Answer: style options for long, wordy, repetitive sentences

[supercheesegirl]

Question: mirror_mirrin asks, What style options are there for sentences which repeat the same word (e.g., "the," "a," "that")? (ex. John leaned over the table at the mess hall to give Rodney a kiss goodbye before leaving for the war games planned on the Athosian mainland.)

There's not really anything wrong with repeating little words in a sentence, but there'

Comments

[dark_weezing]

Bless you, as that's been something I think about in my fanfiction. I always try to not to repeat certain words in my narration or dialogue, like you cited.

Simplify, right?

[supercheesegirl]

In some cases, yes! Fewer words get the point across faster.

[campylobacter]

I totally agree on your overall assessment; blaming definite articles for a sentence "clunking" overlooks the larger problem: lack of narrative style.

Transforming a bland bit of exposition... John leaned over the table at the mess hall to give Rodney a kiss goodbye before leaving for the war games planned on the Athosian mainland.
Into dialog with character interaction and in-universe detail... "Have fun shooting P-90 blanks at our Athosian friends," grumbled Rodney, snatching the last noodle from John's lunch tray.

John leaned over the table and surprised the scientist with a goodbye kiss. "No submachine guns at these war games; I'm using the crossbow and paint arrows you made me."
...makes a more entertaining story.

[supercheesegirl]

Switching to dialogue is always a good option!

[snailbones]

I just gave up on a fic for this very reason (amazing for me - I don't give up easily *g*). After six pages of plod plod plod my brain refused to go on; it was well written, grammatically correct, and probably a really good tale in there somewhere, but oh! too many words *g*.

I do wonder if it's something that's easy to spot when you're reading, and not so much so when you're writing.

[supercheesegirl]

I do wonder if it's something that's easy to spot when you're reading, and not so much so when you're writing.

I think that can definitely be true! In that case, some of the tips I've mentioned here might be good for beta readers to remember (or to gently direct the writer to this post!).

[unfeathered]

Thank you so much for this! Wordiness is a huge problem in my writing and it's nice to have an arsenal available next time I need to rewrite a section! :-)

[supercheesegirl]

Glad to help!

Re: This is great.

[supercheesegirl]

Thanks! Glad I could help. I always think that 90% of writing is revision: on the first draft, you have to just get the words on the page, get all the details down, and you can't pay attention to nitpicky editing details, but then you go back for the revision, and that's where the real work happens! :)