Broken Skies, Broken Sunsets (Anastasia Dualla, BSG, PG-13)

[lls_mutant]

Title: Broken Skies, Broken Sunsets
Author: lls_mutant
Fandom: Battlestar Galactica (new)
Rating: PG-13
Warnings: none
Prompt: 113: do authors who write Indian romances love the nation they endeavour successfully or unsuccessfully to describe? Do they, like Tecumseh, say, "And I, who love your nation, which is just, when deeds deserve it," or is the Indian introduced into literature but to lend a dash of vivid colouring to an otherwise tame and somber picture of colonial life? It looks suspiciously like the latter reason, or why should the Indian always get beaten in the battles of romance, or the Indian girl get inevitably the cold shoulder in the wars of love? -- Pauline Johnson (Tekahionwake--literally "double life" ) (1861-1913) Mohawk Canadian poet, short story writer, journalist and performer.
Summary: Growing up, Dee loved romance novels. As she got older, she noticed that something was really off about them.
Author's Notes Thanks so much to ivanolix and rose_griffes for the beta job!



Dee read her first romance novel when she was thirteen. Lucinda Belley, a girl who was a year ahead of Dee in school, had gotten her hands on a copy of Broken Skies, Broken Sunsets, and it had a steamy scene where the heroine actually had sex with the hero. It was passed around from girl to girl, under a pasted on cover that showed a good Sagittaron girl holding hands with a young man by candlelight. That was not remotely what the novel was about.

The girls whispered about it in the locker rooms, in the halls, at lunch. Pretty soon everyone who was anyone knew about the scene on page 73, where the heroine gave the hero a blow job (Dee had never even heard of a blow job before that point, and frankly, the whole thing sounded disgusting) and the scene on page 121, where the heroine gave up her virginity in phrases like lacy wisps of her underwear, his powerful manhood thrust into her, and her wet garden, ready and fertile for his seed that spurted forth.

But what Dee remembered most was reading the description of the heroine. She was beautiful- tall and blond, with round, supple breasts and long smooth legs. She had green eyes, wore beautiful clothes, and was Caprican. Dee spent several hours sitting and staring into the mirror at her own face, wishing that there was a way she could look like the heroine of Broken Skies, Broken Sunsets. But with dark, coarse hair, a flat chest, and the promise of always being the shortest girl in the class, she knew that was never going to happen.

But still, when her mother wouldn't talk about sex, when "the talk" they received consisted mainly of "how to cope with your period", and the church preached abstinence until marriage, Broken Skies, Broken Sunsets was the closest thing to sex education that Dee and her classmates got.

***

"Oh, gods, Dee. Did you read this?"

Ava was lying on her stomach on her bed, her feet in the air as she read. Dee climbed up onto the bed and laid beside her, shoulder to shoulder. Her eyes widened as she took in the words.

"Is this Tiger's Lady?" Dee asked in awe, peeking at the cover. "How did you get a copy?"

"Yard sale," Ava said smugly. "But that's not the best part. Look where it happens." Ava flipped back a few pages. Dee scanned the text and then squealed.

"It's in Edessa!" she said.

"I know." Ava sighed. "Can you imagine a guy like this," she flipped to the front cover, which showed a muscled, pale-skinned, dark-haired man with bright blue eyes and a shirt unbuttoned to the navel, "living in Edessa?"

"No," Dee said flatly. "I can't imagine anyone living in Edessa voluntarily."

"No kidding," Ava sighed.

"Can I read over your shoulder?" Dee asked.

"'Course." Ava scooted over on her bed and flipped back to where she was reading, and Dee joined her eagerly, twirling her hair around her finger and resting her chin on her fist.

The novel was good. Dee had heard about this one, and that on page 57 there was actually an anal sex scene. She read it, her nose wrinkling. "Why would you actually want to do that?" she asked.

"They made it sound kind of hot," Ava admitted.

"He shoved his dick up her ass," Dee said, with a tone of finality. She turned back to the page. "Hey, wait a minute! The temple of Aphrodite isn't in the center of town." Her brow furrowed in thought. "Edessa doesn't even have a temple to Aphrodite, does it?"

"No. My father says that they actually think Aphrodite is a lesser goddess because she promotes sex." Ava giggled. "They're very fundamental in Edessa. Well, a lot of them, anyway." She frowned. "Not the type to let guys frak them up the ass."

"Eww. Stop it." Dee went back to the book. She dismissed the fact that there was no temple to Aphrodite in Edessa and continued on, thoroughly enjoying how the hero protested that he wasn't in love with the heroine and was terrified of hurting her, until the scene of the riot came up. "Wait. The Edessa Riots happened in 1975, not in 1982."

"Who cares?" Ava said.

"Who cares when the Edessa Riots happened?" Dee asked, amazed. "But the Edessa Riots is what prompted curfew."

"Just read the book, Dee," Ava said.

Dee obeyed, but as she kept reading, it became increasingly obvious that the woman who had written the novel had never been to Edessa. In fact, she and Ava began making a game out of it. There was no liquor store in Edessa- it was a dry town. The temple to Zeus (well, the one sect's) was on the eastern end of town, not the northern. That arch didn't exist, there were no storefronts on the river. The hospital was a dingy little building that looked more like a warehouse, and the police station was made of black stone, not white. The gunfire, the crime rate, the barbed wire, and the guards… none of that was mentioned, although a large part of the Edessan population would be glad to pretend that didn't exist.

"Gods," Dee said, when they'd finished, "that was bad."

"Yeah," Ava agreed, "but the sex was really hot. When he finally got together with that Picon doctor, I thought the top of my head was going to lift off."

"Yeah," Dee agreed. Then she grinned evilly. "That wasn't the one he was frakking up the ass, though. Do you think-"

"Dee!" Ava whacked her with the pillow, and Tiger's Lady fell off the bed, forgotten in the battle as the girls shrieked.

Dee thought a lot about the book over the next few days. Eventually she decided she was over-reacting. The story had to take place on Sagittaron- doctors really were in some level of peril here. And could she blame the author of a romance novel for not actually traveling to a place to research a frakking romance novel? It really was kind of ridiculous. Ava was right, Dee decided. She thought way too much.

Next time, she wouldn’t.

***

Kiss the Devil took place on Aerelon, which only convinced Dee more that she was thinking too much about Tiger's Lady. After all, she didn't know the first thing about Aerelon. What stood out in Kiss the Devil was that one of the female characters was Sagittaron, and she was actually educated. She was a computer programmer named Lorelei, and she was smart and she saved the hero's- Steve's- life. Dee fell in love with her immediately. And when Steve actually slept with Lorelei, Dee finally understood exactly how fantastic romance novels could be. She read that scene over and over, having the first orgasm she actually would admit to in her bed as she read her book by flashlight so her parents wouldn't know.

Then Camilla came on the scene.

Camilla was a redhead. And like most of the heroines, she was tall and she was pretty and in her case she had flashing green eyes and alabaster skin. She wasn't a computer programmer, but rather a high-end fashion designer. And when she was around, Lorelei was reduced to a sidekick.

Then all of a sudden, Lorelei became religious.

It confused Dee, because there had been nothing before to indicate that Lorelei was religious. But all of a sudden, she was telling Steve about how medicine was evil and technology was evil and her own profession was a scourge and she needed to get out. And instead of being someone to admire, Lorelei became someone that needed saving. By the end of the novel, she was in a mental institution, much to Steve and Camilla's sorrow, and Steve and Camilla didn't even think of her at their wedding.

Dee threw the book across the room.

***

"The thing is, Ava, every book is like that!" Dee protested as they walked down the halls of their school. She hugged her text books to her chest, which had finally, at age sixteen, finally decided to blossom. "The Sagittaron girl never wins!"

"Dee. They are romance novels," Ava said, rolling her eyes. "And what do you care, anyway? You hate Sagittaron."

"No I don't," Dee said.

"You can't wait to get off it."

"Well, yeah. But I don't hate it. It's hard to explain," Dee said.

"So?" Ava seemed to think this was some kind of an argument. "Why is it so important, Dee? It's not like anyone ever takes romance novels seriously anyway. They're just brain candy."

"I know," Dee sighed. "But just once I'd like to read one where the Sagittaron girl gets the guy."

"Whatever," Ava said, rolling her eyes. "We'd better hurry, or we're going to be late to literature. Now there's a depressing class."

"Yeah, but at least in those books, everyone dies," Dee agreed glumly. They headed off to class.

***

So often, Dee wondered why the hell anyone had ever thought Sagittaron was a good place to settle. It was hot, it was dry, and a large part of the planet was inhabitable because of the deserts and the rocks. Rocks. If anyone needed rocks, Sagittaron was a good place to settle.

She thought of it as she sat in temple, listening to the priests go on about the glories of deprivation, the gifts of nature, and the evils of violence, and how hope, prayer, and faith were the keys to salvation. And it was all bullshit.

Dee believed in the gods. That was one thing. But the idea that they would intervene so directly, that prayer and faith were going to end the violence on Sagittaron. People could pray all they liked, but there would still be guns, still be coercions into labor camps, and there would still be taxes, people turned out to starve, and there would still be need and hunger and anger.

"The thing is," she told Ava when they met after the service, "I want to do something."

"You could become a priestess," Ava suggested doubtfully. "I know you don’t have a lot of faith in prayer, but you could work in one of those outreach temples or something."

Dee considered that. It was certainly a thought. "I don't know," she said finally. "There's a lot of stuff I wouldn't be allowed to do that would help. Like medicine." She lit up. "I know what I could do! I could be a doctor!"

"Dee!"

"No, Ava- I'm serious. I could go off-world and go to college and get a medical degree, and then I could come back and…."

"And sit in an office all day while no one came to you and have protesters outside all the time and someone throw rocks at you like happened in Desert Kisses," Ava finished for her. "You really think you want to do that, Dee? Plus, you hate biology class."

"Yeah," Dee sighed. "It was just a thought." She perked up. "Wait, Desert Kisses? I don't think I've read that one."

"You haven't?" Ava warmed up as well. "That's right! I was going to tell you about it! You have to read this one, Dee. You, of all people."

"Why me?"

"Because the Sagittaron actually gets the guy this time! I thought of you when I read it." Ava bounced a little. "I'll bring it to school tomorrow, and you can read it."

Dee brightened. "Thanks," she said. The day wasn't a total wash after all.

***

Desert Kisses by Shiloh Usoi wasn't the best book that Dee had ever read. The plot was predictable, the sex scenes were a little too quick and hard, and heroine was a little flat. But she was from Sagittaron, and she got the amazing, hot, motorcycle riding, leather jacket wearing intellectual hero in the end. Dee promptly went to the library to see if there was anything else that Shiloh Usoi had written.

To her delight, Desert Kisses was actually Usoi's first book, and she had written four since. And the books only got better. And every single one of them featured a Sagittaron heroine, and sometimes even with a Sagittaron man. Oddly enough, Dee liked seeing the Sagittaron men portrayed as worth loving and dashing and all that as well. Funny that she hadn't thought of that before.

But the book that changed Dee's life was Colonial Honor. The heroine of that one was named Aramelle, she was a Sagittaron. Aramelle was tall and gangly, with brown hair that had once been red and freckles. Dee didn't look anything like that, but she appreciated that Aramelle wasn't a blonde model type. Aramelle loved computers, spaceships, and math- Dee's favorite subjects in school were computer science and math, both of which came extremely easily to her. She lived in Edessa, and unlike the author of Tiger's Lady, Shiloh Usio had obviously been to Edessa and got all the details right. But that wasn't what changed Dee's life. It was what Aramelle did that changed everything forever.

Unlike most of the Sagittaron characters Dee had seen, Aramelle was religious without being fundamental. She really cared about her family, and she cared about what was happening on Sagittaron. But rather than going into the mines or becoming a doctor, Aramelle joined the Colonial Fleet, because she wanted to protect her family and be able to help the Colonies. Not just Sagittaron, but the Colonies. Humanity. When Dee read that, it was like someone had opened her heart and head and knew exactly what she was really thinking. And all the pieces that never made sense fell into place, and Dee knew exactly what she wanted to do with her life.

***

"You're going to what?!" Ava stopped dead, dropping her books, staring at Dee.

"Shh! Not so loud!" Dee glanced around. "I haven’t told anyone else yet."

"Dee, you can't do that," Ava said. "You're insane! Do you have any idea-"

"Of course I do! I've been thinking about this for weeks, ever since I got the idea. And every time I think about it, I'm more and more convinced it's the right thing for me to do," Dee said.

Ava grabbed Dee by the arm and, leaving her books, pulled her down the hall and into the girls' bathroom. The door shut behind them, and Ava quickly checked under the stalls to make sure they were alone. "You can't do this, Dee. I mean, I get that you're not religious, okay? But to join up with the military? That's just… that's not just a sin, Dee. That's hell."

"But only to the Sagittarons. Did you know that on Aerilon, they say that any man or woman who joins the military is a hero? Even if all you do is sweep up after the others."

"You don't believe that."

"I don't know what I believe," Dee said exasperatedly. "But I do know what I don’t believe. The Sagittarons are the only ones that take pacifism to such an extreme. Even the Gemenese don't see military service that way. And it's not to wage war… it's to protect."

"And you want to make a difference," Ava said, but with an edge of sarcasm. "And what difference are you going to make as a measly petty officer, doing all their dirty work?"

"None, right away," Dee admitted. "But where else would I start?"

Ava shook her head angrily. "If you do this," she warned, "no one at school is ever going to speak to you again. You're never going to be able to get married, you're never going to have a place on Sagittaron again. Even after you're done-"

"Who says I'll be done?" Dee said irritably. "The idea is to make a career out of it."

She expected Ava to continue her tirade, but she didn't. Ava just stood there, staring at Dee, and before Dee know it, Ava began crying.

"What's wrong?"

"You can't. You can't do this. Not you, Dee. You're my best friend, and when you do this I can't- gods. Couldn't you have been a lesbian or something, if you had to rebel?"

"It's not rebellion," Dee said, her mouth dry. Her stomach was twisting into knots. She stepped forward, but Ava stepped back.

"Or a doctor," Ava continued. "You talked about being a doctor once. It's a frakking bad idea, but I could handle you being a doctor. Doctors don't kill people. But joining the military…" she shook her head. "You can't."

This was the moment when Dee knew it was real, that she had really made her decision. Right now, when she heard herself say, "I know. But I'm going to."

Ava stared at her for a long time, and then fled the bathroom, crying. Dee just stood in the middle of the white porcelain and tile, not able to do anything at all.

***

"Slut!"

"Whore!"

"Murderer!"

A lump of mud hit Dee's shoulder. She flinched, but looked straight ahead as she walked up the steps to her school. Two weeks left she reminded herself. Two weeks until graduation.

She retreated into her classroom and hid as best she could behind the cover of Colonial Honor. Ever since she'd made her post-graduation plans known, she'd felt like Aramelle, Steve, and Shiloh Usoi were her only friends. It probably wasn't far off from the truth.

Ava sat down at the desk next to Dee's. Not out of choice, but because that was her assigned seat. Dee put her book down. "Ava. I just wanted to ask-"

"Anastasia," Ava said coldly, using the name no one ever called Dee, ever since her brother had coined her nickname years ago. "I would appreciate it if you don’t talk to me. If my parents ever found out, I would be disowned."

"They wouldn't disown you for saying goodbye," Dee said. "I just don't want to leave Sagittaron without-"

"Miss Lighner. Miss Dualla. The bell has rung, please stop your gossip."

Ava turned forward, but Dee took the risk. "Please, Ava," she whispered.

"Miss Dualla," the teacher said dryly. "Such disobedience is not going to be looked kindly on in your chosen profession." She managed to make it sound like Dee was planning on becoming a serial killer.

"Yes, ma'am," Dee sighed, turning back front.

But when she glanced to the side, she noticed Ava was looking at the book on Dee's desk.

***

No one went with Dee to the small spaceport that would take her offworld. She stood, looking at the departure screens, her bag over her shoulder, trying not to care. It didn't matter, she told herself over and over. In a few months, she'd be through the worst of it, and they'd all come around. They would. She hoisted her bag more firmly and raised her chin, ready to head to her boarding area.

"Dee! Wait!"

Dee stopped, her heart pounding. She turned around slowly, and saw Ava running towards her. "Ava?"

"Dee." Ava caught up. Her face was flushed and she was panting, and she was trying not to cry. "Dee, don't go away angry. I'm sorry. I don't want you to go and I still think what you're doing is wrong, but I don't want you to go! You're my best friend and I don't want you to die or be shot or anything like that, and oh gods, I have something for you."

"Ava…"

Ava put a package in Dee's hands. "There's three books in there. Kira's Destiny, Lost and Found, and Pilot Dreams. That one's the new Shiloh Usoi and it would just be awful if you died before you got to read it and find out how it turns out."

"Ava, I'm not going to die."

"You might. You know you might, and I can't let you leave without saying I'm sorry."

It was like a huge weight lifted off Dee's shoulders, and she hugged Ava tight. "It's okay." She pulled back, wiping her own eyes. "I'll visit."

"I hope so. Be careful."

"I will be." A muffled announcer said something, and Dee glanced at the clock. "I have to go."

"Okay." Ava hugged her one more time. "Good luck."

"You, too."

***

"Rootsucker!"

"Fanatic!"

"Frakking burdock bitch. Gods, she reeks."

Dee grit her teeth and raised her chin, ignoring the taunts behind her. She'd heard words like this before, when she'd walked the streets of Edessa and come across people from other Colonies. But she hadn't expected it here, in boot camp. She kept her eyes forward and continued with her drill.

"That's it! Guns down!" Sergeant Jumper shouted. Dee swore silently to herself, but put her gun down. She knew it wasn’t right. Jumper walked down the ranks, checking each weapon.

"Hey, little girl." The speaker was Clemmens, and his voice was high and harsh, even as he kept it quiet. He was right next to her. "Why don't you come to my rack later, let me show you what a real man is like? Bet your Saggie boys can't get past that frigid little cu-"

Dee turned and slugged him. He staggered back, hands clapped over his eye. "You bitch!"

"Dualla. Clemmens!" Sergeant Jumper barked. "You both just earned yourself ten shifts of KP and a ten mile run. Put down your weapons and get your asses in gear! Go go go!"

It was raining, but as she headed out into it, Dee didn't regret punching Clemmens at all.

***

"You wanted to see me, sir?" Dee stood at attention in front of the drill sergeant's desk.

Sergeant Jumper finished what she was writing, and then looked up at Dee. "I did. What the frak got into you, Dualla?"

"Sir, he said-"

"I heard what he said. But you are both recruits. It is not your place to go correcting their behavior. As a soldier, you need to have faith in your superiors to correct what is wrong." Dee didn't answer. Jumper looked at her. "You don't believe me?"

"Sir," Dee began, choosing her words carefully, "that's hardly the first time he - or anyone else - has said something like that. And it's gone unnoticed."

Jumper sighed. "Listen to me, Dualla," she said, leaning in. "No, sit. Please." Dee sat, although she was confused. "Let me explain something. You are Sagittaron, and nothing anyone says or does is ever going to hide that fact. And you've gotta know, Sagittarons get treated like shit. It happens to all of the few that come through here, believe me. There's nothing special about you. And as long as it's just talk, there's nothing we can do about it."

"But it's never just talk, it's-"

"You'd better get used to it, because as far as the Colonial Fleet's concerned, it is just talk. And people don't mind it, because let's face it - none of your people lift a frakking finger to help us out."

"So this is what I have to put up with the rest of my life?"

Jumper shook her head. "You get a little higher in the ranks and it's not going to matter much any more. A few more months, and you won't be asked to announce where you're from to everyone. You'll be able to keep the information to yourself more. And people will see that you're here to stay, that you're one of the good ones, and most of them will shut up. Of course, you'll always have fraks like Clemmens, but he'd give shit to anyone."

"I see, sir," Dee said. She supposed it should all make her feel better. It didn't.

"One more thing," Sergeant Jumper said. "I've been asked to recommend someone for the non-commissioned officer training program. I'm recommending you."

"Me, sir?"

"Like I said, you're one of the good ones. You're dismissed."

Dee stood and saluted. "Thank you, sir," she said before she turned and left.

Most of the company was out of the barracks when she got there. Dee sighed in relief, sinking down on her bunk. She had fifteen minutes, unless there was a surprise drill scheduled. She reached for her now very well worn copy of Colonial Honor. There was something so comforting about that book. If nothing else, Aramelle had faced a lot of the same shit Dee was facing, and she'd made it through. She might just be a character in a romance novel, but she gave Dee hope. If she could do it, even in a fictional world, so could Dee.

***

Sergeant Jumper was right about one thing: as soon as Dee entered the NCO training program, life changed- a lot. The racial slurs all but disappeared, and no one called her a rootsucker or anything even worse anymore. People talked to her, and began to see her as Dee, Petty Officer Fourth Class.

But she sure got sick of the phrase you're one of the good ones.

It was a bit of a relief to finally be assigned to the battlestar Galactica, even though it was the most antiquated of the battlestars still in commission and often considered a dumping ground for problem cases.

"Don't look at that way," her friend Kayla told her. "They start a lot of younger, promising soldiers there as well, so they can rise quickly." Kayla, who was tall, red-headed and from Virgon, had been stationed on the battlestar Ares and was over the moon at her plum assignment. Dee sighed.

"I guess," she said, because it was always possible. She'd just believe it more if she hadn't outscored Kayla on their final exam.

***

"What are you reading?"

Dee looked up from where she was curled in a couch on the observation deck to see Lieutenant Gaeta. "Do you need something, sir?"

"No. I just asked a question. What are you reading?" He looked at her book with an ill-disguised predatory gleam in his eye.

"It's a romance novel," Dee said, relishing the way Gaeta drew back. "It won't bite you."

"I don't know about that," Gaeta said, but his smile faded. "What are you doing reading a romance novel, Dee? You're smarter than that."

"Smarter than what?" Dee asked.

"Than the people who read romance novels," Gaeta said.

Dee noticed he had a book with him. "What are you reading?" she asked. She cocked her head so she could see the title. "Human Genetics: Fabricating the Future. Gods, sir, don't you ever just relax?" In the two weeks she'd been on the battlestar, Dee could count the number of times she'd seen Gaeta down in the rec room on one hand.

"When I'm not training smart asses to use the CIC equipment, sure," Gaeta said. He gestured to the couch across from Dee. "Mind if I sit?"

"Can't really stop you, can I?"

"You are allowed to say no to a request." He smiled, and then plopped down in his couch and put his feet up on hers.

"Hey!"

"This one's not a request," he said, mischief sparkling in his eye.

"Fine," Dee sniffed. She slouched down and put her own feet up on his couch, next to him. He leaned his elbow against her toes, and so she did the same to him. He grinned at her once more and then turned back to his book, and Dee followed suit.

Shiloh Usoi must have liked the military idea, Dee discovered. This time the heroine was a medic, a small, dark woman named Annie, and once again, she was Sagittaron. Dee had never felt a greater love for Shiloh Usoi than she did at that moment.

"What are you smiling about, Petty Officer?" Gaeta asked her.

Dee sniffed. "It's a romance novel, and you're too good for that. Why do you care?"

"If I said I was sorry, would you tell me?"

"Would you mean it?"

Gaeta made a face. "I'd be sorry I offended you."

"Sorry I was offended, or sorry you said something mean?" Dee asked. She couldn't believe she was talking this way to an officer, but after spending every working hour with Gaeta for the past two weeks, she had the suspicion he was someone she could tease.

"I'm sorry I said something mean," he clarified. "Mocking your opinion and views is pretty rude."

"It is," Dee agreed. Fortunately, she hadn't been that offended in first place, so she let him off the hook after nudging him in the ribs with her boot. "It's just… okay, I know you think romance novels are stupid and facile," Gaeta snorted at her word choice there, "but this is my favorite author. She actually writes about Sagittarons."

Gaeta looked at her blankly. "Don't other people?"

"Well, not the juicy ones," Dee admitted. "Sagittaron romance novels usually end at the kissing."

"What's the point?" Gaeta asked.

"Well, exactly. But every other romance novel I've ever read, if there is a Sagittaron, they're the bad guy."

"That can't be true. How many thousands of romance novels are out there?"

"I just don't find them then," Dee said, shrugging.

Gaeta considered this, frowning. "Well," he finally said, "there are twelve colonies. Is it people being deliberate, or is it just them not even thinking about Sagittaron?"

Dee's eyes narrowed. "I hope you're not suggesting that's supposed to make me feel better."

"No," Gaeta said, with a touch of bitterness in his voice, "it's just what I tell myself." He sighed. "There's a reason I read non-fiction, you know."

"Are you Sagittaron?" Dee asked, surprised.

"No. Gay."

"Oh." Dee had never really met someone who was actually gay before, or at least, who had been open about it. Gaeta was staring intently at his book, and suddenly Dee realized he was taking a risk telling her, because she was Sagittaron.

Her head began to hurt.

"Yeah," Gaeta said, not looking up. "I mean, it's not that big a deal, but try finding a good mystery series with a gay detective. There are a few out there, but a lot of the ones I read are just garbage. And I grew up on Gemenon."

"Oh."

"Yeah. And there are a few lines in the Scrolls…" he rolled his eyes. "So you can guess what sort of reaction that usually gets."

"How'd your parents take it?" Dee asked.

"Oh, they were fine," Gaeta said. He finally put his book down, laying the open pages face down on his stomach. He slouched further down in the couch, his perfectly shined shoes against Dee's thigh. "My parents actually are atheists. They didn't care. I didn't even care much- it's not that big a deal." He stuck his chin out defiantly. "But it would be nice if there were a few more good detective series out there where the guy went for another guy." He shrugged. "But I guess the majority of guys go for girls, so… yeah."

"Frustrating." Dee agreed.

"Yeah. Why isn't the gay guy ever good enough to be the hero?" Gaeta asked, warming up to the subject. "The main character? They're always the best friend or the underling or the celibate support guy."

"That's it," Dee realized, sitting up a little straighter, the feeling of a minor epiphany in her. "Every time a Sagittaron woman does show up, she's the little sister or the one who enters a convent or stands in the way of the hero's real true love or she dies."

"Yeah, the gay guy always dies, too," Gaeta agreed. "I read a statistic that three out of four gay characters die."

"I think it's about the same for people of my race," Dee said, furrowing her brow. "It's really pretty alarming."

"Yeah." Gaeta sighed. "And when I bitch to people, they tell me to just write it myself. Which, I'm not a writer."

"Yeah," Dee agreed. "I mean, I loved writing in school-"

"I didn't."

"-But that's not a career for me, you know? I like the computers."

"Can't say I blame you." Gaeta grinned at her in reinforced solidarity. "So yeah, that's why I read a lot of non-fiction. Well, that and because I like it."

"But why is it?" Dee wondered, leaning her chin on her hand. "Why don't people ever write stuff like that?"

"Oh, who knows," Gaeta said, rolling his eyes. "Probably because they don't believe there's a market for that. Because Sagittaron means "religious fanatic" and gay man means "take it up the ass" and absolutely nothing else." He picked his book back up, but Dee stared at him, leaning her chin on her hand and thinking.

There was truth to what Gaeta said. In all the novels she'd read, most of which were bought on Sagittaron, there were maybe five or six gay characters. And they had all died, and they were all in smaller roles. But the thing was, Dee had never even thought about that. She'd thought about the way Sagittarons were portrayed, but she hadn't even blinked about how homosexuals were portrayed. And why not? Because it wasn't part of her own world.

It was a very uncomfortable thought.

Even now, sitting here with Gaeta and watching him read, she found herself thinking about the fact he was gay. She wasn't thinking of him as the lieutenant that had been showing her the ropes for the past two weeks, and who had been the friendliest person on the ship- hell, in the military- to her. Not as the man who was so passionate about science that he was reading a tome on genetics on his down time, either. But gay. She frowned, chastising herself, because it was exactly what she chafed at when people saw her as Sagittaron rather than a computer geek or a new recruit.

And that was what bothered her, she realized. So often in the novels, Sagittaron women were characteristics instead of characters, and then pushed to the side. It was indicative of how people really viewed Sagittarons, and the sort of shit that she'd come across in basic. No, not just in basic, she realized as she remembered how everyone at school at treated her for joining the military. Hate was hate, and it wasn't what Dee wanted to be reading.

She rubbed her forehead, trying to ease her headache. Gaeta noticed and looked up at her inquiringly with raised eyebrows, but she just shook her head. At least the book she was reading right now skipped the worst of that. Dee picked it back up and went back to the story, thanking whatever gods were listening that at least one author could get it right.

***

The worlds had ended, and there weren't many places to hide. Really, there was no place, as they jumped from coordinates to coordinates, patch of space after patch of space. But when she was off duty, Dee found something of a haven.

"Dee?"

Dee was huddled in a supply closet, knees up to her chest. She didn't think anyone would find here, but she should have known Felix would. After a year of working together, he knew her well. He sat down on the crate across from her.

"How are you holding up?" Dee asked, setting the novel she was reading down on her knee.

"All right." Felix rubbed his face. "How about you?"

"As well as anyone, I suppose," Dee said. She didn't want to think about it, so she focused on Felix's face. He looked tired. He hadn't shaved, and there were circles under his eyes. "What's up?"

"Nothing," he said lamely. "I was just… I wanted to get away. You think about it and you think about it, and after a while, it just crushes you, you know?"

She knew. Her mother, her father, her brother, Ava, her former school, her ex-boyfriend, her dog, her aunts, her uncles… if Dee kept thinking, all she would be able to do was cry. That was why she was in here. "Want a romance novel?" she asked Felix, extending her worn copy of Desert Kisses.

"A romance novel," Felix snorted.

"A romance novel," Dee said firmly. "It's predictable, it has a happy ending, and it has a satisfying conclusion and goes the way life should instead of the way life does."

Felix sighed and took the book. "I don't think it will work," he said.

"It won't," Dee said, "except for while you're reading it. But right now, that's got to be enough."

Felix slid off the crate and sat down across from her, so their legs were touching. Dee remembered that night a year ago, when they'd sat on opposite couches on the observation deck and his feet had been next to her and vice versa. Nothing would ever be the same as that night, but at least they still had this.

She smiled grimly and turned back to her book.

***

After a while, novels became a precious commodity in the Fleet. Not only were they a means of escape, they were something for people to do, especially in the civilian sections of the Fleet. Dee found herself a relatively wealthy woman, in a strange sort of way.

She did sell off one or two of her books, but the truth was they were hard to part with. They were too much a part of her life, especially the Usoi ones. She couldn't let them go.

But she lent them. To his eternal shame, Felix became an addict, a secret Dee swore to take with her to the grave. Layne Ishay often came looking for her, especially after deaths in the infirmary. Cally was a regular, and Billy even told President Roslin, who borrowed one or two. And, of course, the XO's wife read through Dee's stash in a week.

On the rare occasions that she went over to Cloud 9, she took something to trade. She was able to add three books to her little library.

But the best one came well after the attacks, when Dee flew down to New Caprica for a meeting and Felix greeted her with a mischievous grin and a wrapped package.

"What are you doing, Mr. Chief of Staff?" she asked as she stepped out of the Raptor into the landing field.

Felix handed her a bouquet of weed-like flowers. "What do you think? Happy birthday, Mrs. Adama."

"You remembered!" Dee said, although she wasn't that surprised. "Thank you."

"I have something you're going to like even better," Felix said. He handed her the package. "You're not going to believe this."

"What is it?" Dee asked, tearing off the paper. Underneath was a bound stack of papers, like a book without a cover. And as Dee's eyes took in the print, she saw it was a book without a cover. The title was The Admiral's Daughter, and the author-

"Shiloh Usoi?" Dee said, her eyes widening. "How did you get this?"

"Open it," Felix said, an odd note of urgency in his voice.

Dee did, flipping through the pages. Words kept catching her eye- Cylon, attacks, the Fleet… and it slowly dawned on her. "Shiloh Usoi is in the Fleet?" she gasped. "She's still alive?"

"Or someone's using her name," Felix confirmed. "But Dee, I checked the manifests, and there's no one by the name Shiloh Usoi in the Fleet."

"Well, of course not," Dee said. "Do you have any idea how many romance novelists use pen names? I'll read it first to see if it really is her, and then we can find the publisher." She stared at the book, and then realized something. "There must not be that many copies in existence."

"I think it was a run of like, twenty," Felix agreed.

Dee hugged him. "Thank you for getting me one."

Felix flushed. "I have to admit, I read it already."

"I knew it! Was it good?"

"If it's not her, she's even better than the original," Felix said.

"Then let's go find the publisher now."

***

"Well, the thing is, Lieutenant, the author doesn't want me telling," the publisher said.

"Whyever not?" Dee asked. They were in a small tent where the newspaper equipment had been relocated to. "It's not like I'm planning on stalking her or anything. It's just... she's my favorite author and she survived. The odds…"

"Look, I get it," the publisher said, looking vaguely sympathetic. "But rules are rules, and Shiloh Usoi doesn't want to be found."

"You're sure?" Dee begged.

The publisher grinned. "I'm sure. Not much I can do about it."

"Oh well." At least she had the book. And maybe she could come up with a way to somehow find Shiloh Usoi on New Caprica after all.

***

It was hard to have a new book and not read it. Dee found herself bringing the book to the CIC, despite the fact that the XO of the ship probably (definitely) shouldn't be reading on duty.

Lee caught her and started laughing. "You're insatiable," he teased her, a lot more affectionately than the commander should tease his XO.

"I know," Dee said. "But it's a new book. Do you know how rare those are?"

Lee snorted, but it was amused. "You've read enough of them," he said. "You ought to write one."

"Right."

"Yeah, write," Lee said, not really catching her sarcasm. He frowned thoughtfully. "I'll bet you'd be really good at it."

"And what would I do, Mr. Literary Agent? Publish as the XO of the Pegasus?"

"Use a pen name," Lee said with a shrug. "You said that's what that Shiloh whatsername does."

"Like what?"

"Isn't it supposed to be your childhood pet's name with the street you grew up on?" Lee asked.

"That's your porn star name, sir," Hoshi put in from the communications station. Lee and Dee both jumped. "And really, that's a scam to get the answers to common security questions for identity theft."

"Well, good, because I don't think using Buffy Chestnuts for a penname is a good idea," Dee said dryly. Hoshi smirked and turned back to his work, and Lee laughed.

"Now Hoshi can steal your credit card information," he pointed out.

"If he can get into the bank, he's welcome to it," Dee said. Hoshi looked over and grinned at her.

Lee shook his head. "Probably ought to put the book away, Dee," he finally said.

"I know," Dee sighed, her hand lingering on the cover. "But count me out for anything tonight."

"It's just going to be you and the handsome hero in the novel, right?"

Dee grinned. "You got it."

From his station, Hoshi snickered.

***

The Admiral's Daughter was most definitely up to Usoi's usual standards. The Admiral was recognizable as Cain, although the author had changed the name, and the battlestar was most definitely the Pegasus, even if the author called it the Argonaut. The daughter, Nora, however, didn't seem to be anyone that Dee recognized, and the idea was that the Admiral hadn't known that Nora, a new CIC officer, was her daughter. The main romance didn't happen until the Argonaut found the other ships in the Fleet, and then Nora met an officer on another ship named Tim.

Interestingly, Tim looked exactly like Lee Adama.

"Lee?" Dee asked, lying on their bed and swinging her legs in the air as she read.

"Yes?"

"How many other people in the Fleet have you slept with?"

"What?" Lee began to look a little panicked. "Dee, we've been over this! What the frak-?"

"Oh, I'm not angry," Dee said, flipping over and laughing at him. "I'm just… curious."

"Why?" He eyed her book suspiciously. "Do I want to know?"

"Read this," Dee ordered. For a moment Lee stared at it like it would explode, but then he took it and began to read.

"Wait…."

"I know, right?" Dee asked, smirking. She tried to stifle her laughter. "It's definitely meant to be you. But it gets better."

"Better?" Lee asked. He flipped a few pages and sat down on the side of the bed. His eyebrows kept rising further and further up his eyebrows, until- "Hey! I don't do that!"

"That's what I said," Dee sighed.

"And I definitely don't do that!"

"I know," Dee muttered.

"That's disgusting."

"Mm."

He handed her the book back, looking like he was torn between being offended and laughing his ass off. "Judging by what they wrote, this isn't anyone I've ever slept with." He grinned. "Which is a relief."

"What, you wouldn’t want me to write a romance novel about our sex life and sell it to the Fleet?"

Lee blanched a little. "Would you do that?"

Dee thought about it. "No," she finally said. "I'm not an exhibitionist."

"But?" Lee prompted.

Dee shrugged. "I'm not a writer," she said. "It doesn't matter."

"A lot of people aren't getting to be what they wanted to be," Lee said, and Dee noticed he sounded very bitter.

"I never wanted to be a writer," Dee reminded him. "I'm actually doing what I wanted to do." She frowned. Although not for why. Not any more. And someday, they were going to be down there on New Caprica, the battlestars only a distant memory.

But really, it was all kind of ridiculous. After all, like everyone said, they were only romance novels.

***

And yet, Dee couldn't get the idea out of her mind.

The thing was, she'd always sort of entertained the idea. She realized that now. She was the one who read the romance novels and complained about how they were written, because she could actually envision better. But she kept pushing it away, because she wasn't a writer, she was the XO of the Pegasus. She was a commander. She was a soldier.

A soldier with nothing to do.

Day after day they orbited New Caprica, and it was harder and harder to stay focused. Dee did, as much as she could, but at night, when she was off duty and in their quarters, she found herself at odds. The XO wasn't supposed to be friends with the crew, and it made for a lonely position.

The problem was finding an idea.

She thought about it, thinking about what fascinated her and what sort of love stories she could talk about. Forbidden love was one of her kinks, she'd learned that one back as early as Broken Skies, Broken Sunsets, but what was forbidden? She couldn't stomach writing about anyone loving a Cylon. Cross ranks in the military? That felt a little too… personal. Like she'd told Lee, she wasn't exactly an exhibitionist.

It came to her, actually, listening to Stinger and Narcho bantering during a routine patrol. They were full of it- she'd heard their long, drawn-out drama about love forbidden by rank before. It was something that passed the time. But the idea of two pilots… pilots frakked each other enough that it wasn't forbidden.

She was sitting in her quarters sifting through her novels when it hit her. She was staring at the well-worn cover of Pilot Dreams (another case against doing pilots- Shiloh Usoi had done them already), and she remembered that day, so, so long ago, when she and Felix had argued about romance novels. Felix had complained that he rarely read fiction because it was hard to come across good gay characters. And that was when the spigot opened.

The hero wouldn't be that recognizable, she figured- although Felix would kill her if he ever found out. A curly-haired CIC officer (although at least he was the LSO and a captain, she thought smugly), who was trying to solve a murder mystery on a battlestar and falling in love with the lieutenant working astrometrics. She had no intention of publishing it - not really - but it was something fun to do.

Then the Cylons found them, and there was no time or inspiration to write anymore.

***

Lieutenant Roswell- Jim, John firmly reminded himself- frowned. "I don't know," he said. "I think it…"

"You think what?" Dee muttered, staring at the screen. The Galactica's CIC was quiet today, and she was bored. "I know you're thinking something, but what is it?"

The comm set buzzed and she switched her screen, moving back over to her real work. Three directed calls and one argument with a Vice President later, she brought the document back up.

I have to tell you, I have six months to live. I have to tell you, I'm frakking President Roslin. Hey baby, want to get it on with Adama watching us? She kept hitting the delete button, barely able to keep from grinning. All of them were stupid and cliched, but she didn't have any real idea. There was some mysteryabout Jim Roswell- something he was hiding- but for the life of her, Dee couldn't figure out what it was meant to be. Another call came in, and she flipped her screen back.

By the end of her shift, she'd written a grand total of three hundred and twelve words. Which wouldn't be so bad if she hadn't actually had time. But the novel was coming along well- she'd managed to save it from the Pegasus, and it was up to almost one hundred and fifty pages. What she'd do when she was done with it, she didn't know.

"Lieutenant Dualla." Hoshi was standing there, and Dee started as she realized her shift was over. "I'm relieving you of duty," he said formally.

She quickly saved her progress and then stood and saluted. "Thank you, Lieutenant." He grinned at her, winking, and then sat down.

"Anything I need to know about today?" he asked.

"Zarek's still trying to get through. The Admiral wants him held off."

Hoshi rolled his eyes. "What else is new?"

"Other than that, you're in for an easy shift. I was bored out of my mind," Dee said.

"Great. See you later, Lieutenant."

Dee glanced around the CIC to make sure that neither the Colonel or the Admiral were watching, and then slipped her drive into her pocket. They'd kill her if they thought she was taking information out of the CIC.

***

"What are you working so hard on over there?" Lee asked as Dee sat at the table, writing by hand. "My father have you doing paperwork?"

"No, it's nothing," Dee said, oddly embarrassed. She wasn't even on a steamy part, but the idea of Lee seeing it…

"Come on," he teased. "I'm your husband. You can show me."

Dee shook her head. "It's nothing."

"It's something. Gimme." Before she could stop him, Lee grabbed the papers from her.

"Lee!" Dee shrieked, half annoyed, half laughing at his boyish expression of glee. He dangled them away from her as she reached for them.

"No way, babe," he said. "I want to see. What have you been scribbling so hard on? Porn?"

"It's not porn," Dee laughed, making a swipe at her papers. Lee wrapped an arm around her, anchoring him against him as he scanned the pages.

"Hey, you're really writing?" he asked her.

"I know it sounds crazy, but-"

He looked at her suspiciously. "Am I in it?"

"No."

"You sure?"

For some reason, she found her cheeks heating up. "It's about two guys."

Lee blinked. "Oh. But I thought you'd write a romance novel."

"I am."

Lee blinked again. "Oh. Why?"

"Why what?"

"Why two guys?" He frowned. "You think that's hot?"

Dee's embarrassment deepened. "Well, that's not the only reason why I'm writing this, but yeah."

"Erm, you don't want to watch me-"

"No! No, that's not it." Dee retreated fast from that subject, because the idea of Lee sleeping with anyone else was a place neither of them wanted to go. "But you think two women would be hot together, right? You can't tell me you never watched girl-on-girl porn." Lee acknowledged her point with a simple nod. "So why can't I like two guys?"

"Got me." Lee looked back down at the pages. "So, can I read it when you're done with it?"

"I…"

"I won't laugh, Dee. Unless I'm supposed to."

"I know." Dee's cheeks were starting to hurt. "It's just, I'm not even sure what I'm going to do with it, and the idea of you actually reading it… what if you don't like it?"

"Then I don't like it." He kissed her. "It's not a personal reflection."

Dee knew he meant it, and he knew that once, she would have agreed. Now, having written, she really wasn't so sure.

***

It took a few days before Dee had another chance to write in the CIC, and by then she had ten handwritten pages to type in. She opened the program, and then stopped. There was another file.

There shouldn't be any other files. No one used the word processing programs on the CIC section. Not like this, anyway. Dee glanced around, and then picked up the CIC phone. "Felix," she said, "get over here, will you? I've got a file I need scanned before I open it."

"Be right there." Across the room, Felix hung up his phone and headed over to Dee. "Whatcha got?" he asked, leaning over her console.

"This file just appeared," Dee said, pointing to it. The name was ATEOTW. "I'm not sure what it is?"

"What were you doing with the word processing program anyway?" Felix asked, his fingers flying over the keyboard. "Next thing we know Tigh will catch you playing Cryus at your station." He frowned. "It looks clear, Dee. I think it's just something that someone else put in there."

"There shouldn't be," Dee said, ignoring the fact that she was using this station in a way that didn't quite meet regulations. "Let's find out."

Felix stayed over her shoulder as she opened it, and the document opened up. Dee didn't know what she was expecting, but it wasn't what she saw. Across the top were blazoned the words At the End of the Worlds, and right under that, by Shiloh Usoi.

"What the frak?" Felix demanded. Dee scrolled down, both of them reading. Felix caught on first. "Wait a minute… Shiloh Usoi is an officer on the Galactica? There's no Shiloh!"

"That's because it's an anagram." Both Dee and Felix looked up to see Louis Hoshi standing there, a resigned, miserable, embarrassed expression on his face. He held up a small drive. "I forgot to save before I left my station," he explained.

Dee could only stare.

***

"Seriously. You're Shiloh Usoi?" Dee asked.

Hoshi still looked fairly miserable, although now he looked tired as well. Dee could barely wait until her shift had ended before she'd found him, and he looked ready for bed. But he nodded, scrubbing his face with his hands as they sat at a table in the empty mess hall. "I'm Shiloh Usoi," he admitted. He flinched. "I know it sounds crazy, but-"

"But what?" Dee said. "You're…" she realized how she was about to sound and reined herself in. "You're my favorite writer," she admitted.

That caught Hoshi's attention. "You're joking."

"I'm not," Dee said. "I got into romance novels as a kid, and yours are the only ones I ever read that didn't make the Sagittaron characters into idiots."

"Oh." He seemed pleased by that. "Well, we're not."

"Wait. You're Sagittaron?" Dee asked. "How did I not know that?"

Hoshi's face darkened. "I don't advertise."

"But I didn't… I didn't…" Dee shook her head. "Wow. But why write with a penname?" she asked. "Why not just under Louis Hoshi?"

He shrugged. "I tried that once. No one on Sagittaron would publish it. They said that no one would want to read a romance novel written by a man, particularly since the principal audience was women. And once they knew I was gay…." He shrugged again. "It was just easier to write under a woman's name. I got published that way."

"Oh." Dee wasn't sure what to say.

Hoshi moved on, anyway. "I can't believe you've actually read my stuff," he said. "I mean, I got a few letters here and there, but I've never actually met someone who read my books and knew it was me face to face."

Dee smiled. "You want to hear something really wild?"

"Hit me with it."

"You're the reason I'm in the military."

Hoshi boggled at that. "What?"

"I'm serious," Dee said. "I read Colonial Honor when I was in high school, and it just… Aramelle was just like me. And it really made me realize what I wanted to do. And you know what? It was hell. There were times- especially in basic- I wondered how the frak I ever thought this was a good idea. It was so miserable and lonely… but I kept remembering some of what she said- what you wrote," Dee realized. She trailed off. "That was you. I mean, you might have been calling her Aramelle, but it was you who went through basic and you who made those decisions and your…" she shook her head. "You made me feel like I wasn't alone at a time when I really was. So thank you."

Hoshi just stared at her for a long time, silent. "What?" Dee asked, nervously. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to come off like a crazy stalker, I just-"

"No. It's all right. It's just," he blinked fast, "that's the nicest compliment about my writing I've ever gotten. When I started, I kept thinking that if one day, just one person felt that way, that I touched one person… Thank you."

They smiled at each other.

"Hey." Felix was standing in the door of the mess hall. "Anyone hear about the change in schedules tomorrow?"

Dee didn't know how she missed it before, but suddenly, sitting at the table and watching Hoshi, she saw it. She saw the way his face lit up like a sunrise as he looked at Felix standing in the door, and the way his posture straightened and he wiped away the exhaustion. "No. What's going on?"

"I've already heard," Dee said, standing up and heading for the door hastily. "I should get going."

"Okay." Felix let her go without comment, and Dee practically floated from the room. She winked at him, now completely understanding how he'd felt when he met Gaius Baltar. And how her protagonist, John Ageon, felt when he met his personal hero- even if that Caprican hero crushed him and broke his heart.

She was thinking of that as she walked through the corridors, and suddenly, it hit her. She knew exactly what John's lover Jim was hiding. Funny how she hadn't seen that before.

After all, Dee had always had a thing for Sagittarons in romance novels. And now she had her own chance to get it right.