The more time I spend out here, the less I remember about what it's like back home. Surprisingly, I'm also remembering less about everything else in my past. My early childhood feels like another lifetime, and I barely remember my last two years at high school. The four semesters at NOVA, plus the summer classes? I recall almost nothing. I don't ( Read more... )

This morning, I got out of bed finally deciding that it would be more worthwhile and good to get out of bed instead of simply lay in it. I went downstairs, fixed some breakfast, got coffee, and enjoyed a cigarette. Looking out at the gray, leafless landscape, I said to myself, "This will be a good day". I guess I was wrong ( Read more... )

That's it! I finally get what my problem is: Gaming! Sure, it can be a fun thing for people to do every once in a while, but I was playing video games to escape from the worries of my family since I was three. Maybe earlier! It's how I learned the alphabet before other kids! If I want to get better, I have to stop playing these fucking games for at ( Read more... )

Especially when I'm stoned. I realize now that I should have started this years ago. See, I'm seeing things about myself when I get like this. Things I didn't notice before about my character. In essence, I acted all these years with my body, and crude innate reactions to mishaps I don't tend to consciously remember. I flash back to all the ( Read more... )

I think it's helping so far. I mean, I'm only 3 days into it so it's probably just dumb luck but I'm meeting people, they seem to want to talk to me more, and I'm working on mending fences with my roommate and that girl that ignored me for a month. Also, I'm now apparently stage manager for a low-budget production of a student-written play called ( Read more... )

Talked, got a prescription for a drug called Lexapro. It's a selective seratonin reuptake inhibitor, which will supposedly help with the one-step-away-from-agoraphobia social anxiety I've developed. Depression, too, but they feed off one another.

Here's to hoping.

Through numerous trips to my literal happy place, I've come to understand a lot about myself. I think about myself perhaps too often, actually. Perhaps that's the setback? Either way, I believe that the problem with me is fundamental to my being. As many people describe, my thoughts are good but not pure. That is to say, I'm not quite with it. I ( Read more... )

For the past 4 years or so, I've kept to a rigorous routine with my hair: Get out of bed extra early so I can shower and put shampoo and conditioner in my hair followed by a toweling of the body then followed with putting at least two straighteners in my hair and then 25-30 minutes of blow-drying. I've been doing it for so long and to the point of ( Read more... )

I think I'm having a mid-life crisis at 21. How... Why could I be having that? All this silent introspection, admissions of accepting reality, that there are people out there that will never talk to me, never like me, never even be interested in me? But I am 21. I'm not old yet! I've just been fucking off all these years, so I never learned to do ( Read more... )

When I'm standing out in the woods in front of the artificial lake, stoned and finishing the few breaths of the menthol I can't take because I'm tasting the beans ground to make the iced coffee I'm drinking too intensely, writing a journal entry about deep insights I'm finding into my severely flawed character feels like it should be a smooth and ( Read more... )