[Ficlet] Out
I couldn't resist.
Title: Out
Series: The Colbert Report
Rating: PG
Warning: Mild crack. Not the drug kind, the mind kind.
Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.
Summary: Stephen receives a visitor in his office after hours.
"I knew one day you'd have to come out and admit it," Stephen said with an air of confidence. "I've seen the way you look at me, the way those keen eyes roam over my body, wondering, longing, needing." He stopped, coughed. "Not that I've thought much about it."
He turned to face his gray-haired companion, who sat at Stephen's desk and stared at him evenly.
"I know what you're here for, but it's something you can't have," Stephen said solemnly. "I know your agenda, you know I fight against it. Why do you persist?"
"Because you lie to yourself," said the other man, voice low, sultry.
Stephen scoffed. "I never--"
"You think I don't know? What you're thinking even now?" Those blue eyes, kind yet piercing, looked him up and down, appraising without shame. Stephen couldn't stop his visible shudder. "You know the truth."
Abruptly, Stephen found it hard to speak. "I..."
In a moment the other man had crossed the room, and Stephen was wrapped up in his arms. Stephen felt his knees grow weak as he looked up into that intent, bearded face. "Oh, Albus! Take me!" he exclaimed, sagging dramatically in the embrace.
But before Dumbledore could begin, the door burst open, and another gray-haired man with whom Stephen was all too familiar swept into the room.
"What are you doing here?" Dumbledore exclaimed. He released Stephen, forcing the pundit to stand on his own two feet, and set his dangerous gaze on the intruder.
"What are you doing here?" Gandalf echoed, returning the glower.
"Two suitors?" Stephen said, back of his hand against his forehead as if he might faint. "Oh, my, what's a southern belle to do?"
Dumbledore withdrew his wand from his robes, and Gandalf held forth his staff, and before the phallic imagery escalated further, Stephen felt someone jostle his shoulder.
"Hey," said Jon's voice. "Hey!"
Stephen sat up quickly, eyes opening, head clearing. He quickly grabbed a tissue to break the line of drool that stretched from his mouth to a small puddle on his desk. "What are you doing here?" he asked Jon, slightly panicked. Had he said anything aloud?
"Are you okay?" Jon asked, concerned. "You were moaning in your sleep."
"Oh, I... I was just being forced to vote for Hilary, is all," Stephen replied quickly, concentrating on mopping up his desk. "Terrible, terrible nightmare."
Jon seemed to buy it. "Uh... okay. Anyway, I was going out for a drink and wanted to know if you wanted to come along."
Stephen stopped short in the act of dropping the balled-up tissue in the trash can. It fell to the floor instead. He cautiously peered up at Jon. "You... you want me to come out with you?"
"Yeah, sure. Are you busy?"
Stephen felt his face growing red. "No..."
"Okay? Sooo... you wanna go?" Jon stared at him expectantly.
Stephen finally managed to school his features back to something more impassive. "I suppose I can give up some time for you, Jon."
Jon smiled and laughed, and Stephen did his best to ignore how the sound made him feel all fluttery inside. "Okay then. I gotta take a leak, but then we can go. Be right back."
"Okie doke." Stephen watched the door close behind Jon, then rummaged through the drawers in his desk. He pulled out two action figures, both with long gray hair and beards. One wore a brightly-colored hat and robe, while the other's attire was muted. "I'm afraid I must take leave of you both, good gentlemen."
"But Stephen!" Dumbledore said, in an oddly squeaky voice that sounded suspiciously like Stephen. "Have we meant nothing to you?"
"How can you leave now?" Gandalf agreed, strangely enough in the same voice. "We were about to fight to the death over your hand!"
"Don't take it so hard," Stephen said, looking from one to the other with a pitying expression. "One day-- not soon, but it will come, unless it never does, which I'm sure it won't-- you will move on."
"If we must," Dumbledore and Gandalf said together.
"You must," Stephen said, and unceremoniously stuffed them back into the drawer. He wiped at his eye, as if smoothing away a single tear.
"Stephen? Who were you talking to?" Jon stood in the doorway, hand on the doorknob.
"No one," Stephen squeaked. He got up and slipped on his jacket. "All ready?"
"All set."
"So Jon..." Stephen said tentatively in the hallway as he locked the door. He coughed and attempted to be more aloof. "You must've heard about Hogwarts' Headmistress."
"Hm? Oh, yeah, heard people in the office talking about it. Pretty out of the blue."
"Haha, yeah, imagine, finding out a guy is gay that late in life!" Stephen laughed forcefully, slipping his keys into his pocket.
"Well, it's not like that's never happened before." Jon paused, then said carefully. "I think I might even know someone who'd benefit from admitting that."
Stephen stared at him. "Pardon?"
"Just saying."
"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Stephen exclaimed, holding up his hands. "Jon, your sodomy is not my business. It's the government's. It's not for anyone else to know, unless of course it just happens to come out after imbibing a dangerous amount of alcohol, because you just can't live with the awful, awful secret anymore, and even then you shouldn't because if your drinking partner is under enough influence, he might make the same admission and then seductively encourage your sin until the sun comes up, just like in all your dirtiest, wildest fantasies." He paused, staring at Jon oddly, then said in a faraway voice, "Now how about that drink?"
"Uh... how about we go to a diner?"
Title: Out
Series: The Colbert Report
Rating: PG
Warning: Mild crack. Not the drug kind, the mind kind.
Disclaimer: All television shows, movies, books, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work, and the characters, settings, and events thereof, are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for-profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context, and and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual.
Summary: Stephen receives a visitor in his office after hours.
"I knew one day you'd have to come out and admit it," Stephen said with an air of confidence. "I've seen the way you look at me, the way those keen eyes roam over my body, wondering, longing, needing." He stopped, coughed. "Not that I've thought much about it."
He turned to face his gray-haired companion, who sat at Stephen's desk and stared at him evenly.
"I know what you're here for, but it's something you can't have," Stephen said solemnly. "I know your agenda, you know I fight against it. Why do you persist?"
"Because you lie to yourself," said the other man, voice low, sultry.
Stephen scoffed. "I never--"
"You think I don't know? What you're thinking even now?" Those blue eyes, kind yet piercing, looked him up and down, appraising without shame. Stephen couldn't stop his visible shudder. "You know the truth."
Abruptly, Stephen found it hard to speak. "I..."
In a moment the other man had crossed the room, and Stephen was wrapped up in his arms. Stephen felt his knees grow weak as he looked up into that intent, bearded face. "Oh, Albus! Take me!" he exclaimed, sagging dramatically in the embrace.
But before Dumbledore could begin, the door burst open, and another gray-haired man with whom Stephen was all too familiar swept into the room.
"What are you doing here?" Dumbledore exclaimed. He released Stephen, forcing the pundit to stand on his own two feet, and set his dangerous gaze on the intruder.
"What are you doing here?" Gandalf echoed, returning the glower.
"Two suitors?" Stephen said, back of his hand against his forehead as if he might faint. "Oh, my, what's a southern belle to do?"
Dumbledore withdrew his wand from his robes, and Gandalf held forth his staff, and before the phallic imagery escalated further, Stephen felt someone jostle his shoulder.
"Hey," said Jon's voice. "Hey!"
Stephen sat up quickly, eyes opening, head clearing. He quickly grabbed a tissue to break the line of drool that stretched from his mouth to a small puddle on his desk. "What are you doing here?" he asked Jon, slightly panicked. Had he said anything aloud?
"Are you okay?" Jon asked, concerned. "You were moaning in your sleep."
"Oh, I... I was just being forced to vote for Hilary, is all," Stephen replied quickly, concentrating on mopping up his desk. "Terrible, terrible nightmare."
Jon seemed to buy it. "Uh... okay. Anyway, I was going out for a drink and wanted to know if you wanted to come along."
Stephen stopped short in the act of dropping the balled-up tissue in the trash can. It fell to the floor instead. He cautiously peered up at Jon. "You... you want me to come out with you?"
"Yeah, sure. Are you busy?"
Stephen felt his face growing red. "No..."
"Okay? Sooo... you wanna go?" Jon stared at him expectantly.
Stephen finally managed to school his features back to something more impassive. "I suppose I can give up some time for you, Jon."
Jon smiled and laughed, and Stephen did his best to ignore how the sound made him feel all fluttery inside. "Okay then. I gotta take a leak, but then we can go. Be right back."
"Okie doke." Stephen watched the door close behind Jon, then rummaged through the drawers in his desk. He pulled out two action figures, both with long gray hair and beards. One wore a brightly-colored hat and robe, while the other's attire was muted. "I'm afraid I must take leave of you both, good gentlemen."
"But Stephen!" Dumbledore said, in an oddly squeaky voice that sounded suspiciously like Stephen. "Have we meant nothing to you?"
"How can you leave now?" Gandalf agreed, strangely enough in the same voice. "We were about to fight to the death over your hand!"
"Don't take it so hard," Stephen said, looking from one to the other with a pitying expression. "One day-- not soon, but it will come, unless it never does, which I'm sure it won't-- you will move on."
"If we must," Dumbledore and Gandalf said together.
"You must," Stephen said, and unceremoniously stuffed them back into the drawer. He wiped at his eye, as if smoothing away a single tear.
"Stephen? Who were you talking to?" Jon stood in the doorway, hand on the doorknob.
"No one," Stephen squeaked. He got up and slipped on his jacket. "All ready?"
"All set."
"So Jon..." Stephen said tentatively in the hallway as he locked the door. He coughed and attempted to be more aloof. "You must've heard about Hogwarts' Headmistress."
"Hm? Oh, yeah, heard people in the office talking about it. Pretty out of the blue."
"Haha, yeah, imagine, finding out a guy is gay that late in life!" Stephen laughed forcefully, slipping his keys into his pocket.
"Well, it's not like that's never happened before." Jon paused, then said carefully. "I think I might even know someone who'd benefit from admitting that."
Stephen stared at him. "Pardon?"
"Just saying."
"Whoa, whoa, whoa!" Stephen exclaimed, holding up his hands. "Jon, your sodomy is not my business. It's the government's. It's not for anyone else to know, unless of course it just happens to come out after imbibing a dangerous amount of alcohol, because you just can't live with the awful, awful secret anymore, and even then you shouldn't because if your drinking partner is under enough influence, he might make the same admission and then seductively encourage your sin until the sun comes up, just like in all your dirtiest, wildest fantasies." He paused, staring at Jon oddly, then said in a faraway voice, "Now how about that drink?"
"Uh... how about we go to a diner?"