Arizona met it with enthusiasm.
Teddy laughed, raising an eyebrow. "See? Not all your happiness is gone."
"This is excellent." Arizona's face grew warm. "I haven't been eating much. I'm trying, believe me, but food just hasn't tasted very good. With the exception of the red pepper hummus Calliope keeps bringing me."
Teddy smiled. "Do you realize that your face lights up every time you talk about her?"
"Yeah, well." Shrugging, Arizona admitted, "Yeah. It's sickening, I'm sure."
"It's inspiring."
Arizona swallowed her last bite of pizza and sat back, not sure she wanted another slice. As good as it tasted, she should probably take it easy. After barely eating for the past two weeks, it wouldn't be difficult to overdo it. "I miss her so much."
"I'm sorry I took you away from her tonight-"
Arizona shook her head. "No, I mean…physically. I miss her." She met Teddy's gaze, uncertain about even broaching this subject. "Sexually."
"Oh." Teddy nodded, polishing off her second slice. The woman could pack away food like nobody's business. Not that her body showed it. "I get it. You miss that connection. That intimacy."
"Not to mention orgasms." Surprised by the wave of embarrassment that rolled over her at the confession, Arizona mourned the loss of her easy, open sexuality. "When will that part come back? Wanting sex?"
Teddy exhaled and reclined against the cushions. "I honestly don't know, Arizona. Whenever you're ready. I didn't have sex for two years after my rape. But I didn't have a boyfriend, and I wasn't interested in finding one for a long time. Not necessarily just because of what happened. I was so busy with school. I kind of threw myself into coursework and ignored my social life until I happened to meet a guy who made me realize I wanted to try a physical relationship again. But you're in a different situation with Callie."
"I'm sure she misses me, too." Arizona managed a bashful smile. "We've always had a lot of sex."
Chuckling, Teddy said, "I could tell."
"Really?"
"Are you kidding? You two are electric together. Mark Sloan can hardly control himself sometimes, watching the two of you interact."
Face hot now, Arizona said, "I've always been a sexual person. Especially with Calliope. But now…" She shrugged weakly. "I don't know how it'll be. I couldn't get through being spooned without flashing back to that man behind me. What will it be like when she…goes inside me?" Covering her face with her hand, Arizona shook her head. "God, I was never shy about this stuff before."
"There's no need to be shy." Teddy pulled Arizona's hand away from her face, meeting Arizona's eyes with a good-natured smile. "Don't start with the big stuff. The beautiful thing about being with a woman, I'm guessing, is that you've got lots of options as far as making love goes. Do what feels comfortable. Work up to the rest."
It made sense. And she was sure Callie would be willing to follow her lead. But was she crazy for thinking about this already? "I've barely healed, I'm so turned upside-down that I don't know if I'm coming or going, and I won't even get back the results of the final HIV test for another month, so I know I'm probably jumping the gun even worrying about sex right now. I just…I hate knowing that man was the last person inside of me. I want Calliope to make me remember something else."
"Just don't push yourself, okay? It'll be traumatic for both of you if you try to do something you're not ready to do." Teddy was a trooper. Arizona had always read her as being a bit shy when talking about sex, but she projected a quiet confidence that put Arizona at ease. "The trick is to talk a lot. Keep your eyes open and focus on who you're with. And if you don't like something, don't be afraid to communicate."
Arizona nodded. "I hear you."
"It'll be great." Teddy waggled her eyebrows, playful in a way Arizona had never seen before. "And safe, and healing."
"Anyway." Arizona smiled, picking at her fingernails. "I probably do need to work on the small stuff first. Like having my hair touched."
Teddy clapped her hands together. "That's a perfect place to start. Consider it your first assignment."
"Are you my counselor now?" Arizona kept her tone light, so Teddy would know she wasn't entirely displeased with the thought.
"I'm just someone who's invested in your recovery. And who knows some of what you're going through." Easing into a self-deprecating smile, Teddy said, "If I can get past the devastation I felt after it happened, you can, too. Trust me. You're way stronger than I am." Teddy tilted her head, meeting Arizona's gaze fondly. "Honestly, Arizona, you're probably the strongest woman I've ever known. Look at what you do for a living. You fix kids. But nobody can fix them all, and sometimes you lose them, but you have this way of always looking ahead to the next one who needs you while keeping a genuine smile on your face. You're…amazing, really."
Arizona's cheeks were on fire. "Now you're just making me blush."
"Please don't." Teddy waved an apologetic hand. "I just want you to know that I know you'll get through this. You're too bad-ass not to."
"Really?" Arizona grinned. She had always considered Callie to be the bad-ass in their relationship, but was tickled by the idea that maybe she was, too. "I always wanted to be bad-ass."
"You've always been bad-ass. And you're still bad-ass. Use it to your advantage."
"I will." Spirits thoroughly raised, Arizona exhaled in relief. "This is nice. Hanging out. We need to do it again, soon."
Teddy lit up suddenly. "Hey, you like to run?"
"Like, for leisure?" Arizona pulled a silly face, knowing it would make Teddy laugh, delighted when it did. "Or because something is chasing me?"
"For exercise."
"I…might. Do I get a doughnut afterwards?"
"If you don't mind cancelling all that effort out."
Arizona tipped her head. "That's acceptable to me."
"Exercise also helps with recovery," Teddy said. "I started running in college, afterwards. And when I was in the military, I loved going on runs. It cleared my mind. Got my endorphins pumping. Made me less stressed out when I was done." She bounced up and down on the couch slightly, conveying excitement in a way Arizona immediately understood. "You should come running with me. We can go in the morning before work. Or at lunch, if you don't mind showering at the hospital. Or after work. Whenever you want."
Raising a suspicious eyebrow at Teddy's enthusiasm, Arizona said, "Have you been looking for a new running partner?"
"Owen and I used to run together. But not since…well, you know." Teddy blushed. "I don't think Cristina likes it. Not that I blame her one bit."
"So I'm an Owen replacement?" Arizona winked, not wanting Teddy to think she was actually upset about the idea. Tonight Teddy had given her a place where she felt safe, and more like herself than she had in a long time. The least she could do was give Teddy some companionship in return. "I don't know how awesome I'll be about running, but I'll try. Especially if you think it'll help."
Teddy's excitement boiled over into the most unabashed grin Arizona had ever seen on her friend. Usually reserved, Teddy was absolutely glowing. "It'll help. And I 'd love the company."
Since drifting apart from Owen, Teddy had seemed disconnected from almost everyone, which was one reason Arizona had been so eager to draw her into the fold. Now more than ever Arizona realized what a treasured friend she had become. "You promise to slow down if I can't keep up?"
"Yes. I even promise to buy your first doughnut."
"Then I accept." Still smiling, Arizona realized that she was as relaxed as she had been since the attack. "Thank you for tonight, Teddy. This really did help."
"Good." Teddy held her gaze. "Anytime, okay?"
"I'll hold you to that."
#
An hour later, close to midnight, Arizona said goodnight to Teddy at her door and crept inside her apartment. True to her word, Callie had left the kitchen light on, illuminating a path to their bedroom that Arizona followed after locking up. She opened the door to her room as quietly as she could, not that Callie was anything resembling a light sleeper. But she didn't want to risk interrupting Callie's rest when she knew how badly Callie needed it.
Arizona smiled at the welcome sight of Callie stretched unselfconsciously across the mattress, face slack in sleep. The lamp on Arizona's nightstand was lit, casting Callie in a warm glow that filled Arizona's heart with affection.
Unbuttoning her pants as she crossed the room to stand next to the bed, Arizona swept her gaze over Callie's body, admiring the tan skin on display. No doubt due to typical tossing and turning, Callie's camisole had ridden up so that the bottoms of her bare breasts and the gentle swell of her stomach were exposed. The comforter had been kicked carelessly to the foot of the bed, revealing Callie's luscious ass encased in a pair of delicious cotton boyshorts that accentuated her womanly shape.
A sharp pang of lust rocked Arizona hard, forcing her to sit down on the edge of the mattress to catch her breath. The intensity of her sudden desire shook her, but almost immediately surprise segued into relief. She wasn't sure if it was talking about sex or simply feeling so comfortable all evening long, or even if she should chalk it up to the lingering effects of her two glasses of wine, but one thing was certain. Arizona was unmistakably, unbelievably aroused.
This was something she most definitely hadn't felt, at least not to this degree, since the attack. Physically, she had finally started to heal so the pain no longer held her back from wanting Callie. But emotionally, she felt so far from being ready for sexual intimacy that even having the craving threw her. At the same time, Arizona was thrilled that she still desired sex at all.
Arizona craned her neck, admiring the faint outline of Callie's pussy through her panties. There was nothing about wanting Callie this way that felt threatening. At least not as long as Callie couldn't touch her back. Shedding her bra and socks, Arizona slipped into bed beside Callie, eager to feel the heat of Callie's body against her own.
Callie murmured contentedly as Arizona pulled up the comforter to cover their bodies. Still asleep, she shifted backwards as though seeking out Arizona's warmth, pushing her bottom against Arizona's abdomen in a way that made it very hard to ignore her still-thrumming desire. The need to touch Callie only intensified now that Callie's scent filled her nose. Wrapping her arm around Callie's middle, Arizona pressed the flat of her hand against Callie's bare stomach and closed her eyes, exhaling shakily.
"Did you have a good time with Teddy?" Callie's voice was rough with sleep.
Smiling, Arizona kissed the back of Callie's neck. "I didn't mean to wake you."
"No, I'm glad. I wanted to tell you good night."
Arizona traced her fingertips around Callie's navel. "I had a great time with Teddy. We talked. It was…nice."
"Good." Callie half-rolled over, giving Arizona a soft kiss on the cheek. "I missed you."
"I miss you, too," Arizona whispered. Unable to help herself, she stroked her hand over Callie's side, admiring the full curve of her hip. Callie sucked in an audible breath, but didn't exhale. "Breathe, Calliope."
After long moments Callie obeyed. "I guess you did have a good night, huh?"
"I did." Settling against Callie's back, Arizona closed her eyes. For the first time in two weeks, darkness didn't bring fear or flashes of violent memory. At that moment, she was too consumed by her overwhelming love for Callie to spare a thought for the man who had thrown the rest of her life into chaos.
This was what mattered. The two of them. With Callie, Arizona could get through anything. Callie believed it, and Teddy believed it, and for the first time, Arizona kind of believed it, too.
Arizona thought back to Teddy's assignment. Start small. Baby steps. If she could get comfortable having Callie touch her hair, Arizona would be that much closer to reconnecting with Callie in a way she sensed could provide more healing than anything else in the world.
"Good night, Arizona. Sweet dreams, okay?"
"I love you," Arizona mumbled against Callie's shoulder.
"Love you, too." From the slight slurring of Callie's heartfelt words, Arizona knew she was losing Callie to sleep once again.
But that was okay. As she cradled Callie in her arms, Arizona focused on thinking positive thoughts, determined to keep the nightmares at bay. Start small.
That's exactly what she would do.
To be continued…