Sometime Sunday morning. Kilroy of course sounds well rested and energetic as ever.
Kelly! Kelly darling, you need some tea. Perhaps of the lavender variety. We're going to send you some tea- TELL MARIE THAT MONDAY IS PERFECT. LOVELY EVEN. TELL HER THANK YOU IN ADVANCE. Tell her I'll have a pass waiting for her at the front desk at NBC. Tell her to come straight to my office and watch out for ravenous interns. THEY ARE RAVENOUS I TELL YOU.
Return Callmay_haighaFebruary 18 2008, 03:52:53 UTC
Barely a moment later from May's cell phone, in her usual overly energetic tone.
Tea! Kelly! Tea! Tea and toast! And must- YES SHE NEEDS MUSTARD! NO! IT IS NOT CRAZY! WILL YOU STOP HASSLING ME ABOUT IT? YOU WON'T EVEN TR- Since when are we late for anyth- IT IS SUNDAY!
The sound of giggles and perhaps a skee-ball or pin-ball machine in the background.
Oh, right, the phone is still- KELLY! Monday! Make sure Marie doesn't wear red. That sets the interns right off. Huh? Are you sure? No, I thought that was interns. IT'S ON WIKIPEDIA! YES IT IS!
Right. Monday. Marie. No red. Would she like some toast? Maybe a sandwich to be waiting for her?
NO. I SAID. I SAID YOU DIDN'T! No- GOD DAMN IT MAY GET THAT MUSTARD AWAY FROM ME OR SO HELP ME GOD-
Hi, oh. Hi, Kelly. Just letting you know that even though May is not ok with red I believe that something like PINK OR LAVENDER would be appropriate. NO NO NOT LIKE THE COLOR OF THE TEA BUT THE COLOR OF TH- MAY! MAY FOR CHRISTSSAKE.
Ahem. Like I was saying. Lavender or pink, perhaps. It's an 80's style wedding but no puffy shoulder things. My mom used to wear those and it'll look a little strange. YES I TOLD HER NO SHOULDER PAD-
Return Callmay_haighaFebruary 18 2008, 04:07:23 UTC
Perhaps a minute or two later
Kelly. KELLYKELLYKELLY! Wha- No! I didn't say 'Kilroy!' Kelly! YES I AM CALLING HER BACK! Why ar- I WILL USE THE MUSTARD, I SWEAR TO XENU!
A sound of a scuffle against the phone, and helpless screaming giggles. Then May comes back a little out of breath.
No tea colors. Purple. Like my ring. And wh- I KNOW YOU DIDN'T TELL HER, I WAS RIGHT HERE WHEN YOU WERE ON THE PHONE! No- NONONONONO! You're not supposed to see me in any dress anyway! SO I HAVE TO TALK TO MARIE ABOUT IT IN PRIVATE!
What is that supposed to mean? Oh, I'll SHOW YOU A RASPBERRY!
While the first message is being left. May saying TEEAAAAAAAA can be heard in the near background.
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS. I AM NAKED TOO. WE ARE THE SAME AMOUNT OF NAKED. AND YOU WANT ME TO GO MAKE TEA? NO. THIS IS WHY WE SHOULD GET A BUTLER. NO NOT BUTT- NOT OH MY GOD I'M SO GOING TO MAKE YOU PAY FOR THAT.
GET OFF MY BED. GET OFF. IT'S MY BED. SO. THAT MEANS IF I SAY GET OFF I MEAN- STOP KICKING THE SHEETS! THEY ARE MADE OF SILK. SILK SHEETS BABY.
Hi Kelly? Yeah. MAYBE SHE WON'T GET A DRESS. MAYBE SHE'S JUST HAPPY BEING NAKED ALL THE TIME. I DON'T CARE. NO. I DON'T- [laughing] I SAID I DON'T CARE.
Immediately after May realizes the previous message ended. The sound of frantically pushed buttons can be heard for a few seconds before May finally speaks.
You heard that, right Kelly? KILROY BENSON WANTS HIS FIANCEE TO GO AROUND NAKED ALL THE TIME! And, he totally isn't the same amount of naked as I am, since he's still wearing the hat. YES IT DOES COUNT! I'M NOT WEARI-
OH YEAH? I'LL JUST GO SLEEP ON THE COUCH! FOREVER! AND YOU WON'T BE ALLOWED, BECAUSE GUESS WHAT? THAT'S MY COUCH! Kelly- STOP INTERRUPTING MY PHONE CALLS! Okay. Kelly. When Marie asks abo- IF YOU KEEP TRYING TO YANK ME OFF THE BED YOU'RE GOING TO BREAK IT! What? Nooooooooooo! Just TEA!
NO! NOT ANYMORE! THAT THING IS TOTALLY BANNED NOW! Just for that, I'm showing up to work tomorrow naked. I'm sure the interns will love that. Don't you think so, Kelly? Kelly? CALL ME BACK AND LET ME KNOW WHAT SORT OF ACCESSORIES I SHOULD WEAR WITH NAKED!
Kelly, could you please tell May that I am now in my robe AND shorts that SHE gave me so she can stop- OH MY GOD YOU ARE SUCH A VULGAR WOMAN. NO. NO I DON'T MIND BUT- I SWEAR TO GO IF YOU DO THAT AT THE OFFICE I WILL FIRE YOU. FIRE. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT? FIRING? I WILL FIRE YOU SO HARD BABY YOU WON'T KNOW WHAT HIT YOU.
Ok. Kelly. I was being sarcastic. May needs to be wearing a dress at least until I have her alone in our limo. Even then, it would be kind of hot to make out in the limo with the dress on. OH AND I'M WEARING A TOP HAT SO MAYBE MARIE SHOULD KEEP THAT IN-
A little bit later. May is giggling more than usual.
Kelly. Kilroy doesn't seem to understand that the only reason I let him get dressed was to make me some tea. Could you please relay that message to him when you call him back? I'm just trying to mind my own business and relax on my day off, and he is keeping all that tea from me. It's like he wants me to suffer, needlessly and horribly.
FOR THE LOVE OF XENU, KILROY! WOULD YOU LET ME JUST- DO YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO LET YOU DO TO ME AT WORK? I'M GOING TO WAIT FOR THE COSTUMERS TO GET THERE, AND I'M GOING TO HAVE THEM TAK- [The sounds of a dropping phone and a muffled voice of May continuing with words like 'Wig', 'Paddle', 'Knots' and 'Until you scream' able to be made out before she picks the phone back up]
And, inform Marie that the dress will need to be limo make out compliant. He's not getting away with that suggestion!
Get your hands off me. How- how am I supposed to? Ok fine you want hot water on you? While I am trying to make you tea you are trying to make me spill hot water all over the place?
What? What? [Muffled voices as Kilroy puts his hand over the phone but the words "bath" and "that sounds nice" can be heard.]
Yeah, I mean a long train or whatever is good because it feels like you have to on an exploration, but it can't get caught in places that will ruin the mood. You understand right Kelly? I'm sure you think about this stuff too. All girls think about marriage before- HEY NO COOKIES FOR YOU!
About 30 minutes later. Splashing sounds can be heard, and there's the unmistakable echo of a bathroom.
I am making a phone call, if you don't mind, sir. You really shouldn- I KNOW I LIKE THAT, BUT THE PHONE!
Okay. Kelly. What Marie really needs to do is- Well, I have an idea, but SOMEONE WON'T LET ME TALK TO MARIE ALONE AND LET IT BE A SURPRISE. No. NO. IT'S NOT A SECRET! Yes, yes, SO YOU KEEP SAYING! If you don't- I'm going to-
Splashing sounds followed by the clatter of the phone on the floor again, along with screams of 'DON'T GET IT WET!' and 'I'LL SHOW YOU EXACTLY HOW LONG I CAN HOLD MY BREATH WHEN I DO THIS!' before the click of time running out.
A couple hours later. Kilroy sounds decidedly relaxed.
Little known fact about Kilroy Benson. He wears his hat even when he is sharing intimate times with the ladies. What kind of hat you ask? Fedora. Usually. I am wearing one right now, anyway. And my lady likes it.
Ok down to business now that we are all dressed. Are you dressed, Kelly? I'd feel really uncomfortable if you were undressed listening to this. Really uncomfortable. Wouldn't you May? Yeah. We're not into that. Although May here was voted one of the most Beautiful people. Did you hear about that? Pretty amazing right? NO I DIDN'T SAY SURPRISING I SAID AMAZING.
LIKE I SAID BEFORE. I get to know everything about the dress. I SHOULD BE THERE WHEN SHE GETS FITTED.
That is where Mister Benson is incorrect, Kelly. He will NOT be there when I get fitted. My Master of Honor will be th- THAT IS TOTALLY NOT WHAT I SAID!
And for the record. Get your boyfriend-fiancee-husband-whatevertypethingyoumighthave a fedora. It's amazingly hot.
So, yes for the hat, no for him being there for the fitting.
Comments 59
Kelly! Kelly darling, you need some tea. Perhaps of the lavender variety. We're going to send you some tea- TELL MARIE THAT MONDAY IS PERFECT. LOVELY EVEN. TELL HER THANK YOU IN ADVANCE. Tell her I'll have a pass waiting for her at the front desk at NBC. Tell her to come straight to my office and watch out for ravenous interns. THEY ARE RAVENOUS I TELL YOU.
Click!
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Tea! Kelly! Tea! Tea and toast! And must- YES SHE NEEDS MUSTARD! NO! IT IS NOT CRAZY! WILL YOU STOP HASSLING ME ABOUT IT? YOU WON'T EVEN TR- Since when are we late for anyth- IT IS SUNDAY!
The sound of giggles and perhaps a skee-ball or pin-ball machine in the background.
Oh, right, the phone is still- KELLY! Monday! Make sure Marie doesn't wear red. That sets the interns right off. Huh? Are you sure? No, I thought that was interns. IT'S ON WIKIPEDIA! YES IT IS!
Right. Monday. Marie. No red. Would she like some toast? Maybe a sandwich to be waiting for her?
Click!
Reply
NO. I SAID. I SAID YOU DIDN'T! No- GOD DAMN IT MAY GET THAT MUSTARD AWAY FROM ME OR SO HELP ME GOD-
Hi, oh. Hi, Kelly. Just letting you know that even though May is not ok with red I believe that something like PINK OR LAVENDER would be appropriate. NO NO NOT LIKE THE COLOR OF THE TEA BUT THE COLOR OF TH- MAY! MAY FOR CHRISTSSAKE.
Ahem. Like I was saying. Lavender or pink, perhaps. It's an 80's style wedding but no puffy shoulder things. My mom used to wear those and it'll look a little strange. YES I TOLD HER NO SHOULDER PAD-
Click!
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Kelly. KELLYKELLYKELLY! Wha- No! I didn't say 'Kilroy!' Kelly! YES I AM CALLING HER BACK! Why ar- I WILL USE THE MUSTARD, I SWEAR TO XENU!
A sound of a scuffle against the phone, and helpless screaming giggles. Then May comes back a little out of breath.
No tea colors. Purple. Like my ring. And wh- I KNOW YOU DIDN'T TELL HER, I WAS RIGHT HERE WHEN YOU WERE ON THE PHONE! No- NONONONONO! You're not supposed to see me in any dress anyway! SO I HAVE TO TALK TO MARIE ABOUT IT IN PRIVATE!
What is that supposed to mean? Oh, I'll SHOW YOU A RASPBERRY!
Click!
Reply
I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS. I AM NAKED TOO. WE ARE THE SAME AMOUNT OF NAKED. AND YOU WANT ME TO GO MAKE TEA? NO. THIS IS WHY WE SHOULD GET A BUTLER. NO NOT BUTT- NOT OH MY GOD I'M SO GOING TO MAKE YOU PAY FOR THAT.
GET OFF MY BED. GET OFF. IT'S MY BED. SO. THAT MEANS IF I SAY GET OFF I MEAN- STOP KICKING THE SHEETS! THEY ARE MADE OF SILK. SILK SHEETS BABY.
Hi Kelly? Yeah. MAYBE SHE WON'T GET A DRESS. MAYBE SHE'S JUST HAPPY BEING NAKED ALL THE TIME. I DON'T CARE. NO. I DON'T- [laughing] I SAID I DON'T CARE.
Reply
You heard that, right Kelly? KILROY BENSON WANTS HIS FIANCEE TO GO AROUND NAKED ALL THE TIME! And, he totally isn't the same amount of naked as I am, since he's still wearing the hat. YES IT DOES COUNT! I'M NOT WEARI-
OH YEAH? I'LL JUST GO SLEEP ON THE COUCH! FOREVER! AND YOU WON'T BE ALLOWED, BECAUSE GUESS WHAT? THAT'S MY COUCH! Kelly- STOP INTERRUPTING MY PHONE CALLS! Okay. Kelly. When Marie asks abo- IF YOU KEEP TRYING TO YANK ME OFF THE BED YOU'RE GOING TO BREAK IT! What? Nooooooooooo! Just TEA!
NO! NOT ANYMORE! THAT THING IS TOTALLY BANNED NOW! Just for that, I'm showing up to work tomorrow naked. I'm sure the interns will love that. Don't you think so, Kelly? Kelly? CALL ME BACK AND LET ME KNOW WHAT SORT OF ACCESSORIES I SHOULD WEAR WITH NAKED!
Click!
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Kelly, could you please tell May that I am now in my robe AND shorts that SHE gave me so she can stop- OH MY GOD YOU ARE SUCH A VULGAR WOMAN. NO. NO I DON'T MIND BUT- I SWEAR TO GO IF YOU DO THAT AT THE OFFICE I WILL FIRE YOU. FIRE. IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT? FIRING? I WILL FIRE YOU SO HARD BABY YOU WON'T KNOW WHAT HIT YOU.
Ok. Kelly. I was being sarcastic. May needs to be wearing a dress at least until I have her alone in our limo. Even then, it would be kind of hot to make out in the limo with the dress on. OH AND I'M WEARING A TOP HAT SO MAYBE MARIE SHOULD KEEP THAT IN-
Click from time running out
Reply
Kelly. Kilroy doesn't seem to understand that the only reason I let him get dressed was to make me some tea. Could you please relay that message to him when you call him back? I'm just trying to mind my own business and relax on my day off, and he is keeping all that tea from me. It's like he wants me to suffer, needlessly and horribly.
FOR THE LOVE OF XENU, KILROY! WOULD YOU LET ME JUST- DO YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GOING TO LET YOU DO TO ME AT WORK? I'M GOING TO WAIT FOR THE COSTUMERS TO GET THERE, AND I'M GOING TO HAVE THEM TAK- [The sounds of a dropping phone and a muffled voice of May continuing with words like 'Wig', 'Paddle', 'Knots' and 'Until you scream' able to be made out before she picks the phone back up]
And, inform Marie that the dress will need to be limo make out compliant. He's not getting away with that suggestion!
Click!
Reply
Get your hands off me. How- how am I supposed to? Ok fine you want hot water on you? While I am trying to make you tea you are trying to make me spill hot water all over the place?
What? What? [Muffled voices as Kilroy puts his hand over the phone but the words "bath" and "that sounds nice" can be heard.]
Yeah, I mean a long train or whatever is good because it feels like you have to on an exploration, but it can't get caught in places that will ruin the mood. You understand right Kelly? I'm sure you think about this stuff too. All girls think about marriage before- HEY NO COOKIES FOR YOU!
Click.
Reply
I am making a phone call, if you don't mind, sir. You really shouldn- I KNOW I LIKE THAT, BUT THE PHONE!
Okay. Kelly. What Marie really needs to do is- Well, I have an idea, but SOMEONE WON'T LET ME TALK TO MARIE ALONE AND LET IT BE A SURPRISE. No. NO. IT'S NOT A SECRET! Yes, yes, SO YOU KEEP SAYING! If you don't- I'm going to-
Splashing sounds followed by the clatter of the phone on the floor again, along with screams of 'DON'T GET IT WET!' and 'I'LL SHOW YOU EXACTLY HOW LONG I CAN HOLD MY BREATH WHEN I DO THIS!' before the click of time running out.
Reply
Little known fact about Kilroy Benson. He wears his hat even when he is sharing intimate times with the ladies. What kind of hat you ask? Fedora. Usually. I am wearing one right now, anyway. And my lady likes it.
Ok down to business now that we are all dressed. Are you dressed, Kelly? I'd feel really uncomfortable if you were undressed listening to this. Really uncomfortable. Wouldn't you May? Yeah. We're not into that. Although May here was voted one of the most Beautiful people. Did you hear about that? Pretty amazing right? NO I DIDN'T SAY SURPRISING I SAID AMAZING.
LIKE I SAID BEFORE. I get to know everything about the dress. I SHOULD BE THERE WHEN SHE GETS FITTED.
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That is where Mister Benson is incorrect, Kelly. He will NOT be there when I get fitted. My Master of Honor will be th- THAT IS TOTALLY NOT WHAT I SAID!
And for the record. Get your boyfriend-fiancee-husband-whatevertypethingyoumighthave a fedora. It's amazingly hot.
So, yes for the hat, no for him being there for the fitting.
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