Fic: Crimson Moon. PG-13. Spike, Xander
I wasn't going to post any fic until I had answered feedback to the last three stories, or so I promised myself. Well, it took me three days to reply to comments to Some Girls Are Bigger Than Others. (I told you I was slow.) I did the replies to Sweet Dreams Are Made OF This today and the plan is to do the ones to A Moment of Normalcy (In Our Life Of Chaos) next.
But hellziggy has been waiting for me to finish this thing since January and I think this is it, it won't get any better. I really wanted to turn it into something more and maybe I still can, further down the road, but as it is now? I guess we can call it "a prelude to a Spander."
Title: Crimson Moon
Author: felisblanco
Characters: Spike, Xander + the rest of the gang
Rating: PG-13 for foul language and... stuff.
Word Count: ca. 3200 words
Summary: The Summers residence has been overtaken by females. Slayers, Potentials, Witches, Ex-Keys and Ex-Demons. Really, a guy can only take so much. A vampire even less.
Author's Note: Written for hellziggy for being the sweetest thing on earth and giving me Supernatural Season 1 on DVD. *crushes her to bosom* The idea of this came about while commenting with evilmaniclaugh about certain woman... stuff. That should be warning enough, really.
[ETA. It's not gross or anything, honestly. I swear. Come back! Hello? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?]
Xander was happily arguing with Anya - which frankly was all they seemed to do since she reluctantly joined the Scoobies again - when Buffy came stalking into the kitchen and thrust the mug with Spike’s disgusting blood into his hands.
“Can you take this down to him?”
At Xander’s horrified look she sighed and shrugged. “Not my idea. He asked for you.”
Now that was just too strange for words. “Spike? Asked for me? Wait… for dinner?” he added suspiciously. His neck started to itch.
She rolled her eyes and hopped up on the kitchen counter, swinging her legs. “Actually it was more of a ‘Can’t you bloody women stay away from me?’ and then he started rambling on about Giles hating him and Andrew being ‘a bloody twat’ and when I told him that only left you he rolled his eyes and said ‘Christ! No wonder you’re all dysfunctional without a single proper man in the house.’ At which point I threatened to punch him, because hello! Not dysfunctional! But instead of getting in my face he just muttered something about ‘Every single month’ and became all quiet and broody, kinda like Angel, so now I’m worried.”
She sucked in her breath and frowned before adding. “I’m not sure the world can take another brooding vampire.”
He eyed the blood then raised his eyebrows at her. “You’re not exactly winning me over here.”
She opened her mouth but at the last minute hesitated and then looked down. “Please? I’m not sure what’s up with him but he’s chained up so it’s not like he can hurt you.”
She tugged at her hair, twirling a lock between her fingers, lips set in that twisted pout that always got to him. If she hadn’t looked so worried he’d suspect she was doing it on purpose. “Xander… Please?”
“Hey, you always had a thing for chains…” Anya contributed with a forlorn sigh.
“Shut up, Anya,” Xander shot back with a slight blush, ignoring the horrified look on Buffy’s face. Was there a single thing about their love life Anya hadn’t revealed to whoever was unfortunate enough to be listening? Well, there was that strap-on… Blushing even further he turned his back on his pouting ex-girlfriend-almost-wife and focused on the thing at hand.
“I’m still not seeing why it has to be me,” he said in a voice that even he would have called whining. “Can’t Faith…?”
“Didn’t you hear the part about him hating the whole female population and not wanting any of us near him?” Buffy frowned. “Of course Faith has more than her fair share of testosterone…”
Xander shook his head. “Oh no. Believe me, when I say she’s got balls, and does she ever, I’m not talking physical ones. That one is definitely a woman.”
“Oh God, not the “How I lost my virginity” story again.” Anya rolled her eyes in annoyance. “If I have to hear one more time how she rode you like a bull-”
“Anya!”
This time it was in unison and Anya glared at both of them. “Fine! I’m going!”
The door slammed loudly behind her, leaving Xander and Buffy looking at everything but each other. Finally Buffy cleared her throat and said, “Anyway… I’ve got enough on my plate without having to deal with a misogynist vampire. Please? Maybe he’ll talk to you. Tell you what’s wrong.”
“Yes, but see, he hates me too. And I hate him. It’s a hate-hate relationship. Doesn’t leave much room for bonding which is why we like to keep it that way.”
“Xander.”
He sighed and grabbed the mug. “Fine. But if he eats me I’m so blaming you.”
Which brought him here, standing outside the door to the basement, listening for any signs of vampire gone bad. Or mad. Whichever.
He wasn’t really worried about Spike eating him. Not that he wasn’t edible, in fact Anya had repeatedly told him he tasted quite delicious. It was just…
It was true what he’d told Buffy. He hated Spike with all his heart. But more importantly, he wanted to keep it that way. Except… In the state Spike had been in these last few months it was getting more and more difficult to stay angry and not feel… Well, Spike would hate the word pity, so he'd go with that. He was starting to feel pity for the man, vampire, whatever. Bordering on compassion. And damn it, he didn’t want to.
“My blood’s getting cold, mate! How about bringing it down here before it starts congealing?”
Vampires. Rude and pushy and had too damn good of a hearing.
“Yeah, yeah.” Xander opened the door and started descending the stairs, making sure not to spill any of the blood.
“Close the bloody door!”
“Hey! I’m not your maid, mister-“
“Please.”
Taken aback, Xander stopped halfway down. “What?”
“Please. Can you just… Please?”
He couldn’t remember Spike ever using the word ‘please’ in all the years he’d known him. Not like that anyway, all desperate and pleading. More of an “Oh please!” and then followed by a rant about how they were all idiots and deserved nothing better than to be eaten by the next vampire that came along, preferably himself. This 'please'? Sounded nothing like that. Huh. Bewildered Xander turned and walked back up, closing the door firmly before continuing down.
“If this is some sort of game I’m not-“
He stopped. Spike was sitting on the small cot, elbows on his knees, head resting in his hands. The chains rattled as a small tremble ran through his body.
“Are you ok? Because I’m not coming near you if you’re going crazy again.”
“Don’t worry.” Spike’s voice was shaky and when he looked up Xander saw the last glint of yellow disappear from his eyes. “For once it’s not you driving me bloody bonkers.” He straightened up, breathing deeply, and then leaned back against the wall, licking his lips. “Brought me dinner, did you?”
“As requested.” Xander walked over and handed him the mug, grimacing when Spike grabbed it with both hands and started gulping it down. “Hey, go easy there. Not like you’re…” He paused, frowning. “You’ve been getting plenty, right? Not going starve crazy, right?” He took one extra step back, just in case.
Spike glanced up at him. “Know how many pints there are in one human, pet? A lot more than this.”
The thought made him squirm. “Eurgh. So why don’t you ask for more?”
Spike dismissed that with a wave of his hand. “Been living on far less than this the last few years. Besides, blood costs money. The Slayer’s not too well off at the moment.”
“True. Those girls eat a lot,” Xander said solemnly then glanced around, taking in the state of the small room, which frankly was way worse than his own basement lair had ever been. “Gotta tell you, I love what you’ve done with the place.”
Spike snorted, a sarcastic smirk tugging at his lips. “I’m waiting to be interviewed by House & Garden any day now. Put on my nicest accessories and everything.”
He rattled the chains and the sound made Xander’s stomach turn despite himself. Damn. Remember the hate, Xander. Never forget the hate. Coolly he nodded and sat down on the lowest step, watching Spike sip the blood, more slowly now.
After a few minutes silence he couldn’t keep quiet anymore and said, “So why didn’t you want Buffy down here? I thought you were BFFs now.”
Spike looked up, frowning. He had a bloody mustache on his upper lip that he licked off when he caught Xander’s grimace. “Be-what?”
“BFF. Best Friends Forever.” At Spike’s bemused look Xander sighed and shook his head. “You gotta keep up with the young people’s lingo, Spike. Can’t let those hundred odd years catch up on you.”
Spike just looked at him with those blue eyes until he started to feel uncomfortable and shifted on the step. His ass was getting numb. He should have brought a pillow. “Whatever. Just wondering why you wanted me here. You’re messing up our whole hate thing. So what’s up?”
Spike averted his eyes and if it hadn’t been for the fact that he was a vampire and didn’t really have a blood circulation Xander would have sworn he was blushing.
“Nothing. Not your bloody business anyway.”
“Ok. Sure. Whatever.” Xander rolled his eyes and stood up. “I’ll send one of the girls down to fetch the mug later.”
“No!” Spike glanced up the stairs then back down at his mug before meeting Xander’s eyes. “I can’t bloody stand it. It was bad enough when it was just Buffy and the Niblet. But now there’s dozens of them. And after a while they all…”
He stopped and looked away, clenching his jaw and Xander frowned in confusion. “What? They all what?”
“They synchronize, alright? They… All of them. Every fucking month. It’s like living in a bloody slaughterhouse.” He pulled up his knees and pressed them into his eyesockets. “Do you have any idea how hard it is to just keep my face straight?”
Xander watched in bewilderment as Spike’s forehead rippled briefly before smoothing out again. Oookaaay. Freaky. “I don’t get it. What are you talking about?”
“What the hell do you think I’m talking about?” Spike hissed in frustration. “Blood, you idiot. It’s always about blood, innit?”
Xander blinked. Then a light bulb clicked on in his brain and his face went bright red with embarrassment. “Oh.”
“Yeah. Oh.” Spike glared at him. “Now you get why I can’t have them down here? Not when they’re-”
“Ok, ok. I get it. And for the record? Eeww!”
“You're telling me.”
Xander sat down on the step again, watching as Spike drained the rest of the blood, hands again shaking slightly. “Seriously, all of them? At the same time?”
Spike sighed. “It’s a biological fact, that after a while of living in close quarters, women synchronize their menstruation. I thought everyone knew that.”
Xander lifted his hands in protest. “Ok, first? Don’t ever say that word again. The M-word. No real man uses that word unless he’s a gynecologists or… No, just them. Second, why would any guy know that?”
“I keep forgetting you’re a suppressed American. Prudes the lot of you. “ Spike shook his head in disgust. “I bet you’ve never even seen another man’s penis.”
Xander jerked back, eyes widening. “Whoa! Why are we talking about penises? There should be no talking about penises!”
Spike smirked. “You just proved my point.”
“Shut up. That’s not… And for the record, I have seen another man’s… parts. Not that I was looking, it was just there and when there’s a pe-pe- part in the room it’s hard not to see it, which was why I did. See it, that is. But not looking at it. Ok?”
“Xander?”
“Yeah?”
“Breathe.”
“Ok.”
Xander gulped in air as Spike watched him speculatively. When the trademark head-tilt came Xander knew he was in trouble but before he could stand up and flee upstairs Spike raised an eyebrow and smiled.
“So… Having issues with your pecker then?”
“What? No!”
Spike ignored him. “Because if you ask me there’s nothing wrong with seeing another man’s cock. Or touching it. Or-“
“Please don’t finish that sentence.”
“…tasting it,” Spike concluded with a grin.
“And you finished it. That’s just… God.” Xander groaned and dropped his head in his hands. “Why am I down here again?”
“Because you’re not a menstruating little girl.” Spike shrugged. “Well, you’re not menstruating.”
“Didn’t we talk about the M-word and how it should never be used by a non-female? Ever! And I’m not a girl!” he added quickly when Spike smirked at him. “Here I am, being nice to you and bringing you dinner and you insist on talking about…”
“Sex?”
“Man parts and woman functions and…” He swallowed. “Tasting stuff.”
“Only if you swallow. Which, if you ask me, is the only polite way to handle it.”
“I didn’t ask you!” His voice was getting shrill. He needed to get out of here. Right now.
“Tsk, tsk, Xander. You have got to get over your homophobia. What would Willow say?”
“I’m not…” He clenched his jaw. “I’m not homophobic, I’m just not comfortable discussing… things, with you.”
Spike bit down a grin and then slowly put away the mug on the floor before leaning against the wall, legs obscenely spread. How come he couldn’t ever sit like normal people, Xander thought and pressed his own thighs tight together, demonstrating the proper way of sitting when alone in a room with another male, talking about pe- parts.
“Who else are you gonna discuss these things with? The Watcher?”
Xander blushed at the thought. Yeah, that would go down great. ‘What’s up, G-man? Well, apart from my dick. What say we talk about that?’ Giles really couldn’t afford breaking any more glasses.
“Who says there’s anything to discuss? There’s nothing to discuss!” How the hell did they go from girls’… ‘problems’ to his personal sexlife? “Can we just drop it?”
“You really want to, pet?” Spike tilted his head and pursed his lips. “Here we are, two healthy blokes living in a house filled with bloody women. Which wouldn’t be so bad except they’re all off limits, eh? Meaning that if either of us go near them the Slayer’d stake me and probably… what, frown at you? Take away your snacks?” He ignored Xander’s scowl. “My point is, you didn’t exactly do too well with your only female conquest. Maybe it’ s time you look in other directions.”
“Hey, I had more than one ‘conquest’. There was Cordelia…”
“Who you never shagged.”
Xander ignored him. “And Faith....”
“Who shagged you and then threw you out on your scrawny arse.” At Xander’s shocked look Spike smirked. “Quite the story teller, our Faith.”
“Shut up.” He could feel himself blushing again. Damn. “Who are you to talk anyway? You kept to one woman for a hundred years. An insane one at that.”
Spike growled. “Watch it, whelp. And just ‘cause me and Dru were together for over a century that doesn’t mean she was all I had.”
“Oh, I forgot about all the vampire orgies,” Xander scoffed and then froze as Spike only raised an eyebrow at him. “No. Nonono. Don’t… Really? You had orgies? Please don’t tell me you had orgies.”
Spike shrugged. “I don’t know about orgies but there were times when we were more than two in bed, yeah.”
“So… Darla?”
“She was a whore, you know, before she was turned.” Spike smiled in reminiscence. “The things she could do… It would have blown your mind.”
“Huh.” Xander blinked, trying to keep the images at bay. “So the three of you…”
“Four.”
“Four?” Hello! “Angel did… with you?” And why did that make his stomach flip-flop?
“More to me than with me, but yeah. He was quite the shirtlifter. Angelus, that is. Turned his share of pretty boys just to have something to play with.” Spike’s eyes went dark for a moment. “Not that they lived long once he got bored with them. If it hadn’t been for Dru, I’d probably…” He went quiet, staring down at his hands.
Xander felt that sting of pity again and pushed it away. “I think I’m gonna go now.” He didn’t move though. “Not really interested in your sex-capades, Spike.”
“Of course not,” Spike chuckled, the dark look fading away to Xander’s relief. “So tell me, whose dick are you having issues with beside your own?”
“I’m not having issues with my…” Spike smiled indulgently. “I’m not! I’m…” Xander stopped and bit his lip, dropping his eyes. “I’ve just been wondering, that’s all.”
He glanced up at Spike who was watching him with a slightly surprised look, as if he’d never expected Xander to give in. “Alright. I’ll bite. Or not,” he added with a pout. “What you been wondering about then?”
“It’s just… I’ve not exactly had the best of luck with girls. Either they try to eat me or kill me or…”
“You leave them at the altar.”
He scowled. “Thank you for bringing that up. But yes.”
“So let me get this straight. You’re turning gay because you’ve had bad luck with women?”
Xander raised his hands. “Whoa! Who said anything about turning gay? I never said I was turning gay! I just said…” He swallowed. “I could be bi? I mean, that would help. Broaden my horizon, up my chances.”
Spike smiled and shook his head. “Pet, I think you need a better reason than that. Like actually wanting cock. That would help. So do you?”
“I don’t know.” God, why was he telling Spike this? It would probably be common news tomorrow. Or Spike could keep it as blackmail material forever. “Maybe.”
Spike pursed his lips and nodded thoughtfully. “Right. That’s something. Have you done anything? Snogging is a good start.”
“No, no sno… kissing. Or anything. Not yet.” Shut up. Please just stop talking.
“Do you want to?”
Xander’s head snapped up and he stared at Spike. “What, now?”
Spike licked his lips and the sight went straight to Xander’s cock. Oh… damn.
“I can brush my teeth first if you’d like.”
“Ok, now I’m going.” He stood up, snatching the mug quickly before turning away and hurrying up the stairs. A cold shower would be great right about now.
“Oy, wait! You’re coming back later, yeah?”
Xander stopped, the worry in Spike’s voice evident. “Yeah. I’ll be back.” He took a couple of more steps then paused. “Maybe I’ll bring you some mints.”
Spike’s chuckle followed him all the way up and into the kitchen.
Buffy looked up from the pile of bills she had splayed out on the table in front of her. “So… what did he say? What’s wrong with him?”
“Don’t worry, it’ll blow over in a few days.” He rinsed the mug in the sink and put it in the dishwasher. “If you like I’ll take care of feeding him until then.”
He shrugged at the surprised look Buffy sent him. “It’s no big deal.” He turned and opened up the upper cabinet. “Hey, do we have any mints? Or maybe gum?” he added thoughtfully. That could work. Unless it got stuck in Spike's fangs...
“No, but if you’re going to the drugstore…”
Eyes widening Xander swung around, hands raised in protest. “No. No way. I’m not buying you women’s… stuff. I’m a man. Men don’t buy… that.”
“What?” She stared at him. “I was talking about toothpaste.”
“Oh. Yeah, sure.” He blushed and hurried to fetch his jacket.
“But now that you mention it…”
“Sorry, Buff. Can’t hear you. Bye.”
She was left staring at the closed door. Then her brow knitted in a frown and she glanced toward the hall in direction of the basement. Suddenly her eyes went wide and her face deep red. Just then a flock of Potentials came bursting in, chatting and laughing loudly and her eyes widened even further. Oh.
“Yo, B. What’s up?” Faith punched her lightly on the arm and then headed for the basement door. “Just gonna have a talk with the white-haired wonderboy.”
“Erm… Faith. You might want to keep away from there. The next few days anyway.”
Faith turned around, frowning. “Why? Is something wrong with him?”
“No, but…” Buffy took Faith by the arm and directed her to the kitchen. “You know, mom once told me this thing about nuns…”
fin
*blushes* I'm so sorry. *hides*
But hellziggy has been waiting for me to finish this thing since January and I think this is it, it won't get any better. I really wanted to turn it into something more and maybe I still can, further down the road, but as it is now? I guess we can call it "a prelude to a Spander."
Title: Crimson Moon
Author: felisblanco
Characters: Spike, Xander + the rest of the gang
Rating: PG-13 for foul language and... stuff.
Word Count: ca. 3200 words
Summary: The Summers residence has been overtaken by females. Slayers, Potentials, Witches, Ex-Keys and Ex-Demons. Really, a guy can only take so much. A vampire even less.
Author's Note: Written for hellziggy for being the sweetest thing on earth and giving me Supernatural Season 1 on DVD. *crushes her to bosom* The idea of this came about while commenting with evilmaniclaugh about certain woman... stuff. That should be warning enough, really.
[ETA. It's not gross or anything, honestly. I swear. Come back! Hello? Anyone? Anyone? Bueller?]
Xander was happily arguing with Anya - which frankly was all they seemed to do since she reluctantly joined the Scoobies again - when Buffy came stalking into the kitchen and thrust the mug with Spike’s disgusting blood into his hands.
“Can you take this down to him?”
At Xander’s horrified look she sighed and shrugged. “Not my idea. He asked for you.”
Now that was just too strange for words. “Spike? Asked for me? Wait… for dinner?” he added suspiciously. His neck started to itch.
She rolled her eyes and hopped up on the kitchen counter, swinging her legs. “Actually it was more of a ‘Can’t you bloody women stay away from me?’ and then he started rambling on about Giles hating him and Andrew being ‘a bloody twat’ and when I told him that only left you he rolled his eyes and said ‘Christ! No wonder you’re all dysfunctional without a single proper man in the house.’ At which point I threatened to punch him, because hello! Not dysfunctional! But instead of getting in my face he just muttered something about ‘Every single month’ and became all quiet and broody, kinda like Angel, so now I’m worried.”
She sucked in her breath and frowned before adding. “I’m not sure the world can take another brooding vampire.”
He eyed the blood then raised his eyebrows at her. “You’re not exactly winning me over here.”
She opened her mouth but at the last minute hesitated and then looked down. “Please? I’m not sure what’s up with him but he’s chained up so it’s not like he can hurt you.”
She tugged at her hair, twirling a lock between her fingers, lips set in that twisted pout that always got to him. If she hadn’t looked so worried he’d suspect she was doing it on purpose. “Xander… Please?”
“Hey, you always had a thing for chains…” Anya contributed with a forlorn sigh.
“Shut up, Anya,” Xander shot back with a slight blush, ignoring the horrified look on Buffy’s face. Was there a single thing about their love life Anya hadn’t revealed to whoever was unfortunate enough to be listening? Well, there was that strap-on… Blushing even further he turned his back on his pouting ex-girlfriend-almost-wife and focused on the thing at hand.
“I’m still not seeing why it has to be me,” he said in a voice that even he would have called whining. “Can’t Faith…?”
“Didn’t you hear the part about him hating the whole female population and not wanting any of us near him?” Buffy frowned. “Of course Faith has more than her fair share of testosterone…”
Xander shook his head. “Oh no. Believe me, when I say she’s got balls, and does she ever, I’m not talking physical ones. That one is definitely a woman.”
“Oh God, not the “How I lost my virginity” story again.” Anya rolled her eyes in annoyance. “If I have to hear one more time how she rode you like a bull-”
“Anya!”
This time it was in unison and Anya glared at both of them. “Fine! I’m going!”
The door slammed loudly behind her, leaving Xander and Buffy looking at everything but each other. Finally Buffy cleared her throat and said, “Anyway… I’ve got enough on my plate without having to deal with a misogynist vampire. Please? Maybe he’ll talk to you. Tell you what’s wrong.”
“Yes, but see, he hates me too. And I hate him. It’s a hate-hate relationship. Doesn’t leave much room for bonding which is why we like to keep it that way.”
“Xander.”
He sighed and grabbed the mug. “Fine. But if he eats me I’m so blaming you.”
Which brought him here, standing outside the door to the basement, listening for any signs of vampire gone bad. Or mad. Whichever.
He wasn’t really worried about Spike eating him. Not that he wasn’t edible, in fact Anya had repeatedly told him he tasted quite delicious. It was just…
It was true what he’d told Buffy. He hated Spike with all his heart. But more importantly, he wanted to keep it that way. Except… In the state Spike had been in these last few months it was getting more and more difficult to stay angry and not feel… Well, Spike would hate the word pity, so he'd go with that. He was starting to feel pity for the man, vampire, whatever. Bordering on compassion. And damn it, he didn’t want to.
“My blood’s getting cold, mate! How about bringing it down here before it starts congealing?”
Vampires. Rude and pushy and had too damn good of a hearing.
“Yeah, yeah.” Xander opened the door and started descending the stairs, making sure not to spill any of the blood.
“Close the bloody door!”
“Hey! I’m not your maid, mister-“
“Please.”
Taken aback, Xander stopped halfway down. “What?”
“Please. Can you just… Please?”
He couldn’t remember Spike ever using the word ‘please’ in all the years he’d known him. Not like that anyway, all desperate and pleading. More of an “Oh please!” and then followed by a rant about how they were all idiots and deserved nothing better than to be eaten by the next vampire that came along, preferably himself. This 'please'? Sounded nothing like that. Huh. Bewildered Xander turned and walked back up, closing the door firmly before continuing down.
“If this is some sort of game I’m not-“
He stopped. Spike was sitting on the small cot, elbows on his knees, head resting in his hands. The chains rattled as a small tremble ran through his body.
“Are you ok? Because I’m not coming near you if you’re going crazy again.”
“Don’t worry.” Spike’s voice was shaky and when he looked up Xander saw the last glint of yellow disappear from his eyes. “For once it’s not you driving me bloody bonkers.” He straightened up, breathing deeply, and then leaned back against the wall, licking his lips. “Brought me dinner, did you?”
“As requested.” Xander walked over and handed him the mug, grimacing when Spike grabbed it with both hands and started gulping it down. “Hey, go easy there. Not like you’re…” He paused, frowning. “You’ve been getting plenty, right? Not going starve crazy, right?” He took one extra step back, just in case.
Spike glanced up at him. “Know how many pints there are in one human, pet? A lot more than this.”
The thought made him squirm. “Eurgh. So why don’t you ask for more?”
Spike dismissed that with a wave of his hand. “Been living on far less than this the last few years. Besides, blood costs money. The Slayer’s not too well off at the moment.”
“True. Those girls eat a lot,” Xander said solemnly then glanced around, taking in the state of the small room, which frankly was way worse than his own basement lair had ever been. “Gotta tell you, I love what you’ve done with the place.”
Spike snorted, a sarcastic smirk tugging at his lips. “I’m waiting to be interviewed by House & Garden any day now. Put on my nicest accessories and everything.”
He rattled the chains and the sound made Xander’s stomach turn despite himself. Damn. Remember the hate, Xander. Never forget the hate. Coolly he nodded and sat down on the lowest step, watching Spike sip the blood, more slowly now.
After a few minutes silence he couldn’t keep quiet anymore and said, “So why didn’t you want Buffy down here? I thought you were BFFs now.”
Spike looked up, frowning. He had a bloody mustache on his upper lip that he licked off when he caught Xander’s grimace. “Be-what?”
“BFF. Best Friends Forever.” At Spike’s bemused look Xander sighed and shook his head. “You gotta keep up with the young people’s lingo, Spike. Can’t let those hundred odd years catch up on you.”
Spike just looked at him with those blue eyes until he started to feel uncomfortable and shifted on the step. His ass was getting numb. He should have brought a pillow. “Whatever. Just wondering why you wanted me here. You’re messing up our whole hate thing. So what’s up?”
Spike averted his eyes and if it hadn’t been for the fact that he was a vampire and didn’t really have a blood circulation Xander would have sworn he was blushing.
“Nothing. Not your bloody business anyway.”
“Ok. Sure. Whatever.” Xander rolled his eyes and stood up. “I’ll send one of the girls down to fetch the mug later.”
“No!” Spike glanced up the stairs then back down at his mug before meeting Xander’s eyes. “I can’t bloody stand it. It was bad enough when it was just Buffy and the Niblet. But now there’s dozens of them. And after a while they all…”
He stopped and looked away, clenching his jaw and Xander frowned in confusion. “What? They all what?”
“They synchronize, alright? They… All of them. Every fucking month. It’s like living in a bloody slaughterhouse.” He pulled up his knees and pressed them into his eyesockets. “Do you have any idea how hard it is to just keep my face straight?”
Xander watched in bewilderment as Spike’s forehead rippled briefly before smoothing out again. Oookaaay. Freaky. “I don’t get it. What are you talking about?”
“What the hell do you think I’m talking about?” Spike hissed in frustration. “Blood, you idiot. It’s always about blood, innit?”
Xander blinked. Then a light bulb clicked on in his brain and his face went bright red with embarrassment. “Oh.”
“Yeah. Oh.” Spike glared at him. “Now you get why I can’t have them down here? Not when they’re-”
“Ok, ok. I get it. And for the record? Eeww!”
“You're telling me.”
Xander sat down on the step again, watching as Spike drained the rest of the blood, hands again shaking slightly. “Seriously, all of them? At the same time?”
Spike sighed. “It’s a biological fact, that after a while of living in close quarters, women synchronize their menstruation. I thought everyone knew that.”
Xander lifted his hands in protest. “Ok, first? Don’t ever say that word again. The M-word. No real man uses that word unless he’s a gynecologists or… No, just them. Second, why would any guy know that?”
“I keep forgetting you’re a suppressed American. Prudes the lot of you. “ Spike shook his head in disgust. “I bet you’ve never even seen another man’s penis.”
Xander jerked back, eyes widening. “Whoa! Why are we talking about penises? There should be no talking about penises!”
Spike smirked. “You just proved my point.”
“Shut up. That’s not… And for the record, I have seen another man’s… parts. Not that I was looking, it was just there and when there’s a pe-pe- part in the room it’s hard not to see it, which was why I did. See it, that is. But not looking at it. Ok?”
“Xander?”
“Yeah?”
“Breathe.”
“Ok.”
Xander gulped in air as Spike watched him speculatively. When the trademark head-tilt came Xander knew he was in trouble but before he could stand up and flee upstairs Spike raised an eyebrow and smiled.
“So… Having issues with your pecker then?”
“What? No!”
Spike ignored him. “Because if you ask me there’s nothing wrong with seeing another man’s cock. Or touching it. Or-“
“Please don’t finish that sentence.”
“…tasting it,” Spike concluded with a grin.
“And you finished it. That’s just… God.” Xander groaned and dropped his head in his hands. “Why am I down here again?”
“Because you’re not a menstruating little girl.” Spike shrugged. “Well, you’re not menstruating.”
“Didn’t we talk about the M-word and how it should never be used by a non-female? Ever! And I’m not a girl!” he added quickly when Spike smirked at him. “Here I am, being nice to you and bringing you dinner and you insist on talking about…”
“Sex?”
“Man parts and woman functions and…” He swallowed. “Tasting stuff.”
“Only if you swallow. Which, if you ask me, is the only polite way to handle it.”
“I didn’t ask you!” His voice was getting shrill. He needed to get out of here. Right now.
“Tsk, tsk, Xander. You have got to get over your homophobia. What would Willow say?”
“I’m not…” He clenched his jaw. “I’m not homophobic, I’m just not comfortable discussing… things, with you.”
Spike bit down a grin and then slowly put away the mug on the floor before leaning against the wall, legs obscenely spread. How come he couldn’t ever sit like normal people, Xander thought and pressed his own thighs tight together, demonstrating the proper way of sitting when alone in a room with another male, talking about pe- parts.
“Who else are you gonna discuss these things with? The Watcher?”
Xander blushed at the thought. Yeah, that would go down great. ‘What’s up, G-man? Well, apart from my dick. What say we talk about that?’ Giles really couldn’t afford breaking any more glasses.
“Who says there’s anything to discuss? There’s nothing to discuss!” How the hell did they go from girls’… ‘problems’ to his personal sexlife? “Can we just drop it?”
“You really want to, pet?” Spike tilted his head and pursed his lips. “Here we are, two healthy blokes living in a house filled with bloody women. Which wouldn’t be so bad except they’re all off limits, eh? Meaning that if either of us go near them the Slayer’d stake me and probably… what, frown at you? Take away your snacks?” He ignored Xander’s scowl. “My point is, you didn’t exactly do too well with your only female conquest. Maybe it’ s time you look in other directions.”
“Hey, I had more than one ‘conquest’. There was Cordelia…”
“Who you never shagged.”
Xander ignored him. “And Faith....”
“Who shagged you and then threw you out on your scrawny arse.” At Xander’s shocked look Spike smirked. “Quite the story teller, our Faith.”
“Shut up.” He could feel himself blushing again. Damn. “Who are you to talk anyway? You kept to one woman for a hundred years. An insane one at that.”
Spike growled. “Watch it, whelp. And just ‘cause me and Dru were together for over a century that doesn’t mean she was all I had.”
“Oh, I forgot about all the vampire orgies,” Xander scoffed and then froze as Spike only raised an eyebrow at him. “No. Nonono. Don’t… Really? You had orgies? Please don’t tell me you had orgies.”
Spike shrugged. “I don’t know about orgies but there were times when we were more than two in bed, yeah.”
“So… Darla?”
“She was a whore, you know, before she was turned.” Spike smiled in reminiscence. “The things she could do… It would have blown your mind.”
“Huh.” Xander blinked, trying to keep the images at bay. “So the three of you…”
“Four.”
“Four?” Hello! “Angel did… with you?” And why did that make his stomach flip-flop?
“More to me than with me, but yeah. He was quite the shirtlifter. Angelus, that is. Turned his share of pretty boys just to have something to play with.” Spike’s eyes went dark for a moment. “Not that they lived long once he got bored with them. If it hadn’t been for Dru, I’d probably…” He went quiet, staring down at his hands.
Xander felt that sting of pity again and pushed it away. “I think I’m gonna go now.” He didn’t move though. “Not really interested in your sex-capades, Spike.”
“Of course not,” Spike chuckled, the dark look fading away to Xander’s relief. “So tell me, whose dick are you having issues with beside your own?”
“I’m not having issues with my…” Spike smiled indulgently. “I’m not! I’m…” Xander stopped and bit his lip, dropping his eyes. “I’ve just been wondering, that’s all.”
He glanced up at Spike who was watching him with a slightly surprised look, as if he’d never expected Xander to give in. “Alright. I’ll bite. Or not,” he added with a pout. “What you been wondering about then?”
“It’s just… I’ve not exactly had the best of luck with girls. Either they try to eat me or kill me or…”
“You leave them at the altar.”
He scowled. “Thank you for bringing that up. But yes.”
“So let me get this straight. You’re turning gay because you’ve had bad luck with women?”
Xander raised his hands. “Whoa! Who said anything about turning gay? I never said I was turning gay! I just said…” He swallowed. “I could be bi? I mean, that would help. Broaden my horizon, up my chances.”
Spike smiled and shook his head. “Pet, I think you need a better reason than that. Like actually wanting cock. That would help. So do you?”
“I don’t know.” God, why was he telling Spike this? It would probably be common news tomorrow. Or Spike could keep it as blackmail material forever. “Maybe.”
Spike pursed his lips and nodded thoughtfully. “Right. That’s something. Have you done anything? Snogging is a good start.”
“No, no sno… kissing. Or anything. Not yet.” Shut up. Please just stop talking.
“Do you want to?”
Xander’s head snapped up and he stared at Spike. “What, now?”
Spike licked his lips and the sight went straight to Xander’s cock. Oh… damn.
“I can brush my teeth first if you’d like.”
“Ok, now I’m going.” He stood up, snatching the mug quickly before turning away and hurrying up the stairs. A cold shower would be great right about now.
“Oy, wait! You’re coming back later, yeah?”
Xander stopped, the worry in Spike’s voice evident. “Yeah. I’ll be back.” He took a couple of more steps then paused. “Maybe I’ll bring you some mints.”
Spike’s chuckle followed him all the way up and into the kitchen.
Buffy looked up from the pile of bills she had splayed out on the table in front of her. “So… what did he say? What’s wrong with him?”
“Don’t worry, it’ll blow over in a few days.” He rinsed the mug in the sink and put it in the dishwasher. “If you like I’ll take care of feeding him until then.”
He shrugged at the surprised look Buffy sent him. “It’s no big deal.” He turned and opened up the upper cabinet. “Hey, do we have any mints? Or maybe gum?” he added thoughtfully. That could work. Unless it got stuck in Spike's fangs...
“No, but if you’re going to the drugstore…”
Eyes widening Xander swung around, hands raised in protest. “No. No way. I’m not buying you women’s… stuff. I’m a man. Men don’t buy… that.”
“What?” She stared at him. “I was talking about toothpaste.”
“Oh. Yeah, sure.” He blushed and hurried to fetch his jacket.
“But now that you mention it…”
“Sorry, Buff. Can’t hear you. Bye.”
She was left staring at the closed door. Then her brow knitted in a frown and she glanced toward the hall in direction of the basement. Suddenly her eyes went wide and her face deep red. Just then a flock of Potentials came bursting in, chatting and laughing loudly and her eyes widened even further. Oh.
“Yo, B. What’s up?” Faith punched her lightly on the arm and then headed for the basement door. “Just gonna have a talk with the white-haired wonderboy.”
“Erm… Faith. You might want to keep away from there. The next few days anyway.”
Faith turned around, frowning. “Why? Is something wrong with him?”
“No, but…” Buffy took Faith by the arm and directed her to the kitchen. “You know, mom once told me this thing about nuns…”
fin
*blushes* I'm so sorry. *hides*