[fic] Smoke without Fire (Ookiku Furikabutte)

[faye_naruse]

Title: Smoke without Fire
Universe: Ookiku Furikabutte
Character(s)/Pairing(s): Abe-->Mihashi
Fic Type: Ficlet
Rating: PG-13
Word Count: 550
Alt. Link: FF.Net
Summary: Being irresponsible makes Abe hate himself a little less.

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Comments

[kouse]

Nice fanfic overall /thumbs up

Watch out for some minor grammar mistakes.
"Don't catch cold", you meant "Don't catch a cold", right?
"Abe looked away, putting his umbrella under his armpit and..."
Instead of armpit, you could use arm. I think. Because saying 'under his armpit' doesn't sound right. But that might just be me.

The way you describe Abe's feelings is pretty good, and the gradual effect building up only to be released by an invisible cigarette puff (great metaphor). It makes me relate to several scenes of the anime.
His personality is well portrayed, although sometimes I feel that maybe it could be a bit stronger, cause it felt like something is missing...Then again, that might just be me. xD

Keep up the good work.

-----end concrit-------

----Begin fangirl------
OMG THAT WAS SO SWEET I WANNA HUG ABE SO BADDDDD
MIHASHI SHOULD REALIZE THAT ABEEEEE IS FOR HIM. I MEAN. D8

XDDDDDDDDDD

(okok)

[shirono]

"Don't catch cold" is another way to say that phrase. I'm not sure if it's regional or what, but that's the way I say it too. =)

I agree with"arm" vs "armpit"! It's just such a sudden and harsh word there, it really bumped me out of the fic to read it.

[kouse]

Actually, now that I read the Don't catch cold, it doesn't sound that bad. I guess it's sayable. I guess I've just never heard it around where I live.

'Armpit' sorta struck out too much. xD

[faye_naruse]

I'm copy pasting this with adjustments from my comment to kouse, hope that's okay ^^

Ahh, you're right about the arm thing. [I just changed it~ Thanks, guys!] I'm actually of the same opinion as you and kouse that armpit is kind of an... uncomfortable word. I read through my fic many, many times before posting it, so I guess the awkward grammar part of it didn't click because I was distracted by my own distaste for the word itself, thinking it was my own bias. Am I making any sense? :'D

[theotherdenise]

Poor Abe ;n; You seem to have captured that feeling of futility perfectly.

On a day like this when the sky was sympathetically dark? - ah, this part really struck a chord. I like the ending too, Abe's such a cerebral guy that it really fits him.

Definitely looking forward to your future Oofuri fics! ♥

[faye_naruse]

Ahh, thank you so much! X'3 Glad you enjoyed~

[shirono]

DELIGHT.

I love it. I regret that I don't have anything fancy to say. But I love yearning!Abe.

[faye_naruse]

I know what you mean, I mean, just the phrase 'yearning!Abe' makes me go 'ah...! :'D'

Thanks so much for reading and commenting ♥

[ramen_rules]

Waahh, this was incredibly good! I especially liked this line: If he'd known his chest was going to hurt like this, he wouldn't have asked in the first place. ;_____; Abe noooooo!

[faye_naruse]

He'll find happiness one day, really :'D

Thank you for reading and commenting! <3