Fic: Whatever Makes Him Happy. RPS. Jensen/Jared. NC-17
It's been a while but hey, I wrote something.
Title: Whatever Makes Him Happy
Author: felisblanco
Pairing: Jensen/Jared
Rating: NC-17
Word count: 4900
Summary: What a guy wants, what a guy needs…
Warnings: BDSM. Including (but not limited to): biting, knife play and asphyxiation.
Author's note: Ok, I know the warnings make this sound kinda iffy (not to mention the sucky title) but this is actually schmoopy kink, or schmink as we weirdos (aka me) like to call it. So please, don't let it scare you, I'm more putting it up there so I don't get yelled at if someone is sensitive for any of these things. It's a bit angsty, much porny but mostly it's about needing/giving and understanding. And love. Yes, I'm a sap and proud of it.
Read over by keepaofthecheez (Thank you! *hugs*) who convinced me it did make sense and didn't make Jensen look like a wimp. Because he's not and anyone who says so will get his ass kicked. So there.
Man, this is like the longest pre-story author's note ever.
All jokes aside, Jared’s not really the simpleton so many seem to take him for. He grins and goofs around, playing the clown, the youngest, and they just automatically lower his IQ, like it takes brains to brood. It doesn’t really bother him; in fact he finds the whole ‘big, dumb oaf’ thing kinda funny, and just smiles and shakes his head when Jensen gets annoyed on his behalf.
“Not everyone can pull of being both pretty and smart,” Jared says with a grin and elbows Jensen playfully.
Jensen snorts but he still looks bothered. Jared suspects it has more to do with his own dealings with people who never see beyond his pretty face, just like they can’t seem to see beyond Jared’s antics. And if anyone is stupid it’s those people, right there, because how can anyone watch Jensen work for more than five minutes without being struck by the sheer magnitude of his talent?
So yeah, Jared’s not stupid. But sometimes, admittedly, he feels a little bit slow.
Like in regards to this whole thing with him and Jensen. Not the sex thing, no. He kinda got that from the start. Hard to miss it really seeing as it’s sex. Involving himself. Yeah, he got that. No problem.
No, it’s the other thing. The thing he’s not sure what to call. That he didn’t get. Not right away anyway.
Thing is, it kinda crept up on him unaware, until suddenly it’s just there, a part of what they are without him even realizing they were headed that way. But when he finally does catch on he can’t help wondering if this is where Jensen’s been heading, all along. And maybe that does make Jared feel a little bit stupid.
See, something he did realize, from the moment they started this whole relationship thing, was that being with a guy is completely different than being with a girl. And he’s not even talking about the no-boobs/big-dick part and all the other things that make it obvious that a guy is definitely not a girl.
Except in a way maybe he is.
To tell the truth, physically, everything is different. Where Sandy was all soft and curvy, Jensen’s hard muscle and ridges. Her skin was soft but Jensen’s is smooth and no, it’s not the same thing no matter what the dictionary says. Jensen’s hair is both shorter and coarser when Jared catches it in his fist and his fingers are strong and calloused when they dig into Jared’s biceps. Jensen’s face is roughened by stubble and he smells of cologne and sometimes faintly of make-up. And although Jensen has prettier lips and eyes than any girl Jared’s ever known, Sandy included, he’s so far from being feminine, that for Jared the shift from being straight-as-an-arrow to maybe-not-as-much, takes his breath away.
Literally, in fact, the first time Jensen kisses him. Knocks the air right out of Jared’s lungs until his head spins. Although technically that’s the wall connecting with Jared’s back when Jensen slams him into it; his lips that seconds earlier had been laughing at one of Jared’s lame jokes, now smashed against his, trying their best to devour him. By the time Jared’s brain and lungs have recovered enough to try and breathe in, Jensen slips a hand down the front of Jared’s pants and… Yeah, breathing is so overrated.
When Jensen finally lets go of Jared’s lips to mouth his way down the jaw and neck instead, Jared is so dizzy that if it wasn’t for the wall and Jensen’s fingers curled around his hip, he’d be swaying like a pole in the wind. His throat makes a raspy sound when he sucks in his first breath in what seems like hours.
“Jesus, Jen,” is all he manages to get out before strong fingers wrap around his dick, disabling all communication except for groans and whimpers for the next half hour. It’s not until he’s lying flat out on the floor, with his body still twitching in aftershock and Jensen’s labored breath brushing his stomach, that Jared tries again.
“That was…” he begins, but stops, because really, he has no idea what that was.
Jensen grunts an inaudible reply before turning his head to wipe the spit and come off his face on Jared’s t-shirt. “Beer?” he asks.
“Er… yeah. Sure.”
See? Nothing like being with a girl.
They fall into a rhythm, easy as that. Kisses in their trailers, hard and wet lips pressed together, teeth nibbling at the edge of a mouth. Groping under the tables at lunch, proving just how far you can go without getting caught. Jensen pushing Jared up against a hurriedly locked door before falling to his knees, sucking Jared’s brain out through his cock. Jared smashing Jensen face first into a wall, biting at his neck as he fucks him savagely, fingers twisted in Jen’s hair. Gasping “Yeah,” and “Like that,” and “Don’t stop, don’t fucking stop,” with members of their cast and crew only three feet and a thin wall away.
It’s not always like that though. Sometimes it’s late night lounging in front of the TV; Jensen’s fingers running through Jared’s hair, Jared sighing his content against Jensen’s stomach before tracing patterns across the soft skin with his tongue. Or it’s lazy morning kisses as tired hands slide over warm skin, lips murmuring encouragement and gasping softly as fingers find their way inside. Those times it’s almost torturously slow, quiet whispers of “C’mon” and “Yeah, right there” as each of them struggles to last the longest.
But most times? Most times it’s fierce. Hard and fast and desperate. And as much as the intensity had shocked Jared at first, it now turns him on like nothing else. It’s a revelation, a whole new world of lust and longing, like he’s never ever felt before. And he loves it.
To feel Jensen’s skin give way to his teeth as they leave temporary marks of ownership. To hear Jensen gasp as Jared grabs his hips just a little too tight, pressing his thumbs into the curve above Jensen’s hipbone. The way Jensen arches of the bed, fingernails clawing at the sheets when Jared fucks him with his fingers, driving them deep and hard and just this side of painful.
In fact Jared’s enjoying it so much, watching Jensen fall apart in front of his eyes because of his doings, that he doesn’t even notice that their roles have switched to the point that it’s always like this now. Jared wanting, demanding, taking, whatever he wants, however he wants. Jensen moaning and whimpering and honest to God begging for more, harder, faster, “Please, oh God yes, Jay, yes!”
That’s how it started, Jared later realizes. That’s when he should have caught on. But he’s slow, so painfully slow, so caught up in the thrill of it all that it never even occurs to him. The question is: would it have mattered? If he’d seen it then, when everything was still new and scary, would he have accepted it, taken it on with everything it entails? Or would he have run away? He doesn’t know.
One night the blushes of Jared’s fingerprints don’t fade from Jensen’s skin but turn into bruises that stand out like bright beacons. In the early morning Jared traces them with his tongue and whispers, “Yes, mine.” It makes Jensen stutter and come without Jared even touching his dick.
It only escalates from there. See, Jared loves it. Loves seeing the evidence of what they do, of what they are, projected bright and obvious on Jensen’s body. The crescent dents from his teeth on Jensen’s ass, the welts from his fingernails running down Jensen’s back.
‘I did that, those are mine. Mine, mine, mine,’ Jared thinks. It’s almost scary how good it makes him feel.
He pins Jensen’s wrists to the bed, high above his head, circling them easily with his long fingers.
“Fight me,” he whispers into Jensen’s ear and Jen sucks in his breath. He tries to buck Jared off him but Jared just laughs, pressing his hips into Jensen’s, holding him down with his weight.
“You can’t, can you? Jennyjenjen, how you like that? How you like being my little bitch?”
Jensen curses and struggles to free himself but they both know he’s trapped. He’s panting, his pupils black and wide, and he’s hard as a rock. He keeps fighting, writhing and bucking on the bed until they both come, skin on skin, bone on bone, cock against cock. Jared holds on to Jensen’s wrists until he goes lax and bows his head, eyes downcast.
“Yeah, I thought so,” Jared says smugly, still panting. Jensen glances up, smiling, and Jared grins back. “Bitch.”
“Jerk,” Jensen says and yawns. He falls asleep with his hands still resting above his head, leaving it to Jared to clean up the mess. It’s okay, he doesn’t mind.
A dark night in November, Jared is fucking Jensen on their bed when Jen grabs his wrist and guides his hand up to his own throat, a nervous Adam’s apple jumping against Jared’s palm. Jared wraps his long fingers around that slender neck, never even stopping to ask ‘Why’ or ‘Are you sure?’ He watches the black pupils explode in a sea of green as Jensen’s pretty face darkens, not letting go until the eyes roll back in Jen’s head, his fingers twitching on Jared’s thighs as he comes violently. For a second Jared feels a stab of fear, that maybe he’s gone too far, but the blissful look in Jensen’s eyes when he opens them, kills it instantly.
“God, that was… Fuck, Jay,” Jensen rasps weakly and Jared’s breath shudders. He comes with a hard thrust, his fingers still splayed across Jensen’s collarbone.
“Yeah,” he gasps. “Yeah. Jesus fuck.”
The next day Jen’s voice is raw and he keeps touching his throat, almost reverently, eyes seeking Jared whenever someone asks him if he’s alright.
“Yeah. I’m fine,” he says and smiles Dean’s cocky grin. “A little too much tequila last night.”
Jared puts on Sam’s exasperated bitch face as Dean drinks his coffee grumpily, dick twitching in his pants. To everyone else Dean will seem hung over but Jared knows it’s all him, his doing, and God, it feels good.
‘Mine, all mine.’
The words sing louder than ever in his head, heavy and delicious, and Jensen licks his lips in response to Jared’s heated gaze.
‘Yes,’ he says without uttering a single word. ‘All yours.’
Jared shivers.
One evening, eating Texas t-bone straight off the grill, Jensen raises the knife he’s been cutting his meat with, up to his face. Jared watches him run the sharp edge down his neck and across his collarbone, eyes staring intently into Jared’s, as his breathing grows shallow. Heart thundering, Jared snatches the knife out of Jensen’s hand and pushes him down on the floor.
He fucks Jensen hard enough that he skids across the kitchen tiles, the blunt side of the knife pressing red lines into the bruised skin at Jensen’s throat, alongside the pounding vein. Jensen stares up at him, pupils blown impossibly wide, lips moving in silent words that Jared can’t make out. When Jensen comes he arches his throat against the knife, fingers wrapped around Jared’s wrist.
“God, Jen,” Jared gasps and Jensen shivers as the knife slips away from his throat and falls with a clatter on the floor.
A thought flutters at the edge of Jared’s mind but he’s too tired to grasp it and he falls asleep wrapped around Jensen’s still shivering body. They wake up cold and aching an hour later and stumble into bed, kissing sleepily. Jared holds Jensen tight as he moves inside him, slow and sweet, kissing every bruise, licking each scratched welt on his skin. Jensen’s asleep again before Jared’s even pulled out.
‘I love you,’ he thinks and Jensen sighs in his sleep, eyes moving rapidly behind paper-thin eyelids.
That’s where Jared should at least have caught on. Never mind all the earlier clues. Slow, so slow.
But maybe it wasn’t just that. Maybe he just wasn’t ready. Maybe he needed time to understand. To let it sink in. Maybe…
Maybe he’s just making excuses for being the most clueless guy on the face of the earth.
It’s just another day, standing around and waiting for the lighting crew to adjust to the increasing darkness, as the clouds grow heavier above. A normal day, a Thursday like so many others, and Jared slides his hand under Jensen’s shirt, tracing the scratches on the skin with the tips of his fingers. He rubs his thumb over the bite marks as Jensen shivers and swallows a moan.
“If only they knew. If they knew what a bitch you are for me, Jen. God, I want to fuck you so hard. Make you feel me for a week,” he whispers through smiling lips, cloaking Jensen’s gasp with a laugh as he jerks back, pressing into Jared’s nails clawing at his bruises.
“You… I… Yes. God. Please, Jay. Please,” Jensen groans under his breath and it’s Jared’s turn to shiver because Jensen sounds so desperate, so starved, that Jared falters for a moment.
“That what you want? Want me to fuck you so goddamn hard you can’t stand straight?” He means for it to sound teasing but instead it comes out guttural and raw.
“Yes.” Jensen drops his head, whispering, “Yes. Please.”
When Kim finally tells them it’s a wrap, they’re tired and cold and desperately in need of a shower, but that still doesn’t stop Jared from throwing Jensen down on the small couch in his trailer the minute he’s locked the door behind them. He fucks Jensen with Dean’s pants still around his ankles, the shirt and tee dragged up and twisted over Jensen’s head and arms so he can’t move, can hardly even breathe. The scratches on his back feel hot and rough under Jared’s tongue when he licks them, tasting traces of iron under the sweat.
“This what you wanted? Feel. This. Fucking feel it?”
Jensen’s reply is muffled by the clothes entrapping him, but the way he clenches around Jared’s cock and comes with a violent buck is answer enough.
They share a cab home and Jensen’s asleep with his head on Jared’s shoulder before they reach the highway. Jared redirects the driver to his apartment and when they get there he manhandles Jensen out of the car and into the building. By the time he’s unlocking the door to his apartment Jensen is blinking slowly awake, hands grabbing at Jared’s waist to keep steady.
“Tired.”
“I know. C’mon, Jen. Time for bed,” Jared coaxes and drags him into the bedroom. “Want to shower first?”
“Do I have to?” Jensen sighs, his lower lip jutting out in a pout as he eyes the bed longingly. “Fucking exhausted, man.”
“You’ll sleep better.”
“Liar.”
“Okay, I’ll sleep better. You stink, dude.”
“I don’t. I…” Jensen frowns then sighs again. “Ok, maybe I stink a little.”
“Uhuh.” Jared is already unbuttoning Jensen’s pants and pulling at his t-shirt. “Take these off, I’ll turn on the shower.”
“Yes, mom.”
“Shut up,” Jared laughs, feeling lightheaded with exhaustion.
He’s still smiling when he comes back out of the bathroom, half expecting to find Jensen curled up sleeping on the bed. The smile drops like a stone when he sees a naked Jensen standing with his back turned, cracking his neck and rubbing his bad shoulder with the heel of his hand.
His back is a canvas of colors, the bruises on his skin standing out harsh and violent in the bright light of the bedroom.
‘I did that,’ Jared thinks weakly. ‘Mine.’
When he was growing up his momma kept telling him that he didn’t know his own strength, that he could snap a kitten’s neck without even trying. “You’re like a big puppy, JT. You gotta learn to hold back or you could hurt someone.” He didn’t believe her until he almost broke Meg’s wrist in a friendly wrestling match over the TV remote. Since then he’s always tried to be as gentle as he can with everyone. Until now…
He swallows and steps closer. “Hey.”
Jensen squints over his shoulder and smiles tiredly at him. He looks even more exhausted than Jared feels and that’s saying something. “You seen my glasses, man? I popped out the contacts and now I can’t see a damn thing.”
“Think you left them on your kitchen counter this morning. We’ll get them tomorrow,” Jared replies and walks over, nuzzling into Jensen’s neck. There’s a bruise on his shoulder that matches Jared’s lips and he kisses it gently. “I can be your guide?” he suggests, letting his hand slide down Jensen’s arm to his elbow.
“There’s a dog joke in there somewhere but damn if I can think of it.” Jensen rubs his eyes and yawns. “Yeah, okay. Jesus, I’m beat. Shower?”
“This way.”
Jensen’s familiar enough with Jared’s apartment to know his way around blindfolded but he still allows Jared to lead him out of the bedroom and across the hall into the bathroom. He doesn’t even bitch when Jared accidentally lets him walk into the doorframe, just murmurs, “Ow,” and rubs his arm as the skin starts to blush. That makes another bruise on Jared’s conscience.
“Sorry.”
“Don’t worry about it.”
Jared brushes his teeth while Jensen showers, and then they switch places. By the time Jared has finally finished cleaning the sweat and grime off his skin, Jensen is half-asleep, sitting slumped on the closed toilet seat with his hands dangling between his knees. Jared steers him by the shoulders back into the bedroom and pushes him gently down on the bed. He’s out cold before Jared has time to pull the covers over them. The last thing he sees before closing his eyes is the rainbow of colors on Jensen’s skin, turned dark and menacing in the pale silver moonlight.
-------
Jared wakes up to Jensen’s ass rubbing against his morning wood. He smiles sleepily and breathes into Jen’s neck. His hair is damp with sweat and he smells like sleep and Jared’s shampoo. Jared lets his hand slide over from Jensen’s hip and splays his fingers across the flat stomach. The soft down of hairs are like a promise under his fingertips but he feels content to just brush over them for now. He places a kiss on Jensen’s ear, murmuring, “Too early, man,” his eyes already closing again. They have two days off and there’s plenty of time for it all later.
Jensen doesn’t answer, just covers Jared’s hand on his stomach with his own and determinedly guides it down until it’s covering his cock, precome sticking to Jared’s palm. Jared chuckles softly and closes his finger around the warm flesh, his strokes teasingly slow and light.
“Jen, you…”
His laughter stops when Jensen’s hand covers his again, squeezing hard enough that he can feel the pulsing veins in Jensen’s cock stutter against his fingers as the circulation is cut off.
“Harder. Please.”
Jensen’s voice is hoarse and again Jared can detect a hint of desperation in it that has his breath hitching. He raises himself up on his elbow, trying to catch Jen’s eyes but they’re closed tight, his nostrils flaring. “Jen?”
“I can’t…” Jensen shakes his head and pushes back. Jared’s cock slides in between his cheeks, precome making it slippery enough that when it reaches the entrance it presses eagerly against it, wanting in. “Fuck,” Jensen whimpers and pushes back even further.
“Jen, wait. C’mon, man. We need…”
Jared tries to pull away but it’s too late, he’s already breeching and with a groan he’s inside. It’s hot and too dry, the friction almost painful, and Jared freezes, terrified of hurting him. “Shit, Jen. No.”
“Please, Jay. It’s okay.” Jensen arches his back, shuddering as Jared’s cock slides even deeper. “Just… Just do it.”
Desperation again, mingled with what almost sounds like fear, and Jared grabs Jensen’s hip, forcing him to stop.
“I’ll hurt you. No. Just let me get the lube, okay?”
Jensen stills and then he nods. “Yeah. Okay.”
His voice is flat and, when Jared carefully pulls out, a quiet intake of breath is Jensen’s only reaction. Heart thundering in his chest Jared rolls over, reaching inside the bedside drawer for the slick.
They’ve stopped using condoms unless they’re on set, where it’s more about staying clean than anything else. They hadn’t really talked about it, Jared had just found the all-clear report from Jensen’s doctor lying on his kitchen table one morning and a couple of weeks later he left his own in the same place. That night they fucked on the floor in front of the TV, using only spit and precome for lubrication. It was the dirtiest fuck of Jared’s life and watching Jensen walking gingerly on set the next couple of days made him so hard he thought he’d burst.
He could do it that way now. Let Jensen suck his fingers wet, or even just his cock, and then drive into him, fast and hard. That is after all what he’s asking for. Jared hesitates, but the taste of Jensen’s bruises are for once like acid on his tongue and the thought of hurting him, even if he’s begging for it, makes Jared’s stomach twist.
He slicks up his fingers generously then slides one slowly in. Jensen huffs in what almost seems like annoyance.
“C’mon, Jay. Just get your goddamn dick in there.”
“Jen? Shut up.”
He adds another finger, letting them slide in and out a few times before curling them slowly. The low gasp makes him smile and he does it over and over again until Jensen is writhing on the bed, whimpering low curses under his breath.
“Jay, fuck. C’mon!”
“We’re going to take it slow, Jen, so just shut up and let me do this, okay?”
“Fuck slow,” Jensen growls and then gasps as Jared pulls out his fingers and pushes his cock inside. “Yeah. Like that.”
“Like what?” Jared teases.
Jensen stills. “I want… I want to feel it, Jare. C’mon. Just…” Jensen turns his head, the pillow muffling his words at the last moment but Jared hears enough to grasp them anyway and he sucks in his breath.
“Jen?”
Jensen shakes his head, face still thrust into the pillow, so hard that he must have trouble breathing. He’s trembling, fingers clawing at the sheets. “Please,” he mumbles.
‘Hurt me,’ echoes in Jared’s head.
“I…” Jared falters. Isn’t that what he’s been doing anyway? Hurting him. But… “No.”
Jensen trembles even harder and then he’s pushing back, hard and desperate. “Please,” he begs, turning his head to breathe, his eyes closed tight. There’s a pained expression on his face, like Jared’s refusal is hurting him more than what he’s asking for and something finally clicks in place in Jared’s head. Oh.
Later he tells Jen the reason he didn’t freak out was that he was too close to coming to even consider it. It’s not true. He didn’t freak out because by then he was addicted to the rush, to the feeling of power and the weight of its responsibility. He just hadn’t realized it until that very moment.
He kisses Jensen’s shoulder, his ear, his cheek, fucking him slowly and more gently than he’s ever done before. “No. No, I won’t. We’re doing it like this.”
“Fuck, Jay. Fuck you! Why…?” Jensen’s almost sobbing by now. “C’mon. I want it. Please!”
“I know. I get it.”
And he does. It’s suddenly so clear, what Jensen’s been doing, where he’s most likely been guiding Jared ever since they started this.
But just because they’re finally there, it doesn’t mean Jensen gets to decide how they do this.
“I’m going to take care of you,” Jared says gently, kissing the pounding vein at Jensen’s temple.
Jensen shakes his head and swallows in frustration. “That’s not-”
“I’m going to take care of you,” Jared insists, “but we’re playing by my rules.”
Jensen stills and then his eyes blink slowly open. He turns his head and Jared watches the shame and desperation in his eyes slowly make way for cautious hope. “You… Jay…?”
“Yeah. It’s okay.” His fingers curl around Jensen’s cock, squeezing it. “I’ll give you what you need, Jen.”
He scrapes his teeth over Jensen’s earlobe, biting down hard when Jensen gasps in anticipation. Then he licks over the blushing mark and whispers, “I’ll mark you and I’ll bruise you and I’ll fuck you so hard you’ll see stars, but I will never ever hurt you, Jen. I promise.”
Jensen starts shaking, his breathing a relieved staccato, and Jared wraps his arms tight around him as he fucks him slow and deep, murmuring, “Let it out, it’s okay, it’s okay.”
He’s at it for over an hour, making Jensen come over and over again until he’s worn-out and whimpering, tenderly curling in on himself. All through Jared never relents, just varies the speed and force, from slow and sweet to brutally hard, and he has to pause a few times when he gets too close to the edge himself, breathing deeply until he gets it under control, before continuing.
When he at last allows himself to come it’s with such force that he bites into Jensen’s shoulder to keep from screaming, but Jensen’s too wiped out to even notice. His whole body is slick with sweat and he’s shaking, his voice hoarse and weak as he whispers, “I’m sorry” and “Thank you” and “Jayjayjay.” Jared holds on to him, murmuring, “It’s okay” and “Sshh, I know” and “Love you, I love you. God, Jen, I love you so much.”
When Jensen finally goes slack, his breathing slowing down until it’s so quiet Jared can hardly hear it above his own thundering heartbeat, Jared pulls away and gets out of bed, then walks to the bathroom on shaky legs. He washes his hands and his cock in the sink then wets a towel to clean Jensen up. At the last moment he looks up, facing himself in the mirror. He’s not sure what he expected to see but it’s just him, Jared, staring back. Flushed and shiny with sweat, pupils dilated and lips puffy, but still him. He doesn’t look evil; he doesn’t look like the kind of man that would enjoy making another man cry, even if he’s begging for it. Especially if he begs for it. And still…
Jared turns off the light above the mirror and returns to the bedroom. Jensen is fast asleep on his stomach, one hand resting on his pillow, fingers loosely curled into a fist. His eyelashes are still wet although his face is dry and he looks more peaceful than Jared ever remembers seeing him. Jared sits down on the bed beside him and gently washes dried come and remnants of lube off Jensen’s skin, cleaning his stomach and thighs, buttocks and genitals, rolling him this way and that to reach every spot. Jensen doesn’t stir, just sighs and sleeps on. The bruises and marks on his skin stand out in the early morning light and Jared kisses every one of them. Some faded, others fresh and still unfolding like blossoms.
Jared sees them now for what they are, better than ever before. Not just marks of ownership or evidence of what they’ve done. That bite mark says, “I’ve got you.” The hickey beside it says, “I understand.” The red lines from fingernails scraping over skin say, “I love you. The funny you, the smart you and, yes, the needy you. This doesn’t change anything.”
The wet patches from his gentle kisses say, “You are not weak. You are not wrong or sick or pathetic. You’re the strongest person I know, the best person. And if anything this only makes me love you more.”
He may be slow but now he’s here, he’s not going anywhere.
This won’t be all they are, Jared doubts that Jensen wants that and he knows he himself couldn’t handle it. He needs the other, more ‘normal’ part of their relationship, just as much as Jensen needs this. Now more than ever.
Before, those rare occasions of gentleness were like the quiet center of their otherwise stormy sex life. Something to be treasured, to be kept safe and sheltered. It’s different now. Now this is what’s precious, this is what Jared needs to guard, because it’s as fragile as glass and as sacred as any secret shared can be.
They’ll find a balance; he doesn’t doubt that for a minute. Just knowing Jensen trusted him enough to ask him for this, something he suspects not many people, if any, have been privileged to, is enough to make him feel confident about whatever is to come.
Outside people are starting their day. Coffee is being brewed, cars starting with a rumble, children running to catch the bus to school. It’s just another day in Vancouver and Jared smiles as he slips under the covers, curling protectively around Jensen’s sleeping body. When Jensen wakes up they’ll shower and get dressed and then Jared’s taking him out for breakfast after they pick up his glasses.
Just another day like any other. Just another day.
fin
Title: Whatever Makes Him Happy
Author: felisblanco
Pairing: Jensen/Jared
Rating: NC-17
Word count: 4900
Summary: What a guy wants, what a guy needs…
Warnings: BDSM. Including (but not limited to): biting, knife play and asphyxiation.
Author's note: Ok, I know the warnings make this sound kinda iffy (not to mention the sucky title) but this is actually schmoopy kink, or schmink as we weirdos (aka me) like to call it. So please, don't let it scare you, I'm more putting it up there so I don't get yelled at if someone is sensitive for any of these things. It's a bit angsty, much porny but mostly it's about needing/giving and understanding. And love. Yes, I'm a sap and proud of it.
Read over by keepaofthecheez (Thank you! *hugs*) who convinced me it did make sense and didn't make Jensen look like a wimp. Because he's not and anyone who says so will get his ass kicked. So there.
Man, this is like the longest pre-story author's note ever.
All jokes aside, Jared’s not really the simpleton so many seem to take him for. He grins and goofs around, playing the clown, the youngest, and they just automatically lower his IQ, like it takes brains to brood. It doesn’t really bother him; in fact he finds the whole ‘big, dumb oaf’ thing kinda funny, and just smiles and shakes his head when Jensen gets annoyed on his behalf.
“Not everyone can pull of being both pretty and smart,” Jared says with a grin and elbows Jensen playfully.
Jensen snorts but he still looks bothered. Jared suspects it has more to do with his own dealings with people who never see beyond his pretty face, just like they can’t seem to see beyond Jared’s antics. And if anyone is stupid it’s those people, right there, because how can anyone watch Jensen work for more than five minutes without being struck by the sheer magnitude of his talent?
So yeah, Jared’s not stupid. But sometimes, admittedly, he feels a little bit slow.
Like in regards to this whole thing with him and Jensen. Not the sex thing, no. He kinda got that from the start. Hard to miss it really seeing as it’s sex. Involving himself. Yeah, he got that. No problem.
No, it’s the other thing. The thing he’s not sure what to call. That he didn’t get. Not right away anyway.
Thing is, it kinda crept up on him unaware, until suddenly it’s just there, a part of what they are without him even realizing they were headed that way. But when he finally does catch on he can’t help wondering if this is where Jensen’s been heading, all along. And maybe that does make Jared feel a little bit stupid.
See, something he did realize, from the moment they started this whole relationship thing, was that being with a guy is completely different than being with a girl. And he’s not even talking about the no-boobs/big-dick part and all the other things that make it obvious that a guy is definitely not a girl.
Except in a way maybe he is.
To tell the truth, physically, everything is different. Where Sandy was all soft and curvy, Jensen’s hard muscle and ridges. Her skin was soft but Jensen’s is smooth and no, it’s not the same thing no matter what the dictionary says. Jensen’s hair is both shorter and coarser when Jared catches it in his fist and his fingers are strong and calloused when they dig into Jared’s biceps. Jensen’s face is roughened by stubble and he smells of cologne and sometimes faintly of make-up. And although Jensen has prettier lips and eyes than any girl Jared’s ever known, Sandy included, he’s so far from being feminine, that for Jared the shift from being straight-as-an-arrow to maybe-not-as-much, takes his breath away.
Literally, in fact, the first time Jensen kisses him. Knocks the air right out of Jared’s lungs until his head spins. Although technically that’s the wall connecting with Jared’s back when Jensen slams him into it; his lips that seconds earlier had been laughing at one of Jared’s lame jokes, now smashed against his, trying their best to devour him. By the time Jared’s brain and lungs have recovered enough to try and breathe in, Jensen slips a hand down the front of Jared’s pants and… Yeah, breathing is so overrated.
When Jensen finally lets go of Jared’s lips to mouth his way down the jaw and neck instead, Jared is so dizzy that if it wasn’t for the wall and Jensen’s fingers curled around his hip, he’d be swaying like a pole in the wind. His throat makes a raspy sound when he sucks in his first breath in what seems like hours.
“Jesus, Jen,” is all he manages to get out before strong fingers wrap around his dick, disabling all communication except for groans and whimpers for the next half hour. It’s not until he’s lying flat out on the floor, with his body still twitching in aftershock and Jensen’s labored breath brushing his stomach, that Jared tries again.
“That was…” he begins, but stops, because really, he has no idea what that was.
Jensen grunts an inaudible reply before turning his head to wipe the spit and come off his face on Jared’s t-shirt. “Beer?” he asks.
“Er… yeah. Sure.”
See? Nothing like being with a girl.
They fall into a rhythm, easy as that. Kisses in their trailers, hard and wet lips pressed together, teeth nibbling at the edge of a mouth. Groping under the tables at lunch, proving just how far you can go without getting caught. Jensen pushing Jared up against a hurriedly locked door before falling to his knees, sucking Jared’s brain out through his cock. Jared smashing Jensen face first into a wall, biting at his neck as he fucks him savagely, fingers twisted in Jen’s hair. Gasping “Yeah,” and “Like that,” and “Don’t stop, don’t fucking stop,” with members of their cast and crew only three feet and a thin wall away.
It’s not always like that though. Sometimes it’s late night lounging in front of the TV; Jensen’s fingers running through Jared’s hair, Jared sighing his content against Jensen’s stomach before tracing patterns across the soft skin with his tongue. Or it’s lazy morning kisses as tired hands slide over warm skin, lips murmuring encouragement and gasping softly as fingers find their way inside. Those times it’s almost torturously slow, quiet whispers of “C’mon” and “Yeah, right there” as each of them struggles to last the longest.
But most times? Most times it’s fierce. Hard and fast and desperate. And as much as the intensity had shocked Jared at first, it now turns him on like nothing else. It’s a revelation, a whole new world of lust and longing, like he’s never ever felt before. And he loves it.
To feel Jensen’s skin give way to his teeth as they leave temporary marks of ownership. To hear Jensen gasp as Jared grabs his hips just a little too tight, pressing his thumbs into the curve above Jensen’s hipbone. The way Jensen arches of the bed, fingernails clawing at the sheets when Jared fucks him with his fingers, driving them deep and hard and just this side of painful.
In fact Jared’s enjoying it so much, watching Jensen fall apart in front of his eyes because of his doings, that he doesn’t even notice that their roles have switched to the point that it’s always like this now. Jared wanting, demanding, taking, whatever he wants, however he wants. Jensen moaning and whimpering and honest to God begging for more, harder, faster, “Please, oh God yes, Jay, yes!”
That’s how it started, Jared later realizes. That’s when he should have caught on. But he’s slow, so painfully slow, so caught up in the thrill of it all that it never even occurs to him. The question is: would it have mattered? If he’d seen it then, when everything was still new and scary, would he have accepted it, taken it on with everything it entails? Or would he have run away? He doesn’t know.
One night the blushes of Jared’s fingerprints don’t fade from Jensen’s skin but turn into bruises that stand out like bright beacons. In the early morning Jared traces them with his tongue and whispers, “Yes, mine.” It makes Jensen stutter and come without Jared even touching his dick.
It only escalates from there. See, Jared loves it. Loves seeing the evidence of what they do, of what they are, projected bright and obvious on Jensen’s body. The crescent dents from his teeth on Jensen’s ass, the welts from his fingernails running down Jensen’s back.
‘I did that, those are mine. Mine, mine, mine,’ Jared thinks. It’s almost scary how good it makes him feel.
He pins Jensen’s wrists to the bed, high above his head, circling them easily with his long fingers.
“Fight me,” he whispers into Jensen’s ear and Jen sucks in his breath. He tries to buck Jared off him but Jared just laughs, pressing his hips into Jensen’s, holding him down with his weight.
“You can’t, can you? Jennyjenjen, how you like that? How you like being my little bitch?”
Jensen curses and struggles to free himself but they both know he’s trapped. He’s panting, his pupils black and wide, and he’s hard as a rock. He keeps fighting, writhing and bucking on the bed until they both come, skin on skin, bone on bone, cock against cock. Jared holds on to Jensen’s wrists until he goes lax and bows his head, eyes downcast.
“Yeah, I thought so,” Jared says smugly, still panting. Jensen glances up, smiling, and Jared grins back. “Bitch.”
“Jerk,” Jensen says and yawns. He falls asleep with his hands still resting above his head, leaving it to Jared to clean up the mess. It’s okay, he doesn’t mind.
A dark night in November, Jared is fucking Jensen on their bed when Jen grabs his wrist and guides his hand up to his own throat, a nervous Adam’s apple jumping against Jared’s palm. Jared wraps his long fingers around that slender neck, never even stopping to ask ‘Why’ or ‘Are you sure?’ He watches the black pupils explode in a sea of green as Jensen’s pretty face darkens, not letting go until the eyes roll back in Jen’s head, his fingers twitching on Jared’s thighs as he comes violently. For a second Jared feels a stab of fear, that maybe he’s gone too far, but the blissful look in Jensen’s eyes when he opens them, kills it instantly.
“God, that was… Fuck, Jay,” Jensen rasps weakly and Jared’s breath shudders. He comes with a hard thrust, his fingers still splayed across Jensen’s collarbone.
“Yeah,” he gasps. “Yeah. Jesus fuck.”
The next day Jen’s voice is raw and he keeps touching his throat, almost reverently, eyes seeking Jared whenever someone asks him if he’s alright.
“Yeah. I’m fine,” he says and smiles Dean’s cocky grin. “A little too much tequila last night.”
Jared puts on Sam’s exasperated bitch face as Dean drinks his coffee grumpily, dick twitching in his pants. To everyone else Dean will seem hung over but Jared knows it’s all him, his doing, and God, it feels good.
‘Mine, all mine.’
The words sing louder than ever in his head, heavy and delicious, and Jensen licks his lips in response to Jared’s heated gaze.
‘Yes,’ he says without uttering a single word. ‘All yours.’
Jared shivers.
One evening, eating Texas t-bone straight off the grill, Jensen raises the knife he’s been cutting his meat with, up to his face. Jared watches him run the sharp edge down his neck and across his collarbone, eyes staring intently into Jared’s, as his breathing grows shallow. Heart thundering, Jared snatches the knife out of Jensen’s hand and pushes him down on the floor.
He fucks Jensen hard enough that he skids across the kitchen tiles, the blunt side of the knife pressing red lines into the bruised skin at Jensen’s throat, alongside the pounding vein. Jensen stares up at him, pupils blown impossibly wide, lips moving in silent words that Jared can’t make out. When Jensen comes he arches his throat against the knife, fingers wrapped around Jared’s wrist.
“God, Jen,” Jared gasps and Jensen shivers as the knife slips away from his throat and falls with a clatter on the floor.
A thought flutters at the edge of Jared’s mind but he’s too tired to grasp it and he falls asleep wrapped around Jensen’s still shivering body. They wake up cold and aching an hour later and stumble into bed, kissing sleepily. Jared holds Jensen tight as he moves inside him, slow and sweet, kissing every bruise, licking each scratched welt on his skin. Jensen’s asleep again before Jared’s even pulled out.
‘I love you,’ he thinks and Jensen sighs in his sleep, eyes moving rapidly behind paper-thin eyelids.
That’s where Jared should at least have caught on. Never mind all the earlier clues. Slow, so slow.
But maybe it wasn’t just that. Maybe he just wasn’t ready. Maybe he needed time to understand. To let it sink in. Maybe…
Maybe he’s just making excuses for being the most clueless guy on the face of the earth.
It’s just another day, standing around and waiting for the lighting crew to adjust to the increasing darkness, as the clouds grow heavier above. A normal day, a Thursday like so many others, and Jared slides his hand under Jensen’s shirt, tracing the scratches on the skin with the tips of his fingers. He rubs his thumb over the bite marks as Jensen shivers and swallows a moan.
“If only they knew. If they knew what a bitch you are for me, Jen. God, I want to fuck you so hard. Make you feel me for a week,” he whispers through smiling lips, cloaking Jensen’s gasp with a laugh as he jerks back, pressing into Jared’s nails clawing at his bruises.
“You… I… Yes. God. Please, Jay. Please,” Jensen groans under his breath and it’s Jared’s turn to shiver because Jensen sounds so desperate, so starved, that Jared falters for a moment.
“That what you want? Want me to fuck you so goddamn hard you can’t stand straight?” He means for it to sound teasing but instead it comes out guttural and raw.
“Yes.” Jensen drops his head, whispering, “Yes. Please.”
When Kim finally tells them it’s a wrap, they’re tired and cold and desperately in need of a shower, but that still doesn’t stop Jared from throwing Jensen down on the small couch in his trailer the minute he’s locked the door behind them. He fucks Jensen with Dean’s pants still around his ankles, the shirt and tee dragged up and twisted over Jensen’s head and arms so he can’t move, can hardly even breathe. The scratches on his back feel hot and rough under Jared’s tongue when he licks them, tasting traces of iron under the sweat.
“This what you wanted? Feel. This. Fucking feel it?”
Jensen’s reply is muffled by the clothes entrapping him, but the way he clenches around Jared’s cock and comes with a violent buck is answer enough.
They share a cab home and Jensen’s asleep with his head on Jared’s shoulder before they reach the highway. Jared redirects the driver to his apartment and when they get there he manhandles Jensen out of the car and into the building. By the time he’s unlocking the door to his apartment Jensen is blinking slowly awake, hands grabbing at Jared’s waist to keep steady.
“Tired.”
“I know. C’mon, Jen. Time for bed,” Jared coaxes and drags him into the bedroom. “Want to shower first?”
“Do I have to?” Jensen sighs, his lower lip jutting out in a pout as he eyes the bed longingly. “Fucking exhausted, man.”
“You’ll sleep better.”
“Liar.”
“Okay, I’ll sleep better. You stink, dude.”
“I don’t. I…” Jensen frowns then sighs again. “Ok, maybe I stink a little.”
“Uhuh.” Jared is already unbuttoning Jensen’s pants and pulling at his t-shirt. “Take these off, I’ll turn on the shower.”
“Yes, mom.”
“Shut up,” Jared laughs, feeling lightheaded with exhaustion.
He’s still smiling when he comes back out of the bathroom, half expecting to find Jensen curled up sleeping on the bed. The smile drops like a stone when he sees a naked Jensen standing with his back turned, cracking his neck and rubbing his bad shoulder with the heel of his hand.
His back is a canvas of colors, the bruises on his skin standing out harsh and violent in the bright light of the bedroom.
‘I did that,’ Jared thinks weakly. ‘Mine.’
When he was growing up his momma kept telling him that he didn’t know his own strength, that he could snap a kitten’s neck without even trying. “You’re like a big puppy, JT. You gotta learn to hold back or you could hurt someone.” He didn’t believe her until he almost broke Meg’s wrist in a friendly wrestling match over the TV remote. Since then he’s always tried to be as gentle as he can with everyone. Until now…
He swallows and steps closer. “Hey.”
Jensen squints over his shoulder and smiles tiredly at him. He looks even more exhausted than Jared feels and that’s saying something. “You seen my glasses, man? I popped out the contacts and now I can’t see a damn thing.”
“Think you left them on your kitchen counter this morning. We’ll get them tomorrow,” Jared replies and walks over, nuzzling into Jensen’s neck. There’s a bruise on his shoulder that matches Jared’s lips and he kisses it gently. “I can be your guide?” he suggests, letting his hand slide down Jensen’s arm to his elbow.
“There’s a dog joke in there somewhere but damn if I can think of it.” Jensen rubs his eyes and yawns. “Yeah, okay. Jesus, I’m beat. Shower?”
“This way.”
Jensen’s familiar enough with Jared’s apartment to know his way around blindfolded but he still allows Jared to lead him out of the bedroom and across the hall into the bathroom. He doesn’t even bitch when Jared accidentally lets him walk into the doorframe, just murmurs, “Ow,” and rubs his arm as the skin starts to blush. That makes another bruise on Jared’s conscience.
“Sorry.”
“Don’t worry about it.”
Jared brushes his teeth while Jensen showers, and then they switch places. By the time Jared has finally finished cleaning the sweat and grime off his skin, Jensen is half-asleep, sitting slumped on the closed toilet seat with his hands dangling between his knees. Jared steers him by the shoulders back into the bedroom and pushes him gently down on the bed. He’s out cold before Jared has time to pull the covers over them. The last thing he sees before closing his eyes is the rainbow of colors on Jensen’s skin, turned dark and menacing in the pale silver moonlight.
-------
Jared wakes up to Jensen’s ass rubbing against his morning wood. He smiles sleepily and breathes into Jen’s neck. His hair is damp with sweat and he smells like sleep and Jared’s shampoo. Jared lets his hand slide over from Jensen’s hip and splays his fingers across the flat stomach. The soft down of hairs are like a promise under his fingertips but he feels content to just brush over them for now. He places a kiss on Jensen’s ear, murmuring, “Too early, man,” his eyes already closing again. They have two days off and there’s plenty of time for it all later.
Jensen doesn’t answer, just covers Jared’s hand on his stomach with his own and determinedly guides it down until it’s covering his cock, precome sticking to Jared’s palm. Jared chuckles softly and closes his finger around the warm flesh, his strokes teasingly slow and light.
“Jen, you…”
His laughter stops when Jensen’s hand covers his again, squeezing hard enough that he can feel the pulsing veins in Jensen’s cock stutter against his fingers as the circulation is cut off.
“Harder. Please.”
Jensen’s voice is hoarse and again Jared can detect a hint of desperation in it that has his breath hitching. He raises himself up on his elbow, trying to catch Jen’s eyes but they’re closed tight, his nostrils flaring. “Jen?”
“I can’t…” Jensen shakes his head and pushes back. Jared’s cock slides in between his cheeks, precome making it slippery enough that when it reaches the entrance it presses eagerly against it, wanting in. “Fuck,” Jensen whimpers and pushes back even further.
“Jen, wait. C’mon, man. We need…”
Jared tries to pull away but it’s too late, he’s already breeching and with a groan he’s inside. It’s hot and too dry, the friction almost painful, and Jared freezes, terrified of hurting him. “Shit, Jen. No.”
“Please, Jay. It’s okay.” Jensen arches his back, shuddering as Jared’s cock slides even deeper. “Just… Just do it.”
Desperation again, mingled with what almost sounds like fear, and Jared grabs Jensen’s hip, forcing him to stop.
“I’ll hurt you. No. Just let me get the lube, okay?”
Jensen stills and then he nods. “Yeah. Okay.”
His voice is flat and, when Jared carefully pulls out, a quiet intake of breath is Jensen’s only reaction. Heart thundering in his chest Jared rolls over, reaching inside the bedside drawer for the slick.
They’ve stopped using condoms unless they’re on set, where it’s more about staying clean than anything else. They hadn’t really talked about it, Jared had just found the all-clear report from Jensen’s doctor lying on his kitchen table one morning and a couple of weeks later he left his own in the same place. That night they fucked on the floor in front of the TV, using only spit and precome for lubrication. It was the dirtiest fuck of Jared’s life and watching Jensen walking gingerly on set the next couple of days made him so hard he thought he’d burst.
He could do it that way now. Let Jensen suck his fingers wet, or even just his cock, and then drive into him, fast and hard. That is after all what he’s asking for. Jared hesitates, but the taste of Jensen’s bruises are for once like acid on his tongue and the thought of hurting him, even if he’s begging for it, makes Jared’s stomach twist.
He slicks up his fingers generously then slides one slowly in. Jensen huffs in what almost seems like annoyance.
“C’mon, Jay. Just get your goddamn dick in there.”
“Jen? Shut up.”
He adds another finger, letting them slide in and out a few times before curling them slowly. The low gasp makes him smile and he does it over and over again until Jensen is writhing on the bed, whimpering low curses under his breath.
“Jay, fuck. C’mon!”
“We’re going to take it slow, Jen, so just shut up and let me do this, okay?”
“Fuck slow,” Jensen growls and then gasps as Jared pulls out his fingers and pushes his cock inside. “Yeah. Like that.”
“Like what?” Jared teases.
Jensen stills. “I want… I want to feel it, Jare. C’mon. Just…” Jensen turns his head, the pillow muffling his words at the last moment but Jared hears enough to grasp them anyway and he sucks in his breath.
“Jen?”
Jensen shakes his head, face still thrust into the pillow, so hard that he must have trouble breathing. He’s trembling, fingers clawing at the sheets. “Please,” he mumbles.
‘Hurt me,’ echoes in Jared’s head.
“I…” Jared falters. Isn’t that what he’s been doing anyway? Hurting him. But… “No.”
Jensen trembles even harder and then he’s pushing back, hard and desperate. “Please,” he begs, turning his head to breathe, his eyes closed tight. There’s a pained expression on his face, like Jared’s refusal is hurting him more than what he’s asking for and something finally clicks in place in Jared’s head. Oh.
Later he tells Jen the reason he didn’t freak out was that he was too close to coming to even consider it. It’s not true. He didn’t freak out because by then he was addicted to the rush, to the feeling of power and the weight of its responsibility. He just hadn’t realized it until that very moment.
He kisses Jensen’s shoulder, his ear, his cheek, fucking him slowly and more gently than he’s ever done before. “No. No, I won’t. We’re doing it like this.”
“Fuck, Jay. Fuck you! Why…?” Jensen’s almost sobbing by now. “C’mon. I want it. Please!”
“I know. I get it.”
And he does. It’s suddenly so clear, what Jensen’s been doing, where he’s most likely been guiding Jared ever since they started this.
But just because they’re finally there, it doesn’t mean Jensen gets to decide how they do this.
“I’m going to take care of you,” Jared says gently, kissing the pounding vein at Jensen’s temple.
Jensen shakes his head and swallows in frustration. “That’s not-”
“I’m going to take care of you,” Jared insists, “but we’re playing by my rules.”
Jensen stills and then his eyes blink slowly open. He turns his head and Jared watches the shame and desperation in his eyes slowly make way for cautious hope. “You… Jay…?”
“Yeah. It’s okay.” His fingers curl around Jensen’s cock, squeezing it. “I’ll give you what you need, Jen.”
He scrapes his teeth over Jensen’s earlobe, biting down hard when Jensen gasps in anticipation. Then he licks over the blushing mark and whispers, “I’ll mark you and I’ll bruise you and I’ll fuck you so hard you’ll see stars, but I will never ever hurt you, Jen. I promise.”
Jensen starts shaking, his breathing a relieved staccato, and Jared wraps his arms tight around him as he fucks him slow and deep, murmuring, “Let it out, it’s okay, it’s okay.”
He’s at it for over an hour, making Jensen come over and over again until he’s worn-out and whimpering, tenderly curling in on himself. All through Jared never relents, just varies the speed and force, from slow and sweet to brutally hard, and he has to pause a few times when he gets too close to the edge himself, breathing deeply until he gets it under control, before continuing.
When he at last allows himself to come it’s with such force that he bites into Jensen’s shoulder to keep from screaming, but Jensen’s too wiped out to even notice. His whole body is slick with sweat and he’s shaking, his voice hoarse and weak as he whispers, “I’m sorry” and “Thank you” and “Jayjayjay.” Jared holds on to him, murmuring, “It’s okay” and “Sshh, I know” and “Love you, I love you. God, Jen, I love you so much.”
When Jensen finally goes slack, his breathing slowing down until it’s so quiet Jared can hardly hear it above his own thundering heartbeat, Jared pulls away and gets out of bed, then walks to the bathroom on shaky legs. He washes his hands and his cock in the sink then wets a towel to clean Jensen up. At the last moment he looks up, facing himself in the mirror. He’s not sure what he expected to see but it’s just him, Jared, staring back. Flushed and shiny with sweat, pupils dilated and lips puffy, but still him. He doesn’t look evil; he doesn’t look like the kind of man that would enjoy making another man cry, even if he’s begging for it. Especially if he begs for it. And still…
Jared turns off the light above the mirror and returns to the bedroom. Jensen is fast asleep on his stomach, one hand resting on his pillow, fingers loosely curled into a fist. His eyelashes are still wet although his face is dry and he looks more peaceful than Jared ever remembers seeing him. Jared sits down on the bed beside him and gently washes dried come and remnants of lube off Jensen’s skin, cleaning his stomach and thighs, buttocks and genitals, rolling him this way and that to reach every spot. Jensen doesn’t stir, just sighs and sleeps on. The bruises and marks on his skin stand out in the early morning light and Jared kisses every one of them. Some faded, others fresh and still unfolding like blossoms.
Jared sees them now for what they are, better than ever before. Not just marks of ownership or evidence of what they’ve done. That bite mark says, “I’ve got you.” The hickey beside it says, “I understand.” The red lines from fingernails scraping over skin say, “I love you. The funny you, the smart you and, yes, the needy you. This doesn’t change anything.”
The wet patches from his gentle kisses say, “You are not weak. You are not wrong or sick or pathetic. You’re the strongest person I know, the best person. And if anything this only makes me love you more.”
He may be slow but now he’s here, he’s not going anywhere.
This won’t be all they are, Jared doubts that Jensen wants that and he knows he himself couldn’t handle it. He needs the other, more ‘normal’ part of their relationship, just as much as Jensen needs this. Now more than ever.
Before, those rare occasions of gentleness were like the quiet center of their otherwise stormy sex life. Something to be treasured, to be kept safe and sheltered. It’s different now. Now this is what’s precious, this is what Jared needs to guard, because it’s as fragile as glass and as sacred as any secret shared can be.
They’ll find a balance; he doesn’t doubt that for a minute. Just knowing Jensen trusted him enough to ask him for this, something he suspects not many people, if any, have been privileged to, is enough to make him feel confident about whatever is to come.
Outside people are starting their day. Coffee is being brewed, cars starting with a rumble, children running to catch the bus to school. It’s just another day in Vancouver and Jared smiles as he slips under the covers, curling protectively around Jensen’s sleeping body. When Jensen wakes up they’ll shower and get dressed and then Jared’s taking him out for breakfast after they pick up his glasses.
Just another day like any other. Just another day.
fin