(no subject)
Hook 90
Genre: Urban Fantasy - YA
The past can carry its own demons, threatening to rip away the
present. For months Adrian Moor has suffered horrible nightmares
that reveal to him a massacre he cannot deny occurred. It was before
his time, and yet he feels certain that it did happen. The
nightmares consume him, and the only person he can bring himself to
confide in is his cousin, Connor.
Adrian's life is uprooted when the King sends three Legionnaires to
his uncle's inn. The gunslingers reveal to him that he is a direct
descendant of the Ascillians, a native race that was much feared and
persecuted due to their magic. This revelation shatters the bonds
between Adrian and Connor. Adrian realizes the importance of his
nightmares as he learns of the Mad Emperor's war against the
Ascillians. The Legionnaires reveal that he is the only Ascillian
the King could find, and so they are charged with the duty of
guarding him to the Ruins.
Within the perpetually dark lands known as the Ruins resides the
Source of Light, which is believed to hold the balance of the world
in sway. Without any Ascillians to sustain it, the Source is slowly
dying, and with its fall it is believed will descend an age of death
and madness upon the world.
Adrian, filled with the devastating realization that he is a reviled
Ascillian, has no choice but to accompany the Legionnaires, in hopes
that he can cure the Source. Together the small party sets out on a
perilous mission in a world on the brink of change, pursued by
assassins and the intents of dark forces, and surrounded by the
threat of persecution from anyone who learns what Adrian is.
But can Adrian bring himself to help the very people that
slaughtered his kind?
Comments
I think this hook has a lot of promise, but ultimately it doesn't
grab me--yet. Partly it's the opening paragraph that didn't work for
me, and which I'm not sure is needed--though if it is there, it
possibly needs to be both more specific and briefer at the same time.
I'd recommend losing the first sentence, and starting with something
along the lines of, "For months, Adrian Moor has suffered horrible
nightmares about a bloody massacre in which [and then put a detail or
two here]. The only person he can bring himself to confide in is his
cousin Connor, and Connor has no more idea where the dreams came from
than Adrian does, not until one day three Legionnaires arrive ..."
I also felt the phrase "This revelation shatters the bonds between
Adrian and Connor" might be a bit generic. I know space is limited
and one doesn't want to include everything in the hook, but is there
some way to give us a hint of _how_ it strains their relationship?
(Something along the lines of, "The relationship shatters the
friendship between Connor, who like most of his people instinctively
hates all Ascillians, and Adrian, who is coming to terms with the
fact that those Ascillians are his people.") Ideally, the small,
local conflict between Adrian and Connor will also come into play as
part of the final, larger conflict, when Adrian has to decide whether
or not to help the people that slaughtered the Ascillians; if it
does, you might touch on that in the pitch as well. (Something along
the lines of, "But can Adrian bring himself to help Connor's people,
the very people that slaughtered his kind?" would give a nice sense
of both tension and structure.)
I do worry a little bit that having a Source of Light is overdone and
a bit cliched, though really that depends on how the story itself
uses the device, and wouldn't stop me (if I were an agent or
editor--which of course I'm not!) from asking for the complete book.
Thinking about it, the writing itself in the hook is probably strong
enough that even with the reservations above, an editor or agent
might ask for the rest.
And one of the reason I had so much to say was precisely _because_
this entry has promise. :-) Good luck!
Hook 100
Mystery/Thriller
Becky Miller is stunned when she accidentally discovers that
her husband, Walter, is having an affair with a mentally challenged
cocktail waitress. Even worse, Walter’s girlfriend has suggested
that she and Walter would both be better a lot off if Becky were
permanently removed from the picture.
Becky thus decides to teach Walter a lesson that he’ll
never forget. She devises a clever plan that will place her philandering husband squarely in the sights of both the police and the Internal Revenue Service before she divorces him and leaves him to the tender mercies of his dopey girlfriend. But as Becky sets her scheme into motion, things go tragically wrong and she becomes a victim of her
own carefully constructed plan.
Four days after Becky fails to return home from a meeting, a
female torso surfaces in a Phoenix canal. DNA evidence confirms that
the torso is Becky’s, and veteran homicide detective Jack Devlin is
assigned to the case. Jack’s brash new partner is Maggie McClinton,
an ex-army cop with a bright mind, a razor-sharp wit, and a mouth that
would put an outlaw biker to shame.
All of the evidence points directly at Walter Miller and he
is arrested and charged with the crime. But then police computer
technicians determine that the diary in which Becky allegedly
recorded her suspicions is a fake. Jack also discovers that in the
weeks before her death, Becky liquidated nearly $250,000 in
investments, and the money has disappeared. Walter’s girlfriend has
disappeared as well, and suddenly nothing about this case makes any
sense at all. Now Jack and Maggie must sort through the havoc that
Becky has left in her wake and somehow find the solution to an
especially gruesome crime before things get any further out of
hand…
Comment
When I read that first sentence I did an honest to God spit take.
Hilarious! I made an assumption that Becky was the protagonist and was
kind of rooting for her to smash Walter.
But then, it turns out Becky's the victim.
Here we run into a problem with the hook. The protagonist should make
an appearance early on. Way too much time and energy is expended on
backstory rather than the investigation. Jack and Maggie are more fun
to read about than Becky's bitter reaction to Walter's love of the
differently abled, and should be front and center in this hook.
You've done a lot of plotting here, which appears solid, and there's an
easy flow to your writing that shows promise.
Hook 117
YA Urban Fantasy
Fifteen-year-old delinquent Lina Snow suspects that her best friend,
A.J., is involved in a series of pet mutilations, child abductions
and murders. When she secretly follows him down to the docks one
night, she learns she's not entirely wrong: A.J., she discovers, is
draeken, a dragon in human disguise. He is involved. But is he the
one chomping up local kids and cops? Lina doesn't want to believe
it. Then again, how do you know what to believe when your best
friend turns out to be a dragon?
Lina is a street-smart thief who believes that lying is an art and
bluntness is a virtue. She has an uncanny ability of taking
teachers from calm to conniption in six seconds flat. A.J. is an
anxious home-schooled eccentric with rigid morals and a subtle
wit. He thinks he's a freak because only female draeken are
supposed to turn into dragons. As he turns to Lina for support,
however, she doesn't know what to think, or how to help him. When
she learns that A.J. isn't the only dragon in town, he insists they
have to find a way to stop the other dragon from claiming an ancient
draeken artifact for its own. If they fail, both humanity and
draeken everywhere will suffer.
Comments
Discovering your best friend is a dragon is an intriguing premise.
I do want more information, though--what is the ancient artifact, and
how are humanity and draeken everywhere threatened if it falls into
the wrong claws? What's at stake here?
Also, what does the phrase "He is involved" mean? That A.J. is
involved with the murders, but may not be the killer? That confused me.
Still, intriguing. Good luck with the book!
Hook 101
Genre: Adult Urban Fantasy
Come age thirty, the mental health of those who communicate with
ghosts deteriorates dramatically. So with four good years left in
her, Katia is eager to prevent that decline. Using an experimental drug
said to reduce ghostly connections, she feels respite. But her fellow
participant - and best friend, whom Katia unintentionally transmitted
the paranormal ability to - is still plagued.
With the absence of her ghost lover, only guilt keeps Katia from
acting on lusty thoughts of her friend's partner. But Katia's ghost
lover resents being unacknowledged, and is frustrated enough to take
desperate measures - and Katia's friend is eerily none too pleased
to assist with his dramatic plan.
Comments
While this hook has some promising ideas (deteriorating mental health,
viral paranormal ability, ghost sex), it stumbles in the execution.
The opening works. But then, there seems to be a missing paragraph
between, wherein ghost lovers are introduced. Props on the attempt to
take a formula (mediums) and give it a fresh spin.
It sounds like Medium meets Logan's Run meets the Entity (or Ghost),
no?
Suggestion: rework the middle bit, tighten up the writing (reduce your
reliance on preposition phrasing in sentence construction), and you
might just have something.
Hook 134
Genre: YA Urban Fantasy
"I cut my hair. *You* turned half-wolf. I think you win the
contest for biggest changes."
In the audience of a traveling circus, seventeen-year-old Lise expects
an afternoon of secondhand tricks, stale popcorn, and sitting targets
for pickpockets. What she witnesses instead brings her face to face
with real, deadly, magic -- and her best friend, who disappeared a
year ago.
But their separation has changed the practical Connor more than Lise
expects. Hunted by entities known only as the Court of Guardians for
reasons he won't explain, Connor has thrown himself under the
protection of the arrogant magician Aleron. And the price -- a series
of supernatural experiments that has left him on the brink of madness,
no longer quite human -- may be more than he can pay.
With her best friend slowly breaking beneath the burden of his secret
and the conditions of his protection ending, Lise must strike a new
deal for his safety. But the magician who makes the deal brings
problems of his own: an obnoxious personality, a mortal enemy willing
to do anything to kill him, and an inability to be trusted.
As the experiments progress, Lise is hurled into the fray of an
age-old conflict and sent on the run, traveling across the country in
a desperate search whose purpose she only half-understands. But most
momentous of all may be the change in her own sanity as her
transformation begins to take its toll...
Comments
The opening line of this one made me smile. :-)
The hook itself did confuse me a little. Is Connor a werewolf? Has
Aleron turned him into one? What sorts of experiments is Aleron
doing? Does Aleron begin turning Lise into a werewolf as well? I'm
not sure quite what's going on, which may be what you want in the
story itself (since Lise doesn't know either), but I think in a hook,
the story needs to be laid out a little more directly and clearly.
I also want to know a bit more about the age-old conflict, and what
Lise's role is in dealing with same. Does she need to end or
otherwise influence that conflict? Tell us that, if so. Or, if Lise's
goal is not to end the conflict, but simply to get her and Connor
clear and safe, tell us that.
What I'm wanting, I guess, is both more clarity, and more sense of
Lise's role in the larger story.
Hook 146
What do you do when you find out that your best friend has been
hiding secrets from you and her 'accidental' death might not have
been an accident? You go to your local cemetery, of course and talk
things over with your favorite tenants. Or at least that's what
Abigail Browning does...
With all of Kristen's secrets revealed, Abbey finds herself wondering if everything she's ever been told was a lie. So she spends her time talking to gravestones, convincing her mother that she doesn't need a shrink, and avoiding the cheerleaders who suddenly want to make her an honorary prom committee member- "because naturally you can't be a regular member, you have to be voted in for that."
Everything changes though, when Abbey meets a mysterious boy who gives her a secret nickname and promises to help her find out what really happened the night her friend died.
While still feeling anger at Kristen for lying, Abbey is torn between her guilt for no longer being unhappy, and the overwhelming feeling that she just might be falling in love. But she soon learns that sometimes secrets are kept for a reason, when she discovers that Caspian has a secret too. And his secret could change her life forever.
Comments
This sounds intriguing--I'm definitely interested in this
graveyard-roaming protagonist--but I did want more information, more
sense of what the story's really about.
Does Abbey talk to ghosts? Does she talk to Kristen's ghost? What do
the ghosts tell her about Kristen's death? What secrets are revealed?
What secret nickname does the mysterious boy give Abbey, and how does
he promise to help her? What is Caspian's secret? (Is Caspian the
mysterious boy? That's not entirely clear.) In the actual book, you
may want to keep some of these secrets for late in the story; but in
the hook, I need the answers to at least some of them to get a better
feel for the story, and for where the tensions lie.
I also think that in this hook you can probably delete the details
about Abbey convincing her Mom she doesn't need a shrink, and the
sentence about Abbey avoiding the cheerleaders--which would give you
a little more space to focus on Kristen's death, Abbey's ability to
talk to ghosts, and the mysterious boy. (But that doesn't mean, of
course, that Mom and the cheerleaders aren't an important part of the
novel--sometimes not everything that matters in the novel fits into
the hook, and you have to choose a thread or two to focus on.)
Do keep working on this!
Hook 158
Genre: YA
Melany has a big dream: to work in the spy organization, SYG. Unfortunately, she also has a slight problem: she has a heart defect that causes fainting spells. But when Melany wakes up one day in a random skyscraper with a computer embedded in her wrist, she finds that her heart defect isn't what it seemed to be. SYG suddenly needs her, but not as a recruit as she had hoped, but as a corpse.
Running from her dream job, Melany must dive into the net and use
all her hacking skills to decipher what is going on before she
finishes whatever SYG claims she had started. But who exactly is
she? And who is using her against SYG and why? Are the people who
are manipulating her truly the enemy? Or is SYG?
Comments
This book seems interesting, but I did feel like I needed to know
more. If Melany's heart defect isn't what it seemed to be, what is
it? What about that defect makes SYG want to kill her? What does SYG
think she started? Once Melany gathers information on the net, _then_
what does she do--what is her role in the story, beyond gathering
information? I'm not looking for a plot summary, but knowing some of
these things would give me a better feel for Melany and for the
larger story, and would help me decide whether there's enough there
to hook me.
I also think maybe I'd like to have some sense that there are other
characters in this story interacting with Melany. Does she have any
allies? Any enemies trying to thwart her? Both Syg and their enemies
are run by people, and even if you don't actually name them, I'd like
the sense of the social context Melany is working in.
Still, the fact that those fainting spells are symptoms of something
is intriguing--I hope you do continue working on this, and on the
story.
Hook 104
Mystery/Adventure
Japan, 1846. Maru is a low-key ninja whose career-and life-are
circling the drain. Toshiro is a flamboyant samurai swordsman whose
talent for trouble has landed him in the dregs of society. They are
as different as night and day, but when a chance encounter unites them
against a deadly foe they must find common ground or perish. In an
ordinary world turned upside-down, where every cook, beggar or prostitute could be an assassin and even colleagues can’t be
trusted, no combination of ninja stealth or samurai skill is too dangerous, dirty or outright bizarre for this pair. But not every danger comes from the outside, and Maru and Toshiro’s journey takes them farther afield than either of them expected. Can Maru escape the shadow of his legendary older brother and rise to the challenge of a mission that’s completely out of his league? Can Toshiro curb his razor-sharp mind, tongue and sword long enough to clear himself of the murder he’s been falsely accused-and sentenced to death-for committing? And could these two betrayed and battered hearts possibly find love in the unlikeliest of places?
Comments
While this hook makes for a great film trailer, it reads vague. Drop
the reliance on movie pitch lines: "In an ordinary world turned
upside-down," is not one of the most overused preview lines, it's the
most overused. It's a cliché, and should be avoided.
I like the pairing of your ninja and samurai, they could be lethal yet
funny. The idea that at any moment a beggar or prostitute could turn
deadly and jump the heroes works for me to keep things interesting.
What doesn't work: "…a chance encounter with a deadly foe they must
find common ground or perish" This phrase does not create the kind of
conflict necessary to propel the hook.
Suggestions: Give the antagonist a little face time or there's no
danger.
There's a lot of potential in this story, keep refining.
Hook 109
Adult urban fantasy
Neil and his partner Ayn are both time-travelers, but that’s all
they have in common. She’s a Jane Austen girl from 1800’s England;
he’s too hard-boiled for her and far too old. They work together as detectives - playing judge, jury and executioner if needed - in Chicago’s lawless traveler underworld.
They know their future: someday they’ll be married. That won’t
happen till Ayn grows up a bit, though. Neil knows he has to be patient. Frustrating.
Tom Warin, unpleasant traveler crime-boss, also knows his future.
When he hires Ayn and Neil to investigate his upcoming death, they’re
Faced with a locked-room murder mystery in which all the suspects are
time-travelers.
Warin’s wife Mary may be the killer. Warin too is a suspect - did
he shoot himself? Maybe. Ayn and Neil meet younger and older versions of the pair, standing witness to their life stories, but all the
evidence is paradoxial. Mary, no one's prize in her youth, becomes a woman far too classy for her husband. Warin, loved by Mary when they were young, grows into a dangerous criminal nobody could love. But who fired the fatal shot?
Meanwhile Neil’s haunted by a mystery from his own past, and by a
meeting with an older version of Ayn. She's his heart’s desire, but
he can't have her yet - not until Ayn grows into her. Till then, all he
can do is wait and yearn. When they take too long with the investigation, Warin decides they’re stalling - are they double-crossing him? - and turns on them. He’s already threatened Ayn, striking at Neil’s weakness. Now, Neil must call upon abilities he’s never known he had, to save Ayn and solve the murder.
Comments:
I like the idea of a mismatched pair that are aware of their future as
a couple but must wait for time to catch up. But, I'm not sure the
intricacy of this conundrum is explained adequately.
A few questions: How will they catch up if she is from the 1800s and he
seems to be a hard-boiled Raymond Chandler type ('40s)? At what point
would it be natural for the two to be on the same point of the time
continuum?
While I agree, that time travel is an excellent fantastical solution to
a locked room mystery, it is not necessary to point that out to the
reader. In a hook where mystery is involved, simply identify the
investigators, drop the body in the room, point out the locked door and
point to the prime suspect. Then you can add all their quirks around
that. There's no need to give to much away when your goal is to point
out what sets your tale apart: time travel.
There's lots of good stuff in this hook, but ultimately it doesn't sell
the product.
Hook 110
fantasy novel, Disposable Son
Seth is the disposable son, banished to Earth because he wasn't
first-born, kept alive in case he was needed.
Traditions blindly followed for generations lead the people in power
to steal Seth's memories and send him away. They take away his titles
and his home, even make him forget Janese, the woman he shared a life
with. Now Seth only glimpses snatches of who he once was-- and the
magic buried inside him --in fragments of memory that leave him
restless, knowing something is missing, though he doesn't know what.
Seth's past comes to reclaim him when his older brother dies at the
hands of a cousin with a thirst for power. His home world of Aldare
is withering away, poisoned by the new ruler's use of twisted magic.
Despite fierce opposition, Janese goes to bring him home. The people
who discarded Seth need him to repair the damage.
Their lives torn apart for a second time, Seth and Janese have to find
their way back to each other as well as survive the trip home.
Hounded across worlds full of obstacles set in their path by his cousin and creatures determined to kill them, Seth fights to master forgotten
abilities and his bitterness over all he's lost, while Janese
struggles to find the strength to keep him alive.
Comments:
There doesn't seem to be any new territory explored in this hook (Evil
ruler with a "thirst for power"), and a struggle for protagonist seems
to be blazing between Seth and Janese. I assume this is written as a
multiple POV narrative. Janese appears to be the most obvious choice
for the heroine, as she must find Seth to "repair the damage" of their
"withered" world. There's no indication that Seth has anything to gain
from returning to a world that banished him, especially since Janese is
with him on earth by the final paragraph. The question is why would he
choose to go back and help? Is a world that allows for disposable
children worth saving?
Suggestions: First, there is an odd juxtaposition of words in the
second paragraph that I believe is unintentional, if it's not it should
be corrected, regardless (3rd sentence). The first two paragraphs
could easily be combined and tightened (disposable son's memories and
magical abilities stripped, banished to earth, etc.). Work on building
a central character rather than a couple, if I'm mistaken on this,
believe me it's not coming through in the hook.