Carousel | Spencer/Ryan/Brendon/Jon | NC-17
Title: Carousel
Author: fatal_overdose
Word Count: ~6,900
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Spencer/Ryan/Brendon/Jon; Brendon/Ryan; sort of one-sided Spencer/Ryan.
Summary: "Don't do anything drastic before coffee. I don't want to miss it."
Disclaimer: Never happened; Don't own.
Notes: Not as long as the first one. Sorry guys; I tried.
Sequel to: How The Light Gets In
1. humor me before I have to go;
She isn’t afraid of the dark, just what it hides and the sounds that come from it. Nightmares don’t come to her very often, she mostly just can’t sleep for very long because she’s got Brendon’s blood thrumming through her veins and so, naturally, she can’t ever sit still. She’s used to waking up every night, now, and staring at the wall while she listens to the sounds the house makes. It’s only on nights with howling winds or thick fog that she really worries.
Tonight, the tree outside her bedroom window is moving, the shadows of long, boney fingers crawling through her window, towards her. She knows this is just a tree, and she knows this is just a trick of the moon (Brendon had sat with her one night, pointing through the window and whispering calming words. He’s always right and she always believes him) but it’ still scary because she is still a child.
She turns and slips from her bed, her feet hitting the floor with a dull thud, and she leaves the room, going down the hall and reaching up to turn the doorknob. They’re not asleep yet, just in that stage between dreams and reality. She goes to the foot of the bed, climbs on and crawls up between them.
It’s not weird to her - the two of them in bed together. She’s five years old and she gets these things, that boys like girls and girls like boys (she’s seen enough television shows, watched Moulin Rouge enough to sing along and say the script) but she also knows that Ryan likes Brendon and Brendon likes Ryan, and she hasn’t ever said anything about it, so they’ve never said anything, either.
They make room for her, right between them, and she wriggles under the sheets until she’s comfortable. Ryan murmurs, “Bad dream?” and she shakes her head because that’s not why she’s here.
Brendon says, “C’mere,” so she ducks down and curls up next to him, head tucked beneath his chin. He asks, “Do you need a story?” She shakes her head to that, too, because all she wants is the contact. They’re all silent after that, and she sleeps easily for the rest of the night.
-
“Don’t freak out,” Spencer says.
“What if she doesn’t like it?” Ryan asks, exasperated, into the phone.
“She isn’t even going with you,” Spencer points out. “You’re just going for books.”
Touring with Sage isn’t easy; writing a new record is even worse. After Sage was born, the first tour was easy because Fall Out Boy was taking a break to write yet another album, so Patrick offered to babysit and follow Panic! around, and he also promised not to let Pete anywhere near the baby. The second big tour, for the third album when Sage was three, wasn’t as easy as the first time. Patrick was busy recording with Gym Class and William was with the Academy in Europe, so Pete was the only option.
Now, with Sage old enough to sit around on the bus and wander around in the dressing rooms, she’d be touring with them, but the problem was, she was at the age where she needed to start school.
“I hated it, Spence,” Ryan says quietly into the phone.
Spencer sighs. “It’ll be different, Ry. You know it will be. She’s - you’re smart, you can handle this. It’s easy, just kindergarten stuff. ABCs, numbers, spelling the word ‘cat’. You’ll be fine.”
Ryan isn’t so sure about it.
-
When Ryan gets back, carrying six textbooks and some papers, Brendon is sitting on the sofa watching The OC and Sage is sitting on the floor with a pad of paper and a crayon, the telephone tucked between her ear and her shoulder. Ryan quietly sets the books down and looks at Brendon. He asks, “Who is she talking to?”
Brendon shrugs. “I dunno. She’s been on the phone with like five different people.” Ryan looks like he’s about to say something about calling fucking China, so Brendon rolls his eyes and says, “It’s Bill.” Ryan steps closer, and on the pad of paper, the ABCs are written across the top in Brendon’s handwriting, and the rest of the page is filled with Sage’s scribbled words, mostly her name or Ryan’s or Brendon’s or the words ‘music’ and ‘piano’. He looks back over at Brendon and Brendon says, “Spence said you were freaking out, so I decided to do something about it.”
Halting her conversation with William, Sage looks up and her eyes brighten immediately when she sees him. She jumps up and grabs his sleeve, pulling, saying, “Daddy, Daddy, look!” It’s something Ryan’s gotten used to - being called Daddy - and it’s nice, even though the first time Brendon cooed to Sage, ‘Say Daddy!’ Ryan had been worried that he wouldn’t be able to handle the title.
He bends down and she writes his name across the paper, letters curved from memory. She grins up at him, eyes bright, and says, “I did it, right?”
Ryan doesn’t know why he was ever worried.
-
It was a silent agreement to live together when Sage was born. Brendon never left Ryan’s house and started gradually moving his clothes and video games over after a few weeks. No one really said anything about it, because if anyone had asked them, they would’ve both said it was just for Sage, and also a little for Ryan because he really just couldn’t take care of a baby by himself.
If you asked Spencer, he’d just tell you that Ryan was really a little bit in love with Brendon.
If you asked Spencer, he’d just tell you the truth.
-
“Call me when you get there,” Ryan says, reaching out to brush invisible lint from his jacket. Brendon nods; they’ve gone over this. “Patrick said he had a CD for Sage. Make sure you get it from him, okay? And don’t let Pete keep you too long.”
Brendon says, “I’ll miss you, too.” It’ll only be two days (three if Pete insists that Brendon and Travis have a three-hour-long discussion on music videos over lunch again) but it’s always hard, letting Brendon leave. Sage steps up and holds her hands above her head, making grabby hands at him, and he picks her up, holds her close. She giggles and he says, “I’ll miss you too, kid.”
Ryan wants to kiss him, but he can’t - not here - so he settles for, “Hurry, okay?”
Brendon nods and sets Sage back on her feet. She steps back and takes Ryan’s hand, still grinning up at Brendon. Brendon shuffles for a second, glancing around, and then he leans in and hugs Ryan, quick. He pulls back and picks up his bags. He says, “Stay with Spence while I’m gone, okay?”
He turns and walks away.
-
Watching Sage play with a marble tower on the floor, he answers the telephone without glancing down to see who’s calling. From the other line, Spencer says, “Stop being a jerk and come over.”
-
“I can’t stay in here tonight,” Ryan says, voice drifting off into a low moan. “She won’t know where I am.”
“I know, just,” Spencer breathes, moving lower, nipping at Ryan’s collarbone. Ryan arches against him and Spencer groans. “Bed?”
Ryan nods, pushing off the wall and stumbling across the room, Spencer’s arm around his waist, keeping them from stumbling. He falls back onto the bed and Spencer lands above him, breathing heavy, hot on his skin. Spencer pushes his shirt up, away, and Ryan squirms out of it, dropping it to the floor, hissing through his teeth when Spencer slides down the bed and works at the button on his jeans, free hand hot on his thigh.
Spencer says, “Ry, can I just,” and Ryan groans, “Yes, yes, please.”
Ryan arches off the bed and lets Spencer pull his jeans (still skinny, girl jeans; some things never change) off his hips, down past his thighs and he leaves them on the floor with Ryan’s shirt. Spencer says, “Move,” and Ryan moves up the bed, falling back into the pillows and pulling Spencer with him, pulling Spencer’s shirt over his head and trailing his fingers down Spencer’s chest, over his sides and stopping at his hips, watching Spencer as his breathing speeds up, blood thrumming through his veins under Ryan’s fingertips.
Spencer leans down and kisses him, reaching over to the bedside table for lube. (It’s regular; they’ve learned their lesson. Sage is great and all, but Ryan went through hell with the pregnancy.) Ryan says, “Just - Spence, please.” Spencer slicks lube over his cock and leans foreword, pushing in. Ryan groans, eyes tightly shut, breathing deeply. Spencer groans, setting his teeth to Ryan’s shoulder and biting down, just enough to draw a gasp from Ryan’s throat. Ryan grinds up against him and Spencer jerks back, biting his lip. He grasps Ryan’s wrists and pins them above his head, pulling back and slamming in, again, harder, again, faster.
Ryan gasps, “Oh god,” back arching off the bed and Spencer fucks him harder, back against the headboard and he hisses, “Spence, we have to - Sage,” and Spencer jerks foreword, says, “I know, I know. Sorry.” Ryan lifts up and bites Spencer’s lip, getting his attention, and Spencer leans down and kisses him, Ryan trembling under him.
Spencer adjusts his grip on Ryan’s wrists and Ryan curls his fingers, thrusting back against Spencer and moaning his name. Spencer doesn’t even have to touch him; he just gets off on having his ass fucked, and Spencer laughs at him, breathless, face pressed into Ryan’s neck. Ryan says, “Come on, hurry,” and Spencer thrusts in a few more times, shallow, and he comes.
Ryan breathes against him for a few seconds, and Spencer releases his wrists. Ryan pulls his arms down and curls his fingers against Spencer’s back until Spencer rolls off of him and Ryan slides out of bed, pulling on his jeans. He says, “I have to - I’ve got to go back now.” Still shaking, he stumbles out the door and down the hallway to the guest bedroom where he’d told Sage he’d be sleeping.
To the empty bed, Spencer says, “Okay.”
-
He wakes up and sleepily makes his way down to the kitchen where Sage is sitting at the table, fisting spoonfuls of Froot Loops into her mouth, singing between mouthfuls, “Boys will be boys,” over and over. Spencer has his back turned, leaning over the sink and running water; he has the telephone pressed between his ear and his shoulder, speaking softly so Sage won’t hear.
Ryan ruffles Sage’s hair, tells her not to talk with her mouth full, and leans against Spencer, listening to his conversation. Spencer almost (almost) jumps, startled, and he says into the phone, “Oh, well, he’s awake now.” Ryan makes grabby hands at the phone and Spencer hands it over, laughing.
Ryan breathes, “Hi,” into the phone, a smile blooming across his face.
On the other line, all the way in Chicago, sitting with Jon and Pete and William, Brendon laughs and says, “Hey, Ross.”
Sage seems to notice the phone now that Ryan is awake and she jumps from her chair, running over to him and pulling on his arm. She says, “Let me talk! I wanna talk!” and Ryan says, “Wait, wait,” Then, to Brendon, “When will you be back?”
Brendon laughs again and says, “You’re hopeless without me, you know?” Ryan frowns and Brendon can sense it, so he says, “I love you, `kay? I’ll be home tomorrow.”
Ryan blushes into the phone and says, “Love you too.”
Brendon says, “Okay, let me talk to Sage.”
Ryan hands the phone down to Sage and she squeals happily, running back over to the table and climbing into her chair, the phone already pressed to her ear, talking as fast as the words will come out of her mouth. Spencer dries his hands on a towel and comes up behind Ryan. He says, “She’s been talking about him all morning.”
Ryan nods, staring at Sage, still rambling into the phone. He says, “She’s not the only one.”
-
“Jon,” Ryan says. “He won’t answer his phone.” If he sounds insanely desperate, Jon doesn’t laugh at him.
Jon says, “Ryan. Ryan, he’s on a plane. He can’t - he’s coming home.”
It’s hours later when Brendon gets there, coming through the front door with his suitcase and grinning, eyes bright. But then he sees them - Sage asleep on the sofa, covered in blankets, and Ryan sitting next to her looking like he could start crying at any second. Ryan shakily says, “Sage is sick.” and Brendon drops his bag.
-
It’s just a cold - nothing serious. It’s just some coughing and sneezing and should be gone in two or three days, but Ryan doesn’t take these things too well. “She’ll be fine,” Cameron says to him over the phone. Over the years, she’d learned almost everything about him and she’s Sage’s favorite doctor (of course). Ryan believes her, and by the time he hangs up the phone, he feels a lot better.
Brendon comes into the room and sits next to him on the sofa, automatically throwing an arm around Ryan’s shoulders and pulling him close. He says, “She’s asleep. The fever’s almost gone.”
Ryan leans against him and cries.
-
2. I’m willing to take my chances;
Spencer’s grandmother is the only person outside of the Fueled By Ramen label that knows where Sage came from. She’d given them their very first practice space and she’d pointed them in the right direction when things had been rough and she’d been there for them when no one else was. So, when she’d asked, it wasn’t like Ryan could lie to her.
Spencer had blushed for hours, of course, because his grandmother was also the only person outside the FBR label to know that he wasn’t really dating Hayley. She’d supported them, though, and the next time Ryan went to see House (Cameron; House still avoided him) he brought Spencer’s grandmother with him so she could talk to the doctors and see the records.
Needless to say, she’s Sage’s favorite almost-relative.
-
“How is she?” Spencer asks through the phone. In the background, Ryan can hear screaming children and barking dogs. Spencer’s on vacation with his family.
“She’s better,” Ryan says, “No fever today.”
Across the room, with a bag-full of bubblegum between them, Brendon is trying to teach Sage how to blow bubbles. It isn’t working too well, though, because she keeps spitting wads of bubblegum across the room, resulting in loud giggles and Brendon having to fly across the room to pull the bubblegum up before it gets a chance to stick to Ryan’s carpet. Ryan’s pretty sure Sage is doing it on purpose, now.
“Good,” Spencer says. Ryan can hear his smile. “I’ll be back in a few days, and Jon’s coming in this weekend so we can start writing. Will that work for you?”
Ryan gets a thrill low in his stomach, something twisting there and nestling in for a long stay. He can’t help the grin that spreads across his face, and he breathes, “Yeah, of course.” into the phone.
-
When Jon arrives from the airport on Saturday, Brendon is out in the front yard, chasing Sage with the water hose while Ryan watches from the front window. Spotting the cab, Sage runs over to the fence (“You’re so cliché,” Brendon told him. “What? I am not,” Ryan said as they watched the landscapers put up the white picket fence.) and squeals, “Uncle Jon!”
Brendon squirts her again, laughing, breathless, and she screams, high pitched and laughing, and she runs in a circle around him until Jon is in the yard. She runs over to him and hides behind his legs, peeking out and giggling at Brendon, who is looking around clueless as if he can’t find her. Jon twists and catches her, pulls her up in front of him and yells, “Hey, Bren! Found her!” Brendon shoots the hose at both of them, successfully soaking Jon and making Sage yell and kick, screaming.
Ryan opens the front door and says, “Brendon, stop playing and get Jon’s bags from the cab. You’re wasting money.” Brendon pouts, but shuts off the water anyway, and then he goes to the cab and gathers Jon’s bag, paying the fare and turning back to the house. Jon sets Sage down and she goes running to Ryan, laughing, and he has a towel waiting for her. She runs off down the hallway and Ryan says, “Hang your bathing suit up, okay?”
He goes to get a towel for Jon and when he comes back, Jon is standing sheepishly on the front porch. Soaking wet and smelling like coffee, Ryan hugs him.
-
When Spencer arrives, late that night, looking exhausted from the time spent with his family, Jon is sleeping quietly on the sofa with Sage sprawled across his chest, head tucked under his chin, eyes closed. He says, “Looks like you wore them out,”
Ryan shrugs, helping Spencer carry his bags to one of the guest bedrooms where Jon’s bags are already stashed. “That was Brendon’s fault,” Ryan says. Then, “Are you just here tonight?”
Spencer shrugs, tired. He says, “A few days, maybe. Just until Sage gets tired of me.”
“Great,” Ryan says, grinning. “Guess you’re never leaving.”
Exhausted, Brendon pokes his head into the room and says, “See you in the morning? Don’t do anything drastic before coffee. I don’t want to miss it.”
Spencer says, “Got it.”
-
3. she’s the flower that you place on my casket;
The cabin is like a death trap for Ryan. Sure, it’s nice to be secluded and to get the chance to sit down, relax, and write some lyrics, but. But, with Sage and Brendon and a mountain with high ledges and drop-offs, he’s pretty sure he’s going to have a heart attack before they leave.
-
“Don’t let her - oh god, Bren, don’t. Don’t let her get that close to the edge.” Ryan says, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth, caught between letting Brendon take care of things and going to save his only child.
“Chill, Ross,” Jon says soothingly, letting his hand come to rest on Ryan’s shoulder. “They’re like twenty feet back. He won’t let her fall.”
Ryan nods, shaking, and says, “Yeah, you’re right.”
Sage turns and takes off running, and Ryan’s heart jumps into his throat and he’s sure he’s about to lose his lunch, but then he realizes she’s just running to him and he clams down considerably. He leans down and catches her in his arms, pulls her up and holds her close, listening to her talk. She yelps, “I saw a goat!” and Ryan raises an eyebrow, looking to Brendon for confirmation.
Brendon says, “She knows what she saw,” and he looks just as happy as Sage. When Brendon is inside and the door is closed, Ryan instructs, “Bolt that door. I don’t want her getting out.”
Jon chains the door and then Ryan proceeds to go through the whole cabin, making sure all the doors and windows are locked tight.
-
“Hey,” Ryan whispers, finally coming into the room after getting Sage to sleep. Brendon blearily opens his eyes and peers at him, watching Ryan strip to his boxers and climb into bed. Brendon stretches his arms out and Ryan falls against him, pulling himself flush against Brendon and hesitantly leaning in to kiss him. Brendon tilts his head, fingers on Ryan’s jaw.
Brendon says, “Can we?”
Ryan pauses, listening, fingers hot on Brendon’s chest. He breathes, “Yeah, I think we’ll be fine.”
Brendon grins, pulling Ryan down and kissing him again, just a press of lips until Ryan smiles into the kiss, Brendon stroking his thumb across Ryan’s cheek, moaning and licking into Ryan’s mouth. Brendon rolls them over, getting Ryan beneath him and pressing a knee between Ryan’s thighs, pushing his legs apart and slipping his fingers beneath the waistband of Ryan’s boxers. Brendon says, “Did you - ” and Ryan breathes, “Yeah, in my bag.”
Brendon slips from the bed, dragging Ryan’s boxers down as he goes, and he digs around in Ryan’s bag. He says, “Fuck,” and finally finds the bottle in the front pocket, enough lube for the entire month at the cabin (hopefully; he’s sure Spencer brought some, too, and Pete probably slipped some into Jon’s bag at the airport, leaving Chicago). He crawls back onto the bed and Ryan is hard, cock full and flushed.
Ryan arches his hips up and grabs Brendon’s wrist, pulls until Brendon falls foreword enough for Ryan to push fingers into his boxers, slips them down Brendon’s thighs as much as he can and then he lets Brendon kick them off. Brendon leans over him, grinds down against Ryan until Ryan gasps, arching up into it. Letting out a strangled moan, Brendon grabs Ryan’s hand and squirts lube into his palm.
“Here,” Brendon says softly, spreading the lube over Ryan’s fingers. “Finger yourself. I wanna watch you.” His eyes are dark, intent, lips swollen. Ryan hesitates, biting his lip, but Brendon’s stare never falters so he slips his fingers down, over his cock and then further back. He slips one finger in, eyes closed, and gasps a quiet, “Oh.” Brendon bites his lip and Ryan slips in another finger, gently thrusting them in and out, breathing quick and shallow.
Ryan opens his eyes and gazes darkly up at Brendon, slipping in a third finger and gasping, arching off the bed and pushing back onto his own fingers. Brendon’s fingers twitch restlessly, and he spreads the leftover lube over his cock, groaning. He pushes Ryan’s hand away and his fingers slip out. Ryan whimpers, suddenly left empty, and Brendon breathes, “Now?”
Brendon presses the head of his cock up close, right there, and Ryan gasps, “Now, yeah, please.” Brendon thrusts in hard and Ryan groans, arching up and pushing back onto Brendon’s cock. Brendon pauses, leaning foreword to set his teeth to Ryan’s collarbone, sharp and defined, his teeth almost drawing blood. Ryan moans, fingers clenching at Brendon’s skin, and he hisses, “Move.”
Brendon shifts his weight, hands braced by Ryan’s hips, and he pulls back, slams in hard. Ryan tangles his fingers in Brendon’s hair and pulls him down, kisses him hard and grinds back onto Brendon’s cock, a low, strangled moan escaping from his throat. Brendon pulls back, sucking Ryan’s lower lip between his teeth, then moving his lips to Ryan’s jaw and down, over his neck and across his shoulder.
Ryan says, “Bren, please, oh god,” and his hands clench in the sheets, his back arching off the bed, his lips swollen and he’s so hard, heat pooling low in his stomach like fire. He groans, “Fuck,” and Brendon slams in harder, fucking him raw, open, stretched so nicely. He knows he’s going to feel it tomorrow - doesn’t even care. He whines low in his throat, “Oh god.”
Brendon slips one hand down to Ryan’s cock, flushed and leaking, and he slams in, harder, faster, deeper, his back bowing under the force. He moans, says, “Fuck, Ry,” and Ryan comes, spilling over Brendon’s fist and tightening around him, and Brendon comes too, lodged deep.
He collapses and buries his nose in Ryan’s neck, breathing deep. When he can feel all his muscles again, he groans and pulls out (Ryan gasps), rolling over next to Ryan and closing his eyes, chest heaving, his thumb tracing patters over Ryan’s wrist. Into the silence, Ryan laughs softly and says, “God, love that,” and Brendon looks over at him and grins. Ryan amends, “Love you.”
Brendon rolls and smiles against his neck. “Love you, too.”
-
He wakes up and he’s alone in bed, which is weird because Brendon usually sleeps through most of the morning while Ryan watches him until Sage comes and gets him for breakfast. He gingerly steps out of bed, achy and tired, and slips on a pair of pajama pants that are spilling out of his bag. The shower across the hall is running so he slips into the bathroom because he knows it’s Brendon.
The shower curtain is only half closed and Brendon is sitting in the bottom of the tub with the spray angled down on him. When he sees Ryan, he leans away and looks up at him, grinning sheepishly. He says, “I was feeling lazy today.”
“You’re lazy every day,” Ryan tells him, but his voice is still rough from sleep so there’s no venom behind it.
Brendon says, “Get in with me?” and Ryan nods, leaning back to lock the door then shucking his pants and stepping in, sitting between Brendon’s legs and leaning back against his chest. Brendon lifts his foot and kicks the switch and the drain closes, so the tub starts to fill and he laughs at himself. “Bath time,” he murmurs wetly against Ryan’s neck.
He leans around Ryan for the shampoo and squirts a liberal amount into his palm. Ryan tilts his head back and Brendon laces his fingers through Ryan’s hair, working it to a lather. Ryan sighs softly, eyes closed, and says, “What are you doing up so early?”
He bites back a moan as Brendon’s fingers slip from his hair and down his back, lower. Brendon laughs, “It’s not early. It’s almost noon.” Ryan relaxes against him more and Brendon adds, “Sage woke me around seven for breakfast; I thought I’d let you sleep.” Ryan nods, murmurs his thanks, and Brendon leans them under the spray so he can rinse Ryan’s hair.
Brendon trails his hand across Ryan’s shoulder, down his arm and over his hip. Ryan’s hard, but not painfully so, just enough to where he could be. Brendon grips his cock and jerks him off, quick and messy, and Ryan leans out from under the water, looking over his shoulder at Brendon, eyes soft through his dripping bangs. He tilts his head back and Brendon kisses him, water dripping off the end of his nose and sliding down Ryan’s cheek, falling and plummeting into the pool below.
Brendon murmurs against his lips, “Come on, let’s get out. Spence is making waffles.”
They stumble to their feet and Ryan kisses him again, smiling against Brendon’s lips, happy and sated. He jerks Brendon off, quick, and then they share a towel and go across the hall to get ready for the day.
-
When they finally arrive downstairs, Spencer is plating waffles (and a grilled cheese for Sage, because it’s lunch time and she wants something different.) and Jon looks at Ryan, says, “He wear you out last night?” and grins.
Ryan shrugs, grinning and not even blushing. Sage looks over her shoulder at them and happily says, “Hi, Daddy!” They both wave and then laugh at themselves, and Jon laughs at them, too, because how can he not?
Spencer does his best to ignore them, and mostly fails.
-
“What?” Ryan asks, still smiling. There’s a distant clatter of feet on the stairs as Sage goes searching for something to occupy her and Brendon follows, not far behind. Spencer is staring at him from the sofa. He sits down and bumps shoulder with Spencer, grin melting into a frown. “Hey, what’s wrong?”
Spencer looks at him for a long time.
He finally says, “We’re never going to get anything done with you and Brendon fucking like this.”
Ryan stares at him, caught between anger and surprise. He finally stutters out, “What? Are you - are you jealous?” He isn’t mad, just - fucking surprised. He didn’t think Spencer was. He’s still staring at Spencer but Spencer won’t meet his eyes. He says, “Spence, look. I - it’s just the first day here. This isn’t. I love you. You know that, right?”
Spencer says, “Yeah,” and they don’t talk about it again.
-
4. that’s the very moment that I wish that I could take back;
Outside the cabin, there is a stray cat, and Sage seems to think it’s the most amusing thing in the world. Staring out the door at it, Jon says, “I don’t think Dylan will be happy about this.” It’s raining, and Sage is sitting on the front porch, tickling the cat under its chin and giggling while it purrs.
She looks up at him and says, “Dylan isn’t here.”
Jon frowns.
“Sage,” Ryan calls, turning the corner into the front hallway and standing just behind Jon, watching her. “You’re going to get sick. Come inside.”
Sage’s face drops and she says, “But the kitty’s out here!” She doesn’t make a move to come into the cabin.
Ryan says, “Well, it’s going to stay there.” Sage looks like she might cry. Ryan turns and yells up the stairs, “Brendon!”
Brendon rushes down and Ryan rolls his eyes, nodding in the direction of the door. Brendon looks outside and lights up, says, “Kitty!” and runs to kneel beside Sage, letting the cat roll onto its back so he can pet its belly. Ryan stares, says, “That’s not what I meant - ” and Brendon turns to look at him, asks, “Can we keep it? Please, Ry?”
Ryan says, “No.”
He says, “No way.”
He says, “We’re not keeping it.”
-
Sage names the cat ‘Kitty’ because that’s what Brendon keeps calling it. Ryan isn’t happy about it; Shotgun and Hobo keep trying to chase it, and he swears, if that cat puts one mark on either of his dogs -
Brendon crawls onto the sofa and sprawls on top of him, nuzzling against his neck and sighing tiredly. He murmurs, “Sage finally fell asleep.” and whines pitifully into Ryan’s skin. Ryan lifts a hand and plays with Brendon’s hair, running fingers through and lightly scraping his nails over Brendon’s neck. Brendon’s breathing evens out and then he’s deadweight, completely asleep and Ryan’s stuck. He settles back into the cushions, but then Spencer walks in.
He stands there for a minute, staring at them. It’s late - the room is dark except for the overhead light and Spencer looks tired, ready for sleep. He finally asks, “Are you going upstairs?”
Ryan thinks for a second, then nods and whispers into Brendon’s ear until he wakes up. Brendon groans in protest but doesn’t fight, just stands unsteadily and lets Ryan lead him to the stairs. In the doorway, Ryan stops and looks at Spencer, leans in and kisses him, short and quick, then he sighs and gets Brendon up the stairs without incident.
Spencer stands there for a long time before going to bed.
-
They’re sitting in a room surrounded by instruments and it’s completely quiet except for Ryan’s voice. Sage is sitting quietly across the room, away from the piano, writing words on her pad of paper. Ryan says, “We’ve got three full lyrics, two unfinished sets, some lines that I wrote a few days ago, and music for one song.” It’s quiet, after, while everyone thinks of what to say, what to do.
Brendon finally says, “Well. Let’s get to work, then.”
And so they do.
-
The thing about having Sage in the cabin with them is she likes to make up her own music, which makes things somewhat easier for the songwriting process. It’s their fifth album, and he’s actually surprised Pete isn’t constantly texting him, asking what’s happening. Pete always has to be first to know. Leaning over a new sheet of lyrics, Ryan offhandedly says, “This might be our last album.”
He doesn’t mean it - he was just saying it because he wanted the lyrics to have that flavor where they would be good enough to be encore album lyrics. But Brendon stares at him and Spencer isn’t sure what to think. Jon, though - he says, “Is that what you want?”
Ryan isn’t sure what he wants.
-
No one brings it up again, and for that he’s grateful.
-
Until, Brendon says, “Do you think that would be best for Sage?”
He’s peering at Ryan over a bowl of Frosted Flakes. Ryan’s still half asleep, so he asks, “What?”
Brendon is wide awake, bright-eyed and energetic already. He says, “If this is our last album.”
Ryan doesn’t answer and Brendon knows how he feels.
-
5. sometimes I wonder why I’m even here at all;
On the car ride back to Vegas, Pete calls him and says, “You’re doing the right thing.”
Ryan tells him, “It doesn’t feel like it,” and the rest of their conversation is silent, though they both hear the words.
-
Sage sits at the table, holding plain spaghetti noodles above her open mouth and dropping them, but she’s mostly just missing and the noodle splays across her face, resulting in a fit of giggles that has Ryan exhausted, and he’s trying to shoo the dogs away to keep them from eating the noodles that don’t even land anywhere near Sage’s face.
In the living room, Pete is sitting with Brendon and William, loudly telling a story about a photo shoot that resulted in Travis sucking his dick in the bathroom. Ryan really just hopes Sage is occupied enough with her food and isn’t listening to Pete. He wanders into the living room and sinks onto the sofa beside Pete, leaning over against Pete’s shoulder. He murmurs, “Someone shoot me now.”
Pete says, “You’ll still be signed, so if you decide to keep going in a few years, it’ll still be great, you know. You can’t get rid of us that easy.” From the corner of the room, Patrick looks up from his book.
“We’re not breaking up,” Brendon says. “The band, I mean.”
“Yeah,” Ryan says. “It’s not like that.” Sage runs into the room, grinning, and she runs over to Ryan and climbs into his lap. He says, “It’s all for Sage, anyway.”
Looking at him, Sage says, “Who, me?”
“Yes,” Ryan says, smiling sadly. “All for you, kid.”
Sage looks at him for a long time, quiet, and he thinks she’s about to say something about how sad he looks, but then her face suddenly brightens and she asks, “Where’s Uncle Spence?”
He’s been avoiding them all day, but Ryan doesn’t want to say that. Instead, Pete stands up, stretches, says, “I’ll go get him.”
-
Spencer is hiding in the back yard, bent inside one of Sage’s plastic castle jungle gyms. He’s not hiding (he won’t admit it), just trying to stay away from everyone. Avoid everyone. Pete bends down and peers at him through the doorway. He says, “You’re in love with Ross.” Spencer shoots him a look, and Pete laughs. He says, “Can I come it?”
Spencer says, “Shut the fuck up,” but moves over and makes room for Pete to fit, even though, really, there’s barely enough room for one of them. Pete folds himself in and sits across from Spencer, staring him down. Spencer finally says, “What did you really come out here for?”
Pete says, “Sage was looking for you,” and then, “But we have to talk before you leave.” Pete is rarely serious, so Spencer stays quiet and lets him talk. “You’re killing Ryan with all this jealous bullshit. You’re his best friend, and he’s in love with Brendon, even if it started because of Sage. You need to suck it up and deal because if you knew what he looked like right now, like he’d really like to cry because he’s so tired of dealing with shit, you’d stop being a bitch in a heartbeat.”
Spencer doesn’t know what to say.
“Look,” Pete says. “I know you guys. I know you’re not mad about the album thing. I know you want what’s best for Sage.” Spencer won’t meet his eyes. “You’re supposed to be the rational one here,” Pete tells him, finally grinning. “I’m the idiot, okay? That’s my job. So go in there and make things right, or I’m gonna bring you back to Chicago and let Gabe straighten you out.”
Spencer laughs, says, “Right, Gabe make me straight? That could never happen.”
-
Sage runs over to him as soon as he gets inside the house. She yelps, “Daddy’s trying to make me go to bed!” Then, “Wanna read me a story?” He’s never been able to tell her no, so he follows her to her bedroom and reads her three stories until she falls asleep. Ryan is waiting outside the bedroom door when Spencer comes out, and he’s pretty sure this has nothing to do with Pete. Ryan still has a little fight left in him.
Ryan says, “You’re an asshole.”
His voice is soft and he’s looking up at Spencer through his eyelashes, and his words are true, so Spencer says, “Yeah, I am. I’m sorry.” Ryan hugs him, face buried in Spencer’s neck, and Spencer laughs, says, “I think some of those hormones never wore off.”
Ryan mutters, “Shut up,” and when he doesn’t laugh, Spencer pulls him closer and sighs. Brendon pokes his head around the corner and says, “Hey,” Ryan peeks up at him and Spencer can feel Ryan’s soft smile against his skin.
“Hi,” Ryan says, and when Brendon is close enough, he squirms from Spencer’s grip and lets Brendon hang on him, Brendon’s arms around his waist, his chin on Ryan’s shoulder. Ryan smiles sleepily at him and Spencer can’t help but smile back.
Brendon nips at Ryan’s neck and says, “You should come to bed with us.”
Ryan’s smile never falters; Spencer says, “What about Sage?”
Smiling, Brendon says, “It’ll be fine. Bill’s gonna take care of her tonight. She probably won’t wake up, anyway. The weather’s pretty much perfect.”
Spencer’s breath catches in his throat. He chokes out, “What about Jon?”
Ryan closes his eyes, leans back and kisses the corner of Brendon’s mouth. Brendon says, “Are you backing out?”
Spencer says, “Fuck no.”
-
6. the pedestal is high enough to fall;
William says, “Man, you look like shit.” He probably does, since Spencer fucked him and Brendon fucked him and now it’s barely seven in the morning. He shrugs, then winces, and goes into the kitchen to make Sage breakfast. She comes running in a few minutes later, hair disheveled and face still pale from sleep. She climbs onto a barstool and watches Ryan make waffles (Spencer’s recipe).
She says, “Daddy?” and he ‘hmm’s to show he’s listening. She asks, “How much do you love me?”
Ryan sighs and turns off the stove, leaving a stack of waffles on a plate and turning to look at Sage. He walks foreword, around the bar, and he snatches her off the stool, hugging her close and tickling her sides. She squeals, kicking and screaming and laughing, and he laughs with her until he’s breathless too. He sets her on her feet and he kneels down, eyelevel with her.
He pokes her lightly in the stomach and he says, “This much.”
A while later when Sage is eating her waffles, Brendon wanders in looking only slightly better than Ryan. Sage glances at him and asks, “How much do you love me?”
Brendon stares at her for a few moments, startled by the sudden question, and then he holds his arms out wide, grinning, and he says, “This much.”
She smiles and Brendon wanders over, pulling Ryan against him and kissing his neck, grinning. Pete walks in with an empty coffee mug, and as he’s going for the coffee pot, Sage asks, “Uncle Pete, how much do you love me?”
Pete blinks, think about it for a second. He finally grins and says, “Enough to let your dad watch corny romance movies and cry over them without me making fun of him.”
Sage says, “Huh.” and Ryan laughs.
-
Getting into the car to go to the airport for a flight back to Chicago, Patrick stops and tells him, “It’s going to be really hard, just stopping. You’ll have to keep writing lyrics and playing music so you don’t just break down. Sage will need to hear it, too. You aren’t quitting.” Ryan nods, staring at the ground. They still have an album to release, so it’s not like he won’t have a year or two to think things over. “This will probably be our last album, too, Ryan.”
Ryan’s definitely surprised.
Patrick says, “Seven is enough for us, but that doesn’t mean Pete will stop being Pete. He’s still going to write lyrics and write music and he’s still going to be an asshole who doesn’t know his own limits and doesn’t care about anyone else’s.” Ryan grins, hair shielding his eyes, but Patrick catches it and he grins, too.
Pete yells, “Yo, Trick! The carriage is flying!”
Patrick comes close to rolling his eyes, but he resists because after being with Pete for so long, nothing should surprise him anymore. “Good luck,” He says.
Ryan says, “Thanks.”
-
Brendon’s lying on him, head pillowed on his chest, their legs tangled at the end of the sofa. Blue light from the television washes over them, the only light in the dark room. Ryan lazily runs fingers through Brendon’s hair, curling stands between his fingertips and every few minutes he pulls Brendon up for a kiss.
“I’m worried,” Ryan says into the silence, the TV muted as the credits roll, “that this will pull us apart.”
Brendon looks up at him through dark eyes. He says, “It won’t, Ry. Nothing can.”
“I don’t want this to be just about Sage,” Ryan sighs, blowing hair out of his eyes.
Brendon pushes himself up on his elbows. “This isn’t. I’m not here because of Sage. I mean, I am, but if we could do this all over again - ”
“Right,” Ryan says, smiling. “I love you, too.”
Author: fatal_overdose
Word Count: ~6,900
Rating: NC-17
Pairing: Spencer/Ryan/Brendon/Jon; Brendon/Ryan; sort of one-sided Spencer/Ryan.
Summary: "Don't do anything drastic before coffee. I don't want to miss it."
Disclaimer: Never happened; Don't own.
Notes: Not as long as the first one. Sorry guys; I tried.
Sequel to: How The Light Gets In
1. humor me before I have to go;
She isn’t afraid of the dark, just what it hides and the sounds that come from it. Nightmares don’t come to her very often, she mostly just can’t sleep for very long because she’s got Brendon’s blood thrumming through her veins and so, naturally, she can’t ever sit still. She’s used to waking up every night, now, and staring at the wall while she listens to the sounds the house makes. It’s only on nights with howling winds or thick fog that she really worries.
Tonight, the tree outside her bedroom window is moving, the shadows of long, boney fingers crawling through her window, towards her. She knows this is just a tree, and she knows this is just a trick of the moon (Brendon had sat with her one night, pointing through the window and whispering calming words. He’s always right and she always believes him) but it’ still scary because she is still a child.
She turns and slips from her bed, her feet hitting the floor with a dull thud, and she leaves the room, going down the hall and reaching up to turn the doorknob. They’re not asleep yet, just in that stage between dreams and reality. She goes to the foot of the bed, climbs on and crawls up between them.
It’s not weird to her - the two of them in bed together. She’s five years old and she gets these things, that boys like girls and girls like boys (she’s seen enough television shows, watched Moulin Rouge enough to sing along and say the script) but she also knows that Ryan likes Brendon and Brendon likes Ryan, and she hasn’t ever said anything about it, so they’ve never said anything, either.
They make room for her, right between them, and she wriggles under the sheets until she’s comfortable. Ryan murmurs, “Bad dream?” and she shakes her head because that’s not why she’s here.
Brendon says, “C’mere,” so she ducks down and curls up next to him, head tucked beneath his chin. He asks, “Do you need a story?” She shakes her head to that, too, because all she wants is the contact. They’re all silent after that, and she sleeps easily for the rest of the night.
-
“Don’t freak out,” Spencer says.
“What if she doesn’t like it?” Ryan asks, exasperated, into the phone.
“She isn’t even going with you,” Spencer points out. “You’re just going for books.”
Touring with Sage isn’t easy; writing a new record is even worse. After Sage was born, the first tour was easy because Fall Out Boy was taking a break to write yet another album, so Patrick offered to babysit and follow Panic! around, and he also promised not to let Pete anywhere near the baby. The second big tour, for the third album when Sage was three, wasn’t as easy as the first time. Patrick was busy recording with Gym Class and William was with the Academy in Europe, so Pete was the only option.
Now, with Sage old enough to sit around on the bus and wander around in the dressing rooms, she’d be touring with them, but the problem was, she was at the age where she needed to start school.
“I hated it, Spence,” Ryan says quietly into the phone.
Spencer sighs. “It’ll be different, Ry. You know it will be. She’s - you’re smart, you can handle this. It’s easy, just kindergarten stuff. ABCs, numbers, spelling the word ‘cat’. You’ll be fine.”
Ryan isn’t so sure about it.
-
When Ryan gets back, carrying six textbooks and some papers, Brendon is sitting on the sofa watching The OC and Sage is sitting on the floor with a pad of paper and a crayon, the telephone tucked between her ear and her shoulder. Ryan quietly sets the books down and looks at Brendon. He asks, “Who is she talking to?”
Brendon shrugs. “I dunno. She’s been on the phone with like five different people.” Ryan looks like he’s about to say something about calling fucking China, so Brendon rolls his eyes and says, “It’s Bill.” Ryan steps closer, and on the pad of paper, the ABCs are written across the top in Brendon’s handwriting, and the rest of the page is filled with Sage’s scribbled words, mostly her name or Ryan’s or Brendon’s or the words ‘music’ and ‘piano’. He looks back over at Brendon and Brendon says, “Spence said you were freaking out, so I decided to do something about it.”
Halting her conversation with William, Sage looks up and her eyes brighten immediately when she sees him. She jumps up and grabs his sleeve, pulling, saying, “Daddy, Daddy, look!” It’s something Ryan’s gotten used to - being called Daddy - and it’s nice, even though the first time Brendon cooed to Sage, ‘Say Daddy!’ Ryan had been worried that he wouldn’t be able to handle the title.
He bends down and she writes his name across the paper, letters curved from memory. She grins up at him, eyes bright, and says, “I did it, right?”
Ryan doesn’t know why he was ever worried.
-
It was a silent agreement to live together when Sage was born. Brendon never left Ryan’s house and started gradually moving his clothes and video games over after a few weeks. No one really said anything about it, because if anyone had asked them, they would’ve both said it was just for Sage, and also a little for Ryan because he really just couldn’t take care of a baby by himself.
If you asked Spencer, he’d just tell you that Ryan was really a little bit in love with Brendon.
If you asked Spencer, he’d just tell you the truth.
-
“Call me when you get there,” Ryan says, reaching out to brush invisible lint from his jacket. Brendon nods; they’ve gone over this. “Patrick said he had a CD for Sage. Make sure you get it from him, okay? And don’t let Pete keep you too long.”
Brendon says, “I’ll miss you, too.” It’ll only be two days (three if Pete insists that Brendon and Travis have a three-hour-long discussion on music videos over lunch again) but it’s always hard, letting Brendon leave. Sage steps up and holds her hands above her head, making grabby hands at him, and he picks her up, holds her close. She giggles and he says, “I’ll miss you too, kid.”
Ryan wants to kiss him, but he can’t - not here - so he settles for, “Hurry, okay?”
Brendon nods and sets Sage back on her feet. She steps back and takes Ryan’s hand, still grinning up at Brendon. Brendon shuffles for a second, glancing around, and then he leans in and hugs Ryan, quick. He pulls back and picks up his bags. He says, “Stay with Spence while I’m gone, okay?”
He turns and walks away.
-
Watching Sage play with a marble tower on the floor, he answers the telephone without glancing down to see who’s calling. From the other line, Spencer says, “Stop being a jerk and come over.”
-
“I can’t stay in here tonight,” Ryan says, voice drifting off into a low moan. “She won’t know where I am.”
“I know, just,” Spencer breathes, moving lower, nipping at Ryan’s collarbone. Ryan arches against him and Spencer groans. “Bed?”
Ryan nods, pushing off the wall and stumbling across the room, Spencer’s arm around his waist, keeping them from stumbling. He falls back onto the bed and Spencer lands above him, breathing heavy, hot on his skin. Spencer pushes his shirt up, away, and Ryan squirms out of it, dropping it to the floor, hissing through his teeth when Spencer slides down the bed and works at the button on his jeans, free hand hot on his thigh.
Spencer says, “Ry, can I just,” and Ryan groans, “Yes, yes, please.”
Ryan arches off the bed and lets Spencer pull his jeans (still skinny, girl jeans; some things never change) off his hips, down past his thighs and he leaves them on the floor with Ryan’s shirt. Spencer says, “Move,” and Ryan moves up the bed, falling back into the pillows and pulling Spencer with him, pulling Spencer’s shirt over his head and trailing his fingers down Spencer’s chest, over his sides and stopping at his hips, watching Spencer as his breathing speeds up, blood thrumming through his veins under Ryan’s fingertips.
Spencer leans down and kisses him, reaching over to the bedside table for lube. (It’s regular; they’ve learned their lesson. Sage is great and all, but Ryan went through hell with the pregnancy.) Ryan says, “Just - Spence, please.” Spencer slicks lube over his cock and leans foreword, pushing in. Ryan groans, eyes tightly shut, breathing deeply. Spencer groans, setting his teeth to Ryan’s shoulder and biting down, just enough to draw a gasp from Ryan’s throat. Ryan grinds up against him and Spencer jerks back, biting his lip. He grasps Ryan’s wrists and pins them above his head, pulling back and slamming in, again, harder, again, faster.
Ryan gasps, “Oh god,” back arching off the bed and Spencer fucks him harder, back against the headboard and he hisses, “Spence, we have to - Sage,” and Spencer jerks foreword, says, “I know, I know. Sorry.” Ryan lifts up and bites Spencer’s lip, getting his attention, and Spencer leans down and kisses him, Ryan trembling under him.
Spencer adjusts his grip on Ryan’s wrists and Ryan curls his fingers, thrusting back against Spencer and moaning his name. Spencer doesn’t even have to touch him; he just gets off on having his ass fucked, and Spencer laughs at him, breathless, face pressed into Ryan’s neck. Ryan says, “Come on, hurry,” and Spencer thrusts in a few more times, shallow, and he comes.
Ryan breathes against him for a few seconds, and Spencer releases his wrists. Ryan pulls his arms down and curls his fingers against Spencer’s back until Spencer rolls off of him and Ryan slides out of bed, pulling on his jeans. He says, “I have to - I’ve got to go back now.” Still shaking, he stumbles out the door and down the hallway to the guest bedroom where he’d told Sage he’d be sleeping.
To the empty bed, Spencer says, “Okay.”
-
He wakes up and sleepily makes his way down to the kitchen where Sage is sitting at the table, fisting spoonfuls of Froot Loops into her mouth, singing between mouthfuls, “Boys will be boys,” over and over. Spencer has his back turned, leaning over the sink and running water; he has the telephone pressed between his ear and his shoulder, speaking softly so Sage won’t hear.
Ryan ruffles Sage’s hair, tells her not to talk with her mouth full, and leans against Spencer, listening to his conversation. Spencer almost (almost) jumps, startled, and he says into the phone, “Oh, well, he’s awake now.” Ryan makes grabby hands at the phone and Spencer hands it over, laughing.
Ryan breathes, “Hi,” into the phone, a smile blooming across his face.
On the other line, all the way in Chicago, sitting with Jon and Pete and William, Brendon laughs and says, “Hey, Ross.”
Sage seems to notice the phone now that Ryan is awake and she jumps from her chair, running over to him and pulling on his arm. She says, “Let me talk! I wanna talk!” and Ryan says, “Wait, wait,” Then, to Brendon, “When will you be back?”
Brendon laughs again and says, “You’re hopeless without me, you know?” Ryan frowns and Brendon can sense it, so he says, “I love you, `kay? I’ll be home tomorrow.”
Ryan blushes into the phone and says, “Love you too.”
Brendon says, “Okay, let me talk to Sage.”
Ryan hands the phone down to Sage and she squeals happily, running back over to the table and climbing into her chair, the phone already pressed to her ear, talking as fast as the words will come out of her mouth. Spencer dries his hands on a towel and comes up behind Ryan. He says, “She’s been talking about him all morning.”
Ryan nods, staring at Sage, still rambling into the phone. He says, “She’s not the only one.”
-
“Jon,” Ryan says. “He won’t answer his phone.” If he sounds insanely desperate, Jon doesn’t laugh at him.
Jon says, “Ryan. Ryan, he’s on a plane. He can’t - he’s coming home.”
It’s hours later when Brendon gets there, coming through the front door with his suitcase and grinning, eyes bright. But then he sees them - Sage asleep on the sofa, covered in blankets, and Ryan sitting next to her looking like he could start crying at any second. Ryan shakily says, “Sage is sick.” and Brendon drops his bag.
-
It’s just a cold - nothing serious. It’s just some coughing and sneezing and should be gone in two or three days, but Ryan doesn’t take these things too well. “She’ll be fine,” Cameron says to him over the phone. Over the years, she’d learned almost everything about him and she’s Sage’s favorite doctor (of course). Ryan believes her, and by the time he hangs up the phone, he feels a lot better.
Brendon comes into the room and sits next to him on the sofa, automatically throwing an arm around Ryan’s shoulders and pulling him close. He says, “She’s asleep. The fever’s almost gone.”
Ryan leans against him and cries.
-
2. I’m willing to take my chances;
Spencer’s grandmother is the only person outside of the Fueled By Ramen label that knows where Sage came from. She’d given them their very first practice space and she’d pointed them in the right direction when things had been rough and she’d been there for them when no one else was. So, when she’d asked, it wasn’t like Ryan could lie to her.
Spencer had blushed for hours, of course, because his grandmother was also the only person outside the FBR label to know that he wasn’t really dating Hayley. She’d supported them, though, and the next time Ryan went to see House (Cameron; House still avoided him) he brought Spencer’s grandmother with him so she could talk to the doctors and see the records.
Needless to say, she’s Sage’s favorite almost-relative.
-
“How is she?” Spencer asks through the phone. In the background, Ryan can hear screaming children and barking dogs. Spencer’s on vacation with his family.
“She’s better,” Ryan says, “No fever today.”
Across the room, with a bag-full of bubblegum between them, Brendon is trying to teach Sage how to blow bubbles. It isn’t working too well, though, because she keeps spitting wads of bubblegum across the room, resulting in loud giggles and Brendon having to fly across the room to pull the bubblegum up before it gets a chance to stick to Ryan’s carpet. Ryan’s pretty sure Sage is doing it on purpose, now.
“Good,” Spencer says. Ryan can hear his smile. “I’ll be back in a few days, and Jon’s coming in this weekend so we can start writing. Will that work for you?”
Ryan gets a thrill low in his stomach, something twisting there and nestling in for a long stay. He can’t help the grin that spreads across his face, and he breathes, “Yeah, of course.” into the phone.
-
When Jon arrives from the airport on Saturday, Brendon is out in the front yard, chasing Sage with the water hose while Ryan watches from the front window. Spotting the cab, Sage runs over to the fence (“You’re so cliché,” Brendon told him. “What? I am not,” Ryan said as they watched the landscapers put up the white picket fence.) and squeals, “Uncle Jon!”
Brendon squirts her again, laughing, breathless, and she screams, high pitched and laughing, and she runs in a circle around him until Jon is in the yard. She runs over to him and hides behind his legs, peeking out and giggling at Brendon, who is looking around clueless as if he can’t find her. Jon twists and catches her, pulls her up in front of him and yells, “Hey, Bren! Found her!” Brendon shoots the hose at both of them, successfully soaking Jon and making Sage yell and kick, screaming.
Ryan opens the front door and says, “Brendon, stop playing and get Jon’s bags from the cab. You’re wasting money.” Brendon pouts, but shuts off the water anyway, and then he goes to the cab and gathers Jon’s bag, paying the fare and turning back to the house. Jon sets Sage down and she goes running to Ryan, laughing, and he has a towel waiting for her. She runs off down the hallway and Ryan says, “Hang your bathing suit up, okay?”
He goes to get a towel for Jon and when he comes back, Jon is standing sheepishly on the front porch. Soaking wet and smelling like coffee, Ryan hugs him.
-
When Spencer arrives, late that night, looking exhausted from the time spent with his family, Jon is sleeping quietly on the sofa with Sage sprawled across his chest, head tucked under his chin, eyes closed. He says, “Looks like you wore them out,”
Ryan shrugs, helping Spencer carry his bags to one of the guest bedrooms where Jon’s bags are already stashed. “That was Brendon’s fault,” Ryan says. Then, “Are you just here tonight?”
Spencer shrugs, tired. He says, “A few days, maybe. Just until Sage gets tired of me.”
“Great,” Ryan says, grinning. “Guess you’re never leaving.”
Exhausted, Brendon pokes his head into the room and says, “See you in the morning? Don’t do anything drastic before coffee. I don’t want to miss it.”
Spencer says, “Got it.”
-
3. she’s the flower that you place on my casket;
The cabin is like a death trap for Ryan. Sure, it’s nice to be secluded and to get the chance to sit down, relax, and write some lyrics, but. But, with Sage and Brendon and a mountain with high ledges and drop-offs, he’s pretty sure he’s going to have a heart attack before they leave.
-
“Don’t let her - oh god, Bren, don’t. Don’t let her get that close to the edge.” Ryan says, worrying his bottom lip between his teeth, caught between letting Brendon take care of things and going to save his only child.
“Chill, Ross,” Jon says soothingly, letting his hand come to rest on Ryan’s shoulder. “They’re like twenty feet back. He won’t let her fall.”
Ryan nods, shaking, and says, “Yeah, you’re right.”
Sage turns and takes off running, and Ryan’s heart jumps into his throat and he’s sure he’s about to lose his lunch, but then he realizes she’s just running to him and he clams down considerably. He leans down and catches her in his arms, pulls her up and holds her close, listening to her talk. She yelps, “I saw a goat!” and Ryan raises an eyebrow, looking to Brendon for confirmation.
Brendon says, “She knows what she saw,” and he looks just as happy as Sage. When Brendon is inside and the door is closed, Ryan instructs, “Bolt that door. I don’t want her getting out.”
Jon chains the door and then Ryan proceeds to go through the whole cabin, making sure all the doors and windows are locked tight.
-
“Hey,” Ryan whispers, finally coming into the room after getting Sage to sleep. Brendon blearily opens his eyes and peers at him, watching Ryan strip to his boxers and climb into bed. Brendon stretches his arms out and Ryan falls against him, pulling himself flush against Brendon and hesitantly leaning in to kiss him. Brendon tilts his head, fingers on Ryan’s jaw.
Brendon says, “Can we?”
Ryan pauses, listening, fingers hot on Brendon’s chest. He breathes, “Yeah, I think we’ll be fine.”
Brendon grins, pulling Ryan down and kissing him again, just a press of lips until Ryan smiles into the kiss, Brendon stroking his thumb across Ryan’s cheek, moaning and licking into Ryan’s mouth. Brendon rolls them over, getting Ryan beneath him and pressing a knee between Ryan’s thighs, pushing his legs apart and slipping his fingers beneath the waistband of Ryan’s boxers. Brendon says, “Did you - ” and Ryan breathes, “Yeah, in my bag.”
Brendon slips from the bed, dragging Ryan’s boxers down as he goes, and he digs around in Ryan’s bag. He says, “Fuck,” and finally finds the bottle in the front pocket, enough lube for the entire month at the cabin (hopefully; he’s sure Spencer brought some, too, and Pete probably slipped some into Jon’s bag at the airport, leaving Chicago). He crawls back onto the bed and Ryan is hard, cock full and flushed.
Ryan arches his hips up and grabs Brendon’s wrist, pulls until Brendon falls foreword enough for Ryan to push fingers into his boxers, slips them down Brendon’s thighs as much as he can and then he lets Brendon kick them off. Brendon leans over him, grinds down against Ryan until Ryan gasps, arching up into it. Letting out a strangled moan, Brendon grabs Ryan’s hand and squirts lube into his palm.
“Here,” Brendon says softly, spreading the lube over Ryan’s fingers. “Finger yourself. I wanna watch you.” His eyes are dark, intent, lips swollen. Ryan hesitates, biting his lip, but Brendon’s stare never falters so he slips his fingers down, over his cock and then further back. He slips one finger in, eyes closed, and gasps a quiet, “Oh.” Brendon bites his lip and Ryan slips in another finger, gently thrusting them in and out, breathing quick and shallow.
Ryan opens his eyes and gazes darkly up at Brendon, slipping in a third finger and gasping, arching off the bed and pushing back onto his own fingers. Brendon’s fingers twitch restlessly, and he spreads the leftover lube over his cock, groaning. He pushes Ryan’s hand away and his fingers slip out. Ryan whimpers, suddenly left empty, and Brendon breathes, “Now?”
Brendon presses the head of his cock up close, right there, and Ryan gasps, “Now, yeah, please.” Brendon thrusts in hard and Ryan groans, arching up and pushing back onto Brendon’s cock. Brendon pauses, leaning foreword to set his teeth to Ryan’s collarbone, sharp and defined, his teeth almost drawing blood. Ryan moans, fingers clenching at Brendon’s skin, and he hisses, “Move.”
Brendon shifts his weight, hands braced by Ryan’s hips, and he pulls back, slams in hard. Ryan tangles his fingers in Brendon’s hair and pulls him down, kisses him hard and grinds back onto Brendon’s cock, a low, strangled moan escaping from his throat. Brendon pulls back, sucking Ryan’s lower lip between his teeth, then moving his lips to Ryan’s jaw and down, over his neck and across his shoulder.
Ryan says, “Bren, please, oh god,” and his hands clench in the sheets, his back arching off the bed, his lips swollen and he’s so hard, heat pooling low in his stomach like fire. He groans, “Fuck,” and Brendon slams in harder, fucking him raw, open, stretched so nicely. He knows he’s going to feel it tomorrow - doesn’t even care. He whines low in his throat, “Oh god.”
Brendon slips one hand down to Ryan’s cock, flushed and leaking, and he slams in, harder, faster, deeper, his back bowing under the force. He moans, says, “Fuck, Ry,” and Ryan comes, spilling over Brendon’s fist and tightening around him, and Brendon comes too, lodged deep.
He collapses and buries his nose in Ryan’s neck, breathing deep. When he can feel all his muscles again, he groans and pulls out (Ryan gasps), rolling over next to Ryan and closing his eyes, chest heaving, his thumb tracing patters over Ryan’s wrist. Into the silence, Ryan laughs softly and says, “God, love that,” and Brendon looks over at him and grins. Ryan amends, “Love you.”
Brendon rolls and smiles against his neck. “Love you, too.”
-
He wakes up and he’s alone in bed, which is weird because Brendon usually sleeps through most of the morning while Ryan watches him until Sage comes and gets him for breakfast. He gingerly steps out of bed, achy and tired, and slips on a pair of pajama pants that are spilling out of his bag. The shower across the hall is running so he slips into the bathroom because he knows it’s Brendon.
The shower curtain is only half closed and Brendon is sitting in the bottom of the tub with the spray angled down on him. When he sees Ryan, he leans away and looks up at him, grinning sheepishly. He says, “I was feeling lazy today.”
“You’re lazy every day,” Ryan tells him, but his voice is still rough from sleep so there’s no venom behind it.
Brendon says, “Get in with me?” and Ryan nods, leaning back to lock the door then shucking his pants and stepping in, sitting between Brendon’s legs and leaning back against his chest. Brendon lifts his foot and kicks the switch and the drain closes, so the tub starts to fill and he laughs at himself. “Bath time,” he murmurs wetly against Ryan’s neck.
He leans around Ryan for the shampoo and squirts a liberal amount into his palm. Ryan tilts his head back and Brendon laces his fingers through Ryan’s hair, working it to a lather. Ryan sighs softly, eyes closed, and says, “What are you doing up so early?”
He bites back a moan as Brendon’s fingers slip from his hair and down his back, lower. Brendon laughs, “It’s not early. It’s almost noon.” Ryan relaxes against him more and Brendon adds, “Sage woke me around seven for breakfast; I thought I’d let you sleep.” Ryan nods, murmurs his thanks, and Brendon leans them under the spray so he can rinse Ryan’s hair.
Brendon trails his hand across Ryan’s shoulder, down his arm and over his hip. Ryan’s hard, but not painfully so, just enough to where he could be. Brendon grips his cock and jerks him off, quick and messy, and Ryan leans out from under the water, looking over his shoulder at Brendon, eyes soft through his dripping bangs. He tilts his head back and Brendon kisses him, water dripping off the end of his nose and sliding down Ryan’s cheek, falling and plummeting into the pool below.
Brendon murmurs against his lips, “Come on, let’s get out. Spence is making waffles.”
They stumble to their feet and Ryan kisses him again, smiling against Brendon’s lips, happy and sated. He jerks Brendon off, quick, and then they share a towel and go across the hall to get ready for the day.
-
When they finally arrive downstairs, Spencer is plating waffles (and a grilled cheese for Sage, because it’s lunch time and she wants something different.) and Jon looks at Ryan, says, “He wear you out last night?” and grins.
Ryan shrugs, grinning and not even blushing. Sage looks over her shoulder at them and happily says, “Hi, Daddy!” They both wave and then laugh at themselves, and Jon laughs at them, too, because how can he not?
Spencer does his best to ignore them, and mostly fails.
-
“What?” Ryan asks, still smiling. There’s a distant clatter of feet on the stairs as Sage goes searching for something to occupy her and Brendon follows, not far behind. Spencer is staring at him from the sofa. He sits down and bumps shoulder with Spencer, grin melting into a frown. “Hey, what’s wrong?”
Spencer looks at him for a long time.
He finally says, “We’re never going to get anything done with you and Brendon fucking like this.”
Ryan stares at him, caught between anger and surprise. He finally stutters out, “What? Are you - are you jealous?” He isn’t mad, just - fucking surprised. He didn’t think Spencer was. He’s still staring at Spencer but Spencer won’t meet his eyes. He says, “Spence, look. I - it’s just the first day here. This isn’t. I love you. You know that, right?”
Spencer says, “Yeah,” and they don’t talk about it again.
-
4. that’s the very moment that I wish that I could take back;
Outside the cabin, there is a stray cat, and Sage seems to think it’s the most amusing thing in the world. Staring out the door at it, Jon says, “I don’t think Dylan will be happy about this.” It’s raining, and Sage is sitting on the front porch, tickling the cat under its chin and giggling while it purrs.
She looks up at him and says, “Dylan isn’t here.”
Jon frowns.
“Sage,” Ryan calls, turning the corner into the front hallway and standing just behind Jon, watching her. “You’re going to get sick. Come inside.”
Sage’s face drops and she says, “But the kitty’s out here!” She doesn’t make a move to come into the cabin.
Ryan says, “Well, it’s going to stay there.” Sage looks like she might cry. Ryan turns and yells up the stairs, “Brendon!”
Brendon rushes down and Ryan rolls his eyes, nodding in the direction of the door. Brendon looks outside and lights up, says, “Kitty!” and runs to kneel beside Sage, letting the cat roll onto its back so he can pet its belly. Ryan stares, says, “That’s not what I meant - ” and Brendon turns to look at him, asks, “Can we keep it? Please, Ry?”
Ryan says, “No.”
He says, “No way.”
He says, “We’re not keeping it.”
-
Sage names the cat ‘Kitty’ because that’s what Brendon keeps calling it. Ryan isn’t happy about it; Shotgun and Hobo keep trying to chase it, and he swears, if that cat puts one mark on either of his dogs -
Brendon crawls onto the sofa and sprawls on top of him, nuzzling against his neck and sighing tiredly. He murmurs, “Sage finally fell asleep.” and whines pitifully into Ryan’s skin. Ryan lifts a hand and plays with Brendon’s hair, running fingers through and lightly scraping his nails over Brendon’s neck. Brendon’s breathing evens out and then he’s deadweight, completely asleep and Ryan’s stuck. He settles back into the cushions, but then Spencer walks in.
He stands there for a minute, staring at them. It’s late - the room is dark except for the overhead light and Spencer looks tired, ready for sleep. He finally asks, “Are you going upstairs?”
Ryan thinks for a second, then nods and whispers into Brendon’s ear until he wakes up. Brendon groans in protest but doesn’t fight, just stands unsteadily and lets Ryan lead him to the stairs. In the doorway, Ryan stops and looks at Spencer, leans in and kisses him, short and quick, then he sighs and gets Brendon up the stairs without incident.
Spencer stands there for a long time before going to bed.
-
They’re sitting in a room surrounded by instruments and it’s completely quiet except for Ryan’s voice. Sage is sitting quietly across the room, away from the piano, writing words on her pad of paper. Ryan says, “We’ve got three full lyrics, two unfinished sets, some lines that I wrote a few days ago, and music for one song.” It’s quiet, after, while everyone thinks of what to say, what to do.
Brendon finally says, “Well. Let’s get to work, then.”
And so they do.
-
The thing about having Sage in the cabin with them is she likes to make up her own music, which makes things somewhat easier for the songwriting process. It’s their fifth album, and he’s actually surprised Pete isn’t constantly texting him, asking what’s happening. Pete always has to be first to know. Leaning over a new sheet of lyrics, Ryan offhandedly says, “This might be our last album.”
He doesn’t mean it - he was just saying it because he wanted the lyrics to have that flavor where they would be good enough to be encore album lyrics. But Brendon stares at him and Spencer isn’t sure what to think. Jon, though - he says, “Is that what you want?”
Ryan isn’t sure what he wants.
-
No one brings it up again, and for that he’s grateful.
-
Until, Brendon says, “Do you think that would be best for Sage?”
He’s peering at Ryan over a bowl of Frosted Flakes. Ryan’s still half asleep, so he asks, “What?”
Brendon is wide awake, bright-eyed and energetic already. He says, “If this is our last album.”
Ryan doesn’t answer and Brendon knows how he feels.
-
5. sometimes I wonder why I’m even here at all;
On the car ride back to Vegas, Pete calls him and says, “You’re doing the right thing.”
Ryan tells him, “It doesn’t feel like it,” and the rest of their conversation is silent, though they both hear the words.
-
Sage sits at the table, holding plain spaghetti noodles above her open mouth and dropping them, but she’s mostly just missing and the noodle splays across her face, resulting in a fit of giggles that has Ryan exhausted, and he’s trying to shoo the dogs away to keep them from eating the noodles that don’t even land anywhere near Sage’s face.
In the living room, Pete is sitting with Brendon and William, loudly telling a story about a photo shoot that resulted in Travis sucking his dick in the bathroom. Ryan really just hopes Sage is occupied enough with her food and isn’t listening to Pete. He wanders into the living room and sinks onto the sofa beside Pete, leaning over against Pete’s shoulder. He murmurs, “Someone shoot me now.”
Pete says, “You’ll still be signed, so if you decide to keep going in a few years, it’ll still be great, you know. You can’t get rid of us that easy.” From the corner of the room, Patrick looks up from his book.
“We’re not breaking up,” Brendon says. “The band, I mean.”
“Yeah,” Ryan says. “It’s not like that.” Sage runs into the room, grinning, and she runs over to Ryan and climbs into his lap. He says, “It’s all for Sage, anyway.”
Looking at him, Sage says, “Who, me?”
“Yes,” Ryan says, smiling sadly. “All for you, kid.”
Sage looks at him for a long time, quiet, and he thinks she’s about to say something about how sad he looks, but then her face suddenly brightens and she asks, “Where’s Uncle Spence?”
He’s been avoiding them all day, but Ryan doesn’t want to say that. Instead, Pete stands up, stretches, says, “I’ll go get him.”
-
Spencer is hiding in the back yard, bent inside one of Sage’s plastic castle jungle gyms. He’s not hiding (he won’t admit it), just trying to stay away from everyone. Avoid everyone. Pete bends down and peers at him through the doorway. He says, “You’re in love with Ross.” Spencer shoots him a look, and Pete laughs. He says, “Can I come it?”
Spencer says, “Shut the fuck up,” but moves over and makes room for Pete to fit, even though, really, there’s barely enough room for one of them. Pete folds himself in and sits across from Spencer, staring him down. Spencer finally says, “What did you really come out here for?”
Pete says, “Sage was looking for you,” and then, “But we have to talk before you leave.” Pete is rarely serious, so Spencer stays quiet and lets him talk. “You’re killing Ryan with all this jealous bullshit. You’re his best friend, and he’s in love with Brendon, even if it started because of Sage. You need to suck it up and deal because if you knew what he looked like right now, like he’d really like to cry because he’s so tired of dealing with shit, you’d stop being a bitch in a heartbeat.”
Spencer doesn’t know what to say.
“Look,” Pete says. “I know you guys. I know you’re not mad about the album thing. I know you want what’s best for Sage.” Spencer won’t meet his eyes. “You’re supposed to be the rational one here,” Pete tells him, finally grinning. “I’m the idiot, okay? That’s my job. So go in there and make things right, or I’m gonna bring you back to Chicago and let Gabe straighten you out.”
Spencer laughs, says, “Right, Gabe make me straight? That could never happen.”
-
Sage runs over to him as soon as he gets inside the house. She yelps, “Daddy’s trying to make me go to bed!” Then, “Wanna read me a story?” He’s never been able to tell her no, so he follows her to her bedroom and reads her three stories until she falls asleep. Ryan is waiting outside the bedroom door when Spencer comes out, and he’s pretty sure this has nothing to do with Pete. Ryan still has a little fight left in him.
Ryan says, “You’re an asshole.”
His voice is soft and he’s looking up at Spencer through his eyelashes, and his words are true, so Spencer says, “Yeah, I am. I’m sorry.” Ryan hugs him, face buried in Spencer’s neck, and Spencer laughs, says, “I think some of those hormones never wore off.”
Ryan mutters, “Shut up,” and when he doesn’t laugh, Spencer pulls him closer and sighs. Brendon pokes his head around the corner and says, “Hey,” Ryan peeks up at him and Spencer can feel Ryan’s soft smile against his skin.
“Hi,” Ryan says, and when Brendon is close enough, he squirms from Spencer’s grip and lets Brendon hang on him, Brendon’s arms around his waist, his chin on Ryan’s shoulder. Ryan smiles sleepily at him and Spencer can’t help but smile back.
Brendon nips at Ryan’s neck and says, “You should come to bed with us.”
Ryan’s smile never falters; Spencer says, “What about Sage?”
Smiling, Brendon says, “It’ll be fine. Bill’s gonna take care of her tonight. She probably won’t wake up, anyway. The weather’s pretty much perfect.”
Spencer’s breath catches in his throat. He chokes out, “What about Jon?”
Ryan closes his eyes, leans back and kisses the corner of Brendon’s mouth. Brendon says, “Are you backing out?”
Spencer says, “Fuck no.”
-
6. the pedestal is high enough to fall;
William says, “Man, you look like shit.” He probably does, since Spencer fucked him and Brendon fucked him and now it’s barely seven in the morning. He shrugs, then winces, and goes into the kitchen to make Sage breakfast. She comes running in a few minutes later, hair disheveled and face still pale from sleep. She climbs onto a barstool and watches Ryan make waffles (Spencer’s recipe).
She says, “Daddy?” and he ‘hmm’s to show he’s listening. She asks, “How much do you love me?”
Ryan sighs and turns off the stove, leaving a stack of waffles on a plate and turning to look at Sage. He walks foreword, around the bar, and he snatches her off the stool, hugging her close and tickling her sides. She squeals, kicking and screaming and laughing, and he laughs with her until he’s breathless too. He sets her on her feet and he kneels down, eyelevel with her.
He pokes her lightly in the stomach and he says, “This much.”
A while later when Sage is eating her waffles, Brendon wanders in looking only slightly better than Ryan. Sage glances at him and asks, “How much do you love me?”
Brendon stares at her for a few moments, startled by the sudden question, and then he holds his arms out wide, grinning, and he says, “This much.”
She smiles and Brendon wanders over, pulling Ryan against him and kissing his neck, grinning. Pete walks in with an empty coffee mug, and as he’s going for the coffee pot, Sage asks, “Uncle Pete, how much do you love me?”
Pete blinks, think about it for a second. He finally grins and says, “Enough to let your dad watch corny romance movies and cry over them without me making fun of him.”
Sage says, “Huh.” and Ryan laughs.
-
Getting into the car to go to the airport for a flight back to Chicago, Patrick stops and tells him, “It’s going to be really hard, just stopping. You’ll have to keep writing lyrics and playing music so you don’t just break down. Sage will need to hear it, too. You aren’t quitting.” Ryan nods, staring at the ground. They still have an album to release, so it’s not like he won’t have a year or two to think things over. “This will probably be our last album, too, Ryan.”
Ryan’s definitely surprised.
Patrick says, “Seven is enough for us, but that doesn’t mean Pete will stop being Pete. He’s still going to write lyrics and write music and he’s still going to be an asshole who doesn’t know his own limits and doesn’t care about anyone else’s.” Ryan grins, hair shielding his eyes, but Patrick catches it and he grins, too.
Pete yells, “Yo, Trick! The carriage is flying!”
Patrick comes close to rolling his eyes, but he resists because after being with Pete for so long, nothing should surprise him anymore. “Good luck,” He says.
Ryan says, “Thanks.”
-
Brendon’s lying on him, head pillowed on his chest, their legs tangled at the end of the sofa. Blue light from the television washes over them, the only light in the dark room. Ryan lazily runs fingers through Brendon’s hair, curling stands between his fingertips and every few minutes he pulls Brendon up for a kiss.
“I’m worried,” Ryan says into the silence, the TV muted as the credits roll, “that this will pull us apart.”
Brendon looks up at him through dark eyes. He says, “It won’t, Ry. Nothing can.”
“I don’t want this to be just about Sage,” Ryan sighs, blowing hair out of his eyes.
Brendon pushes himself up on his elbows. “This isn’t. I’m not here because of Sage. I mean, I am, but if we could do this all over again - ”
“Right,” Ryan says, smiling. “I love you, too.”