josefinssmile: It takes courage (to walk together)
Author: shangrilove
Recipient: josefinssmile
Title: It takes courage (to walk together)
Rating: PG
Word Count: 3368
Pairings/Character(s): Daniel Agger/Fernando Torres
Warnings: AU. Mild angst.
Summary: Daniel will do whatever it takes to be the mistake that Fernando can`t live without. Based on the song ÒThe High RoadÓ by Three Days Grace , I suggest you listen to that while reading this.
Beta'ed by: Thanks to sumrndmgrl for the beta and kind comments.
It starts because theyÕre both lonely. Two young men thrust into a foreign country with a lot of pressure riding on them.
Daniel is scouted by Liverpool Football Club as a teenager and joins them when heÕs seventeen. Fernando Torres is eighteen when Liverpool University offers him a writing scholarship. Daniel canÕt believe Liverpool wants him, and Fernando canÕt afford university otherwise.
They live in the same block of student housing, which is convenient for their hookups. FernandoÕs not sure what this is, but between papers and finals and that economics professor whoÕs out to get him, he doesnÕt think about it too much.
It continues even as Daniel starts getting called up to the first team and the club gets him a house. Fernando moves out a couple months later into an apartment with Pepe, one of his Spanish friends with too much flair and not enough hair.
TheyÕre still sleeping together by the time Fernando graduates, and Daniel becomes a regular for Liverpool. Both of them are not seeing anyone else, so he supposes that he can call it a relationship.
~
The thing is, theyÕre not really dating. They donÕt go out at all. Daniel comes over twice a week. Sometimes Fernando cooks, or they order take out and sit on the couch with a movie.
There are weeks where they donÕt see each other. Fernando free-lances for an assortment of magazines around the country and he gets sent on assignment regularly. He sends Daniel postcards from far away places, he never writes anything though, just in case the postman reads them.
Once in a while, Fernando comes over. Those occasions are rare so he tries to leave his mark. HeÕll switch around the containers on the spice racks when he cooks and put the shampoo back where the conditioner should be. At night, heÕs always a bit more desperate, moans a little deeper and he feels empty when he comes.
He usually wakes up alone in the mornings; Daniel has to go in early for training. All the discarded clothes from the night before are piled neatly on a chair. He makes sure to take everything when he leaves.
~
ÒWho are you playing this weekend?Ó Fernando asks one night while making tea.
ÒArsenal.Ó Daniel replies. ÒWhy the sudden interest?Ó
He hands a mug to the other man. ÒI think IÕd like to see a match.Ó
The footballer makes a non-committal noise, ÒIÕll get you a ticket.Ó
On Sunday, Fernando goes to Anfield for the first time. He doesnÕt sit with the other families in the playerÕs box; instead he is shown to the media stand even though he has never once written about football. His pass says ÒNational GeographicÓ and the other media fellows are curious.
ÒShould we see Liverpool as one of the next top European destinations soon?Ó a friendly chap from BBC Sports asks as the players are warming up.
Fernando blushes, heÕs still not great with strangers. ÒNo. IÕm pretty much only here to watch the game.Ó He doesnÕt like to hide the truth.
ÒAh, using media connections to get tickets.Ó The other writer winks. ÒIÕve done that a fair share of times.Ó
ÒSomething like that.Ó He murmurs and scans the field for a red shirt with the number five. HeÕs easy to spot because it seems his back is always turned.
Liverpool wins the game 2-0 and the players walk around applauding the fans. Daniel doesnÕt come near his section. In fact, he never even once glances in this direction. Fernando knows because he didnÕt look at anything else.
Daniel offers him tickets for next weekÕs game, but Fernando politely declines. ÒIt really wasnÕt my thing.Ó
~
Sometimes Fernando hates himself, always clingy and anxious to please. How he spends every moment together making sure Danny is happy.
Like when he goes to London to meet his editor every couple of weeks, heÕll wait outside DannyÕs favorite bakery to buy him the first batch of Chelsea buns that day. Then heÕll drive the three hours back so he can have them as a post-training snack.
He goes to Mount Huang and to do a story on the pilgrimage of lovers who climb the mountain so they can attach a lock to the railing and throw away the key. He buys a padlock from the base before he starts his climb. By the time he comes down the mountain, the lock is among the other thousands, but the key stays at the bottom of his camera bag.
His friends tell him that he deserves more. The worst part is that he doesnÕt deny it. HeÕs young, and gets more than enough appreciative looks on the street. He could get someone else, but he doesnÕt want to.
Some days he stays at home and writes stories that end in tragedy, he never sends them to his editor. Sergio and Iker call him constantly, but he always turns them down, just in case Danny calls instead.
He never does.
~
Pepe comes over a lot. They donÕt live together anymore, his friend met a girl named Yolanda and they got hitched only after five months together. Fernando is incredibly happy for the both of them.
ÒHombre, youÕve got to get out more.Ó He says while unpacking containers of his wifeÕs paella.
ÒI do! I was in Africa last month and our boat was almost hijacked by Somali pirates!Ó he protests.
Pepe shots him a look, ÒI mean outside of work. Go somewhere with Dan.Ó
Fernando sighs. ÒYou know he canÕt. Someone will get suspicious if heÕs always seen with the same guy.Ó
ÒWhat? YouÕre just going to hide away until he retires? Wait another decade for him?Ó Pepe usually supports his friendsÕ life choices, but only if they arenÕt complete idiots.
ÒDo I have any other choice?Ó Fernando asks as-a-matter-of-factly.
Pepe doesnÕt mention the obvious one, even though they are both thinking it.
~
On a rare occasion, they go out for dinner. Daniel drives all the way to the other side of Manchester and puts on a trucker hat and aviators even though the sunÕs set.
Fernando idly scans the wine list, when Daniel jumps at a camera flash. The table over is taking pictures of their food. He tries to reassure his boyfriend by squeezing his hand, but Daniel flinches away at the slight contact.
ÒDonÕt.Ó He frowns and itÕs a warning.
Fernando sighs and they go back to perusing the menu, hands carefully tucked on their side of the boundary outlined by the breadbasket.
The food is well cooked and the setting is nice. Fernando has three glasses of wine while Daniel abstains since he has a game in two days. After they finish and pays, a girl with a basket of flowers comes by.
ÒA rose for your boyfriend?Ó she asks.
Daniel awkwardly laughs and shakes his head. ÒWeÕre just old friends catching up.Ó He feels the need to explain himself to a stranger who canÕt be more than ten.
ÒOkay.Ó She gives a toothy smile and is about to go to the next table when Fernando speaks.
ÒWait.Ó He reaches for his wallet. ÒIÕll take a flower anyways.Ó
ÒWhat?Ó Dan hisses. ÒYou canÕt.Ó
ÒOh Danny, come on.Ó Fernando laughs, but thereÕs no warmth to his laughter. ÒYou usually donÕt say no to pretty girls.Ó He hands over a bill and accepts a single long stemmed rose.
The drive back is quiet, until Daniel breaks the silence. ÒThat flower thing was risky, what if someone saw?Ó
ÒSometimes, risks are what makes it worth it.Ó
~
Daniel doesnÕt see it coming, and thatÕs really the gist of it.
He enters the apartment and is greeted by the silence of a dozen boxes staring back at him.
Sometime later, Fernando comes in with Pomo and Yanta and it really must be one of those moments because for once, even the dogs are quiet.
ÒAre you leaving?Ó He needs to confirm what his heart is scared of.
ÒYes. I am.Ó
He wonders how Fernando can be so calm. ÒBut, what about us?Ó
The other man laughs, but thereÕs no warmth in the laughter. ÒWhat is there about us?Ó
ÒAre youÉÓ Daniel stops, he wishes he couldÕve prepared ahead of time. ÒAre we breaking up?Ó
ÒWeÕve been broken for a long time.Ó Fernando gently reminds him.
ÒBut weÕre good for each other.Ó Daniel looks to his lover, why canÕt he see that?
Fernando shakes his head with a bitter smile. ÒThen I guess we simply donÕt see eye to eye on things.Ó
ÒPlease.Ó This is as close to begging as he knows. ÒJust stay.Ó
ÒNo.Ó The blonde shakes his head, letting bangs fall onto his face. ÒI really canÕt.Ó
ÒI donÕt understand.Ó Daniel wants to brush his hair from his eyes; he wants Fernando to stop with this nonsense. ÒI donÕt understand why you have to go.Ó
ÒBecause.Ó Fernando pauses. ÒI donÕt want to think that these seven years have been a mistake.Ó
~
Even though Fernando has warned him, Daniel still feels nothing but shock when he knocks on FernandoÕs door and it opens to reveal a stranger a week later. He mumbles about a wrong address and trips down the stairs in his haste to leave. As if he can run away from the evidence that Fernando has actually left him.
He tries FernandoÕs cell, but an automated message lets him know that the number has been disconnected. He smashes the phone in the pavement.
Daniel goes home and rummages through his stuff. He searches for any proof, any reminders that Fernando was actually there or any clues to where he might be now. Other than photographs in a hidden folder named Òtax filesÓ on his computer, there is nothing at all. Fernando mightÕve been nobody in his life, and he feels that way for the first time in his life.
He skips training for two days, begging off with the stomach flu. He goes around to every spot Fernando has ever mentioned. He even takes a drive down to London and finds the bakery that he always brought pastries back from.
Daniel is even desperate enough to show up at PepeÕs doorstep. The other man is not pleased to see him. ÒAre you searching for him because heÕs gone, or because you actually miss him?Ó
The silence answers for him and the Spanish man slams the door in his face.
He never finds what heÕs looking for.
~
Days turn into weeks and keeps on going. Daniel never stops searching.
He subscribes to The New Yorker, GQ, and even British Food and Wine. Every magazine that Fernando has ever written for, and ones heÕs mentioned he would like to write for. He flips through them all, searching for that one name.
He never sees it, and the magazines stack up in tall towers in his house, layers of dust settling between them as he piles on new issues each month.
The next season, Daniel scores again, a rare kick from forty yards out that against all odds, that ends up curling into the top corner. He blows a kiss high up into the sky and hopes that itÕll reach him somehow. He knows itÕs unlikely, but so was that goal and he imagines Fernando watching the game wherever he is.
He still goes out with the team, especially after big wins. But now he stays with the boys, doesnÕt flirt with the waitresses, and never takes the napkins scrawled with phone numbers.
The media pick up on it.
ÒSo Mr. Agger, are there any special ladies in your life?Ó the SkySports broadcaster isnÕt very original.
ÒNo.Ó He denies and pauses, trying to phrase it right. ÒThere is someone special, but I have a lot of chasing to do.Ó He refuses to answer any more questions.
The boys tease him about his vague comments. He tells them that he only said it to throw them off, because right now he only wants to focus on his career. It canÕt be further from the truth, but his teammates are easy to fool, theyÕre not Fernando.
~
The only positive is that he starts calling his mother a lot more.
ÒDaniel, are you bringing anyone home for Christmas?Ó she always asks at this time of the year.
ÒNo, itÕs just me.Ó The answer has been the same for three years now. He tries not to think about the time before that, the last time he really felt the holiday spirit.
His mother is hesitant. ÒMaybe you should.Ó
He sighs. ÒThere is nobody to bring.Ó
ÒHave you even tried looking?Ó
ÒMom, I have never stopped.Ó
ÒOh honey.Ó He can hear the worry in her voice.
ÒIÕll find him.Ó And itÕs not so much to re-assure his mother than a promise to himself.
~
ItÕs Liverpool versus Real Madrid in the Santiago BernabŽu and the unthinkable happens. They win the ChampionÕs League, and he feels genuine happiness as he lifts the trophy. However, itÕs not enough, either heÕs gotten greedier, or he has just lost more.
The next morning, when everyone is still hung over he goes out for a walk in Madrid. He has always wanted to visit where Fernando grew up. They had plans for a trip once, but like many things, it had been pushed aside. So heÕs finally here now, not for the right reason, and without Fernando, but heÕs finally come.
He sits at a sidewalk cafŽ with an espresso, people watching, always watching. He only has twenty minutes before he has to return so he can fly back with their trophy. The desire is still there, to find Fernando, even if itÕs to see a turned back or just to catch half a sentence. He wants more than that of course, but he knows he doesnÕt deserve any of it.
He just wants a glimpse, to see that FernandoÕs still whole and good, that he didnÕt destroy the one person who deserves everything in the world.
For this moment, heÕs waited four years.
Fernando is walking down the street while talking to another man. The hair is shorter though still dyed blond and thereÕs a new patch of freckles on his chin, he is smiling as he gestures with his hands. What really throws Daniel off is the smile; he doesnÕt think Fernando has ever smiled like that in public, lighting up brighter than the Spanish sunshine.
The two men approach and Daniel is frozen. There are so many scenarios running through his head and heÕs terrified that heÕll just fuck it up again. The companion says something, and Fernando laughs. That smile, and the easy laughter, this is something theyÕve never had.
He wants to run up to him and wrestle him away. He wants to hold on and never let go. He wants to kiss those lips and see if he still tastes like chocolate mints. He wants to apologize and tell him, I love you in the middle of the street. He knows itÕs impossible, but he wants to make up for every moment he made Fernando feel unimportant.
ThereÕs an uncomfortable ache building in his gut, and he has to put down his cup before it gets crushed. Daniel is not a violent man, despite his appearance and dedication on the pitch, but right now, heÕs shocked at how much hatred he can feel for a stranger.
For the first time since Fernando left, he feels again.
The two men are almost in front of him now. Fernando is still laughing, and smiling, and he can spot the deeper creases around his eyes. Those same eyes sweep right past him, and then stills.
Daniel doesnÕt realize heÕs stopped breathing until it becomes he feels a burn in his chest. He takes a breath and meets those eyes.
Fernando whispers something to his friend in rapid Spanish, and the stranger gives him a quick hug and leaves. There are only three steps between them, but it might as well be three thousand miles.
ÒHello Daniel.Ó The wisp of a smile on FernandoÕs face is a stranger.
ÒI was a mistake.Ó He blurts out. Damn, this is not how he wants it go, but heÕs spent so much time searching, hoping, praying Ð that he hasnÕt planned past this single point in time.
Something flickers on FernandoÕs face, but he doesnÕt say anything.
Daniel takes that as a sign of encouragement.ÒYouÕre right. You wasted your best years on me. But IÕll do anything, I`ll do whatever it takes to be the mistake you can`t live without.Ó
~
He never ends up flying back to Liverpool with the rest of the team. He calls Stevie about a family emergency in Madrid (because Fernando is, and has been family ever since they met). His captain tells him that taking care of his happiness is far more important than a parade. Daniel should be surprised, but he finally believes in good things again.
He meets Fernando for dinner at a restaurant. He gets there early and hands over a dozen red roses when he arrives. Fernando is surprised, but wary.
ÒThis doesnÕt mean anything.Ó He warns the footballer.
ÒI know.Ó HeÕs not expecting anything; this is already more than what he hoped for.
Dinner is a little tense. An outsider looking in might mistake them for strangers, not people who have known each other for more than a decade.
Fernando tells him about his latest project. HeÕs working on a novel, based off a group of child soldier he met in Rwanda. The manuscript is almost finished and his editor has it lined up for a renowned publisher.
Daniel is mesmerized, not just by the stories, but also how the candlelight dances on FernandoÕs cheeks. They linger over dessert and FernandoÕs hands shake when he talks a boy he met at the North Korea border. Daniel wants to have experienced these things with this man, but he didnÕt, so he does the next best thing and slips their fingers together.
Fernando pauses, and glances at their hand intertwined on the table and continues. Daniel counts that as a victory.
~
Fernando flies in to Merseyside a Tuesday. HeÕs got a week off before he has to be in North America for a month long book tour. HeÕs waiting at the curb waiting for a cab when a familiarly flashy SUV pulls up and he canÕt resist breaking into a smile.
ÒDemoted from football star to chauffeur?Ó He asks when the other man gets out to load his suitcase into the trunk.
ÒItÕs not a demotion if IÕm driving you around.Ó Daniel pulls the blonde in for a kiss.
ÒDanny.Ó Fernando gasps into the kiss, the foreign feeling of spectators watching slowly creeps in.
They break off and the footballer gives his hand a squeeze before they get into the car.
ÒAre you hungry? I know you hate airline food, we can stop somewhere for dinner.Ó
ÒI can always get something at the hotel.Ó Fernando yawns.
ÒI was thinking, instead of the hotelÉÓ Daniel keeps his focus on the road in front of him. ÒYou could just stay at my place.Ó
ÒYour house?Ó
ÒYeah.Ó
Fernando scrunches up his face in the same way when heÕs trying to rephrase one of his sentences. ÒAre you sure?Ó
ÒOf course.Ó ItÕs the easiest question heÕs ever been asked.
ÒOkay.Ó ItÕs said quietly, but it hits Daniel with a sudden burst of warmth. He takes one of his hands off the wheel and reaches for the space in between them. Whereas previously he had only been met with empty space, this time, this time around, he finds FernandoÕs hands and he does not let go.
~
These days, Fernando still doesnÕt go to Anfield very often. But when he does, he always sits in the same seat in the familyÕs section. The other wives and girlfriends adore him and he enthralls their children with wild stories.
Daniel still scores the occasional goal. When he does, he runs past his teammates, towards that stand and blows the man sitting there a kiss. They lock eyes and the smile he gets is louder and brighter than all of the Kop put together.
These days, itÕs the only thing that matters to Daniel. Fernando.
Recipient: josefinssmile
Title: It takes courage (to walk together)
Rating: PG
Word Count: 3368
Pairings/Character(s): Daniel Agger/Fernando Torres
Warnings: AU. Mild angst.
Summary: Daniel will do whatever it takes to be the mistake that Fernando can`t live without. Based on the song ÒThe High RoadÓ by Three Days Grace , I suggest you listen to that while reading this.
Beta'ed by: Thanks to sumrndmgrl for the beta and kind comments.
It starts because theyÕre both lonely. Two young men thrust into a foreign country with a lot of pressure riding on them.
Daniel is scouted by Liverpool Football Club as a teenager and joins them when heÕs seventeen. Fernando Torres is eighteen when Liverpool University offers him a writing scholarship. Daniel canÕt believe Liverpool wants him, and Fernando canÕt afford university otherwise.
They live in the same block of student housing, which is convenient for their hookups. FernandoÕs not sure what this is, but between papers and finals and that economics professor whoÕs out to get him, he doesnÕt think about it too much.
It continues even as Daniel starts getting called up to the first team and the club gets him a house. Fernando moves out a couple months later into an apartment with Pepe, one of his Spanish friends with too much flair and not enough hair.
TheyÕre still sleeping together by the time Fernando graduates, and Daniel becomes a regular for Liverpool. Both of them are not seeing anyone else, so he supposes that he can call it a relationship.
~
The thing is, theyÕre not really dating. They donÕt go out at all. Daniel comes over twice a week. Sometimes Fernando cooks, or they order take out and sit on the couch with a movie.
There are weeks where they donÕt see each other. Fernando free-lances for an assortment of magazines around the country and he gets sent on assignment regularly. He sends Daniel postcards from far away places, he never writes anything though, just in case the postman reads them.
Once in a while, Fernando comes over. Those occasions are rare so he tries to leave his mark. HeÕll switch around the containers on the spice racks when he cooks and put the shampoo back where the conditioner should be. At night, heÕs always a bit more desperate, moans a little deeper and he feels empty when he comes.
He usually wakes up alone in the mornings; Daniel has to go in early for training. All the discarded clothes from the night before are piled neatly on a chair. He makes sure to take everything when he leaves.
~
ÒWho are you playing this weekend?Ó Fernando asks one night while making tea.
ÒArsenal.Ó Daniel replies. ÒWhy the sudden interest?Ó
He hands a mug to the other man. ÒI think IÕd like to see a match.Ó
The footballer makes a non-committal noise, ÒIÕll get you a ticket.Ó
On Sunday, Fernando goes to Anfield for the first time. He doesnÕt sit with the other families in the playerÕs box; instead he is shown to the media stand even though he has never once written about football. His pass says ÒNational GeographicÓ and the other media fellows are curious.
ÒShould we see Liverpool as one of the next top European destinations soon?Ó a friendly chap from BBC Sports asks as the players are warming up.
Fernando blushes, heÕs still not great with strangers. ÒNo. IÕm pretty much only here to watch the game.Ó He doesnÕt like to hide the truth.
ÒAh, using media connections to get tickets.Ó The other writer winks. ÒIÕve done that a fair share of times.Ó
ÒSomething like that.Ó He murmurs and scans the field for a red shirt with the number five. HeÕs easy to spot because it seems his back is always turned.
Liverpool wins the game 2-0 and the players walk around applauding the fans. Daniel doesnÕt come near his section. In fact, he never even once glances in this direction. Fernando knows because he didnÕt look at anything else.
Daniel offers him tickets for next weekÕs game, but Fernando politely declines. ÒIt really wasnÕt my thing.Ó
~
Sometimes Fernando hates himself, always clingy and anxious to please. How he spends every moment together making sure Danny is happy.
Like when he goes to London to meet his editor every couple of weeks, heÕll wait outside DannyÕs favorite bakery to buy him the first batch of Chelsea buns that day. Then heÕll drive the three hours back so he can have them as a post-training snack.
He goes to Mount Huang and to do a story on the pilgrimage of lovers who climb the mountain so they can attach a lock to the railing and throw away the key. He buys a padlock from the base before he starts his climb. By the time he comes down the mountain, the lock is among the other thousands, but the key stays at the bottom of his camera bag.
His friends tell him that he deserves more. The worst part is that he doesnÕt deny it. HeÕs young, and gets more than enough appreciative looks on the street. He could get someone else, but he doesnÕt want to.
Some days he stays at home and writes stories that end in tragedy, he never sends them to his editor. Sergio and Iker call him constantly, but he always turns them down, just in case Danny calls instead.
He never does.
~
Pepe comes over a lot. They donÕt live together anymore, his friend met a girl named Yolanda and they got hitched only after five months together. Fernando is incredibly happy for the both of them.
ÒHombre, youÕve got to get out more.Ó He says while unpacking containers of his wifeÕs paella.
ÒI do! I was in Africa last month and our boat was almost hijacked by Somali pirates!Ó he protests.
Pepe shots him a look, ÒI mean outside of work. Go somewhere with Dan.Ó
Fernando sighs. ÒYou know he canÕt. Someone will get suspicious if heÕs always seen with the same guy.Ó
ÒWhat? YouÕre just going to hide away until he retires? Wait another decade for him?Ó Pepe usually supports his friendsÕ life choices, but only if they arenÕt complete idiots.
ÒDo I have any other choice?Ó Fernando asks as-a-matter-of-factly.
Pepe doesnÕt mention the obvious one, even though they are both thinking it.
~
On a rare occasion, they go out for dinner. Daniel drives all the way to the other side of Manchester and puts on a trucker hat and aviators even though the sunÕs set.
Fernando idly scans the wine list, when Daniel jumps at a camera flash. The table over is taking pictures of their food. He tries to reassure his boyfriend by squeezing his hand, but Daniel flinches away at the slight contact.
ÒDonÕt.Ó He frowns and itÕs a warning.
Fernando sighs and they go back to perusing the menu, hands carefully tucked on their side of the boundary outlined by the breadbasket.
The food is well cooked and the setting is nice. Fernando has three glasses of wine while Daniel abstains since he has a game in two days. After they finish and pays, a girl with a basket of flowers comes by.
ÒA rose for your boyfriend?Ó she asks.
Daniel awkwardly laughs and shakes his head. ÒWeÕre just old friends catching up.Ó He feels the need to explain himself to a stranger who canÕt be more than ten.
ÒOkay.Ó She gives a toothy smile and is about to go to the next table when Fernando speaks.
ÒWait.Ó He reaches for his wallet. ÒIÕll take a flower anyways.Ó
ÒWhat?Ó Dan hisses. ÒYou canÕt.Ó
ÒOh Danny, come on.Ó Fernando laughs, but thereÕs no warmth to his laughter. ÒYou usually donÕt say no to pretty girls.Ó He hands over a bill and accepts a single long stemmed rose.
The drive back is quiet, until Daniel breaks the silence. ÒThat flower thing was risky, what if someone saw?Ó
ÒSometimes, risks are what makes it worth it.Ó
~
Daniel doesnÕt see it coming, and thatÕs really the gist of it.
He enters the apartment and is greeted by the silence of a dozen boxes staring back at him.
Sometime later, Fernando comes in with Pomo and Yanta and it really must be one of those moments because for once, even the dogs are quiet.
ÒAre you leaving?Ó He needs to confirm what his heart is scared of.
ÒYes. I am.Ó
He wonders how Fernando can be so calm. ÒBut, what about us?Ó
The other man laughs, but thereÕs no warmth in the laughter. ÒWhat is there about us?Ó
ÒAre youÉÓ Daniel stops, he wishes he couldÕve prepared ahead of time. ÒAre we breaking up?Ó
ÒWeÕve been broken for a long time.Ó Fernando gently reminds him.
ÒBut weÕre good for each other.Ó Daniel looks to his lover, why canÕt he see that?
Fernando shakes his head with a bitter smile. ÒThen I guess we simply donÕt see eye to eye on things.Ó
ÒPlease.Ó This is as close to begging as he knows. ÒJust stay.Ó
ÒNo.Ó The blonde shakes his head, letting bangs fall onto his face. ÒI really canÕt.Ó
ÒI donÕt understand.Ó Daniel wants to brush his hair from his eyes; he wants Fernando to stop with this nonsense. ÒI donÕt understand why you have to go.Ó
ÒBecause.Ó Fernando pauses. ÒI donÕt want to think that these seven years have been a mistake.Ó
~
Even though Fernando has warned him, Daniel still feels nothing but shock when he knocks on FernandoÕs door and it opens to reveal a stranger a week later. He mumbles about a wrong address and trips down the stairs in his haste to leave. As if he can run away from the evidence that Fernando has actually left him.
He tries FernandoÕs cell, but an automated message lets him know that the number has been disconnected. He smashes the phone in the pavement.
Daniel goes home and rummages through his stuff. He searches for any proof, any reminders that Fernando was actually there or any clues to where he might be now. Other than photographs in a hidden folder named Òtax filesÓ on his computer, there is nothing at all. Fernando mightÕve been nobody in his life, and he feels that way for the first time in his life.
He skips training for two days, begging off with the stomach flu. He goes around to every spot Fernando has ever mentioned. He even takes a drive down to London and finds the bakery that he always brought pastries back from.
Daniel is even desperate enough to show up at PepeÕs doorstep. The other man is not pleased to see him. ÒAre you searching for him because heÕs gone, or because you actually miss him?Ó
The silence answers for him and the Spanish man slams the door in his face.
He never finds what heÕs looking for.
~
Days turn into weeks and keeps on going. Daniel never stops searching.
He subscribes to The New Yorker, GQ, and even British Food and Wine. Every magazine that Fernando has ever written for, and ones heÕs mentioned he would like to write for. He flips through them all, searching for that one name.
He never sees it, and the magazines stack up in tall towers in his house, layers of dust settling between them as he piles on new issues each month.
The next season, Daniel scores again, a rare kick from forty yards out that against all odds, that ends up curling into the top corner. He blows a kiss high up into the sky and hopes that itÕll reach him somehow. He knows itÕs unlikely, but so was that goal and he imagines Fernando watching the game wherever he is.
He still goes out with the team, especially after big wins. But now he stays with the boys, doesnÕt flirt with the waitresses, and never takes the napkins scrawled with phone numbers.
The media pick up on it.
ÒSo Mr. Agger, are there any special ladies in your life?Ó the SkySports broadcaster isnÕt very original.
ÒNo.Ó He denies and pauses, trying to phrase it right. ÒThere is someone special, but I have a lot of chasing to do.Ó He refuses to answer any more questions.
The boys tease him about his vague comments. He tells them that he only said it to throw them off, because right now he only wants to focus on his career. It canÕt be further from the truth, but his teammates are easy to fool, theyÕre not Fernando.
~
The only positive is that he starts calling his mother a lot more.
ÒDaniel, are you bringing anyone home for Christmas?Ó she always asks at this time of the year.
ÒNo, itÕs just me.Ó The answer has been the same for three years now. He tries not to think about the time before that, the last time he really felt the holiday spirit.
His mother is hesitant. ÒMaybe you should.Ó
He sighs. ÒThere is nobody to bring.Ó
ÒHave you even tried looking?Ó
ÒMom, I have never stopped.Ó
ÒOh honey.Ó He can hear the worry in her voice.
ÒIÕll find him.Ó And itÕs not so much to re-assure his mother than a promise to himself.
~
ItÕs Liverpool versus Real Madrid in the Santiago BernabŽu and the unthinkable happens. They win the ChampionÕs League, and he feels genuine happiness as he lifts the trophy. However, itÕs not enough, either heÕs gotten greedier, or he has just lost more.
The next morning, when everyone is still hung over he goes out for a walk in Madrid. He has always wanted to visit where Fernando grew up. They had plans for a trip once, but like many things, it had been pushed aside. So heÕs finally here now, not for the right reason, and without Fernando, but heÕs finally come.
He sits at a sidewalk cafŽ with an espresso, people watching, always watching. He only has twenty minutes before he has to return so he can fly back with their trophy. The desire is still there, to find Fernando, even if itÕs to see a turned back or just to catch half a sentence. He wants more than that of course, but he knows he doesnÕt deserve any of it.
He just wants a glimpse, to see that FernandoÕs still whole and good, that he didnÕt destroy the one person who deserves everything in the world.
For this moment, heÕs waited four years.
Fernando is walking down the street while talking to another man. The hair is shorter though still dyed blond and thereÕs a new patch of freckles on his chin, he is smiling as he gestures with his hands. What really throws Daniel off is the smile; he doesnÕt think Fernando has ever smiled like that in public, lighting up brighter than the Spanish sunshine.
The two men approach and Daniel is frozen. There are so many scenarios running through his head and heÕs terrified that heÕll just fuck it up again. The companion says something, and Fernando laughs. That smile, and the easy laughter, this is something theyÕve never had.
He wants to run up to him and wrestle him away. He wants to hold on and never let go. He wants to kiss those lips and see if he still tastes like chocolate mints. He wants to apologize and tell him, I love you in the middle of the street. He knows itÕs impossible, but he wants to make up for every moment he made Fernando feel unimportant.
ThereÕs an uncomfortable ache building in his gut, and he has to put down his cup before it gets crushed. Daniel is not a violent man, despite his appearance and dedication on the pitch, but right now, heÕs shocked at how much hatred he can feel for a stranger.
For the first time since Fernando left, he feels again.
The two men are almost in front of him now. Fernando is still laughing, and smiling, and he can spot the deeper creases around his eyes. Those same eyes sweep right past him, and then stills.
Daniel doesnÕt realize heÕs stopped breathing until it becomes he feels a burn in his chest. He takes a breath and meets those eyes.
Fernando whispers something to his friend in rapid Spanish, and the stranger gives him a quick hug and leaves. There are only three steps between them, but it might as well be three thousand miles.
ÒHello Daniel.Ó The wisp of a smile on FernandoÕs face is a stranger.
ÒI was a mistake.Ó He blurts out. Damn, this is not how he wants it go, but heÕs spent so much time searching, hoping, praying Ð that he hasnÕt planned past this single point in time.
Something flickers on FernandoÕs face, but he doesnÕt say anything.
Daniel takes that as a sign of encouragement.ÒYouÕre right. You wasted your best years on me. But IÕll do anything, I`ll do whatever it takes to be the mistake you can`t live without.Ó
~
He never ends up flying back to Liverpool with the rest of the team. He calls Stevie about a family emergency in Madrid (because Fernando is, and has been family ever since they met). His captain tells him that taking care of his happiness is far more important than a parade. Daniel should be surprised, but he finally believes in good things again.
He meets Fernando for dinner at a restaurant. He gets there early and hands over a dozen red roses when he arrives. Fernando is surprised, but wary.
ÒThis doesnÕt mean anything.Ó He warns the footballer.
ÒI know.Ó HeÕs not expecting anything; this is already more than what he hoped for.
Dinner is a little tense. An outsider looking in might mistake them for strangers, not people who have known each other for more than a decade.
Fernando tells him about his latest project. HeÕs working on a novel, based off a group of child soldier he met in Rwanda. The manuscript is almost finished and his editor has it lined up for a renowned publisher.
Daniel is mesmerized, not just by the stories, but also how the candlelight dances on FernandoÕs cheeks. They linger over dessert and FernandoÕs hands shake when he talks a boy he met at the North Korea border. Daniel wants to have experienced these things with this man, but he didnÕt, so he does the next best thing and slips their fingers together.
Fernando pauses, and glances at their hand intertwined on the table and continues. Daniel counts that as a victory.
~
Fernando flies in to Merseyside a Tuesday. HeÕs got a week off before he has to be in North America for a month long book tour. HeÕs waiting at the curb waiting for a cab when a familiarly flashy SUV pulls up and he canÕt resist breaking into a smile.
ÒDemoted from football star to chauffeur?Ó He asks when the other man gets out to load his suitcase into the trunk.
ÒItÕs not a demotion if IÕm driving you around.Ó Daniel pulls the blonde in for a kiss.
ÒDanny.Ó Fernando gasps into the kiss, the foreign feeling of spectators watching slowly creeps in.
They break off and the footballer gives his hand a squeeze before they get into the car.
ÒAre you hungry? I know you hate airline food, we can stop somewhere for dinner.Ó
ÒI can always get something at the hotel.Ó Fernando yawns.
ÒI was thinking, instead of the hotelÉÓ Daniel keeps his focus on the road in front of him. ÒYou could just stay at my place.Ó
ÒYour house?Ó
ÒYeah.Ó
Fernando scrunches up his face in the same way when heÕs trying to rephrase one of his sentences. ÒAre you sure?Ó
ÒOf course.Ó ItÕs the easiest question heÕs ever been asked.
ÒOkay.Ó ItÕs said quietly, but it hits Daniel with a sudden burst of warmth. He takes one of his hands off the wheel and reaches for the space in between them. Whereas previously he had only been met with empty space, this time, this time around, he finds FernandoÕs hands and he does not let go.
~
These days, Fernando still doesnÕt go to Anfield very often. But when he does, he always sits in the same seat in the familyÕs section. The other wives and girlfriends adore him and he enthralls their children with wild stories.
Daniel still scores the occasional goal. When he does, he runs past his teammates, towards that stand and blows the man sitting there a kiss. They lock eyes and the smile he gets is louder and brighter than all of the Kop put together.
These days, itÕs the only thing that matters to Daniel. Fernando.