Fanfic - Torchwood / Chronicles of Narnia - The Problem of Susan - I

[ffutures]

Something I've been writing for the last few days - I've almost finished the first draft, so I thought I'd start to post it. Should be finished by the end of the week or so

Comments

[nelc]

"Logo" is word that strikes me as anachronistic; I don't think it hits common currency until the eighties, and its parent, "logotype", is specialised vocabulary. Given the size of the box, would "monogram" be better?

[ffutures]

Thanks, that's a very good point, I'll change it.

[whswhs]

I don't spot much in the way of issues. When you write, “Excuse me,” she says, getting to her feet, “do you happen to know when Professor Kirke will be back.” I think you want a question mark. I would capitalize "Miss" in "Miss Susan." I'm not sure about the idiom, but "He was a big patron of the sciences" sounds more like something an American might say, especially back in the 1940s. Wouldn't an English young woman be more likely to say, oh, "a great patron" or "quite a patron," especially one from a respectable family like the Pevensies?

I liked the opening nod to Dollhouse (and to Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.!), though it does make certain suggestions about the possible storyline-kind of a Chekhov's gun on the mantel. I'm curious to see where this is going; I'm hampered in guessing by being familiar with only one of the two main sources. But you've gotten my interest.

[ffutures]

Thanks - you're right re the question marks and the big patron thing. The Dollhouse thing is there because memory modification is important in the story - Torchwood basically mindwipe people to stop them remembering aliens etc. - and because I couldn't resist it.

[feygan]

I like it. I will read this so much ^_^

[ffutures]

Next part tomorrow.

[feygan]

Nice :)

[mymatedave]

This looks very interesting. Looking forward to tomorrow.

[ffutures]

Thanks!

[willibald]

More please.

[ffutures]

Tonight!