fic: Bend to Squares
Title: Bend to Squares
Author: fading_lines
Spoilers: Up to and including Sectionals
Rating: R
Pairings: Rachel/Quinn, Rachel/Santana
Summary: For this prompt at the glee_angst_meme "Rachel and Quinn end up having sex one night and it ruins everything."
A/N: I know I shouldn’t be doing this. I’m still working on the sequel to Dead End and I know I’ve pissed a few people off with the delay but I’ve seriously hit a brick wall with that fic. For some reason, it’s easier for me to write non-con then hurt/comfort, yeah...I’m messed up. Anyways, I was smacked in the face by this plot bunny and it’s not exactly what was requested but this kind of got away from me. I’m not exactly happy with this fic, it's not really well written and pretty damn rushed but I agreed to write it and post it up so here it is. Once again, unbeta’d so all mistakes belong to me
Sunday morning
Quinn woke up with the taste of vomit in her mouth and the painfully loud alarm clock assaulting her ears. She sat up groggily, leaning against the headboard and trying to remember anything from the previous night. As the blonde rubbed her eyes in an attempt to have a recollection of the events, she heard shuffling in the bed beside her.
“Please don’t be Puck, please don’t be Puck, please...”
As Quinn’s gaze dropped down, she was relieved to have her prayers answered when she saw a head of long, brown hair beside her. Quinn’s eyes widened at the realisation, there was a girl next to her. A smooth skinned, long haired girl.
Quinn was in panic mode. They didn’t...she wouldn’t...she wasn’t gay.
But the absence of panties and just the general lack of clothes told her otherwise. Whoever this anonymous girl was beside her, Quinn had gotten very familiar with her the night before. Quinn’s eyes were comically wide, she wasn’t gay, she couldn’t be, she was a good Christian girl not some lesbian.
“Oh God, oh God....” The blonde was shaking as she spotted all the marks this girl had left on her body before pushing the comforter down to see the marks decorating her upper and inner thighs.
“No, no, no, no.” Quinn was almost sobbing, her head hurt and she felt like throwing up but on top of all that, she picked up some random girl from a party and they fucked...more than once apparently with all the marks over her body and the scratches on the anonymous girls’ back.
She felt so skanky, so cheap and just so wrong. This wasn’t right, she wasn’t....
“Mmmmm...”
Quinn’s eyes snapped to the messy brown hair beside her, whoever this girl was, she just woke up and Quinn was dead set to find out who it was and chew them out for it. As the brunette turned over, the blonde’s mouth gaped open and her eyes snapped wide open.
“Rachel?!”
Quinn shrieked grabbing as much of the comforter she could to cover herself up, regardless of the fact that she knew that Rachel had seen that and more the previous night. As she pulled the comforter around her, the blonde was painfully aware that Rachel was getting more and more exposed; she concentrated on Rachel’s face and ignored the heat growing in her stomach. She wasn’t gay...
“Quinn...” Rachel rasped she wasn’t quite as used to waking up with a killer hangover as Quinn was and was still trying to adjust to her surroundings. For a few moments there was silence as Rachel tried to understand what was happening and Quinn went through the myriad of emotions she was feeling, the utmost of which was anger followed by regret and finally nausea.
“What happened last night, Rachel?” Quinn barely managed to choke through, trying with all her might not to explode with anger and keeping her voice as calm as she could. Rachel opened and closed her mouth a few times before her forehead creased in confusion.
“You don’t remember?”
The previous night
Quinn could barely hear Rachel talking.
Normally that would be a good thing, being spared one of Rachel long, tireless speeches. But now, the music blaring so loud it hurt her ears, the bass shaking the foundations of the house, the seemingly hundreds of people dancing and rubbing up against each other, the alcohol swimming through her body and the short, tight dress Rachel was wearing caused Quinn to lean forward and whisper something in her now best friends’ ear.
Rachel’s eyes widened as she blushed furiously, Quinn used this opportunity to grasp Rachel’s hand and drag her to the makeshift dance floor. Rachel stood there uncomfortably, eyeing Quinn from head to toe for the umpteenth time. Quinn smirked and leaned in close to Rachel, so close that the blonde could feel the heat radiating of the glee diva’s body. She suppressed a moan as Rachel shuddered before whispering in her ear again, causing the brunette to flush under the dark lights of the house.
Before Rachel could ask Quinn anything, the blonde turned around and began grinding her ass into Rachel’s crotch. The brunette suppressed a moan; she’s had many dreams like this. Dreams that she would shamefully recreate for release when she was frustrated or when Quinn was indirectly teasing her.
Quinn, not satisfied with the brunette’s lack of movement, grabbed the brunette’s hips and rolled them in sync with her own. After a while, Rachel regained enough composure to be able to move on her own without having her legs collapse underneath her.
Things had escalated from there soon after. Quinn insisted that Rachel take a few shots with her, which led to Rachel taking a few sips from Quinn’s cup of vodka, which led to them passing the bottle between each other in the backseat of Kurt’s car.
When they reached Rachel’s (and subsequently Quinn’s) house, they giggled all the way from the front porch to Rachel’s room, taking no care in how loud or careless they were as the Berry fathers were out for the weekend. When Rachel calmly stated that she was going to get changed into her pj’s and disappeared off into the bathroom, Quinn took a few more sips from the bottle, thinking about how wet Rachel made her whilst they were dancing. Quinn shook her head.
Quinn Fabray wasn’t gay.
She erupted into giggles at the rhyme before full out laughing at it. Rachel re-entered the room with a quizzical look on her face. She had been drinking and she did feel a bit buzzed but she was nowhere near as drunk as Quinn.
“Come on, Quinnie. Let’s get you into your pj’s and off to bed.”
Quinn pouted; she was comfortable in Rachel’s bed. She shook her head no and giggled again.
“If you want me to go to bed you’ll have to carry me.” Quinn said in a sing-song voice. Rachel; ever-determined and more than usually overconfident, straightened her pyjamas and marched onto her bedside.
Quinn was still giggling when Rachel slid her arms under her thighs and upper back. When the brunette actually managed to lift Quinn about 4 inches into the air, Quinn immediately stopped giggling and draped her arm over Rachel neck.
Rachel, struggling and mentally cursing herself for thinking she could actually do this took a step backwards and hoped she wouldn’t fall over. When she didn’t fall, the brunette took another- more confident- step forwards towards the door. It wasn’t that Quinn was heavy, on the contrary Quinn was actually pretty light but Rachel was a good four inches shorter then blonde and she preferred her elliptical over weight training any day.
When the brunette actually managed to take slow, steady steps into Quinn’s bedroom, she sneaked a look at the blonde in her arms only to have the breath knocked out of her throat when she saw the blonde looking back at her with darker, lust-filled eyes.
Rachel managed lay Quinn of her bed and resisted the urge to just lie on top of her. She cleared her throat, trying to get all the dirty thoughts out of her head but to no avail.
“W-well Quinn. G-good night.” Rachel stuttered. Damn it, when did she turn into Tina. She turned around, hoping to rush to her room and seek the release she’d been craving since grinding with Quinn but a hand on her wrist pulled her back.
“Stay.”
Quinn said and Rachel let out a breathy sigh. She didn’t know how long she could be in the same room as Quinn and not do anything Quinn would regret.
When Quinn saw the brunette turn around to leave, she managed to get a glimpse of the sleeping shorts that rode up the brunette’s thighs and the skin it had previously covered. She licked her lips at the sight and found her body to think before she did.
Quinn pulled Rachel onto the bed and systematically onto her, crushing Rachel’s lips with her own before turning them over so she was straddling Rachel’s thighs.
“Q-quinn. You’re drunk; I can’t take advantage of you.” Rachel said against every will in her body. She felt as if her hands were going to grow a mind of their own and slap herself for denying the one thing she had wanted for so, so long.
Quinn smiled, and leaned in so close to Rachel that their noses were touching. She whispered a drunken slur before attaching her lips to Rachel’s once again.
This time, Rachel didn’t refuse.
Sunday morning
“Oh, God. Oh God.”
“Quinn. Its fine, we just-”
“How can you do this to me, Rachel?!” Quinn all but shouted at the brunette as she stood up taking the sheet with her and scrunching it around her body. Rachel flinched at Quinn’s outburst and tried to speak in a calm voice so as to not aggravate the blonde further.
“Quinn. It was perfectly consen-”
“You’re supposed to be my best friend. How could you take advantage of me?”
Quinn was all out crying now. Rachel wanted to reach out and wipe the tears from blondes face but she didn’t think that was the smartest thing to do right now.
“Quinn. You are my best friend, you’re my only friend. Please, I love-”
The blonde cut her off again.
“I’m not gay, Rachel. I’m not some fucking lesbian like you.”
Rachel was getting angry. She wasn’t able to get a word in and it annoyed her immensely.
“Well then, how would you explain this, Quinn?” Rachel shouted to match Quinn. She pointed at the numerous hickeys on her throat and breasts. Quinn stood her mouth agape. This wasn’t real, this was some joke, this was...
“You...you took advantage of me.” Quinn stated, it was all she could come up with. Rachel scoffed and stood up, not really caring about her nakedness. She muttered a quick ‘yeah, right’ under her breath before Quinn caught her off-guard.
“You got me drunk and you took advantage of me! I know you have a crush on me, Rachel. I’ve known since middle school. I just didn’t know that you were a lesbian rapist.”
Rachel was shocked. Aside from the fact that Quinn knew about her crush, she couldn’t believe that Quinn would go so far to call her a rapist. If it wasn’t such a serious moment, Rachel would burst out laughing at how inane that sounded but she resisted.
Instead, Rachel marched over to Quinn who was standing over the other side of the bed, holding the sheets around her naked body.
“This” Rachel pointed between them two, “Happened. And I know for a fact that you liked it, in fact, it was you who initiat-”
SLAP.
Rachel was cut off mid-sentence with a swift slap across the cheek. Quinn stepped back, still processing what she just did.
Rachel’s hand went to her cheek where a red imprint of Quinn’s hand was already developing. She was utterly speechless; Quinn had never slapped her...
“I’m sorry.”
Is what Quinn meant to say. However the words that escaped her mouth were.
“It’s wrong, it’s immoral and I’m not gay.”
Rachel didn’t say anything to that. She just rubbed her cheek before looking up at Quinn allowing the blonde to see the tears streaming down her face before she turned and left the room. Quinn could hear a faint noise and Rachel quietly shut her room door.
Quinn allowed the sheet to drop and sat on the edge of her bed, dropping her head into her hands.
Across the hall Rachel did the same.
“What’s up with Berry?”
Quinn looked away from her locker to see Santana leaning against the one beside hers. She glanced to where Santana was staring to see Rachel shuffling down the halls with her head hanging low and her eyes red-rimmed and tear-stained.
“Why do you care?” Quinn said, slamming her locker shut and reminding herself that it was Rachel’s fault. Santana shrugged and followed Quinn as the blonde paced down the halls.
“You didn’t answer my question, Quinn!” Santana shouted from behind Quinn. For a girl who was pregnant less than 4 months ago, she could walk fast.
“You didn’t answer mine.” Quinn mumbled, trying to get Santana off the topic. Santana jogged the last few steps to catch up with Quinn and slammed the blonde into the closest locker. The students crowding that particular part of the hallway turned to look at the commotion but immediately turned away when they saw that it involved the two most terrifying Cheerios in school.
“If you hurt Rachel...” Santana hissed to Quinn as she stared daggers into the blonde. This look could make the jocks on the football team flee like little girls but it had little to no effect on one Quinn Fabray.
“Let go of me Santana or so help me God...” Quinn interrupted as she received and redelivered Santana a glower with twice the intensity and anger of the Latina’s.
Quinn tried to push the Latina off but Santana had a firm hold on Quinn’s shoulder. Santana sent another scowl to Quinn before adding.
“If I find out that you hurt Rachel, I will make you pay for it. Do you understand Quinn? She’s not your emotional punching bag anymore.”
“So what? You like her now? Well good for you, you can find another Brittany substitute and she can stop going all lesbo on me.” Quinn sneered.
Rachel picked that moment to appear in the crowd that was forming around them. She took one look at Quinn being pushed against the lockers by Santana-who looked like she was going to punch Quinn in the face- before running off. Santana, sensing that now was the time to break this up before Figgins materialised, sighed and pushed off Quinn, sending her into the lockers again before whispering.
“Whatever you did...Fix it now or else.”
And with that, Santana and the crowd disappeared; leaving Quinn on her own to ponder what she had done to Rachel. The blonde thought of how miserable Rachel looked without her, and how miserable Quinn felt without her; Hell, she was already reverting back to her head cheerio bitchiness.
Quinn spent the rest of the day thinking about the developments made in the last 48 hours. She thought of Santana’s threat; ‘fix it now or else’. She thought of how quietly Rachel spoke in class and how she barely held the same level of emotion she usually did in Glee. She thought of Rachel’s tiny voice saying ‘You’re my only friend, Quinn. I love y-”
But Rachel’s voice was drowned out by a louder, coarser voice that sounded discernibly like her father; ‘It’s wrong, it’s immoral. People shouldn’t be gay.’
And Quinn chooses to believe that voice every time because even if it doesn’t feel right, it’s easier to deny and lie then admit and tell the truth.
One week later
Things had not developed since the Monday at school. Rachel still sent sad, longing looks at Quinn, Quinn still avoided Rachel -and subsequently all the confusing thoughts that come with Rachel -like the plague and Santana still threatened Quinn every day to fix things.
When Quinn gets home that Monday afternoon after Cheerios practice, Rachel is waiting for her. The first thing the blonde sees -aside from Rachel’s progressively redder eyes- are her suitcases by the brunette’s feet.
“I don’t want to force you to leave but it seems like the only way things could be alright again.” Rachel starts nervously. It seems a bit forced, like she’d practiced this since she got home; then it hits Quinn that she probably has.
“I understand.” Quinn lies. Her eyes haven’t moved from the suitcases, trying not to cry but finding it hard to manage rejection from another home.
“My fathers have no part in this,” Rachel points at the suitcases, “I told them it’s my decision and they begrudgingly agreed to the condition that we pay you money for food and temporary shelter until you find a new house to reside in.”
Rachel shuffles around in her pockets for a while before pulling out a few bills, “that’s $300 from my fathers. It should cover the living and eating expenses,” she hesitates as she looks at Quinn’s frozen state before pulling out a couple more bills, “and that’s um...from me. It’s not much but...” Rachel shrugs, “Just in case.”
Quinn nods and repeats the last three words, too stunned to do anything else. She glances at Rachel who looks like she’s about to burst into tears and holds in a scowl. ‘She’s not the one being kicked out.’ And suddenly, the urge to hold Rachel and tell her everything is going to be ok, makes her hate the brunette.
“Tell your fathers I said thanks.”
And with that, Quinn snatches the money from Rachel’s shaking hands and grabs her suitcases, trying to get as many as she could to spare an awkward second trip. When the blonde reaches the door she hears Rachel mutter her name. Instead of turning around to acknowledge it, Quinn just stops her plight to turn the knob without dropping her suitcases.
“I still love you.” Rachel whispers, her voice cracking with every word; the sobs sending tremors through her body. Quinn sighs and turns the doorknob, stepping onto the front porch and letting a few tears spring from her eyes and land on the cold cement.
The blonde has no idea where she’s going to go or what she’s going to do, but when she steps out of the place she called ‘home’ for the last four months without so much as a backward glance, she realises that she doesn’t even care.
Being abandoned once does things to a person; but when a person gets abandoned 3 times from places they felt safe...
They end up abandoning themselves.
One month later and Quinn is living with her aunt. After 2 nights in the cheapest, least dubious motel she could find, the blonde gave up and called her aunt who begrudgingly accepted the blonde into her house.
Her aunt didn’t hate her. She didn’t spit in Quinn’s face or shout and scream at Quinn for her mistakes, but every time Quinn walked past the alcoholic woman she would receive a cold glare followed by mutters of disappointment. The woman only allowed Quinn in her house because she thought that she would get back on Jesus’ good books. Quinn wanted to tell her that Jesus would accept her regardless of mistakes but she wasn’t too big on being disowned again so she just bit her tongue most of the time.
School is hell. Quinn is still a Cheerio and pretty high up on the social ladder since she quit Glee because it was too hard to see Rachel move on so easily whilst she was so broken and confused inside.
Every night she thought of how she felt about Rachel and how she felt about her sexuality altogether she would remind herself that ‘It’s wrong, it’s immoral, I’m not gay.’ But after a while, the voice got weaker and another voice, one that sounded like her except strong and more confident said ‘It doesn’t matter anymore.’ She was sick of pretending to be ok, she wanted to be ok and if that meant admitting her feelings then she would admit them.
Rachel cut her out of her life completely after she kicked Quinn out. The Thursday after Quinn left, Rachel went back to her normal, ever determined self. Her eyes were no longer red-rimmed and tear stained and her smile was back to the mega-watt Broadway smile. Santana stopped threatening Quinn and instead started threatening anyone else who even looked at Rachel funny.
Quinn wanted to believe that Rachel and Santana were just friends but she’d be lying to herself and frankly, she was lying to herself too much these days.
One Friday afternoon in the middle of Cheerios practice; Quinn stumbled upon Santana pushing Rachel up against the Cheerios locker, the diva’s legs wrapped around the Latina’s waist, Santana’s hand working against Rachel, their lips locked in a heated embrace and Rachel’s face crossing about 12 different nuances as she came.
Instead of shouting and making a scene, instead of interrupting and terrorizing them, Quinn just backed out of the room and fled the premises, not caring about the practice or the verbal lashing she was to receive from Sue. She jumped into her car and speeded down random roads, turning every so often and trying to fight the urge to just swerve into oncoming traffic.
Rachel moved on.
Rachel was happy without her. No, Rachel was more than happy without her; Rachel was in love without her.
It was painfully funny to Quinn that the one night she slept with Rachel and fucked everything up had more effect on her then on Rachel, who had been in love with Quinn since middle school but not anymore.
It was so funny that Quinn laughed, she laughed until she had to pull over so as not to cause an accident, she laughed until she cried, she laughed until she couldn’t even breathe anymore and had to stop.
The tears were still streaming down her face as she realised that she had lost everything that was important to her. She had lost her home, her best friend and probably-if she weren’t so goddamn scared- her girlfriend.
The blonde sat silently and let the sobs wrack through her body as she cried. She cried until she didn’t have enough energy or tears left, she cried until the sun went down and everything was dark.
When the clock displayed 8:01pm, Quinn decided to go back to her aunts. She gripped the steering wheel with one hand and reached for the key with the other but she couldn’t even bring herself to turn the damn thing.
So she sat there, trying to will herself to turn the key and go on with life but she couldn’t. She didn’t even want to go back; she just wanted to be smothered by her own self-pity and resentment and eventually die from it.
When the clocked displayed 8:47pm, a knock was heard on her window. The blonde almost didn’t hear it if it weren’t accompanied by the soft ‘Quinn?’ muffled by the car window. Quinn glanced over and saw her. Apparently, in her subconscious state she had driven to Rachel’s house and sat there for about 3 hours before Rachel decided to come outside.
Rachel let herself in, just like she always did with Quinn. The blonde didn’t move to acknowledge her presence, just tried to power herself to turn that goddamn key but to no avail.
“Quinn...” Rachel trailed off. For the second time in her life she was rendered speechless, Quinn also taking the first time just as she always took everything. She took her first spot as someone to call a ‘best friend’, she took her heart when she laughed and sang in glee, she took her virginity without so much as a care for how it felt for her...
“Do you remember that night we slept together, Rachel?” Quinn asked, she still didn’t have the guts to look at Rachel so she kept her eyes glued to the steering wheel. She didn’t need to see Rachel nod to know she did.
“That night,” Quinn chuckled even if there was nothing funny about the situation, “That night fucked up my life, Rachel. You fucked up my life.”
When Quinn looked up at Rachel, all she saw was fear and sadness and when Rachel looked at Quinn all she was hurt and regret.
“I...I never stopped thinking about it. The morning after, I was so scared, Rachel. Not only cos I slept with a girl but I think its cos I slept with you. I didn’t want to lose my best friend and now look...” Quinn laughed again, it felt better then crying, “I’m alone...”
Rachel didn’t know what to say, so she just let Quinn go on.
“I...I don’t even want to go into the whole gay/straight issue because I don’t think I could explain to you how it feels when it took me an entire goddamn month to even begin to comprehend it....I just, I feel so fucked up all the time and I want to make it better, I do. I just can’t bring myself to look at you and see you look so happy and perfect without me when I’m so goddamn broken inside. I just...I look in the mirror and I can’t love what I see.”
“And...I know I don’t deserve to be telling you this. I don’t deserve to be talking to you about this but seeing you look so happy with Santana just hurts. It physically hurts because deep down, I know that could’ve been me and I know that I wanted it so much, more then I was ready to admit but I was just so scared and weak because of my bigoted father and his idea of love and how you made me feel that I ran...I ran and I lied and I’m sorry. Oh God, Rachel, I’m sorry.”
Rachel sat frozen. She couldn’t say anything if she wanted to. Quinn had never ever opened up to her like this ever since she’d known her and now with the Cheerios captain crying and sobbing into her steering wheel and mentally kicking herself for her mistakes, Rachel couldn’t even begin to say anything comforting.
When Quinn stopped sobbing long enough to look at Rachel she asked, no, she pleaded.
“Just...please, tell me one thing. Tell me...If I didn’t run, if I didn’t get scared and push you away; could I have maybe had a chance with you?”
Rachel gulped. She had to speak now, but instead of giving Quinn a direct answer, the brunette looked out the window before asking.
“Do you remember what you said to me that night?”
Quinn shook her head no.
“You told me that you loved me. You told me that you were in love with me and I thought...I thought that meant that you were ready to be in a relationship with me and that’s why it hurt so much the morning after....Cos it was a lie, cos I deceived myself into thinking that ‘hey, someone’s actually strong enough to love you’ but no. You lied and then you ran. Santana didn’t run, she stayed and she fought...she stays and she fights, because it means something to her.”
There were a few moments after what Rachel said sunk in. They both looked straight at the road in front of them before Rachel sighed and opened her door. As she exited the car, Quinn called out her name and Rachel froze; not turning around...just, stopping.
“I still love you.” The blonde said without tears or laugher or anything. Just a statement of fact.
Rachel sighed before shutting the door and going home.
Quinn sighed and dropped her head in her hands.
In her room, Rachel did the same.