Fic: The Puzzle (That Is Me). J2. PG-13 2/2

[felisblanco]

Continued from here

The phone rings late one Monday night in early May. Jared is half asleep in front of the TV, a bowl of popcorn on the floor, and a bottle of beer wedged between his thighs. He flips the phone open, eyes still on the screen, and sighs a bored, “Hello?”

“They want me to go to the Upfronts!” a voice yells into his ear. “I can’t go to the Upfronts! There are people there!”

Jared sits up, instantly awake. “Jensen?”

Jensen gasps into the phone. “People, and cameras, and interviewers and… people! People who want to talk to me! I can’t, I told them I can’t. I told them!”

Short, snappy sentences. Loud voice. Erratic breathing. Jared runs his fingers through his hair, thinking fast. After three weeks apart he’s getting a bit rusty, but it doesn’t take a genius to figure out Jensen is heading towards a major meltdown.

“Okay, okay, calm down. Are you alone?”

“Of course I’m alone! Danneel is still in fucking, fucking North-Carolina!” Jensen spits out. “I’m gonna fire her. She’s never here!”

“Dude, she’s on extended leave,” Jared reminds him. “She got the part, remember?”

“She’s supposed to be my fucking girlfriend! I pay her money!”

“Jensen. Breathe.”

Jensen breathes loudly into his ear. In-out, in-out. Finally: “I can’t do people, Jared. I can’t. They want me to wear a suit!”

Jared can’t help smiling. “Well, you would look great in a suit.”

“That’s not the point! I can’t breathe in suits. There’s a tie. A tie around my neck! I could choke!” He gasps again, like he’s imagining the tie strangling him.

“Okay, okay, no tie,” Jared says quickly. “You can just wear a shirt and a jacket. No tie.”

“No tie, no tie, no tie,” Jensen repeats under his breath, like he’s mulling it over. “That’s okay? I can do that?”

“It’s fine, I promise.” Jared frowns. “Hey, I thought you never went to these things? Don’t you have some kind of clause in your contract?”

He can practically hear Jensen flailing, gearing up for another rant. “Twice a year! I have to do something twice a year. Usually that means photo shoots. I don’t mind photo shoots. I’m very photogenic, and they don’t expect me to talk. This? I have to talk! Jared, I don’t want to talk!” His voice is getting shrill again, his breathing quickening.

“Well, you know what?” Jared says calmly. “I’ll be there right by your side the whole time. Keeping you in character.”

“Right by my side. Right by my side,” Jensen breathes into the phone.

“Yes. And if you don’t feel like talking, I’ll talk for the both of us. All you have to do is be there, maybe smile a little, and I’ll handle the rest. Okay?”

He can hear Jensen’s breathing gradually slowing down. “Okay. Okay.”

“Yeah? You alright now?”

“Yes. No. Better. I’m better. I’m never alright, don’t you know that?” He laughs, loud and hysterical, then just as quickly cuts himself off. “Sorry. Sorry.”

“It’s okay.” Jared rubs a hand over his face, yawning. “So, how have you been?”

“Bored. I finished reading all my books two days ago. Danneel’s not here. She’s never here!”

“Because you gave her leave,” Jared tells him again, smiling when Jensen just grumbles. “Hey, you’re in LA, right? Do you wanna come over?”

Jensen doesn’t answer.

“Jensen? Did you hear me?”

“Yes.”

“So, do you wanna come over?” Silence again. “Or I can come to your place,” he suggests casually.

There’s a rush of air, like Jensen had been holding his breath. “Okay. I have beer. You like beer.”

Jared grins. “You know me so well. Where you at?” He scribbles down Jensen’s address as he rattles it off in a rush.

“You can’t tell anyone,” Jensen adds. “I don’t like strangers knowing where I live.”

“I won’t,” Jared promises. “I’ll be there in fifteen minutes.”

“Fifteen minutes,” he hears Jensen repeat as he hangs up.

-*-*-*-*-

Fifteen minutes. Jared said fifteen minutes. Jensen walks to the window, looking down on the dark street. A few cars drive by but none stop. He walks back to the door, leaning his forehead against the wood. Checks his watch. It’s been fifteen minutes and ten seconds. Ten seconds! He drums his fingers against the wall then turns around and walks back to the window. One car. Two cars. Three cars. All drive by without stopping. He checks his watch again. Sixteen minutes and thirteen seconds. Jensen blows out his breath. Counts to a hundred. Goes back to the door and looks through the small peephole. No one there. He looks at his watch once more. Eighteen minutes and thirty-seven seconds.

“He’s not coming. He’s not coming. Where is he?”

Jensen slams the door with his hand, flinching at the loud noise. There are people in the other apartments. They don’t like loud noises any more than he does. He’s crossing the room to the window again when there’s a knock on the door, making him almost jump out of his skin. He stands absolutely still, ears straining. There’s another knock, a little louder this time.

“Jensen? You in there?”

“Who is it?” he asks just to be sure, even if he’d recognize Jared’s voice anywhere.

“It’s me. Jared. You gonna let me in?”

“You said fifteen minutes!” Jensen shouts back. “It’s been…” He checks. “…twenty minutes and forty-three seconds!”

There’s silence for a moment. “I lost my watch,” Jared finally says.

Jensen blinks. “Oh. Okay.” He goes and checks through the peephole to make sure it really is Jared before unlocking the door. “You should buy a new watch. Punctuality is very important.”

Jared nods solemnly, but there are lines at the corners of his eyes, and his lips twitch slightly. “I will. And I apologize for being late.”

“Apology accepted.” Jensen steps back to let him inside. “Shoes off. Jacket in the closet.” He watches to make sure Jared does as he’s told before pointing towards the living room. “Go and sit down. I’ll bring you the beer.”

He goes into the kitchen and fetches two bottles from the fridge. He’s not really thirsty but guests shouldn’t drink alone. When he gets back into the living room Jared isn’t sitting on the couch. Instead he’s standing by the bookshelves, flipping through one of Jensen’s books. Jensen hesitates. He wants to tell Jared that he was supposed to sit down, but that’s probably rude, and Jared did come all the way over here just to visit him.

“Your beer,” he says instead and puts the bottles on the coffee table, hoping Jared will take the hint. But Jared just glances over his shoulder with a cheerful, “Thanks,” and continues reading. Jensen sits down on the couch and sips his beer. He stands up again and walks over, hovering awkwardly by Jared’s side.

“You have an impressive library,” Jared says, putting the book away before selecting another. “Big reader, huh?”

“Yes.” Jensen reaches out and adjusts the book until its spine is in perfect line with the others. “This is the Supernatural shelf,” he explains. It’s not as packed as some of the others but he still has a nice collection: urban legends, classic cars, rock music… He has some more arriving from Amazon that he’d been saving until they got word of the season getting picked up. “Over there is the Smallville one,” he continues. The Essential Superman Encyclopedia. Smallville companion books. Football coaching strategies. “Dark Angel.” Genetic engineering. Cloning. Piano for beginners. “And so on.”

Jared shakes his head, smiling that small smile of his. He looks a little like Jensen’s mother does sometimes, when he catches her watching him. Usually before she tells him that she’s proud of him. He’s not sure why Jared would be looking at him like that.

“I got you your beer,” he says, jerking his head toward the coffee table. “It’s over there.”

Jared looks over and then back at Jensen, smiling again before carefully putting away the book, this time with the spine almost perfectly aligned. “Okay, let’s have some beer.” Jensen manages to hold back until Jared has turned away before nudging the book in its right place.

They sit down on opposite ends of the couch, Jensen straight up with his feet flat on the floor; Jared slouching more, ankles crossed.

“You wanna watch the game?” he asks. “I know it’s a repeat but I missed it earlier.”

Jensen has no idea what game Jared is referring to but he says yes anyway.

Turns out it’s basketball. Jensen doesn’t really know much about basketball. It’s never been essential for any of his characters. He feels a little lost. If it was football he could at least make small talk with some informative tidbits. Jason Teague coached football. Jensen thinks of asking if they can find a football game to watch instead, but Jared looks immersed in what’s already on, so Jensen sits back and tries to follow what’s happening.

“Thanks for inviting me over,” Jared says after a while. “I was pretty bored myself.”

Jensen opens his mouth to remind Jared that he actually invited himself over, but Jared gives him such a big and bright smile Jensen forgets his words.

“I’m not bored anymore,” he says instead, and if anything Jared’s smile turns even brighter.

Jensen blinks. He feels a little dizzy. There’s something muddling his brain, a strange emotion, making it hard to think. It almost overpowers the other feeling he always has when he’s near Jared, the one where he wants Jared to be naked and on his bed. Actually, when he thinks about it, he wouldn’t mind not having sex with Jared if it meant he’d get to have more moments like this instead, with Jared sitting right beside him and smiling like there’s no other place he’d rather be.

-*-*-*-*-

“Now remember, I’m right here. You feel yourself slipping you just grab on to me, and I’ll cue you right back in, okay?”

Jensen nods. His brow is knitted in deep concentration as he goes through his usual finger tapping ritual. His teeth dig into his lower lip, something Jared knows will leave it looking even fuller than usual. It’s all he can do not to run his thumb under Jensen’s chin and tip his head up so he can…

Jared takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. “You ready?” he asks, keeping his voice light.

Jensen finishes his tapping before taking a deep breath as well, and then he looks up, the reserved smile he uses for the media right and ready on his face. His gaze only does a little roaming before finding its way to Jared’s eyes, and this time it stays for - Jared counts - six seconds. Every second added feels like a small victory. Even Danneel has never gotten more than three. The same feeling from before fires up in Jared’s belly, of pride and affection, and so much more that he’s definitely not going to delve into right now.

See, here’s the thing. Jared’s never had much tolerance for discrimination. All men - and women, of course - are created equal in his book. It shouldn’t matter where you come from, or how much money you’ve got, or how you look, or whether you’re smart or maybe not so smart. Same goes for sexuality, gender, race, etc, etc. All that stuff that makes people different from one another? It’s basically what makes them the same: human beings. So Jared always kinda figured that when he’d meet someone and fell in love, it could be with just about anyone on the planet.

Well, any guy on the planet. Girls kinda fell off Jared’s radar in that spectrum when he figured out the whole gay thing in high school. But yeah, it wouldn’t be about what that person was, it would be about who they were.

So how come the only reason Jared hasn’t pushed Jensen up against the nearest wall and kissed the hell out of him is the fact that Jensen is different?

It’s not as if Jensen has given him any reason to think he wouldn’t go for it. Hell, the guy has been telling Jared from day one that he wants to see his penis. See it, touch it, taste it… Even going so far as suggesting it would be interesting to see how well it would fit into his anus. (Jensen’s word, not his. Jared really doesn’t like to use the word ‘anus’ unless it involves a joke and is preceded by the letters ‘u’ and ‘r’.)

Clearly Jensen is not a blushing virgin, although Jared can’t quite figure out how he went about getting all that experience, considering he’s not really good at flirting. Maybe he just does this with everyone, tells them he’d like to have their dicks in his ass. Looking the way Jensen does, a guy would have to be deaf, blind and stupid to turn him down. Jared gathers if he asked, Jensen would probably tell him all about his methods in excruciating details. Which is why Jared doesn’t.

But yes, Jensen obviously wants him, and, with every day that goes by, Jared is finding it harder and harder to laugh off his blunt advances. And they haven’t even started filming the rest of the season yet! How is he going to survive the next nine months glued to Jensen’s side? And more importantly, why the hell is he resisting?

Jensen is gorgeous. And not just in a pretty boy kinda way, he’s smoking hot in every aspect. Even his bowlegs turn Jared on. Jensen is funny, especially when he doesn’t mean to be. He’s smart and interesting on so many levels Jared doesn’t know where to start. He’s adorable in his awkward shyness. He’s honest to the point of being rude, which for some reason Jared finds more amusing than insulting, even when it’s directed at him. He has small habits and quirks that should get on Jared’s nerves, but he actually finds endearing. And when Jensen goes off track, sometimes resulting in meltdowns and tantrums of epic proportions, so that people around him back away in discomfort having no idea how to handle it, Jared only wants to step closer. Wants to help Jensen deal with whatever is disturbing him and be there to calm him down or rescue him from the situation that’s screwing him over. And then he wants to pull Jensen close and kiss him breathless, followed by fucking his brains out.

So what’s really stopping him?

“When we go back to Vancouver, I would like it if we shared an apartment,” Jensen says as their limo swings up to the sidewalk. “Danneel would be better, at least she can cook, but you are good, too. And we can have sex,” he adds. “Which makes your lack of culinary skills less important.”

Oh yeah, that would be what.

Jensen might be all for going to bed with him, but Jared outgrew his need for casual sex a long time ago. And so far Jensen hasn’t given him any indication that he’s looking for a real relationship. In fact all of his propositions make it sound like he’s simply looking for a friend with benefits. And however much Jared wants the benefits - God, does he ever! - the ‘friends’ part would break his stupid heart, because he wants so much more.

Before he can form an answer, the door is swung open, and Jensen steps out onto the red carpet, carrying the confidence of his character, and the casual smile of a small time TV star heading towards a brighter future. Jared quickly follows, goofy grin in place, and together they walk past the hundreds of fans, and reporters with cameras flashing and girls screaming all around them. And when Jensen steps closer, his smile starting to look a little strained, Jared puts an arm over his shoulders and tries not to take it personally, when Jensen presses his palm to Jared’s chest, right over his heart.

-*-*-*-*-

Jensen hates flying.

It’s noisy, and packed with people, and if he’s really unlucky someone will recognize him, and then he’s really screwed. He always gets a seat by the window and asks for a pillow and a blanket the first chance he gets, so he can cover up and pretend to be asleep. If Danneel is with him she’ll sit in the aisle seat, acting like a buffer and making sure no one gets too close. But she’s not with him this time. It’s just him, and business class was full, so he’s in economy, pressed up against the wall by the very large woman in the middle seat taking up half his space as well as her own. The guy in the aisle seat is snoring already, not surprising considering he smells like a brewery.

Jensen leans into the wall with his eyes closed, breathing deeply. He can do this. He can.

Someone kicks him in the back and Jensen jerks forward, breath hitching. He risks a glance over his shoulder and there’s a kid about five years old in the next row, staring at him. Jensen quickly looks away and the kid kicks again. And again. Drumming the toes of his shoes into Jensen’s back like a jackhammer. Jensen bends forward and hides his face in the pillow. Fuck. He’s about to lose it and they haven’t even taken off yet!

“Sir? Are you alright?”

He glances to his left. There’s a woman standing in the aisle. Uniform. Flight attendant. “Fine. I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fi-” He slams the heel of his hand into his forehead to stop himself, making the woman next to him jump, her elbow accidentally hitting him in the ribs. “Fuck. Shit.”

“Sir, are you having a panic attack?”

“Not panicking. I’m not panicking.” He starts rocking in his seat, eyes closed. “Vancouver is a coastal city located in the Lower Mainland of British Columbia, Canada. It’s named for British Captain George Vancouver, who explored the area in the 1790s. The name Vancouver itself originates from the Dutch ‘van Coevorden’, denoting somebody from Coevorden, a city in the Netherlands.”

“Sir? We’re about to take off. If you need a doctor it’s better if we get you off the plane now. Sir?”

Jensen shakes his head. “I’m not sick! Vancouver’s residents are ethnically and linguistically diverse; fifty two percent do not speak English as their first language. The city is particularly famous for its Chinese culture, and almost a third of the city’s inhabitants are of Chinese origin.”

“Sir, I really think you should come with me.”

She leans over to touch his shoulder, and that’s it, he snaps. “I’m not sick!” he hisses, fighting to keep his voice low. “I’m a fucking Aspie, okay? I have Asperger’s. Please just… leave me alone.”

Shit.

She backs away instantly. “I’m sorry.” The smile is hesitant, her face flushed red with embarrassment. “Would you be more comfortable in a less crowded seat? There’s an empty row further back.”

He shakes his head. “My ticket says I should sit here.”

“It’s okay, we move people all the time. It’s no problem.”

“My ticket says I should sit here,” Jensen insists. “This is my seat. I need to be in my seat.”

“I can move,” the woman next to him says quickly. “I don’t mind. Would that help?” she asks, turning to Jensen.

He blinks rapidly. “Yes, thank you. You are really big. Half of you is in my space.”

She looks a little startled, but then she laughs. “Well, honey, can’t argue with that. Those seats aren’t exactly made for women my size.”

“I’m sorry. That was rude. You’re not… I just don’t like people being so close. I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright. Don’t worry about it.” She pats him on the knee, quickly withdrawing her hand when he flinches. “You have a pleasant flight now,” she says and stands up, squeezing past the guy in the aisle seat, who is fast asleep, snoring and drooling a little. With the woman gone the smell of alcohol is even stronger.

“Can you move him too?” Jensen asks the flight attendant. Julia, her nametag says. “He smells. It’s distracting. And quite nauseating. And the boy behind me keeps kicking my back. Can you make him take his shoes off?”

“I…” She looks a little lost. “I’ll see what I can do.”

He sleeps most of the way; the blanket pulled so far over his head only his nose sticks out. When they finally land he stays in his seat until everyone is gone. He can feel Julia’s eyes on him as he gets his backpack out of the overhead compartment. When he walks past her she touches his elbow lightly, and he stops dead, eyes fixed on the open door in front of him.

“Just wanted to tell you I love your work,” she says quietly. “I never would have guessed… You’re a great actor.”

He swallows. “I’m sorry about…” He waves his hand toward his abandoned seat. “I usually fly first class, but it was booked solid. I didn’t mean to cause any trouble.”

“You didn’t. It’s what we’re here for, to make your flight as comfortable as possible.”

He nods. “Thank you,” he says, shifting awkwardly on his feet. He really wishes Danneel was here. Or better yet, Jared. He hates having to deal with this kind of thing on his own. “I’d appreciate it if you didn’t tell anyone about, about what I said,” he adds in a low voice.

“I wouldn’t dream of it,” she assures him.

He nods again and walks out.

-*-*-*-*-

The network sets them up in a house. Jared doesn’t know if Jensen really did demand they’d room together, or if The Powers That Be just decided it would be more convenient. Not that it matters. Having a house means - once he’s cleared it with Jensen - that Jared can bring his dogs and that’s all he cares about. He hates being away from his dogs.

Jensen is apprehensive at first, but Jared’s dogs prove themselves to be more perceptive than most people. Instead of jumping Jensen like oversized puppies on crack, the way they usually greet strangers, Sadie approaches slowly and lies down two feet away, big eyes watching Jensen soulfully. Even Harley sits back, tongue lolling and tail thudding the floor. Jared doesn’t think he’s ever seen his dogs so well behaved.

After a long silence where Jensen stands immobile, hand ready on the doorknob, he finally takes a step forward and crouches down. He scratches Sadie behind the ears, while Harley shuffles over and licks his hand.

“Jared’s dogs,” Jensen says, nodding to himself. “Okay. You’re okay.”

Sadie presses her cold nose to Jensen’s neck, and he lets out a surprised laugh. Jared blinks and clears his throat. The house must be dusty the way his eyes itch.

Living with someone is a lot different from living in separate apartments in the same hotel. Especially when that someone is Jensen.

Jensen has coffee and All-Bran for breakfast. Every day. Jared tried to make him pancakes one Sunday morning and Jensen just sat there, awkward and silent until Jared said, “Or you can just have your usual. It’s okay, I don’t mind.” It would have been funny how relieved Jensen looked if Jared didn’t feel so damn sad for him. He can’t really think of many things worse than not being able to have pancakes for breakfast whenever the mood strikes. It’s tragic.

Thankfully, Jensen isn’t as strict about their dinners, even if he does like to keep to a schedule. Most days they eat on set, where the staff is only too happy to cater to Jensen’s needs. The nights they’re at home they keep it simple. Pizza - one each with their choice of toppings - and Chinese.

Danneel is right though, Jensen is perfectly capable of taking care of himself. Jared suspects he’s just gotten used to people doing things for him, and it takes him a little while to get back on track. Like their first morning, when he’d found Jensen in front of his closet, wearing nothing but his boxer briefs and looking completely at a loss, because apparently Danneel hadn’t made him any kind of dressing schedule.

“Dude, just grab something,” Jared had said, keeping his voice light and a little teasing, even if the whole thing made his stomach twist. “You’re gonna change into Dean’s clothes anyway.”

Jensen had pursed his lips then nodded and put on the top t-shirt in the drawer, the first shirt on the row of hangers and the nearest jeans in his closet. Through the week he methodically went through the rest of his clothes the same way, until it was time to do laundry, and the whole thing started over again. After two weeks Jared helped Jensen rearrange his clothes in an order that had him dressing at least a little color coordinated.

Jared brought with him -apart from the dogs and his clothes - a laptop, a stack of DVDs and lots of music.

Jensen brought books.

They fill the shelf in his bedroom and are stacked on every surface in the living room as well. Jensen is obsessed with reading up on everything Dean should know. For starters he has half a dozen books on classic cars and the Impala. Jared skims through them sometimes, because, let’s face it, the Impala is about the coolest car he’s ever had the pleasure to ride in, but Jensen reads them word for word, memorizing everything. He also has a 1/18 model that he keeps on the small desk in his room and he’ll spend hours comparing it to the facts he’s reading, making small notes in the margins.

He has books on ghosts, and urban legends, and guns and fighting techniques. He has dozens of maps of the United States, which is kinda ridiculous, because wherever Sam and Dean may travel, Jared and Jensen never actually leave British Columbia. He has books on shooting pool and how to hustle for money. How to flirt with women, how to pick up girls, how to pleasure them in every possible way. Books about father-son relationships. Brother-brother relationships. Losing a parent. Dealing with grief. With guilt. With jealousy. With feelings of inadequacy.

And then there are the other books. The ones Jared secretly calls ‘Jensen books’. Pretending To Be Normal. Social Skill Training. Understanding Metaphors. Understanding Facial Expressions. Body Language. Communication Issues. Navigating the Social World. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Stress Management.

Some of them are worn with use. Others have hardly been opened.

“Mom keeps trying to improve me,” Jensen explains when he catches Jared flipping through a shiny new book about establishing and maintaining longtime relationships. He doesn’t sound too happy about it.

“Maybe she just wants to help you improve your life?” Jared suggests after casually putting the book away, hoping Jensen doesn’t notice his embarrassment. He can’t help wondering if Jensen has mentioned him to his mother. Or maybe she’s just thinking of Jensen’s relationship with Danneel, hoping it grows into something more romantic.

Jensen gives him a perplexed look. “What’s the difference?”

“Well…” Jared stops. He doesn’t really know. “I’m sure she just wants you to be happy. It’s a mom thing.”

Jensen frowns. “I am happy,” he says. “You’re here.”

Jared blinks. “Oh,” he says, cheeks burning. “Uhm, thanks. For wanting me here,” he elaborates awkwardly when Jensen looks confused.

“I’d want you anywhere,” Jensen says easily and adjusts the slightly uneven row of books on the shelf. “I need to go over my lines for tomorrow. You should, too.”

“Yeah. Sure.”

Jensen’s script is covered in numbers, arrows and small curves. At first Jared thought Jensen was just doodling or working math problems in his head, but then he noticed a pattern to which numbers went where, and Jensen’s methodology clicked into place with staggering clarity. Watching Jensen now - his face making the right expression for each number as he gets to it, his tone changing in accordance to the directional signs - is so impressive that Jared has a hard time concentrating on his own lines.

Everything about Jensen is pretty impressive actually, once Jared becomes conscious of just how much work Jensen has to put into things. Things that Jared never even thinks about.

Jensen isn’t so much shy as he’s just awkward, because he’s not always sure what is going on with the people he’s interacting with. Just as he’s not really antisocial, he just feels out of his depth when he has to concentrate on more than one person at a time. Most jokes go over his head, same with metaphors and expressions that he hasn’t learned by heart. It’s more noticeable when he’s interacting with the Canadians, which, admittedly, even Jared has trouble understanding sometimes. But whereas Jared can guess or just fake his way through it, Jensen gets nervous as hell, because he can feel he’s missing something; he just doesn’t know what. It’s amazing watching Jensen take in everything that’s going on around him and then use all his learned skills to try and adapt and fit in. And heartbreaking to witness him stress out and panic the times he feels completely lost and is fighting to hide it. Usually that’s when Jared suddenly remembers they’re supposed to be somewhere else. It’s a bit awkward and probably not that convincing, but it works, and that’s all that matters.

The work is more demanding than anything Jared’s ever done before. Shooting the pilot had been hard, yes, but the schedule hadn’t been as hectic. They’d taken the time to find their footing, to figure out what worked, and what didn’t. Now they have eight days to film each episode. Eight days of getting up before dawn and working until it’s too dark to shoot. And then they move it indoors and keep on going. By the third day Jared finds himself spending almost every moment between takes slouched in his chair, snoozing, while at the same time trying to keep an eye on Jensen.

Jensen likes to sit in the Impala on the short breaks between takes. Jared tried to join him once but Jensen locked the doors and wouldn’t let him in. If they’re on one of the sets he’ll storm off, not coming back until Jared texts him that he’s needed. It takes Jared almost a week to realize where Jensen disappears to: the handicap toilet on the far side of the building. The only place close enough where he can be alone with no fear of interruption.

By the time they make it home at the end of their increasingly longer days, Jensen is worn out physically and worn thin emotionally. He loses his temper at the drop of a hat. He rambles on and on about everything and nothing. He locks himself in his room and refuses to come out. Once, when work drags out for eighteen excruciating hours, Jensen hardly even makes it through the door before sliding down the wall, and there he sits in the dark hallway, rocking back and forth with his hands over his ears, until he falls asleep from exhaustion.

“It’s too much,” Jared tells Danneel. He’s sitting up in bed, Jensen’s bed, watching him sleep. The skin under Jensen’s eyes is bruised thin. He’s still wearing all his clothes. It’s four o’clock in the fucking morning. “He’s gonna burn out at this rate.”

“He has the right to call for a break whenever he needs it,” she says. It’s seven a.m. at her end, but apparently she likes getting up early. Jensen says someone should check her head instead of constantly doubting his, because that kind of perkiness can’t be normal. “It’s in his contract. All he has to do is say when.”

“Well, he never does. He’s even more anal than Kripke. Everything has to be fucking perfect. We did fifteen takes today on a scene that he nailed on his first try. And every goddamn take after that.” Jared groans. “He’s just… God, he’s so fucking anal.”

“Okay, this is where you come in, Jared,” Danneel says calmly. “Get him to loosen up. Tell him to take a fucking chill pill. Pull that stick out of his ass. Whatever it takes.”

Jared closes his eyes, feeling completely out of his depth. “Why would he even listen to me?”

“Because I’m pretty sure you’re the main reason why he’s so set on being perfect.”

“What?” Jared must be more tired than he thought, because that makes no sense. “Why would…? What?”

“He kinda likes you, in case you hadn’t noticed,” she says. It sounds like she’s smiling. “Whenever I call him, you’re all he ever talks about.”

“Well, it’s pretty much just the two of us,” Jared says lamely. “Don’t think that actually means much.”

“He calls you his best friend. I think that means as much as you want it to mean.”

Jared doubts it, considering he wants it to mean everything.

-*-*-*-*-

“That was amazing,” Jared whispers as soon as David Nutter yells cut. “I love what you did there.”

Jensen bites his lip then shakes his head. “No. It was off. I should have-”

“Dude, it was amazing. You do it any better than that, you’re gonna make me look bad. Seriously, I’m fucking embarrassed.” Jared sighs. “You keep getting better and better, and I’m barely hanging in there.”

Jensen doesn’t know what to say. It didn’t feel that great; he knows he can do better. But he doesn’t want Jared to feel bad either. He doesn’t know where Jared gets the idea that he’s barely hanging in there; he seems to give just as good as he gets. It seems ridiculous that he should worry about not being good enough. And wrong if Jensen is the one making him feel that way. However much he wants every take to be perfect it’s not worth Jared’s self-esteem taking a beating.

“You were good,” he says and tries for a smile. “That… that was good.” He breathes out, reluctantly letting go off his own discontent. “We were good.”

“Yeah?” Jared’s smile brightens. “You really think so? It was okay?”

“Yes. It was okay. It was good.” He smiles and nods, feeling all warm inside when Jared grins back, happy.

They finish that day’s takes before sundown. When they get home they watch a little TV, until Jared falls asleep on the couch. Jensen sits for a long time watching him before turning off the lights and going to his room.

So far living with Jared is nothing like he thought it would be, and still so much more than he ever could have dreamed of. It’s very confusing this constant battle of happiness and frustration. He doesn’t really know what to make of it.

-*-*-*-*-

“So this is how we’re gonna do it.”

The smile on Kim Manners’ thin, weathered face is warm and filled with confidence. He’s a guest director for the third episode, has been here less than a week, but Jensen already likes him better than David Nutter and Eric Kripke combined. They’re always awkward around him, like they don’t know how to interact with someone so different.

Kim had walked up to them his first day on set and put out his hand, patiently waiting for Jensen to take it. “I’m Kim,” he’d said, not shaking Jensen’s hand but just holding on to it. “I’ll be directing this week, so whatever you need, boys, you come talk to me. Don’t worry about anyone else. I’m the boss, and it’s my job to look after you guys, okay?”

Jensen had looked at Jared, searching his face for how to react. Jared was smiling, looking happier than he had since they started shooting the season, so Jensen had smiled as well and given Kim a nod.

Things are different with Kim directing. Whenever Jensen starts to feel edgy or tattered all he has to do is touch Jared’s hand, Jared will give Kim a subtle sign and just like that he’ll call for a break, no questions asked. People smile more, joke more, and Jensen goes home every night feeling tired but content, like maybe he did a good job instead of letting everyone down.

He really hopes Kim sticks around.

“You just stay relaxed and keep afloat, okay?” Kim is saying. “Don’t worry about the kid. The kid swims like a fish. He could probably save your butt if it came to it.”

Jensen nods. His stomach is in knots, and he feels a little dizzy. The kid is holding his hand, squeezing it tight, but he doesn’t look scared at all. If anything he looks like pretending to drown is the most fun he’s had in ages. Kids are weird.

“The divers will tap your leg three times before pulling you down,” Kim continues. “If you still don’t feel ready just kick out, and they’ll let go. Alright? Jensen, you with me?”

He nods again, breathing deeply. The wetsuit clings to his skin under his clothes, tight and suffocating. “Yeah. Yes. Yes. Piece of cake.”

He never really got that saying. Why would a piece of cake be any easier than say a piece of fruit? Or just a sandwich? Cake has a tendency to go everywhere. Especially if there’s whipped cream. And baking a cake is even more complicated. Frankly there is nothing easy about cake.

“Okay. Remember, any time you feel like quitting, or that you need a break just give us a wave. Same goes for you, Nico. You start feeling nervous, just tell Jensen to let go and swim ashore or give us a wave, and we’ll come get you.”

The kid nods. “Got it.” He looks up at Jensen and smiles. “Don’t worry, you’ll do fine.”

Jensen nods and fakes a grin. “Piece of cake,” he repeats. “Right?”

The kid grins back. “Right.”

They stand waiting at the end of the pier while the crew sets up the cameras and lights and the divers go over everything one last time. Jared is standing by the edge of the lake, watching them. He looks small so far away. Jensen’s hand twitches, and the boy clutches it harder, his small fingers slipping in Jensen’s sweaty grip.

“Whenever I feel nervous I do math in my head,” Nico says. “Like the times table? We can do that if you want. You know the times table, right?”

Jensen breathes. “Yes.” Math isn’t really an interest of his but he still knows more than most people.

“Or we can do something else,” Nico offers. “What do you like?”

“Geography. I like geography,” Jensen says and clears his throat. It’s a little dry. “I know everything there is to know about Canada.”

“Really?” the boy asks, eyes wide. “Everything?”

“Yes.”

“Do you know where my grandma lives?”

Jensen frowns. “No.”

“Then you don’t know everything everything,” the boy points out, but he doesn’t sound smug, just matter-of-fact. “I can tell you where she lives if you want?”

“Okay.”

He keeps his eyes on Jared as the boy rambles on about his grandmother, and her two cats and the trail behind her house where he likes to ride his bike. When he’s done Jensen tells him all about the aboriginal people of Canada, and Nico listens and nods and doesn’t even once ask him to stop.

Kim comes to ask them if they’re ready, and Jensen nods and smiles and says, “Ready, tiger?” using his Dean voice.

Nico grins and tells him, “I was born ready,” in a weird, deep voice that has Kim laughing. Jensen laughs as well, even if he has no idea what’s supposed to be so funny. They jump off the pier into the cold water and finish the scene in two takes. All in all it’s one of his better days.

-*-*-*-*-

The whole crew gets together to watch the airing of the pilot, mid-September. Barbecue, beer and nervous optimism color the evening. They already feel like a family, and the possibility that the whole thing might flop is making everyone drink too much and laugh too loud.

“We’re good for two seasons minimum,” Jensen says, not seeming to understand why people are so worried. Then he goes into a long speech about viewer numbers and cult shows, until everyone but Jared has made their excuses and slipped away.

“I’m boring, I know,” Jensen admits when he’s finally done. “I don’t mean to be, I just can’t stop myself.”

“I don’t find you boring,” Jared says with a smile. “You’re really not nervous?”

“Why do you think I’m talking so much?”

Jensen drains his beer before grabbing another. He stumbles slightly, and Jared steadies him, arm over his shoulders. He tries not to think too much of it when Jensen leans into it instead of jerking away.

“But you just told everyone we’re sure for two years?” he says instead.

“That’s not what’s making me nervous.” Someone roars with laughter, and Jensen winces. “Everyone is really drunk. I don’t like it when people are drunk.”

Just then one of the camera guys, Brian, swaggers up to them and gives Jared a friendly slap on the back before turning his attention to Jensen. Jensen tenses, his whole body vibrating against Jared’s side. Brian leans closer as he tries to catch Jensen’s gaze and sighs dramatically when Jensen doesn’t comply.

“Gotta say, kid, didn’t think you could do it. Never worked with someone like you, but, hell… Whatever you lack up here,” Brian taps his head, “you got in here.” He pats Jensen on the chest and gives him a wide smile, oblivious to his discomfort. “You’re one of a kind, Ackles. One of a kind.”

“Thanks, Brian,” Jared says coolly and pushes him firmly away. “I think it’s starting. Why don’t you go have a seat?”

“One of a kind!” Brian shouts before stumbling to join the others.

“You okay?” Jared asks in a low voice.

“This is why I don’t like drunk people,” Jensen says hoarsely.

“He means well,” Jared tries, painfully aware of how lame it sounds.

“He thinks I’m mentally retarded.” Jensen gulps down half his beer and wipes his mouth with the back of his hand. It trembles. “They all do,” he continues unsteadily. “Jeannie calls me ‘sweetie’. Like, like I’m a child. I’m not a child. I’m not… I’m twenty-seven years old!”

“They’re just… They care about you, man. They like you.”

Jensen shakes his head. “They like you. They pity me. They pity me, Jared!”

“Jensen, no.” Jared tightens his grip on Jensen’s shoulder but Jensen won’t meet his eyes. “That’s not…”

Before he gets any further Sera is there, pulling on Jared’s arm and demanding they ‘sit their asses down’. There are two seats waiting for them, front row, and even if Jared knows Jensen would feel a lot more comfortable staying back and out of sight there’s nothing they can do but comply. As the opening scene starts he grabs Jensen’s hand and squeezes it, disappointed but not surprised when Jensen doesn’t squeeze back. Jensen’s eyes are on the big screen, his face as blank as it ever is, but at least he doesn’t pull away.

It’s strange to watch the two boys that are supposed to be Sam and Dean when they were little, even stranger than seeing the woman who becomes their dead mother, and the man who will later come back to play their dad. Jared knows of Jeffrey Dean Morgan, has seen him on Grey’s Anatomy and other stuff, but he hasn’t met him yet. That whole opening scene was shot completely separate from the rest.

John Winchester yells, “Take your brother outside as fast as you can and don’t look back!” and Jensen’s hand jumps in Jared’s grip. Jared glances over and the look on Jensen’s face is all Dean, like he’s reliving a nightmare that’s burned into his memory. Losing his mother, his childhood, his innocence. It hurts Jared’s heart.

Then it’s Sam at Stanford, having the easy life with Jess. Adrianne was a hoot and Jared loved working with her, but it’s still strange, sitting beside Jensen and watching scenes he wasn’t a part of. This, it’s not what the show is about anyway. It’s about Sam and Dean. About being brothers. Being a family. Jessica’s death, however horrific, really only served as a catalyst to what Sera likes to call Sam and Dean’s epic romance.

Jensen tenses again the minute Dean enters the scene. He’s biting his lip so hard Jared worries his teeth might actually cut through the flesh, his brow is knitted in concentration, and the hand Jared isn’t holding is a flurry of movement, fingers tapping his thumb in an endless rhythm of back and forth. Jared’s attention is so focused on Jensen and Dean that it takes him a moment to notice that the room has fallen completely silent. He sneaks a glance around, nervous, a little worried. Everyone is staring at the screen. Mouths open, eyes wide… Shooting quick glances at Jensen and then back up at Dean, like they just can’t compute. Eric and Kim are the only ones sitting back, hands behind their heads, grinning widely like this is exactly what they were expecting.

Jared turns his eyes back to the front, smiling to himself. On the screen in front of him Jensen continues to blow everyone’s mind as he takes Dean to heights Jared knows no one in the room thought him capable of.

-*-*-*-*-

Jensen isn’t sure what changed. Something. People still stare at him, but it’s different. It’s not… It’s not pity. That’s what’s different. Jeannie still calls him sweetie but she calls Jared honey so maybe… maybe. He’s not sure. It’s just different.

He finds himself smiling more. Laughing. Talking to people beside Jared. He goes to work, and it’s fun. He can’t remember ever having fun at work before. And even when it’s not, even when he’s tired, and lacking and stressing out it’s still better than any other job he’s ever had, because… Because Jared is there. And he’d rather be tired, and lacking and stressed with Jared than the best he can be without him.

He can’t really imagine being anything without Jared. Being anywhere. And it’s frightening, because he’s never needed anyone like that before. He’s always been a loner, not so much by choice as just because most people need more to form a relationship - any kind of relationship - than what he can give them. But with Jared he wants to give. Wants to be that person for Jared, just like Jared is that person for him. The one he can’t imagine his life without.

He just wishes he knew how to tell Jared that. So far all his advances have been laughed off or just plainly ignored. And fuck, he gets it. He’s not really dating material; based on what he’s learned from watching numerous romantic movies with Danneel anyway. He’s awkward, and boring, and weird and embarrassing. Either he talks too much or not at all. And Jared… Jared is this wonderful human being. Everyone loves him. Everyone wants to be near him. Jensen they tolerate, but Jared… They like Jared. Jared could have anyone he wants.

Jensen just really wishes that anyone was him.

-*-*-*-*-

Sundays are Jared’s favorite. He takes the dogs for a run, breathing in the crisp cold air of early Vancouver morning, and by the time he comes back Jensen is usually up and dressed and sitting by the kitchen table drinking his coffee as he flips through the Sunday paper. They’ll eat lunch together and go grocery shopping, and in the evening they’ll read over their scripts for next week. It feels oddly homey, like all they’re missing is a couple of kids and a bigger bed in the master bedroom, and they’d be as boringly normal as any other married couple in Canada.

“You looking forward to hiatus?” Jared asks Jensen one late November evening.

After a long silence Jared looks up from his script, thinking Jensen didn’t hear him but he’s right there at the other end of the couch, watching Jared with an odd look on his face. “Jensen? Hiatus? You going home to see your folks?”

“I don’t want to go home,” Jensen says. “I hate flying.”

“Huh.” Jared’s not sure what to say to that. “We could fly together, I don’t mind driving home from Richardson.”

“Can’t we just stay here?”

“For Christmas?” Jared puts down the script, trying to read Jensen’s expression. He doesn’t look like the thought of flying actually scares him, but it’s hard to tell. If Jared was to guess, he’d say Jensen seems frustrated. “Don’t you want to see your family?”

Jensen shrugs, his fingers drumming a rhythm upon his knee, his teeth digging into his lower lip. “I’d rather see you,” he says finally.

Jared can’t help but smile. “You see me every day, all day. Aren’t you sick of me yet?”

Jensen shakes his head. “Are you sick of me?” he asks.

His voice is flat, but his fingers keep drumming faster and harder. Jared reaches over and takes his hand to stop him, before he hurts himself. Jensen stops, but he doesn’t look up. His eyes are blinking rapidly, and his breathing is a little hurried.

“No, I’m not sick of you,” Jared says tightly, for once glad that Jensen sucks at reading emotions, because damn if Jared can hide how he feels. “I don’t think I could ever get sick of you, Jensen.”

Jensen purses his lips. “Everyone gets sick of me eventually.”

“Well, I’m not everyone,” Jared tells him, squeezing Jensen’s hand, until he finally looks up. His pupils are dilated, leaving barely a rind of green. He looks… sad? Scared? God, Jared wishes he had a Jensen manual. No matter how much he’s read up on Asperger’s these past few months, trying to get some insight into Jensen’s life, Jensen himself is most of the time still an enigma. Like now. Right now, Jared has absolutely no idea what’s going on inside Jensen’s head.

“Is it because I’m too weird?” Jensen asks suddenly, his gaze darting away again.

Jared blinks. “What?”

Jensen pulls his hand back, the fingers curling into a fist. “You’re gay. I’m gay. I like you. You say you like me, but you don’t…” He takes a deep breath. “ You always say no. Is it because I’m weird?”

Jared sits back, his heart picking up speed in his chest. Five months, half a season, and here they are, finally facing the pink elephant in the room.

“I do like you,” he says carefully. “I like you a lot. And you’re not weird. Well, okay, you are. But I like your… weirdness. It’s what makes you, you.”

“I like you more than anyone I’ve ever met,” Jensen says, his words rushed like he’s desperate to get them out. “I like you more than Danneel. I… I like sex, okay? And I really want to have sex with you.”

Jared’s heart sinks. “Jensen…”

“No. Listen. Listen. I want to have sex with you, but if not having sex means you’ll stay then, then I want that more. Other people can give me sex. I can give me sex. You give me a lot more. I, I really like you, Jared. My chest hurts when I think of you not being here. I feel good when you are here. I never want you to leave. I really want to kiss you. I want to sleep in your bed, just sleep. I want… You are my best friend, Jared.”

Jared stares at Jensen. At the flush coloring his cheeks, the nervous twitch of his lips. The curve of his shoulders, pulling higher the longer Jensen holds his breath. Jared shifts closer on the couch, reaching out to lay a hand on Jensen’s neck. He can feel Jensen’s heartbeat like a rapid drum under the pad of his thumb.

“Jensen, can you look at me?”

Jensen’s eyes flicker from Jared’s chin to his mouth, his ear, his nose, his eyebrows. And then they’re there, staring into Jared’s eyes, struggling to keep focus, to stay still. Fighting so hard they’re watering. Big and green and desperate.

Jared runs his fingers into Jensen’s hair, cradling the back of his head. “I really like you, too,” he says softly and pulls Jensen in.

Jensen makes a soft noise when Jared kisses him, a breath of a small whimper that warms Jared’s mouth. Encouraged Jared licks over Jensen’s lower lip, tasting copper where his teeth have bruised the soft flesh, and traces of bitter coffee at the corner of his mouth. Jared’s heart is hammering in his chest, matching the beat pounding under his thumb on Jensen’s neck. He dares another lick, sliding his tongue over the valley between Jensen’s lips and feels dizzy when Jensen parts them on a moan, eagerly letting him in. Oh God, this is really happening.

He shifts closer on the couch, tilting his head for a better angle, and it’s as if Jensen had been waiting for that specific invitation, because he surges forward, crushing their lips together and sucking Jared’s tongue into his mouth. Jared groans, his fingers tightening in Jensen’s hair, while Jensen fumbles at Jared’s chest, fisting his shirt, whether to keep him close or at a distance, Jared’s not sure. Jensen is breathing so hard he’s shaking, the heel of his free hand slamming into his thigh again and again until Jared grabs hold of it and braids their fingers together.

“Relax,” Jared whispers, smiling against his lips. “I’m not going anywhere.”

Jensen hitches his breath. “I, I know one hundred and, and… one hundred and one ways to please a man,” he stammers. “I read the book.”

Jared can’t help laughing. He pulls away, smiling down at Jensen where he’s leaning back on the couch, chest heaving, cheeks flushed pink. His eyes are green and wide, his lips kissed wet and swollen. He’s beyond a doubt the most beautiful man Jared has ever seen in his whole life. And to think he could have had this for months if he just hadn’t been so damn stupid.

“I only know about a dozen,” he jokes, his voice a little unsteady. “Think that’s enough?”

“I can teach you the rest,” Jensen tells him and pulls him down again.

-*-*-*-*-

Jensen hums under his breath, silently going through the list in his head. Ten down, ninety-one to go. Although that thing Jared did with his tongue might count as two. Possibly. And he’s not sure number sixty-three is doable with someone Jared’s size. His hands are really big.

“I’m glad you’re proportional,” he tells Jared. “Even though I would still like you with a smaller penis.”

Jared laughs. “Good to know.” He’s lying on his side, head propped up on one hand, the other drawing some strange pattern on Jensen’s chest. It tickles. Jensen isn’t sure he likes it, but he keeps still anyway, because it’s Jared. “I’m pretty happy I’m proportional, too.”

“I was starting to think maybe you weren’t. That maybe that was why you kept saying no, because you thought you’d disappoint me. But if anything you’re bigger than I thought. I like it. Danneel says I’m a size queen.”

Jared’s laugh sounds a little strangled. Maybe his throat hurts from earlier. Jensen is quite proportional, too.

“I’m sorry I kept saying no,” Jared says suddenly. “I was just worried, I guess.”

Jensen tenses. “I know what I’m doing,” he says, voice tight. “I’m not deficient. I’m not… I’m not a damn kid!”

Jared’s hand stills. “I know that,” he says sharply. “Jesus, Jen, don’t you think I know that? That’s not… I wasn’t worried about that.”

He rolls over on his back, shaking his head. “Idiot,” he grumbles. Jensen tenses even further and Jared sighs. “Sorry. I didn’t mean… I’m not mad at you. I’m just… I was worried about me,” he finally admits.

Jensen frowns. “Why would you be worried about you? There’s nothing wrong with you.”

Jared is silent for a while then looks over at him. “Because I’m in love with you,” he says simply. “And I didn’t want to get my heart broken if you… if you didn’t feel the same way.”

“Oh.” Jensen frowns. “But I do feel the same way.” He turns his head, accidentally bumping Jared’s nose with his own. “I’ve been trying to tell you since I met you. You’re just really slow.”

Jared laughs a little. “Guess I am. I just thought you were horny.”

“I was. I am.” Jensen lets his hand slide down Jared’s stomach. “People can’t be horny when they’re in love?”

“Oh, they definitely can,” Jared growls and rolls them over.

Jensen ticks another three off the list.

-*-*-*-*-

“So, a second season?” Kristin from E! Online exclaims, batting her eyes and smiling coquettishly. “You must be so excited!”

Jared nods. “We are, we are. Well, I am. Jensen keeps asking to be killed off. Apparently he misses his beauty sleep.”

“Only because you keep me up all night,” Jensen points out.

“All part of my devious plan to make me the prettier one,” Jared says without missing a beat.

Kristin laughs that annoying laugh of hers, thankfully drowning out Jensen’s soft, “You already are.”

“So what’s in the card for Sam and Dean in the new season? Providing you don’t get killed off.”

“Oh, they don’t tell us anything,” Jared says. “I tried bribing Eric but apparently he doesn’t like blowjobs. Can I say blowjobs on TV? I meant hugs.”

Kristin is stammering something about how that’s why they use ‘bleeping’ when Jensen starts walking away, face blank. Jared grabs his shoulder and pulls him into a hug, playing the clinging monkey while quickly whispering into Jensen’s ear, “It was a stupid joke. I’m just nervous. I’m sorry.”

He can feel Jensen relax against him and breathes out. He really has to learn to control his mouth. Stupid word vomit. Jensen almost outing them on national television just messes up his whole Zen. Even if he should be used to it by now, because Jensen keeps doing this, all the time. Thankfully no one takes him seriously, apparently blatant flirting between male co-stars is all the rage in Hollywood.

Bromance, the greatest invention since sliced bread.

They escape Kristin’s clutches and continue down the red carpet, Jared’s arm slung over Jensen’s shoulders.

“You know I don’t blow anyone but you, right?” Jared asks in a low voice. “Never will.”

“I know. You just threw me. I’m not used to you lying,” Jensen murmurs.

“Joking. It was a joke. Another bad one,” he admits.

“Very bad. Worse than your fart jokes,” Jensen tells him, and Jared laughs.

“At least it didn’t smell,” he says and pretends to whisper something in Jensen’s ear to cover up the quick kiss. “Let me make it up to you when we get home,” he adds when Jensen shivers slightly.

Jensen looks thoughtful. “Okay. I want number forty-eight.”

Jared grins. “Yeah? Which one is that again?”

“Apparently you call them hugs,” Jensen says innocently, and Jared throws back his head and laughs.

They have a whole new season to look forward to. Life just couldn’t be better if it tried.

fin

Additional author's notes: This fic would have been a total disaster without the help of numerous people:
winchesterxgirl and bittersweet_art who are always such a great support to me, who read over and told me I wasn’t crazy for doing this.
greenstone_j, trishabooms and candygramme who gave me their thoughts from their experience with people with Asperger’s.
And last but definitely not least katy4650 who was an amazing help, providing personal insight into what felt right and what was completely idiotic on my part. (Thank you so much, sweetie. I really hope whatever changes I’ve made since doesn’t screw anything up.)
I owe them all a truckload of cookies.

I also did research myself before getting started. I couldn't get my hands on any really helpful books (very poor selection at the library, primarly limited to autism) but I read a lot online, both by those working with people with Asperger's and the people themselves. I wish I could provide a proper list but the truth is I had them open in a million tabs and then closed them all when I finished this a couple of months ago, not saving any of them, the idiot that I am. I also lurked at forums (creepy, I know, but it's all open so...) and watched a few movies about Asperger's and autism (Adam (my favourite by far), Mozart and the Whale, Snow Cake, Sólskinsdrengurinn). Despite that I give no claim to really know what I'm talking about since I have no personal experience with Asperger's Syndrom or people who have it. I'm sure people will disagree with some of my choices, find they don't fit with what they know of people with Asperger's or themselves if they have it. To that I'd like to quote my Jared here: "...people are just different no matter what they might or might not have." The symptoms of Asperger's Syndrom are many, that doesn't mean a person with Asperger's has all of them. There are levels, there are different personalities, there are so many things that play into who we are, regardless of what we "might or might not have". And that's all I have to say about that.

Thank you for reading.