Badger's Guide to Depression, Part 2
(there was some trouble with numbering and spacing in yesterday's entry, so I'ma try bullet points instead)
OK, you've established that you think a friend of yours is having problems with depression. You love your friend and you want to help, but you feel hamstrung. What if you say the wrong thing? What if your friend doesn't want help? What if it's something else entirely? So you sit there agonizing over what to do, and ultimately you don't do anything.
A lot of people say to me, “I knew something was wrong, but I didn't know how to talk to you about it. I have been worried about you.” And as well-intentioned as those people are, I have to tell them that they're not helping me very much by letting me know after a depressive episode has passed that they were over there passively hoping I felt better soon. And by 'not helping me very much' I mean 'not helping at all.'
If you really want to help, there's a secret you should know. No matter how hard it is when you feel like you're fumbling around and saying stupid things and just pissing your friend off even more, the fact that you were THERE is what will be remembered, not whether you said the right thing or not.
Lastly, and this is too important for a bullet point: If you genuinely believe someone is actively suicidal, do not dick around. Get HELP. Call a suicide hotline, call a therapy center, call 911 if you have to, but get someone who is not an amateur to deal with the situation, because you are in over your head and someone could get seriously hurt or dead.
The most simple, concise advice I can give people who don't know what to do when confronted by someone else's depression is this: If you really care about someone, say so. If you want someone around, seek out that person's company. If you believe that someone you love is having trouble with depression, what they need to hear from you is clearly stated, “I love you, I care about you, I want you in my life,” and if all you can manage to do is pick up the phone, dial it, and say those things, then you've done more than you may ever know.
And the funny thing is, if you say those things to someone who's not depressed, it turns out they usually make them feel better too, so it's kind of hard to go wrong in seeking out someone you care about and letting them know.
I love you all.
OK, you've established that you think a friend of yours is having problems with depression. You love your friend and you want to help, but you feel hamstrung. What if you say the wrong thing? What if your friend doesn't want help? What if it's something else entirely? So you sit there agonizing over what to do, and ultimately you don't do anything.
A lot of people say to me, “I knew something was wrong, but I didn't know how to talk to you about it. I have been worried about you.” And as well-intentioned as those people are, I have to tell them that they're not helping me very much by letting me know after a depressive episode has passed that they were over there passively hoping I felt better soon. And by 'not helping me very much' I mean 'not helping at all.'
If you really want to help, there's a secret you should know. No matter how hard it is when you feel like you're fumbling around and saying stupid things and just pissing your friend off even more, the fact that you were THERE is what will be remembered, not whether you said the right thing or not.
- Call. No, seriously. Call. The next time you think to yourself, “I haven't heard from so-and-so in a while, and I should call and see what's up,” actually dial the phone and talk. You may well get voicemail; when someone's fully into a depressive episode answering the phone can be too daunting. The thing is, IM and e-mail are nice, and if you don't have someone's phone number they're very useful for letting a person know, “I love you and I'm thinking about you,” but if you're really worried that someone's not doing OK, you need to hear the voice and ask the questions. And it's likely that the person needs to hear your voice and answer them.
- If someone says, “I'm having trouble,” do not say, “Call me if you need me.” We won't. That is, in fact, the single least helpful thing people say when they're trying to help. For me, once it gets so bad that I do need help, I am convinced that you only say “Call me if you need me” out of obligation, and you don't really want to hear from me. And no matter HOW MANY times you say to me, “No, I mean it, call me,” it is unlikely that I will ever believe you. That's why #1 is 'Call'. This is the hardest one to tell a friend, because the rational mind is perfectly aware that you do, in fact, mean it and I know that what I'm saying here is “I don't trust you to tell me that I can depend on you.” But the rational brain is not driving, and wanting to help a friend who is struggling with depression means understanding that you will have to reach out, not wait for them to reach out to you.
- Issue invitations to events. This goes with #1 and #2. Saying, “You're welcome to come over any time,” is only marginally more useful than saying, “Call me if you need me.” Invite someone to dinner. Ask them to come over and watch a movie. Call them and say, “We are all here having coffee and we wish you were here, so you should come.” It's harder to dismiss “Come to lunch with me,” as a platitude of obligation.
- If you're really worried, drop by. It's a lot harder to ignore a knock at the door when you know someone sees your car in the parking lot than it is to hit 'ignore' on a phone ringer. Say, “I am going for food and you are going with me,” or “I am going for a walk and you are coming with me,” or “I have brought you some coffee, let's sit and talk.”
- Accept that you will not be able to cheer up your friend, and please, for the love of all that's holy, stop trying. Forced gaiety, funny stories, cute pictures of fluffy kittens, it's not going to work, and ultimately you'll get frustrated that your friend is so obstinately unhappy and your friend will get frustrated that you just don't understand: if fluffy kitten pictures could resolve depression, there'd be no Emo Kids on the Internet.
- Listen, but be prepared to sit and listen to silence, or to things that seem unrelated to the depression to you. It can be really hard to pinpoint the cause of a depressive episode, and even harder to address that topic with a friend, but it does really make it better, usually, to know that someone cares enough to just sit with you and be there.
- Distract, which is different from 'cheer up'. Take your friend to a movie you think they'll like. Myself, I find depression responds best to explosions and cheesy one-liners; other friends find comfort in classic film, chick flicks, or gorefests. Know your friend or let them pick the movie. Talk about a book you're reading, engage your friend in a philosophical discussion, share some choice gossip about a mutual acquaintance. Do the things with your friend that are the reasons that person is your friend in the first place. It reminds us that we have something to offer.
- Accept that your friend's social graces are off-kilter. It's likely that they may not respond very well, may be in a bad mood and say things they don't mean. Hold them accountable for those things, but try to remember that you're dealing with someone in a self-destructive and self-defeating state of mind. If you let them know that something was a hurtful statement and it upset you, and if you get an apology or an “I didn't mean that,” then be as gracious as you can in accepting it and moving on with the conversation. It's also possible that someone will say something truly hateful and hurtful and not apologise; at that point all you can really do is let them know, “Hey, that really fucking hurt,” and wait for them to get to a headspace where they can say, “Yeah, that was a pretty dick thing to say to you and it's not true.”
- Suggest counseling. Once. Anyone breathing in this country knows that there are a wide variety of counseling options available, and if you've said, “I know some good counselors. Would you like their information?” then your friend knows where to go for that information if they want to use it. No amount of reminding someone, “I think you're too badly broken to be fixed without professional help,” is going to make them feel much better. Do not under any circumstances extol the virtues of antidepressants unless you're a licensed medical practitioner advising a patient.
- This is a really hard one for some people (especially the guys), but don't offer practical solutions unless they're directly solicited for specific problems. It's even more frustrating than being depressed to have someone who doesn't fully understand your situation (albeit because you've probably not explained it very well...) come in and hand down a proclamation on how easy it is to know how to fix all your problems when you're not you. Nothing reinforces “you're stupid and worthless” quite like, “What do you mean you don't know what to do? It's so goddamned obvious even you should be able to figure it out!” (yeah, I totally know that's not what you'd say. It's what I'd hear anyway) So if you really can clearly see the solution to some problem your friend is having, and you can't find a way to ask intelligent leading questions to get there, then don't say anything unless you are directly asked, "What do you think I should do?"
Lastly, and this is too important for a bullet point: If you genuinely believe someone is actively suicidal, do not dick around. Get HELP. Call a suicide hotline, call a therapy center, call 911 if you have to, but get someone who is not an amateur to deal with the situation, because you are in over your head and someone could get seriously hurt or dead.
The most simple, concise advice I can give people who don't know what to do when confronted by someone else's depression is this: If you really care about someone, say so. If you want someone around, seek out that person's company. If you believe that someone you love is having trouble with depression, what they need to hear from you is clearly stated, “I love you, I care about you, I want you in my life,” and if all you can manage to do is pick up the phone, dial it, and say those things, then you've done more than you may ever know.
And the funny thing is, if you say those things to someone who's not depressed, it turns out they usually make them feel better too, so it's kind of hard to go wrong in seeking out someone you care about and letting them know.
I love you all.