How to Be Awesome: Period 1, Week 3
Students would find the danger shop set up like a regular college lecture hall: horrid seats with attached desktops, podium, and video screen. They would also find Barney typically suited up.
"To begin, Jim Halpert has earned top marks for his radio broadcast. That was some amazing ass-kissing and well-worth the effort. People, you should follow in Jim's footsteps for he is well on his way up the awesome ladder." Barney grinned at Jim assuming he came to class, "Legendary broadcast, Jim! The rest of you: I look forward to watching you get denied on tape," Barney then informed the class that he would watch their videos as soon as he received the links tapes and provide feedback accordingly. He then began the lesson.
"This week we will focus on selecting and using an appropriate persona so as to more effectively pick up quality cutlets. Remember that you must always perform CSI before attempting to dot the i with your cutlet. If you fail to do so, you might end up with a Michelle Gutierrez and none of us wants that."
Barney clicked on the projector and a lovely table appeared on screen:
Just Say NO
Green Means Go
Student
International Businessman
Wizard
Spy (FBI/CIA/MI-5)
Computer...anything
Doctor/Veterinarian
Secretary
Pro Sports Agent
Clerk
Ornamental Glass Distributor
"Here are some workable and some heinous personas for you to practice on each other. Those who want to argue the Wizard line, remind me, how much ass did Barry Plodder get during his time in school?" Barney pretended to answer his cell phone, "What's that, Barry? None? K, thanks, bye!" He put away the phone, looked at his students, and continued. "Those of you who don't possess accents should attempt to adopt one for your role, as accents equal action," Barney then instructed students to partner up and begin the role playing activity.
"For homework, I encourage you all to talk to real live women by attending the 3 minute dating session at Caritas this weekend. Which reminds me, check it. New thing. The Lemon Law. On a blind date and realize whoever set you up with this uggo is truly not your friend? You're free to go. Walk into a coffee shop and spot a muffin top spilling all over the hottie you've been chatting with online? Walk away, my friend. Eject. Abort. Do not pass Go. The Lemon Law allows you to bail on any date in the first five minutes, no questions asked. Consider it a hall pass for dating.
"Hand out these cards to your friends."
Vocabulary Terms Defined:
Bon Mots - From the French, literally "the awesome words coined by Barney"
Dot the I - To close the deal with a cutlet you've been working.
Cutlet - A juicy, flavorful morsel one can enjoy with a glass of Merlot.
CSI - Crazy Scary Investigation. It's important to weed out the crazies and scaries before you investigate them further. Yeah.
Michelle Guiterrez - An unfortunate trait or habit that will bother you beyond endurance, rendering further contact with said cutlet impossible and turning up in your nightmares for weeks to follow. If said trait manifests itself within the first five minutes of an encounter one can, of course, invoke the Lemon Law.
Pullin' Chute - To abort a romantic initiation. The opposite of dotting the i.
[ooc: yes, I thieve from canon. Also, please to be linking Barney to all your most excellent pick up line adventures so he can comment accordingly. Wait for OCD is up! I am bored!]