moods that take me and erase me

[faeriemaiden]

Why hello there, internet. Did I fall into a wormhole while marathoning Fringe? I could have sworn that it hadn't been nearly so long since I'd posted.

I'm very up and down lately, which may be part of the problem; I've been fighting off what might be classified as miniature panic attacks (I'm hesitant to call them that, because... they're little,

Comments

[vega_ofthe_lyre]

*hug* I hope it gets better for you, hon. Keep on trucking; and I know it's hard to do when all you are doing is trucking and it feels like you're never going to arrive anywhere ever, but you will. I have faith in you.

And I'm so glad you're caught up on Fringe, and I'm so glad you love it as much as I do! It makes my heart want to explode from my chest with insane glee and overwhelming love, so.

[faeriemaiden]

:*

UM ALSO I DO NOT THINK IT IS APPROPRIATE TO SPEAK OF ONE'S LOVE FOR FRINGE WITH A METAPHOR INVOLVING EXPLODING BODY PARTS. I HAVE SEEN TOO MANY OF THOSE, OKAY. (I'm not so bad with straight-up blood and violence, it's the body parasites and anything involving close-ups of twitchy little things that horrifies me. Also the exploding midget in the subway DNW D:)

[vega_ofthe_lyre]

Oh, the bugs, the worms, the slugs - I can deal with pretty much anything except for that. FRINGE, YOU ARE AMAZINGly disgusting and ridic but that is why I love you ♥

[goddessreason]

I know what you mean about the panic attacks. Sometimes I wonder about myself. I'm sorry to hear you're so down, but perhaps seeing a play would cheer you up? My family is going tonight, and it's at 7, tickets costing only $3 and/or nonperishable food items.

Gah, I think I just used your journal as a bilboard xP

[theidolhands]

I completely agree about that show, it's the best thing to happen to science fiction in a while.

It's comforting to know that others have stalled issues in their lives such as the many you stated. You're not alone. Sometimes it helps to just take things one at a time and reassure yourself, even if you don't really believe it. Or eat good food. That helps too.

Finding money always feels like a good omen, someone up there likes you. Keep taking deep breathes and maybe meditate sometimes -- that's good for complicated brains.

[tempestsarekind]

*hugs*

I don't have anything particularly helpful to say, except that I'm not convinced that all the things that look easy from the outside, for other people, are actually easy for everyone. Maybe it's just because it took my muttering this A LOT to get myself through many, many college/social experiences, but I always think of a bit from a song by Dar Williams, "What Do You Hear in These Sounds":

And I wake up and I ask myself what state I'm in
And I say well I'm lucky, 'cause I am like East Berlin
I had this wall and what I knew of the free world
Was that I could see their fireworks
And I could hear their radio
And I thought that if we met, I would only start confessing
And they'd know that I was scared
They'd would know that I was guessing
But the wall came down and there they stood before me
With their stumbling and their mumbling
And their calling out just like me...

I think, or try to think, that life is like that more than it isn't--because for me the worst bit is always feeling like everyone else just knows how to do things

[faeriemaiden]

Yeah, I think that is the worst part -- sitting up at night and trying to figure out which lesson you somehow missed or walked in on halfway through -- my brain being a wacky biproduct of homeschooling and more genetic psychological oddities is already predisposed not to understand things in the same way other people automatically would, so what if I missed something important?

I also feel like I'm figuring out a lot of things about how I work and how to relate to people and control my own emotions and confidence that I should have learnt at seventeen or so, but then I've always been a slow learner with the large things.

But yes. It feels better if the world is just messy and complicated, rather than something everybody else got a map for at the door that day when I was late -- that my confusion means that I am broken. I'm okay. I'm okay.

♥

[tempestsarekind]

Well, I think you're more than okay--you're you, and that's brilliant.

But learning about who you are, and how that self engages with others--that is a slow process, I think. Maybe for a few people, that stuff is uncomplicated--and then those people get all the attention, because they're extroverts, they take up space and are just so vividly there sometimes that it's hard to notice or remember that there are lots of us who process things slowly and have to go at our own pace.

And then, a lot of people are better at pretending, or we see just the outer bits. My best friend is one of those: she has lots of anxieties and worries and fears--some of the same ones I have--but for a long time I thought everything was sunny and simple and straightforward for her, even though we've been friends for ages.

[burningstarsxe]

::hugs muchly::

Do try not to procrastinate in getting in touch with the advisor people at the college - in my experience, such people are usually really nice and do try to be helpful. You will be much happier if you get in touch with them and submit the application sooner than the day before the due date - the added stress of the impending date will only get worse as it gets closer. :-/

We need to get plans in motion for your coming down for All Hallow's Eve. Because that, my dear, will be splendid.

[faeriemaiden]

*cuddles* <333

alas, I have to procrastinate a little bit because we are going to stay in a yurt in the woods until Wednesday. BUT. That gives me some time to try to word it.

AND YES AND YES AND YES. Also I need to bite the bullet and order my vampire fangs. Who is most likely to drive me to Pittsburgh, is the question, I suppose, or: who might be most easily coerced with the careful application of fresh baked goods? BECAUSE I WANT TO SEE YOU AND I MISS YOU AND I WANT TO WREAK HAVOC ON ALL OF PITTSBURGH

though poor you, you will have to be with me when the NaNoWriMo gates open and I start yelling at people about turning into cats at inappropriate moments.