Prince of Tennis: Ibu Shinji, 033: Too Much
Title: Voice
Fandom: Prince of Tennis
Characters: Ibu Shinji
Prompt: 033: Too Much
Word Count: 521
Rating: PG for a little language
Summary: Shinji wonders if he is overpowering.
Author's Notes: This…is confusing. A character-centered stream-of-conscious piece of writing that actually stemmed from something a different Shinji I roleplay was thinking, and then this Shinji took over, and the original Shinji came out in the end…. Very confusing, one of the more confusing things I’ve written. But I cleaned it up anyway. Shinji is 19 and with Oishi in this.
Main table can be found here and here.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Sometimes I wonder...am I overpowering him? I love him so much, and he says he loves me, but...he seems completely comfortable not talking to me, and...maybe I'm too much for him. I'm too much for a lot of people. I don't...I don't know why he loves me, Why anyone does. I'm too...I don't know. Intense. I burn people out, and I talk too much, and I can go from hot to cold, and...I want.
Maybe that's my biggest problem. I want the love and the affection, and the caring, and just knowing that I'm cared about in return. I'm insecure, and I know it. I know why, too, and I'm trying to move past it, I really am. And in the meantime...am I just scaring Shuichiro off?
He used to return my calls. He doesn't anymore. He's stopped. He isn't even online so I can ask. Maybe that's the problem. I'm reaching out too much. Maybe he'd like it better if I backed off. Left him alone.
I can't believe I lost my heart to him this fast. And I have this horrible feeling that he...he doesn't want what I do. That his idea of forever and mine are different. That he's waiting for something better to come along.
Because, let's face it. Anything--anyone--is better than me.
I try and try to tell people that, and no one seems to believe me. Why don't they see the truth I do? I...I'm no good. I'm too clingy and I want the people I love close, but I want to push them away, too....
The only one I don't want to push away is him. And...I can't find him. He's...I feel like he’s vanishing from my life, and I can't find him. I'm a fucking pathetic mess on the inside, and I refuse to let it show.
If he doesn't want to talk to me, that's fine, right? It's not like we have to talk every day, though we used to, and….
Maybe he's decided that he can do better. Maybe he really does want him, Kikumaru, after all, and he’s just afraid to tell me.
If he leaves me...it'll kill me. I don't think he knows that. And I don't care, because I want him to be happy. His happiness is what is most important to me. If that's not with me...I'll wish him the best and send him off with my love and best wishes.
And I'll curl up and die on the inside. But I'm good at doing that. I spent what feels like half my life dead. I can do it again for the rest of it, if I have to.
I just wish I could hear from him. If...if I haven't by Friday, I'll leave one more voice mail. Not breaking up with him--I can't do that, he'll have to be the one to end it--but I'll tell him that I'll stop calling him. If he's that busy...he doesn't need me interrupting him. Maybe he's just tired of hearing from me.
Maybe he's tired of me.
And I can't even ask.
--The End--
Fandom: Prince of Tennis
Characters: Ibu Shinji
Prompt: 033: Too Much
Word Count: 521
Rating: PG for a little language
Summary: Shinji wonders if he is overpowering.
Author's Notes: This…is confusing. A character-centered stream-of-conscious piece of writing that actually stemmed from something a different Shinji I roleplay was thinking, and then this Shinji took over, and the original Shinji came out in the end…. Very confusing, one of the more confusing things I’ve written. But I cleaned it up anyway. Shinji is 19 and with Oishi in this.
Main table can be found here and here.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Sometimes I wonder...am I overpowering him? I love him so much, and he says he loves me, but...he seems completely comfortable not talking to me, and...maybe I'm too much for him. I'm too much for a lot of people. I don't...I don't know why he loves me, Why anyone does. I'm too...I don't know. Intense. I burn people out, and I talk too much, and I can go from hot to cold, and...I want.
Maybe that's my biggest problem. I want the love and the affection, and the caring, and just knowing that I'm cared about in return. I'm insecure, and I know it. I know why, too, and I'm trying to move past it, I really am. And in the meantime...am I just scaring Shuichiro off?
He used to return my calls. He doesn't anymore. He's stopped. He isn't even online so I can ask. Maybe that's the problem. I'm reaching out too much. Maybe he'd like it better if I backed off. Left him alone.
I can't believe I lost my heart to him this fast. And I have this horrible feeling that he...he doesn't want what I do. That his idea of forever and mine are different. That he's waiting for something better to come along.
Because, let's face it. Anything--anyone--is better than me.
I try and try to tell people that, and no one seems to believe me. Why don't they see the truth I do? I...I'm no good. I'm too clingy and I want the people I love close, but I want to push them away, too....
The only one I don't want to push away is him. And...I can't find him. He's...I feel like he’s vanishing from my life, and I can't find him. I'm a fucking pathetic mess on the inside, and I refuse to let it show.
If he doesn't want to talk to me, that's fine, right? It's not like we have to talk every day, though we used to, and….
Maybe he's decided that he can do better. Maybe he really does want him, Kikumaru, after all, and he’s just afraid to tell me.
If he leaves me...it'll kill me. I don't think he knows that. And I don't care, because I want him to be happy. His happiness is what is most important to me. If that's not with me...I'll wish him the best and send him off with my love and best wishes.
And I'll curl up and die on the inside. But I'm good at doing that. I spent what feels like half my life dead. I can do it again for the rest of it, if I have to.
I just wish I could hear from him. If...if I haven't by Friday, I'll leave one more voice mail. Not breaking up with him--I can't do that, he'll have to be the one to end it--but I'll tell him that I'll stop calling him. If he's that busy...he doesn't need me interrupting him. Maybe he's just tired of hearing from me.
Maybe he's tired of me.
And I can't even ask.
--The End--