Old Wounds
Title: Old Wounds
Summary: A little two part fic exploring Pete and Peggy's relationship since their confessions to each other in the S2 finale. The first part is from Peggy's POV and is set in the aftermath of the infamous lawnmower accident in 'Guy walks into an Ad Agency'. The second part is from Pete's POV and takes place during an office party sometime after 'Wee Small Hours'.
Characters: Pete and Peggy.
Spoilers: Up to 3x9.
Disclaimer: Mad Men belongs to Matt Weiner.
Author's Note: I felt like writing a little something for me and the other starving Pete/Peggy fans, especially my good friend lenina20 . I'm not giving up the faith just yet, but I hope these scenes offer some compensation for the sad lack of our favourite ship so far in S3.
Old Wounds
Peggy turned away from the blood, walking briskly between the lines of desks.
She was the only one who had fainted and that was humiliating enough. She wasn’t supposed to faint or cry, like some helpless little girl. She had promised herself she would never be weak again. Yet her legs were still trembling beneath her and her head was so dizzy it felt like it might float off her shoulders.
She just wasn’t prepared for all that blood...she wasn’t prepared for the sudden memory of...
....all that blood between her legs...the red stain on the hospital bed after they had taken her child away. There was no Pete there to catch her that day. There had only been her mother sitting by her side, squeezing her hand, her tearful voice asking; “Was you raped, peaches?” For days Peggy had just shaken her head and turned away, refusing all their questions. They had given her pills to make her feel more like talking but she could never bring herself to say Pete’s name. Even after they had worn down all her denials and defenses she had only ever given them two words; “He’s married.”
Peggy pushed these memories to the back of her mind like she had learned to do. She turned into the staff kitchen, heading for the sink. Pete had beaten her to it. He stood hunched over the basin, splashing his face with water from the tap.
“Oh, you’re here...” Peggy blurted in surprise.
Pete flinched and spun around. The tap was still running. The water was dripping from his chin and his eyes were cartoonishly wide. Peggy knew she shouldn’t have spoken, but now Pete was looking at her and they were alone.
“Were you being sick?” she asked, tentatively.
“No,” Pete snapped, wiping his face and straightening his back, trying to strike a manly pose that would never look convincing on him. “Are you okay now?”
Peggy straightened too and prayed that she wasn’t blushing. “I’m fine,” she insisted. She knew she should probably thank him for not letting her fall, but she couldn’t bring herself to say the words. “I’m fine...I just need a...”
She pointed towards the cupboard. Yes, a glass of water. That seemed reasonable and dignified enough. But Peggy found by the time she had reached the counter, her hands were shaking so much she didn’t trust herself to be holding glass. Instead she just gripped the sideboard, trying to steady herself. Pete turned off the cold tap and stood nervously loosening his tie. Out in the foyer they could still hear Guy screaming through his teeth while Joan and Ken yelled out frantic instructions. The blood would still be pooling on the carpet...
Peggy could still remember her own doctor telling her; “You’re going to be a mother”. How presumptuous of him.
She shook herself. She needed to say something. She needed to distract herself from these memories and the fact that she and Pete were both just cowering in this room, letting other people deal with the accident.
“I...I can’t believe this...” Peggy stammered. “This is so bad. It’s going to be bad for us, right? I mean...this is the sort of thing that could bring down the agency, isn’t it?”
Pete still looked dazed and queasy. He blinked at her in confusion.
“Time to grab a lifeboat?” Peggy shrugged, clarifying her fears.
Pete’s face turned sour, his eyes narrowing and his lips forming a tight little knot.
“Is that all you can think about?” he hissed, reproachfully.
Peggy swallowed. “You were thinking it too,” she accused, because she was damned if she was going to let Pete Campbell make her feel like a bad person.
Pete rolled his eyes and then wandered over to the doorway, taking a glimpse at the chaos that was still ensuing outside and then retreating to the sink once more.
“She drove that thing right into my office, you know...” he muttered.
Peggy breathed a sigh of relief to hear Pete say something so reassuringly selfish. They stood together in silence for a moment, taking comfort in how incapable they were both being in this situation. Peggy saw two secretaries rushing by the door, heading for the ladies room; to cry or throw up, she imagined. But still, nobody else had fainted...
Pete took a breath. “Are you okay then?”
She winced. “I think you already asked me that...”
Pete looked at her steadily and it only then that Peggy realised his question went beyond the current crisis. It stretched back to that quiet night in October when there had been no blood and no screaming, but that hadn’t made it any less painful. Peggy still thought about what they had said to each other that night; how she had hurt him and let him know how much he had hurt her. They hadn’t asked each other since if they were okay. They both knew they were carrying the same old wounds, but they didn’t reach out to touch and ask if it was still hurting. It was just another question Peggy wanted to turn away from.
“I’m fine, Pete,” she said firmly, nodding to herself. “It’ll be fine.”
Pete stared at her with eyes that didn’t believe her. He was better at being honest than she was. Peggy winced again. She didn’t hate him and she didn’t want him to hate her, but it was too much to ask if she was okay. Some things were never going to be okay anymore. But Peggy had learned to lie to herself. She had learned to be strong.
“I’m going to my office,” she asserted.
No matter what, Peggy had her own office with her name on the door. She had walls to hide behind which other girls lacked. Not even Pete could hide in his office now that its windows had been smashed and brought down.
Peggy went there now. She lay on her couch, she took deep breaths and she told herself not to faint.
The blood was only a memory after all.
~*~
Pete sat on his couch, watching her shadow fall against his door. He knew Peggy by her shadow and more besides. He knew that she was lingering close to his office, backing away from the party in the foyer. Sterling Cooper was celebrating its 40th year, but despite all the time Peggy had worked here and however far she had risen through the ranks, she still didn’t fit in with the rest of them. She was still a stranger at their parties.
Pete knew this about her. He had loved her for it.
“You can come in here if you want to...” he called through the open door.
Pete had tried to make his voice sound irritated, yet it still felt more like he was pleading. Peggy stepped inside and the shadows of his office fell around her, flattering her. Pete still thought she was perfect, only these days...he resented it.
“What’s that?” asked Peggy, like she hadn’t heard him.
“I said come in,” he repeated.
“Oh...” She raised her glass of whiskey to her lips and swallowed the last of it down. “You’re not drinking?” she asked him, nodding to his empty hands.
Pete hadn’t had a drink in weeks. He was hoping nobody would notice.
“I don’t feel like it,” he shrugged.
“I know what you mean,” said Peggy, taking a step closer to the couch, but still not sitting. “I know this is a big anniversary, but it doesn’t feel right. Sal’s not here, Joan’s not here, all those firings...it just doesn’t seem like the same company anymore. So many people aren’t here that should be here...”
Pete nodded in agreement. He thought of the day he had seen Joan in Bonwit Teller and it had felt strangely like he was seeing a ghost. He opened his mouth to tell Peggy about their meeting, but thought better of it. This wasn’t what he wanted to talk about. But then Peggy never let him talk about what he wanted to talk about.
“I won’t be here much longer either, I expect” he muttered.
She frowned at him. “What do you mean?”
“What do you think? They don’t need two Head of Accounts. They’ll stop playing games with us soon.” He let out a sigh. “They’re going to pick Kenny.”
“Pete, you don’t know that...”
“Will you sit down?” he asked impatiently.
Peggy looked wary of him then, like he was getting too close to that line she had drawn between them. Pete turned away, expecting her to walk out. Instead he felt Peggy lowering herself onto the cushion beside him. They didn’t meet each other’s eyes. They both stared towards the window and the dark twinkling city beyond its glass.
“If they pick Ken...” Peggy said to him, “...then you should leave for Grey and take as many of your clients with you as will come. Hit them where it hurts.”
Pete smirked a little at that. He loved the way her mind worked. He loved how she said things that most guys wouldn’t have the nerve to say. But this still wasn’t what he wanted to talk about.
“I miss you,” he said.
It was in his head so he just said it. He had to say it.
She sighed. “Pete, I...”
“I didn’t mean it like that,” Pete added quickly, even though he missed that too and he always would. “It’s just that...I miss talking with you sometimes.”
There was silence between them for a moment and then;
“Well, we’re talking right now.”
Pete could hear the soft smiling in her voice.
“That’s true,” he said, mollified.
Pete hated how desperately happy he felt just to be sitting here and talking to Peggy. He had wanted so much more than this. He had ruined it. She had ruined it. And yet somehow he still loved just...being with her. Everything was the truth when he was with Peggy. He wanted to tell her this every time they were together. He wanted to find a thousand ways to say it...
....I only ever feel like myself when I’m with you.
But it wouldn’t matter how many times Pete told her the truth. It was never going to change the hurt and the lines that existed between them now. There was little more left to say.
Pete took a breath. “What was it?”
“What?” said Peggy, startled.
“Boy or girl?” he asked; his voice very quiet now.
Their eyes met and held. Peggy’s stare were shining with the tears she would never allow to fall in front of him. Pete swallowed hard, because he had promised himself he wasn’t going to let her see him cry again either. Peggy opened her mouth, but no sound would come out. Then slowly her lips formed the shape of the word ‘Boy’.
Pete nodded stiffly and turned away. He supposed it didn’t make any difference. He would still never know this child; never see him, never touch him. He would only ever know this feeling of loss that they both shared. Pete tried not to cry. He reached across the couch, taking Peggy’s hand and pressing her knuckles. A few weeks ago Pete had reached for Trudy’s hand in the same way. He didn’t know how else to say he was sorry.
Peggy sighed. It seemed she was letting the old wound breathe.
“He’ll be three soon...” she said mistily.
Then for a long time she said nothing at all. Suddenly there was another ghost in the room. Another person who should be here, but wasn’t. There would always be that lost child hanging in the air around them. All they could feel now was what had been lost and what had gone. Pete couldn’t even say it hurt anymore. He was just numb.
Yet Pete was still content just to have Peggy here with him, sitting beside him. He was so happy to be with her that he almost cried out when her hand slipped from his and she left his office without a word.
Ends
Summary: A little two part fic exploring Pete and Peggy's relationship since their confessions to each other in the S2 finale. The first part is from Peggy's POV and is set in the aftermath of the infamous lawnmower accident in 'Guy walks into an Ad Agency'. The second part is from Pete's POV and takes place during an office party sometime after 'Wee Small Hours'.
Characters: Pete and Peggy.
Spoilers: Up to 3x9.
Disclaimer: Mad Men belongs to Matt Weiner.
Author's Note: I felt like writing a little something for me and the other starving Pete/Peggy fans, especially my good friend lenina20 . I'm not giving up the faith just yet, but I hope these scenes offer some compensation for the sad lack of our favourite ship so far in S3.
Old Wounds
Peggy turned away from the blood, walking briskly between the lines of desks.
She was the only one who had fainted and that was humiliating enough. She wasn’t supposed to faint or cry, like some helpless little girl. She had promised herself she would never be weak again. Yet her legs were still trembling beneath her and her head was so dizzy it felt like it might float off her shoulders.
She just wasn’t prepared for all that blood...she wasn’t prepared for the sudden memory of...
....all that blood between her legs...the red stain on the hospital bed after they had taken her child away. There was no Pete there to catch her that day. There had only been her mother sitting by her side, squeezing her hand, her tearful voice asking; “Was you raped, peaches?” For days Peggy had just shaken her head and turned away, refusing all their questions. They had given her pills to make her feel more like talking but she could never bring herself to say Pete’s name. Even after they had worn down all her denials and defenses she had only ever given them two words; “He’s married.”
Peggy pushed these memories to the back of her mind like she had learned to do. She turned into the staff kitchen, heading for the sink. Pete had beaten her to it. He stood hunched over the basin, splashing his face with water from the tap.
“Oh, you’re here...” Peggy blurted in surprise.
Pete flinched and spun around. The tap was still running. The water was dripping from his chin and his eyes were cartoonishly wide. Peggy knew she shouldn’t have spoken, but now Pete was looking at her and they were alone.
“Were you being sick?” she asked, tentatively.
“No,” Pete snapped, wiping his face and straightening his back, trying to strike a manly pose that would never look convincing on him. “Are you okay now?”
Peggy straightened too and prayed that she wasn’t blushing. “I’m fine,” she insisted. She knew she should probably thank him for not letting her fall, but she couldn’t bring herself to say the words. “I’m fine...I just need a...”
She pointed towards the cupboard. Yes, a glass of water. That seemed reasonable and dignified enough. But Peggy found by the time she had reached the counter, her hands were shaking so much she didn’t trust herself to be holding glass. Instead she just gripped the sideboard, trying to steady herself. Pete turned off the cold tap and stood nervously loosening his tie. Out in the foyer they could still hear Guy screaming through his teeth while Joan and Ken yelled out frantic instructions. The blood would still be pooling on the carpet...
Peggy could still remember her own doctor telling her; “You’re going to be a mother”. How presumptuous of him.
She shook herself. She needed to say something. She needed to distract herself from these memories and the fact that she and Pete were both just cowering in this room, letting other people deal with the accident.
“I...I can’t believe this...” Peggy stammered. “This is so bad. It’s going to be bad for us, right? I mean...this is the sort of thing that could bring down the agency, isn’t it?”
Pete still looked dazed and queasy. He blinked at her in confusion.
“Time to grab a lifeboat?” Peggy shrugged, clarifying her fears.
Pete’s face turned sour, his eyes narrowing and his lips forming a tight little knot.
“Is that all you can think about?” he hissed, reproachfully.
Peggy swallowed. “You were thinking it too,” she accused, because she was damned if she was going to let Pete Campbell make her feel like a bad person.
Pete rolled his eyes and then wandered over to the doorway, taking a glimpse at the chaos that was still ensuing outside and then retreating to the sink once more.
“She drove that thing right into my office, you know...” he muttered.
Peggy breathed a sigh of relief to hear Pete say something so reassuringly selfish. They stood together in silence for a moment, taking comfort in how incapable they were both being in this situation. Peggy saw two secretaries rushing by the door, heading for the ladies room; to cry or throw up, she imagined. But still, nobody else had fainted...
Pete took a breath. “Are you okay then?”
She winced. “I think you already asked me that...”
Pete looked at her steadily and it only then that Peggy realised his question went beyond the current crisis. It stretched back to that quiet night in October when there had been no blood and no screaming, but that hadn’t made it any less painful. Peggy still thought about what they had said to each other that night; how she had hurt him and let him know how much he had hurt her. They hadn’t asked each other since if they were okay. They both knew they were carrying the same old wounds, but they didn’t reach out to touch and ask if it was still hurting. It was just another question Peggy wanted to turn away from.
“I’m fine, Pete,” she said firmly, nodding to herself. “It’ll be fine.”
Pete stared at her with eyes that didn’t believe her. He was better at being honest than she was. Peggy winced again. She didn’t hate him and she didn’t want him to hate her, but it was too much to ask if she was okay. Some things were never going to be okay anymore. But Peggy had learned to lie to herself. She had learned to be strong.
“I’m going to my office,” she asserted.
No matter what, Peggy had her own office with her name on the door. She had walls to hide behind which other girls lacked. Not even Pete could hide in his office now that its windows had been smashed and brought down.
Peggy went there now. She lay on her couch, she took deep breaths and she told herself not to faint.
The blood was only a memory after all.
~*~
Pete sat on his couch, watching her shadow fall against his door. He knew Peggy by her shadow and more besides. He knew that she was lingering close to his office, backing away from the party in the foyer. Sterling Cooper was celebrating its 40th year, but despite all the time Peggy had worked here and however far she had risen through the ranks, she still didn’t fit in with the rest of them. She was still a stranger at their parties.
Pete knew this about her. He had loved her for it.
“You can come in here if you want to...” he called through the open door.
Pete had tried to make his voice sound irritated, yet it still felt more like he was pleading. Peggy stepped inside and the shadows of his office fell around her, flattering her. Pete still thought she was perfect, only these days...he resented it.
“What’s that?” asked Peggy, like she hadn’t heard him.
“I said come in,” he repeated.
“Oh...” She raised her glass of whiskey to her lips and swallowed the last of it down. “You’re not drinking?” she asked him, nodding to his empty hands.
Pete hadn’t had a drink in weeks. He was hoping nobody would notice.
“I don’t feel like it,” he shrugged.
“I know what you mean,” said Peggy, taking a step closer to the couch, but still not sitting. “I know this is a big anniversary, but it doesn’t feel right. Sal’s not here, Joan’s not here, all those firings...it just doesn’t seem like the same company anymore. So many people aren’t here that should be here...”
Pete nodded in agreement. He thought of the day he had seen Joan in Bonwit Teller and it had felt strangely like he was seeing a ghost. He opened his mouth to tell Peggy about their meeting, but thought better of it. This wasn’t what he wanted to talk about. But then Peggy never let him talk about what he wanted to talk about.
“I won’t be here much longer either, I expect” he muttered.
She frowned at him. “What do you mean?”
“What do you think? They don’t need two Head of Accounts. They’ll stop playing games with us soon.” He let out a sigh. “They’re going to pick Kenny.”
“Pete, you don’t know that...”
“Will you sit down?” he asked impatiently.
Peggy looked wary of him then, like he was getting too close to that line she had drawn between them. Pete turned away, expecting her to walk out. Instead he felt Peggy lowering herself onto the cushion beside him. They didn’t meet each other’s eyes. They both stared towards the window and the dark twinkling city beyond its glass.
“If they pick Ken...” Peggy said to him, “...then you should leave for Grey and take as many of your clients with you as will come. Hit them where it hurts.”
Pete smirked a little at that. He loved the way her mind worked. He loved how she said things that most guys wouldn’t have the nerve to say. But this still wasn’t what he wanted to talk about.
“I miss you,” he said.
It was in his head so he just said it. He had to say it.
She sighed. “Pete, I...”
“I didn’t mean it like that,” Pete added quickly, even though he missed that too and he always would. “It’s just that...I miss talking with you sometimes.”
There was silence between them for a moment and then;
“Well, we’re talking right now.”
Pete could hear the soft smiling in her voice.
“That’s true,” he said, mollified.
Pete hated how desperately happy he felt just to be sitting here and talking to Peggy. He had wanted so much more than this. He had ruined it. She had ruined it. And yet somehow he still loved just...being with her. Everything was the truth when he was with Peggy. He wanted to tell her this every time they were together. He wanted to find a thousand ways to say it...
....I only ever feel like myself when I’m with you.
But it wouldn’t matter how many times Pete told her the truth. It was never going to change the hurt and the lines that existed between them now. There was little more left to say.
Pete took a breath. “What was it?”
“What?” said Peggy, startled.
“Boy or girl?” he asked; his voice very quiet now.
Their eyes met and held. Peggy’s stare were shining with the tears she would never allow to fall in front of him. Pete swallowed hard, because he had promised himself he wasn’t going to let her see him cry again either. Peggy opened her mouth, but no sound would come out. Then slowly her lips formed the shape of the word ‘Boy’.
Pete nodded stiffly and turned away. He supposed it didn’t make any difference. He would still never know this child; never see him, never touch him. He would only ever know this feeling of loss that they both shared. Pete tried not to cry. He reached across the couch, taking Peggy’s hand and pressing her knuckles. A few weeks ago Pete had reached for Trudy’s hand in the same way. He didn’t know how else to say he was sorry.
Peggy sighed. It seemed she was letting the old wound breathe.
“He’ll be three soon...” she said mistily.
Then for a long time she said nothing at all. Suddenly there was another ghost in the room. Another person who should be here, but wasn’t. There would always be that lost child hanging in the air around them. All they could feel now was what had been lost and what had gone. Pete couldn’t even say it hurt anymore. He was just numb.
Yet Pete was still content just to have Peggy here with him, sitting beside him. He was so happy to be with her that he almost cried out when her hand slipped from his and she left his office without a word.
Ends