(no subject)
Every Mask has its Story PART SEVEN
Elise
pg13
Sitting in the corner of the hospital room, Ryan couldn’t look up. Brian was on his way, taking care of Lindy, yet again. A few of the guys from the Leafs had come over, staying with Lindy, while Brian took care of Ryan. Ryan liked to think he was taking care of Steve, but really, he was just waiting till Steve woke up. The surgery went as well as expected, but they still didn’t know how far along the cancer had spread. Shivering, Ryan knew it was more from Steve’s condition than the draftiness of the hospital. The first round of chemotherapy would happen tomorrow morning, hopefully, it was in time. The tumor was cancerous, and had burst. The hope of the doctors was that they had removed enough, and with the chemotherapy, Steve would recover. Ryan instead of thinking about the what ifs, focused on a now blank sheet of paper. He brought his pencil to hover over the shocking white paper. He knew that he’d want it to be Sabres related. He knew that he was going to put some Buffalo landmarks on the mask, being that he had made the city his career. Ryan’s bottom lip trembled as he thought about adding a bear for Steve next to the bulldog for Matt, his cousin.
The sounds of the hospital did nothing to calm the goalie. The constant beeping of the machines that Steve was hooked up to were a reminder that Steve was sick. Thinking back onto the conversation with Brian about his mask, Ryan licked his lips. He was his family. Brian had asked who Ryan was, and at first it confused him. It still bothered him, trying to pinpoint his personality onto a mask. Ryan dared to look up, dropping his pencil.
Steve was looking at him, sad and tired, his eyes slightly glazed. Ryan remained where he was, unsure of what to do. He didn’t want to share with Steve the news that he would soon be going through some of the most painful treatments one could imagine. He didn’t want to tell Steve that the doctors were uncertain. Yes, testicular cancer was incredibly curable... if caught in time. Ryan didn’t want to tell Steve that he wasn’t sure if they had made the deadline. Steve rocked a bit, uncomfortable. He groggily said, “Ryan...?”
The weak voice asking for him got Ryan to jump up and forget his mask for the time being. Ryan moved to Steve’s side, smile plastered on his face, and hand reaching for Bear’s. “Hey, welcome back.” Ryan said.
“I’m alive.” Steve said softly.
“Of course.” Ryan said, his voice cracking slightly, “And you will remain so, if I have anything to say about it.”
“I wish you did.” Steve said, eyes slowly blinking, “I can’t feel anything.”
“You’re on lots of drugs. Enjoy it while you’ve got it.” Ryan said, grinning, “It’s good to see you awake.”
Steve turned his head, the rest of him obviously limp and exhausted, “What happened?”
“You...” Ryan started, confused, “You went into surgery to remove a tumor.”
Steve’s face fell a bit and he said, “I know that... I... I can’t have children.”
It was Ryan’s turn to have his face fall. “You don’t know that. Plenty of men have children after this surgery.”
“Je veux... famille.” Steve said, his voice slow and sad.
“Famille?” Ryan said, confused. “Family? Do you mean family?”
Steve nodded, his eyes flickering shut for just a moment before slowly reopening. Ryan smiled, squeezing Steve’s hand. “You’ll have a family, and for now, you’re a part of our family.”
Steve smiled and shut his eyes, falling back asleep. Ryan continued to hold his hand, tears falling down his face. Steve’s grip loosened as he fell deeper and deeper into sleep, Ryan’s anxiety increasing.
Just then, Brian walked in. He looked at his husband, and came over, arms immediately circling Ryan’s waist. “Is he ok?”
“I don’t know...” Ryan said softly, “He’s alive. He’s got chemo to go through. It’s spread, and hopefully not into the blood.”
Brian tucked his face into Ryan’s neck, if only to not look at Steve, pale and weak in a hospital bed. This wasn’t the man that stopped by for a visit a few days ago. It seemed like the world was spinning out of control, and all Brian could do was watch. “I’m scared too, Ryan.”
Ryan turned around to face Brian, embracing him fully. Brian returned the hug, shaking slightly. “I think I’m beginning to see who I am, here.” Ryan said softly.
Brian pulled back. “What do you mean?”
“I mean,” Ryan took a deep breath, “I’m beginning to figure out whats truly important, and what isn’t.”
Brian smiled slightly, “That’s good, Ry.”
Ryan turned to look at Steve again, but not leaving Brian’s arms. “I’m going to stick around here for the night, Bri. Do you mind?”
“No,” Brian said softly, “Take your time.”
“I don’t want this to be the last time that I see him.” Ryan said quietly, as if he were afraid to speak his fears in lue of them becoming a reality.
“It won’t be. It’s just a surgery. He’ll be fine.” Brian said, “I promise.”
Ryan’s face dropped, “Never make promises you can’t keep, Bri. Please, at least promise me that... from this day forward... i can’t hear a future broken promise.”
Brian’s frown grew larger, “I’m not lying. I truly believe that he’ll beat this.”
Ryan sniffed, wiping his nose on his sleeve, “I wish I did.”
At a loss for the right words, Brian instead tugged Ryan away from Steve’s bed to the empty bed in the room. Brian laid down, opening his arms so that Ryan could lay in them. With a glance back at Bear, Ryan got into the bed with Brian. Brian shut his eyes, wrapping his arms around his husband’s body, and holding his hands. Brian subconsciously twirled Ryan’s wedding band. Ryan willed his eyes to stay open, staring at Steve, who didn’t look calm, even in sleep.
Brian pulled of his tie, throwing it into the corner. “Well that was a fucking disaster.”
“I said I was sorry.” Ryan said, extending his hands, “If you just accepted the apology, then we wouldn’t have fought through the entire ceremony.”
“Right, you being awful is my fault.” Brian rolled his eyes, undoing his shoes. “I mean, it’s just our daughter. Who cares, right? You’ve got a shiny new toy Bear.”
Ryan stormed over to Brian and hissed into his face, his anger boiling over, “Take it back.”
Brian looked into Ryan’s face and hissed back, challenging, “No.”
“How dare you say I’m a bad father. How dare you judge me for keeping a promise with our sick friend.” Ryan couldn’t believe his ears.
Brian sighed and said, his voice still tense, “I don’t blame you for keeping that promise, I blame you for not keeping the one you told me. To have and to Hold, through sickness, through health. For better. For worse.”
Ryan’s face turned red and he grabbed Brian by the lapels, “I am a good husband. A good father.”
“You are, Ryan, but I need you to come home once in a while. I need you to remember that your baby girl recieved an award tonight and you were late. She thought you weren’t coming.”
Ryan dropped his hands and moved to their bed. He plopped his body down and covered his head. “Leave me alone.”
Brian looked at his husband. “I know things are bad right now, but... but just try to separate yourself for a moment. I... I can’t do this job alone. You can’t take care of Bear alone.”
“I’m not trying to be alone.” Ryan sighed, “I just... there’s only one of me, and there’s so much to be done.”
Brian crawled up onto the bed and pressed his hand to Ryan’s back, rubbing in circles. “I’m sorry, and that sucks. I’m here to take half that load off. Tomorrow, I’ll take care of Bear, you take care of Lindy. She misses you.”
Ryan turned over and said, “Really? You’ll call me if there’s any change? He’s got another chemo session tomorrow, you know, and those are tough. I mean... then he has to be driven back here.”
Brian’s hand came up and he clamped it over Ryan’s mouth. “I don’t care. You need to spend tomorrow with Lindy. I’ll do what needs to be done.”
Ryan nodded slowly, eyes softening, “How angry are you?”
“I can’t answer that right now.” Brian said, “Because I dont know.”
Ryan pushed more, “Ballpark figure.”
Brian rolled his eyes and stood up, walking to the closet. He threw off his clothes, thinking he’d take care of them in the morning. Ryan leaned up, resting back on his elbows, “Brian...”
Brian turned and said, “I’m really angry with you. I’m really in love with you. I’m trying to make those two statements agree in my head.”
“I’m really trying. I’m really afraid. I’m upset that you’re not getting it, and I’m really in love with you.” Ryan sighed, “That’s where I’m at.”
“I’d love to meet up with you,” Brian said, extending the metaphor, “But I can’t right now. I don’t know where I am.”
“How is that my fault?” Ryan asked, exasperated.
“It’s not your fault, Ryan.” Brian said, “But it’s your problem, because you’re married to me, and we share our problems. In theory. Sometimes husbands run away from their family to the hospital.”
“I’ll do better.” Ryan said, “I promise.”
Brian sighed, slipping his shirt off and walked over, now in his boxers. Ryan was still completely dressed. “Ok. I believe you.”
“I’m serious.” Ryan said, “Tomorrow. I take Lindy, you take Bear.”
Brian opened the covers, sliding in and turned his back to Ryan. “I said I believed you. Goodnight, Ryan.”
Ryan looked at Brian and stood up, “Good night, Bri.”
After a few minutes of watching Brian feign sleep, Ryan grabbed a spare blanket and moved downstairs to the couch.
Elise
pg13
Sitting in the corner of the hospital room, Ryan couldn’t look up. Brian was on his way, taking care of Lindy, yet again. A few of the guys from the Leafs had come over, staying with Lindy, while Brian took care of Ryan. Ryan liked to think he was taking care of Steve, but really, he was just waiting till Steve woke up. The surgery went as well as expected, but they still didn’t know how far along the cancer had spread. Shivering, Ryan knew it was more from Steve’s condition than the draftiness of the hospital. The first round of chemotherapy would happen tomorrow morning, hopefully, it was in time. The tumor was cancerous, and had burst. The hope of the doctors was that they had removed enough, and with the chemotherapy, Steve would recover. Ryan instead of thinking about the what ifs, focused on a now blank sheet of paper. He brought his pencil to hover over the shocking white paper. He knew that he’d want it to be Sabres related. He knew that he was going to put some Buffalo landmarks on the mask, being that he had made the city his career. Ryan’s bottom lip trembled as he thought about adding a bear for Steve next to the bulldog for Matt, his cousin.
The sounds of the hospital did nothing to calm the goalie. The constant beeping of the machines that Steve was hooked up to were a reminder that Steve was sick. Thinking back onto the conversation with Brian about his mask, Ryan licked his lips. He was his family. Brian had asked who Ryan was, and at first it confused him. It still bothered him, trying to pinpoint his personality onto a mask. Ryan dared to look up, dropping his pencil.
Steve was looking at him, sad and tired, his eyes slightly glazed. Ryan remained where he was, unsure of what to do. He didn’t want to share with Steve the news that he would soon be going through some of the most painful treatments one could imagine. He didn’t want to tell Steve that the doctors were uncertain. Yes, testicular cancer was incredibly curable... if caught in time. Ryan didn’t want to tell Steve that he wasn’t sure if they had made the deadline. Steve rocked a bit, uncomfortable. He groggily said, “Ryan...?”
The weak voice asking for him got Ryan to jump up and forget his mask for the time being. Ryan moved to Steve’s side, smile plastered on his face, and hand reaching for Bear’s. “Hey, welcome back.” Ryan said.
“I’m alive.” Steve said softly.
“Of course.” Ryan said, his voice cracking slightly, “And you will remain so, if I have anything to say about it.”
“I wish you did.” Steve said, eyes slowly blinking, “I can’t feel anything.”
“You’re on lots of drugs. Enjoy it while you’ve got it.” Ryan said, grinning, “It’s good to see you awake.”
Steve turned his head, the rest of him obviously limp and exhausted, “What happened?”
“You...” Ryan started, confused, “You went into surgery to remove a tumor.”
Steve’s face fell a bit and he said, “I know that... I... I can’t have children.”
It was Ryan’s turn to have his face fall. “You don’t know that. Plenty of men have children after this surgery.”
“Je veux... famille.” Steve said, his voice slow and sad.
“Famille?” Ryan said, confused. “Family? Do you mean family?”
Steve nodded, his eyes flickering shut for just a moment before slowly reopening. Ryan smiled, squeezing Steve’s hand. “You’ll have a family, and for now, you’re a part of our family.”
Steve smiled and shut his eyes, falling back asleep. Ryan continued to hold his hand, tears falling down his face. Steve’s grip loosened as he fell deeper and deeper into sleep, Ryan’s anxiety increasing.
Just then, Brian walked in. He looked at his husband, and came over, arms immediately circling Ryan’s waist. “Is he ok?”
“I don’t know...” Ryan said softly, “He’s alive. He’s got chemo to go through. It’s spread, and hopefully not into the blood.”
Brian tucked his face into Ryan’s neck, if only to not look at Steve, pale and weak in a hospital bed. This wasn’t the man that stopped by for a visit a few days ago. It seemed like the world was spinning out of control, and all Brian could do was watch. “I’m scared too, Ryan.”
Ryan turned around to face Brian, embracing him fully. Brian returned the hug, shaking slightly. “I think I’m beginning to see who I am, here.” Ryan said softly.
Brian pulled back. “What do you mean?”
“I mean,” Ryan took a deep breath, “I’m beginning to figure out whats truly important, and what isn’t.”
Brian smiled slightly, “That’s good, Ry.”
Ryan turned to look at Steve again, but not leaving Brian’s arms. “I’m going to stick around here for the night, Bri. Do you mind?”
“No,” Brian said softly, “Take your time.”
“I don’t want this to be the last time that I see him.” Ryan said quietly, as if he were afraid to speak his fears in lue of them becoming a reality.
“It won’t be. It’s just a surgery. He’ll be fine.” Brian said, “I promise.”
Ryan’s face dropped, “Never make promises you can’t keep, Bri. Please, at least promise me that... from this day forward... i can’t hear a future broken promise.”
Brian’s frown grew larger, “I’m not lying. I truly believe that he’ll beat this.”
Ryan sniffed, wiping his nose on his sleeve, “I wish I did.”
At a loss for the right words, Brian instead tugged Ryan away from Steve’s bed to the empty bed in the room. Brian laid down, opening his arms so that Ryan could lay in them. With a glance back at Bear, Ryan got into the bed with Brian. Brian shut his eyes, wrapping his arms around his husband’s body, and holding his hands. Brian subconsciously twirled Ryan’s wedding band. Ryan willed his eyes to stay open, staring at Steve, who didn’t look calm, even in sleep.
Brian pulled of his tie, throwing it into the corner. “Well that was a fucking disaster.”
“I said I was sorry.” Ryan said, extending his hands, “If you just accepted the apology, then we wouldn’t have fought through the entire ceremony.”
“Right, you being awful is my fault.” Brian rolled his eyes, undoing his shoes. “I mean, it’s just our daughter. Who cares, right? You’ve got a shiny new toy Bear.”
Ryan stormed over to Brian and hissed into his face, his anger boiling over, “Take it back.”
Brian looked into Ryan’s face and hissed back, challenging, “No.”
“How dare you say I’m a bad father. How dare you judge me for keeping a promise with our sick friend.” Ryan couldn’t believe his ears.
Brian sighed and said, his voice still tense, “I don’t blame you for keeping that promise, I blame you for not keeping the one you told me. To have and to Hold, through sickness, through health. For better. For worse.”
Ryan’s face turned red and he grabbed Brian by the lapels, “I am a good husband. A good father.”
“You are, Ryan, but I need you to come home once in a while. I need you to remember that your baby girl recieved an award tonight and you were late. She thought you weren’t coming.”
Ryan dropped his hands and moved to their bed. He plopped his body down and covered his head. “Leave me alone.”
Brian looked at his husband. “I know things are bad right now, but... but just try to separate yourself for a moment. I... I can’t do this job alone. You can’t take care of Bear alone.”
“I’m not trying to be alone.” Ryan sighed, “I just... there’s only one of me, and there’s so much to be done.”
Brian crawled up onto the bed and pressed his hand to Ryan’s back, rubbing in circles. “I’m sorry, and that sucks. I’m here to take half that load off. Tomorrow, I’ll take care of Bear, you take care of Lindy. She misses you.”
Ryan turned over and said, “Really? You’ll call me if there’s any change? He’s got another chemo session tomorrow, you know, and those are tough. I mean... then he has to be driven back here.”
Brian’s hand came up and he clamped it over Ryan’s mouth. “I don’t care. You need to spend tomorrow with Lindy. I’ll do what needs to be done.”
Ryan nodded slowly, eyes softening, “How angry are you?”
“I can’t answer that right now.” Brian said, “Because I dont know.”
Ryan pushed more, “Ballpark figure.”
Brian rolled his eyes and stood up, walking to the closet. He threw off his clothes, thinking he’d take care of them in the morning. Ryan leaned up, resting back on his elbows, “Brian...”
Brian turned and said, “I’m really angry with you. I’m really in love with you. I’m trying to make those two statements agree in my head.”
“I’m really trying. I’m really afraid. I’m upset that you’re not getting it, and I’m really in love with you.” Ryan sighed, “That’s where I’m at.”
“I’d love to meet up with you,” Brian said, extending the metaphor, “But I can’t right now. I don’t know where I am.”
“How is that my fault?” Ryan asked, exasperated.
“It’s not your fault, Ryan.” Brian said, “But it’s your problem, because you’re married to me, and we share our problems. In theory. Sometimes husbands run away from their family to the hospital.”
“I’ll do better.” Ryan said, “I promise.”
Brian sighed, slipping his shirt off and walked over, now in his boxers. Ryan was still completely dressed. “Ok. I believe you.”
“I’m serious.” Ryan said, “Tomorrow. I take Lindy, you take Bear.”
Brian opened the covers, sliding in and turned his back to Ryan. “I said I believed you. Goodnight, Ryan.”
Ryan looked at Brian and stood up, “Good night, Bri.”
After a few minutes of watching Brian feign sleep, Ryan grabbed a spare blanket and moved downstairs to the couch.