(no subject)
100 ways
parts 12-17
Elise
pg13
ryan miller/ brian campbell
12. Orange
Ryan shook his head and said in disbelief, “I can’t believe you finally flew out here.”
“We’ve got the time, bro.” Drew smiled, “And we need to catch up.”
Ryan smiled and nodded, “You’re right. We’ve got to. Things have changed.”
“Have you stopped drinking?” Drew said bluntly.
“Yes. Two months.” Ryan sighed, “Want to save that conversation for later, or have it now?”
Drew shrugged, putting his feet on the dashboard. “Whichever. It just needs to happen. I do want to see this city you keep calling great.”
Ryan swiped Drew’s feet off and laughed, “Yeah, well lets get you settled into the house first, ok? Then maybe dinner and out on the town?”
Drew smirked, “Sounds like a plan, bro.”
They drove a bit more, turning into Ryan’s home. Once inside, Ryan extended his arms, “My humble abode,” he said, “Do you need anything?”
Drew shrugged, discarding his backpack in the corner, “Nice place. I guess the sabres pay you well.”
Ryan rolled his eyes and laughed, “Yeah, well, I’m not a stanley cup champion or anything.”
Drew made a face but Ryan turned before seeing it. Drew filed the information for later. He was beginning to see the source of Ryan’s issues. Ryan had always been his perfect older brother. He was good at everything. He got the girls, the grades, the parent’s attention... Drew had spent most of his highschool career trying to beat Ryan’s records. Now that they both played in the NHL, Drew had built his own niche, his own place. He began to see the cracks in Ryan’s exterior. He began to realize that Ryan felt like a failure. Drew ducked his head. Him winning the cup this past year must have really hurt him. Drew felt a bit resentful because he never excelled at anything in his parents eyes. It was always Ryan. It was strange thinking that he could possibly be why Ryan began to drink. It was strange thinking his brother wasn’t the superhero they all made him out to be. Drew sighed, “So uh... show me around?”
Ryan nodded and moved into the kitchen area. “This is where I cook...”
“Bullshit.” Said a familiar voice.
Ryan turned, grinning, “Brian! You’re here! Drew has come for the weekend.”
Brian turned and greeted Ryan’s younger brother. “Hey, I’m Brian Campbell. I do all the cooking. Ryan burns things.”
Drew smiled and shook Brian’s hand. “Oh, I know. You’re skills on the ice are well known.”
Brian blushed a bit, “So, are you staying for dinner? I’ve got a pasta primavera planned out.”
Ryan walked over to the food on the counter, “Ohhh... this will go great with the foccacia bread I got earlier.”
Drew furrowed his eyebrows, noting their interaction. “Yeah, dinner sounds great. Can I help?”
Brian looked at Ryan and said, “Sure?”
“Yeah, Definitely.” Ryan said, walking up to Brian and putting an arm around him.
Drew cleared his throat, “So uh... you two are really close, yeah?”
Brian laughed, “You could say that.”
Raising an eyebrow, Ryan said, “What do you mean?”
“You’re awfully close.” Drew pointed out. “I mean... are you distracted at all? Is this helping?”
Both men looked at each other and felt nervous. “Well,” Brian started, “We’re... not anything right now. I’m just taking care of Ryan and enjoying my time near him.”
“And I’m doing the same to Brian.” Ryan said, “That’s ok, right?”
“Yeah!” Drew said quickly, covering his tracks. Another fight with Ryan was not what he needed. “It’s just weird.” he continued.
Ryan froze. “weird?”
Drew blushed, “Sudden. Strange. Unknown. More things you haven’t shared with me. We used to tell everything to each other.”
Ryan drew back, looking distant, “I don’t share that much with anyone.”
“That’s going to change, though, right?” Brian asked.
Ryan shrugged and looked at his brother, “are you cool with this?”
“Are you gay?” Drew asked bluntly.
Ryan shook his head, “N...no....”
“You are, aren't you?” Drew said, “Why don’t you ever speak to me.”
“I don’t have to tell you everything”
“No,” Drew said, “but you should tell me some things. I mean, I’m blood.”
Ryan looked down, obviously upset by the conversation. Brian cleared his throat, “Ok... so food, dinner... what would you like to do while you’re here, Drew?”
Drew leaned back and was about to remark sarcastically when he looked at his older brother. Ryan had a barely noticeable tremble to him and it scared Drew. Ryan was always the stronger and tougher of the two. He sighed, “Well... there’s your zoo...”
Ryan looked up, eyebrow raised, “You want to go to the zoo?”
Drew shrugged, “You can’t be the only monkey I see on this trip.”
Laughing, Ryan pointed at Drew and looked at Brian, “This is what I have to put up with. For 23 miserable years.”
Drew slapped Ryan on the back, thankful for the break in tension, “You mean blessed years. Blessed.”
Brian shook his head, smirking, returning to dinner.
13. Yellow
“Scared, Miller?” The senator player said as he flew around the net.
Ryan glared, focusing on the game ahead. Trying to ignore his tormentor.
“Hey,” The forward said, “I’ve got a proposition. If I get this in, you have to take a shot. That is if you can handle your liquor.”
Ryan’s head snapped to the other player, eyes wide at the remark. The other player laughed, and it was too late. The puck flew in before Ryan could stop it. After much cheering, the man skated back around and said, “Where’s your head at, Miller? You used to be great.”
14. green
Ryan took his hat off as he entered the pub restaurant. He sighed and rubbed the back of his neck, Brian at his side. “Are you sure, Ry? I mean... we could go home.”
Ryan paused and said, his voice exhausted, “I just want to have dinner with my teammates. It’s ok for their to be alcohol. I won’t go insane.”
“Is it too soon, is all I’m asking.” Brian pointed out, spotting the others in their usual corner.
Ryan shook his head and waved, walking ahead of Brian. “You’re babying me.”
“Fine.” Brian said, walking after the goalie.
They arrived to greetings and slaps on the back. Maxim stood next to Brian and whispered, “You brought him here? You can’t bring an alcoholic to a bar.”
“Is that all I am?” Ryan said coldly, looking up at the two players.
“No.” Maxim said, “But we don’t want to risk a relapse.”
“I am here for dinner, but if my company isn’t welcomed.” Ryan stood up after barely having sat down.
Tim spoke up, hands raised. “Whoa... Ryan, you’re of course welcomed. It’s not the same without you... We just don’t want to hurt you.”
“I’m not fragile.” Ryan said, “I just wanted dinner with my team.”
“Then let’s eat.” Thomas said, passing a menu to Ryan.
Ryan calmed down a bit visibly. Exchanging glances, Maxim and Brian took the empty chairs around Ryan. Noticing, Ryan bristled slightly. He was being watched. Maybe he should go home. Andrew Peters sat on the far end, sipping his beer, and trying to keep it hidden. Ryan sighed again. He wished he could responsibly drink, but he knew he couldn’t. He needed a beer after tonight’s game. Maxim leaned over and whispered, “We won, did you forget?”
Ryan raised an eyebrow, “Huh? Yeah, i know.”
“Then smile.”
“We barely won.” Ryan pointed out. “I’m just going over the three I let in.”
Tim grabbed a breadstick from the center of the table and said, “In contrast to the 33 saves.”
Ryan shrugged, his foot beginning to tap. “You’re shot was pretty amazing. Emery looked bewildered. Never saw it.”
Tim smiled and nodded, “The way I like it.”
“Don’t we all.” Spacek said, “We’re getting there.”
Ryan looked at his team, seeing their disappointment in him. He sighed. “I think I’ll go home. You guys understand, right?”
Brian opened his mouth and Ryan said, “Alone. I’m fine. Just tired. That was a long game.”
Nodding, Brian sat back down and the group said their goodbyes. Ryan left knowing that he just couldn’t handle it.
15. Blue
“So...” Ryan said, nibbling his lips, “You have to go.”
“It’s not like I want to go, Ryan.” Brian said, exasperated, “Gimme a break here.”
“No, no, you misunderstood. I know. Your sister-in-law is sick.” Ryan raised the glass to his lips, drinking the orange juice slowly. “I get it.”
The red haired defenseman sighed. “Don’t do this.”
Shaking his head, Ryan headed for the other room, turning on the television. He didn’t mean to start a fight, but this impromptu trip came out of the blue. Brian and him were supposed to spend the entire weekend together. All plans were canceled. Ryan selfishly noted that Brian wasn’t a doctor and couldn’t help. Deciding on ESPN, Ryan leaned back, barely paying attention to the sports announcers. He felt Brian sit next to him. Brian reached over, placing his hand on Ryan’s knee, watching sports with him. “You hate football.” Brian deadpanned.
Ryan focused then scrunched his nose, “Is that what I’m watching?”
Shutting it off, Ryan picked up a magazine and flipped through it. He wasn’t going to question Brian’s trip. He was just going to let him go. Ryan would then be alone for however long Brian needed to run from him. Brian took the magazine away from Ryan, who bitterly said, “I was reading that. Enjoying it.”
“You were not. Please talk to me like a normal human being.” Brian adjusted his body, so that he had Ryan pinned with one leg.
Ryan gently stroked his hand casually up and down Brian’s leg. “Sorry. I don’t want you to go.”
“You don’t need me.”
“I always need you.”
“It’s just a few days.”
Ryan shrugged, “Yeah, I know. I just... those will be long days.”
Brian smiled, leaning his head on Ryan’s shoulder, “I’ll call. Write every day. Request songs for you on the radio.”
With a chuckle, Ryan shoved Brian’s legs off him. “Ok, fine. I’m being stupid, i get it.”
“Not stupid, but perhaps a little silly.” Brian said. He watched Ryan’s features change as he digested the comment. Ryan nodded. Brian continued, “It’s been a long day, and I can’t have a fight with you. I need you to support me while I make sure my family is alright. please?”
“I’m sorry.” Ryan said, “I’ve just been really focussed on me, i guess... too much.”
“I didn’t mean it like that.” Brian said, “I like focussing on you. I like paying attention to you. Us.”
“What does that mean?” Ryan said, “Are we an ‘us’?”
Brian shook his head, “I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m going to have an answer for you tonight.”
Ryan nodded and leaned his head back. “I’m going to go to bed.”
Brian leaned over, giving Ryan a quick peck on the lips. “Sweet dreams.”
With a smile to show he had heard him, Ryan trudged off to bed.
16. purple
Ryan hated purple shirts. He realized as he watched his therapist in disbelief that perhaps he had grown cynical in his recovery. Looking at the notepad in front of him and the fingerpaints, Ryan sighed and thought, perhaps, maybe, it was that his therapist was as intelligent as a paint chip. “You want me to what?”
“Paint your feelings.” DJ said patiently.
“No.” Ryan sat back, “Come on DJ, just give me a solid bill of health.”
DJ moved back a bit, adjusting his purple polo, and giving Ryan his space, making Ryan feel like an animal. “You know I can’t do that.”
“Ok, so what must I do to prove to you that I’m fine. I just went out of control.” Ryan leaned forward. Perhaps it was about time to work with the therapist.
“For starters, I need you to tell me a bit more about your life, your stressers. Think about how you felt the period of time before you decide to get a drink. What is that like?” DJ eyed the paint then Ryan’s face, unflinching.
Ryan squirmed a bit, “Well... i get really disappointed and... sad? Well... not sad... just depressed.... no...” Ryan struggled, “Just... down.”
“So have you ever called your family?” DJ asked, “Ever speak to Drew? Or your mom?”
“They do not need to be bothered by me.” Ryan said, “They’ve got other worries.”
“How about your teammates? Your friends?” DJ pushed.
“I don’t know!” Ryan said, frustrated, “I mean, I talk to them now, but not then. They wouldn’t understand that I need to drink.”
“Do they understand now?”
“No.” Ryan said, angrily, “They treat me like a child. Or like I’m going to break.”
“So what do you do when you get stressed out?”
Ryan began to nervously pick at his thumb nail and shrugged, “I don’t know.”
DJ decided to hold out, waiting patiently. Ryan looked at the clock, then DJ, then his feet. another sigh, Ryan said, “Ok... I talk to Soupy when I’m stressed, or I crawl into bed and stop talking to people. Or, i hit the rink earlier than anyone else to be alone.”
“Some of those are really good. Tell me about Soupy? Who is that?”
Ryan raised an eyebrow. He said softly, “Soupy... I don’t know who he is anymore. He’s my teammate, and he’s my best friend. He’s someone I want to be with for the rest of my life, and he also... is mad at me. He’s getting impatient. He needs someone else, when all I need is him.”
“Why do you think he’s mad at you?”
“I’m afraid he won’t stick around.” Ryan’s breath hitched and he covered his mouth, “And I don’t want him to leave, not like... He can’t leave me behind.”
“Like who, Ryan?” DJ asked quietly.
Ryan shook his head and then placed it in his hands. “Please...Please let me go home.”
DJ nodded, “Sounds like a good plan. You accomplished a lot today, Ryan. Take those paints home, see what you come up with.”
Ryan stood up and left for the door, eyes glossy, shoulders hunched. DJ mentally took note that RYan had walked into the room confident, and then left depressed. The key was Soupy and this mystery person who had abandoned the young goalie.
17. Brown
Maxim walked into Ryan’s apartment and cupped his hands. “Get the hell out here!!”
Ryan walked out of his bedroom, dressed in his pajamas, and hands covered in paint. “Max... it’s 11:30 at night.”
“You haven’t left the house in two days. You missed practice today.” Maxim walked further into the apartment, arms crossed. “Explain.”
Looking at the calendar, Ryan swore, “I’m sorry... I lost track of the days. I’ll call Lindy.”
“No, he’s going to take it out on you tomorrow’s practice.” Maxim ran a hand through his hair, “Is this because Brian left for family reasons.”
“No.” Ryan said quickly, “I mean, maybe.”
“Christ, would you two marry already? You sound like my parents.” Walking over to the kitchen, Maxim began to piffle through for some food.
“Can I help you, or are you here to yell?” Ryan crossed his arms as Maxim pulled out some fruit.
“I’m here to kick your ass into shape. Brian and you are closer than any of us had ever imagined. You’re hurting him. You’re hurting yourself. You haven’t drank in a really long time, so whats the problem.”
“Did you know that no matter what I paint, it always turns out brown? it’s like all the hard work I do, it just gets muddled. It turns into mud.”
Maxim, to his credit, listened intently. Ryan licked his lips and began to pace a bit. “So,” He continued, “Brown is just something that happens and I can’t fix, but then I realized that I had made it, using every color. The red, the green, the blue, the yellow... I made brown, and so... so DJ tricked me.”
“Your therapist is not tricking you.”
“I’m like the painting.”
“Oh here comes the hippie shit.”
“I’m all disgusting and brown and nasty and muddled and confused right now, but I did this. I mixed all these elements together to get this. I just gotta figure out what it’s all made of. Deconstruct it.”
Maxim stood up, stroking his chin, “That makes sense. scarily enough.”
Ryan shrugged, “I think I love Brian.”
Eyes lowering into slits, Maxim said, “If you break his heart, I’ll kill you, Millsy.”
“I’m not going to do a thing about it.” Ryan said, “Brian ran away. From me.”
“This would be the brown part of the conversation, I presume.”
“mock me if you will, but I am almost ready to face things. I mean, maybe.” Ryan sighed, sitting down.
“I’m fairly certain you’ve lost your mind.” Maxim sat down on the kitchen counter, eating his apple.
Ryan shrugged, “I think that’s established.” he waved his hand around, “Brown...”
Maxim shut his eyes and sighed, “Ok, Miller. You’re getting out of this house. We’re going out.”
“I think I need to go on a trip.” Ryan said, “Take an extended break.”
“What? You’ve got a job to do, Ryan. You can’t runaway like you’re some little kid. You need to suck it up and practice.” Maxim sighed, “Do I have to get Lindy here?”
Ryan rolled his eyes, “Get out of my house, Max.”
“Will you be at practice tomorrow?” Maxim asked.
“Do I value my skin?” Ryan said before leaving the kitchen.
Ok, it'll be a bit before I post again, because i still need to write more. I'm at 30 chapters. Wish me luck!!!
parts 12-17
Elise
pg13
ryan miller/ brian campbell
12. Orange
Ryan shook his head and said in disbelief, “I can’t believe you finally flew out here.”
“We’ve got the time, bro.” Drew smiled, “And we need to catch up.”
Ryan smiled and nodded, “You’re right. We’ve got to. Things have changed.”
“Have you stopped drinking?” Drew said bluntly.
“Yes. Two months.” Ryan sighed, “Want to save that conversation for later, or have it now?”
Drew shrugged, putting his feet on the dashboard. “Whichever. It just needs to happen. I do want to see this city you keep calling great.”
Ryan swiped Drew’s feet off and laughed, “Yeah, well lets get you settled into the house first, ok? Then maybe dinner and out on the town?”
Drew smirked, “Sounds like a plan, bro.”
They drove a bit more, turning into Ryan’s home. Once inside, Ryan extended his arms, “My humble abode,” he said, “Do you need anything?”
Drew shrugged, discarding his backpack in the corner, “Nice place. I guess the sabres pay you well.”
Ryan rolled his eyes and laughed, “Yeah, well, I’m not a stanley cup champion or anything.”
Drew made a face but Ryan turned before seeing it. Drew filed the information for later. He was beginning to see the source of Ryan’s issues. Ryan had always been his perfect older brother. He was good at everything. He got the girls, the grades, the parent’s attention... Drew had spent most of his highschool career trying to beat Ryan’s records. Now that they both played in the NHL, Drew had built his own niche, his own place. He began to see the cracks in Ryan’s exterior. He began to realize that Ryan felt like a failure. Drew ducked his head. Him winning the cup this past year must have really hurt him. Drew felt a bit resentful because he never excelled at anything in his parents eyes. It was always Ryan. It was strange thinking that he could possibly be why Ryan began to drink. It was strange thinking his brother wasn’t the superhero they all made him out to be. Drew sighed, “So uh... show me around?”
Ryan nodded and moved into the kitchen area. “This is where I cook...”
“Bullshit.” Said a familiar voice.
Ryan turned, grinning, “Brian! You’re here! Drew has come for the weekend.”
Brian turned and greeted Ryan’s younger brother. “Hey, I’m Brian Campbell. I do all the cooking. Ryan burns things.”
Drew smiled and shook Brian’s hand. “Oh, I know. You’re skills on the ice are well known.”
Brian blushed a bit, “So, are you staying for dinner? I’ve got a pasta primavera planned out.”
Ryan walked over to the food on the counter, “Ohhh... this will go great with the foccacia bread I got earlier.”
Drew furrowed his eyebrows, noting their interaction. “Yeah, dinner sounds great. Can I help?”
Brian looked at Ryan and said, “Sure?”
“Yeah, Definitely.” Ryan said, walking up to Brian and putting an arm around him.
Drew cleared his throat, “So uh... you two are really close, yeah?”
Brian laughed, “You could say that.”
Raising an eyebrow, Ryan said, “What do you mean?”
“You’re awfully close.” Drew pointed out. “I mean... are you distracted at all? Is this helping?”
Both men looked at each other and felt nervous. “Well,” Brian started, “We’re... not anything right now. I’m just taking care of Ryan and enjoying my time near him.”
“And I’m doing the same to Brian.” Ryan said, “That’s ok, right?”
“Yeah!” Drew said quickly, covering his tracks. Another fight with Ryan was not what he needed. “It’s just weird.” he continued.
Ryan froze. “weird?”
Drew blushed, “Sudden. Strange. Unknown. More things you haven’t shared with me. We used to tell everything to each other.”
Ryan drew back, looking distant, “I don’t share that much with anyone.”
“That’s going to change, though, right?” Brian asked.
Ryan shrugged and looked at his brother, “are you cool with this?”
“Are you gay?” Drew asked bluntly.
Ryan shook his head, “N...no....”
“You are, aren't you?” Drew said, “Why don’t you ever speak to me.”
“I don’t have to tell you everything”
“No,” Drew said, “but you should tell me some things. I mean, I’m blood.”
Ryan looked down, obviously upset by the conversation. Brian cleared his throat, “Ok... so food, dinner... what would you like to do while you’re here, Drew?”
Drew leaned back and was about to remark sarcastically when he looked at his older brother. Ryan had a barely noticeable tremble to him and it scared Drew. Ryan was always the stronger and tougher of the two. He sighed, “Well... there’s your zoo...”
Ryan looked up, eyebrow raised, “You want to go to the zoo?”
Drew shrugged, “You can’t be the only monkey I see on this trip.”
Laughing, Ryan pointed at Drew and looked at Brian, “This is what I have to put up with. For 23 miserable years.”
Drew slapped Ryan on the back, thankful for the break in tension, “You mean blessed years. Blessed.”
Brian shook his head, smirking, returning to dinner.
13. Yellow
“Scared, Miller?” The senator player said as he flew around the net.
Ryan glared, focusing on the game ahead. Trying to ignore his tormentor.
“Hey,” The forward said, “I’ve got a proposition. If I get this in, you have to take a shot. That is if you can handle your liquor.”
Ryan’s head snapped to the other player, eyes wide at the remark. The other player laughed, and it was too late. The puck flew in before Ryan could stop it. After much cheering, the man skated back around and said, “Where’s your head at, Miller? You used to be great.”
14. green
Ryan took his hat off as he entered the pub restaurant. He sighed and rubbed the back of his neck, Brian at his side. “Are you sure, Ry? I mean... we could go home.”
Ryan paused and said, his voice exhausted, “I just want to have dinner with my teammates. It’s ok for their to be alcohol. I won’t go insane.”
“Is it too soon, is all I’m asking.” Brian pointed out, spotting the others in their usual corner.
Ryan shook his head and waved, walking ahead of Brian. “You’re babying me.”
“Fine.” Brian said, walking after the goalie.
They arrived to greetings and slaps on the back. Maxim stood next to Brian and whispered, “You brought him here? You can’t bring an alcoholic to a bar.”
“Is that all I am?” Ryan said coldly, looking up at the two players.
“No.” Maxim said, “But we don’t want to risk a relapse.”
“I am here for dinner, but if my company isn’t welcomed.” Ryan stood up after barely having sat down.
Tim spoke up, hands raised. “Whoa... Ryan, you’re of course welcomed. It’s not the same without you... We just don’t want to hurt you.”
“I’m not fragile.” Ryan said, “I just wanted dinner with my team.”
“Then let’s eat.” Thomas said, passing a menu to Ryan.
Ryan calmed down a bit visibly. Exchanging glances, Maxim and Brian took the empty chairs around Ryan. Noticing, Ryan bristled slightly. He was being watched. Maybe he should go home. Andrew Peters sat on the far end, sipping his beer, and trying to keep it hidden. Ryan sighed again. He wished he could responsibly drink, but he knew he couldn’t. He needed a beer after tonight’s game. Maxim leaned over and whispered, “We won, did you forget?”
Ryan raised an eyebrow, “Huh? Yeah, i know.”
“Then smile.”
“We barely won.” Ryan pointed out. “I’m just going over the three I let in.”
Tim grabbed a breadstick from the center of the table and said, “In contrast to the 33 saves.”
Ryan shrugged, his foot beginning to tap. “You’re shot was pretty amazing. Emery looked bewildered. Never saw it.”
Tim smiled and nodded, “The way I like it.”
“Don’t we all.” Spacek said, “We’re getting there.”
Ryan looked at his team, seeing their disappointment in him. He sighed. “I think I’ll go home. You guys understand, right?”
Brian opened his mouth and Ryan said, “Alone. I’m fine. Just tired. That was a long game.”
Nodding, Brian sat back down and the group said their goodbyes. Ryan left knowing that he just couldn’t handle it.
15. Blue
“So...” Ryan said, nibbling his lips, “You have to go.”
“It’s not like I want to go, Ryan.” Brian said, exasperated, “Gimme a break here.”
“No, no, you misunderstood. I know. Your sister-in-law is sick.” Ryan raised the glass to his lips, drinking the orange juice slowly. “I get it.”
The red haired defenseman sighed. “Don’t do this.”
Shaking his head, Ryan headed for the other room, turning on the television. He didn’t mean to start a fight, but this impromptu trip came out of the blue. Brian and him were supposed to spend the entire weekend together. All plans were canceled. Ryan selfishly noted that Brian wasn’t a doctor and couldn’t help. Deciding on ESPN, Ryan leaned back, barely paying attention to the sports announcers. He felt Brian sit next to him. Brian reached over, placing his hand on Ryan’s knee, watching sports with him. “You hate football.” Brian deadpanned.
Ryan focused then scrunched his nose, “Is that what I’m watching?”
Shutting it off, Ryan picked up a magazine and flipped through it. He wasn’t going to question Brian’s trip. He was just going to let him go. Ryan would then be alone for however long Brian needed to run from him. Brian took the magazine away from Ryan, who bitterly said, “I was reading that. Enjoying it.”
“You were not. Please talk to me like a normal human being.” Brian adjusted his body, so that he had Ryan pinned with one leg.
Ryan gently stroked his hand casually up and down Brian’s leg. “Sorry. I don’t want you to go.”
“You don’t need me.”
“I always need you.”
“It’s just a few days.”
Ryan shrugged, “Yeah, I know. I just... those will be long days.”
Brian smiled, leaning his head on Ryan’s shoulder, “I’ll call. Write every day. Request songs for you on the radio.”
With a chuckle, Ryan shoved Brian’s legs off him. “Ok, fine. I’m being stupid, i get it.”
“Not stupid, but perhaps a little silly.” Brian said. He watched Ryan’s features change as he digested the comment. Ryan nodded. Brian continued, “It’s been a long day, and I can’t have a fight with you. I need you to support me while I make sure my family is alright. please?”
“I’m sorry.” Ryan said, “I’ve just been really focussed on me, i guess... too much.”
“I didn’t mean it like that.” Brian said, “I like focussing on you. I like paying attention to you. Us.”
“What does that mean?” Ryan said, “Are we an ‘us’?”
Brian shook his head, “I don’t know. I don’t know if I’m going to have an answer for you tonight.”
Ryan nodded and leaned his head back. “I’m going to go to bed.”
Brian leaned over, giving Ryan a quick peck on the lips. “Sweet dreams.”
With a smile to show he had heard him, Ryan trudged off to bed.
16. purple
Ryan hated purple shirts. He realized as he watched his therapist in disbelief that perhaps he had grown cynical in his recovery. Looking at the notepad in front of him and the fingerpaints, Ryan sighed and thought, perhaps, maybe, it was that his therapist was as intelligent as a paint chip. “You want me to what?”
“Paint your feelings.” DJ said patiently.
“No.” Ryan sat back, “Come on DJ, just give me a solid bill of health.”
DJ moved back a bit, adjusting his purple polo, and giving Ryan his space, making Ryan feel like an animal. “You know I can’t do that.”
“Ok, so what must I do to prove to you that I’m fine. I just went out of control.” Ryan leaned forward. Perhaps it was about time to work with the therapist.
“For starters, I need you to tell me a bit more about your life, your stressers. Think about how you felt the period of time before you decide to get a drink. What is that like?” DJ eyed the paint then Ryan’s face, unflinching.
Ryan squirmed a bit, “Well... i get really disappointed and... sad? Well... not sad... just depressed.... no...” Ryan struggled, “Just... down.”
“So have you ever called your family?” DJ asked, “Ever speak to Drew? Or your mom?”
“They do not need to be bothered by me.” Ryan said, “They’ve got other worries.”
“How about your teammates? Your friends?” DJ pushed.
“I don’t know!” Ryan said, frustrated, “I mean, I talk to them now, but not then. They wouldn’t understand that I need to drink.”
“Do they understand now?”
“No.” Ryan said, angrily, “They treat me like a child. Or like I’m going to break.”
“So what do you do when you get stressed out?”
Ryan began to nervously pick at his thumb nail and shrugged, “I don’t know.”
DJ decided to hold out, waiting patiently. Ryan looked at the clock, then DJ, then his feet. another sigh, Ryan said, “Ok... I talk to Soupy when I’m stressed, or I crawl into bed and stop talking to people. Or, i hit the rink earlier than anyone else to be alone.”
“Some of those are really good. Tell me about Soupy? Who is that?”
Ryan raised an eyebrow. He said softly, “Soupy... I don’t know who he is anymore. He’s my teammate, and he’s my best friend. He’s someone I want to be with for the rest of my life, and he also... is mad at me. He’s getting impatient. He needs someone else, when all I need is him.”
“Why do you think he’s mad at you?”
“I’m afraid he won’t stick around.” Ryan’s breath hitched and he covered his mouth, “And I don’t want him to leave, not like... He can’t leave me behind.”
“Like who, Ryan?” DJ asked quietly.
Ryan shook his head and then placed it in his hands. “Please...Please let me go home.”
DJ nodded, “Sounds like a good plan. You accomplished a lot today, Ryan. Take those paints home, see what you come up with.”
Ryan stood up and left for the door, eyes glossy, shoulders hunched. DJ mentally took note that RYan had walked into the room confident, and then left depressed. The key was Soupy and this mystery person who had abandoned the young goalie.
17. Brown
Maxim walked into Ryan’s apartment and cupped his hands. “Get the hell out here!!”
Ryan walked out of his bedroom, dressed in his pajamas, and hands covered in paint. “Max... it’s 11:30 at night.”
“You haven’t left the house in two days. You missed practice today.” Maxim walked further into the apartment, arms crossed. “Explain.”
Looking at the calendar, Ryan swore, “I’m sorry... I lost track of the days. I’ll call Lindy.”
“No, he’s going to take it out on you tomorrow’s practice.” Maxim ran a hand through his hair, “Is this because Brian left for family reasons.”
“No.” Ryan said quickly, “I mean, maybe.”
“Christ, would you two marry already? You sound like my parents.” Walking over to the kitchen, Maxim began to piffle through for some food.
“Can I help you, or are you here to yell?” Ryan crossed his arms as Maxim pulled out some fruit.
“I’m here to kick your ass into shape. Brian and you are closer than any of us had ever imagined. You’re hurting him. You’re hurting yourself. You haven’t drank in a really long time, so whats the problem.”
“Did you know that no matter what I paint, it always turns out brown? it’s like all the hard work I do, it just gets muddled. It turns into mud.”
Maxim, to his credit, listened intently. Ryan licked his lips and began to pace a bit. “So,” He continued, “Brown is just something that happens and I can’t fix, but then I realized that I had made it, using every color. The red, the green, the blue, the yellow... I made brown, and so... so DJ tricked me.”
“Your therapist is not tricking you.”
“I’m like the painting.”
“Oh here comes the hippie shit.”
“I’m all disgusting and brown and nasty and muddled and confused right now, but I did this. I mixed all these elements together to get this. I just gotta figure out what it’s all made of. Deconstruct it.”
Maxim stood up, stroking his chin, “That makes sense. scarily enough.”
Ryan shrugged, “I think I love Brian.”
Eyes lowering into slits, Maxim said, “If you break his heart, I’ll kill you, Millsy.”
“I’m not going to do a thing about it.” Ryan said, “Brian ran away. From me.”
“This would be the brown part of the conversation, I presume.”
“mock me if you will, but I am almost ready to face things. I mean, maybe.” Ryan sighed, sitting down.
“I’m fairly certain you’ve lost your mind.” Maxim sat down on the kitchen counter, eating his apple.
Ryan shrugged, “I think that’s established.” he waved his hand around, “Brown...”
Maxim shut his eyes and sighed, “Ok, Miller. You’re getting out of this house. We’re going out.”
“I think I need to go on a trip.” Ryan said, “Take an extended break.”
“What? You’ve got a job to do, Ryan. You can’t runaway like you’re some little kid. You need to suck it up and practice.” Maxim sighed, “Do I have to get Lindy here?”
Ryan rolled his eyes, “Get out of my house, Max.”
“Will you be at practice tomorrow?” Maxim asked.
“Do I value my skin?” Ryan said before leaving the kitchen.
Ok, it'll be a bit before I post again, because i still need to write more. I'm at 30 chapters. Wish me luck!!!