Glee - Rectified Mistakes Part 1
Title: Rectified Mistakes Part One
Fandom: Glee
Pairing: Quinn/Rachel, minor Santana/Brittany, mention of Quinn/Santana/Brittany
Words: 13,794
Rating: NC-17
Spoilers: Up to sectionals
Copyright: Glee owns what they own.
Warning: Some Dom/Sub play, minor violence (not sexual), dark content/angsty
Summary: Quinn has hit bottom. Time to climb back up again with a little help.
A/N: Sequel to Go with the Flow I might continue with what would become Quinn/Santana/Rachel/Brittany (OT4 love! Hehehe) I hope you all like.
There used to be a time when Quinn felt certainty. The world and its functions made sense, a system of patterns and rules, the consequences and rewards. She had believed in this reality of processes and protocols, and thrived in it.
She had seen this structure in every facet of her life. In her home, in her school, among her peers and within her religion, everything functioned according to the same set of restrictions.
As she grew up she quickly learned that this system was built on lies. The foundation was an illusion and at the top of the hierarchy were those who knew how to keep up appearances the best. They were the leaders and managers, the popular and powerful. They were the ones who got to manipulate the illusion and put it to their use. These people were also the cruel, vicious bastards who could - in one fell swoop - destroy anyone and everything.
At the age of five, after witnessing a group of girls beat the emotional crap out of one awkward little boy, she decided she wanted to be one of those bastards. Never would she allow anyone to treat her like that and the only way to guarantee protection was to take absolute control of the system. She turned cold and callous.
At the height of her power, her parents were eating out of her hand, along with an entire high school and there was nothing she could not have. Father had laughed, told her she had a guardian angel blessing her every endeavour. And she felt it was true. There was even hope for her to leave Lima, to spread her influence and rise up the ranks. She had been looking forward to a challenge, a change of pace and to taste the new flavour of affluence.
Manipulation and control were two things she had been very good at. Everything was planned out, she would excel in school, gain notice for her cheerleading, grab a scholarship and go to university. In her own way, she loved Finn, but she was prepared to discard him if he couldn’t follow her. Part of being in control was knowing when to be flexible. To adapt to change. She had watched many people fall simply because they failed to keep up with the ever moving current of life. It was normal; it was a constant test of faith.
As she leaned over the railing of the bridge to gaze upon the moonlit river surrounded by snow covered trees, she again reflected on the events of her life that had led to her failure. What had tipped the halo off her head. Over and over again she wished she had never gone to Puck’s. She wished she hadn’t had anything to drink. She wished her uterus was a barren wasteland. Her mind went over the possibilities, obsessively dancing around the things that could have been.
Why couldn’t Puck have put on a condom? The sleazy shithead knew all about sex, had done it a hundred times, but no condom. Why couldn’t she have had a miscarriage like most normal women did? Why did she have to be fertile? Why didn't she have the courage or frame of mind to abort? Why did she have to care about the damn thing? Why didn't she just work out to stop feeling fat?
After years of self discipline she had a moment of epic stupidity and everything was taken from her.
Quinn pressed herself more firmly against the railing, resting her chin in her crossed arms. The weather was colder than usual and she was not dressed appropriately for it, but her health was the least of her concerns. After giving up the baby for adoption she didn't have anything to guilt-trip her into caring. If anything, she welcomed the cruel icy bite of the wind, a taste of the kind of person she had become.
Quinn wondered if there was a possible way to destroy the system. To completely uproot it. Only a couple of months ago the idea would have horrified her. It had been good to her. Everything had been going smoothly. Then she screwed up and screwed Puck.
She drummed her fingers on the railing, watching the current and the white puffs of air that left her nose. Always watching, she had always paid attention to the current, trying keep her head above the water. Trying not to drown. Now that she stood there, stripped of all her privilege and bare, she contemplated just letting herself sink.
It would be agony, brutal torture... but only for a brief moment. Then blissful silence, no more reminiscing and she could stop mourning over the death of her future. Her musings were just that, flights of fancy not meant to be taken seriously.
Yet.
She still had to decide what scared her more: living this life or hellfire. Lately she was coming to terms with the fact that she was basically guaranteed a place in hell regardless of what she did from that point on. She had fucked Puck, she didn't keep her baby, and she had no family and no friends. Now Santana had the run of the school, cock-strutting through the halls and barking orders at her. At Quinn-fucking-Fabray. And she was too absorbed in her self-loathing to care. Had allowed it happen because it was punishment for her sins. She had done.... something with Brittany and Santana that she never wanted to think about again.
Her gut clenched sickeningly and she had to shake her head to clear her mind of unbidden thoughts. It helped. She went back to reliving the past.
Puck. She had sex with Puck. All because she had felt fat. Now she had a few faint stretch lines on the small paunch of fat she hadn’t even tried to get rid of even though she had almost a year to get rid of it. It was almost ironic. With her taut cheerleader’s body she had felt disgusting. How did she solve the issue? Why, she got pregnant of course! What the hell had she been thinking? What on earth made her feel so fugly she went, of all places, to Puck’s for fun?
Man hands.
A bark of laughter escaped her throat, so pained and vile it disturbed her.
It was true. Rachel Berry, a constant source of aggravation in her life, had made her feel fat. It had taken her months of digging deep within her brain, agonizing over the little details that had led to her punishment, until she had found it.
She had been trying, for the millionth time, to put Berry in her place. And that nauseating brunette just bounced right back up. Again. It was always the same dance. No matter what Quinn did the brunette just seemed to grow a little stronger each time. It was unfathomable, how one small peppy girl could take so much abuse and just grow. She disobeyed all the rules. Berry was social leprosy, everyone attacked her from all sides and the woman smiled brighter for it.
Quinn had tried to call the agitating Chihuahua fat. Couldn't even remember what she had said and couldn't remember what Berry’s response had been. Someone had slushied the diva and that should have been it. But it hadn’t been. She felt like crap. Then she went to Puck.
Though she didn't blame Berry for it, not really, after all the girl never actually thought before she spoke. She did most of her damage to Quinn without even knowing it. Though Quinn got a taste of just how deeply the girl could stab someone in the back when she ratted the pregnant girl out. At first she had been relieved to have the secret out. No more burden... but then what was left of her shamble of a life imploded.
“Quinn.”
Quinn’s mind felt a little fuzzy. It occurred to her she had been standing out in the cold night for perhaps longer than she should have.
“Quinn?”
She frowned at the river, almost accusingly, because for a second there she could have sworn that Smurf had called her name. It had to be all the introspection, she had lost her mind. Had she jumped into the river without realising it?
A hand landed on her shoulder and she almost jumped out of her skin in an effort to jerk away from her assailant. Her whole body flushed with heat. To her astonishment the brunette was standing right there wearing a god-awful puffy neon pink winter jacket and Santa hat. Dark eyes watched with concern.
“What the hell are you doing here?” Quinn asked in a daze, her mind trying to wrap around the fact that this girl had just happened to show up when she was thinking about her. Like some telepathic demon come to terrorize Quinn on call.
“You know Quinn I could ask the same of you. At least I am wearing temperature appropriate attire so that my presence here is less out of place than yours. With the northern cold front we are experiencing harsher winter conditions and you are greatly risking the possibility of disrupting the homeostasis of your core temperature by standing here in that thin jean jacket. You could catch hypothermia.”
Quinn relaxed as Rachel went on as she typically did, at length, about things she didn't care to hear about.
“Go away Berry.”
“Where do you live.”
It wasn’t so much a question and it made Quinn pause. Under the street light she could make out Rachel’s face. There was a determined look about her and it automatically made Quinn wary.
“I told you, at my cousin’s.” Actually she hadn’t told Rachel directly, but word got around fast.
“You aren’t living at your cousin’s.”
Quinn felt her stomach sink. She couldn't believe it. Rachel couldn't have... but then... this was Rachel.
“What are you talking about? I’m living at my cousin’s. Did you finally pop a vessel in your brain after all that singing?” She tried to pretend she was exasperated and not panicking.
“You’re thinner than you used to be.”
“Giving birth will do that to some women.” But she knew Rachel wouldn’t drop it and all she had done by responding was make it imperative for the other girl to go on a list of all the symptoms she had observed.
“Your skin colour is off, you wear the same clothes to school over and over and you don’t even wear the same number of clothes you used to. I counted five shirts, two jeans and only one pair of shoes. You don’t have lunch anymore. Brittany and Santana tell me you haven’t had a single sleepover at their house or yours. In fact, no one has ever visited you at your cousin’s house. And... you kind of smell bad.”
Quinn clenched her jaw and tried to keep from screaming at the other girl.
“Fuck off Berry.”
Chocolate eyes widened in surprise at her language. Quinn stopped breathing as she watched Rachel do what Rachel did best. Take the blow, absorb it, and grow stronger. The strength in the diva’s eyes made her tremble a little. Her defences had been weakened severely and Quinn panicked internally, fully aware that she was nowhere near prepared for Rachel Berry’s attention. When that girl focused on something that was it, there were few people on the planet who could shake her off.
“S-stop.” She stammered, inwardly flinching at how frail she sounded. Her heart was in her throat. Suddenly the smurfette looked ten feet tall in her mind. Rachel seemed to sense something was off because she showed Quinn mercy and kept quiet.
“I have to go. I have curfew. I’m going to be late.”
Quinn tried to walk past her but had Rachel grabbed her arm and was already leading her away.
“I can give you a ride! I brought my dad’s car. The heater should help you feel better before we get there.” Her tone was cheerful but Quinn knew the girl was more interested in finding out where she lived.
“I’m fine.” She yanked her arm but Rachel’s grip only tightened. “Let me go! I can make my way home by myself!”
“Quinn it would be safer and healthier for you to - “
“I don’t care! I don’t want to get in the car with you! If you don’t let me go I’m fucking calling rape!”
“Quinn.” Rachel’s intense gaze connected with her tired hazel. “I'm going to be honest with you. If you don’t get in the car with me, I am going to follow you. I brought my best boots and got well dressed in preparation for the possibility that I could end up in this situation. I am adequately prepared to spend the night out with you. So please get into the car. It would be more convenient for the both of us if you complied.”
Frustration burned in her blood and she felt angered tears well up in her eyes at the realization that Rachel was completely serious.
“I’ll call the cops on you.”
“Alright.” Rachel nodded calmly, reaching into her pocket for a fluffy black hat to put over her head. It too was oversized and looked warm. “You know the number.”
They stood there, facing off, with Rachel calling her bluff.
Shit.
“Fine. Where the hell is your car?” She had already started walking, her steps sharp against the pavement.
“We have to cross the street.” Rachel was already beside her, a little bundle of energy, excited to ruin Quinn all over again. She felt a headache coming on.
When they got to the car Quinn already made up a plan. She gave Rachel an address while the girl started up the heater and moved the car out of park. They said nothing to one another as they traveled, Quinn resolutely staring out the window and ignoring the other girl.
After about fifteen minutes they came to a stop at a small house. Quinn turned to Rachel.
“Satisfied?” She smirked, opening the car door. What she hadn’t anticipated was Rachel getting out of the car with her. “What are you doing?”
The look on Rachel’s face made her feel sick. There was empathy, kindness and sadness.
“Just making sure you get home safely.”
They stood by the car, Quinn staring at the house blankly. It was a full five minutes before anyone said anything.
“What do you want Berry?” Her voice was soft and tired.
“Where do you live Quinn?”
“Does it make you feel good to do this to me?”
“Just tell me where you live, Quinn.”
She couldn't decide what she wanted to do more. To scream at the brunette or burst into frustrated tears.
“I live in a women’s shelter, Rachel.” She snarled, trying to mock the singer.
There was a slight pause before Rachel opened up the passenger’s side of the car.
“Alright then. Get into the car.”
Quinn raised a surprised eyebrow but Rachel was already making her way to the driver’s seat. She hesitantly gave Rachel directions, though still in the opposite direction of the shelter she was living in. The last thing she wanted was the girl visiting her there. She would just take a bus back.
Rachel put the car in drive and Quinn lay back in her seat, grateful that the singer was quiet. Probably busy pitying her or feeling guilty for making Quinn expose herself, she mused.
Too late she had realised they weren’t going to the address she had told Rachel to stop at. The car pulled into the driveway of a house.
Before Quinn could ask what was going on the brunette had turned the car off and was walking to the front door.
“Rachel?” she called, sticking her head out the door and finally stepping out when Rachel ignored her and entered the house, leaving the door open.
Quinn stood there for a moment, feeling stupid. She had no idea what was going on but knew Rachel wanted her to get into the house. Frowning, she entered the building, closing the door behind her, and let the heat seep into her bones. It felt comforting.
She followed the noise to a brightly coloured room where Rachel was busy rummaging through her drawers.
“The bathroom is to my right, you should probably shower... not to offend you but I’d prefer it if you didn't take the various odours you’ve accumulated at the shelter to my bed” She drew out a pair of shorts and shirt. “I’d offer bottoms but I’m shorter than you so it would probably make you uncomfortable and I think you’ll already have trouble adjusting. We have a guest room dad turned into an office but I think I can convince them to change it back after I’ve told them your story.”
Quinn gaped at Rachel uncomprehendingly. At first it had made no sense at all, then she briefly got the full picture and her mind melted.
“What?”
“Oh. You’ll be staying here. I mean, I did act as the catalyst to your current situation and I feel it only ethical and reasonable that I aid you in your recovery.”
“Fuck you.”
Rachel canted her head, dark eyes still blazing with confidence.
“They’ll be back around midnight so I should have time to stop by the shelter and grab your things for you. Then I think we might want to talk to my parents about getting you some new clothes-” Her words were cut off by Quinn abruptly turning and leaving the room.
The glacial weather quickly engulfed her like an old friend and Quinn found herself breathing easier the second she stepped out of that oven of a house. It was windier than when she had been at the bridge, much stronger. But she could still hear the footsteps behind her as she tried to make her way to the bus stop on the main street.
“Quinn.”
She kept her head down, her crippled pride refusing to let her stop. Not Rachel Berry. Anyone but Rachel Berry.
“Quinn!”
But it was always Rachel Berry. The girl would never go away. She would never ever go away. Quinn found it difficult to breathe, her heart racing in her throat and she didn't understand why.
“Leave me alone.” She half whispered, sure that the wind took her voice away.
“Quinn it isn’t safe for you.”
“Leave me alone!” The panic turned to anger. This was an emotion she understood, a feeling she harvested and nourished. It was one small thread of power left to her.
“Quinn! Turn around now and get back in the house!” Rachel’s voice snapped through the air and whipped Quinn from within. She stopped and turned sharply, making the brunette nearly slam into her as she tried to keep up with Quinn’s longer stride.
“Watch your mouth you midget bitch!” She slammed her hands against Rachel’s shoulders and jerked the girl backwards, but Rachel caught her balance back quickly. All that damn dance training.
“You have to come back.” Her words were calm, but Rachel’s eyes were on fire. There was fanatic conviction in those eyes which were dark as onyx in the night.
“Don't piss me off Berry. I know where you live now.” She sneered, trying not to waver in the heat of Rachel’s doggedness.
“You have to....” the brunette paused, steeling herself even more. “If you don’t come back right this instant Quinn, I will inform the school and they will inform social services -“
The fierce wind swallowed the dull thud of Quinn’s fist slamming into Rachel’s face. The brunette gaped in horror as she stumbled back, clutching her left eye as the former head cheerleader leapt for her.
Before Rachel could so much as make a run for it Quinn had pinned her to the ground, punching her wherever Rachel left herself unprotected.
“FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING BITCH! You worthless little freak! FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU!”
The words came out as a mantra. All the rage and resentment she had kept swallowed since the baby was born unleashed. She wasn’t even attacking Rachel. In her mind she was trying to tear her parents to pieces for abandoning her. For showing her the true value of family. She was trying to beat the shit out of Puck for taking advantage. To destroy Finn for quickly dismissing her because of her mistakes. To wipe that smug little smirk of Santana’s face. And to beat herself up properly, to punish herself for her weaknesses and for tossing her life away.
She wished she could break Rachel’s nose since that was the one thing Rachel didn't want broken.
But she wasn’t fit. Her body was hollowed out from depression, stress and neglect. All her effort had been put into that first punch and Rachel seemed to quickly realise this, deftly avoiding every blow until she flipped Quinn over onto the snow face down.
“Quinn-“ she grunted as an elbow landed in her stomach.
“Let me go! Fuck you Rachel! I fucking hate you! I hate you so goddamn much! You-you fucked me up! You fucked me! You and everyone else! I hate you all!” She was furious and sick of everything. Her mind reeled with everything that she had been through, all she had lost.
“Fuck you! And fuck Puck! Fuck Finn!”
“It was a mistake!” Rachel tried to calm Quinn. “No one meant to leave you Quinn; you just pulled away from everyone at the wrong time!” She struggled to pin the blond girl’s left arm behind her back and try to grab the other one that was flailing in an attempt to flip Rachel over.
“Mistake?! Fuck the mistakes! I make one mistake one stupid fucking mistake and this is my punishment?!” Hot salty tears burned her eyes, the cold air shredding her throat as she took deep erratic gulps. “I did everything Berry! Oh God, I did everything.” She sobbed. “I did eh-everything I was s-s-supposed to! Went to church, prayed.... wouldn’t even l-l-let Finn touch me! One fucking mistake! I was head cheerleader, I w-was head of the celibacy club! I-I-I d-d-“ it was getting harder to speak, she was choking, finally drowning in her despair and fury.
“Oh Quinn....” Rachel murmured softly, shifting her weight so she wasn’t leaning entirely on the girl, but tried to hold her as best she could, spooning Quinn from behind.
“This is my punishment.” A flare of anger surged once more and she reached within, digging as deeply as she could for her most raw hatred and shouted to the heavens from her place on the frozen earth.
“MY PUNISHMENT! Fuck you God! People are out there doing whatever the fuck they want-“ Her stomach clenched at the thought of Santana, fucking people left and right, not giving a damn about religion, standing at the top of the ladder and reaping the rewards of having simply associated with Quinn all those years.
“I’m going to take you home-” Rachel’s words faltered as Quinn let out a maddened shriek, suddenly convulsing in her attempt to throw the brunette off her.
“I would rather die here than go to you for anything! I am tired, so fucking tired of needing help! I don’t need help anymore. I don’t need it from anyone, especially you - you fucking troll! What is wrong with you?” The panic was coming back. “Why are you so demented? I beat and beat at you and you keep coming back! I can’t stop you! Nothing - can - stop - you!”
“You need to breathe! You’re hyperventilating.”
“Oh-my-god” she still couldn't breathe, even when Rachel got off her and pulled her into a sitting position. It wasn’t until Rachel positioned her head between her knees and put a hand to her back that she started getting some of her breath back though she couldn't stop these rapid shallow gasps.
“Why- why are you do-doing this. You-you’re fucking - in - indestruct -“
“Shhh” The hand rubbed circles on Quinn’s back and only made her more disoriented.
“You - you can do anything. You’re just- just fucking perfect -” Rachel’s hand froze while Quinn’s eyes glazed over from the lack of air and pumped adrenaline. “Like - I don’t understand - I could never - and I tried - but you’re just everything - everything - everything I can’t be - and I give up - you win. I hate - hate you so much. I hate you - oh God - I hate you so much.”
“We.... we need to get back into the house. You’re freezing.” Rachel wrapped her arms around Quinn, surprised when the blond pressed her face to Rachel’s collarbone.
“Ohhhhh God no....” Her voice came out in a desperate cry. “Please Rachel nooooo....” she sobbed. “I j-just wanna go home. Please don’t make me go Rachel. Please. Please, Rachel, please...”
Her mind was a whirl of self hatred and pity so she didn't notice Rachel struggle for a moment before her resolve came back to her. Without a word, Quinn felt herself be picked up from the snow, her legs weak and wobbly. She no longer had any control. Quinn had broken down, renounced her faith and let her raw open wounds out into the open for Berry’s intense gaze. Never had she felt more exposed and bare than that moment and she felt dead. All her willpower was gone and Rachel could do with her what she liked. Unsurprisingly, in a few short minutes she felt warmth seep into her flesh and it hurt. It hurt to feel heat after so much cold.
She could dazedly understand what was going on. Quinn took a slow shower in Rachel’s bathroom, unable to recall how she’d gotten there and where Rachel had gone off to. A lot of time passed by and she came out of the washroom dressed in Rachel’s shirt and shorts to see that what few possessions she had at the shelter were laid out on Rachel’s bed. She stared at it until Rachel came in a couple of seconds later.
Rachel had a black eye and a bruised lip with a healing cut. They said nothing to one another as Rachel handed her a bowl full of soup.
“It’s a bit cooler than it should be but you took a while in the shower. Tonight you will sleep here and I’ll sleep on the couch.”
Quinn nodded numbly and when Rachel left she put the untouched bowl on the table and crawled under the blankets of the bed, trying to not feel sick from all the boiling heat of the house. She forgot to turn off the light but she didn't care, falling asleep so soundly that she didn't overhear Rachel and her parents arguing a few hours later.
****
After Quinn found herself forced to live in the Berry household she managed to escalate her isolation. It wasn’t too difficult. Rachel’s fathers, although not pleased about the girl’s intrusion into their lives, were particularly angry with her for harming their daughter. No one tried to speak to her and she didn't try to speak to them.
Within the first day they had acquired a bed and cleaned out the guestroom for her. She knew it wasn’t out of the kindness of their hearts because she overheard Rachel plainly informing them that “in Quinn’s current condition she needs a comforting private environment so I’ll sleep on the couch until we can get her a room.” Quinn felt sick to her stomach as one of Rachel’s father’s - whom she later came to know as Leroy - snapped at Rachel in frustration. Clearly he didn't want Quinn there.
But what Rachel wanted, Rachel got. And she wanted Quinn Fabray living in her house. After ensnaring the girl in question, her parents were a piece of cake.
Quinn got her own room. She avoided every other room in the house as much as possible, barely speaking to anyone and generally finding reasons to leave. When the Berry’s ate, she hid in her room, only coming out when she thought no one would find her and grabbing a small snack. She was eating a bit more since her depression but she was still uncomfortable.
Her status at school changed after the Berry debacle. People seemed.... intimidated by her once more. No one threw slushies, Quinn was untouchable, only this time it wasn’t popularity: it was the ice she surrounded herself with. In the past it had merely encircled her heart to protect her from her superficial relationships, her front an equally superficial veil of friendliness. Now that ice was at the forefront, a massive and impenetrable fortress.
Mercedes had approached her once, all full of fire and outrage, ready to tear Quinn to pieces because - although Rachel denied it - everyone knew she was the one who had hit Rachel. She had prepared a powerful diva moment but it faltered and died in a heaping mess from one look from those eyes that held restrained rage that cut into the singer so sharply she flinched. Instead of yelling at Quinn she awkwardly stumbled and walked away.
No one could or would touch Quinn. Except Rachel. Her very presence snuffed out the anger, leaving a very vulnerable and nervous young girl. So she avoided Rachel like the plague, and the brunette generally gave her space.
Back at the house, Leroy was losing patience with Quinn’s cold shoulder. Rachel kept trying to subtly invite her into the family but Quinn ignored her efforts. She would not eat with them, would not play games on ‘game night’ and certainly wouldn’t watch movies on ‘movie night’ or do any other activities designated to any other nights. She was like a ghost in their home, rarely seen but always felt.
Sometimes before bed, she would call her old home just to listen to her mom answer the phone. And sometimes, her mother would stay on the phone, silently, and she would just lie there connected to her mom for that night. But nothing was ever said.
One day Leroy knocked on her door.
“Oh. Yes?” She kept her eyes averted, not sure how to behave. There was a moment of silence.
“Here. Five hundred dollars. Go and buy yourself some clothes.” His voice was soft but the tension between them remained the same.
Quinn could taste bile in her throat.
“No thank you. I don’t need it.”
“Yes you do. I expect you to use this money for clothes.” His tone grew stern and Quinn flinched as he smacked the money on the dresser.
And so Quinn went out and bought clothes. She also applied for jobs and eventually landed herself a telemarketing job that paid more than minimum wage. When she got her first pay check she got back to the Berry household and stealthily waited for a moment alone with Leroy. She managed to catch him in the kitchen preparing sandwiches for the night’s board game marathon.
“I got a job.” She watched him jump up in surprise and she winced at her timing. The man could have cut himself. He glanced at her then turned back to his work. “I made one fifty this week.” She placed the check on the counter so he could look at it.
“I can’t pay much but I’ll pay back the five hundred... then.... then we can make a rent plan for me.” Her heart was thudding rapidly as he slowed his movements to a full stop.
“Ok,” he turned to her, only his gaze was softer on her since the first time she had moved in. “Keep your paycheck. I don’t care about it.” He wiped his hands on a towel. “But from now on, you eat with us. And you go to game nights. Movie nights. All of them. You’re going to be nice to my daughter. If you ever lift a hand against her, you’ll be rooming in a prison cell. Do we understand each other?”
And so began the game nights. At first everything was horribly awkward and tense. Meals and evenings were heavy with silence and everyone was uncomfortable. Then comments were made, Quinn joined in here and there, blushing hotly at the way Rachel always seemed to brighten up at her progress.
The game nights were the worst and the best. It was terrible because at first Quinn couldn't fathom competing with them. All of the Berrys were way out of her league and they had to slow down for her which was embarrassing. It was also fantastic because it allowed Quinn to speak without feeling like she was opening up. Yet she did just that, playfully teasing Rachel for being too competitive, pretending to be offended when Leroy told her she was just being a slow blonde, trying to keep Hiram from cheating off her. Double teaming worked better because then Quinn’s fumbles were carried by her team member. And since Rachel was usually the one to volunteer them as a pair, Quinn won by proxy.
The entire house relaxed and Quinn began to enjoy the warmth. It still stung that she had exposed herself to Rachel so much. She hadn’t even realised what she had been feeling until she had attacked the brunette. But it was true, she envied Rachel for the strength she had. There was no doubt in her mind that if the roles were reversed Rachel would have found a way to come out on top. Pregnant teenager? No problem. Cheating whore? Matter of perception. She would have still gone on to New York with her baby and could be proud of herself. Even if her friends and family kicked her out on her ass, she would have found a way to land on her feet.
She was ashamed of herself and still unable to deal with her weaknesses. Whenever she spent time with Rachel it was with Rachel’s fathers in the room. The idea of being alone in a room with the other girl made her feel queasy and she would often break out in a sweat at the thought. She was scared of her. Absolutely terrified. Yet at the same time, awkward feelings surfaced too.
Although the girl made her anxious, she also felt safer when Rachel was around. She wanted to touch the singer, be it a hug or just to brush up against her. And although Rachel seemed to stiffen when she did this, eventually Rachel allowed herself to touch Quinn back too. It was disconcerting to want to both avoid and connect with the brunette. She felt warmer whenever Rachel was present. And sometimes, to her horror, when she was feeling lonely and depressed in the guestroom, she had a powerful urge to sneak into Rachel’s room and.... cuddle of all things. At first the thought would make her shudder in disgust but one night she actually got up and stood outside Rachel’s door for a full five minutes before she regained her sanity and hotfooted it back to the guest room.
So she kept their contact limited to game nights and movie nights with Rachel’s fathers. She didn't think she would survive spending time alone with the girl. And she was in luck: the girl did not seek her out. Moments between the two of them were rare and almost completely silent. Everything was perfect and Quinn knew it wasn’t going to last.
*****
“What? What do you mean you’re going?” She hoped the panic in her voice was subtle, but judging by Leroy’s concerned expression she had come on too strong. The two of them had gotten quite close after the money incident. Quinn felt like she was six again, watching her parents leave for the first time on what was going to become annual trips without her.
“We’re only going to be gone for a weekend. There’s plenty of food in the fridge and you guys have the car. Rent movies or something. You’ll be fine.”
Quinn felt a little ill at the thought of spending almost three days alone with Rachel.
“We’ll leave a number on the fridge and the address where we’re staying. Hiram’s mom is turning sixty, we can’t miss this party; his brother would never forgive us” he added, drolly.
“Well... it’s Rachel’s grandmother, shouldn’t she go visit too?”
He seemed amused by her insistence that she not be left with Rachel alone.
“Rachel has exams she needs to study for. Relax a little. You’ve been living under the same roof for the past two months and you haven’t tried to kill one another yet. I think you can last a weekend.”
Quinn didn't think so. And later that night she felt a powerful urge to call her mother, though the urge lessened since the Berrys unofficially accepted her presence. So she picked up the phone to dial when she realised Rachel was already on it. Her first instinct was to turn it off when she picked up on Finn’s voice.
“I don’t get it Rachel; I thought things were going good between us....”
Quinn’s jaw dropped in shock. Finn and Rachel were dating? Under her very nose? How the hell did they manage to do that? But then she realised she didn't spend all that much time in the house. By trying to avoid Rachel she gave the girl ample opportunity to date her ex boyfriend. Goddamn it, she grit her teeth in fury, too caught up in the sickening twist in her stomach to think about hanging up.
The anger was mainly directed at Finn, though she wasn’t sure why because she should technically hate Rachel for stealing her man. Not that he had been her man for the past several months but something about this whole affair left a bitter taste in her mouth. The feelings she had for Rachel on the matter confused her. She could almost swear she felt hurt.
“Finn, you’re a very nice boy and for the longest time I thought we were an appropriate match, mainly because I had spent a lot of time becoming enamoured with a variety of similar cliché romantic pairings in the media. However, in retrospect and after a sufficient time together I have decided that while I enjoy your company we are not a suitable couple.”
Relief flooded her brain and Quinn relaxed against her bed frame.
“..... right.” He sounded confused.
“I’m sorry.”
“This is because of Quinn isn’t it?”
Her heart stopped beating at the long pause.
“Rachel.... I’m sure she’s fine. I can’t deal with her after what happened. I’m sure her cousin is taking care of her. She even looks healthier.”
Frowning to herself, she realised that Rachel had kept it all a secret. No one knew she was living at the Berry house. For once in her life Rachel was holding her tongue. To protect Quinn. Tears welled up in her eyes and she had to swallow hard to gather her bearings.
“Finn,” the venom was thick in her voice. “Quinn is not something to be dealt with. She is a human being! How do you go from loving her and wanting to take care of her baby; actually wanting to keep it with her - to just dismissing her completely out of your life?!”
She was shocked that Finn and Rachel had been talking about the pregnancy and even more stunned when she caught the heavy emotion in Rachel’s tone.
“She cheated on me! Tried to use me!”
“She made a mistake! And she was scared! In this sexist society it is always assumed that the female take all responsibility for a pregnancy-“
“I was willing to help her!”
“That doesn’t matter! You get to choose how much responsibility you want to take! Either a pittance of your salary to child support or you just leave the damn country! No one expected you or Puck to actually do the most difficult aspects of childcare. To raise it! She had that hanging over her head at the age of sixteen. You couldn't even talk to her? Ask her how-“
“Forget it Rachel! This is ridiculous. I’m not defending myself to you!”
She winced at the scrabbling noise as Finn struggled to turn off the phone in his frustration. Then the line went dead. She listened to Rachel sigh tiredly.
“It’s rude to eavesdrop.” The line went completely dead.
Quinn’s jaw moved soundlessly for a second before she turned the phone off and buried her face in a pillow.
Part Two here
Fandom: Glee
Pairing: Quinn/Rachel, minor Santana/Brittany, mention of Quinn/Santana/Brittany
Words: 13,794
Rating: NC-17
Spoilers: Up to sectionals
Copyright: Glee owns what they own.
Warning: Some Dom/Sub play, minor violence (not sexual), dark content/angsty
Summary: Quinn has hit bottom. Time to climb back up again with a little help.
A/N: Sequel to Go with the Flow I might continue with what would become Quinn/Santana/Rachel/Brittany (OT4 love! Hehehe) I hope you all like.
There used to be a time when Quinn felt certainty. The world and its functions made sense, a system of patterns and rules, the consequences and rewards. She had believed in this reality of processes and protocols, and thrived in it.
She had seen this structure in every facet of her life. In her home, in her school, among her peers and within her religion, everything functioned according to the same set of restrictions.
As she grew up she quickly learned that this system was built on lies. The foundation was an illusion and at the top of the hierarchy were those who knew how to keep up appearances the best. They were the leaders and managers, the popular and powerful. They were the ones who got to manipulate the illusion and put it to their use. These people were also the cruel, vicious bastards who could - in one fell swoop - destroy anyone and everything.
At the age of five, after witnessing a group of girls beat the emotional crap out of one awkward little boy, she decided she wanted to be one of those bastards. Never would she allow anyone to treat her like that and the only way to guarantee protection was to take absolute control of the system. She turned cold and callous.
At the height of her power, her parents were eating out of her hand, along with an entire high school and there was nothing she could not have. Father had laughed, told her she had a guardian angel blessing her every endeavour. And she felt it was true. There was even hope for her to leave Lima, to spread her influence and rise up the ranks. She had been looking forward to a challenge, a change of pace and to taste the new flavour of affluence.
Manipulation and control were two things she had been very good at. Everything was planned out, she would excel in school, gain notice for her cheerleading, grab a scholarship and go to university. In her own way, she loved Finn, but she was prepared to discard him if he couldn’t follow her. Part of being in control was knowing when to be flexible. To adapt to change. She had watched many people fall simply because they failed to keep up with the ever moving current of life. It was normal; it was a constant test of faith.
As she leaned over the railing of the bridge to gaze upon the moonlit river surrounded by snow covered trees, she again reflected on the events of her life that had led to her failure. What had tipped the halo off her head. Over and over again she wished she had never gone to Puck’s. She wished she hadn’t had anything to drink. She wished her uterus was a barren wasteland. Her mind went over the possibilities, obsessively dancing around the things that could have been.
Why couldn’t Puck have put on a condom? The sleazy shithead knew all about sex, had done it a hundred times, but no condom. Why couldn’t she have had a miscarriage like most normal women did? Why did she have to be fertile? Why didn't she have the courage or frame of mind to abort? Why did she have to care about the damn thing? Why didn't she just work out to stop feeling fat?
After years of self discipline she had a moment of epic stupidity and everything was taken from her.
Quinn pressed herself more firmly against the railing, resting her chin in her crossed arms. The weather was colder than usual and she was not dressed appropriately for it, but her health was the least of her concerns. After giving up the baby for adoption she didn't have anything to guilt-trip her into caring. If anything, she welcomed the cruel icy bite of the wind, a taste of the kind of person she had become.
Quinn wondered if there was a possible way to destroy the system. To completely uproot it. Only a couple of months ago the idea would have horrified her. It had been good to her. Everything had been going smoothly. Then she screwed up and screwed Puck.
She drummed her fingers on the railing, watching the current and the white puffs of air that left her nose. Always watching, she had always paid attention to the current, trying keep her head above the water. Trying not to drown. Now that she stood there, stripped of all her privilege and bare, she contemplated just letting herself sink.
It would be agony, brutal torture... but only for a brief moment. Then blissful silence, no more reminiscing and she could stop mourning over the death of her future. Her musings were just that, flights of fancy not meant to be taken seriously.
Yet.
She still had to decide what scared her more: living this life or hellfire. Lately she was coming to terms with the fact that she was basically guaranteed a place in hell regardless of what she did from that point on. She had fucked Puck, she didn't keep her baby, and she had no family and no friends. Now Santana had the run of the school, cock-strutting through the halls and barking orders at her. At Quinn-fucking-Fabray. And she was too absorbed in her self-loathing to care. Had allowed it happen because it was punishment for her sins. She had done.... something with Brittany and Santana that she never wanted to think about again.
Her gut clenched sickeningly and she had to shake her head to clear her mind of unbidden thoughts. It helped. She went back to reliving the past.
Puck. She had sex with Puck. All because she had felt fat. Now she had a few faint stretch lines on the small paunch of fat she hadn’t even tried to get rid of even though she had almost a year to get rid of it. It was almost ironic. With her taut cheerleader’s body she had felt disgusting. How did she solve the issue? Why, she got pregnant of course! What the hell had she been thinking? What on earth made her feel so fugly she went, of all places, to Puck’s for fun?
Man hands.
A bark of laughter escaped her throat, so pained and vile it disturbed her.
It was true. Rachel Berry, a constant source of aggravation in her life, had made her feel fat. It had taken her months of digging deep within her brain, agonizing over the little details that had led to her punishment, until she had found it.
She had been trying, for the millionth time, to put Berry in her place. And that nauseating brunette just bounced right back up. Again. It was always the same dance. No matter what Quinn did the brunette just seemed to grow a little stronger each time. It was unfathomable, how one small peppy girl could take so much abuse and just grow. She disobeyed all the rules. Berry was social leprosy, everyone attacked her from all sides and the woman smiled brighter for it.
Quinn had tried to call the agitating Chihuahua fat. Couldn't even remember what she had said and couldn't remember what Berry’s response had been. Someone had slushied the diva and that should have been it. But it hadn’t been. She felt like crap. Then she went to Puck.
Though she didn't blame Berry for it, not really, after all the girl never actually thought before she spoke. She did most of her damage to Quinn without even knowing it. Though Quinn got a taste of just how deeply the girl could stab someone in the back when she ratted the pregnant girl out. At first she had been relieved to have the secret out. No more burden... but then what was left of her shamble of a life imploded.
“Quinn.”
Quinn’s mind felt a little fuzzy. It occurred to her she had been standing out in the cold night for perhaps longer than she should have.
“Quinn?”
She frowned at the river, almost accusingly, because for a second there she could have sworn that Smurf had called her name. It had to be all the introspection, she had lost her mind. Had she jumped into the river without realising it?
A hand landed on her shoulder and she almost jumped out of her skin in an effort to jerk away from her assailant. Her whole body flushed with heat. To her astonishment the brunette was standing right there wearing a god-awful puffy neon pink winter jacket and Santa hat. Dark eyes watched with concern.
“What the hell are you doing here?” Quinn asked in a daze, her mind trying to wrap around the fact that this girl had just happened to show up when she was thinking about her. Like some telepathic demon come to terrorize Quinn on call.
“You know Quinn I could ask the same of you. At least I am wearing temperature appropriate attire so that my presence here is less out of place than yours. With the northern cold front we are experiencing harsher winter conditions and you are greatly risking the possibility of disrupting the homeostasis of your core temperature by standing here in that thin jean jacket. You could catch hypothermia.”
Quinn relaxed as Rachel went on as she typically did, at length, about things she didn't care to hear about.
“Go away Berry.”
“Where do you live.”
It wasn’t so much a question and it made Quinn pause. Under the street light she could make out Rachel’s face. There was a determined look about her and it automatically made Quinn wary.
“I told you, at my cousin’s.” Actually she hadn’t told Rachel directly, but word got around fast.
“You aren’t living at your cousin’s.”
Quinn felt her stomach sink. She couldn't believe it. Rachel couldn't have... but then... this was Rachel.
“What are you talking about? I’m living at my cousin’s. Did you finally pop a vessel in your brain after all that singing?” She tried to pretend she was exasperated and not panicking.
“You’re thinner than you used to be.”
“Giving birth will do that to some women.” But she knew Rachel wouldn’t drop it and all she had done by responding was make it imperative for the other girl to go on a list of all the symptoms she had observed.
“Your skin colour is off, you wear the same clothes to school over and over and you don’t even wear the same number of clothes you used to. I counted five shirts, two jeans and only one pair of shoes. You don’t have lunch anymore. Brittany and Santana tell me you haven’t had a single sleepover at their house or yours. In fact, no one has ever visited you at your cousin’s house. And... you kind of smell bad.”
Quinn clenched her jaw and tried to keep from screaming at the other girl.
“Fuck off Berry.”
Chocolate eyes widened in surprise at her language. Quinn stopped breathing as she watched Rachel do what Rachel did best. Take the blow, absorb it, and grow stronger. The strength in the diva’s eyes made her tremble a little. Her defences had been weakened severely and Quinn panicked internally, fully aware that she was nowhere near prepared for Rachel Berry’s attention. When that girl focused on something that was it, there were few people on the planet who could shake her off.
“S-stop.” She stammered, inwardly flinching at how frail she sounded. Her heart was in her throat. Suddenly the smurfette looked ten feet tall in her mind. Rachel seemed to sense something was off because she showed Quinn mercy and kept quiet.
“I have to go. I have curfew. I’m going to be late.”
Quinn tried to walk past her but had Rachel grabbed her arm and was already leading her away.
“I can give you a ride! I brought my dad’s car. The heater should help you feel better before we get there.” Her tone was cheerful but Quinn knew the girl was more interested in finding out where she lived.
“I’m fine.” She yanked her arm but Rachel’s grip only tightened. “Let me go! I can make my way home by myself!”
“Quinn it would be safer and healthier for you to - “
“I don’t care! I don’t want to get in the car with you! If you don’t let me go I’m fucking calling rape!”
“Quinn.” Rachel’s intense gaze connected with her tired hazel. “I'm going to be honest with you. If you don’t get in the car with me, I am going to follow you. I brought my best boots and got well dressed in preparation for the possibility that I could end up in this situation. I am adequately prepared to spend the night out with you. So please get into the car. It would be more convenient for the both of us if you complied.”
Frustration burned in her blood and she felt angered tears well up in her eyes at the realization that Rachel was completely serious.
“I’ll call the cops on you.”
“Alright.” Rachel nodded calmly, reaching into her pocket for a fluffy black hat to put over her head. It too was oversized and looked warm. “You know the number.”
They stood there, facing off, with Rachel calling her bluff.
Shit.
“Fine. Where the hell is your car?” She had already started walking, her steps sharp against the pavement.
“We have to cross the street.” Rachel was already beside her, a little bundle of energy, excited to ruin Quinn all over again. She felt a headache coming on.
When they got to the car Quinn already made up a plan. She gave Rachel an address while the girl started up the heater and moved the car out of park. They said nothing to one another as they traveled, Quinn resolutely staring out the window and ignoring the other girl.
After about fifteen minutes they came to a stop at a small house. Quinn turned to Rachel.
“Satisfied?” She smirked, opening the car door. What she hadn’t anticipated was Rachel getting out of the car with her. “What are you doing?”
The look on Rachel’s face made her feel sick. There was empathy, kindness and sadness.
“Just making sure you get home safely.”
They stood by the car, Quinn staring at the house blankly. It was a full five minutes before anyone said anything.
“What do you want Berry?” Her voice was soft and tired.
“Where do you live Quinn?”
“Does it make you feel good to do this to me?”
“Just tell me where you live, Quinn.”
She couldn't decide what she wanted to do more. To scream at the brunette or burst into frustrated tears.
“I live in a women’s shelter, Rachel.” She snarled, trying to mock the singer.
There was a slight pause before Rachel opened up the passenger’s side of the car.
“Alright then. Get into the car.”
Quinn raised a surprised eyebrow but Rachel was already making her way to the driver’s seat. She hesitantly gave Rachel directions, though still in the opposite direction of the shelter she was living in. The last thing she wanted was the girl visiting her there. She would just take a bus back.
Rachel put the car in drive and Quinn lay back in her seat, grateful that the singer was quiet. Probably busy pitying her or feeling guilty for making Quinn expose herself, she mused.
Too late she had realised they weren’t going to the address she had told Rachel to stop at. The car pulled into the driveway of a house.
Before Quinn could ask what was going on the brunette had turned the car off and was walking to the front door.
“Rachel?” she called, sticking her head out the door and finally stepping out when Rachel ignored her and entered the house, leaving the door open.
Quinn stood there for a moment, feeling stupid. She had no idea what was going on but knew Rachel wanted her to get into the house. Frowning, she entered the building, closing the door behind her, and let the heat seep into her bones. It felt comforting.
She followed the noise to a brightly coloured room where Rachel was busy rummaging through her drawers.
“The bathroom is to my right, you should probably shower... not to offend you but I’d prefer it if you didn't take the various odours you’ve accumulated at the shelter to my bed” She drew out a pair of shorts and shirt. “I’d offer bottoms but I’m shorter than you so it would probably make you uncomfortable and I think you’ll already have trouble adjusting. We have a guest room dad turned into an office but I think I can convince them to change it back after I’ve told them your story.”
Quinn gaped at Rachel uncomprehendingly. At first it had made no sense at all, then she briefly got the full picture and her mind melted.
“What?”
“Oh. You’ll be staying here. I mean, I did act as the catalyst to your current situation and I feel it only ethical and reasonable that I aid you in your recovery.”
“Fuck you.”
Rachel canted her head, dark eyes still blazing with confidence.
“They’ll be back around midnight so I should have time to stop by the shelter and grab your things for you. Then I think we might want to talk to my parents about getting you some new clothes-” Her words were cut off by Quinn abruptly turning and leaving the room.
The glacial weather quickly engulfed her like an old friend and Quinn found herself breathing easier the second she stepped out of that oven of a house. It was windier than when she had been at the bridge, much stronger. But she could still hear the footsteps behind her as she tried to make her way to the bus stop on the main street.
“Quinn.”
She kept her head down, her crippled pride refusing to let her stop. Not Rachel Berry. Anyone but Rachel Berry.
“Quinn!”
But it was always Rachel Berry. The girl would never go away. She would never ever go away. Quinn found it difficult to breathe, her heart racing in her throat and she didn't understand why.
“Leave me alone.” She half whispered, sure that the wind took her voice away.
“Quinn it isn’t safe for you.”
“Leave me alone!” The panic turned to anger. This was an emotion she understood, a feeling she harvested and nourished. It was one small thread of power left to her.
“Quinn! Turn around now and get back in the house!” Rachel’s voice snapped through the air and whipped Quinn from within. She stopped and turned sharply, making the brunette nearly slam into her as she tried to keep up with Quinn’s longer stride.
“Watch your mouth you midget bitch!” She slammed her hands against Rachel’s shoulders and jerked the girl backwards, but Rachel caught her balance back quickly. All that damn dance training.
“You have to come back.” Her words were calm, but Rachel’s eyes were on fire. There was fanatic conviction in those eyes which were dark as onyx in the night.
“Don't piss me off Berry. I know where you live now.” She sneered, trying not to waver in the heat of Rachel’s doggedness.
“You have to....” the brunette paused, steeling herself even more. “If you don’t come back right this instant Quinn, I will inform the school and they will inform social services -“
The fierce wind swallowed the dull thud of Quinn’s fist slamming into Rachel’s face. The brunette gaped in horror as she stumbled back, clutching her left eye as the former head cheerleader leapt for her.
Before Rachel could so much as make a run for it Quinn had pinned her to the ground, punching her wherever Rachel left herself unprotected.
“FUCK YOU, YOU FUCKING BITCH! You worthless little freak! FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU!”
The words came out as a mantra. All the rage and resentment she had kept swallowed since the baby was born unleashed. She wasn’t even attacking Rachel. In her mind she was trying to tear her parents to pieces for abandoning her. For showing her the true value of family. She was trying to beat the shit out of Puck for taking advantage. To destroy Finn for quickly dismissing her because of her mistakes. To wipe that smug little smirk of Santana’s face. And to beat herself up properly, to punish herself for her weaknesses and for tossing her life away.
She wished she could break Rachel’s nose since that was the one thing Rachel didn't want broken.
But she wasn’t fit. Her body was hollowed out from depression, stress and neglect. All her effort had been put into that first punch and Rachel seemed to quickly realise this, deftly avoiding every blow until she flipped Quinn over onto the snow face down.
“Quinn-“ she grunted as an elbow landed in her stomach.
“Let me go! Fuck you Rachel! I fucking hate you! I hate you so goddamn much! You-you fucked me up! You fucked me! You and everyone else! I hate you all!” She was furious and sick of everything. Her mind reeled with everything that she had been through, all she had lost.
“Fuck you! And fuck Puck! Fuck Finn!”
“It was a mistake!” Rachel tried to calm Quinn. “No one meant to leave you Quinn; you just pulled away from everyone at the wrong time!” She struggled to pin the blond girl’s left arm behind her back and try to grab the other one that was flailing in an attempt to flip Rachel over.
“Mistake?! Fuck the mistakes! I make one mistake one stupid fucking mistake and this is my punishment?!” Hot salty tears burned her eyes, the cold air shredding her throat as she took deep erratic gulps. “I did everything Berry! Oh God, I did everything.” She sobbed. “I did eh-everything I was s-s-supposed to! Went to church, prayed.... wouldn’t even l-l-let Finn touch me! One fucking mistake! I was head cheerleader, I w-was head of the celibacy club! I-I-I d-d-“ it was getting harder to speak, she was choking, finally drowning in her despair and fury.
“Oh Quinn....” Rachel murmured softly, shifting her weight so she wasn’t leaning entirely on the girl, but tried to hold her as best she could, spooning Quinn from behind.
“This is my punishment.” A flare of anger surged once more and she reached within, digging as deeply as she could for her most raw hatred and shouted to the heavens from her place on the frozen earth.
“MY PUNISHMENT! Fuck you God! People are out there doing whatever the fuck they want-“ Her stomach clenched at the thought of Santana, fucking people left and right, not giving a damn about religion, standing at the top of the ladder and reaping the rewards of having simply associated with Quinn all those years.
“I’m going to take you home-” Rachel’s words faltered as Quinn let out a maddened shriek, suddenly convulsing in her attempt to throw the brunette off her.
“I would rather die here than go to you for anything! I am tired, so fucking tired of needing help! I don’t need help anymore. I don’t need it from anyone, especially you - you fucking troll! What is wrong with you?” The panic was coming back. “Why are you so demented? I beat and beat at you and you keep coming back! I can’t stop you! Nothing - can - stop - you!”
“You need to breathe! You’re hyperventilating.”
“Oh-my-god” she still couldn't breathe, even when Rachel got off her and pulled her into a sitting position. It wasn’t until Rachel positioned her head between her knees and put a hand to her back that she started getting some of her breath back though she couldn't stop these rapid shallow gasps.
“Why- why are you do-doing this. You-you’re fucking - in - indestruct -“
“Shhh” The hand rubbed circles on Quinn’s back and only made her more disoriented.
“You - you can do anything. You’re just- just fucking perfect -” Rachel’s hand froze while Quinn’s eyes glazed over from the lack of air and pumped adrenaline. “Like - I don’t understand - I could never - and I tried - but you’re just everything - everything - everything I can’t be - and I give up - you win. I hate - hate you so much. I hate you - oh God - I hate you so much.”
“We.... we need to get back into the house. You’re freezing.” Rachel wrapped her arms around Quinn, surprised when the blond pressed her face to Rachel’s collarbone.
“Ohhhhh God no....” Her voice came out in a desperate cry. “Please Rachel nooooo....” she sobbed. “I j-just wanna go home. Please don’t make me go Rachel. Please. Please, Rachel, please...”
Her mind was a whirl of self hatred and pity so she didn't notice Rachel struggle for a moment before her resolve came back to her. Without a word, Quinn felt herself be picked up from the snow, her legs weak and wobbly. She no longer had any control. Quinn had broken down, renounced her faith and let her raw open wounds out into the open for Berry’s intense gaze. Never had she felt more exposed and bare than that moment and she felt dead. All her willpower was gone and Rachel could do with her what she liked. Unsurprisingly, in a few short minutes she felt warmth seep into her flesh and it hurt. It hurt to feel heat after so much cold.
She could dazedly understand what was going on. Quinn took a slow shower in Rachel’s bathroom, unable to recall how she’d gotten there and where Rachel had gone off to. A lot of time passed by and she came out of the washroom dressed in Rachel’s shirt and shorts to see that what few possessions she had at the shelter were laid out on Rachel’s bed. She stared at it until Rachel came in a couple of seconds later.
Rachel had a black eye and a bruised lip with a healing cut. They said nothing to one another as Rachel handed her a bowl full of soup.
“It’s a bit cooler than it should be but you took a while in the shower. Tonight you will sleep here and I’ll sleep on the couch.”
Quinn nodded numbly and when Rachel left she put the untouched bowl on the table and crawled under the blankets of the bed, trying to not feel sick from all the boiling heat of the house. She forgot to turn off the light but she didn't care, falling asleep so soundly that she didn't overhear Rachel and her parents arguing a few hours later.
****
After Quinn found herself forced to live in the Berry household she managed to escalate her isolation. It wasn’t too difficult. Rachel’s fathers, although not pleased about the girl’s intrusion into their lives, were particularly angry with her for harming their daughter. No one tried to speak to her and she didn't try to speak to them.
Within the first day they had acquired a bed and cleaned out the guestroom for her. She knew it wasn’t out of the kindness of their hearts because she overheard Rachel plainly informing them that “in Quinn’s current condition she needs a comforting private environment so I’ll sleep on the couch until we can get her a room.” Quinn felt sick to her stomach as one of Rachel’s father’s - whom she later came to know as Leroy - snapped at Rachel in frustration. Clearly he didn't want Quinn there.
But what Rachel wanted, Rachel got. And she wanted Quinn Fabray living in her house. After ensnaring the girl in question, her parents were a piece of cake.
Quinn got her own room. She avoided every other room in the house as much as possible, barely speaking to anyone and generally finding reasons to leave. When the Berry’s ate, she hid in her room, only coming out when she thought no one would find her and grabbing a small snack. She was eating a bit more since her depression but she was still uncomfortable.
Her status at school changed after the Berry debacle. People seemed.... intimidated by her once more. No one threw slushies, Quinn was untouchable, only this time it wasn’t popularity: it was the ice she surrounded herself with. In the past it had merely encircled her heart to protect her from her superficial relationships, her front an equally superficial veil of friendliness. Now that ice was at the forefront, a massive and impenetrable fortress.
Mercedes had approached her once, all full of fire and outrage, ready to tear Quinn to pieces because - although Rachel denied it - everyone knew she was the one who had hit Rachel. She had prepared a powerful diva moment but it faltered and died in a heaping mess from one look from those eyes that held restrained rage that cut into the singer so sharply she flinched. Instead of yelling at Quinn she awkwardly stumbled and walked away.
No one could or would touch Quinn. Except Rachel. Her very presence snuffed out the anger, leaving a very vulnerable and nervous young girl. So she avoided Rachel like the plague, and the brunette generally gave her space.
Back at the house, Leroy was losing patience with Quinn’s cold shoulder. Rachel kept trying to subtly invite her into the family but Quinn ignored her efforts. She would not eat with them, would not play games on ‘game night’ and certainly wouldn’t watch movies on ‘movie night’ or do any other activities designated to any other nights. She was like a ghost in their home, rarely seen but always felt.
Sometimes before bed, she would call her old home just to listen to her mom answer the phone. And sometimes, her mother would stay on the phone, silently, and she would just lie there connected to her mom for that night. But nothing was ever said.
One day Leroy knocked on her door.
“Oh. Yes?” She kept her eyes averted, not sure how to behave. There was a moment of silence.
“Here. Five hundred dollars. Go and buy yourself some clothes.” His voice was soft but the tension between them remained the same.
Quinn could taste bile in her throat.
“No thank you. I don’t need it.”
“Yes you do. I expect you to use this money for clothes.” His tone grew stern and Quinn flinched as he smacked the money on the dresser.
And so Quinn went out and bought clothes. She also applied for jobs and eventually landed herself a telemarketing job that paid more than minimum wage. When she got her first pay check she got back to the Berry household and stealthily waited for a moment alone with Leroy. She managed to catch him in the kitchen preparing sandwiches for the night’s board game marathon.
“I got a job.” She watched him jump up in surprise and she winced at her timing. The man could have cut himself. He glanced at her then turned back to his work. “I made one fifty this week.” She placed the check on the counter so he could look at it.
“I can’t pay much but I’ll pay back the five hundred... then.... then we can make a rent plan for me.” Her heart was thudding rapidly as he slowed his movements to a full stop.
“Ok,” he turned to her, only his gaze was softer on her since the first time she had moved in. “Keep your paycheck. I don’t care about it.” He wiped his hands on a towel. “But from now on, you eat with us. And you go to game nights. Movie nights. All of them. You’re going to be nice to my daughter. If you ever lift a hand against her, you’ll be rooming in a prison cell. Do we understand each other?”
And so began the game nights. At first everything was horribly awkward and tense. Meals and evenings were heavy with silence and everyone was uncomfortable. Then comments were made, Quinn joined in here and there, blushing hotly at the way Rachel always seemed to brighten up at her progress.
The game nights were the worst and the best. It was terrible because at first Quinn couldn't fathom competing with them. All of the Berrys were way out of her league and they had to slow down for her which was embarrassing. It was also fantastic because it allowed Quinn to speak without feeling like she was opening up. Yet she did just that, playfully teasing Rachel for being too competitive, pretending to be offended when Leroy told her she was just being a slow blonde, trying to keep Hiram from cheating off her. Double teaming worked better because then Quinn’s fumbles were carried by her team member. And since Rachel was usually the one to volunteer them as a pair, Quinn won by proxy.
The entire house relaxed and Quinn began to enjoy the warmth. It still stung that she had exposed herself to Rachel so much. She hadn’t even realised what she had been feeling until she had attacked the brunette. But it was true, she envied Rachel for the strength she had. There was no doubt in her mind that if the roles were reversed Rachel would have found a way to come out on top. Pregnant teenager? No problem. Cheating whore? Matter of perception. She would have still gone on to New York with her baby and could be proud of herself. Even if her friends and family kicked her out on her ass, she would have found a way to land on her feet.
She was ashamed of herself and still unable to deal with her weaknesses. Whenever she spent time with Rachel it was with Rachel’s fathers in the room. The idea of being alone in a room with the other girl made her feel queasy and she would often break out in a sweat at the thought. She was scared of her. Absolutely terrified. Yet at the same time, awkward feelings surfaced too.
Although the girl made her anxious, she also felt safer when Rachel was around. She wanted to touch the singer, be it a hug or just to brush up against her. And although Rachel seemed to stiffen when she did this, eventually Rachel allowed herself to touch Quinn back too. It was disconcerting to want to both avoid and connect with the brunette. She felt warmer whenever Rachel was present. And sometimes, to her horror, when she was feeling lonely and depressed in the guestroom, she had a powerful urge to sneak into Rachel’s room and.... cuddle of all things. At first the thought would make her shudder in disgust but one night she actually got up and stood outside Rachel’s door for a full five minutes before she regained her sanity and hotfooted it back to the guest room.
So she kept their contact limited to game nights and movie nights with Rachel’s fathers. She didn't think she would survive spending time alone with the girl. And she was in luck: the girl did not seek her out. Moments between the two of them were rare and almost completely silent. Everything was perfect and Quinn knew it wasn’t going to last.
*****
“What? What do you mean you’re going?” She hoped the panic in her voice was subtle, but judging by Leroy’s concerned expression she had come on too strong. The two of them had gotten quite close after the money incident. Quinn felt like she was six again, watching her parents leave for the first time on what was going to become annual trips without her.
“We’re only going to be gone for a weekend. There’s plenty of food in the fridge and you guys have the car. Rent movies or something. You’ll be fine.”
Quinn felt a little ill at the thought of spending almost three days alone with Rachel.
“We’ll leave a number on the fridge and the address where we’re staying. Hiram’s mom is turning sixty, we can’t miss this party; his brother would never forgive us” he added, drolly.
“Well... it’s Rachel’s grandmother, shouldn’t she go visit too?”
He seemed amused by her insistence that she not be left with Rachel alone.
“Rachel has exams she needs to study for. Relax a little. You’ve been living under the same roof for the past two months and you haven’t tried to kill one another yet. I think you can last a weekend.”
Quinn didn't think so. And later that night she felt a powerful urge to call her mother, though the urge lessened since the Berrys unofficially accepted her presence. So she picked up the phone to dial when she realised Rachel was already on it. Her first instinct was to turn it off when she picked up on Finn’s voice.
“I don’t get it Rachel; I thought things were going good between us....”
Quinn’s jaw dropped in shock. Finn and Rachel were dating? Under her very nose? How the hell did they manage to do that? But then she realised she didn't spend all that much time in the house. By trying to avoid Rachel she gave the girl ample opportunity to date her ex boyfriend. Goddamn it, she grit her teeth in fury, too caught up in the sickening twist in her stomach to think about hanging up.
The anger was mainly directed at Finn, though she wasn’t sure why because she should technically hate Rachel for stealing her man. Not that he had been her man for the past several months but something about this whole affair left a bitter taste in her mouth. The feelings she had for Rachel on the matter confused her. She could almost swear she felt hurt.
“Finn, you’re a very nice boy and for the longest time I thought we were an appropriate match, mainly because I had spent a lot of time becoming enamoured with a variety of similar cliché romantic pairings in the media. However, in retrospect and after a sufficient time together I have decided that while I enjoy your company we are not a suitable couple.”
Relief flooded her brain and Quinn relaxed against her bed frame.
“..... right.” He sounded confused.
“I’m sorry.”
“This is because of Quinn isn’t it?”
Her heart stopped beating at the long pause.
“Rachel.... I’m sure she’s fine. I can’t deal with her after what happened. I’m sure her cousin is taking care of her. She even looks healthier.”
Frowning to herself, she realised that Rachel had kept it all a secret. No one knew she was living at the Berry house. For once in her life Rachel was holding her tongue. To protect Quinn. Tears welled up in her eyes and she had to swallow hard to gather her bearings.
“Finn,” the venom was thick in her voice. “Quinn is not something to be dealt with. She is a human being! How do you go from loving her and wanting to take care of her baby; actually wanting to keep it with her - to just dismissing her completely out of your life?!”
She was shocked that Finn and Rachel had been talking about the pregnancy and even more stunned when she caught the heavy emotion in Rachel’s tone.
“She cheated on me! Tried to use me!”
“She made a mistake! And she was scared! In this sexist society it is always assumed that the female take all responsibility for a pregnancy-“
“I was willing to help her!”
“That doesn’t matter! You get to choose how much responsibility you want to take! Either a pittance of your salary to child support or you just leave the damn country! No one expected you or Puck to actually do the most difficult aspects of childcare. To raise it! She had that hanging over her head at the age of sixteen. You couldn't even talk to her? Ask her how-“
“Forget it Rachel! This is ridiculous. I’m not defending myself to you!”
She winced at the scrabbling noise as Finn struggled to turn off the phone in his frustration. Then the line went dead. She listened to Rachel sigh tiredly.
“It’s rude to eavesdrop.” The line went completely dead.
Quinn’s jaw moved soundlessly for a second before she turned the phone off and buried her face in a pillow.
Part Two here