Eternal Contemplations (11/?)
Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter Seven, Chapter Eight, Chapter Nine, Chapter Ten
Chapter 1-3 mini picspam
Chapter Eleven
Life has been good lately, which could only mean that it was about to go downhill from here on out. What goes up must come down. It’s the law of physics (and life). Blair is often pragmatic that way. And yet, she can’t help herself but wake up in the morning, look out the window to the beautiful autumn Virginian scenery and smile. Everything has been so perfect that she doesn’t even mind the muddy treks through the forest at night and the total lack of Tiffany’s or Bergdorf’s in Mystic Falls.
There’s no mean girls here, no fighting over spots on the Met steps, no Gossip Girl. She never thought she would find such happiness in a middle-of-nowhere town like this, but there it was. A feeling of contentment that had never before lasted so long fills her chest. She’s walking on sunshine and nothing will bring her down.
Like most heroes in a tragedy, she ignores her better judgment and looks forward to another day.
xxx
Serena and Blair have been nearly inseparable. It’s reminiscent of their childhood days when they had alternated living in each other’s rooms every other week. You’d think they’d run out of things to say to each other by now, but they don’t.
Today the conversation is about purple nail polishes and what would they do if aliens suddenly invaded Earth. Blair is practical. She thinks the color purple only belong on guys in dinosaur costumes (just French manicures for her please). As for the alien invasion, she recites Darwin’s law of survival of the fittest. Serena is more fanciful. She thinks purple is a nice romantic color and that they should try and befriend the aliens, so long as they aren’t gross looking. It goes without saying that there is much giggling involved.
Nate and Chuck are having breakfast at the table across the room, far enough to not be able to decipher the girly chatter, but close enough for the sound to reach them.
“You need to stop,” Chuck states without looking up from his newspaper.
“Stop what?” Nate feigns ignorance.
“Those lovesick puppy dog eyes of yours. This is not going to end well.”
Nate continues to watch Serena and Blair over by the kitchen island, laughing about something or other.
“You don’t know what you’re talking about man.”
“I know that it’s not going to go anywhere. You’re wasting your time. I’m telling you, it’s never going to work out.”
Nate just back out of the room with a careless shrug and a brash smile.
“Don’t worry about it.”
Famous last words.
xxx
Bonnie had delivered her promise in the form of a small pouch filled with some miscellaneous occult things like eye of newt and a dead man’s toe. At least that’s what Damon thinks. She tells him he just needs to slip the little charm into Nate’s pocket and say a short incantation to activate and it should work. The spell was made specifically for Nathaniel Archibald, so it won’t work with anyone else, and it would wear off after twenty-four hours. Damon nods grimly and takes his ill-intentioned charm from the witch. He’ll be rid of Serena and her bunch soon enough.
“I hope you know what you are doing,” Bonnie warns.
“I do,” Damon replies cockily.
Despite his casual response, it does dawn on Damon that as much as Blair deserves the truth, she won’t necessarily like it.
“It’ll be okay,” he assures Bonnie. The witch thinks the assurance is more for his benefit than hers.
Slipping the little charm into Nathaniel’s pocket is almost too easy. A simple bump in the hallway as the blonde was heading out of the kitchen, plus a little agility and slyness on his part and the task was done.
“Oh, sorry dude. Didn’t see you there,” Nate apologizes, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly.
Dude, really? What is he? A Californian surfer? Seriously? Needless to say Damon won’t be missing the asinine pretty boy.
“No worries, dude,” Damon mocks.
Too bad the insult went right over Nate’s head. The poor guy just looks back at him with a silly confused smile. Damon sighs. It’s no fun mocking Nate when he doesn’t even understand that he’s being mocked.
“Is Blair in the kitchen?” He needs to find someone of higher intelligence to play with.
“Yeah. Go on in.”
Blair sees him entering and brightens up, momentarily removing herself from Serena. The blonde’s face immediately falls as the brunette takes her leave. Away from Blair’s view, Serena sends threatening glares at the elder Salvatore brother. He smiles back knowing full well that by this time tomorrow Serena wouldn’t be around to glare at him anymore.
“Hey! Where were you this morning?” Blair asks.
She looks radiant today. Happier than he’s ever seen her and this only serves to make him feel guilty.
“I just went out to get my own… breakfast. You know I have a strict kosher diet.”
Blair smiles indulgently at his bad taste in jokes.
“It’s a nice day today. I was thinking we could all go out?”
“Anything you want,” he replies easily.
Chuck sighs and puts down his newspaper. He can’t concentrate at all today with all these distractions and quickly excuses himself to “go hurl.” Damon doesn’t miss him.
“What’s wrong with you? You’re a little too nice today,” she asks suspiciously. “Was your breakfast that good this morning?”
“Nobody that could ever compare to you,” he replies flirtatiously, placing a kiss on the back of her hand.
“Don’t be so conniving this early in the morning, Salvatore. I haven’t had nearly enough coffee to even imagine what you’re up to.”
He chuckles and lets her hand drop.
“I was thinking of maybe a picnic? By the meadows near the east side of the forest? Serena and I passed it the other day and she thought it looked like a nice place to have one.”
Damon’s eye twitch at the mention of Serena (the last thing he wants to do is cater to her whims), but he maintains his smile nevertheless.
“Sure.”
“Alright. I guess we’ll leave around one? I’m going to go with Serena into town first to find something nice to wear, although I doubt we’d find anything. This town is sorely lacking in the fashion department.”
As if she doesn’t already have a million and one dresses.
xxx
Two hours at the Mystic Falls Mall and not a single shopping bag to put between them. Such a travesty would usually result in a petulant, irritated Blair, but today nothing seems to be able to dampen her mood. Blair leaves to freshen up in the bathroom while Serena goes back to her guestroom.
She finds Nate pacing about when she opens the door.
“Nate, what are you doing here?”
“I need to talk to you.”
Nate had tried to bring up the subject of a certain wedding several times before and Serena had always managed to sidestep him. He had just about give up and resign himself to watching from afar, but ever since this morning there had been an urge to tell Serena exactly how he felt. Serena, however, was having none of it.
“I can’t do this right now, Nate,” she sighs, rubbing her face with the palms of her hands.
But Nate doesn’t seem to be able to take the hint. He’s convinced that he must tell her, today, that he loves her.
“Serena, I know you don’t care what I mean to say. But, I have to tell you.”
“Nate…” Serena whines. She just doesn’t want to deal with besotted Nathaniel right now. He could very well destroy all of her efforts to reconcile with Blair.
“I love you, Serena.”
He said it. She doesn’t look at all surprised and merely shakes her head sadly at him.
“I love you and I’ve thought about it for a really long time now. That day at the Sheperd’s wedding was the best day of my life.”
“We were drunk, Nate. I’m sorry.”
“We were, but I’ve realized now that it’s you I’m in love with. I didn’t mean to hurt Blair and I care about her-”
“If you care about her then you’ll stop all this!”
“I can’t. You might not feel the same way about me as I do about you, but I’ve had enough of lying. I can’t pretend any longer.”
It dawns on Serena what Nate means to do. Annoyance is quickly replaced with panic.
“Don’t!” Serena begs.
Panic makes her heart beat rapidly and her hands shake. Fear makes her sweat and her pupils dilate. Quite frankly, she feels like she’s drowning.
“I have to. It’s not fair to her. I can’t handle lying to her everyday anymore.”
“You’ll ruin everything! Don’t you know what this will do to her?”
“It’s only going to hurt more if we continue to hide it. I have to tell Blair.”
“What do you have to tell me? What are you guys talking about?”
Blair chose this precise moment to walk in, a sweet smile on her lips, completely oblivious to what a turning point this moment in time was for their friendship.
“Nothing!” Serena quickly answers. “Nothing at all.”
The room goes silent and the two blondes’ eyes remain fixed on their brunette friend. She eyes them back suspiciously, a corner of her mouth quirked in amusement.
“You guys are strange today. I was just coming to tell you get ready. We’re going to leave in twenty. You remember right, S?”
“Y-yeah. Just a second.”
“Blair, before you go, I have something to say-” Nate starts, but Serena pulls on his arm.
“Nate, please! This is not a good idea. Think about what you’re doing!” Serena whispers.
Nate doesn’t listen to Serena’s pleading. It’s like the truth is just fighting to spill from his lips and he can’t stop himself.
“Blair, I’m sorry.”
“Why? What for?” Blair asks cattily with her eyebrows quirked.
Nate looks at her strangely and Serena is nearly hysterical. Her face falls somber at the sight. Something was wrong and she doesn’t really know if she wants to find out what.
“Blair… I’m so sorry,” Nate repeats.
Serena continues to whisper harshly to Nate, tugging on his arm, trying to get him to listen to her. It doesn’t work.
“What’s going on here?” Blair asks, alarmed.
Her previous euphoria quickly disappears as Serena begins to cry softly, still tugging on Nate’s shirt begging him not to destroy her friendship with the one person who has ever been there for her.
“Serena, what’s wrong?”
Blair’s never seen Serena get so distraught before and she wants to run to her friend, ask her what’s wrong, hold her in her arms and tell her everything is alright, but the way Nate is looking at her makes her hesitate. Something was seriously wrong here and she doesn’t know what, but she’s not going to like it.
“We didn’t mean to hurt you.”
She doesn’t like where this is going.
“Blair… at the Shepherd’s wedding… when you were with your mom talking to that buyer… Me and Serena, at the bar… we were really drunk and…”
Nate’s speech is stunted and jumbled at best, but Blair can make out the meaning. The Shepherd’s wedding. A bar. Nate and Serena. Alone.
She looks from Nate to Serena, shock written across her features as the pieces fall into place.
“Nate, don’t!” Serena cries out in between her sobs, even though she knows it’s too late to stop now.
“We didn’t mean to hurt you. Like I said, we were really drunk and one thing led to another-”
“Don’t say it…” Blair whispers. They don’t need to fill in the blanks, Blair can imagine what happened.
“I’m sorry, Blair.”
Nate is sorry. He doesn’t want to be the one that takes away Blair’s happiness. He doesn’t want to be the one to hurt her because there was a time when she was the one he was in love with. They have an extensive history together spanning over a majority of his life. She was his first love, his first kiss. The least he could do is not break her heart. He knows all this and yet, he can’t seem to stop himself from saying those devastating words that will hurt her, that will break her heart.
“I slept with Serena.”
Blair suddenly finds her world crashing down, shattering in such a way that no revelation of supernatural beings or magic could ever achieve.
It’s surprising how a few jumbled words put in a particular order could have such a capacity for destruction.
To think that mere minutes ago she was the happiest she had ever been. It’s the law of physics. What goes up must come down. She should’ve known, should expected it. Nothing good ever lasts. Blair Waldorf doesn’t ever get a Happily Ever After. She was naïve to think it could be otherwise.
“I’m so sorry, Blair. I’m so, so sorry,” Serena apologizes in between hiccups and tears. For once the golden goddess becomes fallible. She looks wretched and heart broken and a complete utter mess. But even so it’s a beautiful mess. She still manages to look pretty in spite of the mascara tear stains running down her cheeks.
Blair wants to scream that she doesn’t have the right to cry. That she is not the wronged one here, she’s not the victim and she is not allowed to cry. But Blair’s throat has dried up, her tongue disobeys her, and she finds herself effectively rendered mute.
Nate tries to soften the blow by repeating the same things over and over again. “It just happened. We didn’t plan on it. We didn’t mean to hurt you.” As if saying them again and again would make Blair understand. But the blow has been dealt and it’s a hurt so painful that she can’t seem to remember to breathe let alone listen to Nate’s half-assed excuses. To give the boy some credit, half-assed excuses are all he is capable of in this situation.
She feels numb inside. She was so stupid. How could she have missed the signs? It was silly of her to think she could have ever compared to Serena freaking Van der Woodsen. Couldn’t do it in elementary school and couldn’t do it now. She turns around to leave amidst their cries and tears and calls of “Blair, please! Please forgive us.”
She bumps into Chuck in the hallway.
“Blair…”
He looks sad, torn almost. He has probably heard the whole thing. It only adds to her humiliation. You’d think that as rich as the Salvatores were, they would have built better soundproof walls.
“Did… did you know about this?” she manages to croak out.
He hesitates.
“You did, didn’t you?” she accuses.
He takes a step forward to reach out to her, but she steps back, hand raised to push him away.
“Blair, I’m-”
“Don’t say you’re sorry! I don’t want to hear another fucking ‘I’m sorry’!” She screams at him.
If she was being logical she would realize that she’s venting her anger on the wrong person. Chuck was a bystander. It was Nate and Serena she should be screaming at, but she can’t bring herself to look at them.
“You knew. And you never said a word. For all that bullshit you said about us being friends,” she says the word “friends” as if it was toxic.
“We are friends! I didn’t know for sure, okay?! I didn’t! I only guessed it! Did you really think that you would’ve listened to me anyways if I had told you?”
“You could have at least tried! But you didn’t want to risk selling out your guy pal, Nate. You picked him over me, just like he picked Serena over me. Everyone is picked over me!”
“And if I was wrong?! Did you ever think about that? What then, huh?! You would’ve just hated me then, too. Face it. I’m going to become the bad guy no matter what!”
“Well you’re right about one thing,” she scoffs.
Angry tears rebelliously roll down her cheeks and she wipes away the traces with the back of her hand.
“I hate you.”
Chuck looks hurt, but at the moment she doesn’t care.
“I hate all of you,” she whispers, tears continue to disobediently make salty trails down her face even though she’s using all of her will power to stop them.
Blair Waldorf doesn’t cry prettily like Serena Van der Woodsen. She could feel her eyes puffing up and turning red already. Snot filling her nostrils, forcing her to breathe with heavy heaving sobs. If only her mother were here now, the humiliation would be complete.
Chuck tries to reach out again, but she pushes past him. She needs to escape.
“Blair!” Chuck calls out after her.
“Leave her alone. You’ve done enough damage,” a voice growls from around the corner.
Dark eyes meet blue eyes in the dim lighting of the hallway.
“Mind your own fucking business, Salvatore,’ Chuck spits out.
“You forget that you’re a guest in my house. That makes it my business.”
Chuck continues to glare at Damon as he leisurely walks over to a nearby shelf to pick up a book.
“She’s right, you know. You chose the wrong side, Bass. You should’ve picked her,” Damon states idly as he flips through random pages.
“I was trying to protect her. Serena had left. Nate’s little indiscretion could have been kept under wraps. If you know her at all, you know what Nate meant to her. She loves him. I wasn’t going to be the one to break her heart.”
Damon shuts the book with an angry snap.
“She doesn’t love him.”
“You don’t know anything about Blair,” Chuck sneers.
“More than you.”
“Back the fuck off, Salvatore, or I’ll -”
“Or you’ll what? Strangle me with your scarf?”
“Just stay away from her. Stay away from us,” Chuck hisses as he marches to the nearest exist and slams the door shut behind him.
xxx
Damon finds Blair sitting outside in the grass, barefoot aside from the lacey tights, hair blowing wildly in the wind. It’s not her usual preferred look and given other circumstances Damon wouldn’t laugh if anyone told him that Blair Waldorf was sitting outside in the dirt without shoes and getting grass stains on her white cashmere sweater dress.
The sunny weather had changed to overcast in mere minutes, almost like it mimicked her mood. He approaches her with trepidation.
“Leave me alone.”
She doesn’t even bother to grace him with a passing glance, and just continues to stare off into the forest.
“What happened to your shoes?”
“The heel broke, so I took them off.”
“I told you so,” he says with a smirk. “Jimmy Choos aren’t meant for long walks.”
“They were Manolos,” she corrects.
“Even worse.”
“Please, as if you can go a day without your designer t-shirts.”
Her barbs are half-hearted at best and don’t have their usual stinging wit.
“Remind me to tell Stefan he still owes me a new one.”*
He sits himself down next to her and she finally graces him with a glance. It’s oddly reminiscent of the first time they met. It was the same sad look, the same snipes and insults that try to hide exactly how miserable she really is. She hasn’t really ever changed from that lonely girl he met at the bar.
He had wanted to expose Serena and Nate for their crime, but he didn’t want her to get hurt, although he knew she would have. He had underestimated exactly how much those two meant to her and somewhere in his head he knows he’s at least partially responsible for that sad gaze. It makes his dead heart hang heavy in his chest. He might have not been the one that pulled the trigger, but he was the one that put the gun in Nate’s hands. He swears to himself that he’ll fix it all in the end. If anything, he’ll dedicate his immortal life to fix this mess of a girl up.
“If you’re here about the tomb, then forget about it. I’m not in the mood,” she replies flippantly, trying desperately to grasp what little dignity and normalcy she had left.
“It’s not about the tomb.”
“Fine, whatever it is-“
“I don’t want anything.”
“Liar.”
The word came out harsher than she meant it to and he visibly flinches.
“You’re just like them. If I weren’t an ‘Immune’ or whatever… if you never thought I was a witch in the beginning you never would have approached me.”
“I didn’t know you were a witch when we first met.”
“Well, I was supposed to be your dinner then,” she baits.
“Well…” he trailed off. She got him there.
“See?” She says with a fake smile laced with poison. “You’re all the same. Everyone has ulterior motives.”
“Do you want to back out?”
“What? So you can kill me?” she scoffs. “Maybe that’s not such a bad idea. Not much left for me anyways. Not like I’ll be missed.”
“I’d miss you.” Her last statement makes him angry and so his answer comes out severe.
“I don’t believe you,” she states, looking away once more.
It makes him angrier that she refuses to look at him in the eyes, so he takes her face into his hands and forces her to look at him.
“Believe it. You might die someday, but it’s not going to be because of me.”
“And why not?” she retorts heatedly back, almost like she’s trying to goad him into a fight.
It’s the same question she asked when she first discovered his little bloody secret. She was right the first time around. He needed her to open the tomb. The reason is still valid, so it’s shocking to Damon himself what hey says next.
“Because I care about you.” Because deep down inside, he can’t imagine a world without her anymore and maybe he should just acknowledge it. “I’m on your side. Nate, Serena, they can pick and choose whoever they want. It doesn’t matter. I choose you, Blair Waldorf.”
She wants to tell him off for eavesdropping on her conversations again, but she doesn’t have the energy to bring herself to do it. Plus, it’s nice to hear that someone picked her for once, even if she doesn’t entirely believe it.
He brushes away those angry tears of hers with his thumbs because she refuses to unclench her fists. “No strings, Blair. If it’s getting too much for you… just say so. I’ll take you home.”
She just keeps staring at him with those large doe eyes of hers, red rimmed and glossy.
“If I could, I’d take away your pain. But I can’t. So this is what I’m offering.”
If she wants out, he’ll give her out. She just needs to say the word. It doesn’t matter how much he has already invested in this. He’ll find another way.
“I…I don’t want to go home,” she whispers finally. “At all.”**
“Then stay here, with me.”
In that moment, she decides that’s exactly what she wants to do.
xxx
Blair returns to the mansion to find Serena waiting for her, luggage all packed and ready to go waiting besides her.
“You’re not welcomed here anymore,” Damon threatens.
“I want to talk to Blair.”
“Well she doesn’t want to talk to you.”
“Are you speaking for her now?”
“You little-”
“Damon, it’s ok. I got this.”
He looks back at her hoping that she’ll change her mind.
“Just go,” she urges.
He leaves, but reluctantly. Serena watches him go with trepidation. Once he has round the corner, she quickly turns her attention back at Blair.
“You’re not gone yet?” Blair asks coldly, her voice so icy Serena could almost feel frostbite from them.
“I’m going, but I…I had to talk to you.”
“I don’t want to hear anything you have to say.”
“Blair, please… let me explain.”
“Explain what? Explain how you take everything from me? It wasn’t enough that you had to be the center of attention all the time, be liked by everybody, my mom, the girls on the steps, now you’re going to take Nate, too?”
“I didn’t care about Nate!”
“Is that supposed to make me feel better?” Blair replies sarcastically.
“It wasn’t about taking Nate! I don’t want him!”
“No, you just want whatever you can’t have!”
“You’re right. What…no… who I want… is somebody I can’t have.”
Blair shakes her head at the other girl in disbelief. She couldn’t believe Serena had the nerve to even try speaking to her. The betrayal was too much. Blair prepares to walk away, but Serena grabs her hand and yanks her back.
“I love you, Blair.”
“No, you love yourself.”
“That’s not it!”
The blonde struggles to make her meaning across, her brain scrambling for the right thing to say and not finding it. Blair doesn’t have the patience to hear it.
“I’m never going to forgive you for this. That’s all I have left to say to you,” Blair states coldly. “I see you already packed your bags, you can show yourself the way out.”
She slaps away Serena’s hand and gives the other girl a sneer before turning her back on her. Blair only makes it three steps before she halts to a stop.
“I…I… I’m in love with you,” Serena confesses.
Blair whips around.
“W-what?”
“It took me leaving to realize that. What happened with Nate, I was angry and jealous. He didn’t even appreciate you, when I loved you so much.”
Once Serena started, the words flowed out of her. All those years of just trying to catch Blair’s attention. The endless round of boys that she used to fill a void that couldn’t be filled.
“You were always there for me, B. They only one. I love you and everyday I had to see you with him. Can’t you see? It should be you and me.”
She didn’t know when it was that she stopped loving her best friend as a best friend and something more, but she was so sure that in the end, she and Blair were bound together. Whether it by fate or by coincidence. It doesn’t matter. They were Serena and Blair.
So why is that they’re not together?
“Why isn’t it me?” Serena asks, heart broken.
Serena is in love with her. Serena Van der Woodsen, who all the boys love and who loves all the boys, is in love with her.
“Blair, please say something.”
She doesn’t know what to say, she’s just waiting for someone to pinch her and end this vivid dream she’s having.
On the other side of the room, Nate Archibald hears the entire thing.
* In The Vampire Diaries: Family Ties (#1.4), Stefan stabs Damon with a knife, thus ripping a hole in Damon’s John Varvatos t-shirt:
Damon Salvatore: [after Stefan stabbed him through the t-shirt] This is John Varvatos, dude. Dick move.
** Anyone watched the Iron Man 2 movie? I just love that scene between Tony and Pepper.