Harry Potter: Snape/Lupin
Title: The Marriage of Murder and Suicide Chapter 6/6
Fandom: Harry Potter
Characters: Severus Snape/Remus Lupin, Draco Malfoy, Bill Weasley/Fleur Delacour Weasley
Summary: Post-war AU set three years after the events of HPB. A year after Voldemort’s defeat Remus Lupin traces down Severus Snape who is a fugitive living in Paris. Both men have been profoundly altered in body and mind by the war and its aftermath. Lupin is dying, his life being choked away by a dark secret he can not and will not reveal. Snape’s efforts to save Lupin’s life challenge all boundaries of morality. Violation, forbidden magic, betrayal, murder, obsessive and redemptive love will all come into play before the truth is revealed.
Beta Reader: Nzomniac
Word Count: 1231
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Violence, character death, implied slash, angst .
Author’s Notes: Written for the lj community ficalbum as part of a series of Lupin/Snape fics based on the Leonard Cohen album I’m Your Man. The prompt for this story is the song “I Can't Forget". The Progress chart for this series can be viewed here.
Chapter 1/6
Chapter 2/6
Chapter 3/6
Chapter 4/6
Chapter 5/6
Commentary
The Marriage of Murder and Suicide
Chapter 6
Yeah I loved you all my life
And that's how I want to end it
The summer's almost gone
The winter's tuning up
Yeah, the summer's gone
But a lot goes on forever
And I can't forget, I can't forget
I can't forget but I don't remember what.
I Can’t Forget
Leonard Cohen
When Lupin returned from Madame Weasley’s, Snape was in the kitchen of the house which he had turned into his potions lab, dressed and overseeing several caldrons. The effort was clearly a strain. His face was drawn and ashen, his hair sweat-slicked in dark strands across his forehead.
“Severus, you should be in bed,” Lupin said. “Fleur said at least a week, and it’s only been three days.”
“You need your Wolfsbane,” Snape said. “And there are orders to fill for Fanon’s botanical. It remains necessary to eke out a livelihood.”
“The only potion that should concern you now is this,” Lupin said, indicating the flask he carried. “It’s from Fleur, to repair the damage she did.” Carefully, he poured the potion out into a crystal cordial glass from the cupboard. “Sit,” he ordered. Snape sank down into a chair and took the cup, slowly draining it. Lupin knelt beside him, unfastening the buttons of his robe. “Let me see the scar.”
It stood vivid pink against the ghostly white flesh of Snape’s chest, running from collarbone to navel. Ugly, but far better than the raw-edged gash that had been there days before. Lupin ran a finger the length of it. The scar was hot compared to the skin around it. It was healing quickly; in time, it would fade away … unlike his own scars, unlike the words and images branded on his hands, unlike his memories.
He pressed his lips to the scar, burying his face against Snape’s body. He felt arms wrap around his neck. Softly, Severus kissed the top of his head.
“Where is Draco?” he asked.
“Perhaps he left,” Lupin said.
“You’re a poor liar, and you don’t know Draco well. He wouldn’t have left this house unless he’d taken a Polyjuice Potion to disguise himself as someone else. The picture of his father that he’s always carried with him is still here. His cigarettes are still here. Where is he?”
Lupin took his hands, entwining their fingers so tightly it was a restraint rather than an embrace. Then, looking up at Snape, he answered.
“In the garden. Dead. Transformed to ashes and bits of broken china and mulch. Transformed to poison ivy and black irises.”
Snape shook his head. He tried to pull away, but Lupin would not let him go.
“Dead?” Snape mouthed in disbelief. “How…”
“I killed him.”
Snape closed his eyes and turned his face away.
“How could you?” he asked. “You, of all people?”
“I’ve told you, Severus. I’m not good or kind as you believe. I’m not morally superior to you. I wasn’t even morally superior to him. Neither of us deserved to live. I couldn’t let myself die, but I could kill him. Consider it suicide by proxy if that will help you accept it.”
“I can’t accept this. I can’t forgive this.”
“You will. Possession goes both ways, Severus. I’m yours … you’re mine. You’ve already shown what you’re willing to go through to keep me. Losing Draco is easy compared to Veela rites. You will forgive me even though I’ve done the unforgivable.”
For a long time, they were silent. Lupin at last loosened his grip. Snape untangled the fingers of only one hand and drew from his pocket the glass sphere.
“I’ve always loved you,” Snape said. “But I’ve never trusted you. I always knew you were dangerous. Not just because you were a wolf, but because you have your secrets and have gone as deep in darkness as I ever did. I need to see what’s contained in this glass. I need to know what you’ve done that you could kill Draco so easily.”
“Break it,” Lupin said. Snape closed his fist around the orb, and the glass, more fragile than the shell of an egg, crushed releasing the secret.
*
As he entered the hall, there was a blinding flash of light, an inhuman scream ripped from the Dark Lord as boy and man fell to the ground. Lupin ran to where Harry had fallen. Across the room, he saw the hooded figure of a Death Eater kneeling beside Voldemort. He knew by their anguished cry that the Dark Lord was dead, but Harry was alive. Harry was smiling.
“I did it,” he said weakly. “I did it.” He didn’t care that he was hurt, that he was burned and cut, that his leg was twisted and broken beneath him. He felt no pain--there was only joy in his face, only joy. Lupin crouched beside Harry and clutched the boy to him as smoke and dust swirled around them. He was weeping.
“What’s wrong, professor?” Harry asked. “He’s dead. It’s over. We’ve won.”
“I’m sorry, Harry,” Lupin said. “It’s not over. Not over yet. There’s still a part of Voldemort living. There was a Horcrux Dumbledore never told you about, though he told me.” He brushed the young man’s hair from his forehead, from the lightning-shaped scar that glowed there.
“It’s you, Harry,” he whispered. “The last piece of Voldemort’s soul is inside you. It’s been there since you were a baby, since the night he killed your mother. Voldemort intended to secure his immortality by killing you. When he cast the curse, his soul divided to create a Horcrux, but Lily’s love saved you. The curse was turned on Voldemort, and that piece of his soul went into you. That’s why you can speak Parseltongue, why you had access to his mind and he to yours, why your scar burned when he was near.” Lupin’s hands closed around the boy’s throat. There was no other way. His own wand was gone; Harry’s lay nearby as broken as the boy’s body.
“I’m sorry, Harry. You were the only one who could defeat Voldemort, but you can’t be allowed to outlive him.”
The boy struggled but in the end he was more seriously wounded and more worn than Lupin, and at last he fell still. The werewolf kissed the scar upon his forehead and cradled the body in his arms till others came.
There were no questions, no inquisitions. It was accepted as simple fact. Harry Potter had defeated the Dark Lord and given his life in the process. Within Remus Lupin’s heart, the secret knowledge hardened into a poisoned ball of glass.
*
“You can kill me if you like,” Lupin said. “The way I killed Harry. The way I killed Draco.” His head rested on Snape’s lap. The Potion master’s hand was bleeding from the broken glass as he caressed Lupin’s cheeks and the flyaway tangle of his graying hair.
“You know I won’t,” Snape said. “I hate and despise and mourn what you did to Draco. It makes you all the more precious to me. Now that I’ve lost him, I can’t lose you as well. I thought you came here because you knew I would make you live, but I can do more. I can help you to live with what you’ve done. I live with as much.
“When you found me here,” Snape went on, “you said that if I let you die in peace, you wouldn’t ask me about Dumbledore, or the Death Eaters, or where I was during the final battle. I didn’t let you die as you wished, and now you need to ask me about these things. I have your secret, and now you need mine.”
Fandom: Harry Potter
Characters: Severus Snape/Remus Lupin, Draco Malfoy, Bill Weasley/Fleur Delacour Weasley
Summary: Post-war AU set three years after the events of HPB. A year after Voldemort’s defeat Remus Lupin traces down Severus Snape who is a fugitive living in Paris. Both men have been profoundly altered in body and mind by the war and its aftermath. Lupin is dying, his life being choked away by a dark secret he can not and will not reveal. Snape’s efforts to save Lupin’s life challenge all boundaries of morality. Violation, forbidden magic, betrayal, murder, obsessive and redemptive love will all come into play before the truth is revealed.
Beta Reader: Nzomniac
Word Count: 1231
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: Violence, character death, implied slash, angst .
Author’s Notes: Written for the lj community ficalbum as part of a series of Lupin/Snape fics based on the Leonard Cohen album I’m Your Man. The prompt for this story is the song “I Can't Forget". The Progress chart for this series can be viewed here.
Chapter 1/6
Chapter 2/6
Chapter 3/6
Chapter 4/6
Chapter 5/6
Commentary
The Marriage of Murder and Suicide
Chapter 6
Yeah I loved you all my life
And that's how I want to end it
The summer's almost gone
The winter's tuning up
Yeah, the summer's gone
But a lot goes on forever
And I can't forget, I can't forget
I can't forget but I don't remember what.
I Can’t Forget
Leonard Cohen
When Lupin returned from Madame Weasley’s, Snape was in the kitchen of the house which he had turned into his potions lab, dressed and overseeing several caldrons. The effort was clearly a strain. His face was drawn and ashen, his hair sweat-slicked in dark strands across his forehead.
“Severus, you should be in bed,” Lupin said. “Fleur said at least a week, and it’s only been three days.”
“You need your Wolfsbane,” Snape said. “And there are orders to fill for Fanon’s botanical. It remains necessary to eke out a livelihood.”
“The only potion that should concern you now is this,” Lupin said, indicating the flask he carried. “It’s from Fleur, to repair the damage she did.” Carefully, he poured the potion out into a crystal cordial glass from the cupboard. “Sit,” he ordered. Snape sank down into a chair and took the cup, slowly draining it. Lupin knelt beside him, unfastening the buttons of his robe. “Let me see the scar.”
It stood vivid pink against the ghostly white flesh of Snape’s chest, running from collarbone to navel. Ugly, but far better than the raw-edged gash that had been there days before. Lupin ran a finger the length of it. The scar was hot compared to the skin around it. It was healing quickly; in time, it would fade away … unlike his own scars, unlike the words and images branded on his hands, unlike his memories.
He pressed his lips to the scar, burying his face against Snape’s body. He felt arms wrap around his neck. Softly, Severus kissed the top of his head.
“Where is Draco?” he asked.
“Perhaps he left,” Lupin said.
“You’re a poor liar, and you don’t know Draco well. He wouldn’t have left this house unless he’d taken a Polyjuice Potion to disguise himself as someone else. The picture of his father that he’s always carried with him is still here. His cigarettes are still here. Where is he?”
Lupin took his hands, entwining their fingers so tightly it was a restraint rather than an embrace. Then, looking up at Snape, he answered.
“In the garden. Dead. Transformed to ashes and bits of broken china and mulch. Transformed to poison ivy and black irises.”
Snape shook his head. He tried to pull away, but Lupin would not let him go.
“Dead?” Snape mouthed in disbelief. “How…”
“I killed him.”
Snape closed his eyes and turned his face away.
“How could you?” he asked. “You, of all people?”
“I’ve told you, Severus. I’m not good or kind as you believe. I’m not morally superior to you. I wasn’t even morally superior to him. Neither of us deserved to live. I couldn’t let myself die, but I could kill him. Consider it suicide by proxy if that will help you accept it.”
“I can’t accept this. I can’t forgive this.”
“You will. Possession goes both ways, Severus. I’m yours … you’re mine. You’ve already shown what you’re willing to go through to keep me. Losing Draco is easy compared to Veela rites. You will forgive me even though I’ve done the unforgivable.”
For a long time, they were silent. Lupin at last loosened his grip. Snape untangled the fingers of only one hand and drew from his pocket the glass sphere.
“I’ve always loved you,” Snape said. “But I’ve never trusted you. I always knew you were dangerous. Not just because you were a wolf, but because you have your secrets and have gone as deep in darkness as I ever did. I need to see what’s contained in this glass. I need to know what you’ve done that you could kill Draco so easily.”
“Break it,” Lupin said. Snape closed his fist around the orb, and the glass, more fragile than the shell of an egg, crushed releasing the secret.
*
As he entered the hall, there was a blinding flash of light, an inhuman scream ripped from the Dark Lord as boy and man fell to the ground. Lupin ran to where Harry had fallen. Across the room, he saw the hooded figure of a Death Eater kneeling beside Voldemort. He knew by their anguished cry that the Dark Lord was dead, but Harry was alive. Harry was smiling.
“I did it,” he said weakly. “I did it.” He didn’t care that he was hurt, that he was burned and cut, that his leg was twisted and broken beneath him. He felt no pain--there was only joy in his face, only joy. Lupin crouched beside Harry and clutched the boy to him as smoke and dust swirled around them. He was weeping.
“What’s wrong, professor?” Harry asked. “He’s dead. It’s over. We’ve won.”
“I’m sorry, Harry,” Lupin said. “It’s not over. Not over yet. There’s still a part of Voldemort living. There was a Horcrux Dumbledore never told you about, though he told me.” He brushed the young man’s hair from his forehead, from the lightning-shaped scar that glowed there.
“It’s you, Harry,” he whispered. “The last piece of Voldemort’s soul is inside you. It’s been there since you were a baby, since the night he killed your mother. Voldemort intended to secure his immortality by killing you. When he cast the curse, his soul divided to create a Horcrux, but Lily’s love saved you. The curse was turned on Voldemort, and that piece of his soul went into you. That’s why you can speak Parseltongue, why you had access to his mind and he to yours, why your scar burned when he was near.” Lupin’s hands closed around the boy’s throat. There was no other way. His own wand was gone; Harry’s lay nearby as broken as the boy’s body.
“I’m sorry, Harry. You were the only one who could defeat Voldemort, but you can’t be allowed to outlive him.”
The boy struggled but in the end he was more seriously wounded and more worn than Lupin, and at last he fell still. The werewolf kissed the scar upon his forehead and cradled the body in his arms till others came.
There were no questions, no inquisitions. It was accepted as simple fact. Harry Potter had defeated the Dark Lord and given his life in the process. Within Remus Lupin’s heart, the secret knowledge hardened into a poisoned ball of glass.
*
“You can kill me if you like,” Lupin said. “The way I killed Harry. The way I killed Draco.” His head rested on Snape’s lap. The Potion master’s hand was bleeding from the broken glass as he caressed Lupin’s cheeks and the flyaway tangle of his graying hair.
“You know I won’t,” Snape said. “I hate and despise and mourn what you did to Draco. It makes you all the more precious to me. Now that I’ve lost him, I can’t lose you as well. I thought you came here because you knew I would make you live, but I can do more. I can help you to live with what you’ve done. I live with as much.
“When you found me here,” Snape went on, “you said that if I let you die in peace, you wouldn’t ask me about Dumbledore, or the Death Eaters, or where I was during the final battle. I didn’t let you die as you wished, and now you need to ask me about these things. I have your secret, and now you need mine.”