The Art of Cool: Class 1, Period 2 (Friday, January 11)
Barney looked around the room. He was Not Pleased to see certain familiar faces. He was also Not Pleased to see a sock puppet. "Seriously? Is that a frog?"
Tink facepalmed. What was this?! Well, at least most of the room appeared to desperately need their help. And she did mean desperately. They were hideously underpaid, if these were the specimens they were hoping to educate. She had expected the worst, and they had exceeded expectations. Excuse her a moment, she needed a drink.
"Just wait until they start blathering about their deep and meaningful love," Barney rolled his eyes at the group before them, wondering if he had time to go back to their office for the scotch.
Tink would need a moment for the dry heaves to settle down. She had just pictured what these significant others must look like, and what the pairs might look like when -- she was not going to elucidate further, as she would like to keep her breakfast down. Which had, of course, been absinthe.
While Tink dry heaved, Barney began the lecture. There was no time for the present. "So, children. You think you have what it takes to be cool?" He didn't expect nor wait for a response. Please, like he cared. "Well, this is the place to test that theory. Today the smoking hot Miss Tinker Bell and I, Barney Stinson, Professor of Awesome, will start you on a path toward greatness. Nay! Toward incredible coolness!"
Tink - having recovered nicely, thank you very much - would like to take a moment to stress the word "toward." She and the delectable Barney would start them toward coolness. How far they travelled on that path would depend on each of them, and not just in a touchy-feely "do your best" sort of way. Some of them were hopeless cases no matter what. That freckled kid who had sent her prank goodies (hello again, and thank you!) was probably one of them.
"Right, toward," Barney repeated. "Let's get this show on the road with some introductory visual aids. Or, as I prefer to call them, visual laids!" Barney was far too amused with himself at times.
Barney's previous class may be familiar with the first chart that appeared on the screen at the front of the room as the Crazy/Hot Scale.
Tink stared at it a moment before dissension in the ranks became apparent. Excuse her? Was he saying all hot girls were crazy? Because she was most definitely hot like a burning thing and she was not crazy at all.
(Tink was, possibly, only minimally self-aware.)
"See, Tink, you fall in the preferred range on the Crazy/Hot scale, as you stay above the Crazy line in the Hot zone, here." He pointed out the location, hoping to appease her. "Unlike most of the hot students here who are completely crazy."
Oh! That was much better. She had thought perhaps ... well. His chart was very misleading but that was quite all right. Tink preened for a moment, as she always did when complimented. Then she produced her own graph, helpfully titled Reasons Teenagers Suck.
Did they see the suck oozing out of their tiny little pores? Sometimes literally, if they noticed the Hygiene listing, and they should. Did they notice how many of the columns were temporary issues that could be resolved with some self-awareness and liberal doses of Clearasil? Granted, others couldn't, but again: toward.
"These are some of the aspects of your uncoolness that we are hoping to enlighten this semester. As stated in the handwavily passed syllabus, some of these items will take more than one period to cover, but only because we just don't see you getting it quickly." He had experience with that, yes.
Or, for some of them, at all, but they shouldn't dwell on such unpleasantness. Now! Was this the part where they picked a minion? Someone to scrape and obey and suck up a lot? She was ever so looking forward to this part. Please? Could they??
"Mmm...minions!" Barney got a dastardly gleam in his eye as he rubbed his hands together dramatically. "We'll be requiring a TA. One among you to rule you all should Miss Bell or I be incapacitated." Aka, too hung over to get to class. "I believe this job also entails the getting and bringing of delicious baked goods."
Random compliments, fetching of booze, the usual duties. This job also had its perks, in that their chosen TA would be privy to their secrets in the extra-special art of cool, and would probably get an A without much effort. And Tink would totally let the TA bogart some of the booze.
"And to decide which of you lucky," he looked around the room, "or possibly lame students should be our TA, we are going to have a Walk-Off."
Tink clapped her hands excitedly. A walk-off! A walk-off! A real, honest for goodness, completely not stolen from that one fabulous movie except it totally was, WALK-OFF. And the winner would be awarded TA-ship! How great was that? It was the best thing ever and now Barney should announce the rules! Hooray!!!
"The rules are as follows," Barney began, queuing up a list on the screen. "You will begin by stating your name, why you're taking this class - and if I hear a single lame 'OMG I didn't mean to!' you're disqualified, one reason you suck, and how you can fix that. Then, you will strut down the runway."
Of course, when you reached the end of the runway, you should pose, and show off some moves. And the next person would then try to do your moves, and possibly complain about how lame your moves were, and then do even better moves of their own. It made perfect sense, right? Didn't they all see meta for Zoolander?
"An excellent film, if lacking in a really powerful soundtrack," Barney added. "So, let the best man win!"
Tink bristled at that. As with so much else in life, the best man in this case would probably be a woman.
[OOC: Because we like them, we must have one, la!]