SPN fic: The Deconstruction of Sam Winchester 1/1
Title: The Deconstruction of Sam Winchester
Disclaimer: Not mine.
A/N: I wrote this a long time ago--during S4, as best I can tell. It's completely and totally AU and was entirely speculative at the time, but since it's not doing anything on my computer, I'm posting it. sendintheklowns was kind enough to read it over for me. Remaining mistakes and wild AU-ness is entirely my own.
Warning: Character death.
Summary: It’s not seeing Dean go to hell that makes Sam realize it’s over.
-o-
It’s not seeing Dean go to hell that makes Sam realize it’s over.
No, those were terrible times. They were dark and empty, cold and angry. They were days without joy, without meaning, without anything. The sterile existence of living, nothing more than a mechanical process. His world had faded to shades of gray, hues of black and white, because without Dean’s vibrancy, he just didn’t see the point.
There was no reason to think about morality. There was no reason to think about deathbed promises. There was no reason to think about family and history and meaning.
There were no reasons for anything in a world where his brother could go to hell.
There was just day after day, without Dean. Without saving Dean. Each sunset was a new failure to pull him into the darkness.
But no, it’s not seeing Dean go to hell that makes Sam realize it’s over. Maybe it should have, but it didn’t.
It’s when he comes back.
ONE
Dean finds out.
Sam always knew he would. He knew it even if he didn’t admit to it. He’s thought about it countless nights, lying between the sheets of the motel room bed, looking at the ceiling and trying to come up with all his reasons why. Why he lied, why he gave into his powers. Why he still worked with Ruby.
The list is always long but never good enough.
So when Dean doesn’t get it, Sam’s not surprised. Sam’s not sure he gets it himself.
He’s not even surprised about Dean’s condemnation, about hearing just how inhuman his brother could see him to be.
He’s not even really surprised when Dean brings God into this, although Sam’s always hoped for a God with grace.
No, none of that really surprises Sam, not when he thinks about it. These were all things Sam’s suspected all along, things Sam’s doubted about himself. But when Dean finds out, Sam is still surprised.
Surprised that his brother called on God. Surprised because he can hear it in his brother’s voice: belief. Newfound and young and dangerously desperate.
The surprise is numbing after awhile, paralyzing in its effect. His brother’s ability to see in shades of gray is disappearing and Sam sees his hope to find a middle ground eroding before his very eyes. It’s the first time, Sam thinks, the first time that there might not be a happy ending. The first time he realizes that maybe his brother will never truly be able to get it and for the first time, it really matters.
He means it when he tells Dean he’s done with everything. Dean just doesn’t know that Sam doesn’t just mean his powers.
TWO
It’s Uriel who gives him the second clue, the second harbinger that his life is just one downward spiral waiting to hit bottom.
He’s always known, always figured: he’s meaningless.
Just like his childhood aspirations. Just like his good intentions. Just like all his faith and his belief and his wants and his needs. Nothing. Pointless and insubstantial fantasies.
It’ll only take one word to make him equal to all of that, to make him like the dust that is his memories.
One word.
Sam almost wishes for that word.
Uriel is not that kind.
THREE
Dean’s been chosen by God.
Sam sort of knew that the day Dean got back, but he never really got what it meant. He never understood just how much that would change his brother, just how much it would change them. He never realized that Dean’s mission could be so opposed to his own.
Not because Sam wants to do evil and Dean wants to do good.
But because Dean is fighting for a side Sam can never join.
They’re still the same in so many ways. Two brothers, fighting evil. United in their love and concern for one another even if they can never find the way to say it.
But where Dean’s going, where he’s headed, Sam can’t follow. Dean’s been chosen by God and Sam’s the boy with the demon blood and Sam’s never felt more alone.
FOUR
Dean’s been to hell and Sam can’t understand.
Sam can see the drinking, he can see the nightmares. He can see the slow and steady ways of Dean’s absolute denial. He wants to know more, not out curiosity, but because his brother is in pain and Sam’s seen enough of that in one lifetime.
Dean needs someone to talk to. Someone to help figure this out.
That someone isn’t him.
He should have known that, too. Bobby maybe. A one night stand perhaps. Castiel.
Not him.
Not that he can blame Dean for that. Sam is, after all, the reason for all of this.
Besides, Dean’s been to hell and there’s no way Sam can understand.
Yet.
But someday Sam knows he will.
FIVE
Sam is useful.
Uriel said it and Sam has wondered what it meant. Of course, he hasn’t wanted to. It had always been naive, he supposes, to think that angels were abounding in grace and love. They have a purity, Sam can see that, but it’s the cruel starkness of John Winchester all over again, good and evil and nothing in between.
It made Sam uncomfortable as a kid. It downright condemned him now.
Still, angels and God, they exist and Sam may be meaningless but he may be useful.
Useful at killing demons. At advancing the front somehow. A rogue soldier. Neither good nor evil, but maybe, just maybe something.
Sam can see how wrong he is. Not just about angels and God and some master plan but about him.
Sam’s not useful for his powers. Sam’s not useful as a human being. Sam’s not useful as Sam.
Sam’s a bargaining chip. Leverage to keep Dean in line.
Sam’s already cost Dean so much, more than anyone should, and now he costs him more. He’ll cost him everything in the end.
Again.
ZERO
It’s not when Dean goes to hell that Sam realizes it’s over.
No, it’s much later than that, though Sam feels like should have put it together sooner.
It’s when his brother is chosen by God and there is no grace for the condemned and when he’s one word away from dust and he’s just done with everything. There is no place for him anymore and Sam is pretty sure that Dean will see it, too.
That Dean will see that Cold Oak was a mistake. Not that Sam should have killed Jake, but that Dean should have left Sam for dead, because Dean sold his soul for someone who was already damned.
No. It’s not when Dean goes to hell. It’s when he comes back.
Now Sam only has one move left, one choice left because he doesn’t fit into his own life anymore and he’s no brother worth having. He won’t be the chink in Dean’s armor. He won’t be the shackle around his foot. Maybe Dean can save the world. Everyone else. All those innocent people, all those good people.
The world, after all, can be saved.
Sam Winchester can’t.
He’s the boy with demon blood, one breath away from the dust, and his brother is chosen by God and Sam’s been straddling the fine line between humanity and evil long enough.
Even hell, Sam knows. Even hell is better than this.
And Sam puts the gun in his mouth and all he can taste is relief.
Disclaimer: Not mine.
A/N: I wrote this a long time ago--during S4, as best I can tell. It's completely and totally AU and was entirely speculative at the time, but since it's not doing anything on my computer, I'm posting it. sendintheklowns was kind enough to read it over for me. Remaining mistakes and wild AU-ness is entirely my own.
Warning: Character death.
Summary: It’s not seeing Dean go to hell that makes Sam realize it’s over.
-o-
It’s not seeing Dean go to hell that makes Sam realize it’s over.
No, those were terrible times. They were dark and empty, cold and angry. They were days without joy, without meaning, without anything. The sterile existence of living, nothing more than a mechanical process. His world had faded to shades of gray, hues of black and white, because without Dean’s vibrancy, he just didn’t see the point.
There was no reason to think about morality. There was no reason to think about deathbed promises. There was no reason to think about family and history and meaning.
There were no reasons for anything in a world where his brother could go to hell.
There was just day after day, without Dean. Without saving Dean. Each sunset was a new failure to pull him into the darkness.
But no, it’s not seeing Dean go to hell that makes Sam realize it’s over. Maybe it should have, but it didn’t.
It’s when he comes back.
ONE
Dean finds out.
Sam always knew he would. He knew it even if he didn’t admit to it. He’s thought about it countless nights, lying between the sheets of the motel room bed, looking at the ceiling and trying to come up with all his reasons why. Why he lied, why he gave into his powers. Why he still worked with Ruby.
The list is always long but never good enough.
So when Dean doesn’t get it, Sam’s not surprised. Sam’s not sure he gets it himself.
He’s not even surprised about Dean’s condemnation, about hearing just how inhuman his brother could see him to be.
He’s not even really surprised when Dean brings God into this, although Sam’s always hoped for a God with grace.
No, none of that really surprises Sam, not when he thinks about it. These were all things Sam’s suspected all along, things Sam’s doubted about himself. But when Dean finds out, Sam is still surprised.
Surprised that his brother called on God. Surprised because he can hear it in his brother’s voice: belief. Newfound and young and dangerously desperate.
The surprise is numbing after awhile, paralyzing in its effect. His brother’s ability to see in shades of gray is disappearing and Sam sees his hope to find a middle ground eroding before his very eyes. It’s the first time, Sam thinks, the first time that there might not be a happy ending. The first time he realizes that maybe his brother will never truly be able to get it and for the first time, it really matters.
He means it when he tells Dean he’s done with everything. Dean just doesn’t know that Sam doesn’t just mean his powers.
TWO
It’s Uriel who gives him the second clue, the second harbinger that his life is just one downward spiral waiting to hit bottom.
He’s always known, always figured: he’s meaningless.
Just like his childhood aspirations. Just like his good intentions. Just like all his faith and his belief and his wants and his needs. Nothing. Pointless and insubstantial fantasies.
It’ll only take one word to make him equal to all of that, to make him like the dust that is his memories.
One word.
Sam almost wishes for that word.
Uriel is not that kind.
THREE
Dean’s been chosen by God.
Sam sort of knew that the day Dean got back, but he never really got what it meant. He never understood just how much that would change his brother, just how much it would change them. He never realized that Dean’s mission could be so opposed to his own.
Not because Sam wants to do evil and Dean wants to do good.
But because Dean is fighting for a side Sam can never join.
They’re still the same in so many ways. Two brothers, fighting evil. United in their love and concern for one another even if they can never find the way to say it.
But where Dean’s going, where he’s headed, Sam can’t follow. Dean’s been chosen by God and Sam’s the boy with the demon blood and Sam’s never felt more alone.
FOUR
Dean’s been to hell and Sam can’t understand.
Sam can see the drinking, he can see the nightmares. He can see the slow and steady ways of Dean’s absolute denial. He wants to know more, not out curiosity, but because his brother is in pain and Sam’s seen enough of that in one lifetime.
Dean needs someone to talk to. Someone to help figure this out.
That someone isn’t him.
He should have known that, too. Bobby maybe. A one night stand perhaps. Castiel.
Not him.
Not that he can blame Dean for that. Sam is, after all, the reason for all of this.
Besides, Dean’s been to hell and there’s no way Sam can understand.
Yet.
But someday Sam knows he will.
FIVE
Sam is useful.
Uriel said it and Sam has wondered what it meant. Of course, he hasn’t wanted to. It had always been naive, he supposes, to think that angels were abounding in grace and love. They have a purity, Sam can see that, but it’s the cruel starkness of John Winchester all over again, good and evil and nothing in between.
It made Sam uncomfortable as a kid. It downright condemned him now.
Still, angels and God, they exist and Sam may be meaningless but he may be useful.
Useful at killing demons. At advancing the front somehow. A rogue soldier. Neither good nor evil, but maybe, just maybe something.
Sam can see how wrong he is. Not just about angels and God and some master plan but about him.
Sam’s not useful for his powers. Sam’s not useful as a human being. Sam’s not useful as Sam.
Sam’s a bargaining chip. Leverage to keep Dean in line.
Sam’s already cost Dean so much, more than anyone should, and now he costs him more. He’ll cost him everything in the end.
Again.
ZERO
It’s not when Dean goes to hell that Sam realizes it’s over.
No, it’s much later than that, though Sam feels like should have put it together sooner.
It’s when his brother is chosen by God and there is no grace for the condemned and when he’s one word away from dust and he’s just done with everything. There is no place for him anymore and Sam is pretty sure that Dean will see it, too.
That Dean will see that Cold Oak was a mistake. Not that Sam should have killed Jake, but that Dean should have left Sam for dead, because Dean sold his soul for someone who was already damned.
No. It’s not when Dean goes to hell. It’s when he comes back.
Now Sam only has one move left, one choice left because he doesn’t fit into his own life anymore and he’s no brother worth having. He won’t be the chink in Dean’s armor. He won’t be the shackle around his foot. Maybe Dean can save the world. Everyone else. All those innocent people, all those good people.
The world, after all, can be saved.
Sam Winchester can’t.
He’s the boy with demon blood, one breath away from the dust, and his brother is chosen by God and Sam’s been straddling the fine line between humanity and evil long enough.
Even hell, Sam knows. Even hell is better than this.
And Sam puts the gun in his mouth and all he can taste is relief.