Once More, With Hindsight: The Half-Blood Prince Uberwank
Picture credit = ? Tell me if you know.
The Half-Blood Prince Uberwank
by fera_festiva
Being a complete review, recap and rant from a very jaded fangirl's perspective
of the sixth Harry Potter book
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince
~ or ~
That Asshole Severus Snape And The Big Man On Campus
Praise for the Uberwank:
"A crackalicious blend of spontaneous fic, internet lulz and gourmet anger. A rare treat" - Oscar Wilde, writing in Heat magazine
"I like the part where she said fuck" - Noam Chomsky
Chapters so far:
Chapter one: The Other Minister. This is the first chapter and has the Prime Minister in it.
Chapter two: Spinner's End. The Snape chapter. "You have asked me and I have said nothing"
Chapter three: Will and Won't. Harry spends like half this chapter asleep. This is roughly where I started losing the will to live, for the record
Chapter four: Horace Slughorn. This is a chapter about Slughorn. You want a better description, you're gonna have to ply me with moar decongestant.
Chapter five: An Excess of Phlegm. Just a massive, massive chapter. Contains discussions of physics, psychology, xenophobia, sexism, the wizarding world's flawed education system and much, much more!
Chapter six: Draco's Detour. HANDBAGFIGHT! Also, Fred and George need to DIAF.
Chapter seven: The Slug Club. Blowjobs, mainly. Also, Harry is a dick.
Chapter eight: Snape Victorious. Science! Maths! ... Hagrid.
Chapter nine: The Half-Blood Prince. Just like the title of... wait, that's not my running gag.
Chapter ten: The House of Gaunt. Oh good; Dumbledore is arrogant and Harry is stupid. At least things are spiced up with inbreeding.
Chapter eleven: Hermione's Helping Hand. Next time: Ron's Hand Shandy.
Chapter twelve: Silver and Opals. They go out drinking and there's a magic necklace. You'd think that the sixth book in a seven-book cycle of fantasy novels would be exciting, but...
Current word count: 38,580
Coming soon:
Chapter thirteen: The Secret Riddle.
Chapter fourteen: Felix Felicis.
Chapter fifteen: The Unbreakable Vow.
Chapter sixteen: A Very Frosty Christmas.
Chapter seventeen: A Sluggish Memory.
Chapter eighteen: Birthday Surprises.
Chapter nineteen: Elf Tails.
Chapter twenty: Lord Voldemort's Request.
Chapter twenty-one: The Unknowable Room.
Chapter twenty-two: After the Burial.
Chapter twenty-three: Horcruxes.
Chapter twenty-four: Sectumsempra.
Chapter twenty-five: The Seer Overheard.
Chapter twenty-six: The Cave.
Chapter twenty-seven: The Lightning-Struck Tower.
Chapter twenty-eight: Flight of the Prince.
Chapter twenty-nine: The Phoenix Lament.
Chapter thirty: The White Tomb.
Fun extra crap
Draco Malfoy's Amazon.co.uk wishlist. I wouldn't bother buying him anything, he hasn't listed his address yet. n00b.
FYI
The Half-Blood Prince Uberwank may contain any of the following: very strong language; explicit references to sex, violence and drug and alcohol abuse; ship-bashing; character-bashing; fangirling; wank; utter disregard for Bellasario's Maxim. Read at your own risk. Because reading words on the internet is a pretty darn risky business.
Massive thankyous to my wonderful beta evil_underlord and to anyone who reads this rubbish. ♥
Harry Potter is the property of JK Rowling and related corporations; no claim of ownership nor profit is being made.