Guilt and Regret
Oneshot
Pairing: Kyuhyun/Sungmin
Warning: Character death?
A/N: A plotless angst I made months ago, I just continued it and hoped it didn't fail..? Probably the longest oneshot I made so far...
POV: Kyuhyun
What do you think the worst punishment ever?
...for me, it is guilty feeling, something I never know before you made me feel.
-
“Kyuhyun sshi I like you.”
“What?”
“I-I know you are straight and you wouldn’t even look at me but I just told you.”
This was weird. I didn’t even know his name and he just said that he liked me?
“Yes I am straight, so, sorry.”
“Err… Friends?”
Honestly I found it a bit disgusting to friend a gay but I would look mean if I refused. So I nodded, and he bowed 100 degrees and smiled in delight. Hell, he was really cute. I wondered why he wasn’t popular like me.
“Eh, what’s your name?”
I swore I saw hurt displayed on those bright foxy eyes of his.
“Lee Sungmin.”
-
Befriend Sungmin wasn’t that bad. He was fun and caring. Talking about everything with him was enjoyable because he had a vast knowledge and an open mind. I could say that he was my best friend, until the point I forgot that he used to like me and perhaps he still did.
I often shared my feelings to Sungmin, including about girls I dated, without knowing that I just added cracks to his heart.
“Kyuhyun ah, you promise to help me with Math tonight, right?”
“Aish, I’m sorry, Min. Tonight I’m going out with Sunny.”
“It’s okay.”
I swore I heard hurt in between the cheerful voice he was using.
“Mianhae.”
-
Days went on, and it had been a year since I knew Sungmin. It had been a year since his confession, now I was reminded again.
Because he confessed to me on autumn, when the leaves fell beautifully. It was supposed to be romantic, but I ruined his happiness that day.
Oh, shit, why should I feel guilty? It wasn’t my fault that I couldn’t reciprocate his love.
“Kyuhyun? What are you thinking?”
“Nothing, Min, not your business.”
I hated the way Sungmin would bow his head with sad eyes that only showed pain. I hated the way he did that because of me. I hated the way I felt guilty. Who was he to control my feelings?
-
“Kyu, isn’t Sunny your girl? Why did she ask me to the prom this morning?”
“Did you say ‘yes’ to her?”
He nodded. “Well I don’t have anyone to go with.”
I felt some parts of my heart crashed hearing that. I didn’t know why, but I didn’t like it. Sungmin liked me, and selfishly I didn’t want it to change.
So one day I asked.
“Do you still like me, Min?”
He was quiet for a while, before answering with a bowing head and voice that only showed pain. “Yes. Do I disturb you with my feelings?” He asked, scared.
“No, you don’t.” I formed a smile, just for him. “I’m happy to be loved. I even think of going to the prom with you.”
His eyes widened in shock, but now displayed clear bright happiness. “Really? Aren’t you straight, Kyu?”
“Yes I am but I willingly t give you a chance. It’s just prom. Besides, I enjoy being with you and I know you won’t do anything I would mind, unlike those girls.”
Sungmin hugged me dearly after that. “Thank you very much, Kyuhyunnie! I’ll now go to Sunny to cancel it.”
After he left, I blushed and my heart beat so fast. I was straight, I knew that for sure, but maybe hanging out with Lee Sungmin did affect me. Maybe he turned me into gay too, I didn’t understand. Maybe I started to see Sungmin as someone whom I possibly loved, not just as a friend.
-
The prom went well. The good thing was that I was able to realize that yes, I was in love with Lee Sungmin. I noticed how I became numb seeing his cute smiles, stuttered when he stared at me, broken when he danced with another girl.
So that night, I asked him out. And we dated.
But I was never being a good boyfriend.
I still hung out with girls, I still ditched him for games and stuffs, and I still bordered him from my thoughts and world. I still hurt him eventhough I never wanted to. Sungmin himself didn’t complain anything. So this continued and I never realized it.
I was so careless. I thought I owned Sungmin forever.
But I was wrong, and I regretted this very much.
-
“Are you okay, Min? You’re pale.”
Sungmin grinned. “Hmm, I’m a bit dizzy. And I’m a bit pale maybe because I skipped breakfast.”
“Why did you skip? You will get sick and I don’t want that.” I held his left arm. “See? I don’t think you’re this skinny when I first met you.”
I then brought him to the school’s clinic and took care of him. “I’ll buy you some food from the canteen. Wait for me, okay?”
I then fed Sungmin willingly. I was happy, probably because that was my first time to love someone so deeply, to care and worry for someone who was so important to me.
I thought I was already understanding and kind, but I was wrong, and I regretted this very much because I was too oblivious to notice things.
-
“Kyu, after graduating, I’ll probably finish my study in America.”
“What?!” I blinked in shock. The graduation day was only two weeks more and he just told me now? “What about me? Long distance relationship rarely works, you know?”
He sighed. “I know. I love everything we’ve done so far-“ I didn’t want to hear it, “-but now I’m here to break up with you.” But I heard it, clearly, and my heart broke into pieces. After I came to love him now, why would he go?
So I nodded. “Err… Friends?” I asked him, exactly like how he asked me when I rejected him that day. He nodded enthusiastically and hugged me with a grin.
I tried to smile too, but it was definitely a fake. I was broken hearted, what could I do?
I was clouded with anger and sadness, that I couldn’t see how his wide grin wasn’t genuine either.
-
Days after we broke up were days of misery for me, because I had to fake everything. It hurt a lot, but I kept standing still. I just had to wait until the graduation day.
I never thought that the graduation day would be the worst day ever.
The ceremony had just finished, and I approached him, only to find his face so pale like a dead person. “Sungmin!! Are you alright? I’ll bring you to the hospital!”
“K-Kyu?”
I hurriedly carried Sungmin to my car and rushed to the hospital.
“Kyuhyun…”
“Be quiet, Min. You better explain later when you get better.”
“I’m not going to America, Kyu. Not anywhere.” Sungmin breathed deeply. “I just wanted you to know that. I love you.”
I couldn’t help but wish that Sungmin was going to be okay and would really stay by my side forever.
-
From the doctor, I got to know that Sungmin had a brain tumor which was bad for him if he didn’t get good medical treatment. Sungmin said that he would be hospitalized just after his graduation. Now I understood why he said he was going to America and just now he said he wouldn’t.
But Sungmin’s condition got worse quickly that now I could only wish a miracle to happen.
I cried the whole day. I regretted being a person who could only hurt him.
-
But I cried more on the next day.
I couldn’t even say sorry to Sungmin, because he was gone already…
I couldn’t see his loving eyes anymore, because they were now closed in his deep peaceful slumber. I couldn’t see his bright smiles anymore, because the lips were now sealed in his eternal silence.
I couldn’t make him happy, no matter how much I wanted to make up for every shit things I did that caused only pain for him.
I couldn’t even say thanks to him for loving an idiot heartless person like me.
I could only regret.
And lived with this guilty feeling maybe for eternity.
-
Guilty… was something I never thought would feel this bad, for I didn’t have a chance to do something for you that could equal it.
You weren’t even here.
My life after you’re gone was miserable, Min, and suicide same across my mind for times.
But you didn't let me. Now I fully understood why you said 'you wouldn't go anywhere'. I knew you still looked after me, being a caring person you was always, from wherever you were now.
Now I thought of it again, maybe it was a punishment, from God, I knew you were to nice to punish me. Really, what could be worse than this? Living in this cruel world with such a past, alone, with guilt and emptiness…
So I did live like this. When I died later, I’d assume it as that God take my punishment and forgive me already. Then I’d come to you, thank you properly this time and make it all up to you.
-End-
A/N: I kill Min Dx The title is weird, can someone suggest a better one ^^;?~ Comments are still greatly <3-ed Feel free to kill me, let me die ^^
Pairing: Kyuhyun/Sungmin
Warning: Character death?
A/N: A plotless angst I made months ago, I just continued it and hoped it didn't fail..? Probably the longest oneshot I made so far...
POV: Kyuhyun
What do you think the worst punishment ever?
...for me, it is guilty feeling, something I never know before you made me feel.
-
“Kyuhyun sshi I like you.”
“What?”
“I-I know you are straight and you wouldn’t even look at me but I just told you.”
This was weird. I didn’t even know his name and he just said that he liked me?
“Yes I am straight, so, sorry.”
“Err… Friends?”
Honestly I found it a bit disgusting to friend a gay but I would look mean if I refused. So I nodded, and he bowed 100 degrees and smiled in delight. Hell, he was really cute. I wondered why he wasn’t popular like me.
“Eh, what’s your name?”
I swore I saw hurt displayed on those bright foxy eyes of his.
“Lee Sungmin.”
-
Befriend Sungmin wasn’t that bad. He was fun and caring. Talking about everything with him was enjoyable because he had a vast knowledge and an open mind. I could say that he was my best friend, until the point I forgot that he used to like me and perhaps he still did.
I often shared my feelings to Sungmin, including about girls I dated, without knowing that I just added cracks to his heart.
“Kyuhyun ah, you promise to help me with Math tonight, right?”
“Aish, I’m sorry, Min. Tonight I’m going out with Sunny.”
“It’s okay.”
I swore I heard hurt in between the cheerful voice he was using.
“Mianhae.”
-
Days went on, and it had been a year since I knew Sungmin. It had been a year since his confession, now I was reminded again.
Because he confessed to me on autumn, when the leaves fell beautifully. It was supposed to be romantic, but I ruined his happiness that day.
Oh, shit, why should I feel guilty? It wasn’t my fault that I couldn’t reciprocate his love.
“Kyuhyun? What are you thinking?”
“Nothing, Min, not your business.”
I hated the way Sungmin would bow his head with sad eyes that only showed pain. I hated the way he did that because of me. I hated the way I felt guilty. Who was he to control my feelings?
-
“Kyu, isn’t Sunny your girl? Why did she ask me to the prom this morning?”
“Did you say ‘yes’ to her?”
He nodded. “Well I don’t have anyone to go with.”
I felt some parts of my heart crashed hearing that. I didn’t know why, but I didn’t like it. Sungmin liked me, and selfishly I didn’t want it to change.
So one day I asked.
“Do you still like me, Min?”
He was quiet for a while, before answering with a bowing head and voice that only showed pain. “Yes. Do I disturb you with my feelings?” He asked, scared.
“No, you don’t.” I formed a smile, just for him. “I’m happy to be loved. I even think of going to the prom with you.”
His eyes widened in shock, but now displayed clear bright happiness. “Really? Aren’t you straight, Kyu?”
“Yes I am but I willingly t give you a chance. It’s just prom. Besides, I enjoy being with you and I know you won’t do anything I would mind, unlike those girls.”
Sungmin hugged me dearly after that. “Thank you very much, Kyuhyunnie! I’ll now go to Sunny to cancel it.”
After he left, I blushed and my heart beat so fast. I was straight, I knew that for sure, but maybe hanging out with Lee Sungmin did affect me. Maybe he turned me into gay too, I didn’t understand. Maybe I started to see Sungmin as someone whom I possibly loved, not just as a friend.
-
The prom went well. The good thing was that I was able to realize that yes, I was in love with Lee Sungmin. I noticed how I became numb seeing his cute smiles, stuttered when he stared at me, broken when he danced with another girl.
So that night, I asked him out. And we dated.
But I was never being a good boyfriend.
I still hung out with girls, I still ditched him for games and stuffs, and I still bordered him from my thoughts and world. I still hurt him eventhough I never wanted to. Sungmin himself didn’t complain anything. So this continued and I never realized it.
I was so careless. I thought I owned Sungmin forever.
But I was wrong, and I regretted this very much.
-
“Are you okay, Min? You’re pale.”
Sungmin grinned. “Hmm, I’m a bit dizzy. And I’m a bit pale maybe because I skipped breakfast.”
“Why did you skip? You will get sick and I don’t want that.” I held his left arm. “See? I don’t think you’re this skinny when I first met you.”
I then brought him to the school’s clinic and took care of him. “I’ll buy you some food from the canteen. Wait for me, okay?”
I then fed Sungmin willingly. I was happy, probably because that was my first time to love someone so deeply, to care and worry for someone who was so important to me.
I thought I was already understanding and kind, but I was wrong, and I regretted this very much because I was too oblivious to notice things.
-
“Kyu, after graduating, I’ll probably finish my study in America.”
“What?!” I blinked in shock. The graduation day was only two weeks more and he just told me now? “What about me? Long distance relationship rarely works, you know?”
He sighed. “I know. I love everything we’ve done so far-“ I didn’t want to hear it, “-but now I’m here to break up with you.” But I heard it, clearly, and my heart broke into pieces. After I came to love him now, why would he go?
So I nodded. “Err… Friends?” I asked him, exactly like how he asked me when I rejected him that day. He nodded enthusiastically and hugged me with a grin.
I tried to smile too, but it was definitely a fake. I was broken hearted, what could I do?
I was clouded with anger and sadness, that I couldn’t see how his wide grin wasn’t genuine either.
-
Days after we broke up were days of misery for me, because I had to fake everything. It hurt a lot, but I kept standing still. I just had to wait until the graduation day.
I never thought that the graduation day would be the worst day ever.
The ceremony had just finished, and I approached him, only to find his face so pale like a dead person. “Sungmin!! Are you alright? I’ll bring you to the hospital!”
“K-Kyu?”
I hurriedly carried Sungmin to my car and rushed to the hospital.
“Kyuhyun…”
“Be quiet, Min. You better explain later when you get better.”
“I’m not going to America, Kyu. Not anywhere.” Sungmin breathed deeply. “I just wanted you to know that. I love you.”
I couldn’t help but wish that Sungmin was going to be okay and would really stay by my side forever.
-
From the doctor, I got to know that Sungmin had a brain tumor which was bad for him if he didn’t get good medical treatment. Sungmin said that he would be hospitalized just after his graduation. Now I understood why he said he was going to America and just now he said he wouldn’t.
But Sungmin’s condition got worse quickly that now I could only wish a miracle to happen.
I cried the whole day. I regretted being a person who could only hurt him.
-
But I cried more on the next day.
I couldn’t even say sorry to Sungmin, because he was gone already…
I couldn’t see his loving eyes anymore, because they were now closed in his deep peaceful slumber. I couldn’t see his bright smiles anymore, because the lips were now sealed in his eternal silence.
I couldn’t make him happy, no matter how much I wanted to make up for every shit things I did that caused only pain for him.
I couldn’t even say thanks to him for loving an idiot heartless person like me.
I could only regret.
And lived with this guilty feeling maybe for eternity.
-
Guilty… was something I never thought would feel this bad, for I didn’t have a chance to do something for you that could equal it.
You weren’t even here.
My life after you’re gone was miserable, Min, and suicide same across my mind for times.
But you didn't let me. Now I fully understood why you said 'you wouldn't go anywhere'. I knew you still looked after me, being a caring person you was always, from wherever you were now.
Now I thought of it again, maybe it was a punishment, from God, I knew you were to nice to punish me. Really, what could be worse than this? Living in this cruel world with such a past, alone, with guilt and emptiness…
So I did live like this. When I died later, I’d assume it as that God take my punishment and forgive me already. Then I’d come to you, thank you properly this time and make it all up to you.
-End-
A/N: I kill Min Dx The title is weird, can someone suggest a better one ^^;?~ Comments are still greatly <3-ed Feel free to kill me, let me die ^^