Picking up the Pieces, 12: Temptations
Title: Picking up the Pieces
Author: exquisite_ugly
Rating/Warnings: M (language, future explicit sex)
Summary: Bella returns to Forks a few years after having married Edward and moving to Alaska. Mistakes and regrets, loneliness and grief, she severs ties and returns to those she truly loves to start over. What will she come home to? AU, A/D/R, M-language/sex
*~*~*
If only I could hold you every day/I could undertake a larger mission/I know that you and I is hard to say/But broken pieces can be whole again/I believe in a world that can take you high/I believe in a thought that can touch the sky/I believe in peace and harmony/I believe that you belong to me
*~*~*
My body was on fire.
Jake's touch was igniting it, and I was helpless to stop it. And I didn't want it to stop. The cool touch of the wall on my back was doing nothing for the heat against the front of me. His mouth was so warm; soft, yet unyielding. The feel of his tongue sinuously moving against mine was intoxicating. The strength in the lines of his body was exciting.
His big hands were cupping my backside, holding me up, kneading me and setting off a streak of pleasure that made me throb for him. His mouth moved away from mine, and I nearly whimpered, but then he began nipping a trail along my jaw, down my neck, until his mouth was hovering over the neckline of my worn tank top.
I had expected - well, I wasn't sure what I was expecting - but when his lips brushed over my nipple through my tank top, I did whimper. My fingers tightened in his hair, wanting more. He pulled away, though, but before I could complain, he deposited me on the bed. Our eyes met briefly; there was a storm in his. The lust was unmistakable, though. He wanted me as much as I wanted him.
I arched my back, watching as his eyes zeroed in on my breasts again. There was no shyness, no hesitation, and I wanted him to look at me. It didn't matter that I thought my breasts were too small, that I wasn't as beautiful as other women, and that Lila had been with Jake first. This moment made it seem so insignificant when the boy I loved turned into the man I wanted heart and soul. He knew me, saw me, and I felt like the most beautiful woman alive under his gaze.
It happened quickly. Before I knew it, he had my nipple between his lips without even removing my shirt. It didn't dim the sensation, though, and I gasped at the wet warmth tugging and suckling at my breast.
My hands moved of their own volition and began tugging at his shirt, desperate to feel his warm skin against mine. He shifted back slightly, allowing me to pull it up, and he disposed of it quickly. When he settled between my thighs, my hips rose automatically, seeking him.
Jake's fingers trailed slowly down my sides, driving me crazy. He reached the waistline of my pants, and after a brief hesitation, his hand dipped below. We were both being very quiet, but I couldn't help moaning a little when he zeroed in on my clit.
"Ohhh," I couldn't help gasping, the word lengthening on a whoosh of breath as he pinched.
His other fingers - such long fingers - slid deep inside me.
My hips pushed toward his hand, wanting more. I had never felt such a build-up of heat, and I pulsed around his fingers. His face, always so beautiful, was tilted downward, and I wanted his lips on mine. Hesitantly, I reached out to touch his jaw; such a tense jaw.
Stroking along his face, I tangled my fingers in his hair, urging him back to me. His eyes were clouded with lust, much like my own, as his lips settled against mine. I kissed him with all the pent-up emotion I had been feeling. My tongue traced the line of his lips, nipping at the lower one as he continued to work his fingers inside me.
Basking in his touch, the feel of his mouth against mine, was even better than I had imagined. His skin was so smooth to the touch and the feel of his weight on top of me was just right. He wasn't holding back, trying to keep from crushing me, and it was so much more freeing and pleasurable.
There was a tightening in my lower belly, and my fingernails scraped down Jake's chest lightly as my breathing grew heavier yet. It was so close, and I reached down and found the bulge in his pants was hard and pressed against my leg. With an enthusiastic rub, he gave a small grunt. Just hearing him make noise was enough for me, and I felt my orgasm sweep over me, and my inner walls clench around his fingers.
My throat was dry as I stared up at the ceiling, a little dazed, a little sweaty, and a lot thrilled. When I looked over at Jake, though, I felt a sinking sensation in the pit of my stomach. He didn't look annoyed with me, but his eyes held uncertainty. I had wanted so much more; wanted to make him feel good, to show him as well as tell him that I loved him, but it didn't look like that was going to happen.
"I… should go," he murmured quietly.
"Jake, wait. I don't want you to…"
His eyes met mine, dark brows furrowed, and he gave a small sigh. "I'm not sure I want to either, but I don't think this should happen yet. I'll talk to you later, okay?"
He didn't really wait for an answer as he pulled his shirt back on, but I gave him one before he left the room. I knew I couldn't push him to be okay, but I could let him know I would deal with this and wait for him. "I'll always wait," I told him quietly. He paused, and I could see the lust still there mixed with the uncertainty, as he registered my words. He nodded, understanding what I was saying.
And then I was left alone in my bed yet again, wishing I knew the right thing to say.
*~*~*
JPOV
I leaned my forehead against the shower wall, my dick still throbbing in my hand. With a sigh, I pulled back, washing the remnants of my pleasure down the drain. It had been painful to leave Bella in her bed, her body eagerly moving against mine, and just go home. What the fuck was wrong with me?
It had been a long time coming, and I wanted her so damn much, but how could we do this when we had so much trouble talking to each other? The hurt ran deep, but the fact that she didn't talk to me about what went on and I wasn't talking to her about what I went through, was something that held me back. And as much as I wanted her, I just couldn't go through with it. My resolve had weakened when I saw the look on her face, though. She had looked so beautiful lying in her bed; so soft and welcoming. I wanted to wrap myself around her, bury myself inside her, and hold her and never let go.
Her body had felt incredible against mine, and it had taken a hell of a lot of willpower to pull away from her. She had admitted she was in love with me - and that had relieved and thrilled me all at once - and she was looking at me, nearly begging me with her eyes to take more from her.
God, I wanted to.
Dad was sitting at the kitchen table, still carving, when I came out. I poured him a glass of water and gave him his medication. He watched me as he swallowed them. When he finished, he gave me a curious look.
"You look like something has happened."
I shrugged. While I was pretty comfortable talking to my dad, this was something that was just a little too uncomfortable to talk about.
"Am I correct in saying that you and Bella slept together?"
I always managed to forget how damn good he was at reading me, Becca, and Rachel. It was creepy and made it hard to hide anything from him. He had always been that way; quiet and perceptive.
I turned away, feeling sort of foolish, because I felt my face warm a little bit. You're an adult, act like one.
"No, we haven't," I said, not offering anything else.
"But you did something," he persisted.
Rolling my eyes before I turned around, I added, "I suppose you could say that."
He chuckled. "I know it's painful, but it might actually help to talk about it a little. I do know what sex is, son, otherwise you wouldn't be here. I know it has been awhile for me, but I'm not stupid. And it's not like I want details."
I sighed, torn between annoyance, mortification, and laughter.
He gave me what he considered a winning smile, and I did laugh then. "Fine. Yes. But I didn't go through with it."
"What, you couldn't get it up?" he asked with mock concern.
Thank God my blush didn't show up much because of my skin coloring. I knew he was trying to lighten the mood, and I couldn't help a snort of laughter despite the type of conversation he was forcing me into.
"Hardly," I mocked back. "Not an area I have difficulty in," I added, surprising myself.
Billy laughed outright then. "I take it you've, uh, been intimate before. I assumed so, but as you know, it's not a subject I felt comfortable broaching with you."
"Since you already know the answer, I won't bother answering that question," I told him. I sat down with a can of coke and raised an eyebrow at him, feeling a smidgen better when I saw the faint redness on Billy's cheeks as well.
He chuckled. "Fair enough. So, what happened? Condensed version please."
I snorted. "I, uh, found out how she feels about me. It was… really good to hear. We seem to have trouble talking about what we went through, though. She's not telling me everything, and I don't feel we should be intimate if we can't be honest with each other."
Billy pondered that. "You're pretty smart, Jake. It's definitely good to be honest with each other before furthering a relationship, and I'm impressed you have control over what you wanted to do; not many guys your age think like that."
I stared out the window, not sure what to say. It wasn't easy admitting that I really didn't want to stop. Billy probably knew that. It wasn't something that needed to be said, plus I was already embarrassed enough.
"She's trying," Billy said seriously. "I can see she's changed and that she really wants to do the right thing. And I also understand how you're feeling. You both need to cut each other a little slack. I know it's hard."
I nodded. "I know. Every time I'm with her, I feel frustrated about the situation and then get irritated when she clams up. Apparently, I'm not over what happened."
Billy sighed. "Yeah, it's a rough situation. Just remember she came back, though, and she stayed even when it wasn't easy."
I got up as he rolled his chair back from the table. He winced slightly, and I frowned, all thoughts of our conversation and my embarrassment forgotten. "Dad, what is it? You haven't been feeling right lately."
He looked worried briefly, but then his face smoothed out. "Nothing. It's not a big deal."
I took hold of his chair as he began to roll toward the hall. "I don't think so. You make me spill my guts, so I think you can do the same. What's going on?"
He pursed his lips, but answered. "I haven't been feeling right. I've been having some pain in my chest, arms, and back."
"Dammit, Dad," I said, angry immediately as fear squeezed my heart. "You need to tell me, Rach, or the doctor this stuff!"
He gave me a look. "When we went to the doctor, he took the necessary vitals. My heart is okay."
"That's all well and good, but you need to tell him anything out of the ordinary. I know it's scary; hell, all three of us have been worried just like you at certain times. You need to tell us this stuff. We're going to the doctor as soon as he can get you in."
"Yes, sir," he said with a mock salute, but sighed when I didn't budge. "Okay, fine. I know I should have told him, but I was…"
He trailed off. It was the common affliction among men. We were scared, but it wasn't easy to admit. I knew how that went.
"I understand," I said a little more gently. "But it could just be something easy enough to change so you feel better. It'll give us both peace of mind. I need that," I added, being honest, and also knowing that was what would get him to the doctor.
"Okay," he said quietly. "I'll make an appointment."
I lifted him out of his chair when we got to his bedroom and helped him get settled. When he was comfortable, I went to my room, and lay with my arms behind my head and stared up at the ceiling. There was too much to worry about already, and I needed to know Billy would be okay.
It was nearly a week after Bella and I had our encounter until we saw each other again. Quil called me Saturday morning as I stared bleary-eyed at nothing while drinking a coke. It had been a long week, and I'd been thinking too much about my dad, about Bella, and about work on this school to really get a good night's sleep. At least we had an appointment the following Monday for my dad to find out what was going on.
Quil sounded annoyingly chipper. "Hey man, you want to come down to the beach for a bonfire tonight? We haven't had one in awhile, and we just decided last night we needed to have another."
I grunted out a yes and he snickered.
"Late night?"
"Not that kind," I muttered irritably. Trying to swallow some of my crankiness, I asked, "You hear from Alyssa? I've been meaning to ask."
"Yeah," he said, sounding really happy about that. "We're going to meet up tomorrow night actually halfway between Forks and Port Angeles for dinner."
I smiled, feeling myself relax a little. "Good. I think she's worth getting to know."
"Thanks, man," he said happily. "Oh, and I really hope you don't mind, but Bella is going to stop by the bonfire tonight, too. I know things have been a little, uh, tough for you two, but I ran into her at the store when I was getting some supplies."
I paused, feeling my heart kick up a notch. Seeing Bella was a good and bad idea. I wanted to see her anyway even if it wasn't a good idea. "It's okay," was all I said.
"She seemed a little down," he continued. "I'm not sure why, but she seemed glad for the invitation. She really does seem to be trying."
I closed my eyes and told myself to remain patient. She wanted to see me. That was good, right? It was what I had always wanted; Bella to tell me she was in love with me, but I wasn't expecting to try and resist her because of all the other issues between us. I wasn't sure how long I could hold out if we didn't try to rectify the problems.
"It's okay, Quil. There was some… stuff that went on. It's nothing bad really, but maybe a little confusing. We need to work it out, but I don't have a problem with her being there."
"Hmm," was Quil's response. "Even though it isn't a very manly thing to say, you know you can tell me. Just don't tell anyone I said that."
I snickered. "Whatever, man. I'll talk to you later tonight."
I kept myself busy until it was time to leave for La Push. When I got there, I could see the bonfire already going and a crowd gathered around it.
"Hey man," Jared said. "Grab a hot dog and a cold one."
It sounded really good, so I did just that. "I didn't get a chance, but I wanted to say thanks for getting us hooked up with this school project," Sam said. "It's really been a big help to have the extra cash flow. Emily and I have been talking about having a baby, so you know…"
"Hey, that's great," I said. "And no problem. The extra help has been what we needed."
Quil and Embry had drifted over our way, and we were discussing the school when abruptly Paul said, "Seriously? Who invited the leech lover?"
A low growl in my throat, I turned to stare at Paul. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Bella a good distance away. She probably hadn't heard anything.
"I did, so get over it," Quil commented.
"Dude, she's the reason this asshat left us. She's the one who married and was boinking that icy son-of-a-bitch and she's the one who came back and turned Jake into a moony, whiny…"
The growl grew louder, and I drew my fist back and hit Paul in the nose. A snarl of anger erupted from Paul, but Sam clamped his arms behind his back. "You deserved it," he muttered. "We've moved on, Paul, so should you."
"You're such a fucking idiot, Paul," Embry muttered. "We're men, not little girls that hold grudges. You diss Jake again, I'll punch you after he does."
Paul was pissed, but he backed off, just in time as Bella and Leah showed up. "Hey, losers," Leah greeted cheerfully, high-fiving Embry.
I laughed. Leah certainly was one of a kind. A couple people from the Makah reservation had drifted down to the bonfire, too, but all of that drifted away as Bella smiled at me. She had steadily been losing some of the shadowed sadness in her eyes, and she looked almost happy again. Her hair had some of the curl back in it and she had it knotted loosely just above the nape of her neck.
She wore some kind of emerald top that was a bit clingy; and quite a bit distracting. Though she wore her standard jeans and a pair of sandals, she looked really pretty.
"Hey, Jake," she said, coming over to me. There was no hesitation, no shyness, just a curious look in her eye. And if I wasn't mistaken, she looked me over almost hungrily. Well, that was new.
"Bella," I said.
She looped her arm casually through mine as we joined the group again.
*~*~*
BPOV
Even while we talked and ate, Jake's eyes kept meeting mine. I was surprised how much I wanted him. Sex had been an enjoyable thing for me, but I had never lusted like this over Edward or anyone like I currently was with Jake. His russet skin glowed in the firelight, and I could see his muscles rippling even under his worn t-shirt. Black hair was scraped back into a short ponytail. It wasn't as long as it used to be, but I liked it on the longer side.
When I thought about his hands on me that night, I felt a shiver of anticipation work its way up my spine.
Everyone was sitting down chatting now, so I wandered down the beach a little, to dip my feet into the water. It wasn't quite icy, but it was pretty close. I stayed there, feeling the need to cool off.
Jake was behind me. I could feel his heat even before I saw him. When I turned to face him, I could still see how he held back around me. It was ridiculous. We needed to talk. As much as I didn't want to talk about Alaska, I needed to tell him something.
"They treated me like a princess," I said quietly.
I could feel his eyes on me now; feel the weight of judgment under that stare.
"I hated it. I never liked being coddled over, dressed up like I was a human doll, or feeling smothered and unable to contact anyone I loved," I said, kicking up a little spray of ocean water.
"At first, it was good. I was in love with Edward and kept telling myself that I had made the right choice. I was in school, I had made some friends, and even with the restrictions, I was mostly okay with it."
"The right choice…" he muttered.
I gave him a look. "Yes. But you were never far from my mind. I thought I would eventually move on and get over it, and I could start my life with Edward. Or unlife as the case may be. I wanted to consummate our marriage, but Edward was so reluctant that I was getting angry. When we, uh, finally did… I was scared because he was so single-minded and tried to impress upon me how dangerous it was. He was never a threat, but he wanted me to see the risk before we actually did it. It really had scared me, but I pushed that aside and went through with it."
Jake's face went from remote to hot and angry. "Are you fucking joking? He tried to scare you, to make you feel like that because of what you wanted? If that asshole was here right now…" he threatened.
A few tears trailed down my cheeks at the memory.
"He… apologized afterward. It was part of his nature, and it was part of him trying to make me understand his hesitation. We got over it and it was fine. But he wouldn't try certain things, you know… and it, um, made things tough sometimes."
My cheeks were hot as the tears continued.
"I kept thinking about you," I choked out. "How if I had given you a chance, it would have been so different, how you wouldn't have held back…"
His hand was on the nape of my neck, fingers sliding through my hair. "No, I wouldn't have," he said in a husky whisper. "I would have done every little thing you wanted and made you feel so damn good."
My thighs squeezed together, but he backed off slightly.
My voice was shaking when I continued. "It took me a little while, but I began to realize being a vampire wasn't what I wanted, and I couldn't get you out of my mind. Edward and I had a blow up when he realized that; it was the first time I've ever seen him angry. And then the Volturi found out I still wasn't changed and that was when they helped stage my death."
"I understand you were going through a lot," Jake admitted. "I've come to realize that, but to think of the lengths you went, not thinking me or Charlie would find out is hard to reconcile." His voice was bordering on hurt and frustration again, igniting my already tenuous feelings at all that I was admitting.
"And you know that I would never have willingly hurt you or my dad, Jacob Black," I said through clenched teeth. "And I called you. I wasn't going to admit this to you, but even after our stilted conversations previously, I called you because I wanted my best friend to come and help me."
The tears started again. "You never answered."
He turned to me, shock on his face. "Bella, I had never heard my phone. I had seen later that you had called, but there was no message. I had no idea! You seriously can't blame me for this… I mean, hell, Bella… I was hurt and trying to move on and talking to you made it so much harder!" His voice was close to angry again.
"No, Jake, no," I said hurriedly. "I never blamed you for that. Please know that. I swear to you that isn't the case. I understand how much I hurt you; it was just a last-ditch effort. And I didn't have time to leave a message or elaborate. There were too many ears that could hear me. Never once did I blame you for not answering."
He relaxed a little, but still looked agitated.
"Where the hell do we go from here?" I asked bitterly through my tears.
He leaned in, examined me briefly, and then kissed me. His mouth was hot, his hands rough, as he palmed and squeezed my breast. My back arched and I gasped at his touch. "Let's go," he ordered.
"Charlie is still on nights," I said and with that, he led me back around everyone at the bonfire, and drove me home. He was speeding, and I couldn't stop touching him the whole way. His thigh muscles bunched when I slid my hand over the expanse of his leg, my fingers dangerously close to the bulge that fascinated me.
My fingers had just brushed over him daringly when he slammed on the brakes in front of the house. He yanked me on top of him, my elbow bumping the horn, and he bit down at the sensitive spot between my neck and shoulder.
I cried out, pulling at his hair, wanting to feel his naked body against mine. It felt like I had been waiting a lifetime. Our noses bumped, I could barely breathe, but I didn't want to break the kiss.
"Take me inside," I gasped, nipping his ear.
He shoved the truck door open and we kissed our way up the sidewalk to the front door. His tongue was doing wonderful things to my mouth, and I struggled to unlock the door. Again we found ourselves hurrying up the steps, Jake backing me against the wall and lifting me at the top of the steps. My legs wound around his waist as my hands dipped down into his jeans. His firm backside was under my palms and he made a soft sound in his throat.
He backed up to look at me, eyes betraying a jumbled mess of emotions.
I lightly nuzzled his cheek, feeling the start of stubble, and knew this was going to happen. We had made some headway, though things weren't perfect yet, but I didn't want to wait anymore and it didn't look as if he wanted to either.
"I want you," I whispered.
As he shoved open my bedroom door, I felt a zip of excitement shoot through me. I was finally going to make love to my best friend.
Chapter 13
*~*~*
AN: I know, I know! Sorry. ;o) This chapter got a little too long, though I intended to have more at the end, but figured it would be better in the next chapter and not as rushed. Opinions were split on if they should wait, so I gave you a little slice of lemon and the big lemon will definitely be next chapter! So, I hope that sufficed for everyone. Let me know what you think. :o)
Author: exquisite_ugly
Rating/Warnings: M (language, future explicit sex)
Summary: Bella returns to Forks a few years after having married Edward and moving to Alaska. Mistakes and regrets, loneliness and grief, she severs ties and returns to those she truly loves to start over. What will she come home to? AU, A/D/R, M-language/sex
*~*~*
If only I could hold you every day/I could undertake a larger mission/I know that you and I is hard to say/But broken pieces can be whole again/I believe in a world that can take you high/I believe in a thought that can touch the sky/I believe in peace and harmony/I believe that you belong to me
*~*~*
My body was on fire.
Jake's touch was igniting it, and I was helpless to stop it. And I didn't want it to stop. The cool touch of the wall on my back was doing nothing for the heat against the front of me. His mouth was so warm; soft, yet unyielding. The feel of his tongue sinuously moving against mine was intoxicating. The strength in the lines of his body was exciting.
His big hands were cupping my backside, holding me up, kneading me and setting off a streak of pleasure that made me throb for him. His mouth moved away from mine, and I nearly whimpered, but then he began nipping a trail along my jaw, down my neck, until his mouth was hovering over the neckline of my worn tank top.
I had expected - well, I wasn't sure what I was expecting - but when his lips brushed over my nipple through my tank top, I did whimper. My fingers tightened in his hair, wanting more. He pulled away, though, but before I could complain, he deposited me on the bed. Our eyes met briefly; there was a storm in his. The lust was unmistakable, though. He wanted me as much as I wanted him.
I arched my back, watching as his eyes zeroed in on my breasts again. There was no shyness, no hesitation, and I wanted him to look at me. It didn't matter that I thought my breasts were too small, that I wasn't as beautiful as other women, and that Lila had been with Jake first. This moment made it seem so insignificant when the boy I loved turned into the man I wanted heart and soul. He knew me, saw me, and I felt like the most beautiful woman alive under his gaze.
It happened quickly. Before I knew it, he had my nipple between his lips without even removing my shirt. It didn't dim the sensation, though, and I gasped at the wet warmth tugging and suckling at my breast.
My hands moved of their own volition and began tugging at his shirt, desperate to feel his warm skin against mine. He shifted back slightly, allowing me to pull it up, and he disposed of it quickly. When he settled between my thighs, my hips rose automatically, seeking him.
Jake's fingers trailed slowly down my sides, driving me crazy. He reached the waistline of my pants, and after a brief hesitation, his hand dipped below. We were both being very quiet, but I couldn't help moaning a little when he zeroed in on my clit.
"Ohhh," I couldn't help gasping, the word lengthening on a whoosh of breath as he pinched.
His other fingers - such long fingers - slid deep inside me.
My hips pushed toward his hand, wanting more. I had never felt such a build-up of heat, and I pulsed around his fingers. His face, always so beautiful, was tilted downward, and I wanted his lips on mine. Hesitantly, I reached out to touch his jaw; such a tense jaw.
Stroking along his face, I tangled my fingers in his hair, urging him back to me. His eyes were clouded with lust, much like my own, as his lips settled against mine. I kissed him with all the pent-up emotion I had been feeling. My tongue traced the line of his lips, nipping at the lower one as he continued to work his fingers inside me.
Basking in his touch, the feel of his mouth against mine, was even better than I had imagined. His skin was so smooth to the touch and the feel of his weight on top of me was just right. He wasn't holding back, trying to keep from crushing me, and it was so much more freeing and pleasurable.
There was a tightening in my lower belly, and my fingernails scraped down Jake's chest lightly as my breathing grew heavier yet. It was so close, and I reached down and found the bulge in his pants was hard and pressed against my leg. With an enthusiastic rub, he gave a small grunt. Just hearing him make noise was enough for me, and I felt my orgasm sweep over me, and my inner walls clench around his fingers.
My throat was dry as I stared up at the ceiling, a little dazed, a little sweaty, and a lot thrilled. When I looked over at Jake, though, I felt a sinking sensation in the pit of my stomach. He didn't look annoyed with me, but his eyes held uncertainty. I had wanted so much more; wanted to make him feel good, to show him as well as tell him that I loved him, but it didn't look like that was going to happen.
"I… should go," he murmured quietly.
"Jake, wait. I don't want you to…"
His eyes met mine, dark brows furrowed, and he gave a small sigh. "I'm not sure I want to either, but I don't think this should happen yet. I'll talk to you later, okay?"
He didn't really wait for an answer as he pulled his shirt back on, but I gave him one before he left the room. I knew I couldn't push him to be okay, but I could let him know I would deal with this and wait for him. "I'll always wait," I told him quietly. He paused, and I could see the lust still there mixed with the uncertainty, as he registered my words. He nodded, understanding what I was saying.
And then I was left alone in my bed yet again, wishing I knew the right thing to say.
*~*~*
JPOV
I leaned my forehead against the shower wall, my dick still throbbing in my hand. With a sigh, I pulled back, washing the remnants of my pleasure down the drain. It had been painful to leave Bella in her bed, her body eagerly moving against mine, and just go home. What the fuck was wrong with me?
It had been a long time coming, and I wanted her so damn much, but how could we do this when we had so much trouble talking to each other? The hurt ran deep, but the fact that she didn't talk to me about what went on and I wasn't talking to her about what I went through, was something that held me back. And as much as I wanted her, I just couldn't go through with it. My resolve had weakened when I saw the look on her face, though. She had looked so beautiful lying in her bed; so soft and welcoming. I wanted to wrap myself around her, bury myself inside her, and hold her and never let go.
Her body had felt incredible against mine, and it had taken a hell of a lot of willpower to pull away from her. She had admitted she was in love with me - and that had relieved and thrilled me all at once - and she was looking at me, nearly begging me with her eyes to take more from her.
God, I wanted to.
Dad was sitting at the kitchen table, still carving, when I came out. I poured him a glass of water and gave him his medication. He watched me as he swallowed them. When he finished, he gave me a curious look.
"You look like something has happened."
I shrugged. While I was pretty comfortable talking to my dad, this was something that was just a little too uncomfortable to talk about.
"Am I correct in saying that you and Bella slept together?"
I always managed to forget how damn good he was at reading me, Becca, and Rachel. It was creepy and made it hard to hide anything from him. He had always been that way; quiet and perceptive.
I turned away, feeling sort of foolish, because I felt my face warm a little bit. You're an adult, act like one.
"No, we haven't," I said, not offering anything else.
"But you did something," he persisted.
Rolling my eyes before I turned around, I added, "I suppose you could say that."
He chuckled. "I know it's painful, but it might actually help to talk about it a little. I do know what sex is, son, otherwise you wouldn't be here. I know it has been awhile for me, but I'm not stupid. And it's not like I want details."
I sighed, torn between annoyance, mortification, and laughter.
He gave me what he considered a winning smile, and I did laugh then. "Fine. Yes. But I didn't go through with it."
"What, you couldn't get it up?" he asked with mock concern.
Thank God my blush didn't show up much because of my skin coloring. I knew he was trying to lighten the mood, and I couldn't help a snort of laughter despite the type of conversation he was forcing me into.
"Hardly," I mocked back. "Not an area I have difficulty in," I added, surprising myself.
Billy laughed outright then. "I take it you've, uh, been intimate before. I assumed so, but as you know, it's not a subject I felt comfortable broaching with you."
"Since you already know the answer, I won't bother answering that question," I told him. I sat down with a can of coke and raised an eyebrow at him, feeling a smidgen better when I saw the faint redness on Billy's cheeks as well.
He chuckled. "Fair enough. So, what happened? Condensed version please."
I snorted. "I, uh, found out how she feels about me. It was… really good to hear. We seem to have trouble talking about what we went through, though. She's not telling me everything, and I don't feel we should be intimate if we can't be honest with each other."
Billy pondered that. "You're pretty smart, Jake. It's definitely good to be honest with each other before furthering a relationship, and I'm impressed you have control over what you wanted to do; not many guys your age think like that."
I stared out the window, not sure what to say. It wasn't easy admitting that I really didn't want to stop. Billy probably knew that. It wasn't something that needed to be said, plus I was already embarrassed enough.
"She's trying," Billy said seriously. "I can see she's changed and that she really wants to do the right thing. And I also understand how you're feeling. You both need to cut each other a little slack. I know it's hard."
I nodded. "I know. Every time I'm with her, I feel frustrated about the situation and then get irritated when she clams up. Apparently, I'm not over what happened."
Billy sighed. "Yeah, it's a rough situation. Just remember she came back, though, and she stayed even when it wasn't easy."
I got up as he rolled his chair back from the table. He winced slightly, and I frowned, all thoughts of our conversation and my embarrassment forgotten. "Dad, what is it? You haven't been feeling right lately."
He looked worried briefly, but then his face smoothed out. "Nothing. It's not a big deal."
I took hold of his chair as he began to roll toward the hall. "I don't think so. You make me spill my guts, so I think you can do the same. What's going on?"
He pursed his lips, but answered. "I haven't been feeling right. I've been having some pain in my chest, arms, and back."
"Dammit, Dad," I said, angry immediately as fear squeezed my heart. "You need to tell me, Rach, or the doctor this stuff!"
He gave me a look. "When we went to the doctor, he took the necessary vitals. My heart is okay."
"That's all well and good, but you need to tell him anything out of the ordinary. I know it's scary; hell, all three of us have been worried just like you at certain times. You need to tell us this stuff. We're going to the doctor as soon as he can get you in."
"Yes, sir," he said with a mock salute, but sighed when I didn't budge. "Okay, fine. I know I should have told him, but I was…"
He trailed off. It was the common affliction among men. We were scared, but it wasn't easy to admit. I knew how that went.
"I understand," I said a little more gently. "But it could just be something easy enough to change so you feel better. It'll give us both peace of mind. I need that," I added, being honest, and also knowing that was what would get him to the doctor.
"Okay," he said quietly. "I'll make an appointment."
I lifted him out of his chair when we got to his bedroom and helped him get settled. When he was comfortable, I went to my room, and lay with my arms behind my head and stared up at the ceiling. There was too much to worry about already, and I needed to know Billy would be okay.
It was nearly a week after Bella and I had our encounter until we saw each other again. Quil called me Saturday morning as I stared bleary-eyed at nothing while drinking a coke. It had been a long week, and I'd been thinking too much about my dad, about Bella, and about work on this school to really get a good night's sleep. At least we had an appointment the following Monday for my dad to find out what was going on.
Quil sounded annoyingly chipper. "Hey man, you want to come down to the beach for a bonfire tonight? We haven't had one in awhile, and we just decided last night we needed to have another."
I grunted out a yes and he snickered.
"Late night?"
"Not that kind," I muttered irritably. Trying to swallow some of my crankiness, I asked, "You hear from Alyssa? I've been meaning to ask."
"Yeah," he said, sounding really happy about that. "We're going to meet up tomorrow night actually halfway between Forks and Port Angeles for dinner."
I smiled, feeling myself relax a little. "Good. I think she's worth getting to know."
"Thanks, man," he said happily. "Oh, and I really hope you don't mind, but Bella is going to stop by the bonfire tonight, too. I know things have been a little, uh, tough for you two, but I ran into her at the store when I was getting some supplies."
I paused, feeling my heart kick up a notch. Seeing Bella was a good and bad idea. I wanted to see her anyway even if it wasn't a good idea. "It's okay," was all I said.
"She seemed a little down," he continued. "I'm not sure why, but she seemed glad for the invitation. She really does seem to be trying."
I closed my eyes and told myself to remain patient. She wanted to see me. That was good, right? It was what I had always wanted; Bella to tell me she was in love with me, but I wasn't expecting to try and resist her because of all the other issues between us. I wasn't sure how long I could hold out if we didn't try to rectify the problems.
"It's okay, Quil. There was some… stuff that went on. It's nothing bad really, but maybe a little confusing. We need to work it out, but I don't have a problem with her being there."
"Hmm," was Quil's response. "Even though it isn't a very manly thing to say, you know you can tell me. Just don't tell anyone I said that."
I snickered. "Whatever, man. I'll talk to you later tonight."
I kept myself busy until it was time to leave for La Push. When I got there, I could see the bonfire already going and a crowd gathered around it.
"Hey man," Jared said. "Grab a hot dog and a cold one."
It sounded really good, so I did just that. "I didn't get a chance, but I wanted to say thanks for getting us hooked up with this school project," Sam said. "It's really been a big help to have the extra cash flow. Emily and I have been talking about having a baby, so you know…"
"Hey, that's great," I said. "And no problem. The extra help has been what we needed."
Quil and Embry had drifted over our way, and we were discussing the school when abruptly Paul said, "Seriously? Who invited the leech lover?"
A low growl in my throat, I turned to stare at Paul. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see Bella a good distance away. She probably hadn't heard anything.
"I did, so get over it," Quil commented.
"Dude, she's the reason this asshat left us. She's the one who married and was boinking that icy son-of-a-bitch and she's the one who came back and turned Jake into a moony, whiny…"
The growl grew louder, and I drew my fist back and hit Paul in the nose. A snarl of anger erupted from Paul, but Sam clamped his arms behind his back. "You deserved it," he muttered. "We've moved on, Paul, so should you."
"You're such a fucking idiot, Paul," Embry muttered. "We're men, not little girls that hold grudges. You diss Jake again, I'll punch you after he does."
Paul was pissed, but he backed off, just in time as Bella and Leah showed up. "Hey, losers," Leah greeted cheerfully, high-fiving Embry.
I laughed. Leah certainly was one of a kind. A couple people from the Makah reservation had drifted down to the bonfire, too, but all of that drifted away as Bella smiled at me. She had steadily been losing some of the shadowed sadness in her eyes, and she looked almost happy again. Her hair had some of the curl back in it and she had it knotted loosely just above the nape of her neck.
She wore some kind of emerald top that was a bit clingy; and quite a bit distracting. Though she wore her standard jeans and a pair of sandals, she looked really pretty.
"Hey, Jake," she said, coming over to me. There was no hesitation, no shyness, just a curious look in her eye. And if I wasn't mistaken, she looked me over almost hungrily. Well, that was new.
"Bella," I said.
She looped her arm casually through mine as we joined the group again.
*~*~*
BPOV
Even while we talked and ate, Jake's eyes kept meeting mine. I was surprised how much I wanted him. Sex had been an enjoyable thing for me, but I had never lusted like this over Edward or anyone like I currently was with Jake. His russet skin glowed in the firelight, and I could see his muscles rippling even under his worn t-shirt. Black hair was scraped back into a short ponytail. It wasn't as long as it used to be, but I liked it on the longer side.
When I thought about his hands on me that night, I felt a shiver of anticipation work its way up my spine.
Everyone was sitting down chatting now, so I wandered down the beach a little, to dip my feet into the water. It wasn't quite icy, but it was pretty close. I stayed there, feeling the need to cool off.
Jake was behind me. I could feel his heat even before I saw him. When I turned to face him, I could still see how he held back around me. It was ridiculous. We needed to talk. As much as I didn't want to talk about Alaska, I needed to tell him something.
"They treated me like a princess," I said quietly.
I could feel his eyes on me now; feel the weight of judgment under that stare.
"I hated it. I never liked being coddled over, dressed up like I was a human doll, or feeling smothered and unable to contact anyone I loved," I said, kicking up a little spray of ocean water.
"At first, it was good. I was in love with Edward and kept telling myself that I had made the right choice. I was in school, I had made some friends, and even with the restrictions, I was mostly okay with it."
"The right choice…" he muttered.
I gave him a look. "Yes. But you were never far from my mind. I thought I would eventually move on and get over it, and I could start my life with Edward. Or unlife as the case may be. I wanted to consummate our marriage, but Edward was so reluctant that I was getting angry. When we, uh, finally did… I was scared because he was so single-minded and tried to impress upon me how dangerous it was. He was never a threat, but he wanted me to see the risk before we actually did it. It really had scared me, but I pushed that aside and went through with it."
Jake's face went from remote to hot and angry. "Are you fucking joking? He tried to scare you, to make you feel like that because of what you wanted? If that asshole was here right now…" he threatened.
A few tears trailed down my cheeks at the memory.
"He… apologized afterward. It was part of his nature, and it was part of him trying to make me understand his hesitation. We got over it and it was fine. But he wouldn't try certain things, you know… and it, um, made things tough sometimes."
My cheeks were hot as the tears continued.
"I kept thinking about you," I choked out. "How if I had given you a chance, it would have been so different, how you wouldn't have held back…"
His hand was on the nape of my neck, fingers sliding through my hair. "No, I wouldn't have," he said in a husky whisper. "I would have done every little thing you wanted and made you feel so damn good."
My thighs squeezed together, but he backed off slightly.
My voice was shaking when I continued. "It took me a little while, but I began to realize being a vampire wasn't what I wanted, and I couldn't get you out of my mind. Edward and I had a blow up when he realized that; it was the first time I've ever seen him angry. And then the Volturi found out I still wasn't changed and that was when they helped stage my death."
"I understand you were going through a lot," Jake admitted. "I've come to realize that, but to think of the lengths you went, not thinking me or Charlie would find out is hard to reconcile." His voice was bordering on hurt and frustration again, igniting my already tenuous feelings at all that I was admitting.
"And you know that I would never have willingly hurt you or my dad, Jacob Black," I said through clenched teeth. "And I called you. I wasn't going to admit this to you, but even after our stilted conversations previously, I called you because I wanted my best friend to come and help me."
The tears started again. "You never answered."
He turned to me, shock on his face. "Bella, I had never heard my phone. I had seen later that you had called, but there was no message. I had no idea! You seriously can't blame me for this… I mean, hell, Bella… I was hurt and trying to move on and talking to you made it so much harder!" His voice was close to angry again.
"No, Jake, no," I said hurriedly. "I never blamed you for that. Please know that. I swear to you that isn't the case. I understand how much I hurt you; it was just a last-ditch effort. And I didn't have time to leave a message or elaborate. There were too many ears that could hear me. Never once did I blame you for not answering."
He relaxed a little, but still looked agitated.
"Where the hell do we go from here?" I asked bitterly through my tears.
He leaned in, examined me briefly, and then kissed me. His mouth was hot, his hands rough, as he palmed and squeezed my breast. My back arched and I gasped at his touch. "Let's go," he ordered.
"Charlie is still on nights," I said and with that, he led me back around everyone at the bonfire, and drove me home. He was speeding, and I couldn't stop touching him the whole way. His thigh muscles bunched when I slid my hand over the expanse of his leg, my fingers dangerously close to the bulge that fascinated me.
My fingers had just brushed over him daringly when he slammed on the brakes in front of the house. He yanked me on top of him, my elbow bumping the horn, and he bit down at the sensitive spot between my neck and shoulder.
I cried out, pulling at his hair, wanting to feel his naked body against mine. It felt like I had been waiting a lifetime. Our noses bumped, I could barely breathe, but I didn't want to break the kiss.
"Take me inside," I gasped, nipping his ear.
He shoved the truck door open and we kissed our way up the sidewalk to the front door. His tongue was doing wonderful things to my mouth, and I struggled to unlock the door. Again we found ourselves hurrying up the steps, Jake backing me against the wall and lifting me at the top of the steps. My legs wound around his waist as my hands dipped down into his jeans. His firm backside was under my palms and he made a soft sound in his throat.
He backed up to look at me, eyes betraying a jumbled mess of emotions.
I lightly nuzzled his cheek, feeling the start of stubble, and knew this was going to happen. We had made some headway, though things weren't perfect yet, but I didn't want to wait anymore and it didn't look as if he wanted to either.
"I want you," I whispered.
As he shoved open my bedroom door, I felt a zip of excitement shoot through me. I was finally going to make love to my best friend.
Chapter 13
*~*~*
AN: I know, I know! Sorry. ;o) This chapter got a little too long, though I intended to have more at the end, but figured it would be better in the next chapter and not as rushed. Opinions were split on if they should wait, so I gave you a little slice of lemon and the big lemon will definitely be next chapter! So, I hope that sufficed for everyone. Let me know what you think. :o)