(no subject)
This is my first post here so sorry if I do something wrong ):
This little 2 page, 500 word sample is a very "The Office"-ish story
It's about 2 brothers (Floyd, the older and buffer one and Elliot, the younger and lanky one) and their boring life that I try to make a little interesting
I would greatly appreciate any feedback on this (:
PS - when it says (VOICE OVER) next to a name, that means that the character is doing whatever they were doing before, and you just hear the other person's thoughts aloud
EPISODE 1 SCENE 1
Floyd is in the bathroom, in front of the mirror, swishing mouthwash in his mouth. Elliot walks past the open door. He walks backwards, peering back into the bathroom, and sees Floyd spit the mouthwash into the sink. Floyd smiles in the mirror and clicks his tongue, impressed with himself.
ELLIOT (VOICE OVER)
There's a new girl at the office today. Her name's Tracy.
Floyd is in his room with the door open, wearing a white dress shirt and adjusting a red tie on his neck. Elliot walks into the room.
ELLIOT
W-why are you wearing a tie? You never wear ties.
FLOYD (VOICE OVER)
Personally, Elliot can't get enough of me. It's like he's the good-looking jock at high school and I'm the new pretty girl everyone's talking about.
Floyd finishes touching his tie and smiles into the mirror, checking his white teeth.
FLOYD (VOICE OVER CONT'D)
Always asking questions.
EPISODE 1 SCENE 2
Floyd and Elliot are in the car driving to work. Floyd is tapping excitedly on the steering wheel and Elliot watches.
ELLIOT (VOICE OVER)
So Floyd's really hyped up about this new girl thing.
Floyd takes a right turn and whistles joyfully.
ELLIOT (VOICE OVER CONT'D)
It's been a while since he's brought a girl home.
Floyd stops at a red light and imitates drum sounds as he taps on the steering wheel.
ELLIOT (VOICE OVER CONT'D)
Personally... I liked it that way.
Floyd parks and stops the car. He opens the door with an excited yell. Floyd shuts the door behind him. Elliot is still in the car, watching as Floyd excitingly jogs into the building.
EPISODE 1 SCENE 3
Floyd is sitting in a chair next to a big deluxe copy machine. The copy machine Floyd is sitting next to is right against the side of another big deluxe copy machine. Elliot is sitting next to the second copy machine. So in order: Floyd, copy machine #1, copy machine #2, Elliot. Floyd is sitting with his legs awkwardly open and picking at his teeth.
ELLIOT (VOICE OVER)
Floyd picks something out of his teeth, pulls his finger out to look at it, and then sticks his finger back in his mouth and eats it.
Whenever Floyd tries to impress someone... he always sits with his legs open. I guess it emits a manhood vibe.
ELLIOT (VOICE OVER CONT'D)
I've really encouraged him not to.
EPISODE 1 SCENE 4
Elliot is sitting next to his copier machine, impatiently waiting for something to work on. The chair next to Floyd's copier machine is empty. Floyd walks over to his chair with a paper cup filled with water in his hand. He sits down on his chair with his legs open and starts drinking out of the cup.
The boss walks over to Floyd and Elliot with a tall man by his side.
BOSS (TO FLOYD AND ELLIOT)
Floyd, Elliot. This is Tracy.
Floyd obnoxiously spits out all the water in his mouth.
This little 2 page, 500 word sample is a very "The Office"-ish story
It's about 2 brothers (Floyd, the older and buffer one and Elliot, the younger and lanky one) and their boring life that I try to make a little interesting
I would greatly appreciate any feedback on this (:
PS - when it says (VOICE OVER) next to a name, that means that the character is doing whatever they were doing before, and you just hear the other person's thoughts aloud
EPISODE 1 SCENE 1
Floyd is in the bathroom, in front of the mirror, swishing mouthwash in his mouth. Elliot walks past the open door. He walks backwards, peering back into the bathroom, and sees Floyd spit the mouthwash into the sink. Floyd smiles in the mirror and clicks his tongue, impressed with himself.
ELLIOT (VOICE OVER)
There's a new girl at the office today. Her name's Tracy.
Floyd is in his room with the door open, wearing a white dress shirt and adjusting a red tie on his neck. Elliot walks into the room.
ELLIOT
W-why are you wearing a tie? You never wear ties.
FLOYD (VOICE OVER)
Personally, Elliot can't get enough of me. It's like he's the good-looking jock at high school and I'm the new pretty girl everyone's talking about.
Floyd finishes touching his tie and smiles into the mirror, checking his white teeth.
FLOYD (VOICE OVER CONT'D)
Always asking questions.
EPISODE 1 SCENE 2
Floyd and Elliot are in the car driving to work. Floyd is tapping excitedly on the steering wheel and Elliot watches.
ELLIOT (VOICE OVER)
So Floyd's really hyped up about this new girl thing.
Floyd takes a right turn and whistles joyfully.
ELLIOT (VOICE OVER CONT'D)
It's been a while since he's brought a girl home.
Floyd stops at a red light and imitates drum sounds as he taps on the steering wheel.
ELLIOT (VOICE OVER CONT'D)
Personally... I liked it that way.
Floyd parks and stops the car. He opens the door with an excited yell. Floyd shuts the door behind him. Elliot is still in the car, watching as Floyd excitingly jogs into the building.
EPISODE 1 SCENE 3
Floyd is sitting in a chair next to a big deluxe copy machine. The copy machine Floyd is sitting next to is right against the side of another big deluxe copy machine. Elliot is sitting next to the second copy machine. So in order: Floyd, copy machine #1, copy machine #2, Elliot. Floyd is sitting with his legs awkwardly open and picking at his teeth.
ELLIOT (VOICE OVER)
Floyd picks something out of his teeth, pulls his finger out to look at it, and then sticks his finger back in his mouth and eats it.
Whenever Floyd tries to impress someone... he always sits with his legs open. I guess it emits a manhood vibe.
ELLIOT (VOICE OVER CONT'D)
I've really encouraged him not to.
EPISODE 1 SCENE 4
Elliot is sitting next to his copier machine, impatiently waiting for something to work on. The chair next to Floyd's copier machine is empty. Floyd walks over to his chair with a paper cup filled with water in his hand. He sits down on his chair with his legs open and starts drinking out of the cup.
The boss walks over to Floyd and Elliot with a tall man by his side.
BOSS (TO FLOYD AND ELLIOT)
Floyd, Elliot. This is Tracy.
Floyd obnoxiously spits out all the water in his mouth.