isshin's pearls of wisdom, or five ways to scar your children [fic] (ensemble)
title. isshin’s pearls of wisdom, or five ways to scar your children
series. Bleach
character/pairing. Ichigo, Yuzu, Karin, Isshin, Ichigo/Orihime (but it’s not really the point)
word count. ~1400
prompt. I pray you, jest, sir, as you sit at dinner [The Comedy of Errors by William Shakespeare] (written for 10_shakespeare)
rating. PG-13 for sexual themes
disclaimer. Bleach belongs to Kubo Tite and The Comedy of Errors to William Shakespeare
summary. Ichigo decides to bite the bullet and tell his family about his now existent love life. Unfortunately for him, Karin and Yuzu, Isshin decides it’s the perfect time for The Talk
notes. A plot bunny that got into my head and I couldn't resist running with it. Isshin is just too much fun to write!
Three pairs of chopsticks clattered to the table.
“… Are you serious?”
Well, he’d have been lying if he said he hadn’t expected that reaction.
“Yeah.” He nodded. His family shared a glance before Karin wolf-whistled.
“Well, I think I can speak for everyone when I say, ‘it’s about time!’” she grinned, clapping him firmly on the back and the corners of his lips twitched into a half-smile.
“No, I do not believe it!” Isshin declared and Ichigo’s eyebrows narrowed. “My son cannot have a girlfriend yet, it is impossible!”
“Why?” Yuzu asked. She was probably feeling the most hurt out of the three, but she had to agree with Karin - Ichigo was eighteen, he was going to fall in love eventually, she just needed a little time to get used to it.
“Because he has not an ounce of Kurosaki Charm - how can he ensnare a lovely female without it?” Isshin began to tut.
“It looks like he did fine without it. Besides, if this Kurosaki Charm is anything like your charm, I think Ichi-nii is better off without it.”
“Because I have not taught him the art of seduction!” Isshin continued, ignoring Karin interjection.
“Seduction?” Ichigo replied weakly. They’d only been going out for a month; seduction hadn’t even entered his mind yet.
“Yes! Yes, Ichigo! Seduction! The way to woo a lovely lady into bed!” and then Isshin snapped his fingers. “I have forgotten the most important reason why he cannot have a girlfriend - I have not yet had The Talk with him!”
Silence greeted this statement.
“Yuzu, Karin. Please leave us.”
“Please don’t.” Ichigo grabbed both of their arms.
“Ichigo, The Talk is different for boys and girls. My, I didn’t realise you knew so little. Do I need to explain the differences between males and females? Their bits are different.”
“Please, God, stop.” His children chorused.
“Hmmm, perhaps this is a challenge of parenting!” Isshin stood, planting one foot on his chair in a hero stance, or the pose he liked to call Daddy is Your Hero. “I see, I see! Yes, quite right, having The Talk would be quite easy if it was merely that task alone. I see I have been gifted with the opportunity to speak to all my children at once and ensure they know the ins and outs of the birds and the bees!”
He paused then whispered conspiratorially, “‘The birds and the bees’ means ‘sex’.”
Ichigo could feel a headache coming on.
“Really, Dad, I’m fine.” he mumbled.
“I thought the same thing at your age.” Isshin nodded in understanding, although Ichigo thought he couldn’t possibly understand what he was going though at the present moment. He doubted anyone would be able to, except perhaps for his sisters.
“But rest assured, my son, I will teach you well! I’ll instil some Kurosaki charm into you, yet! Better yet, I shall teach you some moves.”
“Moves?” Ichigo echoed.
“Yes, ways to please your woman!” Isshin began to chuckle. “There was something your mother used to love! I would take my-”
“Really, Dad!” Ichigo shouted, trying to drown any intimate details his father was about to divulge which had the potential to scar him for life. “I think I’m okay! I’m not thinking about that stuff right now!”
“Yes! Because you are gentleman, Ichigo, it is the way I raised you!” Isshin stated proudly. “I taught you to open doors, to pull out chairs, but!” he held up a finger, “there will come a day when your… urges will come into play and will override your gentlemanly behaviour.”
“Urges.”
“Yes, urges! Really, Ichigo, for someone who is saying he’s fine, you know so little. I’m so disappointed. But, ah! Perhaps this is also part of the challenge: to educate someone so dim-witted!”
Ichigo turned to his sisters. “He just called me stupid, didn’t he?”
“So, I shall start! From the very beginning, yes, that is a very good place to start!” Isshin cleared his throat. “Now, as I said before, boys and girls have different bits. Boys have pee-pees and girls have hoo-has...”
“Dad!” his children chorused.
“Please, my children!” he held up a hand. “Please hold your questions until the end of the presentation. Oh, what an idea! I should have pictures! I am a doctor, after all! Wait here, I will get some textbooks!”
He ran off to his office, leaving his stunned children in his wake.
“This is not happening, this is not happening.” Ichigo muttered, dropping his head into his hands.
“Why aren’t we running away?” Yuzu whispered curiously.
“Because if he doesn’t do it now, he’ll do it at breakfast. He’ll forever haunt us until he finishes his… Talk.” Karin explained, hesitating on the last word before shuddering.
“This is not happening, this is not happening…”
“So, you still haven’t told us who she is.” Karin tried for a change of subject. “All you said was that you had a girlfriend.”
“Oh, yeah.” Ichigo raised his head. “I was trying to see how you’d process that before I told you who it was, ‘cause I knew you wouldn’t believe me if you didn’t believe the first piece of news.”
“So who is she? You should invite her over for dinner one day so we can get to know her.” Yuzu suggested.
“I’m holding back ‘cause of that idiot.” He gestured to where his father had previously sat. “I don’t want to scare her away, y’know.”
“And her name is…” Karin prompted.
“Inoue Orihime.”
Silence.
“Oh, my God.” Karin whispered, clearly in shock.
“Wow.” Yuzu was stunned.
“Seriously? How’d you get a girl like her?”
“I’m so glad you have so much faith in me.” Ichigo said sardonically.
“No, it’s not that, it’s just… it’s Orihime-chan. She’s like… Orihime-chan.”
“I’m aware.”
“And you’re…” Karin searched for the word.
“Yes?” his eyes narrowed dangerously.
“I’m happy for you, onii-chan!” Yuzu jumped in, hoping to diffuse the situation. “Remember to invite her over for dinner!”
“Yeah, okay.”
“Wow… Orihime-chan, huh?”
“Inoue Orihime?”
His children looked up at the sound of his voice and Ichigo’s heart sank.
“Goodness, Ichigo, you must know some moves that are secret to the rest of the world to ensnare a woman like that!” Isshin surveyed him, pride evident in his eyes, but Ichigo sighed.
“Is it so surprising that she decided to date me?”
“Not once I’m through with you!” Isshin dropped four large textbooks onto the table.
“Can we please skip the biology?” he asked wearily, resigning himself to the fact that this Talk was happening.
“Yes, please.” his sisters echoed.
“Oho! You want to get right into the mechanics! Yes, yes, with a woman like Orihime, one must make their move quickly! And effectively!” Isshin winked and Ichigo threw up a little in his mouth.
“Now! One thing you must keep in mind, my son. These,” Isshin waved his hands and wiggled his fingers, “will be your best friend. I hope you have inherited my hands, the precise and talented hands of a doctor, but we can’t all be blessed with such gifts. Do you know why they’re so important?”
Silence.
“It is well known that women do not… climax as often during regular sexual intercourse. They are far more likely to experience pleasure when… manually handled.”
Silence, then…
“No, I’m sorry, I can’t do this.” Ichigo stood to leave, but Isshin pushed him back into his seat by his shoulder.
“My son, you do not want a lovely girl like Orihime to leave you because you couldn’t satisfy her!”
Ichigo banged his head on the table.
“Can one of you please knock me out?” he whispered.
“No chance.” Karin muttered back. “If we have to suffer, so do you.”
“Maybe we could take turns.” Yuzu suggested quietly, but Isshin began to speak again.
“Now, my daughters, it is important to know exactly where a gentleman should touch you.” Isshin glared. “If you do not date gentlemen, I will carve them up. Make sure you warn them; it’s the only polite thing to do. Now, the general erogenous zones are-”
His children stood.
“Sorry, I really really can’t do this.” Ichigo declared.
“Me neither.” the twins chorused, and they all turned to leave, their uneaten dinner still on the table.
“We will resume when you are ready for my pearls of wisdom!” Isshin called to their retreating figures. “Just remember: practice makes perfect!”
request!
watch?
series. Bleach
character/pairing. Ichigo, Yuzu, Karin, Isshin, Ichigo/Orihime (but it’s not really the point)
word count. ~1400
prompt. I pray you, jest, sir, as you sit at dinner [The Comedy of Errors by William Shakespeare] (written for 10_shakespeare)
rating. PG-13 for sexual themes
disclaimer. Bleach belongs to Kubo Tite and The Comedy of Errors to William Shakespeare
summary. Ichigo decides to bite the bullet and tell his family about his now existent love life. Unfortunately for him, Karin and Yuzu, Isshin decides it’s the perfect time for The Talk
notes. A plot bunny that got into my head and I couldn't resist running with it. Isshin is just too much fun to write!
Three pairs of chopsticks clattered to the table.
“… Are you serious?”
Well, he’d have been lying if he said he hadn’t expected that reaction.
“Yeah.” He nodded. His family shared a glance before Karin wolf-whistled.
“Well, I think I can speak for everyone when I say, ‘it’s about time!’” she grinned, clapping him firmly on the back and the corners of his lips twitched into a half-smile.
“No, I do not believe it!” Isshin declared and Ichigo’s eyebrows narrowed. “My son cannot have a girlfriend yet, it is impossible!”
“Why?” Yuzu asked. She was probably feeling the most hurt out of the three, but she had to agree with Karin - Ichigo was eighteen, he was going to fall in love eventually, she just needed a little time to get used to it.
“Because he has not an ounce of Kurosaki Charm - how can he ensnare a lovely female without it?” Isshin began to tut.
“It looks like he did fine without it. Besides, if this Kurosaki Charm is anything like your charm, I think Ichi-nii is better off without it.”
“Because I have not taught him the art of seduction!” Isshin continued, ignoring Karin interjection.
“Seduction?” Ichigo replied weakly. They’d only been going out for a month; seduction hadn’t even entered his mind yet.
“Yes! Yes, Ichigo! Seduction! The way to woo a lovely lady into bed!” and then Isshin snapped his fingers. “I have forgotten the most important reason why he cannot have a girlfriend - I have not yet had The Talk with him!”
Silence greeted this statement.
“Yuzu, Karin. Please leave us.”
“Please don’t.” Ichigo grabbed both of their arms.
“Ichigo, The Talk is different for boys and girls. My, I didn’t realise you knew so little. Do I need to explain the differences between males and females? Their bits are different.”
“Please, God, stop.” His children chorused.
“Hmmm, perhaps this is a challenge of parenting!” Isshin stood, planting one foot on his chair in a hero stance, or the pose he liked to call Daddy is Your Hero. “I see, I see! Yes, quite right, having The Talk would be quite easy if it was merely that task alone. I see I have been gifted with the opportunity to speak to all my children at once and ensure they know the ins and outs of the birds and the bees!”
He paused then whispered conspiratorially, “‘The birds and the bees’ means ‘sex’.”
Ichigo could feel a headache coming on.
“Really, Dad, I’m fine.” he mumbled.
“I thought the same thing at your age.” Isshin nodded in understanding, although Ichigo thought he couldn’t possibly understand what he was going though at the present moment. He doubted anyone would be able to, except perhaps for his sisters.
“But rest assured, my son, I will teach you well! I’ll instil some Kurosaki charm into you, yet! Better yet, I shall teach you some moves.”
“Moves?” Ichigo echoed.
“Yes, ways to please your woman!” Isshin began to chuckle. “There was something your mother used to love! I would take my-”
“Really, Dad!” Ichigo shouted, trying to drown any intimate details his father was about to divulge which had the potential to scar him for life. “I think I’m okay! I’m not thinking about that stuff right now!”
“Yes! Because you are gentleman, Ichigo, it is the way I raised you!” Isshin stated proudly. “I taught you to open doors, to pull out chairs, but!” he held up a finger, “there will come a day when your… urges will come into play and will override your gentlemanly behaviour.”
“Urges.”
“Yes, urges! Really, Ichigo, for someone who is saying he’s fine, you know so little. I’m so disappointed. But, ah! Perhaps this is also part of the challenge: to educate someone so dim-witted!”
Ichigo turned to his sisters. “He just called me stupid, didn’t he?”
“So, I shall start! From the very beginning, yes, that is a very good place to start!” Isshin cleared his throat. “Now, as I said before, boys and girls have different bits. Boys have pee-pees and girls have hoo-has...”
“Dad!” his children chorused.
“Please, my children!” he held up a hand. “Please hold your questions until the end of the presentation. Oh, what an idea! I should have pictures! I am a doctor, after all! Wait here, I will get some textbooks!”
He ran off to his office, leaving his stunned children in his wake.
“This is not happening, this is not happening.” Ichigo muttered, dropping his head into his hands.
“Why aren’t we running away?” Yuzu whispered curiously.
“Because if he doesn’t do it now, he’ll do it at breakfast. He’ll forever haunt us until he finishes his… Talk.” Karin explained, hesitating on the last word before shuddering.
“This is not happening, this is not happening…”
“So, you still haven’t told us who she is.” Karin tried for a change of subject. “All you said was that you had a girlfriend.”
“Oh, yeah.” Ichigo raised his head. “I was trying to see how you’d process that before I told you who it was, ‘cause I knew you wouldn’t believe me if you didn’t believe the first piece of news.”
“So who is she? You should invite her over for dinner one day so we can get to know her.” Yuzu suggested.
“I’m holding back ‘cause of that idiot.” He gestured to where his father had previously sat. “I don’t want to scare her away, y’know.”
“And her name is…” Karin prompted.
“Inoue Orihime.”
Silence.
“Oh, my God.” Karin whispered, clearly in shock.
“Wow.” Yuzu was stunned.
“Seriously? How’d you get a girl like her?”
“I’m so glad you have so much faith in me.” Ichigo said sardonically.
“No, it’s not that, it’s just… it’s Orihime-chan. She’s like… Orihime-chan.”
“I’m aware.”
“And you’re…” Karin searched for the word.
“Yes?” his eyes narrowed dangerously.
“I’m happy for you, onii-chan!” Yuzu jumped in, hoping to diffuse the situation. “Remember to invite her over for dinner!”
“Yeah, okay.”
“Wow… Orihime-chan, huh?”
“Inoue Orihime?”
His children looked up at the sound of his voice and Ichigo’s heart sank.
“Goodness, Ichigo, you must know some moves that are secret to the rest of the world to ensnare a woman like that!” Isshin surveyed him, pride evident in his eyes, but Ichigo sighed.
“Is it so surprising that she decided to date me?”
“Not once I’m through with you!” Isshin dropped four large textbooks onto the table.
“Can we please skip the biology?” he asked wearily, resigning himself to the fact that this Talk was happening.
“Yes, please.” his sisters echoed.
“Oho! You want to get right into the mechanics! Yes, yes, with a woman like Orihime, one must make their move quickly! And effectively!” Isshin winked and Ichigo threw up a little in his mouth.
“Now! One thing you must keep in mind, my son. These,” Isshin waved his hands and wiggled his fingers, “will be your best friend. I hope you have inherited my hands, the precise and talented hands of a doctor, but we can’t all be blessed with such gifts. Do you know why they’re so important?”
Silence.
“It is well known that women do not… climax as often during regular sexual intercourse. They are far more likely to experience pleasure when… manually handled.”
Silence, then…
“No, I’m sorry, I can’t do this.” Ichigo stood to leave, but Isshin pushed him back into his seat by his shoulder.
“My son, you do not want a lovely girl like Orihime to leave you because you couldn’t satisfy her!”
Ichigo banged his head on the table.
“Can one of you please knock me out?” he whispered.
“No chance.” Karin muttered back. “If we have to suffer, so do you.”
“Maybe we could take turns.” Yuzu suggested quietly, but Isshin began to speak again.
“Now, my daughters, it is important to know exactly where a gentleman should touch you.” Isshin glared. “If you do not date gentlemen, I will carve them up. Make sure you warn them; it’s the only polite thing to do. Now, the general erogenous zones are-”
His children stood.
“Sorry, I really really can’t do this.” Ichigo declared.
“Me neither.” the twins chorused, and they all turned to leave, their uneaten dinner still on the table.
“We will resume when you are ready for my pearls of wisdom!” Isshin called to their retreating figures. “Just remember: practice makes perfect!”
request!
watch?