THE FANDOM HIGHTIMES: TWELFTH ISSUE!
CHLOE SPEAKS:
Greetings ladies, gentlemen, and those who fit somewhere in between. I want to apologize in advance for this week's editorial. As part of an assignment for Journalistic Integrity, I was given a quill that writes
on its own, to record conversations and interviews. I didn't get a chance to have it record anything during class yesterday, so it seems kind of frantic to write now. And since I don't want to end up like a certain beloved classmate (sorry Callisto!), I'm feeding it my editorial section instead. Let's see what the quill has to say, shall we?
Professor Rita Skeeter has shown her inability to be a proper teacher once again, during the Advanced Journalism class that took place Tuesday morning. After almost no provocation, the fair-haired and bespectacled teacher transformed a student, John Crichton, into a hat, in front of his fellow classmates, Rory Gilmore and Chloe Sullivan.
To those who have been in the classroom before, this was not the cause of much alarm. After all, this semester alone has seen Mr. Crichton become a bug, a meerkat, and an elephant, amongst other things. But though Mr. Crichton was indeed a dashing and fashionable hat, this action leads one to wonder what the complications of such a change could be, and if such frequent transformations into animals and inanimate objects will cause permanent and irreparable damage to the young man.
In addition, one must wonder about the mental state of Fandom High's dear professor. Her attachment to her wand reeks of the Freudian concept of penis envy, and shows an unhealthy reliance on dealing with problems through spell work, in order to keep from having to handle them in a more productive manner.
Has the loss of her husband Wilbur driven Professor Skeeter to madness? It must be pointed out that Mr. Crichton is the only male member of the Advanced Journalism class. Perhaps he appears as a shining beacon of masculinity too closely resembling the professor's once beloved husband? These are all questions that we can only hope will be answered soon, before the potential for damage becomes too great.
PHOEBE SPEAKS:
Life is about choice.
We all have wants and desires. We all have choices and decisions that we must make.
However, what happens when the choices we decide to make impact more than just ourselves? Should we get to decide that our choice is more important than some of the basic rights granted to humanity life as we know it?
If you have a definite reason for a choice you have made and you want to stick by it for whatever reason, does anyone else have the right to try to take that choice out of your hands?
What if it has a serious effect on others?
Are some choices more honourable or graceful than others?
Choice, people.
It's what makes up the very foundation of things in the way we live and interact with others around us.
Choice.
It's up to us what we do with it.
Not a sermon, just a thought.
DANGER DEFENSE
by Victor Borkowski
Last time, I wrote about fear, and making sure it doesn't control you. This issue, I'm going to discuss another important part of self-defense: watching the world around you.
Part 2: Observation.
Whenever you're in a combat situation, it's best to be aware of your surroundings. You'd think that this would be a given, but when you're actually in a fight it's tough to focus on anything but your opponent. However, using observation skills can help give you an advantage when you're in danger.
For example, let's say you're in a tunnel somewhere underground, being chased by a giant alligator. Since it's a tunnel, it seems like you can only go two ways: forward or back into the alligator's jaws. However, if you look around, you might find a passageway that bends to the left or right, or even a ladder that leads to the surface. If you just face forward and focus on what's directly in front of you, though, you might run into a dead end, or, even worse, down a waterfall or something. You'd think this wouldn't be possible, but then again you haven't been to the sewers underneath my school. But I'm getting off the subject here. The point is that by paying attention to your surroundings, you open up more options in case you need to flee.
But what if you're forced to fight? How can observation help you, then? Well, for one, if you observe your opponent's movements, you can sometimes guess what they're going to do next. For example, if you're fighting someone and you notice that he's untying his shoe, then you can guess that he's probably going to kick it at you, and prepare to dodge out of the way. Also, by watching your opponent closely you can see ways to get past their defenses, like a chink in his or her armor or the fact that he or she always leaves his or her neck exposed (and believe me, if you see this shot, take it! Getting punched in the throat hurts!).
Next week, I'll be taking some of these observation tips and applying them to our next topic: Weapons. See you in seven!
PROFILE: DR. CHRISTIAN TROY
by Veronica Mars
Dr. Christian Troy, one of the new clinic staff, is trying to adjust to all the oddities of Fandom: "Black and white and green people and talking cats."
And doppelgangers.
Yes, there is another set of look-a-likes at Fandom High. Dr. Troy and Belthazor. The biggest difference is that Dr. Troy is not a demon.
Before coming to Fandom, Dr. Troy was a practicing plastic surgeon in Miami. He is also a fully trained general practitioner. He is on sabbatical from his practice of McNamara/Troy and came here to "put my general medicine skills to use and keep the student body healthy,"
He was also encouraged by his partner. "My partner, Sean, frequently has crises of morality where he thinks that plastic surgery is all about vanity and that we should be doing something more beneficial to the world with our skills."
I asked him if plastic surgery was really all about vanity and he responded, "Plastic surgery is all about making people feel good about themselves. We help people with their self-esteem. And then there are burn victims, people who have been disfigured in some way."
In addition to medicine, Dr. Troy's interests include: sailing, pr0n, fast cars, fast women, fine dining and exercise.
BENTON FRASER: THE MAN, THE MYTH, THE HAT
by Rory Gilmore
Constable Benton Fraser is one of the now familiar figures who Fandom High students cheerfully recognize around campus. Hailing from Chicago, Mr. Fraser, 45 - yes, really - has come to Fandom to replace Rover as our head of security.
When asked what his favorite part of Fandom thus far is, Fraser unashamedly answered, "The library aides." Considering that this interview was conducted not only in said library but by one of the aides, this serves as an excellent example of Fraser's inherent charm and ability to make all around him feel not only welcome, but important.
For those interested, Mr. Fraser's favorite color is red, his favorite food, in his own words, "seems to alternate between steak and any form of pasta." And if he were able to become any animal for one day, à la John Crichton, he said he would like to be a wolf so that he might full understand the experiences that his longtime companion, Diefenbaker (or "Dief") goes through.
As for words of wisdom to pass on to the residents of our fair hamlet, he answered, "I could be incredibly cliché here and talk about not using drugs and staying in school but that does seem to be repeated often so I'll just say take every opportunity when you can. They don't repeat themselves often and missing them might mean missing something significant. Also, thank you for your interest in my hat."
And thank you, Constable Fraser, for wearing that hat so well.
OUTSIDE FANDOM - WASHINGTON D.C.
by Alanna Trebond
This weekend, thirteen students and three teachers got the opportunity to visit Washington D.C. To those who are not quite from around here, Washington D.C. is the capital of the United States, where this school is located. For me, it was the first chance to see the world outside of this island.
I'm a history buff, so I had already read up on the city before going there, but nothing I read could compare with what I saw. A few highlights of the trip, for me at least, included visiting the National Achieves, the Museum of National History, and the Washington monument. I've read about dinosaurs, but I still can't quite believe they exist, even after seeing the skeletons.
So what's my point? To those of you who live in this world: Go out! Travel! See! Explore! It's a marvelous place. To those, like me, who are a bit out of time and space: Go! Explore a place you may never see again! You never know what you'll get to see.
Also, travel by bus is much better than travel by boat.
STUDENT COUNCIL NEWS
compiled by Peter Parker
-Final preparations were made for the V-Day Dance. DJs were hired, music was played, and all was well in the world.
-More planning was done for the England trip. A survey about it is forthcoming, and financing and chaperones were discussed.
-The tutoring program was mentioned. All students interested should talk to Blair.
-Another game night will happen next month.
"Pheebs?" "*headdesk* Don't ask." "Okay."
Well, we here at Shipping News knew we'd have a lot to report in the week after Valentine's Day, but we didn't realize so much of it was going to be sad
First, we heard that Cameron and Vala broke up. Then, in the 'only at Fandom High' category, so did their doppelgangers, John and Aeryn. "Speaking of doppelgangers, thanks for the warning, Phoebe." "What? You didn't read last week's column about the certain witch making out with a doppelganger?" "It didn't specify who the doppelganger was!" "How many people do you think I've made out with since Cole and I broke up?" "..." "One, damn it! One!" A certain demon, who shall remain nameless, failed in his bid to win back his lady love. Because he can't give up on his manly love? "Veronica..." "What? I'm just reporting what I've heard." "Rumours and speculation. Can we just leave him alone this week?" "But that's not fun." "Neither is reminding him every week that I'm with another guy." "How's that working out for you, by the way?" "*headdesk*" Jake was getting revenge on Krycek for something. And Blair was called out by Nadia and talked to by Cam about his serial dating. Blair? Give us a call if you need dating advice, okay? We're much more qualified.
Fear not though, gentle readers, Cally and Anders are still adorable, even when they aren't in their own bodies, which we'll be getting to. They were seen sharing a plate of spaghetti in the cafeteria for Valentine's Day, a la a certain animated feature. In other happy couple news, Logan surprised Veronica with a trip to New York City for dinner and a Broadway show. "Ah, so Broadway show is the new euphemism now?" "We went to see Wicked!" "I refer back to my original statement as it works even better after your explanation." "*headdesk*" Also, CJ and Ten are still awesome and snuggly. And at the Valentine's Dance, Marty and Angela, Callisto and Angel, Walter and Victor, and Rory and Anakin were all seen sharing intimate dances. "Wait, I thought Rory and Anakin were just friends?" "Friends has a wide definition here at Fandom." "Obviously."
Also at the dance, Professor Ms. Rita Skeeter received a romantic delivery from her darling Wilbur, who then showed up in town and helped Lee with the radio broadcast on Saturday. We wish you all the best in repairing your marriage, Professor Skeeter. And we'll surely miss you, John Crichton.
Now, on to the newest feature in the Shipping News and Gossip Column. The Boykissing Report! This week's feature: Bridge and Anders. Except it wasn't really Bridge and Anders, it was Anders and Cally in the wrong bodies. But we think it should still count.
To kickoff the new section, we need your help! This week, we'd like all of our readers to send us suggestions of boys they would like to see kiss. [Ed. Note: The suggestions can be dropped in the Fandom Hightimes mailbox.] Next week, the top nominations will be revealed in the Boykissing Report and everyone can vote on which set of boys they would most like to see kiss. The week after, we'll reveal the winners. And, if the winners agree to go through with it, they will win a special prize and the undying devotion of the female population.
And remember, if you have any interesting gossip or need advice, you can reach us anonymously by leaving a note in our mailbox.
That's all for us this week. But just in case you forgot? The mountie is hot.
SENIORS! ONLY 9 WEEKS LEFT UNTIL GRADUATION!
Coffee Pin-Up
credits:
editor: Chloe Sullivan
words: Victor Borkowski, Rory Gilmore, Phoebe Halliwell, Veronica Mars, Peter Parker, Rita Skeeter's Magical Quill, Chloe Sullivan, Alanna Trebond
pictures: Chloe Sullivan, The Magnificent Google
coffee pin-up: slowtrav.com