Fic - Hit Parade
TITLE: Hit Parade
AUTHOR: m31andy
FANDOM: Life on Mars
RATING: Blue Cortina for smutty language. Het and Femmeslash (and implied slash).
WORD COUNT: 1,300 words
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Written for the Life on Mars 2009 Ficathon, for iicaptain, prompt: "Phyllis, promiscuity with one/all others". Song titles used are listed at the end. With thanks to cuvalwen for the beta and encouragement (and ice cream) and with many apologies to iicaptain and lozenger8 for being so pathetically late with this! Also, huge thank yous to darthfi who came up with the fic concept (and then made me write the blighter!)
DISCLAIMER: Life on Mars is copyright Kudos and the BBC. All Rights Reserved. No copyright infringement is intended and no money is being made.
Hit Parade
Many police stations throughout time and throughout the world have prided themselves on their initiation for new recruits. The fine Metropolitan Police Force of our nation's capital would stamp their new female detectives' arses with "Property of the Met". Many others would endeavour to induce alcohol poisoning in the initiate by judicious application of vast quantities of beer and spirits at several of the roughest watering holes in the local area. But Manchester Police Force had long prided itself on having a unique and unsurpassed initiation into their 'A' division. It was known as "Trial by Desk Sergeant"...
Manc Monday
"I can't believe that it's still so hard. And it's been out for over half an hour."
"Let me see… Ahhh... It seems it might finally be ready. Want to try again?"
"I'm all for it. But I do hope that we don't break something this time."
"Your face was a picture when the end flew across the room."
"Darn near gave me a heart attack, I can tell you. I thought it was going to clock you one on your ear. You've got good reflexes, you know."
"Learned that at my schoolmaster's knee. He was an absolute devil for throwing bits of chalk. Accurate as well. Clobbered me best friend Arthur with a blackboard duster just for passing a note in class. Would've been me as well, if I hadn't been quick. Had to swallow it. Damn thing tasted awful."
"Not like this then. Mmm. It's very creamy. And the little lumps are nice as well. Well-soaked."
"Rather tangy, actually. Not my favourite flavour."
"It's definitely an acquired taste. I bet you'd prefer something a little more… Scottish, perhaps?"
"Now you're talking."
"I don't think whisky'd work with this though."
"… You're right. We'll just have to crack another open after we've reached the bottom. Mmm. You're right, it does taste nice, just that nice balance of sweet and sharp. OW!"
"What's the matter?"
"Teeth! Ow, ow, ow!"
"I didn't realise you were that sensitive."
"Isn't everyone?!"
"Hang on a minute. Drink this. Are you feeling a bit better now?"
"Thanks love. Ah, that's better. And thanks to you as well for agreeing to be discreet about this."
"Don't think I'm doing it just for you. Belinda is one of my very best friends and I know her far too well. This is purely self-preservation."
"Yeah. Well, still. Look, you finish off the ice cream, while I deal the next hand. You're right - good Scotch doesn't go with Rum 'n' Raisin."
Ruby Tuesday
"Cor, love. I'd never have thought you'd wear those under your uniform. Very sexy. But doesn't all that lace itch?"
"I only wear these on special occasions, I'll have you know."
"So I won't be likely to see those if I sneak into the women's locker room one morning?"
"You're likely not to see anything ever again if you do."
"Spoil sport."
"Now you... Interesting. I've never seen a pair of those like that before."
"What do you think? Practical, outrageous and sexy, eh?"
"One out of three aint bad, I suppose."
"Oh?"
"I don't particularly find those sexy."
"Y-fronts not your thing?"
"Not in leopard skin print, no."
"They're all the rage at the moment. Amongst the hip-and-happening youth of today. Figures you wouldn't know much about it."
"… Oh! You cheeky devil!"
………
"Ow, that hurt!"
"Good. Have another."
………
"OW! Give over!"
"And another."
………
"But I'm not into all that kinky stuff!"
"You might say so, love, but your John Thomas says different. Bend over, Constable. You've been a very naughty boy."
Wednesday Week
"Here, I brought you summat."
"Oh, thank you. Milk Tray. My favourite."
"I wasn't sure, you see. How to go about this."
"Well, this is the first time anyone of you lot has given me chocolates, for a start."
"Oh."
"But that's good. Thank you."
"Great. Er…"
"Come through, and make yourself comfortable. You can hang your coat up there. The sitting room is just through here."
"Nice, isn't it?"
"Thank you, I like it anyway. Drink?"
"Ta. Have you got any orange squash?"
"I was thinking of something a little stronger, but yes."
"It's just… me throat's a bit dry that's all."
"Huh. Well, here you are."
"Ta…. Er. So what, um, happens now?"
"For a start let's see what we've got to work with."
"Ma'am?"
"Come on. Strip off."
"Oh, okay."
"That's right, top first. You've not much hair on your chest, have you? I like a man with a hairy chest." And the trousers. Take your socks of first. No woman likes a man who keeps his socks on... My, my, you are eager, aren't you? Let's see… Nice size, good and firm… Bloody hell!"
"Oh! Oh! Sorry!"
"And this skirt is dry clean only as well! I'll be sending you the bill for that."
"I… I…"
"Look, never mind. You were just a bit quick off the mark there. Go and get yourself cleaned up. There's still plenty left you can do."
"I don't understand."
"The bathroom is just there. Mop yourself up and come through to the bedroom when you're done."
"Oh, okay."
………
"Right then, let's see… Blimey! Already?"
"Me mum say's I've got really good recuperative powers."
"I… I really don't want to know."
"Well, that was when I broke me leg. But it's sort of the same thing, isn't it? She did say it wasn't a super power, like in the comics, though."
"Oh, I don't know, pet. There are one or two jobs you could do that it'd definitely be an advantage for. Now let's see…"
"Shit!"
"Bloody hell! Your nickname will be Quick Draw McGraw round the station after this."
"You're not going to tell anyone, are you!?"
"Now that depends… Again?"
"Yeah, it does that a lot."
"Really? … How much is 'a lot'?"
"Dunno. Never counted, really."
"Well then. Fancy a bit of experimentation? It looks like you're up for it."
Any Git on Thursday
"Are you going to spend all night down there?"
"Mmm, hmmm, er. Don't you like it?"
"Well, I wouldn't say that... but half an hour is a long time in anyone's book."
"The back of the knee is a particularly sensitive spot in most human adult females."
"Oh, really. And is that from personal observation or did you just read it in a book?"
"Found it on a website actually."
"You what?"
"Doesn't matter. So the back of the knee is out. What would you rather me do?"
"Well, there is that little matter of what you've come over here to do."
"Not so little, I'll have you know."
"Blimey. So you can crack a joke then. We were all beginning to wonder. Well, then. Get your arse up here and we'll see what you're up for."
………
"Oh, so not that much then."
"Look, I'm sorry, okay."
"Too much dutch courage eh?"
"No, not that."
"You only ever up for it at the full moon?"
"No…"
"So what's the matter, then?"
"Er... To be honest, I'm just not that into you."
"Way to flatter a girl, boss. You could have lied and thought about Britt Eckland. Or Annie..."
"Hey. I didn't think that right. You should concentrate on the person you're with."
"Better that than the other. And, as I'm not letting you out of this room until you've put up something of a performance…"
"Oh?" … "All right then."
"Right. Now, let's see. Mmm, that's better..."
"Mmm. Ooh!"
"Ooh, mmm!"
"Mmm!"
"OOOOHHHH!!!"
"Ohh, yes! Gene!"
……………
"Oh."
"You're not… You're not going to tell him, are you?"
"Now what would I go and do something like that for? It's going to be much more entertaining coming from you."
Friday - I'm In Love
"Praise the Lord! They've finally sent me a woman!"
The End
Song titles were:
Days - The Kinks
Manic Monday - The Bangles
Ruby Tuesday - Rolling Stones
Wednesday Week - Elvis Costello
Any Given Thursday - John Mayer
Friday I'm in Love - The Cure
AUTHOR: m31andy
FANDOM: Life on Mars
RATING: Blue Cortina for smutty language. Het and Femmeslash (and implied slash).
WORD COUNT: 1,300 words
AUTHOR'S NOTES: Written for the Life on Mars 2009 Ficathon, for iicaptain, prompt: "Phyllis, promiscuity with one/all others". Song titles used are listed at the end. With thanks to cuvalwen for the beta and encouragement (and ice cream) and with many apologies to iicaptain and lozenger8 for being so pathetically late with this! Also, huge thank yous to darthfi who came up with the fic concept (and then made me write the blighter!)
DISCLAIMER: Life on Mars is copyright Kudos and the BBC. All Rights Reserved. No copyright infringement is intended and no money is being made.
Hit Parade
Many police stations throughout time and throughout the world have prided themselves on their initiation for new recruits. The fine Metropolitan Police Force of our nation's capital would stamp their new female detectives' arses with "Property of the Met". Many others would endeavour to induce alcohol poisoning in the initiate by judicious application of vast quantities of beer and spirits at several of the roughest watering holes in the local area. But Manchester Police Force had long prided itself on having a unique and unsurpassed initiation into their 'A' division. It was known as "Trial by Desk Sergeant"...
Manc Monday
"I can't believe that it's still so hard. And it's been out for over half an hour."
"Let me see… Ahhh... It seems it might finally be ready. Want to try again?"
"I'm all for it. But I do hope that we don't break something this time."
"Your face was a picture when the end flew across the room."
"Darn near gave me a heart attack, I can tell you. I thought it was going to clock you one on your ear. You've got good reflexes, you know."
"Learned that at my schoolmaster's knee. He was an absolute devil for throwing bits of chalk. Accurate as well. Clobbered me best friend Arthur with a blackboard duster just for passing a note in class. Would've been me as well, if I hadn't been quick. Had to swallow it. Damn thing tasted awful."
"Not like this then. Mmm. It's very creamy. And the little lumps are nice as well. Well-soaked."
"Rather tangy, actually. Not my favourite flavour."
"It's definitely an acquired taste. I bet you'd prefer something a little more… Scottish, perhaps?"
"Now you're talking."
"I don't think whisky'd work with this though."
"… You're right. We'll just have to crack another open after we've reached the bottom. Mmm. You're right, it does taste nice, just that nice balance of sweet and sharp. OW!"
"What's the matter?"
"Teeth! Ow, ow, ow!"
"I didn't realise you were that sensitive."
"Isn't everyone?!"
"Hang on a minute. Drink this. Are you feeling a bit better now?"
"Thanks love. Ah, that's better. And thanks to you as well for agreeing to be discreet about this."
"Don't think I'm doing it just for you. Belinda is one of my very best friends and I know her far too well. This is purely self-preservation."
"Yeah. Well, still. Look, you finish off the ice cream, while I deal the next hand. You're right - good Scotch doesn't go with Rum 'n' Raisin."
Ruby Tuesday
"Cor, love. I'd never have thought you'd wear those under your uniform. Very sexy. But doesn't all that lace itch?"
"I only wear these on special occasions, I'll have you know."
"So I won't be likely to see those if I sneak into the women's locker room one morning?"
"You're likely not to see anything ever again if you do."
"Spoil sport."
"Now you... Interesting. I've never seen a pair of those like that before."
"What do you think? Practical, outrageous and sexy, eh?"
"One out of three aint bad, I suppose."
"Oh?"
"I don't particularly find those sexy."
"Y-fronts not your thing?"
"Not in leopard skin print, no."
"They're all the rage at the moment. Amongst the hip-and-happening youth of today. Figures you wouldn't know much about it."
"… Oh! You cheeky devil!"
………
"Ow, that hurt!"
"Good. Have another."
………
"OW! Give over!"
"And another."
………
"But I'm not into all that kinky stuff!"
"You might say so, love, but your John Thomas says different. Bend over, Constable. You've been a very naughty boy."
Wednesday Week
"Here, I brought you summat."
"Oh, thank you. Milk Tray. My favourite."
"I wasn't sure, you see. How to go about this."
"Well, this is the first time anyone of you lot has given me chocolates, for a start."
"Oh."
"But that's good. Thank you."
"Great. Er…"
"Come through, and make yourself comfortable. You can hang your coat up there. The sitting room is just through here."
"Nice, isn't it?"
"Thank you, I like it anyway. Drink?"
"Ta. Have you got any orange squash?"
"I was thinking of something a little stronger, but yes."
"It's just… me throat's a bit dry that's all."
"Huh. Well, here you are."
"Ta…. Er. So what, um, happens now?"
"For a start let's see what we've got to work with."
"Ma'am?"
"Come on. Strip off."
"Oh, okay."
"That's right, top first. You've not much hair on your chest, have you? I like a man with a hairy chest." And the trousers. Take your socks of first. No woman likes a man who keeps his socks on... My, my, you are eager, aren't you? Let's see… Nice size, good and firm… Bloody hell!"
"Oh! Oh! Sorry!"
"And this skirt is dry clean only as well! I'll be sending you the bill for that."
"I… I…"
"Look, never mind. You were just a bit quick off the mark there. Go and get yourself cleaned up. There's still plenty left you can do."
"I don't understand."
"The bathroom is just there. Mop yourself up and come through to the bedroom when you're done."
"Oh, okay."
………
"Right then, let's see… Blimey! Already?"
"Me mum say's I've got really good recuperative powers."
"I… I really don't want to know."
"Well, that was when I broke me leg. But it's sort of the same thing, isn't it? She did say it wasn't a super power, like in the comics, though."
"Oh, I don't know, pet. There are one or two jobs you could do that it'd definitely be an advantage for. Now let's see…"
"Shit!"
"Bloody hell! Your nickname will be Quick Draw McGraw round the station after this."
"You're not going to tell anyone, are you!?"
"Now that depends… Again?"
"Yeah, it does that a lot."
"Really? … How much is 'a lot'?"
"Dunno. Never counted, really."
"Well then. Fancy a bit of experimentation? It looks like you're up for it."
Any Git on Thursday
"Are you going to spend all night down there?"
"Mmm, hmmm, er. Don't you like it?"
"Well, I wouldn't say that... but half an hour is a long time in anyone's book."
"The back of the knee is a particularly sensitive spot in most human adult females."
"Oh, really. And is that from personal observation or did you just read it in a book?"
"Found it on a website actually."
"You what?"
"Doesn't matter. So the back of the knee is out. What would you rather me do?"
"Well, there is that little matter of what you've come over here to do."
"Not so little, I'll have you know."
"Blimey. So you can crack a joke then. We were all beginning to wonder. Well, then. Get your arse up here and we'll see what you're up for."
………
"Oh, so not that much then."
"Look, I'm sorry, okay."
"Too much dutch courage eh?"
"No, not that."
"You only ever up for it at the full moon?"
"No…"
"So what's the matter, then?"
"Er... To be honest, I'm just not that into you."
"Way to flatter a girl, boss. You could have lied and thought about Britt Eckland. Or Annie..."
"Hey. I didn't think that right. You should concentrate on the person you're with."
"Better that than the other. And, as I'm not letting you out of this room until you've put up something of a performance…"
"Oh?" … "All right then."
"Right. Now, let's see. Mmm, that's better..."
"Mmm. Ooh!"
"Ooh, mmm!"
"Mmm!"
"OOOOHHHH!!!"
"Ohh, yes! Gene!"
……………
"Oh."
"You're not… You're not going to tell him, are you?"
"Now what would I go and do something like that for? It's going to be much more entertaining coming from you."
Friday - I'm In Love
"Praise the Lord! They've finally sent me a woman!"
The End
Song titles were:
Days - The Kinks
Manic Monday - The Bangles
Ruby Tuesday - Rolling Stones
Wednesday Week - Elvis Costello
Any Given Thursday - John Mayer
Friday I'm in Love - The Cure