Comments | femslash100: Challenge75-cigarettes

loridragus in femslash100

Challenge75-cigarettes

Jul 17, 2006 03:54

Title: "The Cave"
Fandom:Lost World (TV Series)
Pairing: Marguerite/Finn
Rating:PG
Word Count: 2x100

( The Cave )

author: loridragus, fandom: lost world, challenge75

Comments 2

amazon_syren July 17 2006, 22:12:48 UTC

Not bad.

#1:
Kind of a leap between 'She had invited her here" and removing Finn's clothes. I suggest making it longer (by 50 words, maybe?) and adding a bit more detail. About Finn, about getting to were Finn is.
The part about making the place homey and what-all was in the cave might serve as a spot, if tweaked a bit, to point out where Finn is waiting for Marguerite.

#2:
I don't know the characters, so I don't know why it's important, and (apparently) unlikely, that Marguerite likes the cave. Explain? ("Much as I've tried, the cave doesn't have the kind of comfort she's used to", perhaps?)

A suggestion: Combine descriptions of location with descriptions of action to save on words and add to the ambiance. ("She takes everything in, but finally she looks at me: waiting for her in the nest of pillows I've built", fopr example).

Also: Good job on the voices. As I said, I don't know the characters, but it was clear that they were two very different people talking. Nice job. :-)

loridragus July 18 2006, 10:33:12 UTC

Your right there should have been a transition line in there. This it what I get for posting something with no sleep. And this was an experiment to see if I could get two different voices in a short piece. So thanks for the critique. LD