❥ {86} tumbleweed [5/6]
PART 04
He saw less and less of Jongdae and Chanyeol as the days passed. On the rare occasions where he caught a glimpse of Jongdae, his friend had told him how he wouldn’t be able to come to Jack O’s anymore because he’d need to take care of his mother. Baekhyun had assured him that he understood, hugging Jongdae and told him sternly to come to Baekhyun if he needed any help. The weird thing was, as Jongdae disappeared, Chanyeol was seemed to do just the same. He only got to see Chanyeol at the garage. Even during their shift together, Chanyeol acted like he was too busy to even spare him a glance.
Something awful slithered across his chest, tendril-like, from some dark space of his mind and had insinuated itself into his consciousness like unwanted thorn vines. What if-what if his friends had found out about all of the horrible shades within him? The thing was Baekhyun had always felt insecure about himself. It was something that his uncle had diligently reminded him. Most of the time, he was afraid about being too angry, too impatient, too selfish-and what if, what if his friends had found out about that? About how selfish he was? About how he had manipulated them in choosing Northeastern for the sake of him keeping his family together? He had never have to try around his friends, but maybe-maybe they had reached their limits with him. Because there was something inside him (there was ought to be), some unidentified component inside him, some faulty wiring, that somehow, always, pushed people away in the end.
Baekhyun couldn’t help but feeling scared-because if there was one thing he was so afraid to lose, it was his friends.
With Jongdae and Chanyeol’s disappearance, Baekhyun found himself more and more in the company of Kyungsoo. Baekhyun had spent almost every night in the convenience store. He would stay there reading-sometimes he would just sit in one of the empty tables, watching Kyungsoo worked. If the store was empty, Kyungsoo would sit in front of him. Sometimes he’d draw, sometimes he would just there, talking and listening to Baekhyun.
“Where’s this?” Baekhyun asked that night, pointing at one of Kyungsoo’s sketches. Kyungsoo flicked his eyes to the paper, barely lifting his head from a piece he was working on: a sketch of the tall and graffiti-filled building in front of the convenience store.
“My house.” He replied. “That’s the view from my mom’s bedroom window.”
Baekhyun stared at the sharp coal strokes: angry trees, angry sky, angry houses, angry boy. “Did you draw this when..”
“Yeah.” Kyungsoo nodded, licking his lips. “She was getting really bad that time.”
Baekhyun let his eyes lingered on the sketch a second longer before he flipped to the next page. The next drawing was of an artsy building with Welcome to the Universe written on the front gate.
“Adler Planetarium.” Kyungsoo told him before Baekhyun could ask. “It was on summer some years ago. My first trip to Chicago.”
Chicago. Baekhyun bit his lip.
“It’s beautiful.” Baekhyun said, tracing the drawing with the tip of his fingers.
“I’m moving there in two days.”
Baekhyun looked up sharply, “To Chicago?”
“Yeah. I told you I got accepted right? I need to take care of the administration and stuff.” Kyungsoo’s smile didn’t reach his eyes and there was a flicker of emotion in his face that was gone before Baekhyun could analyze it.
Baekhyun licked his suddenly dry lips. He could feel his heart bubbling purplish and yellowish, throbbing inside his chest. Two days. It was so fast. Too fast. He just got to know Kyungsoo. He just started to-before he could stop himself, Baekhyun’s mouth already parted and whispered, “That fast?”
Kyungsoo blinked at him, once, twice, before his face crumpled and his eyes darkened. Kyungsoo gulped. Baekhyun watched his Adam apple bobbing up and down-one painfully slow motion, before he said in a tight voice, “Yeah. I…yeah.”
Baekhyun immediately felt stupid. What he was doing? He knew that Kyungsoo was going to leave. He knew that this whole thing was only a summer fling-no, a summer something, a summer anything that began and ended during summer. How could he be so stupid thinking that Kyungsoo would always be there whenever he stepped inside the convenience store, when he wandered alone at night-
He was so selfish. He secretly wanted to cage everyone inside his little perfect world where no one would ever leave him and everyone would always be there for him.
He remembered the way Kyungsoo had held his hand that night; hard and tight as if he needed Baekhyun to anchor him earthbound. He remembered the way they had blushed, stuttering and fumbling with words after that; the lingering good night they said to each other after they parted ways.
“But Baekhyun, I-“
“I’m sorry.” Baekhyun cut him off, getting up from his seat. “What I mean to say is good luck, you..I mean, you’re going to be really great..you’re very talented after all. I’m sorry Kyungsoo I forgot that my uncle invited some people to come over tonight and I think I need to uh help.”
“Baekhyun?”
Baekhyun took a step back, Kyungsoo was in the process of getting up too, looking sad and confused and hurt, but Baekhyun had bolted out the door, hastily grabbing his bike. He could see how Kyungsoo wrench the door open, trying to catch up to him, but Baekhyun had already mounted his bike. He pedaled through the night, through the strong wind, ignoring Kyungsoo who was shouting his name at the top of his lungs.
Baekhyun’s mind was anarchy.
It was hopping from one awful thought to another awful thought.
He felt like he was back being seven again: parentless, brotherless, friendless. The feeling was so foreign yet so familiar at the same time. All this time he had dared to say that he was happy. Or not happy, but content. He had Chanyeol and Jongdae and he thought that was enough. They were all he needed, friends and family in one package. He never showed it to them: how much they meant to him, because he couldn’t, he didn’t know how. He never had a family, a real family, so he didn’t know how to treat one. But with Chanyeol and Jongdae, he felt safe. He felt normal. He didn’t feel like an orphan whose brother had abandoned because he was too much burden for a seventeen years old kid.
Baekhyun suddenly wished, desperately, for his friends to be here.
The sudden knocks on his door pulled Baekhyun from his agonizing thoughts. He averted his gaze from the ceiling and sat up on his bed. The door opened and his aunt stepped inside. Baekhyun’s eyes widened. The last time his aunt had stepped her foot in his room was when he was sick a century something ago. His aunt looked around his room, before her gaze settled on him.
“It’s for you.” She said, tossing a white envelope to his bed. “Don’t tell your uncle.” She gave Baekhyun one last look and walked out of the door.
Baekhyun grabbed the envelope and turned it in his hand. His stomach lurched at the sight of the familiar logo of Northeastern Illinois University. Blue and gold and blue and gold. Baekhyun’s hands were shaking so badly he needed to clench them into fists to stop it. The envelope was half crumpled and Baekhyun closed his eyes.
This was it. His whole entire future. Something that he had pushed deep in the back of his head, buried under piles and piles of messy thoughts. It would decide everything-Jongdae, Chanyeol, Kyungsoo-
He ripped the envelope open. Carefully taking out the letter, Baekhyun opened his eyes. He immediately scanned through everything until his eyes zeroed in the word accepted and the letter fell onto the bed.
“Oh god.” He breathed out. He took the letter again, reading everything in the speed of light, making sure that the accepted word was still there and his eyes burned and his throat tightened.
“I got in.” His voice shaky and watery.
Baekhyun leapt out of his bed. He ran down the stairs. His uncle’s what the fuck are you doing?! got swallowed by the sound of his thundering pulse. He race out of the house, too impatient to get his bike, all the way to the trailer parks.
Baekhyun almost shouted when he saw a glimpse of Jongdae’s weathered and old trailer. He forced himself to walk faster. Breaths came in short puffs and sweats clinging disgustingly to his back. He saw Jongdae, standing, clad in a simple brown t-shirt and-
Baekhyun abruptly stopped walking.
His eyes widened and his mouth opened in surprise because Jongdae wasn’t alone. Chanyeol was beside him and they were clutching the same letter that he was holding.
He tried to speak through his numb lips, mouth parting and closing, until he managed a hoarse, “What..”
Both Jongdae and Chanyeol turned their head to him looking surprised. Something akin to betrayal sliced across his chest. Jongdae looked guilty, his face pleading something to Baekhyun and Baekhyun wanted to scream at him.
“Baekhyun..” Chanyeol stepped in front of Jongdae, almost shielding his whole feature. As if he wanted to protect Jongdae from Baekhyun, as if he wanted to hide Jongdae from Baekhyun.
Baekhyun’s stomach was churning and churning and churning until he could taste bile in his throat.
“Baekhyun, listen, there’s something that we need to tell you.” Chanyeol began. And it felt like Chanyeol was speaking straight through him. Because Baekhyun had stopped listening after the word we. We, them against him. We, them without him. Baekhyun never thought there would come a day where he wasn’t a part of Chanyeol’s we.
Baekhyun let out a hard breath. It didn’t help to steady him.
“Baekhyun?” It was Jongdae this time, taking a step out of his shield. Baekhyun took a step back, and he watched, with a grim pleasure, how Jongdae’s face twisted with hurt. “Do you get accepted Baekhyun?” he asked softly, with the tone that adults usually used on children on the verge of tantrum.
“Yeah.” He answered mechanically. It seemed like years and years ago when felt the jolt of euphoria after he read the word accepted.
“Baekhyun..I didn’t get accepted.” Chanyeol told him carefully.
“What?” Baekhyun rasped.
“Northeastern..they rejected me.”
Baekhyun turned to Jongdae, “And..you?”
“I-I got in, but Baekhyun-“
“We decided that we wouldn’t go after all.” Chanyeol cut Jongdae.
“What do you mean?” Baekhyun flicked his eyes back and forth to Jongdae and Chanyeol. He felt like his heart was made from something cold and oozing-icy blood, all over his body.
“I’ve been working for the coal mine for the past few days.” Chanyeol slowly said. “Just a couple small shift. My father had been urging me to do it and I didn’t have it in me to reject him. He’s getting old. He could no longer work in the mine, and I need to..I need to step in and replace him.”
“What?” Baekhyun managed through the cacophony of chaos in his mind. “Chanyeol, you hate the mine!”
“I do. I fucking do! But I don’t have any other choice Baekhyun. My mom needs me. And I knew from the start that I wouldn’t get accepted into that college. I’m no genius like you or Jongdae. Today’s letter just confirmed that. This is my future Baekhyun. This is it.” Chanyeol sounded mad, voice thundering and arms bashing everything around him. Baekhyun watched him as if he was underwater. Chanyeol was this blurry surface he saw while he sunk further and further away.
“Baekhyun.” Jongdae was half-crying. “Say something.”
Baekhyun swallowed; once, twice, and said, “And you? What’s your excuse?”
“It’s not just an excuse Baekhyun!” Jongdae cried.
“It’s not?”
“I can’t leave my mom with my sisters alone! We live in a trailer park in case you’ve forgotten, we don’t always have enough food every day, we couldn’t afford a lot of things-what do you think would happen to them if I’m gone for four years? They’ll get evicted. If they’re not dead from hunger that is.” Jongdae was shaking all over.
Baekhyun kept yelling at himself to shut up, it’s your fault, you forced them, you manipulated them, you’re selfish, this is all because of you; the voices yelled at him louder and louder. In a voice that was painfully similar to his uncle.
Baekhyun winced as his thoughts kept hurting him, punching, beating, kicking him until he was all bloody organs nerves and vessels.
“You could’ve told me.” He whispered, defeated.
“We can’t.” Jongdae whispered back. “We can’t tell you because if you do you wouldn’t..you wouldn’t leave Baekhyun. You would stay with me, with Chanyeol, and I can’t let you waste your life like that.”
Jongdae was right. He would stay. He wouldn’t go. He wouldn’t go without them.
“Is it that wrong wanting to stay with you guys?” He cracked.
Jongdae sobbed and he could see Chanyeol’s hands curled into shaky fists. “You’ve been yearning for college, Baekhyun. Now you get your ticket. Do you really want to throw it away?”
Baekhyun bit the inside of his cheek so hard he tasted copper.
He wanted college. He wanted his friends. He wanted his family. Hell, he wanted so many things, but when was the last time he actually got what he wanted? All of those painful months he spent wishing and wishing for Baekbom to come back. Those times he wished for his uncle, or at least his aunt, showed up at parent-teacher conferences so he could tell people that he also had someone that cared. The times he wished to have a father-son and mother-son relationship like his friends; the jealousy he felt whenever he saw Mr. Park, no matter how cold he looked from the outside, had patted Chanyeol in the back after he won the local basketball match, or the sweet motherly smiles Mrs. Kim gave Jongdae whenever the guy wasn’t looking, too busy taking care of his sisters, too busy making sure there were some food on the table, those evil and embarrassing yearning he felt that he’d learn to bury under veils upon veils of self-contentment.
He could have college. But he would have to lose his friends. Was it so hard to have both?
“Baekhyun?” Jongdae called him, huffing a long shaky breath, then continued, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to-I wasn’t supposed to lash out on you, I’ve been-“
“It’s fine.” Baekhyun told him. His voice sounded strange, as if someone else was speaking right through him. “It’s fine.” He repeated. “I need to go home right now. I need to-“
“I’ll take you home.” Chanyeol said, moving to get into his car. “I’ll take you home, Baekhyun, come on.”
“No, I-“ he said, confused. And before he realized what he was doing, he was stumbling backwards. The ground was shaky. Baekhyun spun on a heel and ran. That was the only thing on his mind: leave, leave, leave. That was his thing. Running. A coward. A selfish coward.
Baekhyun didn’t know what he was doing: standing in front of the convenience store dazed and confused. His feet had been moving on their own, detached from his mind, and before he knew it, he had arrived here.
He stepped inside, startling Kyungsoo who was attending on a customer. Kyungsoo took one look at him and immediately rushed to his side. He was saying something. Baekhyun watched his lips moved in a frantic and panic movement. He placed his palms against Baekhyun’s cheeks, tilting his head upward and Baekhyun saw Kyungsoo’s eyes moving back and forth and back and forth, staring intently into Baekhyun’s. His thick eyebrows furrowed and there was concern and sadness and hurt and desperation in his universe eyes. There were too much too many emotions there, Baekhyun needed to avert his gaze. Kyungsoo was saying something again, to the customer this time. And the next thing Baekhyun knew, he was escorted to Kyungsoo’s truck.
Kyungsoo opened the door to the passenger seat and helped Baekhyun climbed inside. He gestured with his hand for Baekhyun to wait and Baekhyun nodded, or he thought he did because his head felt like a lead. Kyungsoo ran back to the convenience store. Baekhyun watched him from the side mirror.
Left alone, Baekhyun let his eyes slid shut, and he pressed his head in between his legs, breathing harshly. He might be crying, or on the verge of having a panic attack, he couldn’t really tell. The world had gone into topsy-turvy. He couldn’t even differentiate which way was up and which way was down.
There was a vague sound of the door being opened and someone was gently pushed his shoulder. Baekhyun recognized Kyungsoo’s hands-warm and big. He was forced to sit up and something warm was thrust into his palm. Baekhyun opened his eyes to see a carton of warm milk in his hand.
“Drink Baekhyun.” Kyungsoo urged him. Baekhyun did just that, shoving the straw into his mouth and drank. The warmth pooled in the pit of his stomach and Baekhyun let out a long shuddery breath.
“Better?” Kyungsoo asked him again and Baekhyun nodded.
“I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking. You were in the middle of work and I shouldn’t have-“
“Hey. It’s fine.” Kyungsoo cut him. “It’s okay Baekhyun, but what’s wrong? You looked like-“ Kyungsoo shook his head. Baekhyun immediately felt guilt creeping down his spine, making his gut clenched, and his mind chanting selfish, selfish, selfish.
“I got accepted in Northeastern Illinois.” Baekhyun began.
Kyungsoo’s gasp was loud in the quiet truck. “What? You didn’t tell me you were applying there?”
And it was like a dam was broken inside him, Baekhyun started to spill everything. From Baekbom, his uncle and his aunt, Jongdae and Chanyeol, college, even his self-doubts. And Kyungsoo was there, listening attentively, taking and taking everything with a calm composure-there was only a slight furrow in his eyebrows. At some point, he had taken Baekhyun’s hand in his, squeezing hard. It reminded him of that night in the Red Tower and Baekhyun was torn between launching himself to Kyungsoo crying or kissing him senseless. Both revelations embarrassed him.
“You keep calling yourself selfish.” Kyungsoo said, after a silence. “But I don’t think, after everything you’ve been through, there’s anything selfish in wanting the people you love to stay close to you.”
Baekhyun stared out of the window, at the sky that was slurring into twilight.
“You’re being too hard on yourself.” Kyungsoo was talking again. “Baekhyun.” Baekhyun averted his gaze from the sky to Kyungsoo who was staring intently at him. “If you were selfish, you wouldn’t be this miserable right now. You wouldn’t be this guilty, instead you would hate your friends, but you’re not. You aren’t selfish, in fact, you’re far from it.”
Baekhyun’s lips tried to from a smile but it came out wobbly and shaky. Kyungsoo gave his hand another squeeze.
“You’re a wonderful person. If I were you, I’d be so angry at the world.”
“I am angry at the world.” Baekhyun muttered.
Kyungsoo smiled fondly, “You’re too nice and adorable for someone who’s so angry at the world.”
Baekhyun’s breath hitched at that, unexpected roll of embarrassment tumbling into his stomach at the word adorable. He knew he was blushing, and he hastily grumbled, “You can’t call a guy adorable” to cover it.
Kyungsoo laughed. “But you are! You remind me of my dog Pippin. Pippin is really clumsy and adorable. He’s the kind of dog that bumps into furniture and eats everybody’s shoes, but at the end of the day you still want to cuddle him to bed.”
“I was your two years old cousin before, and now I’m your pet. Great.” Baekhyun deadpanned.
Kyungsoo laughed again. Baekhyun soaked it in until the sound fade. Kyungsoo gave him one long unreadable look, in which Baekhyun unconsciously held his breath, before he suddenly leaned into him. He let his head rest on Baekhyun’s shoulder, his hands fell down to the tops of Baekhyun’s legs. His warm skin brushed Baekhyun’s through the small hole of his jeans, and Baekhyun felt the world burned around him.
“It’ll be okay Baekhyun.” Kyungsoo whispered, breath fanning against his collarbone, and Baekhyun swallowed thickly. “It’ll be okay.”
“Thanks.” Baekhyun breathed out.
“I want you to accept Northeastern, Baekhyun. I want you to move to Illinois. I want us to meet there. I want to see you every day. And this is not a selfish wish, because I told you there’s nothing selfish in wanting the people you love stay close to you.”
Baekhyun slumped against Kyungsoo, bracing himself against the raven-haired guy so he wouldn’t topple over. He clutched at Kyungsoo’s sides hard, holding them like his life depended on it. He was breathing heavily and he could feel Kyungsoo was trying to match their breath. Two lungs in tandem. Two lungs caught up in the same beat.
“Just think about it.” Kyungsoo said when Baekhyun didn’t say anything. “You wouldn’t be alone Baekhyun.”
Baekhyun closed his eyes, and hugged Kyungsoo tighter.
Tomorrow Kyungsoo would be gone. Tomorrow. Tomorrow. Unconsciously, he gripped Kyungsoo’s sides harder, as if he was trying to mold himself into Kyungsoo, as if he was trying to latch himself onto Kyungsoo so that Kyungsoo wouldn’t leave-or that Kyungsoo would take him along with him. Which would be so easy. Northeastern. Illinois. Kyungsoo. So easy.
As if he could feel Baekhyun’s inner turmoil, Kyungsoo moved his hands to the small of Baekhyun’s back and pulled him further and further into his hold.
“I’ll wait for you.” He whispered in the end.
They stayed like that for a long time. An hour, a day, a year, Baekhyun wasn’t sure and he didn’t want to be sure. He wanted to be lost in this-inside Kyungsoo’s warm and safe hug, with his scent: sandalwood, detergent and sweat polluting every air he breathed, with Kyungsoo’s heartbeat steady against his chest, with Kyungsoo’s lashes brushing against his skin. He wanted, so sudden and overwhelming, for Kyungsoo to drive the truck and take them away from here, together-speeding through red lights, hitting the coast and crash into the ocean, drive and drive and drive until they hit the end of the world, and they’d drive though that too.
Baekhyun’s eyes fluttered open and his dream was crumbling onto the floor when Kyungsoo let go of him and withdrew from their hug. What, he wanted to ask. But the look on Kyungsoo’s face stopped him. Kyungsoo looked determine, and nervous, his jaw was tense and his eyebrows were forming a straight line.
“I’ve always wanted to do this.” Kyungsoo said in a ragged and uneven voice. Baekhyun frowned in confusion. “I might never get a chance to do this again.”
“Wha-“ Baekhyun started but was chased off by the way Kyungsoo’s eyes flickered down nervously to his lips. Baekhyun tried to swallow, and he watched as Kyungsoo watched his throat moved. Kyungsoo’s eyes swept from his throat to his lips to his eyes and stopped there. Baekhyun knew Kyungsoo was waiting for something-a permission, an invitation, he didn’t know. But Baekhyun, out of pure dumb courage, leaned forward a fraction.
And that seemed to be the only thing Kyungsoo needed, because the next thing he knew, Kyungsoo’s lips were on his, hot and wet and open and persistent.
Baekhyun didn’t really know what he was doing, having only kissed one person inside a closet during spin the bottle when he was thirteen; but Kyungsoo guided him, tilting his face in such a way so that Baekhyun could feel each strokes of his lips, his tongue, and Baekhyun was burning and burning and burning. He was surprised that he didn’t turn into ash when Kyungsoo finally pulled away.
“Okay?” Kyungsoo asked, breathless. And Baekhyun only could nod in return, not trusting himself to speak.
Kyungsoo was kissing him again.
Kyungsoo kissed him so much until Baekhyun’s mouth was sore, his whole body turned into a liquid mess, and still, Baekhyun never ever wanted him to stop.
PART 06