Sex Ed the GOB Bluth Way #7, Monday, Period 3
"Well, this is our last class together. I just want to thank you for not being as terrible to deal with as I thought you were going to be after the first couple weeks. You've all proven that you have at least some idea of what you're doing with this whole sex thing, even if it's just a basic 'this goes here, start humping' thing. After these past several weeks, I'm confident that if all of you try hard enough, you'll be able to bone anyone you want. Remember, booze is your friend if you're out-matched."
"And that leads me to this week's lesson. Sure, the lead-in and the actual act is important, but you can't forget what comes after that: the morning after. In some ways, this is the most important part of sex because it can set the stage for whether or not you're going to get anything else from the person you woke up next to, whether you want to or not. That's why I call this lesson 'The Morning After: Escaping With Dignity and/or Your Pants.'"
"There are several possibilities when you wake up. All of these assume that you're at their place, for the record. If they're at your place, screw this, you can do whatever you want up to and including wearing their underwear on your head and making them call you Commander Jockstrap. Don't do that, though. It makes you sound like a pothead."
"Let's start with those cases where you actually want to stick around for a little bit. The best way to make sure this happens is to lock your partner into the Post-Coital Death Grip, or 'Cuddling.' Either they'll like it and want you to stay and then you'll get a free meal out of it and maybe a morning quickie, or they'll hate the fact that you're still there and try to escape. Don't let that happen. Hold on for dear life until they either offer to give you that free meal or make you let go with a morning quickie. You're sticking around, it's your right to get one of those two things."
"Once you get whatever it is you want, it's time to make a decision. If you want to hook up with them again, be polite, thank them for whatever they gave you, make sure they have your phone number, or if they didn't seem to like you, leave something behind like a hat or your underwear. This will force them to meet you at least one more time and you can thank them by getting naked so fast they don't even have time to tell you that they hate your guts. I wear pants that rip off easily just for that. If you're done with them, make sure they know it. Tell them that the baby chicks that would have been in the eggs they made you died for no good reason, then throw coffee at them. Make sure they never want to see you again, either. That will make things easier for both of you."
If you don't want to stick around in the morning, your best bet is to wake up first. Then you don't have to worry about what your partner wants. The key to this is a balance of three things: speed, stealth, and not forgetting stuff. Once you're out of the bed while your partner is asleep, you have no clue what might wake them up. So find your clothes as quickly as possible and put them on without making noise. If you need to sit down to get something on, don't sit on the bed. That might wake your partner up. And then rush out, being very careful with opening and closing doors. Just make sure you have everything you need. In order of importance, the things you CANNOT forget are your keys, your pants, and your shirt. Your keys because without your keys you can't get home. Your pants because that makes people look at you funny and it means you get arrested if you left your underwear on purpose as a reason to hook up with them later. And your shirt because, come on, who leaves a shirt? Idiot."
"Again, you have a decision here. If you want to hook up again, leave a note. 'Sorry, but I had to go to work and you're so beautiful while you were sleeping that I couldn't stand the thought of waking you up.' Some crap like that. If you don't think that will work, leave an object like your underwear. BUT MAKE SURE YOU HAVE YOUR PANTS. I can't stress that enough. And if you never want to see them again, you can either just leave without a word, or leave a note saying, 'Hey, that sucked. I've done better by myself,' or something, or steal their TV. That one always gets them. Just be sure to sell it quickly because they know who you are and that you probably took the TV. If you really want a new TV, buy a new one with the money you got from the old one."
"And the final possibility for waking up in the morning is that you screwed them to death, either because of heart problems or because you're so good that they had no reason to live anymore. If that happens, stay in the apartment and call the police. If the night was good enough to kill someone, there's probably DNA evidence all over them, the bed, the floor, the walls, the ceiling, the cat, everywhere. It's best to explain to the officer that you were just having fun, and maybe offer to blow the officer to make sure everything goes your way. It's a small price to pay for not going to jail."
"So for your last activity in here, you're going to pair up in one of four different scenarios. One person will be the guest, deciding whether they want to stay or leave and if they want to break things off or try to score brownie points to try to score again later on. The other person in each pair will be the person who's home they went back to. You can do whatever the hell you want. That's the rule."
"We have a fake bed--" What made a bed 'fake' was clearly up for debate because it certainly seemed to be an actual bed, "-- here for you to climb into and play the scene. Stay clothed, though, because I've been warned about nudity in class. If you're going to go with sex or eating, just say, like, 'And then we had a lot of sex' or 'then she made me breakfast' or 'then I made breakfast and ate it off her stomach' or something. No details, just leading in and reactions afterwards. Oh, and if you need to simulate getting into clothes, we have big overalls for you to put on over your clothes."
"Let's go!"
[OOC: It's been a ton of fun, thanks!
There is no limit on how many pairs can participate in any given scenario.]
"And that leads me to this week's lesson. Sure, the lead-in and the actual act is important, but you can't forget what comes after that: the morning after. In some ways, this is the most important part of sex because it can set the stage for whether or not you're going to get anything else from the person you woke up next to, whether you want to or not. That's why I call this lesson 'The Morning After: Escaping With Dignity and/or Your Pants.'"
"There are several possibilities when you wake up. All of these assume that you're at their place, for the record. If they're at your place, screw this, you can do whatever you want up to and including wearing their underwear on your head and making them call you Commander Jockstrap. Don't do that, though. It makes you sound like a pothead."
"Let's start with those cases where you actually want to stick around for a little bit. The best way to make sure this happens is to lock your partner into the Post-Coital Death Grip, or 'Cuddling.' Either they'll like it and want you to stay and then you'll get a free meal out of it and maybe a morning quickie, or they'll hate the fact that you're still there and try to escape. Don't let that happen. Hold on for dear life until they either offer to give you that free meal or make you let go with a morning quickie. You're sticking around, it's your right to get one of those two things."
"Once you get whatever it is you want, it's time to make a decision. If you want to hook up with them again, be polite, thank them for whatever they gave you, make sure they have your phone number, or if they didn't seem to like you, leave something behind like a hat or your underwear. This will force them to meet you at least one more time and you can thank them by getting naked so fast they don't even have time to tell you that they hate your guts. I wear pants that rip off easily just for that. If you're done with them, make sure they know it. Tell them that the baby chicks that would have been in the eggs they made you died for no good reason, then throw coffee at them. Make sure they never want to see you again, either. That will make things easier for both of you."
If you don't want to stick around in the morning, your best bet is to wake up first. Then you don't have to worry about what your partner wants. The key to this is a balance of three things: speed, stealth, and not forgetting stuff. Once you're out of the bed while your partner is asleep, you have no clue what might wake them up. So find your clothes as quickly as possible and put them on without making noise. If you need to sit down to get something on, don't sit on the bed. That might wake your partner up. And then rush out, being very careful with opening and closing doors. Just make sure you have everything you need. In order of importance, the things you CANNOT forget are your keys, your pants, and your shirt. Your keys because without your keys you can't get home. Your pants because that makes people look at you funny and it means you get arrested if you left your underwear on purpose as a reason to hook up with them later. And your shirt because, come on, who leaves a shirt? Idiot."
"Again, you have a decision here. If you want to hook up again, leave a note. 'Sorry, but I had to go to work and you're so beautiful while you were sleeping that I couldn't stand the thought of waking you up.' Some crap like that. If you don't think that will work, leave an object like your underwear. BUT MAKE SURE YOU HAVE YOUR PANTS. I can't stress that enough. And if you never want to see them again, you can either just leave without a word, or leave a note saying, 'Hey, that sucked. I've done better by myself,' or something, or steal their TV. That one always gets them. Just be sure to sell it quickly because they know who you are and that you probably took the TV. If you really want a new TV, buy a new one with the money you got from the old one."
"And the final possibility for waking up in the morning is that you screwed them to death, either because of heart problems or because you're so good that they had no reason to live anymore. If that happens, stay in the apartment and call the police. If the night was good enough to kill someone, there's probably DNA evidence all over them, the bed, the floor, the walls, the ceiling, the cat, everywhere. It's best to explain to the officer that you were just having fun, and maybe offer to blow the officer to make sure everything goes your way. It's a small price to pay for not going to jail."
"So for your last activity in here, you're going to pair up in one of four different scenarios. One person will be the guest, deciding whether they want to stay or leave and if they want to break things off or try to score brownie points to try to score again later on. The other person in each pair will be the person who's home they went back to. You can do whatever the hell you want. That's the rule."
"We have a fake bed--" What made a bed 'fake' was clearly up for debate because it certainly seemed to be an actual bed, "-- here for you to climb into and play the scene. Stay clothed, though, because I've been warned about nudity in class. If you're going to go with sex or eating, just say, like, 'And then we had a lot of sex' or 'then she made me breakfast' or 'then I made breakfast and ate it off her stomach' or something. No details, just leading in and reactions afterwards. Oh, and if you need to simulate getting into clothes, we have big overalls for you to put on over your clothes."
"Let's go!"
[OOC: It's been a ton of fun, thanks!
There is no limit on how many pairs can participate in any given scenario.]