How to Be Awesome: Period 1, Week 4
Today the class met as handwavily instructed in the computer lab. Despite the change in venue, Barney was dressed in a tan suit with pink shirt and tie, ever on the prowl.
"Alright, geeks. How many of you scored dates from your three minute dating adventures this weekend?" Barney wiggled his eyebrows suggestively, "Come on, share your experience with the rest of the class, don't be shy." Man did he love a dirty story.
When they were finished, he began the day's lecture. "You may have noticed a decided lack of hotties out and about in the bars of this town. Research has led me to conclude that the chicks have simply switched venues, preferring to cast their cleavage at millions of strangers on the internet than at you and your cohorts.
Diversifying Your Dating Portfolio
"At times like these we must remember a gender studies maxim: Women are, if nothing else, cunning. With more and more women turning tail to various online dating platforms, it is the wise man who can alter his approach, tailor his game, and ultimately take back the night. As Charles Darwin sagaciously states in his first sentence of The Origin of Species: 'When chicks adapt, so too must you, if you wanna get laid.'"
Barney turned on the lab view screen to display yet another, glorious table.
The Pros and Cons of Internet Dating
Pros
Cons
Attempt multiple approaches on the same target via multiple portfolios
Must remember assorted passwords / alter egos
Obviates need for wingman, allowing you to taste plumper waters without fear of ridicule
Without fear of ridicule, strong temptation to taste plumper waters
Able to surf through many more potential bunnies than at one pick-up location
Must click through many pictures for one revealing body-shape, leading to potential wrist injury
Women more emboldened to approach you
ALL TYPES of women more emboldened to approach you
Can vet cutlets online for marital history, prison record(s), hints of female activism
Google search may uncover her college lit mag or ill-advised blog, numbing sexual attraction
Include your own soundtrack on profile to help others get psyched
Must listen to others’ crappy music just to look at their pictures
Can send out offerings to numerous candidates in just one night, even while on other dates
Very difficult to ensure candidates are drunk when they receive said offers
"Obviously our pros outweigh our cons. So, without further ado, let's consider how to create an awesome online profile.
Your Profile
"Your online profile is your calling card, the way you represent yourself to babes across the land and seas. So it needs to kick ass. Profiles can be roughly broken down into two parts, the picture and the witty blurb. Both are important, but if you had to choose one to really nail, it should be both of them.
"First you'll need to choose a handle, which protects your privacy and allows you to pretend to be a vast number of different people at the same time. Any four-word phrase whatsoever makes a good handle once you remove the spaces. I have cribbed panty-melting handles from weather reports, Supreme Court decisions, and the backs of cereal boxes. In fact, "anyfourwordphrase" is a pretty sweet one. Dibs on that.
Your Picture (or a picture of some part of your body)
A picture is worth a thousand words, and it's vitally important for luring in chicks who are foreign or can't read. The shot I most often recommend is the extreme close-up. An extreme close-up says a lot about you. It says that you are mysterious and artsy, and that you possess at least one body part. Plus, it's extremely flattering, capable of turning an ordinary dude into a smoldering sex god. Other good pictures to include in your portfolio are pictures of dogs and expensive cars. This ensures the full spectrum of single girls will be attracted to you. For example, this picture shows that this dude has a foot." The following picture appeared on the screen for all to see.
The Witty Blurb (dirty, oh so dirty!)
Brevity is the soul of wit, so don't be suckered by many sites' open-ended 'get to know me' formats into any unnecessary soul-baring. Now is not the time to explore your hopes and dreams for the future or ponder the lyrics to your favorite Tori Amos song. The stigma of Internet dating may be gone, but the stigma of being an irritating loser will never die. Instead, keep your profile Zen and uncluttered, full of white space and none of your own ideas. You can answer direct questions with vaguely-related quotations of famous dead people.
"Don't be too specific in terms of your likes and dislikes. You don't want to alienate any hot 19-year-olds just because they have crappy taste in music. That would be wrong."
"Now, I'd like each of you to create your own online profile and submit it to the dropbox by the end of class."
[ooc: Yeah, maybe five words are mine, all others stolen borrowed from Barney's Blog. It's just too funny not to use. Also, I'm HERE! I'm BORED! ENTERTAIN ME! Extra credit to anyone who understands the 'Dirty, oh so dirty' line. *doubts this will happen* Please wait for the OCD is up! We have a go!]
[ETA: So I forgot to include this link for you to peruse. My bad!]
"Alright, geeks. How many of you scored dates from your three minute dating adventures this weekend?" Barney wiggled his eyebrows suggestively, "Come on, share your experience with the rest of the class, don't be shy." Man did he love a dirty story.
When they were finished, he began the day's lecture. "You may have noticed a decided lack of hotties out and about in the bars of this town. Research has led me to conclude that the chicks have simply switched venues, preferring to cast their cleavage at millions of strangers on the internet than at you and your cohorts.
Diversifying Your Dating Portfolio
"At times like these we must remember a gender studies maxim: Women are, if nothing else, cunning. With more and more women turning tail to various online dating platforms, it is the wise man who can alter his approach, tailor his game, and ultimately take back the night. As Charles Darwin sagaciously states in his first sentence of The Origin of Species: 'When chicks adapt, so too must you, if you wanna get laid.'"
Barney turned on the lab view screen to display yet another, glorious table.
The Pros and Cons of Internet Dating
Pros
Cons
Attempt multiple approaches on the same target via multiple portfolios
Must remember assorted passwords / alter egos
Obviates need for wingman, allowing you to taste plumper waters without fear of ridicule
Without fear of ridicule, strong temptation to taste plumper waters
Able to surf through many more potential bunnies than at one pick-up location
Must click through many pictures for one revealing body-shape, leading to potential wrist injury
Women more emboldened to approach you
ALL TYPES of women more emboldened to approach you
Can vet cutlets online for marital history, prison record(s), hints of female activism
Google search may uncover her college lit mag or ill-advised blog, numbing sexual attraction
Include your own soundtrack on profile to help others get psyched
Must listen to others’ crappy music just to look at their pictures
Can send out offerings to numerous candidates in just one night, even while on other dates
Very difficult to ensure candidates are drunk when they receive said offers
"Obviously our pros outweigh our cons. So, without further ado, let's consider how to create an awesome online profile.
Your Profile
"Your online profile is your calling card, the way you represent yourself to babes across the land and seas. So it needs to kick ass. Profiles can be roughly broken down into two parts, the picture and the witty blurb. Both are important, but if you had to choose one to really nail, it should be both of them.
"First you'll need to choose a handle, which protects your privacy and allows you to pretend to be a vast number of different people at the same time. Any four-word phrase whatsoever makes a good handle once you remove the spaces. I have cribbed panty-melting handles from weather reports, Supreme Court decisions, and the backs of cereal boxes. In fact, "anyfourwordphrase" is a pretty sweet one. Dibs on that.
Your Picture (or a picture of some part of your body)
A picture is worth a thousand words, and it's vitally important for luring in chicks who are foreign or can't read. The shot I most often recommend is the extreme close-up. An extreme close-up says a lot about you. It says that you are mysterious and artsy, and that you possess at least one body part. Plus, it's extremely flattering, capable of turning an ordinary dude into a smoldering sex god. Other good pictures to include in your portfolio are pictures of dogs and expensive cars. This ensures the full spectrum of single girls will be attracted to you. For example, this picture shows that this dude has a foot." The following picture appeared on the screen for all to see.
The Witty Blurb (dirty, oh so dirty!)
Brevity is the soul of wit, so don't be suckered by many sites' open-ended 'get to know me' formats into any unnecessary soul-baring. Now is not the time to explore your hopes and dreams for the future or ponder the lyrics to your favorite Tori Amos song. The stigma of Internet dating may be gone, but the stigma of being an irritating loser will never die. Instead, keep your profile Zen and uncluttered, full of white space and none of your own ideas. You can answer direct questions with vaguely-related quotations of famous dead people.
"Don't be too specific in terms of your likes and dislikes. You don't want to alienate any hot 19-year-olds just because they have crappy taste in music. That would be wrong."
"Now, I'd like each of you to create your own online profile and submit it to the dropbox by the end of class."
[ooc: Yeah, maybe five words are mine, all others stolen borrowed from Barney's Blog. It's just too funny not to use. Also, I'm HERE! I'm BORED! ENTERTAIN ME! Extra credit to anyone who understands the 'Dirty, oh so dirty' line. *doubts this will happen* Please wait for the OCD is up! We have a go!]
[ETA: So I forgot to include this link for you to peruse. My bad!]