Candid
Tao/Sehun (Past Tao/Suho, Mentor!Suho/Tao) R~ 6k ~ I'm supposed to tell a real life story. A relationship, love, reality, something like that. But like, you know, it needs to be believable. Messy even.
Originally written for taohunation original found here
Part one of the {heavily under construction} Polaroids & Paintbrushes verse Other written part ' Take it Slow ' found here
A lot of people discredit photography. Say it’s boring, and lacks talent, lacks art. They’ll tell you that photography is easy, all you have to do is point and click. These are the same people that will later blog a gorgeous photo, or wander through an art gallery, amazed.
To Tao, photography is a true art, a life’s purpose. To capture the perfect photo, one must have a lot of things. The perfect photo has a story behind it, emotion behind it. Photography isn’t just about taking a picture of trees, or adjusting the focus. Photography is about feelings, beauty, precision.
✍
A lot of people discredit modelling. Say it’s shallow, and lacks a purpose. They’ll tell you that models are underfed, not that smart, tell you that all you have to do is be dressed up and walk. These are the same people that will flip through magazines and wish for a models hair, the same people that will purchase the very clothes a model wore, angered that they don’t look the same in it.
To Sehun, modelling is a career, an art. To be a model is not easy. One must be a lot of things. Perfect, confidant, versatile. Modelling isn’t just about posing prettily, or having a stylist stick their brush up your nose. Modelling is about perfection, precision, beauty, sacrifice.
For anyone to be an artist, for anyone to be in a business of creativity, one must be a certain kind of person. Not everyone has the depth, not everyone has the patience to walk down a path of life like this.
This is a world full of broken glass, full of drunk poets, and snapped pencils, a world full of discarded prints, and fingers stuck down throats, curled up on the ground in an empty bathroom. This is a world of sacrifice, and a world where few are allowed to enter, allowed to revel in the secrets.
✍
Sometimes when Tao is photographing his model, he remembers back when he was in that position, remembers the hours spent trying to be something he never was. But these thoughts pass quickly, the shutter sounds, and Tao is left to look at his handiwork, to run fingers over the result, self criticizing, never quite as pleased as he should be with it.
His model will always tell him his work is beautiful, tell him he’s beautiful, while pushing him back into cushions, while pressing lips to his collarbones, to his chest, camera forgotten, criticism forgiven.
Tao is grateful, enthralled to have a model such as is, to have a closeness such as they do, to have a muse, a promise. His galleries shine, filled with photos of a tall, gorgeous man, clothed in expensive materials, intense gaze seeming to sweep out of the photo and into the eyes of those who peer at it.
They say all good things come to an end. This is no exception, no diamond in a world of loathing, of sacrifice, and Tao is left alone. Left alone to sit cradling his broken camera, nursing a cut on his lip.
They say it’s the hardest thing in the world to date a model, say it’s the hardest thing in the world to hold on to someone so strong, yet so fragile. In a moment of tear stained cheeks, and crushed hearts, Tao agrees.
Finding a new model isn’t easy, isn’t something that happens overnight. Fixing a broken heart isn’t easy, isn’t something that cigarettes and empty beer bottles can fix.
Six months pass with no model, and Tao begins to wonder if he’s about to leave behind another path, another art, about to sacrifice another part of him, to move on to something more difficult, more harrowing.
Joonmyun -his manager- doesn’t have the patience, doesn’t have the willpower to deal with Tao’s moping, to mend his cracked bits. He gives him an ultimatum; find a new model for the upcoming gallery or face termination.
Termination sounds nice to Tao, who can’t wake up in the mornings, who has no appetite, but termination means homelessness, anxiety, and Tao has to make ends meet somehow, can’t return to a state he was once in.
The theme of the gallery is simple. Life, relationships, reality. Tell a story through photos, make it realistic, make it have the ups and downs, the sacrifice of life.
Tao holds auditions, but they don’t work out. None of the models meet his expectations, none of the models make him excited, none of the models ignite the spark he’s looking for.
Lu Han is too high maintenance, Minseok is too nice, Chanyeol is too energetic, Hongbin has the look but not the personality.
“You’re not looking for a new boyfriend, Tao. Just find a good-looking model, snap your photos, and pay them. It’s not hard.”
But of course, Joonmyun doesn’t understand, doesn’t quite grasp that Tao needs a model that makes him feel, needs a model that both him and his camera connect with, and none of these boys are it, none of them make him want to pick up his camera. Of course Joonmyun knows him too well, knows what Tao wants out of life, but Joonmyun doesn’t care, doesn’t see eye-to-eye with him. Tao scowls, and continues to mope, continues to live life like every step takes effort, like he’s underwater, trapped behind unbreakable glass.
✍
Tao finds his model in a convenience store of all places, while flipping through the newest Ceci issue. He turns the pages aimlessly, bored, stopping instantly when a true living piece of art catches his eye.
Oh Sehun, age 21, tall, dark-haired, and mysterious, with perfectly crafted eyebrows, and high cheekbones. Tao mentally applauds the boy’s stylist, because this is beauty, this is what Tao has been looking for.
He’s drawn in by the faraway look in the model’s eyes, the lack of emotion in his stare. Tao itches to reach for his camera just seeing him on paper, craves, needs to bring light into his eyes, wants him to glow on camera.
Tao buys the magazine, and sits down at a table in a nearby cafe to read up on this model, his new model
✍
Hiring Sehun is not easy. He’s difficult, stubborn, arrogant, thinks that Tao isn’t well-known enough, isn’t good enough to hire him, and Tao is frustrated. He walks out of their first meeting together in a huff, plastic coffee cup shaking in his hands, and curses on the tip of his tongue. The boy has a sass he doesn’t like, looks at Tao too intensely, judges him too deeply, and he has a heavy heart afterwards
That doesn’t mean he gives up though. Once Tao sets his sights on something, he gets it no matter what, and Sehun is no exception. Tao can’t help but notice that not only is Sehun good-looking, he’s passionate, in a passive kind of way. Tao can tell he cares about his work, but Tao can also tell that Sehun’s stuck in a rut. The same kind of rut he was in back in his model days, only taking the highest paying offers, looking down arrogantly at anything that didn’t “fit his standards”.
Sehun may think he’s looking out for his career, looking out for himself and his finances, but this is the same attitude that ruined Tao’s career, that forced him out of the model industry, struggling to get by until he’d met Joonmyun. Lovely, wealthy, handsome Joonmyun, who gave him a camera and a chance, and saved his life.
Joonmyun had once been everything to Tao. His first proper love, his saviour, his muse. But things had gone awry and they’d realized that they both wanted different things, were both ultimately different people, and Tao had started dating his model. That had also gone awry, but in a completely different way, shattering Tao’s heart, and he hasn’t taken a photo, hasn’t done anything since.
✍
Today could seem like any other regular Tuesday, like just another day of cars passing and horns honking, and tall buildings looming. It isn't a regular day though, because today, Tao has been summoned by Sehun’s agent at the request of Sehun himself, and he heads to the agency with high hopes.
He’s guided up to a floor he hasn’t previously been on, into a room that feels private, with a quiet atmosphere, decorated with pastels and soft posters. As Tao perches on the edge of the small bench couch, he takes in the room around him. It feels less like an office and more like a private lounge, bottles of wine lined up on a shelf, constellations pressed into the ceiling. He finds himself wondering if they glow in the dark, and he wonders what kind of person owns this office.
The answer comes in the form of Oh Sehun sidling into the room, and Tao is reminded of Professor Snape from Harry Potter sweeping into the dungeons. He suppresses a mild giggle, earning himself a slight frown from Sehun. He’s not entirely sure though since Sehun appears to be frowning all the time, a subtle curve of his lips downward, making him look sour and unapproachable. Tao just thinks it’s really hot.
“Why are you laughing at me?” Sehun’s voice is sharp, and Tao can tell he’s trying to be intimidating, but Tao can see his hands shaking slightly, and he smiles at the model, warm and genuine.
Tao doesn’t answer, just smoothes down his jeans and sits up straight, giving Sehun an expectant look. Why am I here?
Sehun coughs a little, and Tao thinks he’s going to sit down at his desk and adress him from there, but he’s startled when the couch dips beside him. He turns his head to see Sehun staring at him with intense eyes.
“What-” Tao starts to speak, but Sehun puts a finger on his lips, effectively hushing him mid sentence, instead pressing a piece of paper into his hand, and a small smirk on his lips. Tao blinks slowly, confused, and his cheeks flush when Sehun leans in to speak into his ear.
“Let’s take this on a test run.”
Tao knows he means the modelling job, knows there’s nothing hidden or veiled behind those words, but his breath catches slightly anyways, and he wanders out of Sehun’s strange office staring at the piece of paper in his hands, confused.
"Okay?" He says, voice unsure, but Sehun's lips twitch into something that might be a small smile, confusing Tao deeper.
"I can't remember your name." Sehun says impassively, cocking his head to the side and giving Tao another intense stare.
"Zitao." He says quietly, fiddling with the paper in his hands and glancing towards the door. He's ready to get out of here, the air stifling under Sehun's strange stare. "But please call me Tao."
"Okay, Tao." Sehun says with a smirk, and oh, that sounds nice coming from his mouth. "You can go now."
✍
Tao tells Joonmyun that he’s found a model, found someone for his gallery, and that they have a meeting in the evening. He fails to tell Joonmyun however, that said ‘meeting’ is at a private lounge located somewhere deep in the city, and he doesn’t tell him of his sudden infatuation with the model.
Tao spends the rest of the day cleaning his lenses and pouring over photoshoot after photoshoot of Oh Sehun, the biggest rising star in the modelling business, worth thousands and steadily climbing to the top. He’s even got a movie deal soon, and a recording session with one of the countries top artists for a featuring rap track.
Tao isn’t even sure why he’s fussing over his hair, and smoothing out his shirt. Sehun is hot yes, but this is a business deal not a chance at a hookup. Tao can’t seem to convince his brain of the difference though, and he’s remembers Joonmyun’s words. You’re looking for a model, not a boyfriend
✍
Tao forgets to take the “private” part of the address into consideration, and he blanches, nervous and stuttering a little when the man at the door asks for his card, pushing Tao away when he has nothing. Tao turns away from the club to do the walk of shame back to his car when long soft fingers curl around his wrist and he turns to see Sehun staring at him, face as impassive as ever.
“Sorry about that. He didn’t give you too much trouble did he? I forgot to put you on the guest list.”
Sehun looks different outside of an office, outside of a magazine, illuminated by the street lights with his face hidden in shadow, and Tao is just a little entranced, just a little more drawn to him. He finds his words catching in his throat, and he gulps, letting himself be tugged inside.
Tao doesn't think he's met anyone as contradictory as this boy. He wonders, as they weave through bodies, and climb stairs, reaching a secluded hallway, where the arrogant, spiteful model went, and when he was replaced by a young boy, eyes sparkling slightly in the soft ceiling lights, as they enter a small room, empty except for a few small couches, and a low table.
Sehun gestures for Tao to sit down, and the room is bathed in an awkward silence, as Tao stares pointedly into the glass Sehun had shoved into his hands. If he looks up he might want to take a picture, and he doesn't want Sehun to think he's just assuming that he'll finally say yes. It's just that Sehun is kind of beautiful, and Tao's view on that hasn't changed, he keeps seeing the light reflect off of the model's cheekbones, keeps seeing the brief flits of emotion fly across his face. He yearns to photograph him in all the moments when he's not looking.
Tao realizes right then what he needs for this gallery, what kind of photos he should take, what kind of feeling he wants to convey, and he can picture it in front of him, can title it, can frame it, and his hands twitch as the silence continues to unfold.
All he can hear is Sehun's soft breathing, and Tao finally looks up to see the boy sitting too close to him, eyes sharp, but conveying something Tao isn't sure about.
"Aren't you wondering why I told you to come here?" Sehun says, whispers almost, and Tao's throat feels dry as he risks looking into the model's eyes. He can't resist the urge this time, raising his phone and taking a photo. Sehun recoils, startled by the sudden action, and Tao pales, knowing he's made a mistake.
"Why did you do that?"
Sehun sounds annoyed, but Tao can hear something in his tone that sounds playful almost.
"Because you're beautiful and I had to take a picture." Tao answers, words shaking as they exit his mouth. If they weren't in a dimly lit room nursing alcohol he would have been less embarrassed by the blush that appears on his cheeks, and he glances downwards.
"I know that's not okay. I just- I see pretty things and I want to take a picture. It makes everything feel more tangible, more real for a minute you know."
Tao doesn't know why he feels the need to be honest about this, doesn't know why he feels the need to tell Sehun this, but he thinks he wants the model to understand that he doesn't want to hire him to get famous, doesn't want to make money. Tao just wants to get his gallery perfect, and he knows Sehun is the one for it.
"Then take pictures of me."
"What?"
Tao blinks in shock, voice coming out too loud, unsure, and he drains the rest of his drink in a moment of sheer anxiety, hissing when it burns down his throat. The drink is strong. Tao wants to ask what the mix is, but Sehun is suddenly two inches from his face, eyes dark, and he vies for choking on his tongue instead.
"I'll do it, photograph me." Sehun breathes into his ear, pulling back to run a finger across Tao's cheek and he thinks well this is a development before Sehun straightens up, looking nervous, coughing a little. "Uh- tell me how you want me I guess? Do I have to sign anything?"
Tao laughs then, feeling more confident than before, buzz settling in, making his brain fuzzy and his body move of it's own accord. He pours himself another glass from the table, briefly glancing at the bottle. Tequila. That explains a lot
"I just need like." Tao pauses, furrowing his brows, trying to get concrete thoughts through his brain and he sees Sehun drinking alarmingly quickly through the corner of his eye. "I'm supposed to tell a real life story. A relationship, love, reality, something like that. But like, you know, it needs to be believable. Messy even."
Sehun nods slowly, looking pensive as he rests his head in a hand. Tao again is struck by how amazing he looks, and he feels like he wants to get to know how beautiful Sehun is behind the scenes, when he's just himself.
"I want it to be candid type shots. I don't want to set up a studio and go through the plastic shit I used to go through when I was a model. I want to capture you and the world through a series of photos that seem real. Kind of like polaroid style."
"Like a fansite master capturing their favourite idol at the airport. Except you're not a fansite master and I'm just a tipsy model." Sehun says, laugh coming out childish, and Tao thinks it's cute. Sehun is endearing like this, downing another glass, and Tao puts a hand on his arm when he reaches for the next one.
"You should slow down a little." He voices quietly, concern coming through in his tone, and Sehun frowns, a weird face that's probably supposed to be intimidating but really just looks like a pouting puppy. Tao founds himself laughing, an embarrassing guffaw brought on by his giddiness over the gallery, and the Tequila flowing through his veins.
Sehun frowns at his laugh, but puts down his glass, plucking Tao's from his hands and moving impossibly close to him on the couch, locking gazes. The silence is suffocating this time, tension filling the air, and Tao is acutely aware of the soft thrum of music wafting from the club downstairs, the faint smell of lavender, left over from the cleaning products used on the couch.
Sehun smiles then, a small gesture, and Tao feels his chest constrict, and he almost knows what's coming, knows what's going to happen next, but he's still unsure. It's sudden when Sehun closes the distance, slightly chapped lips closing around his own, and he forgets to breathe, forgets to move for a second, heart beating rapidly when Sehun breaks the kiss to look at him.
"What do you say we start this 'project' by having the two subjects get to know each other?" Sehun breathes, voice low, and Tao readily agrees, fuelled by lust, alcohol and maybe something more, moaning out loud when Sehun answers his agreement with a roll of his hips. It leaves Tao panting and needy, dragging Sehun down to smash their lips together, lifting up to meet his hips halfway.
✍
Sehun, Tao learns is just as difficult to date as he is to make business arrangements with. They fight a lot, but Tao never forgets, always whips out some form of photography device to capture the moment. Hands shaking between his tears, or hands steady as he secretly photographs a naked Sehun, looking down at him from where he's straddling his hips, looking at the result after and wondering if he should keep some of these to himself, keep Sehun to himself.
They learn about each other each time they’re together, and Tao goes to Sehun’s photoshoots, grins when he sees the put on sexy poses and smoldering looks. Sometimes Sehun visits Joonmyun’s company, throwing his snark everywhere and lounging behind Joonmyun’s desk, something that makes Joonmyun frown and scold.
They grow together, and Tao takes photo after photo, candid shots, and he loves every second of it, even the lowest points, even the anger and shouts and make up sex.
He starts to print some of the photos out, starts to plaster his walls with them, but he never shows Sehun. He doesn't show him a single photo, not even their cuddling selfies, and definitely not the photo of Sehun between his legs, cheeks flushed and eyelashes fluttering as he takes him in completely.
It takes a couple of months for Tao to see his gallery forming in his mind, but now he can see a concrete path. All he needs is an ending, he needs the main piece, and he doesn't find it, can't see it in his thousands of taken photos, wondering when it will happen, wonders when the monumental moment in their relationship will happen.
✍
Tao gets his wish on a Tuesday night when Sehun drags him to a hill top he's never been to before. Sehun brings him to a spot where he can see all of the city at once, the kind of place that you could call a photographers dream. They sit there watching the lights, wrapped in each other, wrapped in the dysfunction of themselves. They fuck in the grass that night, on a thin blanket Sehun had brought, bodies moving together in a way that seems different than any other time before, in a way that makes Tao even more breathless, makes his mind blank, and he comes with literal stars in his eyes, watching them flicker above him, dulled by the city lights below.
Afterwards, when Tao is laying spent on the hill, listening to the wind, and thinking, he glances up to see Sehun standing on the edge of the clearing, looking into the city, silhouetted by the life below, his breath really catches. He feels his stomach churn in the most beautiful way and he knows this is the photo he's been waiting for, snapping it quickly and without Sehun's knowledge.
Tao spends a long time looking at it, spends a long time wishing that things looked as beautiful in photos as they did in real life, wishing that everyone who will one day see this would be able to feel the emotions behind, would be able to hear the distant car engines, and the rustling of trees.
Sehun really is beautiful, captivating, ethereal, everything and Tao is so glad he opened that magazine, so glad Sehun had a change of heart. He smiles to himself, giggling into his camera, ignoring the judging look his boyfriend gives him as he settles in beside him, burying himself in Tao's chest. They settle back into the grass, curled up and content, and as they drift off to sleep on the hillside, both filled with unsaid words, they know.
✍
"You did a good job you know."
"I know."
Tao glances over at Joonmyun and grins at him, ruffling the shorter man's hair fondly, earning himself a scowl, and then a small smile as Joonmyun envelops him in a hug. The gallery is in it's third day, and Tao is overwhelmed to the point of tears at it's success, at his success, Sehun's success, their success.
"I'm so proud of you." Joonmyun says as he pulls back from their embrace, protective hand on Tao's arm, a habit he picked up while they were dating that he hasn't quite seemed to rid himself of it. "Really I am Tao. I always imagined you would be great, but I never imagined you could pull of something like this."
Tao laughs loudly, eyes watering at Joonmyun's words, and he chokes back a sob when he looks around, when he sees the amount of people in the vast room, blinking rapidly. "I couldn't have done it without you Joonmyun. You've saved my life so many times."
Joonmyun frowns, dismissing Tao's praise with a wave of his hand. "No no Taozi, you did this one all by yourself. I didn't help."
"But you could have fired me so many times, you could have left me back on the street when we broke up, you could have left me on the street in the first place Joonmyun. I'm grateful."
Joonmyun looks down, looking on the verge of tears himself this time, and the two are only interrupted by a familiar voice floating over them. Tao snaps his head up in distress, to find Sehun walking over and calling his name. He swallows nervously, awkwardly glancing back at Joonmyun and then over to Sehun.
This is Sehun's first time seeing these photos, his first time seeing their relationship played out like this, in order. He looks awed as he walks through to see them, even earning glances from gallery goers who recognize him as the subject of the show. Some stop him and congratulate him, recognizing him from his previous career, and he grips Tao's arm immediately as he reaches them.
"Why is everyone crying. Cheer up, this is my time to shine." He says, eyes glinting, and Tao in turn rolls his own, leaning forward to taste his breath, taste what's on his tongue, pulling back to cross his arms.
"Sehun it's not even 9pm yet and you're already drunk."
Sehun has the grace to look slightly sheepish, dipping his head, but he curls his fingers around Tao's arm and leans in to speak in his ear.
"Let's look at our life, baby." He murmurs, and Tao laughs. He's obviously trying to sound sexy, but it isn't working with his voice slurring and his eyes glazing over. Tao bids Joonmyun goodbye, taking Sehun to the first photo, to take him through the ups and downs of their relationship, to show him the life they've lived in the past two months.
To Tao, it feels like they've known each other for years, feels like they met in a million past life times, but the time has been short, so short, and he looks forward to all the time to come, all the memories, fights, and tears that have yet to be shed.
✍
The first photo in the gallery -placed right at the entrance- is the first photo Tao ever took of Sehun, a blurry shot of Sehun sitting in a private lounge room, eyes wide and drink in his hand.
"This one's important." Tao says afraid to look at Sehun as he explains, worrying himself over his reaction. "Because I was so nervous about whether or not you'd say yes, or whether you'd even want me to take pictures of you. But then you decided we should make out instead and I guess it worked out."
Sehun stays silent for most of the gallery, trailing behind Tao, hanging on his every word as he voices his thoughts and feelings and why he chose each one, secretly smiling as he listens, blinking back his emotions.
When they come across a particular photo, the tears threaten to spring from Sehun's eyes as he makes a gasping noise in the back of his throat, lacing his fingers with Tao's in an attempt to feel safety. The photo has Sehun curled up at the foot of Tao's bed, sobbing into his hands, broken bottles surrounding him, half dressed.
Sehun doesn't remember this night, doesn't remember drinking shot after shot, doesn't remember throwing the bottle at Tao or refusing to touch him. Sehun doesn't remember the emotion he felt, but Tao does. Tao remembers sitting across from him, leaning against his dresser, curled up in the same way Sehun was, watching him, worrying, also crying.
Tao remembers calming him down, remembers cleaning up the alcohol, and the glass, remembers cradling Sehun into his arms, holding him close, and whispering words into his hair, as the boy hiccuped against his chest.
They move past this picture quickly, but Sehun notices that a lot of people stop at that one, and he can see the sympathy in their eyes, can see the pain. Sehun opens his mouth to ask Tao why he would include a photo like that when he remembers Tao's words to him that night at the club.
"I'm supposed to tell a real life story. A relationship, love, reality, something like that. But like, you know, it needs to be believable. Messy even."
And Tao has accomplished that, has accomplished the reality of the situations, of the memories. He hasn't sugar coated it, or left anything behind, and Sehun finds himself grateful, finds himself walking slower, heart beating against his ribcage as they move the rest of the gallery.
Photos of Sehun pouting because he dropped an entire ice cream cone, photos of Sehun half asleep, rubbing his eyes like a small child, and photos of Sehun and Tao together, with the world at their backs. There's even a photo of Sehun peeking out of a shower curtain, eyes like crescents as he laughs, beckoning Tao to join him.
When they reach the end of the gallery, the middle piece, and the biggest photo, blown up to cover an entire wall, and surrounded with lights, illuminated by a spotlight, Sehun holds his breath and freezes in place. There he is, light up and framed by the city behind him, by the moon and the stars and the overhanging trees. He feels overwhelmed, feels like there's so much more to this photo than he could ever realize and he turns to Tao with tears spilling from his eyes and onto his cheeks, and he sniffles and throws himself into his boyfriend's arms sobbing.
Tao is taken aback by his response, confused, but he stands there and holds him in his arms, pillows him against his chest, drawing soft fingers through hair, and whispering love at him. Tao yearns to say the words he wants to say, but hasn't had the courage to say yet, but he feels those words. They ache in his chest, and deep in his heart, and spill from his mind and his eyes, and he can see them surrounding the two, can see them in the giant photo and in Sehun's shining, glowing eyes.
And it's Sehun who says them first, it's Sehun who sobs them out, and Tao reciprocates tearfully, and they don't realize they have an audience until the room breaks out in applause causing Sehun to jump closer to Tao, and they both start laughing through their tears, interlocking their fingers, as they exit the gallery.
I love you.
Originally written for taohunation original found here
Part one of the {heavily under construction} Polaroids & Paintbrushes verse Other written part ' Take it Slow ' found here
A lot of people discredit photography. Say it’s boring, and lacks talent, lacks art. They’ll tell you that photography is easy, all you have to do is point and click. These are the same people that will later blog a gorgeous photo, or wander through an art gallery, amazed.
To Tao, photography is a true art, a life’s purpose. To capture the perfect photo, one must have a lot of things. The perfect photo has a story behind it, emotion behind it. Photography isn’t just about taking a picture of trees, or adjusting the focus. Photography is about feelings, beauty, precision.
✍
A lot of people discredit modelling. Say it’s shallow, and lacks a purpose. They’ll tell you that models are underfed, not that smart, tell you that all you have to do is be dressed up and walk. These are the same people that will flip through magazines and wish for a models hair, the same people that will purchase the very clothes a model wore, angered that they don’t look the same in it.
To Sehun, modelling is a career, an art. To be a model is not easy. One must be a lot of things. Perfect, confidant, versatile. Modelling isn’t just about posing prettily, or having a stylist stick their brush up your nose. Modelling is about perfection, precision, beauty, sacrifice.
For anyone to be an artist, for anyone to be in a business of creativity, one must be a certain kind of person. Not everyone has the depth, not everyone has the patience to walk down a path of life like this.
This is a world full of broken glass, full of drunk poets, and snapped pencils, a world full of discarded prints, and fingers stuck down throats, curled up on the ground in an empty bathroom. This is a world of sacrifice, and a world where few are allowed to enter, allowed to revel in the secrets.
✍
Sometimes when Tao is photographing his model, he remembers back when he was in that position, remembers the hours spent trying to be something he never was. But these thoughts pass quickly, the shutter sounds, and Tao is left to look at his handiwork, to run fingers over the result, self criticizing, never quite as pleased as he should be with it.
His model will always tell him his work is beautiful, tell him he’s beautiful, while pushing him back into cushions, while pressing lips to his collarbones, to his chest, camera forgotten, criticism forgiven.
Tao is grateful, enthralled to have a model such as is, to have a closeness such as they do, to have a muse, a promise. His galleries shine, filled with photos of a tall, gorgeous man, clothed in expensive materials, intense gaze seeming to sweep out of the photo and into the eyes of those who peer at it.
They say all good things come to an end. This is no exception, no diamond in a world of loathing, of sacrifice, and Tao is left alone. Left alone to sit cradling his broken camera, nursing a cut on his lip.
They say it’s the hardest thing in the world to date a model, say it’s the hardest thing in the world to hold on to someone so strong, yet so fragile. In a moment of tear stained cheeks, and crushed hearts, Tao agrees.
Finding a new model isn’t easy, isn’t something that happens overnight. Fixing a broken heart isn’t easy, isn’t something that cigarettes and empty beer bottles can fix.
Six months pass with no model, and Tao begins to wonder if he’s about to leave behind another path, another art, about to sacrifice another part of him, to move on to something more difficult, more harrowing.
Joonmyun -his manager- doesn’t have the patience, doesn’t have the willpower to deal with Tao’s moping, to mend his cracked bits. He gives him an ultimatum; find a new model for the upcoming gallery or face termination.
Termination sounds nice to Tao, who can’t wake up in the mornings, who has no appetite, but termination means homelessness, anxiety, and Tao has to make ends meet somehow, can’t return to a state he was once in.
The theme of the gallery is simple. Life, relationships, reality. Tell a story through photos, make it realistic, make it have the ups and downs, the sacrifice of life.
Tao holds auditions, but they don’t work out. None of the models meet his expectations, none of the models make him excited, none of the models ignite the spark he’s looking for.
Lu Han is too high maintenance, Minseok is too nice, Chanyeol is too energetic, Hongbin has the look but not the personality.
“You’re not looking for a new boyfriend, Tao. Just find a good-looking model, snap your photos, and pay them. It’s not hard.”
But of course, Joonmyun doesn’t understand, doesn’t quite grasp that Tao needs a model that makes him feel, needs a model that both him and his camera connect with, and none of these boys are it, none of them make him want to pick up his camera. Of course Joonmyun knows him too well, knows what Tao wants out of life, but Joonmyun doesn’t care, doesn’t see eye-to-eye with him. Tao scowls, and continues to mope, continues to live life like every step takes effort, like he’s underwater, trapped behind unbreakable glass.
✍
Tao finds his model in a convenience store of all places, while flipping through the newest Ceci issue. He turns the pages aimlessly, bored, stopping instantly when a true living piece of art catches his eye.
Oh Sehun, age 21, tall, dark-haired, and mysterious, with perfectly crafted eyebrows, and high cheekbones. Tao mentally applauds the boy’s stylist, because this is beauty, this is what Tao has been looking for.
He’s drawn in by the faraway look in the model’s eyes, the lack of emotion in his stare. Tao itches to reach for his camera just seeing him on paper, craves, needs to bring light into his eyes, wants him to glow on camera.
Tao buys the magazine, and sits down at a table in a nearby cafe to read up on this model, his new model
✍
Hiring Sehun is not easy. He’s difficult, stubborn, arrogant, thinks that Tao isn’t well-known enough, isn’t good enough to hire him, and Tao is frustrated. He walks out of their first meeting together in a huff, plastic coffee cup shaking in his hands, and curses on the tip of his tongue. The boy has a sass he doesn’t like, looks at Tao too intensely, judges him too deeply, and he has a heavy heart afterwards
That doesn’t mean he gives up though. Once Tao sets his sights on something, he gets it no matter what, and Sehun is no exception. Tao can’t help but notice that not only is Sehun good-looking, he’s passionate, in a passive kind of way. Tao can tell he cares about his work, but Tao can also tell that Sehun’s stuck in a rut. The same kind of rut he was in back in his model days, only taking the highest paying offers, looking down arrogantly at anything that didn’t “fit his standards”.
Sehun may think he’s looking out for his career, looking out for himself and his finances, but this is the same attitude that ruined Tao’s career, that forced him out of the model industry, struggling to get by until he’d met Joonmyun. Lovely, wealthy, handsome Joonmyun, who gave him a camera and a chance, and saved his life.
Joonmyun had once been everything to Tao. His first proper love, his saviour, his muse. But things had gone awry and they’d realized that they both wanted different things, were both ultimately different people, and Tao had started dating his model. That had also gone awry, but in a completely different way, shattering Tao’s heart, and he hasn’t taken a photo, hasn’t done anything since.
✍
Today could seem like any other regular Tuesday, like just another day of cars passing and horns honking, and tall buildings looming. It isn't a regular day though, because today, Tao has been summoned by Sehun’s agent at the request of Sehun himself, and he heads to the agency with high hopes.
He’s guided up to a floor he hasn’t previously been on, into a room that feels private, with a quiet atmosphere, decorated with pastels and soft posters. As Tao perches on the edge of the small bench couch, he takes in the room around him. It feels less like an office and more like a private lounge, bottles of wine lined up on a shelf, constellations pressed into the ceiling. He finds himself wondering if they glow in the dark, and he wonders what kind of person owns this office.
The answer comes in the form of Oh Sehun sidling into the room, and Tao is reminded of Professor Snape from Harry Potter sweeping into the dungeons. He suppresses a mild giggle, earning himself a slight frown from Sehun. He’s not entirely sure though since Sehun appears to be frowning all the time, a subtle curve of his lips downward, making him look sour and unapproachable. Tao just thinks it’s really hot.
“Why are you laughing at me?” Sehun’s voice is sharp, and Tao can tell he’s trying to be intimidating, but Tao can see his hands shaking slightly, and he smiles at the model, warm and genuine.
Tao doesn’t answer, just smoothes down his jeans and sits up straight, giving Sehun an expectant look. Why am I here?
Sehun coughs a little, and Tao thinks he’s going to sit down at his desk and adress him from there, but he’s startled when the couch dips beside him. He turns his head to see Sehun staring at him with intense eyes.
“What-” Tao starts to speak, but Sehun puts a finger on his lips, effectively hushing him mid sentence, instead pressing a piece of paper into his hand, and a small smirk on his lips. Tao blinks slowly, confused, and his cheeks flush when Sehun leans in to speak into his ear.
“Let’s take this on a test run.”
Tao knows he means the modelling job, knows there’s nothing hidden or veiled behind those words, but his breath catches slightly anyways, and he wanders out of Sehun’s strange office staring at the piece of paper in his hands, confused.
"Okay?" He says, voice unsure, but Sehun's lips twitch into something that might be a small smile, confusing Tao deeper.
"I can't remember your name." Sehun says impassively, cocking his head to the side and giving Tao another intense stare.
"Zitao." He says quietly, fiddling with the paper in his hands and glancing towards the door. He's ready to get out of here, the air stifling under Sehun's strange stare. "But please call me Tao."
"Okay, Tao." Sehun says with a smirk, and oh, that sounds nice coming from his mouth. "You can go now."
✍
Tao tells Joonmyun that he’s found a model, found someone for his gallery, and that they have a meeting in the evening. He fails to tell Joonmyun however, that said ‘meeting’ is at a private lounge located somewhere deep in the city, and he doesn’t tell him of his sudden infatuation with the model.
Tao spends the rest of the day cleaning his lenses and pouring over photoshoot after photoshoot of Oh Sehun, the biggest rising star in the modelling business, worth thousands and steadily climbing to the top. He’s even got a movie deal soon, and a recording session with one of the countries top artists for a featuring rap track.
Tao isn’t even sure why he’s fussing over his hair, and smoothing out his shirt. Sehun is hot yes, but this is a business deal not a chance at a hookup. Tao can’t seem to convince his brain of the difference though, and he’s remembers Joonmyun’s words. You’re looking for a model, not a boyfriend
✍
Tao forgets to take the “private” part of the address into consideration, and he blanches, nervous and stuttering a little when the man at the door asks for his card, pushing Tao away when he has nothing. Tao turns away from the club to do the walk of shame back to his car when long soft fingers curl around his wrist and he turns to see Sehun staring at him, face as impassive as ever.
“Sorry about that. He didn’t give you too much trouble did he? I forgot to put you on the guest list.”
Sehun looks different outside of an office, outside of a magazine, illuminated by the street lights with his face hidden in shadow, and Tao is just a little entranced, just a little more drawn to him. He finds his words catching in his throat, and he gulps, letting himself be tugged inside.
Tao doesn't think he's met anyone as contradictory as this boy. He wonders, as they weave through bodies, and climb stairs, reaching a secluded hallway, where the arrogant, spiteful model went, and when he was replaced by a young boy, eyes sparkling slightly in the soft ceiling lights, as they enter a small room, empty except for a few small couches, and a low table.
Sehun gestures for Tao to sit down, and the room is bathed in an awkward silence, as Tao stares pointedly into the glass Sehun had shoved into his hands. If he looks up he might want to take a picture, and he doesn't want Sehun to think he's just assuming that he'll finally say yes. It's just that Sehun is kind of beautiful, and Tao's view on that hasn't changed, he keeps seeing the light reflect off of the model's cheekbones, keeps seeing the brief flits of emotion fly across his face. He yearns to photograph him in all the moments when he's not looking.
Tao realizes right then what he needs for this gallery, what kind of photos he should take, what kind of feeling he wants to convey, and he can picture it in front of him, can title it, can frame it, and his hands twitch as the silence continues to unfold.
All he can hear is Sehun's soft breathing, and Tao finally looks up to see the boy sitting too close to him, eyes sharp, but conveying something Tao isn't sure about.
"Aren't you wondering why I told you to come here?" Sehun says, whispers almost, and Tao's throat feels dry as he risks looking into the model's eyes. He can't resist the urge this time, raising his phone and taking a photo. Sehun recoils, startled by the sudden action, and Tao pales, knowing he's made a mistake.
"Why did you do that?"
Sehun sounds annoyed, but Tao can hear something in his tone that sounds playful almost.
"Because you're beautiful and I had to take a picture." Tao answers, words shaking as they exit his mouth. If they weren't in a dimly lit room nursing alcohol he would have been less embarrassed by the blush that appears on his cheeks, and he glances downwards.
"I know that's not okay. I just- I see pretty things and I want to take a picture. It makes everything feel more tangible, more real for a minute you know."
Tao doesn't know why he feels the need to be honest about this, doesn't know why he feels the need to tell Sehun this, but he thinks he wants the model to understand that he doesn't want to hire him to get famous, doesn't want to make money. Tao just wants to get his gallery perfect, and he knows Sehun is the one for it.
"Then take pictures of me."
"What?"
Tao blinks in shock, voice coming out too loud, unsure, and he drains the rest of his drink in a moment of sheer anxiety, hissing when it burns down his throat. The drink is strong. Tao wants to ask what the mix is, but Sehun is suddenly two inches from his face, eyes dark, and he vies for choking on his tongue instead.
"I'll do it, photograph me." Sehun breathes into his ear, pulling back to run a finger across Tao's cheek and he thinks well this is a development before Sehun straightens up, looking nervous, coughing a little. "Uh- tell me how you want me I guess? Do I have to sign anything?"
Tao laughs then, feeling more confident than before, buzz settling in, making his brain fuzzy and his body move of it's own accord. He pours himself another glass from the table, briefly glancing at the bottle. Tequila. That explains a lot
"I just need like." Tao pauses, furrowing his brows, trying to get concrete thoughts through his brain and he sees Sehun drinking alarmingly quickly through the corner of his eye. "I'm supposed to tell a real life story. A relationship, love, reality, something like that. But like, you know, it needs to be believable. Messy even."
Sehun nods slowly, looking pensive as he rests his head in a hand. Tao again is struck by how amazing he looks, and he feels like he wants to get to know how beautiful Sehun is behind the scenes, when he's just himself.
"I want it to be candid type shots. I don't want to set up a studio and go through the plastic shit I used to go through when I was a model. I want to capture you and the world through a series of photos that seem real. Kind of like polaroid style."
"Like a fansite master capturing their favourite idol at the airport. Except you're not a fansite master and I'm just a tipsy model." Sehun says, laugh coming out childish, and Tao thinks it's cute. Sehun is endearing like this, downing another glass, and Tao puts a hand on his arm when he reaches for the next one.
"You should slow down a little." He voices quietly, concern coming through in his tone, and Sehun frowns, a weird face that's probably supposed to be intimidating but really just looks like a pouting puppy. Tao founds himself laughing, an embarrassing guffaw brought on by his giddiness over the gallery, and the Tequila flowing through his veins.
Sehun frowns at his laugh, but puts down his glass, plucking Tao's from his hands and moving impossibly close to him on the couch, locking gazes. The silence is suffocating this time, tension filling the air, and Tao is acutely aware of the soft thrum of music wafting from the club downstairs, the faint smell of lavender, left over from the cleaning products used on the couch.
Sehun smiles then, a small gesture, and Tao feels his chest constrict, and he almost knows what's coming, knows what's going to happen next, but he's still unsure. It's sudden when Sehun closes the distance, slightly chapped lips closing around his own, and he forgets to breathe, forgets to move for a second, heart beating rapidly when Sehun breaks the kiss to look at him.
"What do you say we start this 'project' by having the two subjects get to know each other?" Sehun breathes, voice low, and Tao readily agrees, fuelled by lust, alcohol and maybe something more, moaning out loud when Sehun answers his agreement with a roll of his hips. It leaves Tao panting and needy, dragging Sehun down to smash their lips together, lifting up to meet his hips halfway.
✍
Sehun, Tao learns is just as difficult to date as he is to make business arrangements with. They fight a lot, but Tao never forgets, always whips out some form of photography device to capture the moment. Hands shaking between his tears, or hands steady as he secretly photographs a naked Sehun, looking down at him from where he's straddling his hips, looking at the result after and wondering if he should keep some of these to himself, keep Sehun to himself.
They learn about each other each time they’re together, and Tao goes to Sehun’s photoshoots, grins when he sees the put on sexy poses and smoldering looks. Sometimes Sehun visits Joonmyun’s company, throwing his snark everywhere and lounging behind Joonmyun’s desk, something that makes Joonmyun frown and scold.
They grow together, and Tao takes photo after photo, candid shots, and he loves every second of it, even the lowest points, even the anger and shouts and make up sex.
He starts to print some of the photos out, starts to plaster his walls with them, but he never shows Sehun. He doesn't show him a single photo, not even their cuddling selfies, and definitely not the photo of Sehun between his legs, cheeks flushed and eyelashes fluttering as he takes him in completely.
It takes a couple of months for Tao to see his gallery forming in his mind, but now he can see a concrete path. All he needs is an ending, he needs the main piece, and he doesn't find it, can't see it in his thousands of taken photos, wondering when it will happen, wonders when the monumental moment in their relationship will happen.
✍
Tao gets his wish on a Tuesday night when Sehun drags him to a hill top he's never been to before. Sehun brings him to a spot where he can see all of the city at once, the kind of place that you could call a photographers dream. They sit there watching the lights, wrapped in each other, wrapped in the dysfunction of themselves. They fuck in the grass that night, on a thin blanket Sehun had brought, bodies moving together in a way that seems different than any other time before, in a way that makes Tao even more breathless, makes his mind blank, and he comes with literal stars in his eyes, watching them flicker above him, dulled by the city lights below.
Afterwards, when Tao is laying spent on the hill, listening to the wind, and thinking, he glances up to see Sehun standing on the edge of the clearing, looking into the city, silhouetted by the life below, his breath really catches. He feels his stomach churn in the most beautiful way and he knows this is the photo he's been waiting for, snapping it quickly and without Sehun's knowledge.
Tao spends a long time looking at it, spends a long time wishing that things looked as beautiful in photos as they did in real life, wishing that everyone who will one day see this would be able to feel the emotions behind, would be able to hear the distant car engines, and the rustling of trees.
Sehun really is beautiful, captivating, ethereal, everything and Tao is so glad he opened that magazine, so glad Sehun had a change of heart. He smiles to himself, giggling into his camera, ignoring the judging look his boyfriend gives him as he settles in beside him, burying himself in Tao's chest. They settle back into the grass, curled up and content, and as they drift off to sleep on the hillside, both filled with unsaid words, they know.
✍
"You did a good job you know."
"I know."
Tao glances over at Joonmyun and grins at him, ruffling the shorter man's hair fondly, earning himself a scowl, and then a small smile as Joonmyun envelops him in a hug. The gallery is in it's third day, and Tao is overwhelmed to the point of tears at it's success, at his success, Sehun's success, their success.
"I'm so proud of you." Joonmyun says as he pulls back from their embrace, protective hand on Tao's arm, a habit he picked up while they were dating that he hasn't quite seemed to rid himself of it. "Really I am Tao. I always imagined you would be great, but I never imagined you could pull of something like this."
Tao laughs loudly, eyes watering at Joonmyun's words, and he chokes back a sob when he looks around, when he sees the amount of people in the vast room, blinking rapidly. "I couldn't have done it without you Joonmyun. You've saved my life so many times."
Joonmyun frowns, dismissing Tao's praise with a wave of his hand. "No no Taozi, you did this one all by yourself. I didn't help."
"But you could have fired me so many times, you could have left me back on the street when we broke up, you could have left me on the street in the first place Joonmyun. I'm grateful."
Joonmyun looks down, looking on the verge of tears himself this time, and the two are only interrupted by a familiar voice floating over them. Tao snaps his head up in distress, to find Sehun walking over and calling his name. He swallows nervously, awkwardly glancing back at Joonmyun and then over to Sehun.
This is Sehun's first time seeing these photos, his first time seeing their relationship played out like this, in order. He looks awed as he walks through to see them, even earning glances from gallery goers who recognize him as the subject of the show. Some stop him and congratulate him, recognizing him from his previous career, and he grips Tao's arm immediately as he reaches them.
"Why is everyone crying. Cheer up, this is my time to shine." He says, eyes glinting, and Tao in turn rolls his own, leaning forward to taste his breath, taste what's on his tongue, pulling back to cross his arms.
"Sehun it's not even 9pm yet and you're already drunk."
Sehun has the grace to look slightly sheepish, dipping his head, but he curls his fingers around Tao's arm and leans in to speak in his ear.
"Let's look at our life, baby." He murmurs, and Tao laughs. He's obviously trying to sound sexy, but it isn't working with his voice slurring and his eyes glazing over. Tao bids Joonmyun goodbye, taking Sehun to the first photo, to take him through the ups and downs of their relationship, to show him the life they've lived in the past two months.
To Tao, it feels like they've known each other for years, feels like they met in a million past life times, but the time has been short, so short, and he looks forward to all the time to come, all the memories, fights, and tears that have yet to be shed.
✍
The first photo in the gallery -placed right at the entrance- is the first photo Tao ever took of Sehun, a blurry shot of Sehun sitting in a private lounge room, eyes wide and drink in his hand.
"This one's important." Tao says afraid to look at Sehun as he explains, worrying himself over his reaction. "Because I was so nervous about whether or not you'd say yes, or whether you'd even want me to take pictures of you. But then you decided we should make out instead and I guess it worked out."
Sehun stays silent for most of the gallery, trailing behind Tao, hanging on his every word as he voices his thoughts and feelings and why he chose each one, secretly smiling as he listens, blinking back his emotions.
When they come across a particular photo, the tears threaten to spring from Sehun's eyes as he makes a gasping noise in the back of his throat, lacing his fingers with Tao's in an attempt to feel safety. The photo has Sehun curled up at the foot of Tao's bed, sobbing into his hands, broken bottles surrounding him, half dressed.
Sehun doesn't remember this night, doesn't remember drinking shot after shot, doesn't remember throwing the bottle at Tao or refusing to touch him. Sehun doesn't remember the emotion he felt, but Tao does. Tao remembers sitting across from him, leaning against his dresser, curled up in the same way Sehun was, watching him, worrying, also crying.
Tao remembers calming him down, remembers cleaning up the alcohol, and the glass, remembers cradling Sehun into his arms, holding him close, and whispering words into his hair, as the boy hiccuped against his chest.
They move past this picture quickly, but Sehun notices that a lot of people stop at that one, and he can see the sympathy in their eyes, can see the pain. Sehun opens his mouth to ask Tao why he would include a photo like that when he remembers Tao's words to him that night at the club.
"I'm supposed to tell a real life story. A relationship, love, reality, something like that. But like, you know, it needs to be believable. Messy even."
And Tao has accomplished that, has accomplished the reality of the situations, of the memories. He hasn't sugar coated it, or left anything behind, and Sehun finds himself grateful, finds himself walking slower, heart beating against his ribcage as they move the rest of the gallery.
Photos of Sehun pouting because he dropped an entire ice cream cone, photos of Sehun half asleep, rubbing his eyes like a small child, and photos of Sehun and Tao together, with the world at their backs. There's even a photo of Sehun peeking out of a shower curtain, eyes like crescents as he laughs, beckoning Tao to join him.
When they reach the end of the gallery, the middle piece, and the biggest photo, blown up to cover an entire wall, and surrounded with lights, illuminated by a spotlight, Sehun holds his breath and freezes in place. There he is, light up and framed by the city behind him, by the moon and the stars and the overhanging trees. He feels overwhelmed, feels like there's so much more to this photo than he could ever realize and he turns to Tao with tears spilling from his eyes and onto his cheeks, and he sniffles and throws himself into his boyfriend's arms sobbing.
Tao is taken aback by his response, confused, but he stands there and holds him in his arms, pillows him against his chest, drawing soft fingers through hair, and whispering love at him. Tao yearns to say the words he wants to say, but hasn't had the courage to say yet, but he feels those words. They ache in his chest, and deep in his heart, and spill from his mind and his eyes, and he can see them surrounding the two, can see them in the giant photo and in Sehun's shining, glowing eyes.
And it's Sehun who says them first, it's Sehun who sobs them out, and Tao reciprocates tearfully, and they don't realize they have an audience until the room breaks out in applause causing Sehun to jump closer to Tao, and they both start laughing through their tears, interlocking their fingers, as they exit the gallery.
I love you.