Harry Potter and the Ocarina of Time
So, the evil_underlord and I were having a chat about various Potterisms - in particular our expectations/hopes for book seven and how they are so not going to come to anything, and we decided to take matters into our own hands, and to that end have just spent two hours typing furiously and occasionally giggling like morons. Here is the product of that on my part.
Disclaimers: I own none of this and am making no money from it. This contains gratuitous sex, drugs, swearing, sick jokes and ship-bashing and as such should not be viewed by the easily offended, children, those with no sense of humour or anyone who understands where the boundaries of taste lie.
Harry Potter and the Ocarina of Time
Chapter One - Usual Stuff
It was summer, as usual, and the man known as Harry Potter was lying on his child’s bed in his Aunt and Uncle’s house. He was dark and brooding and hardcore these days, no longer the prawn of a boy he had once been. To prove this, he was masturbating furiously.
“Not... gonna... have... any... time... for this... once - adventure - gets - started!” he panted, screwing up his eyes and biting his lip. Later today he would travel to his best friend Ron’s house to witness Ron’s brother Bill marry his sweetheart, Fleur. After this, they would embark upon their Quest™ to destroy the evil wizard Voldemort. There would be precious little time for polishing one’s sword once this began, so Harry was making the most of it. To prolong the ecstasy, he thought of unsexy things: Professor Flitwick on the lavatory, apes and monkeys, Anna Friel, tangerines, pens, cacti, Ginny Weasley, human skulls, stretch limousines, Pokemon -
This last pushed him over the edge and he collapsed onto the bed to mop up with a tissue and brood some more.
He wasn’t really sure why he had returned to the Dursleys’ this time. Dumbledore had said something about it being necessary in order to seal the protective magic, but as he was still alive and now of age, it seemed a little pointless. He considered posting the theory on Mugglenet, but decided that some squeeing fangirl from Minnesota had almost certainly beaten him to it, and anyway, it was probably to do with some major plot point to come.
Right on cue, there came a knock at the door. Harry tucked his now limp mouse back into its house just before Aunt Petunia came in, bearing two cups of tea. “Can I sit down?” She asked.
“Er... I suppose so,” Harry said, confused as to why she was being so nice. This was, after all, the woman whose behaviour would have been of interest to social services, had J K Rowling decided to write A Child Called It.
“I should probably fill you in on a few things, now you’re all grown up and about to leave the nest,” she said, handing Harry one of the cups of tea and an expensive-but-mediocre Waitrose biscuit. “One: I can do magic too, but I hate it, so I don’t. Dumbledore’s favour to me in return for looking after you was that my family would be cut off from the wizarding world.”
“But-but-but-” Harry spluttered.
“Don’t interrupt. Two: your mum once boffed Snape, but it was a mistake, they were both drunk, and I was told later that he wasn’t as good as your dad and he had a small cock, which as you might imagine I was delighted to know.” Aunt Petunia made a face, as did Harry. “Don’t worry, though, he’s not your real dad, this was years before that. That’s how I knew all that stuff about the dementors, not that anyone seems to care about that any more, I might add.”
“But-” Harry spluttered some more. “Why didn’t you ever tell me this before? We could have bonded! We could have hung out!”
“Are you stoned, Harry?” Aunt Petunia asked in horror.
“No!” Harry ejaculated. “I’m just-”
“Anyway,” interrupted Aunt Petunia, “that’s not the point now. Dumbledore had one last thing to give you”. She reached into her pocket and produced an ocarina.
“What the fuck is that?” Harry asked moodily.
“Don’t you give me that, you ungrateful shit”, Aunt Petunia answered pleasantly. “It’s an ocarina. Play it and it’ll take you wherever you need to go, thereby saving valuable travel time.”
This was all too much for Harry to take in, so he stormed out.
“Wait!” Aunt Petunia called after him. “I need to tell you which of your dad’s friends were gay!” But Harry was tearing through the front door, past his uncle and cousin, then he was playing a tuneless melody on the ocarina, then he was gone.
Chapter Two - A Wedding
Harry landed at the door to the Burrow and stashed the ocarina safely in his pocket. Ron ran outside to meet him.
“Oh, you’re here!” Ron said. “Hurry up, the wedding’s about to begin. You might want to put your todger away first though, mate, not being funny or anything.”
The final preparations were underway in the kitchen. Fleur was wearing a flimsy white dress that wouldn’t have looked out of place in a whore’s boudoir. Ginny and Mrs Weasley were glaring at her with the sort of looks only truly bitter, twisted, jealous and sexually repressed shrews can really muster. She smiled back at them with a look of superiority. I might look like a whore, she thought, but you’re poor and ginger, and I can get changed.
The wedding ceremony was tedious and average, and as such will not be discussed here. Suffice to say that Hermione caught the bouquet, Ron caught the garter, a thousand Pumpkin Pie shippers cut their wrists, everyone cried, yadda yadda yadda.
The reception took place in the meadow. All your favourite Harry Potter™ chums were there, except for the dead ones and the traitors. Harry looked about the place. There was his now ex-girlfriend Ginny, wearing an exceptionally tight outfit with GIVE ME BABIES HARRY written on it, and crying into her alcopop. There was the loveable Hagrid, slightly crosseyed and smelling of brandy. And there were Tonks and Lupin, having what looked to be a lovers’ tiff. Tonks playfully punched Lupin in the eye. Harry did his best to listen in.
“But Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeemus, I wanted a double wedding, it would have been so cuuuuuuuuute!”
“Tonks, listen to me. You are behaving like a Big Brother contestant. Stop it.”
“No I’m not! … Which one?”
“Michelle from Big Brother Five.”
“Which one’s that?”
“You know, she shagged Stuart under a table and now she presents Television X.”
“Oh, and you’d know all about Television X, wouldn’t you?”
“Only because you subscribe to it!”
Tonks produced a flick-knife and light-heartedly threatened Lupin with it. Harry, bored, sipped his wizarding Stella Artois and moved off to congratulate the bride and groom.
Bill’s robes did little to hide his quivering hardon - although, Harry pointed out to himself, it wasn’t that obvious unless you were actually looking there anyway. He tore his eyes away as Bill approached him.
“Sorry about the old soldier there, Harry”, Bill said cordially. “Since that cunt Michael J Fox slashed up my face the other week, I can’t seem to keep it down. Canape?”
“Er… cheers, Bill,” Harry replied. “What’s in them?”
“Human flesh.”
“What?”
“Just joking, Harry, me old son. It’s brisket.”
Harry took a canape hesitantly. He was saved from having to actually eat it, though, by the arrival of Professor Lupin, who looked disturbed, like a rabbit in the headlights. While he and Bill discussed the best places in London to pick up the wizarding drug ketamine, Harry reflected that perhaps it was slightly patronising, nay, insulting to keep referring to Lupin as “professor”, as he had been unemployed for over three years now. He enquired after the ex-teacher’s wellbeing.
“Not bad, Harry, not bad -” Lupin glanced around like a caged animal. “Listen, don’t tell her where I am, whatever you do, OK?”
Harry nodded like the retard he was.
Just then, Ron and Hermione came running up to Harry. Hermione’s fro almost suffocated him as she hugged him with all her upper body strength.
“Oh - Harry! We’re so glad you’re here! Sorry we didn’t come and say a proper hello before, we were too busy shagging, I read about it in Hogwarts: An Erotic History -”
“She’s not wrong, mate,” Ron said sheepishly. It occurred to Harry that this development in his best friends’ relationship meant Ron would almost certainly have added a new face to his repertoire.
“Anyway,” Hermione continued breathlessly, “I’ve found out some information about the Quest. If you press the A button now you can see the items you have already collected. Press Z to see the map. On the item screen you can use the X button to toggle between your quest items, magical items, and the horcruxes you’ve already collected. Do you understand? Yes/No.”
“No,” said Harry, who was rather confused.
“OK, I’ll explain again,” said Hermione. “If you press the A button now you can see the items you have already collected. Press Z to see the map. On the item screen you can use the X button to toggle between your quest items, magical items, and the horcruxes you’ve already collected. Do you understand? Yes/No.”
“Yes...?” Harry tried.
“Oh! Great! So, in that case...” Hermione fished in her Prada handbag and pulled out a ragged piece of paper. “You’ve got the Quest Itinerary!” On the other side of the meadow, the House-Elf Orchestra, who had been hired for the occasion, played a fanfare. Hermione continued: “I’ve been doing research. Go on, Harry, press A.”
Harry did so, and saw that under Quest Items he now had: Quest Itinerary and Marauder’s Map. Under Magic Items, he had many things: Wand, Invisibility Cloak, Broom, the ocarina he had acquired earlier that day, and so on. He came back to normalness.
“And the best part is this,” Ron said excitedly. “Anything me and Hermione’ve got goes on your list and adds to your power - and obviously everything we’ve learned at school is on there already, so we don’t have to fartarse around learning the basic stuff. And now it’s my turn to give you a new powerup. You remember the watch I got last year for my birthday? Turns out whenever we get to the location of a horcrux it’ll tell us where any interesting hidden stuff is in that location and where the exit is and if there’s a Death Eater to fight, where they are too! Pretty cool, eh?” Another fanfare played.
“OK,” said Harry confusedly. “But isn’t that a bit... convenient? I mean, I’m very grateful and all, it just seems like someone wants things to be easy for us.”
“Oh, Harry, you’re so sweet,” Hermione said, “but I’m the brains here, remember. You’ve usually been wrong in the past, so I think it’s better if you just do what I say. There’s a perfectly good reason for the watch - it means we can do the Quest and still have time to tie up all the subplots and loose ends, reveal a bunch of stuff about your parents, and explain why Lupin-and-Tonks is doomed to failure”.
“Why is it doomed?” Harry asked.
“Well, I know, obviously, but I think it’s time to go on the Quest now,” Hermione said firmly. “I think it’s best if we just go, don’t you?” Ron nodded in agreement.
“OK,” Harry agreed. “Why don’t we magically fly there with this ocarina?”
“But why do you need the ocarina, Harry?” Hermione asked, perplexed. “We learned Apparition last year at school, and you can fly a broom.”
There was a silence, filled only with the sounds of Hagrid vomiting into the punch bowl and Mrs Weasley shrieking shrilly for no apparent reason.
“These go up to eleven,” said Harry.
To be continued...
I fully recommend checking out the underlord's version, though, as it is funnier than mine and has femmeslash!
Disclaimers: I own none of this and am making no money from it. This contains gratuitous sex, drugs, swearing, sick jokes and ship-bashing and as such should not be viewed by the easily offended, children, those with no sense of humour or anyone who understands where the boundaries of taste lie.
Harry Potter and the Ocarina of Time
Chapter One - Usual Stuff
It was summer, as usual, and the man known as Harry Potter was lying on his child’s bed in his Aunt and Uncle’s house. He was dark and brooding and hardcore these days, no longer the prawn of a boy he had once been. To prove this, he was masturbating furiously.
“Not... gonna... have... any... time... for this... once - adventure - gets - started!” he panted, screwing up his eyes and biting his lip. Later today he would travel to his best friend Ron’s house to witness Ron’s brother Bill marry his sweetheart, Fleur. After this, they would embark upon their Quest™ to destroy the evil wizard Voldemort. There would be precious little time for polishing one’s sword once this began, so Harry was making the most of it. To prolong the ecstasy, he thought of unsexy things: Professor Flitwick on the lavatory, apes and monkeys, Anna Friel, tangerines, pens, cacti, Ginny Weasley, human skulls, stretch limousines, Pokemon -
This last pushed him over the edge and he collapsed onto the bed to mop up with a tissue and brood some more.
He wasn’t really sure why he had returned to the Dursleys’ this time. Dumbledore had said something about it being necessary in order to seal the protective magic, but as he was still alive and now of age, it seemed a little pointless. He considered posting the theory on Mugglenet, but decided that some squeeing fangirl from Minnesota had almost certainly beaten him to it, and anyway, it was probably to do with some major plot point to come.
Right on cue, there came a knock at the door. Harry tucked his now limp mouse back into its house just before Aunt Petunia came in, bearing two cups of tea. “Can I sit down?” She asked.
“Er... I suppose so,” Harry said, confused as to why she was being so nice. This was, after all, the woman whose behaviour would have been of interest to social services, had J K Rowling decided to write A Child Called It.
“I should probably fill you in on a few things, now you’re all grown up and about to leave the nest,” she said, handing Harry one of the cups of tea and an expensive-but-mediocre Waitrose biscuit. “One: I can do magic too, but I hate it, so I don’t. Dumbledore’s favour to me in return for looking after you was that my family would be cut off from the wizarding world.”
“But-but-but-” Harry spluttered.
“Don’t interrupt. Two: your mum once boffed Snape, but it was a mistake, they were both drunk, and I was told later that he wasn’t as good as your dad and he had a small cock, which as you might imagine I was delighted to know.” Aunt Petunia made a face, as did Harry. “Don’t worry, though, he’s not your real dad, this was years before that. That’s how I knew all that stuff about the dementors, not that anyone seems to care about that any more, I might add.”
“But-” Harry spluttered some more. “Why didn’t you ever tell me this before? We could have bonded! We could have hung out!”
“Are you stoned, Harry?” Aunt Petunia asked in horror.
“No!” Harry ejaculated. “I’m just-”
“Anyway,” interrupted Aunt Petunia, “that’s not the point now. Dumbledore had one last thing to give you”. She reached into her pocket and produced an ocarina.
“What the fuck is that?” Harry asked moodily.
“Don’t you give me that, you ungrateful shit”, Aunt Petunia answered pleasantly. “It’s an ocarina. Play it and it’ll take you wherever you need to go, thereby saving valuable travel time.”
This was all too much for Harry to take in, so he stormed out.
“Wait!” Aunt Petunia called after him. “I need to tell you which of your dad’s friends were gay!” But Harry was tearing through the front door, past his uncle and cousin, then he was playing a tuneless melody on the ocarina, then he was gone.
Chapter Two - A Wedding
Harry landed at the door to the Burrow and stashed the ocarina safely in his pocket. Ron ran outside to meet him.
“Oh, you’re here!” Ron said. “Hurry up, the wedding’s about to begin. You might want to put your todger away first though, mate, not being funny or anything.”
The final preparations were underway in the kitchen. Fleur was wearing a flimsy white dress that wouldn’t have looked out of place in a whore’s boudoir. Ginny and Mrs Weasley were glaring at her with the sort of looks only truly bitter, twisted, jealous and sexually repressed shrews can really muster. She smiled back at them with a look of superiority. I might look like a whore, she thought, but you’re poor and ginger, and I can get changed.
The wedding ceremony was tedious and average, and as such will not be discussed here. Suffice to say that Hermione caught the bouquet, Ron caught the garter, a thousand Pumpkin Pie shippers cut their wrists, everyone cried, yadda yadda yadda.
The reception took place in the meadow. All your favourite Harry Potter™ chums were there, except for the dead ones and the traitors. Harry looked about the place. There was his now ex-girlfriend Ginny, wearing an exceptionally tight outfit with GIVE ME BABIES HARRY written on it, and crying into her alcopop. There was the loveable Hagrid, slightly crosseyed and smelling of brandy. And there were Tonks and Lupin, having what looked to be a lovers’ tiff. Tonks playfully punched Lupin in the eye. Harry did his best to listen in.
“But Reeeeeeeeeeeeeeemus, I wanted a double wedding, it would have been so cuuuuuuuuute!”
“Tonks, listen to me. You are behaving like a Big Brother contestant. Stop it.”
“No I’m not! … Which one?”
“Michelle from Big Brother Five.”
“Which one’s that?”
“You know, she shagged Stuart under a table and now she presents Television X.”
“Oh, and you’d know all about Television X, wouldn’t you?”
“Only because you subscribe to it!”
Tonks produced a flick-knife and light-heartedly threatened Lupin with it. Harry, bored, sipped his wizarding Stella Artois and moved off to congratulate the bride and groom.
Bill’s robes did little to hide his quivering hardon - although, Harry pointed out to himself, it wasn’t that obvious unless you were actually looking there anyway. He tore his eyes away as Bill approached him.
“Sorry about the old soldier there, Harry”, Bill said cordially. “Since that cunt Michael J Fox slashed up my face the other week, I can’t seem to keep it down. Canape?”
“Er… cheers, Bill,” Harry replied. “What’s in them?”
“Human flesh.”
“What?”
“Just joking, Harry, me old son. It’s brisket.”
Harry took a canape hesitantly. He was saved from having to actually eat it, though, by the arrival of Professor Lupin, who looked disturbed, like a rabbit in the headlights. While he and Bill discussed the best places in London to pick up the wizarding drug ketamine, Harry reflected that perhaps it was slightly patronising, nay, insulting to keep referring to Lupin as “professor”, as he had been unemployed for over three years now. He enquired after the ex-teacher’s wellbeing.
“Not bad, Harry, not bad -” Lupin glanced around like a caged animal. “Listen, don’t tell her where I am, whatever you do, OK?”
Harry nodded like the retard he was.
Just then, Ron and Hermione came running up to Harry. Hermione’s fro almost suffocated him as she hugged him with all her upper body strength.
“Oh - Harry! We’re so glad you’re here! Sorry we didn’t come and say a proper hello before, we were too busy shagging, I read about it in Hogwarts: An Erotic History -”
“She’s not wrong, mate,” Ron said sheepishly. It occurred to Harry that this development in his best friends’ relationship meant Ron would almost certainly have added a new face to his repertoire.
“Anyway,” Hermione continued breathlessly, “I’ve found out some information about the Quest. If you press the A button now you can see the items you have already collected. Press Z to see the map. On the item screen you can use the X button to toggle between your quest items, magical items, and the horcruxes you’ve already collected. Do you understand? Yes/No.”
“No,” said Harry, who was rather confused.
“OK, I’ll explain again,” said Hermione. “If you press the A button now you can see the items you have already collected. Press Z to see the map. On the item screen you can use the X button to toggle between your quest items, magical items, and the horcruxes you’ve already collected. Do you understand? Yes/No.”
“Yes...?” Harry tried.
“Oh! Great! So, in that case...” Hermione fished in her Prada handbag and pulled out a ragged piece of paper. “You’ve got the Quest Itinerary!” On the other side of the meadow, the House-Elf Orchestra, who had been hired for the occasion, played a fanfare. Hermione continued: “I’ve been doing research. Go on, Harry, press A.”
Harry did so, and saw that under Quest Items he now had: Quest Itinerary and Marauder’s Map. Under Magic Items, he had many things: Wand, Invisibility Cloak, Broom, the ocarina he had acquired earlier that day, and so on. He came back to normalness.
“And the best part is this,” Ron said excitedly. “Anything me and Hermione’ve got goes on your list and adds to your power - and obviously everything we’ve learned at school is on there already, so we don’t have to fartarse around learning the basic stuff. And now it’s my turn to give you a new powerup. You remember the watch I got last year for my birthday? Turns out whenever we get to the location of a horcrux it’ll tell us where any interesting hidden stuff is in that location and where the exit is and if there’s a Death Eater to fight, where they are too! Pretty cool, eh?” Another fanfare played.
“OK,” said Harry confusedly. “But isn’t that a bit... convenient? I mean, I’m very grateful and all, it just seems like someone wants things to be easy for us.”
“Oh, Harry, you’re so sweet,” Hermione said, “but I’m the brains here, remember. You’ve usually been wrong in the past, so I think it’s better if you just do what I say. There’s a perfectly good reason for the watch - it means we can do the Quest and still have time to tie up all the subplots and loose ends, reveal a bunch of stuff about your parents, and explain why Lupin-and-Tonks is doomed to failure”.
“Why is it doomed?” Harry asked.
“Well, I know, obviously, but I think it’s time to go on the Quest now,” Hermione said firmly. “I think it’s best if we just go, don’t you?” Ron nodded in agreement.
“OK,” Harry agreed. “Why don’t we magically fly there with this ocarina?”
“But why do you need the ocarina, Harry?” Hermione asked, perplexed. “We learned Apparition last year at school, and you can fly a broom.”
There was a silence, filled only with the sounds of Hagrid vomiting into the punch bowl and Mrs Weasley shrieking shrilly for no apparent reason.
“These go up to eleven,” said Harry.
To be continued...
I fully recommend checking out the underlord's version, though, as it is funnier than mine and has femmeslash!