Comments | fenrischained: Just Waiting

fenrischained

Just Waiting - for brigits_flame

Jun 06, 2009 21:08

Title: Just Waiting
Genre: Not sure... hm... retrospective?
Warnings: No.

Summary: There was a ranch back home, which had always been there and always would be. And once, there was a girl.

A/N: This was written for the Week One topic at brigits_flame - 'Ranch'. It's taken me ages to come up with anything, mostly because I'm not 100% sure of what even counts as ( Read more... )

brigits_flame, original fiction

Comments 11

cedarwolfsinger June 7 2009, 22:51:13 UTC

Doomed. . . This one is understated and chilling at the same time, Fenris. Good work!

fenrischained June 8 2009, 01:19:48 UTC

:D Thanks!

ephemeralbreath June 8 2009, 07:56:41 UTC

Wow. That was really sad but kind of creepy at the same time. I really liked your writing. :)

fenrischained June 9 2009, 00:19:15 UTC

:D Thanks!

Edit harlotbug3 June 8 2009, 20:53:37 UTC

It’s Monday. I’ve got more editing contexts for you, but just keep in mind that it’s Monday and that I usually go line by line looking for problems. It’s a coffee and doughnut Monday, though, so I’ll try to read it rather than edit it first…and I’ve read it ( ... )

Re: Edit fenrischained June 8 2009, 21:16:14 UTC

I can see the problem with the first two pieces, and I kind of see your point about the ending - it does read kind of awkwardly - but... um, do you have any ideas about how I can change it? Whether it's one specific bit of the ending that needs taking out, or....

Re: Edit harlotbug3 June 10 2009, 14:46:22 UTC

I'd recommend ending on the idea of her still being there, but if the house itself is not, this won't have the same impact. You may even want to end with there being no one in town by that name to leave the reader wondering about more than whether she was a ghost.

Re: Edit fenrischained June 8 2009, 21:55:56 UTC

ROAR bluebirds_sing June 9 2009, 07:43:03 UTC

Hey there!
I’m your ROAR reader this week. Really enjoyed your story. There's a lot of appeal to this ranch that has *the kind of sadness that hangs around things that were once beautiful.*
I especially loved that Christina is waiting to apologize. It’s something that the reader only have to absorb. It’s a quirk that looms like a curse.
Excellent pace and good writing :) Thank you!
Tina

Re: ROAR fenrischained June 9 2009, 12:09:22 UTC

:D Thanks. I'm glad you like it!

Editing cedarwolfsinger June 13 2009, 04:43:35 UTC

Hello, I am one of your editors for this week. You know I liked this because I told you so directly after I read it the first time. Please note - I go paragraph by paragraph because that makes sense to me. Also - all my “changes” are merely suggestions. Take from them whatever makes sense to you and disregard whatever does not suit you ( ... )