Prince of Tennis: Ibu Shinji, 004: Insides
Title: Inside Out
Fandom: Prince of Tennis
Characters: Ibu Shinji
Prompt: 004: Insides
Word Count: 778
Rating: G
Summary: An entry in Shinji’s journal, during the Study Abroad arc
Author's Notes: Just getting into Shinji’s head, doing that stream-of-consciousness thing again.
Main table can be found here and here.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Some days, I don’t know why I came here. It makes me feel…I don’t know, almost cold inside, except I know that it’s not cold at all. It’s actually pretty damn hot right now, and even the heat doesn’t feel right to me, it’s not the same. It’s…not humid enough, too humid, maybe, I don’t know. Some days, I can smell the ocean, and it just smells weird. Nothing is the same, right now.
There are days where I have to force myself to leave my room, to go to class, to interact with people. I want to live inside my head, my memories. I want to be able to close my eyes and think of ‘Chiro, because when I do, I can almost pretend that I am with him, that he’s just out, and will be coming in the door soon…but he won’t. He can’t. Just like I can’t go home to him at the end of the day.
At least my roommate is nice…usually. He won’t let me just sit around and mope, and I am grateful for that, but I want to curse him for it, too. I don’t always want to go out and do things and see people. But he keeps telling me that if I close up one day, stay huddled inside me, it’s so much easier to do it the next day, and even easier the next. The way he looked when he said that…it makes me wonder if he’s felt that way before. If he’s ever felt so alone and outcast that he doesn’t even feel right inside his own skin. I don’t think I will ever ask him, though. That’s a very personal question, and then I’d have to talk about how I feel, and I don’t want to do that. Not yet.
I got an email from Akira this morning, which was nice, considering that he and computers do not seem to get on well. This one’s lasted a whole six months, though, so maybe he finally met his match. I hope so. He’s complained so much about having to replace hard drives and what have you. Anyway, he was telling me all sorts of gossip, and some of it was very surprising. I mean, I kind of always thought Kippei was straight, which is partly why I never said anything to him, when I had that crush on him, but apparently he’s started dating that Fuji guy who went to Seigaku with ‘Chiro, and I need to ask ‘Chiro about him soon, because I need to know if he’s good enough for our Kippei, and I guess as far as dating guys go, Kippei is starting off slow, because if I remember right, Fuji is as pretty as any girl. I’ll have to ask ‘Chiro about that, too.
Why does it always come back to him, in the end? Even when I try not to think about or talk about ‘Chiro, I do it anyway. At least in here. I don’t think I’ve done it in actual talking to people, but I could be, though no one’s told me to shut up yet. Which reminds me. Kevin wants me to go to a Gay/Straight Alliance meeting with him. I didn’t think he went to those things, he doesn’t seem the type, but he said he wants to support a friend, though he wouldn’t tell me who the friend is, not that it’s any of my business, I guess. It’ll be interesting, I guess, and it will get me out of the room.
Sometimes, I wonder what it would be like to just live inside my head. I did it for awhile, back in high school, but I came out, and I wonder what would’ve happened if I never did come out of me. I probably wouldn’t have ‘Chiro, for sure. I probably wouldn’t be here, both in America, or just, well, here. I’m not sure anyone knows just how close I came to giving up. I don’t want them to know, either.
I want to give up again, at times. Call this off and just go home. I don’t think I can, though. I need to see this through to the very end, come what may. I know that, one day, I will be grateful for the experience, and I will look back on it with fondness, or so I’m told, but right now? It’s all too different, too much, and I want to curl up and hide from it.
More, I just want to go home. I want Shuichiro, I want my friends, my family, my life.
I don’t want to live on the inside anymore.
--The End--
Fandom: Prince of Tennis
Characters: Ibu Shinji
Prompt: 004: Insides
Word Count: 778
Rating: G
Summary: An entry in Shinji’s journal, during the Study Abroad arc
Author's Notes: Just getting into Shinji’s head, doing that stream-of-consciousness thing again.
Main table can be found here and here.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Some days, I don’t know why I came here. It makes me feel…I don’t know, almost cold inside, except I know that it’s not cold at all. It’s actually pretty damn hot right now, and even the heat doesn’t feel right to me, it’s not the same. It’s…not humid enough, too humid, maybe, I don’t know. Some days, I can smell the ocean, and it just smells weird. Nothing is the same, right now.
There are days where I have to force myself to leave my room, to go to class, to interact with people. I want to live inside my head, my memories. I want to be able to close my eyes and think of ‘Chiro, because when I do, I can almost pretend that I am with him, that he’s just out, and will be coming in the door soon…but he won’t. He can’t. Just like I can’t go home to him at the end of the day.
At least my roommate is nice…usually. He won’t let me just sit around and mope, and I am grateful for that, but I want to curse him for it, too. I don’t always want to go out and do things and see people. But he keeps telling me that if I close up one day, stay huddled inside me, it’s so much easier to do it the next day, and even easier the next. The way he looked when he said that…it makes me wonder if he’s felt that way before. If he’s ever felt so alone and outcast that he doesn’t even feel right inside his own skin. I don’t think I will ever ask him, though. That’s a very personal question, and then I’d have to talk about how I feel, and I don’t want to do that. Not yet.
I got an email from Akira this morning, which was nice, considering that he and computers do not seem to get on well. This one’s lasted a whole six months, though, so maybe he finally met his match. I hope so. He’s complained so much about having to replace hard drives and what have you. Anyway, he was telling me all sorts of gossip, and some of it was very surprising. I mean, I kind of always thought Kippei was straight, which is partly why I never said anything to him, when I had that crush on him, but apparently he’s started dating that Fuji guy who went to Seigaku with ‘Chiro, and I need to ask ‘Chiro about him soon, because I need to know if he’s good enough for our Kippei, and I guess as far as dating guys go, Kippei is starting off slow, because if I remember right, Fuji is as pretty as any girl. I’ll have to ask ‘Chiro about that, too.
Why does it always come back to him, in the end? Even when I try not to think about or talk about ‘Chiro, I do it anyway. At least in here. I don’t think I’ve done it in actual talking to people, but I could be, though no one’s told me to shut up yet. Which reminds me. Kevin wants me to go to a Gay/Straight Alliance meeting with him. I didn’t think he went to those things, he doesn’t seem the type, but he said he wants to support a friend, though he wouldn’t tell me who the friend is, not that it’s any of my business, I guess. It’ll be interesting, I guess, and it will get me out of the room.
Sometimes, I wonder what it would be like to just live inside my head. I did it for awhile, back in high school, but I came out, and I wonder what would’ve happened if I never did come out of me. I probably wouldn’t have ‘Chiro, for sure. I probably wouldn’t be here, both in America, or just, well, here. I’m not sure anyone knows just how close I came to giving up. I don’t want them to know, either.
I want to give up again, at times. Call this off and just go home. I don’t think I can, though. I need to see this through to the very end, come what may. I know that, one day, I will be grateful for the experience, and I will look back on it with fondness, or so I’m told, but right now? It’s all too different, too much, and I want to curl up and hide from it.
More, I just want to go home. I want Shuichiro, I want my friends, my family, my life.
I don’t want to live on the inside anymore.
--The End--